Dream: ex and his dad

Such a strange dream that left me so tired when I woke up...

I was invited to a sleep over at my ex's place, and his dad was there (strangely not the mum). I was somehow responsible for making a nice meal, which i did. It was some kind of mash (potatoes?) with a lot of fresh greens.

I saw my ex waiting for me in his bedroom, waiting for me to join him for the night. He smiled at me beautifully, and my heart was pounding and swooning...

The next moment I was in a room chatting with his dad. He asked me about what I do for work, and I mentioned I'm taking over a job from a colleague (this is true in real life, or at least I'm waiting for the confirmation to do just that...) My ex's dad knows this colleague for some reason, and he started to complain about him, and at one point began to cry. Why? Because this colleague insulted the Queen and my ex's dad was very hurt by that... (dreams don't really make sense, do they?)

I woke up with such a terrible headache...

Job offer

I am very fortunate. Barely have I graduated and I got a job offer. It's not a full time position, but it suits me well as my life is in flux right now and I have difficulty committing to something that requires me to be around constantly.

The offer is to take over the position of editor of the prestigious journal that my research institute publishes. it'll be a challenge running the logistics of reviewing and editing a publication, but it is a much respected position that wil definitely give me a footing in the academic world.

They proposed the position to me two weeks ago, and I was thrilled. Even so, I was doubting my capabilities because it seems to be such an academic endeavour and I'm not really sure I've got what it takes. But my colleagues and the incumbent editor assured me I'm more qualified than most people, even those who are currently doing a doctorate degree. More qualified and more reliable too. I was touched and surprised by the confidence they have in me. There are details to be finalised, and subject to final approval by director if the institute, but it should be no problem.

I told mum, and she was happy for me. It is important to let her know that I have something waiting for me and that she does not have to worry much. Because she really doesn't. I have been always so fortunate wherever I do, and wherever I go. And this new job offer confirms that.

Thesising

Last few hours working on my thesis before I finally make a submission.  I feel energised, and would really like to finish it tonight, whatever length of time it takes. Going through everything again and trying to pick out spelling errors and simplify sentences takes time and effort. At times, I am even surprised I wrote this, and wonder how I even managed to put all this together coherently, even being away and distracted for so long.

Ironically, I made the finishing touches to my previous thesis here at home in Taiwan too.
Perhaps working here at home brings me luck... Luck to do something "quietly brilliant" and make myself and my mum proud!

Trip

I am quitting my job! In fact I told my workplace already a number of weeks ago that I do not plan to stay on until the very end of my contract, which is end of July. I just do not see any need to, and to be honest my work organising the competition has been done, and done very successfully. And so I can leave this job, and be glad I did a great job that people are going to remember. Whatever happens after me, or how my employer deals with finding a replacement is no longer my concern.

To be honest, I am quite disappointed and bitter about my workplace. Not the work that I do, not because I have to put in so many extra hours and even weekends to make sure that the event last week was a huge success. It is just that the workplace is stuffy with people who care more about image and money than really what you are doing... and the recognition I get is close to minimal. I had an appointment with the personnel secretary to discuss the days I had saved up for leave. Since I started last August, I did not take a single holiday... instead I was working overtime, more than double the laughable 22.6hours that I am officially employed for. I asked whether the overtime that I worked every single day could be turned into my leave days... and the reply was no. At least, not that simple. To qualify for overtime-turned-days-off, I must first 'apply' for it every time I work extra. Which means, every single day since I started working I must go tell my superior after 5pm that I will be working extra. And only then can they calculate my overtime, and turn that into days off.

I explained to the lady that my job is impossible to accomplish with just 22.6hours a week. How can a function that used to employ two people working close to 40hours a week in total be accomplished in just a little more than half the amount of time? And how do you expect people to work motivatedly by slashing people's salary? Outrageous. Then the lady said I should talk to my superiors and arrange something. But she was the one in charge of personnel...

Anyways, this is just the kind of rubbish I have to face at work, and the more I see it, the more I scoff at the kind of disorganisation and bureaucracy that is my workplace. How can a university that loves to pride itself on its (self-trumpeted) reputation and (false) high quality of education be so rotten and exploitative of its employees?

So I will in three weeks time leave this workplace and be glad I am able to get away. Others are not so lucky.

Renewed freedom

Suddenly, a deep sadness overcame me. It was dark, time unknown, and I started to weep. Thoughts of the absence of my dad, images of the audience before me applauding in a standing ovation, echoes of the countless words of success and congratulations, the sight of my mum in hospital. It was just too much to bear, too much to handle.

I hugged the blanket that dad had given me last time he came to see me. He said the blanket would keep me warm, and I especially needed it last night. The days of the Competition has finally come to an end. What a relief it was. I stepped out of the Peace Palace grounds, saw the sun, felt the light Spring breeze, and felt a heavy, heavy weight lift. The past few weeks have been such a tension to carry, the past few days such a ride between ups and downs, disappointments and embrassments. All I needed was a break, and sleep, to recover from the emotionally draining and physically abusive experiences.

