Crying

I told him what would happen when I hang up the phone.
 And it happened. I cried almost immediately, am crying now, and cannot stop....

For the second (or third?) day in a row, my ex called to check up on me. I was just getting home, didn't even have the time to put down my bag when the music in my earphones (these days I always have earphones on, to drown out the thoughts and frightening emptiness...) suddenly stopped and the ringingtone of my phone sounded. We chatted, but as always, most of the conversation was about me... (how selfish I have become indeed...)

The whole day again, I felt oppressive inside, a feeling that has not subsided even after outbursts of tears over the past few days. Oppressive and also having stomach cramps again, a sign that I am feeling very agitated and stressed... Being at the office and having to hide how I am feeling, having to put on a smile and pretend all is well is sickening, is exhausting...

After half an hour or so on the phone, my ex said he was falling asleep and wanted to go sleep. He needed to get up early in the morning, but I felt unease hanging up the phone. How selfish I was wanting to hear his voice on the phone just that little bit longer so that I can  feel lonely that little bit less? What a mess I have become to be trembling on the phone and biting my nails till they are bleeding...

Who am I to take his time? He is doing me a favour, out of good will and concern for my wellbeing in calling me, so how could I hog his time and say crazy, incomprehensible things that will sure cause him worry and probably sleeplessness?

He tried to get me to see the lighter side of things. Today in the mail I got the result of an exam I took back in January  (looking back, I went through similar pangs of anxiety, self-doubt and emotional outbursts...). I passed. I read the letter, and then put it away. My ex told me to smile, to be proud of myself and to congratulate myself that through all adversity, I still passed.

But I felt empty. What did that exam mean? What does anything mean anything anymore?
An exam won't change the world... a pass will not change my world or how I feel inside.
How I feel so empty, lonely, so very lacking in love and warmth inside...

Should I have told him? Told someone who was my everything, told someone who broke my heart and shattered my dreams how lonely I am? Should I have told him that what I most long for these days is to be loved and to love? Perhaps it is completely unfair, completely selfish of me to tell him my innermost emotions.Why him of all people? So he could understand? So I can get to feel some semblance of the care and love he gave me so long ago to make myself feel a little better? I must remind myself again and again to hold back, to resist falling back into his care again, however well intentioned he is... Because I am vulnerable, I cannot stand to be hurt and disappointed again. I have a tendency to trust too easily and to make-believe that someone cares and loves me in the same way that I do him.

But it is painful and so very difficult maintaining all these walls, especially before someone with whom you could let it all down and reveal yourself completely, emotionally and physically completely.

And perhaps this is why, after several weeks of pretending of make-believing that I am getting better, when things take a turn for the worse, I am breaking down so easily... I am longing for company and love again like never before... I am clinging onto whatever semblance of care and compassion I used to know, despite the fact that circumstances have dramatically changed and that someone has already moved on and let me go...

I am still stuck in the past, dreaming and clinging onto the dream I dreamed, clinging onto the comfort  and warmth I opened myself to relish in and enjoy, when so much has happened... when pain and death and the trauma of loss and turbulence of bereavement is spinning me around and around and making me lose control of it all...

Email from the ex

Email from the ex

On my birthday, he wrote to me. Wishing me much peace and happiness, telling me how much he cares and wishes to be there for me.

Later in the afternoon, as I was sitting alone on the beach, he caught me on my phone. We videocammed, he played a birthday song with singing and dancing squirrels. He said happy birthday to me many many times. I was indifferent. This birthday is so meaningless. I said I wished someone were by my side to share it. I wished someone were here to hold my hand and show me how much they care.

My friend seemed to be making so much effort to reach me, to try to make me smile. I was not sure what to think. Here was someone who left me for someone else, who is still with someone else and continues to tell me how much he cares about and loves me.

 Perhaps that is all I will ever receive from him: love in this mysterious way that only he can understand, that is limited seemingly in words and repeated attempts to reach me and make me happy. Nothing more, nothing less, despite my wishes that we can one day be that strong, loving dynamic duo we once were and thought we would be for a long, long time to come...

At YUL

At the airport, ready to board another flight. Same day return, to Toronto and back later tonight. Second time in three days.