I slept, but I know that my memories and dreams were filled with flashbacks of the events in the last few days. The embarrassment of humiliating a number of special guests, the discomfort of having to deal with unpleasant bickering between my own assistants, the unease I felt when people wanted me to pose take pictures with them, as if I were some kind of hero and idol... But on the other hand, there were the genuine kindness and assitance of strangers and dear ones, the genuine, warm words of gratitude and congratulations, and the hugs that I received from total strangers who were so appreciative of and impressed with the organisation.

I stood on that stage, people applauding before me, giving me nods of approval, smiles of appreciation and respect. I blushed, and smiled, nodding back, my heart silently calling out to them and thanking them for their kindness and for their recognition. But at the same time, a nagging thought pestered me and faught against the sense of personal achievement and success... what of all these things that went horribly wrong? What of all these failings like the incident of a collapsing colleague, the chaotic and confused award ceremony? What of the disappointed and humiliated looks of the sponsors who had come from so far away?

And, as the crowd applauded, I could not but think of and thank my mum, my dad... They could not be there, they could not see this impressive hall, this impressive crowd, and they could not feel or begin to imagine the overwhelming sense of pride and triumph that overcame me and swept me so suddenly away... I missed my mum, my dad... I missed them terribly, and wished they could be there to see it all, to feel it all, to hear all the words of congratulations and gratitude that showered over me again and again. But dad has sadly gone... mum is sadly missing.... and left behind is an emptiness that echoed again and echoed in my heart as the sound of applause echoed again and again in my ears...

The pain, the pride, the sadness and the smiles of joy. Mingled together like a poisonous mixture that drained me so like a trauma. Time flew by, people passed me by, hands gripped mine, and hugs embraced me. And inside is an emptiness that I cannot express.

An emptiness that expressed itself in the tears that fell as I suddenly awoke in the middle of the night, and cried.

Competition day II

I'm exhausted... drained, physically and mentally from the confusion, stress, insecurities and praises of the past two days. Finally, the Finals are upon us, and the Teldersdays are almost over. Today at the closing party, I was not very happy... distraught, dazzed, tired and drunk with some kind of deep, deep sadness I cannot explain... And all these people congratulating me, all these people applauding like I have never seen or heard before.... honoured and at the same time feeling defeated because I feel empty inside against the full onslaught of tiredness....

Too tired... too tired...

Competition day I

Tired, but still buzzing, partly from the excitement, partly from the ride of emotions throughout today. The Competition I have been planning together with my team started today. Three court sessions, nine courts, and two hundred guests. It's not easy, and this morning I had a stressful few hours when a number of things didn't go according to plan.

Stress, relief, gratitude, and worry... a mixture of emotions. And finally this day is over. Guests thank me, with such praise and gratitude, and I cannot but be appreciative and touched by their kind words and gestures. It moves me to tears, almost, the way they describe my hardwork and dedication. It's all come together, and all thanks to so many who have been there to support me, thanks to so many who have been there to help and extend a hand, or an ear.

I just came home, walking past the woods of Clingendael. Wearing the suit I wore to dad's funeral... I really wish dad could be here to see all this. I really wish mum could be

Exhausted

Two days before the start of the Competition, and I am so frustrated. Last night, I lay in bed but could not sleep, even though I was so physically tired. My mind was awake, and racing with thoughts. Even trying to watch my breath or meditate did not help, and I just got more and more tense until I was so tired I fell asleep.

The last three weeks have been like this... a constant routine between work and sleep, work and sleep, and still there seems to be much to be done at work. Pressures from above telling me to cut down costs and bring in more money... and pressure of trying to make sure all two hundred or so students and guests from all over the world will enjoy a competition they will remember. And together with colleagues who really are sometimes not as enthusiastic as I want them to be, I feel kind of impatient that things are moving at such a slow pace.

I do not like to 'hide' behind my victim role, but sometimes I just wish people would be more appreciative of what I have been through and work with me more. I have just gone through a great loss, and my mum has to go into hospital for treatment every other week... these are really not easy burdens to combine with the work of mine as the coordinator of this event. A lot of work could have been done a long time ago, but still now we are just starting it seems... Frustrating... and I see myself getting somewhat short-fused about it. Not that I start shouting or screaming, but the work atmosphere is somewhat tense because there is so much pressure, from time and from the amount of work waiting to be done...

And suddenly, just now I got a call from a colleague. He spoke about the very things that had been bothering me, and he told me to look at the bright side of things. I had gone through so much, and the event is going stronger and stronger and coming together as we speak. Guests will be applauding for all the hard work I have done, despite all the odds. Just a few months ago, people wanted to pull the plug on this event, but I managed to revive it and bring it even more glory and fame... all these are not little achievements, and of course if there were a more cohesive team, then it would be easier, but things are still going well.

Tears oozed out of my eyes as he said all those things.... all this hard work, all this time at the office, and working evenings and weekends, and indeed everything is coming together. All I can think of is imagine how my parents would be so proud of me if they could see me, a few days from now, in the Great Hall of Justice, with over 200 people applauding at the work that I (and with the help of so many, many others) have accomplished...

How proud my dad would be... because all that I have been working for, is for him to see, and for him to be proud of me.

Work, work

I cried at the office today. It was while speaking to a friend I had promised to meet for a long time. I had to call and cancel our appointment, because I was just overwhelmed with work and did not have time to even go out of the office. It has been like this ever since I got back from my leave two weeks ago.

She is a really sweet person, and just last year became a mother to a healthy and beautiful baby. I have seen the baby twice, and held her in my arms. When I see the baby's eyes, I feel how lucky she will be her whole life, because she has such a caring and loving mother that is my friend.

I am not sure what it is about my friend, but everytime I speak to her, she brings out the 'child' in me. Her voice is so soothing, her words so comforting. Just after I retired from Taiwan, I called her to tell her I had come back. The way she told me everything would be alright made my voice waver. It was as if she could feel my pain, as if she could reach inside and touch me, even though we were just on the phone. The motherliness of my friend is so powerful.

And again today, the same happened. I felt really bad having to cancel our appointment, but she was very understanding, and supportive. She told me to take it easy, and said we could meet when I am less busy. I thought of the many many days that have gone by since I returned to work, I thought of the days that I went to the office and just sat down without getting up until it was already night time.

At that point my eyes started to water again, and as if she could hear my tears, she told me to hang on there, to be strong, to go on despite the odds. That made me just feel even more touched.

I sat down at my desk, full of things to do, full of papers to be looked at and emails to be answered. I shut my eyes tightly and wiped my tears away. It was then that she said to me something that was so touching...

"...my parents passed away when I was just twelve, and I know how hard it is. When I feel sad or when I want to have my parents around, I would pinch myself. When I feel the pain, I know I am half my mother, and half my father. So you hang on there. Take a deep breath, make yourself a nice cup of tea, and just sit down for a few moments..."

And for those brief, few moments thereafter, the pressures from above, the bickering, the work politics, the money problems I have had to be faced with ever since the very moment I returned to work barely two weeks ago just disappeared.

Disappeared... like the clouds that would float on high and disappear the next time you look up.

Easter snow

It snowed on Easter Sunday, and it snowed today. In fact, I think outside it is still drizzling with snow. No white Christmas, as it should be, but a white Easter, as it unexpectedly is.

Over the long Easter weekend I finally had the time to rest and catch up on my sleep. Ever since I got back to the Netherlands, I have been working almost non-stop every single day. I did not even have the time to unpack my suitcase, and I was off to work again. So what a relief that I could have a few days to sleep in and slowly get accustomed to the time difference.

People ask me how I am feeling, and to be honest I am not sure. I am... content. I am just moving from moment to moment and still carrying on with life doing the best that I can with what I have. Nothing less. Nothing more. Work really is taking a lot of my time. Today, for example, I went in at around nine in the morning, sat down, and worked and worked till eight in the evening. No time to eat, no time to go out for a breath of fresh air... just work, work, work... answering emails, making phone calls, writing letters, stuffing envelops, planning events... Thank goodness my colleagues and assistants were there, or else I would have lost it.

So I come home every day, feeling already very tired that the only thing I want to do is lie down and sleep. And the next day again, work, work, work, as surely as the sun rises at dawn, and falls at dusk. Though, in the weekend, when I was unpacking my suitcase and cleaning my room, there were a few moments I felt sadness creep up...

Perhaps it was the snow drifting outside... The beauty of it, the serenity that made me think to myself what a shame it is that my dad can no longer enjoy it... A slight, fleeting moment of sadness and remorse... until I blink away the thought and go back to whatever I was doing then.

The other day I went for a walk in the slight snow, and eventually my footsteps took me to the forest nearby. As I approached the pond, there was a whole crowd of daffodils "tossing their heads in sprightly dance" as the light snowflakes, drifted, danced and fell so softly on the grass and vanished as suddenly as it appeared... Nobody would have known the snowflake was there, or ever existed. A father took his young son by the hand, son who was perhaps just learning to walk. He wobbled, and the father looked on smilingly, tugging at his arm in those moments just as the son looked like he was about to fall. The son giggled, and splashed in the puddles. The daffodils danced a bit more. I looked away, but the effects of that scene lingered, just as the memories of my dad still lingers on within.

Work is good. It keeps people occupied, it keeps people full and fills them with a purpose. But when does work become merely a distraction... or even an escape?

So when people ask me how I am feeling, to be honest I am still not sure.

Sudden snow

It suddenly started to snow. The flakes striking the hard below at a slant because of the North Sea winds. In those moments when the winds fade away, the snow drifts around like aimless flies in the air, and when the winds pick up again, they fallen and fly in the direction of the winds.