I'm exhausted. Went to bed at four, but could not really sleep till five, and had to get up an hour or so later. My head is a daze, and I'm feeling slow and heavy.

Strange... I have an exam, yet now and then I experience flashes of doubt and anger. Even as I was studying, images and thoughts appeared before me... How can my best friend, someone who keeps on telling me how much he loves me, "abandon" me at a period when I need someone to confide in most? How could this all happen to me in the past two years when I've had to struggle the most against the odds of life and mum's illness and death? Is it all worth it when you end up with nothing? Is it worth it when you jeopardise years of friendship for... What? I don't think anyone realises how much damage, how traumatic it has been for me. I don't think anyone can see how damaged and paining I am right now. Why am I letting myself be so bothered and so angered by it all? It's all in my mind... All in my mind...

Am I going to write an exam in this state of mind? Am I going to scrape enough points to pass? All I need and want is a pass... Eight more hours and all this will be over. For this time around.

Call to the bar

250113.1123

The hall began to fill with family and friends of hundred or so lawyers-to-be. The atmosphere was joyous, and I sat next to a friend and my ex's parents, who had ventured all the way from Europe, braving the bitter cold, to be present at their son's call to the bar ceremony.

I searched the mezzanine below us for my ex, and found him. I smiled when I saw the back of his head, even though he did not see me. Smiled at the thought he finally made it, pulled through all those late nights of studying and long hard days at work as a law student... And all those around him, everyone shares a similar story, shares the ambition of one day being able to officially call themselves "solicitor" or "barrister". Getting up at 430 in the morning, having slept only four hours or so max, was worth this moment. Bringing a smile and making little surprises is what I seem to do well, and I managed to pull another off.

The ceremony slept began as the organ played a moving classical piece. My friend's mum teared. She said she felt very emotional, especially as it was the anniversary of her own mother's passing. I wanted to do something, perhaps put my hand on her shoulder, but felt perhaps it was a bit too much. But having recently lost someone dear, I felt I should have said or done more to show that "you're not alone". All I could offer her was my smile of sympathy, and I hope she saw in my eyes what I wanted say.

One by one, names were called out and one by one all went on stage. People from all backgrounds, of all ages. Most inspiring was a guy in a wheelchair, who from a distance looked like he had some kind of motorneurone disorder. Yet he did it, he studied hard, he went through ten grueling months of articling, and he deserved so much to go on that stage and claim his certificates. He deserved so much the loud and long rounds of applause from across the hall. If he could do it, why can't I? Why can't I...?

I sat there and watched and waited for my friend to go on stage. I clapped louder an more vehemently than before, smile and hoped he would look our way, look to see how we all came and how we are so proud of him. Later I hugged him and congratulated him several times, reminded him of how fortunate he is to be surrounded by loved ones.

Without wanting to steal the show, as I sat there, I felt the reasons why it was difficult for me, and why it took courage to attend this ceremony, even though I wanted so much to bring a smile to my friend's face and make it a memorable event.

It's the familiarity of it all. Last time I sat in such an auditorium and on such an occasion was my own graduation, only eight months or so ago. And how heavy my heart was, how terribly, terribly sad my face and composure looked on pictures I never shared with any one. And today, here I was, sitting there, though for someone else, yet trying hard to suppress the tears, trying hard not to think of that day (if it ever comes, when I complete my bar...) when I am sitting there in the crowd waiting to be called to the bar. Where would mum and dad be? Who would come attend and cheer me on? Who would come hug me, kiss me, bring me flowers and remind me of what I have just accomplished and what a feat it has all been? Oh, how my ached even though a part of me tried to be strong and tried hard to maintain a smile for others to see.

I may have been dressed elegantly, I may have looked confident and smiley, but deep down inside I cracking up.

Wandering thoughts

This was supposed to be a trip to remember my mother, and in some ways my father... to remember the way they were, how kind and compassionate they were, how they gave me so much and asked for so little in return... It was supposed to a trip and time alone to figure out how to go on now that they are gone, and now that I am all alone. (Yes, I have a brother... But I get so little from him, and will only hear from him if I call... And my messages, telling him what I'm doing and how I'm feeling are almost always answered with: "Ok".)