Just yesterday, a huge storm was predicted, and it had rained a lot. Even so, I braved the storm and went to catch two movies at the Rotterdam International Film Festival. And tonight, it suddenly started to snow. I only realised when I stepped outside from a bar I was drinking at with friends. And I had to cycle home in the wild weather of damp snow and strong winds. When I got home my pants were so soaked that as soon as I steped on the carpet, there was a pool of water dripping still.

Friday evening. I spent dinner together with friends from work. Nothing like talking and relaxing over good food with friends. After a series of incidents at work involving colleagues, it was good to 'air' it out and share the experiences. You try your very best to do your job, and there are those who want to claim the glory and the fame. You work every single day of the week, even though you are only paid part-time, and there are those who say to you that you should work even harder. You try to not make trouble and simply try to dedicate yourself to finishing the tasks ahead, and there are those who 'snitch' behind your back and try to report to other people everything you are doing wrong. And all the while I think to myself how petty these people are... how bored they must be to have nothing else to do than talk behind other people's backs and talk about other people's flaws... I think to myself how these people can actually be in positions of authority, or at least think and believe that they wield so much power other others.

I see this kind of pettiness and politics, and I scoff and laugh inside. Such a small workplace, but so much ridiculousness and unnecessary problems. For what? So that one person can feel better than another temporarily? So that one person can show off to the boss how much s/he has done and suck up to them by tramping on the efforts of others? Disgusting. These kind of people make me want to have nothing to do with them. They are digging their own graves.

Storm

I cycled to work, but walked home. Almost as soon as I got to the office, it started to drizzle, then rain, then pour and storm. By the evening, the pavement in front of my office building was a puddle, and I had to jump and hop to avoid being splashed by showers of water coming from rushing cars.

Weekend already. Originally I had wanted to go for my 'Friday Night Swim', but because of the bad weather, I just decided to go into town and grab something to eat. I didn't feel like cooking... in fact, I don't feel like anything, except that I feel myself falling ill with a runny nose. Not good, and certainly not helpful to my already down mood these days.

I actually dreamt of my work yesterday, and sometimes even when I'm not at work, I feel my thoughts wander towards the things that are waiting to be down at work... The organisation is going well and according to plan, but the problem now is the money. So far we've only managed to raise around ten thousand, but need around 5 or 6 times that amount to make sure that it is success, and that we don't go into debt like last year. I feel like since I'm the main person, I'm responsible for the finances, and I really feel the pressure of having to make sure that the budget is sound.

But it's so hard to ask people for money, and even harder to get it! I've already tried mailing a number of law firms, but only three replied, and gave only a couple of hundred. Compared to the thousands of Euros we need, that's nothing. And other organisations that we have approached seem to be not interested, or at least, have not replied. Frustrating.... frustrating that you write to people, but they do not reply. The waiting is the most frustrating of all.

Besides this, or maybe because of this, I feel really disorientated and distracted lately. I feel like I'm losing touch with myself, losing that sense of inquisitiveness and that sense of inspiration that has carried me through all these years. And that too is frustrating, and there is not really anyone I can talk to about it...

The reason perhaps why I don't write as much these days, because my mind is a fuzzy mess, and I'm not sure what to write sometimes.

Except rambles like this one.

Remember to enjoy yourself...

"This is supposed to be such a happy time of year, so why are you
stressed? Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and remember to enjoy
yourself."

Stressed... I really am. Really!

Been so tense lately, unable to sleep well at night, waking up late in the day, not eating well, and thinking a lot about work, so much I even dream about it in my sleep. And worse was that in the past few days, I had one of the worst stomach flus I have ever had in my entire life...

A large reason for my stress is my internship that I'm doing... or better said, not doing at all. Officially I've been 'working' for two months, but only two weeks ago did they give me the means for me to login and do work. For so many weeks, when I had time, I couldn't do any work... and no suddenly there is this big assignment, but I really have no time to do it, because of my other job... I really feel like quiting the internship, but I'm not sure how to tell them, especially since I've not done any work at all. And it seems the assignment they gave me is crucial to their trial... which makes me really feel guilty for not being able to deliver what I promised...

...and then there's work. Besides the lack of appreciation, and being told I cannot go to the Christmas dinner if I want to bring a date who is not a "partner", there's just so many little things that need to be taken care of. I have four assistents, but two of them have not shown up for some time, and this is the time when I need them the most. I understand they have exams and are busy with their own lives, but the worst is when you write to them and ask them to come, but they don't even bother to reply... Which means I have to pick up the work I gave them to do, and also do the work that I have of my own... Stress!

The last few days have been so unbearable, because of a serious bout of diahrrhea. It all started last Friday, when I felt really unwell. I thought it was the flu, and so I drank lots of juice and ate lots of fruits and vegetable. But I think I had an overdosis of vitamins, and my body simply couldn't handle it, so it all came out. I really had to go to the bathroom six, seven times a day, and evertime, just masses of liquid comes out, it's frightening. Evens so, my stomach feels like it's about to explode, because it seems to be filled with gas. My friend was really kind to me and bought me some medicine, and even cooked me some fresh home-made soup... but it turns out vegetable makes my conditions a bit worse, and for the last two days, things that came out of me were... green!

Only today did I start to feel better... and I cheered myself up a bit by going to buy a train ticket for next Friday.

One more week, and I'm going to France for Christmas... something to look forward to. Something to take away this stress, and hopefully let me enjoy myself in "such a happy time of year".

Christmas dinner at work

I have seen and heard many a ridiculous, and outright laughable, things at work. People politics, power and pompousness. But this is one has topped it all. At least for now.

About two weeks ago I was invited by 'The Management' (with capital 'T' and capital 'M') to a Christmas dinner. The purpose is to "express appreciation for all the good work" that has been done by the employees. Further, it will be "pleasant gathering [...] to strengthen collegial bonds", especially since getting to know your colleagues "on the homefront" is important "for a pleasant and balanced working environment". Of course.

I was enthused. Until I received the official invitation.

Apparently, it has been decided by 'The Management' that it will be chique event. The Management commandeth the dress code be "tenue de ville, gala, cocktail, tie-and-coat", everything under the motto "dress to impress" or "over the top". Already a turn-off for any (literally and metaphorically) red-blooded SOAS graduate indoctrinated to distrust petty little bourgeois exploits.

Then I realised you could bring a 'partner'. If someone I knew well was there, it probably would just be bearable. And perhaps, I thought to myself, it would not hurt to do a little personal PR and get to know my colleagues a little better. Besides, for all the work and time I put into my job, I deserve more than what I make.

So I rang the people in charge of organising the Christmas dinner, and told them I would like to attend, and bring a girlfriend along. I was asked whether there were any special dietary needs, and what our names were. I put down the phone, thinking I would be engaged on the evening of December 20th.

Moments later, I was called. "Is she the girlfriend, or a girlfriend?"

Curiously, I replied, honestly, "Just a girlfriend."

"I'm sorry, then you can't bring her. It has to be a partner."

I was surprised at the response. Since when are you only allowed to attend a Christmas dinner organised by your employer when the person you can bring along is a "partner"? "Sorry," I replied, expecting to feel the ridicule rise, "may I ask what the reason for that is?"

"It was a decision by The Management," was the explanation. As if the revelation of an untouchable supreme being is accepted and respected without questions. What is a partner anyways? "Someone with whom you have a deeply committed relationship". Ridicule peaked, and I did not know whether to laugh or cry.

Outrageous.

I listened to the secretary on the other side of the line explain the reasons why, and I felt she was not too happy about the decision either. A "deeply committed relationship"... the words echoed in my ears, like the annoying buzz of a mosquito while you are trying to sleep. I wondered to myself what that meant, as the image of a table seated with single-tons, surrounded by lavishly dressed and pompously made-up couples parading the room with glasses of champagne and polished silverware appeared before me...

Discriminatory.

Since when did my workplace decide who I can and cannot bring to a dinner party, the very purpose of which is to show appreciation for the hardwork I have been doing throughout these months? By what sacred decree is the hallowed definition of a "deeply committed relationship" stipulated? Are they going to probe into your private life? Are they going to ask how long you have been going out? How many times you have slept with one another? Or interrogate you on what the each person's role is in the relationship, just to decide whether you and your partner fall into the classification of what is "deeply committed"? Perhaps there will even be hired bouncers at the door trained for this purpose.

I regretted a little at my honesty, for if my friend and I were to just pretend that night we were (so-called) 'partners', no one would possibly know. But then again, why should I jeopardise my own personal integrity to play with their lovely little fabricated rules? I thought to myself the shocked and awed look on people's faces should I elegantly waltz in there hand in hand with a boyfriend. The Establishment frowns upon all that is unconventional and challenging to the established rules and present order.

I smiled. At the ridiculousness of the situation, at the absurdity of the justifications, at the firm determination not to go.

It was the kind of boyish smile that smiles itself when you know you are not stupid enough to submit yourself to such humiliation, when you know you are much better off without having to play along with their little fancy dressing-up games.

The letter L

Like any other boy who believes he deserves a little treat in life, I put a piece of cucumber and a few red and white seedless grapes into my dirty little trainer. I laid it to rest for the night, where it would sleep next to the fireplace in the office building along with many other shoes.

But unlike other shoes, mine had a little note on it for Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet.

"I have been very well-behaved this year! Heartfelt thanks! " I signed with a big "D", the first letter of my name, and put a smiley next to that.


I left the office, on a night of rain and wind.

The next morning, what ho, behold! My shoe was filled with a little package, with beautiful, colourful wrapping paper. And there was a scroll too, with a sweet poem. The kind-hearted and wise Saint Nicolas and his black slaves servants were here last night.

Carefully and excitedly, I tore open the wrapping, to see the expected chocolate letter. But when I saw what letter it was, it was as if someone took a pin and pricked through my excitement.