I've thought of mum, and on occasion of dad too... I've been carrying with me two pictures of them, taking them from site to site, and finally parted with them at the Bodhi tree in Bodh Gaya where the Buddha became enlightened... In my little shoulder bag, I have a picture of mum, taken on brother's engagement day, and every time I come across a sacred site, I would take that picture out and sit it on the beautiful white teddy bear mum bought me last year. She said to me then: "This bear will be with you when I'm no longer around..." And that's true... The bear is a reminder of her, and I often fall sleep hugging it, sometimes with tears in my eyes...

This trip is supposed to be about remembering my parents, and finding myself... Yet, I find myself thinking of my ex... thinking of what we had, what could have been, and what broken relationship we seem to have now within such a short period of time... Is it really just me, as he seems to have suggested so many times over the past few months? Have I really changed so much that I'm so unbearable and unlovable? How can I not change having lost my mother and remaining parent? Have I really become such a terrible person after emerging from perhaps the greatest trauma of my life to date, so terrible that I get the impression from him that i only bring him grief and misery?

This time, this trip, alone is partly to get away, and to give my ex some distance from me, because increasingly I feel he's so tired of me. Yet At times, even while visiting so of the sacred sites, I find my mind remembering the wonderful moments, precious little intimate moments we once shared, and also remembering some of the mean and hurtful words that were exchanged. i find myself thinking about how he's doing, what he's doing. And I wonder, does he even think of me at all?

I do think of him fondly, miss him, sometimes even imagining how it would if he were here with me. I've written so many emails and notes over the last month or so telling him how I feel about us, our impasse, I made little surprise gifts and appearances for his birthday, and there's been very little reaction.

Is he doing this to spite me, to get his own back because I was gone and ignored his messages and calls for much of the start of of this year? I find myself, despite being in such peaceful surroundings, thinking and wondering: what is wrong with me...? Perhaps he's feeling free and uninhibited to do whatever, be with whomever while I'm not around, and yet I think of him so much, and carry with me his beloved teddy bear everywhere I go... Why am I using so much energy on my ex, when it is my parents I should be thinking of and remembering on this special journey?

here and there I am reminded of Buddha's words:

"They do not brood over the past,
They do not hanker after the future,
They live upon whatever they receive
Therefore they are radiant.”

What am I doing, but brooding over the past and longing for a distant, dream-like future? Why am I thinking about someone who is so far away, and who seems to grow more and more distant from me?

At this moment, I feel deeply the pain of loss and loneliness, especially when my body feels so wretched from illness and the nauseating effects of malaria pills I have to take for at least two weeks...

Operation Secret Adoption

I went into the animal shelter for my weekly volunteering period. It was quite empty compared to when I first started over a month ago. My heart sank when I could not find "my cat"... The very cat which was till today the object of "Operation Secret Adoption".

I fell in love with this Russian Blue cat, beautiful soft eyes and gray hair. On her chest is a white tuft, and after I sent a picture of the cat to my ex, he came up with a name for her: Tufty (her name at the shelter was Geisha...)

The cat would affectionately butt me with her head whenever I approached. I must admit, she melted my heart and made me feel so loved. And how she purred and purred when i stroked her soft fur, rubbed her chin and cheeks...
So affectionate is she...

For some reason my ex fell in love with her, even though he'd never seen her or played with her. He kept on saying he wants to adopt her, and I secretly planned to make it happen, to give him Tufty as a birthday gift. I asked about it, but problem is she needs to be adopted alone, and I already have a cat, and with my planned trips away I could not possibly adopt a cat and leave two cats at home... They'd have a... Cat fight!

When I opened the door to the room where Tufty stayed in for so many weeks, she was not there. My heart sank. There was an adoption drive this weekend, and she left along with 15 other cats.

In a way I'm happy for the elegant little gray missus, and I hope she has an owner who will give her all the love and affection she deserves till her ripe old age... I am sad and disappointed because I have been planning clandestinely to surprise my ex with the cat, and came up with these little ideas on how to keep it a secret until his birthday. I even got cards with cats on it and also printed out a picture of Tufty to include in a birthday package I'm planning to give/leave him (as I won't be there on the day itself)...I even dreamed that this would be another way to cement our relationship. Yes, I do daydream and imagine beautiful things.

But things are not meant to be. And I'm saddened by it. Though I guess, and I'd like to imagine, the cat is loved now and well taken care of by someone out there..:

I'll miss that little cat we called Tufty who for those few hours managed to touch my heart and touch the heart of my ex.

Sleeplessness

The first night is the hardest. A severe testing of the resolve of the heart, a challenge of my ability to let go and not let it affect me in any way.

But it must be done. Must be done or otherwise the drama and constants source of imbalance and hurt, jealousy and being made to feel like I deserve to be treated like a weakling and a fool, will not stop.

Sure, I still care about my ex. I still believe there is a potential between us to be wonderful, to have and to build on that something long and lasting. But not when he cannot let go-- either let go of me for a little while to realise what he really, truly needs in life, or let go of the relationship with his friend that has been a constant source of disagreement and tension between us for almost two years now. I know he is tired-- or at least that is what he told me. Tired to be caught in the middle between two people, tired of having to make time and be there for two different people. And he does not want to hurt either persons who seem to mean a lot to him. But he must decide. He must choose and be honest to himself and to the persons he ( claims he) cares about so deeply.

If my ex cannot let go, then I will go. I made this promise to myself over a year ago, but still I'm hanging around, still I feel like I'm been held back from really letting go by my ex's care and constant need to assure me and satisfy me.

If he really loves me so, if he really means what he says when he tells me/told me repeatedly he wants to be with me and be with me 100%, then a separation will make him realise what he really needs.

The separation will really be the test of our friendship/relationship, will once and for all prove how deeply we need one another, how deeply we are really meant for one another.

Departure

He was in tears. We hugged. "Sorry..." he said. I think I know why.

"You don't have to be sorry..." He took time off work to be with me. He bought an expensive ticket to fly here and has to work weeks to catch up on work. He cried and put himself through such painful experiences. For me. What more can I expect of a friend? What can I expect from just a friend?

"Be happy... Be free..." I wished him.

He continued to tear as he entered the immigration control. He turned back and mouthed, twice, "I love you..."

I smiled weakly back.

Visit

My ex called to say he booked his ticket to come visit. This time two days from now, he will be here, most likely lying next to me. That is wonderful, and I feel I need someone close I could talk to.

We had a tense discussion about when is the best time to visit. I preferred him to arrive just before the funeral, which is next Friday, but he says if he does that, he can stay a maximum of four days. He wasn't "comfortable" to fly so long and fly so far to stay that short a time. Best for him is to come now, and leave right after the funeral. And that's what he's doing.

I appreciate him coming all this way for me, and I know with his work schedule he's hemmed in for time. but I have some little reservations about visiting at this time. Aside from the confusion and things unsaid between us, I still feel confused why he would come all this way to see me and be with me. What are we to one another? I guess I just want to know, need to know, before I can fully open myself up to him again, like I used to do so uninhibitedly. And I'm afraid to just open myself up and make myself vulnerable and delude myself there is something there between us more than just friends, when he is still caught in a tangled love affair that has not yet ended.

Other than this, I feel so unprepared for the funeral for a number of reasons. I really have no idea what will be happening next week in the run up to the funeral itself. And I haven't even really mourned or let mum's passing affect me too much. I have difficulty with the fact I've not even cried at all. And when I worship mum and offer her food, I feel I do it so hastily and half-heartfelt. I've not even had the opportunity or time to make her a proper meal, which I did for dad every day, twice a day, back when he passed away... It is as if mum's death doesnt bother me at all. And that's disturbing...

I think need the time to really cry, really mourn, and I feel (fear?) my ex's visit might just delay that expression of emotions (or maybe will do the exact opposite?). I know when he is around I will really want to entertain him, and make him feel welcome, but I'm afraid I won't be able to do that properly if I'm busy attending to arrangements and dealing with things as they happen...

Or maybe as a friend said to me, just let him come to the funeral. The rest can be the rest...

Arrival of the ex

On way to the airport. My ex is about to arrive, after journey close to twenty four hours to get here. It means a lot, says a lot, and I am grateful someone would do that for me.