It wasn't letter I was expecting, and I even asked myself where in my name the letter "L" appears. I wrote my name in my mind, in full: David Kuan-Wei Chen... last time I checked, there was no L. I smiled at the irony, smiled at the fact that perhaps it was a joke. Or perhaps Sinterklaas and Zwarte Piet were so busy they mixed up my letter with another. But still, I wondered what I should do with a letter "L".

Not that I'm not grateful for receiving a little surprise at work, even if simply as a simple token of appreciation.

But such carelessness shows just how much they... care.

Dine and wine

I had a really laugh-filled night tonight. I've been trying to arrange a dinner with the four assistants I work with for a while, but every time it was cancelled because someone couldn't make it. And finally, tonight was the night we could all sit down together and do something 'social'.

I've been working with them (or actually, they've been working for me!) for a couple of weeks now, and I feel like we don't yet know each other that well yet. I try to bring them together, buy little snacks and drinks to treat them, but still between some of the team there's still very little connection. There were even a number of incidents that caused some misunderstandings, but thankfully that's more or less resolved.

I feel kind of bad, since, well, I'm the 'boss', and I'm supposed to bring them all together, because that's what a team is about. It's kind of difficult, because some of them come only one day a week, and don't get to see the others. And I really treat them as equals, and told them also that no-one is above or under any one at all, because we're all around the same age, so there's really no way to act as if we're pompous and sophisticated office people. We're students, but with a part-time job!

So the dinner plan was supposed to 'socialise' us all, and it really worked. We got together at a nice Italian restaurant. It was really unique, because you go in and they give you an electronic card, and every time you order something, it's cooked in front of you, and you pay when you leave by giving back the card. I treated them to some 'bruchetta', and bought drinks too. And I guess the food and drinks brought us close(r) together, and soon enough we were making jokes and really feeling more comfortable around one another.

I had a bit to drink, and soon was feeling really tipsy, as were the others. One glass of wine, a large glass of strawberry frozen margharitas... and David starts to talk about anything and everything! Preferred positions, how big and firm, how nice and juicy etc, etc. Before I start sounding like a pervert, I really am not. Just, when you put together a number of tipsy students together, you are never too far from the topic of sex. And we laughed so much I could feel my cheeks really hurting!

Who would have thought that an evening of bonding between us would have turned into such uncontrollable bouts of laughter and fun!

Protest!

I guess if there's one thing I can do, it's to write.

So I decided to write a protest email to my direct boss(es), and tell them how I feel about the sudden drop in my salary that they are offering me in this contract I received.

I was very clear and blunt. A promise is a promise, and you don't just suddenly break your promise because you change your mind. And you certainly don't do it if you make a promise that creates (false) expectations on the side of the other party. I mean, I'm working for the law faculty for pete's sake! They should know this better than anyone else!

I laid down the facts... that there was an agreement made before, and that it had been approved and known to the head of the department that they'd be paying me this X amount. That was the basis I accepted to work here, and also the reasons why I willingly turned down offers to work at excellent positions at two international courts! And they know that I turned down those opportunities, because I told them very clearly back in August about that.

And I also mentioned that I'm not at all obliged to stay working for them. In fact, I can pack my things and leave tomorrow, because I've not signed a contract yet. My previous contract as a student assistant during the summer ended in September already, and this new one that came through the mail was an extension and change of terms. Who would have thought they only increased my salary by EUR100 per month compared to that of a student assistant! I mean I've got a degree, and just about to complete another one! I've got experience, and I'm not stupid or incompetent (at least I don't think so, anymore....)! So, in very diplomatic language, I told them to either deal with the situation, or else go find someone else who will work for minimum wage.

The choice is theirs.

October 10

I was invited to a posh gala lunch today, and I didn't have to go very far. The hotel it was held in was five doors from where I work, so I put on a tie (hate ties!!) and a suit-jacket, and walked down the street.

I really don't like posh events, but it was really impressive to see, and it's not everyday that you get invited to go inside the most exclusive hotel in The Hague, where VIPs like (Bill) Clinton (when he was president still!) stayed.


The occasion was the 96th National Day of Taiwan (officially known as Republic of China, which I personally think is hideous and should never be used. The history and reason behind it is complicated, so Wikipedia can probably tell it better, or at least more neutrally...), and the event was held by Taiwan's de facto embassy here in The Netherlands. So the 'ambassador' was there, as well as representatives of lots of businesses, industries, as well as a number of Dutch parliamentarians.

The 'ambassador' (technically he's not, because Taiwan and the Netherlands don't have official diplomatic relations...) gave a speech. It was the usual kind of 'prep talk', praising the economic and political achievements that Taiwan has made in recent years, and praising the good friendship between Taiwan and the Netherlands. Primarily in the IT sector, since Taiwan produces the vast majority of LCD screens, but also huge in the horticulture industry, since together both countries cultivate the most orchids in the world. Of course, the 'ambassador' touched briefly on the topic of China, which plays a big role in why almost no country in the world dares to establish official relations with Taiwan, and why Taiwan is the only state not in the United Nations (even though it has a more efficient and democratic government, a prosperous economy and even though the people enjoy greater freedoms than much of the rest of the world...). The President himself was there... if only for a splitting second on tourism promotional video that was playing in the background on a huge 50inch flatscreen. Probably 'Made in Taiwan' too.