But in a way, I'm also scared. What is he doing here? Why is he here and in what capacity? Has he freed himself from the emotional mess he got himself into, and has he had the courage to finally let go of his emotional baggage? Do I dare to open up go him and to lean on him for support and comfort? How will I feel in these coming days dealing with an upcoming funeral and my ex being here?

No use worrying about things or thinking about things too much.

Whatever will be, will be...

Beset by dreams

Took a little nap in the morning, just after talking to my ex for a little while. As always, it feels nice to talk to him, to joke and talk like we've always managed to.

I fell asleep, but was disturbed by a number of dreams, of which i can only remember one, the last one.

I was traveling with my ex (who is my boyfriend in the dream) somewhere most likely in Vancouver or thereabouts. We checked into a hotel room, and I was busy unpacking and getting ready to go out. I prepared a number of little surprises for him, and headed out the door.

I saw him the corridor. He was shocked to see me, shocked and speechless. I turned around, and there was the other boy. I've never me him in real life, and in the dream it was the first time we met. He too looked shocked. it was clear they were prepared to go out together, but were caught in the act by me.

Momentarily I was calm, and extended my hand to introduce myself. My ex just stood there, frozen and speechless. The boy, looking so awkward around the corridor, did not say anything either.

"No need to say anything..." I said, smiling. But deep down inside, my heart was shattering from the deepest feeling betrayal I have ever experienced. I turned and walked away, did not look at my ex. I was hurting so bad, so terribly bad.

"Enjoy yourselves," i said bitterly. And I turned to walk away....

Rough wake up

I slept barely for three hours last night. I was hungry suddenly and got up to eat something. Brother too could not sleep, and we think it's related to the fact that Incense is constantly burning in a small space, making our throats dry and head ache. So we ended up watching part of the eufa finals.

I had another reason why I could not sleep, and so I got it off my chest and wrote to my ex. My mind has been thinking of him a lot, but I do not at all feel any liberty to call him after how things were suddenly left hanging between us. So I found myself in these past few weeks, perhaps the most emotionally challenging few weeks, restraining myself from calling him. And I found myself questioning the use of him being present at the funeral. Why ask someone to come all the way here, half way around the world, when for all I know he is still attached to someone else and in a relationship? I just don't want to be confused and having to restrain myself when I see him here, because I know I will throw myself at him, perhaps even pour my heart and tears out on him. And I can't do that, am not comfortable doing that, if he himself has unresolved issues.

I know, the situation with my ex seems so trivial to whom I have just lost and what depths of emotions I still need to work through. But I can't explain why: my mum's passing and the uncertainties with my ex are interrelated, and both have been constraining my ability to move on and move forward in life. Both issues, both dealing with my love and care for two diffident and very important people in my life, touch my heart to the core. One issue is resolved, and I feel more liberated after a beautiful farewell to mum. Now I want to resolve the other issue, however way, so I can start my life afresh and free from the past...

Only after writing an email did I manage to fall asleep. But even sleep was broken and not deep. I woke up with a terrible headache, and terrible sores. But a new day begins, and I must get mum ready to wash herself and eat, and get ready for perhaps more mourners who will drop by throughout the day...

Finally home

Three in the morning. Finally home. In mum's room, where I'll be spending my first night since my return here seventeen days ago. I'll be sleeping on her bed, on the bedsheets and using the blanket she used prior to entering the hospital three weeks ago. It's bizarre to think she went in and never came out again, at least not physically.

It's been a long seventeen days, and long evening. Almost two hours of chanting followed after we accompanied mum to the morgue. It was long, and brother got stung a lot by mosquitoes. But the chanting according to Taiwanese traditions will make it easier for mum to leave this realm and enter the other world.

Not sad. Strangely stoic, and haven't shed a tear yet. Maybe I'm just too tired now to feel. Too tired because last night was so rough for mum, and I slept only at three, and only for a few hours. Now to think of it, the memo the doctor gave us yesterday did say the last twenty four hours is the greatest struggle. Too tired also because since her passing at eight in the evening, there's been so much to take care of. So much paper work involved in checking out of the hospital, and then following traditions by accompanying mum to the resting place of her body until the actual funeral. It's not even sure when that will take place, within two weeks or so, but it all depends on which day is a "good" day for a funeral. And we've got the priest figuring that out.

I called my "little" uncle, mum's youngest brother, the one sibling mum is closest to. He happens to be in Vancouver. He said he will arrange to come back for the funeral, even though he just arrived there yesterday to be with his family. On Skype, I could see he was so saddened, his face in a deep frown. It even looked like he was close to tears. But his voice was calm, and he told me not to be too sad. I felt very apologetic ruining his holiday and reunion with his family. But he needs to know, for he cared and loved his sister so much...

And I called my ex, who happens to be on holiday with his parents, also in Vancouver. I hesitated a lot before contacting him. I don't know why I was most shaken when I was talking to my ex. Even more so than when mum breathed out her last breath before everything ended. I didn't know how to break the news. I didn't want to ruin his holiday with his parents, but he has a right to know, because he cares so much, and has been ever so supportive. He said before he'd (try to) be there with me at the funeral, but it's a lot to ask, because he's so busy at work. I guess I was shaken because of the uncertainties surrounding us.

Finally home. Surrounded by mum's things. I don't even know if I should be sleeping on her bed, for maybe she'll come back tonight. I did say to her before she passed away if there's anything to come back an visit. I also told her if there's something she wants to tell me, she can come back in a dream. "I won't be afraid..."

Because she's my mother. My mother I love so much, my mother whose hand I held and whose body I hugged as she left this world...

Sleepless at TVG

Sleepless till at least two thirty in the morning. My body was just somehow uncomfortable, whatever position I was lying in. My thoughts drifted to and fro, and for a moment I thought a lot of my ex, so I grabbed the phone and texted him.

We had a nice exchange of messages, joking and playing with words like we used to do, something we've not done for a long time, something I do miss.

Even so, still I could not sleep, and lay twisting and turning till I don't know when. My body felt agitated, uncomfortable, my mind was restless. Something was frustrating me, something was bothering my body, and I was sore and aching in my back.

Perhaps this is what mum feels like...?

Dream: ex and his dad

Such a strange dream that left me so tired when I woke up...

I was invited to a sleep over at my ex's place, and his dad was there (strangely not the mum). I was somehow responsible for making a nice meal, which i did. It was some kind of mash (potatoes?) with a lot of fresh greens.

I saw my ex waiting for me in his bedroom, waiting for me to join him for the night. He smiled at me beautifully, and my heart was pounding and swooning...

The next moment I was in a room chatting with his dad. He asked me about what I do for work, and I mentioned I'm taking over a job from a colleague (this is true in real life, or at least I'm waiting for the confirmation to do just that...) My ex's dad knows this colleague for some reason, and he started to complain about him, and at one point began to cry. Why? Because this colleague insulted the Queen and my ex's dad was very hurt by that... (dreams don't really make sense, do they?)

I woke up with such a terrible headache...

Letter from the ex

My ex wrote to me finally today, several days after I wrote him telling him how confused I am about what he feels toward me and what he would like from me. I wrote him at times when I am sitting next to mum, I so wish I could tell her not to worry about me, because there is someone who will care for me, who will love me no matter what happens. But is that someone my ex? How can I tell mum something I don't even know is true?

He wrote back, saying he has always care, he still cares, and he cannot care any less. He said how these few months apart made him realise so much, and how lost he was without me, his "best friend, rock and confidante", and how he longed for me so. When I was back in Canada last month, though there were feelings of anger and disappointment because I shut him out during perhaps the most challenging period of his life, as soon as he saw me, hugged me, and smelled me, he realised he never escaped my charm....

It is touching, so very beautiful and touching to receive an email like that. But it is also frightening too... Why does he feel so strongly toward me? What have I do to make him feel this way about me? And how does his feelings compare to feelings he has for someone else? Why me? Why after all the disappointments and arguments, the silent treatments and ignoring his calls, does he still feel this way toward me? How sincere is he really, and can he show me how much he really cares and wants to be with me?