Then came one Dutch parliamentarian, who made a speech about how democracies should unite, and about how ridiculous China is abusing its power in the UN. He talked about that incident in the ECOSOC a few months ago ( I wrote about this too!) when China wanted to throw out pro-democracy NGO Liberal International just because the organisation advocated Taiwan's membership in the World Health Organisation. There was a silent boo in the hall. He assured everyone in the room that Taiwan has many friends in the Netherlands, including even the Foreign Minister who himself has many times supported pro-Taiwan measures in parliament, and he said that the Netherlands does care for countries and people who are free and democratic... unlike certain countries. Applause. Of course, the message could be even more effective if the Foreign Minister himself were present.

But I did see other important people... policy makers, university intellectuals (even my previous International Relations lecturer and respected foreign policy expert), and also some representatives from other embassies. In order not to create a diplomatic row, other embassies of course couldn't send anyone too 'important' to attend today's event. China's eyes and ears reach far and wide.


The food was just exquisite. In all my 23 years of eating and drinking, I've yet to come across such variety and delicacies as today! Just the main dish, there were half a dozen types of veal, fish, poultry and vegetarian dishes to choose from... not to mention the dozens of starters, salads, and other warm and cold platters, all neatly arranged before beautiful flower arrangements. The champagne and drinks kept on coming throughout the whole affair. And then there were the deserts...

chocolate ice-cream cake, hazelnut ice-cream cake, fresh raspberry tart, passion-fruit tart, even fresh tropical fruits I've not tasted in ages especially flown in from Taiwan, displayed enticingly next to hot-from-the-oven creme boulet, and plate after plate of delicious pies that are sure to give you a sugar high!

How did I, a humble (read poor) student/young professional end up there? Pure coincidence. When my mum was here, she revisited an old friend of hers, and it was this 'auntie' who suggested that I meet her outside the hotel and just 'tag along'. So for the better part of the gala, I 'tagged along', like a shy little puppy so unwillingly shown off to the world, as we woo-ed the room full of guests. The 'auntie' introduced me to one person to another, all old(er) and sophisticated members of the Taiwanese community. She was surprisingly proud of me, telling people how young I was, how talented I was (not), and how I completed my degree so quickly, and how I have such a well-respected and well-paying position at the university (...absolutely not). Embarrassing. Painful.

It's been such a long time since I last mingled with the Taiwanese community here. It seems like such a small world, where everyone knows each other, and where gossip travels even faster. Perhaps the last time I went to an event like this was more than ten years ago... and to be honest I don't really miss it. So to see all these strange faces and people I cannot even remember their names or what they do was overwhelming. But I just smiled, something I do so particularly well, and fiddled with my glass of champagne, while at the same time feeling the bubbles rush through and 'drunk' my head.


I went to get some food, and to my surprise I met someone. One look at her, and I thought I had met her before, but didn't dare to approach yet. I 'stalked' her a bit, and realised it was the very person I was thinking of, so went up to her.

Turns out, it was a classmate of mine who I've not seen for over five years! Funny. We talked, exchanged and compared notes, and realised that we've both travelled the world (a bit), but eventually still ended up studying at the same university (though at different faculties). She happens to be at the event in her capacity as the head of this society that is orientated towards international relations, and so she gets invited to these kinds of events a lot.

At the end of it all, I got my bag of free goodies, which contained all sorts of promotional materials, DVDs and CDs from Taiwan. I looked at the beautiful pictures of the lush high mountains and the deep blue sea with swimming with dolphins, and lost myself temporarily in scenes of exotic plants and wildlife, and in snapshots of people from different aborigines tribes and cultures living and working together on a little island in the Pacific... Memories of the country I came from, of the place where I was born and where I lived until six or so...

I stepped out onto the street, into the lazy Autumn sun, and saw the yellowing leaves twist and turn in the wind as they fell to the cobbled streets, and heard the clickety-clank of bicycles as men in suits cycled by. Lost in a scene of the country where I now live, and where I call home.

Consolation

I got up really early, even though I slept late last night. Despite the disappointment about my unexpected huge salary cut, I still went to work with joy, and wanting to make a good job of what I do.

Almost the whole day I was in meetings. First in the morning to meet a known professor of air (and space) law at my university who has a lot of contacts and an extensive networks. Because this year the case of the moot court competition I'm organising is dealing with air law, any company or organisation in the aviation field could be a big potential sponsor. With a lot of sponsoring, we can then make sure it's a big success in April, when the competition is held.

And the professor was extremely kind and helpful, and promised to support me all the way. He's already started to advertise on my behalf, and said he can kept big names like KLM (the biggest national airline of the Netherlands), and even Eurocontrol (the organisation in charge of air traffic coordination in Europe) to be involved in the event.

I left with hope, and a smile, and went to my next meeting. It was with my former boss, whom I'm succeeding at the office. She's been ever so kind all the way, ever since I started volunteering for her last year. She was the one who asked me to stay and work (paid!) during the summer, and she was one of the people who really pushed the university to offer me the position I'm in now, so I'm always really grateful for what she does for me. She's often there to help me, tell me what to do when I need help, and I thank her a lot, but she always says I shouldn't, which makes me really embarrassed and lost as what to say.

Anyways, today's meeting with her was a sort of 'passing-on of wisdom', because she's been doing my job for three years, so knows the competition really well. She gave me a lot of useful contacts, said she'd call and write to people on my behalf, and took me step by step through everything that needs to be done in the coming months. So patient, and so detailed! We were at her house, and she had two big fat cats that always stayed around, and occasionally nudged against us, which was really sweet. One even came to sit in my lap for a good ten minutes, until my legs started to get numb from his weight...

Just before I left, I took out a little card, and two gifts for her. As usual, she said I shouldn't have, but I really wanted to. I was really grateful.... you know the kind of gratefulness that even a thousand 'thank yous' can't express.... the kind of gratefulness that makes your eyes a little watery...

I came home and had a good dinner, after which my 'girlfriend' (for lack of a better word) called. We talked and chatted, like we often do, asking how one another's been today, and at one point she just broke down and started to cry...

She has a really stressful job that's not paid well, but makes her literally every single day of the week. She probably works more than twelve hours a day, and at weekends she even goes to work as well. But her colleagues don't seem to appreciate her and her hardwork. She's really tried so hard throughout her life, and had to do everything alone with no support from anyone (not even parents). She's working so hard, but seems like there's no recognition.

When her voice started wavered and she started to wimper, I felt like I could cry too... That's one 'problem' (if it's a problem...) with me, and it's that I'm too sensitive to other people's feelings, and they affect me. She started to cry, and talk about her anxieties and pains. I listened and now and then just 'hmm-ed..." in acknowledgement, but deep down inside wishing I could be there to hold her and tell her it'll be alright, tell her things aren't all that bad. I guess if there's one thing I can do well, it's to calm people down, and just let them cry, and to just listen, listen, listen. Because it's all that a lot of people need... a shoulder to cry on and a listening and caring heart to accompany them.

Just before we ended our conversation, almost one and a half hours later, she thanked me, again and again, for being there. This time, it was me feeling embarassed, and feeling like there's no need to thank at all.

I guess that's what my boss feels.

And I guess what goes around, comes around too.

Poor pay!

Just as I was thinking things at work were going so well, suddenly something comes through the mail and tells you differently!

Last week was the first official work week. It was busy, trying to get myself into the position and get used to the fact that I'm the teamleader in charge of two (soon to be four) people underneath me. I know these people from before, so I don't really see myself as "I'm in charge", but more as a team working together as equals. I think we work well together, and to encourage them and make them feel more 'at ease', I bought some fresh orange juice, donuts and even treated them to lunch. I hope they'll be 'happy workers', and feel good being at the office. That's my philosophy... if you're happy at work, you're more likely to be committed and more able to 'give' yourself to work, and that makes the whole atmosphere at work pleasant.

I opened the mail today, and it was my contract. They want me to sign it and return it ASAP. It contains all the details of my position, and also (very importantly) my salary. To my surprise (more like shock), I will be getting paid much less than they had already agreed! It's more than 400 Euros less, and which is a lot of money! Money I wanted to use to save up if I want to go abroad and study again!

In August when they started to negotiate about me staying on to work and coordinate the big moot court competition, they had shown me approximately how much I'd be earning. They even budgeted my salary into the costs of organising the competition, so it was pretty much clear. All this time I was of course under the impression I'd be making that X amount of money, and that was the basis on which I made all my plans to save up money, to use to pay bills and pay my parents for rent.

And suddenly, they send me a contract with so much less!!! I was so disappointed... but I had been warned by my colleagues that the university is not just bureaucratic, but also very, very cheap and expects people to work full-time on a part time salary. I mean, what is stated on my contract is just 100 Euros more every month when I was employed as a student assistant!!! And I know for a fact that what they're offering now is not much more than a cleaner at my building ( I spoke to one recently).

After taking away the computers that my team need to work, they do this? What are they trying to do? Cut back on costs? They can start by renting a cheaper building, instead of throwing away tens of thousands every month just on rent...

I'm not going to sign the contract, but I'll go make some noise! Who do they think they are? And to be honest, at this stage they need me more than I need them. If they're not willing to pay me the amount they wrote down in August, go find someone else. They can go find someone else who knows the competition like I do. They can go find someone and ask them to start organising this competition from scratch. See if they can have as much success.

Ridiculous...