Maybe I shouldn't be asking questions. Maybe I should just be glad that I am loved, and that there is someone who cares so much about me. But I need someone who will do more than tell me he loves me and wants to be with me... I need and want someone who will be there for me, who will support me and carry me through the most difficult of times. Is he this someone? Can I tell my mum I have such a someone in my life, and that she can go in peace?

My ex's email has two installments, and there is another one coming. I am not sure what else he will write, or what else he feels he should let me know. Maybe he's just telling me all these things in the first installment, and will use the second installment to tell me all the reasons why he is not able to be with or cannot be with me now. Yes, there is a deep seated pessimist within me, but in any case, I shouldn't get my hopes too high yet...

Betrayed

I was looking for my ex (in the dream, he was my boyfriend again...). Searching high and low for him in a crowded building. I was smiling because I thought he was playing hide and seek with me.

We were about to go to a party together, so I needed to find him so we can go together. I walked up some stairs and came to a library of sorts. I had a feeling he was in there, so I quietly sneaked in.

I heard his voice, talking softly in French. Soft Sweet talking in French. I followed hid voice and searched through the aisles of books. I saw him, and he saw me. On his face was the expression of being caught red handed. I immediately understood he was calling his ex. He had been lying to me, pretending that things are over with the other guy, when clandestinely they're still in touch. I immediately cried...

I ran out of the library, my heart shattering like never before. He shouted: "I can explain!!"

I jumped off a flight of stairs...

Dream

What a disturbing dream... Was with my ex, and we were in such a rush to get to a restaurant. We made it in the brink of time...

We were eating, and I had my ex's favourite bear with me. He gave me the bear to take with me on my last few trips back here, and the bear has accompanied mum and I on several trips together. The bear has such a beautiful and permeant smile on his face...

My ex was talking about something, j forget what, but it was related to mum and one of our travels. Then I saw the bear suddenly sob and cry. The bear was no longer smiling, but crying uncontrollably...

Dream: New Zealand

Had such an intense and vivid dream. Was onboard a beautiful aircraft of Air New Zealand (for some reason... I've never been to that country. But now I suddenly have an urge to...) I was flying there, and half way through the flight I spoke to one of the flight attendants to upgrade me to premium economy. They put me in a cabin and the chair was very spacious and I could lie down.

Suddenly the plane banked and stalled. I looked out the window and could see trees and houses. We were landing, an emergency landing. There was no warning at all and we just landed in the middle of a street. The plane remained intact, and nobody died or was injured. Everyone got out unscathed and we wandered around a bit before the captain said it's ok to fly again...

The plane took off, but it suddenly transformed into something else, some kind of spacecraft... Suddenly my ex was next to me, and we were sitting very intimately together. The craft soared into space and just vanished...

I woke up, tried to figure out where I was. And all this time have this longing to go to New Zealand, and to go there with my ex...

Dreams

Another night full of dreams. Dreams of my ex, dreams which are so unsettling and so distracting...

I think of him, perhaps too much. I miss him... does he me? What is he doing half way around the world? I do not know. Did he break things off with his boyfriend as he promised to, as he told a mutual friend he would?  Can I write to him, call him, confide in him and not feel like I am intruding in something and not think perhaps he is with another person?

He writes to me,  he tells me how much he is thinking of me, praying for me and my mum. But the way we left things is so uncertain. He seemed to tell me to hold on, to keep on hanging there and wait for him to resolve things. But there is no assurance that he is being true to his word that he will deal with things and remove obstacles to us getting back together.

What saddens me most is that he has not called once since we said goodbye. He knows, or can at least very well imagine,  how difficult this trip is for me. Other friends have at least called as I was about to leave the country. My ex, someone with whom I've shared so much with, someone I've never had any inhibition  in opening up to over the last few years, did not even do that (to be fair, he did write a few emails...). How much does he really care? How could he say he cares and then not even bother to call since we said goodbye in such a terrible manner?  How could he give me feelings of hope and tell me he loves me and would like to be with me, and yet just turn so cold after I leave the country?

I should not be left lingering like this... Don't I deserve some clarity or at least some closure? I really don't like being left like this. It is so distracting to be left to wonder what is (if anything) between us still,  and to constantly have to hesitate and wonder whether I can turn to him and seek support from him at this critical time of need...