Motivation

Or the lack thereof...

With each passing day, I feel my will and resolve being eroded more and more. Hospital, illness, pain, suffering, frustration, deterioration... So many negative influences and emotions, so many things beyond my control. I am losing it...

What is there to look forward to? What am I living for? Where can I find solace and comfort besides in closing my eyes and lying down to sleep?

What am I doing? What am I doing really?

There is such a deep, deep void inside my heart and soul, I fear one day I will collapse from the inside out...

It has come to this...

It has come to this...

Throughout these past few years, having been with mum so long through rough and turbulent periods, I have never seen her like this. So sick, so frail, so depressed and so suicidal... It's like she has given up, just waiting for that day to end all days. And she doesn't want me by her side. She's telling me to go.

 "I'm going to become paralysed..." "I'm going to get poisoned by all these drugs I'm taking..." I can only imagine how her pains and discomforts are causing mum to be so extreme in her thinking.  But I am beginning to crack and beginning to lose ways of coping.  

So helpless now, so utterly unable to lift her from the depths of her suffering, from the black hole of her negativity and bitterness... The darkest, darkest period of my life yet, and my head is aching terribly. God... dad...  Listen to the sound of mum coughing, listen to her moans, listen to her vomiting...  And listen to my prayers. Perhaps I don't pray hard and long enough.

Househunting

I am a getting anxious and desparate. Been searching for a place for two days, and there is nothing that I like. If a place is not too expensive, then the place is too far, or much too dirty and run-down. So I have been walking around the city, back and forth, going from apartment to apartment, hoping something good would show up.

And everytime I leave an aparment, I feel so deflated, because I have to continue looking. It is really exhausting, especially since I have not done any work for my studies yet, and nor did I have the time to buy books for what I need to read.

So as I came home again late at night, I felt really heavy with tension and stress. Every day I do not find an apartment I must pay a lot for my hostel, and I simply cannot keep on this for long. And living in a hostel means that I must eat out, which also costs a lot of money.... not only that, I feel so unhealthy, as if I do not get enough vegetables and nutrients whenever I eat out... so there seems to be a viscious cycle of despair, which all comes back to the fact that I STILL DO NOT HAVE A PLACE TO STAY...

Despite all these misfortunes, I did have some good fortune today. So I went to open a bank account, and this Asian lady helped me. When she asked for my ID, I gave her my passport, and she flipped through it, and was especially interested in the fact that I had many visas to Taiwan.

"So you go to Taiwan often, I see", she said.
"Yes, because my family lives there. And I was born there."
"Oh, me too!"

Turns out, the lady has been in Canada for 12 years, and also came as a young student, and has since been working at the bank. We started talking in Mandarin, and she was not only helpful in opening the bank account, she even showed me some places to look for an apartment, and offered to help if I need anything. This was a really welcome show of support, and made me feel all the less alone in this big, big city....

Final days

Lately I've been extremely moody and stressed. I feel it, and I don't like it, and the more I don't want to be moody, the more I feel stressed.

I think the state of my room at the moment has a lot to do with it. Everywhere, there are papers and my belongings strewn all over. I'm sifting through 24 years of my life in less than 7 days, and I need to decide what I should keep and what I can throw away. Being the nostalgic and sentimental person, I feel like I'm throwing a part of me everytime I put something in the bin... a ticket stub, my school notes, my old clothes (some which I don't even fit any more...), a stuffed toy... it's hard to let go, but then again, somethings I know I will never use or look at again, probably forever! And these are just material possessions. Not that they cost much, and much of it is probably just junk to any other person, but they hold dear sentimental value.

Problem is, I really want to get everything out of this house before I leave the country. My brother says I'm welcome to leave things behind, but I just want to have a clean break from this place. I just want to leave, and never come back here, because this is no longer my home. And why should I leave my things in a place I don't feel comfortable in? I'd rather pay a storage space to pile all the things I'm not taking with me to Canada than leave it behind here. But there's so much of it, and thinking about it just annoys me...

I guess I'm feeling moody partly (or perhaps greatly) because I'm only now starting to realise how little time I have left. I guess people panic when they realise time is really ticking, and they start to wonder why they didn't do things earlier. And so it is now with me... realising that my time here in the Netherlands is short and counting down, though I would like to take things slowly and appreciate every last moment of it. Seems like I still have so much unfinished business to take care of... contracts that I need to cancel, my studies which I need to deregister from, and all those people I need to meet and bid farewell to... I wish I could have the luxury of taking it slowly, and doing everything bit by bit without having to rush it... And most of all, have the time to see all those people I would like to see before I leave this country, maybe for good.

Going for a walk after dinner today, I went to the rose garden nearby where I've been going since I was a little boy. Seeing those flowers and trees reminded me of the time when I used to run around barefoot on the grass and admire the birds building their little nests in the ponds. But today, even though it might be the last time to go there for a long time to come, I was in no mood to admire all this beauty around me. My mind was tense and my mood depressed... I felt really bad afterwards, since I really was not pleasant company for my mum, who just wanted to enjoy the nature and the sunset... I felt really guilty and apologised for ruining her evening... and also my evening with her, since in two days I will be saying goodbye to her too.

Saying goodbye, to things, to places, to people I care and love most... it's hard, and I wish I could have the time to do it all at my own pace, to treasure every moment of it and remember every bit of detail.... but time is short. And has just gotten shorter.

Trip

I am quitting my job! In fact I told my workplace already a number of weeks ago that I do not plan to stay on until the very end of my contract, which is end of July. I just do not see any need to, and to be honest my work organising the competition has been done, and done very successfully. And so I can leave this job, and be glad I did a great job that people are going to remember. Whatever happens after me, or how my employer deals with finding a replacement is no longer my concern.

To be honest, I am quite disappointed and bitter about my workplace. Not the work that I do, not because I have to put in so many extra hours and even weekends to make sure that the event last week was a huge success. It is just that the workplace is stuffy with people who care more about image and money than really what you are doing... and the recognition I get is close to minimal. I had an appointment with the personnel secretary to discuss the days I had saved up for leave. Since I started last August, I did not take a single holiday... instead I was working overtime, more than double the laughable 22.6hours that I am officially employed for. I asked whether the overtime that I worked every single day could be turned into my leave days... and the reply was no. At least, not that simple. To qualify for overtime-turned-days-off, I must first 'apply' for it every time I work extra. Which means, every single day since I started working I must go tell my superior after 5pm that I will be working extra. And only then can they calculate my overtime, and turn that into days off.

I explained to the lady that my job is impossible to accomplish with just 22.6hours a week. How can a function that used to employ two people working close to 40hours a week in total be accomplished in just a little more than half the amount of time? And how do you expect people to work motivatedly by slashing people's salary? Outrageous. Then the lady said I should talk to my superiors and arrange something. But she was the one in charge of personnel...

Anyways, this is just the kind of rubbish I have to face at work, and the more I see it, the more I scoff at the kind of disorganisation and bureaucracy that is my workplace. How can a university that loves to pride itself on its (self-trumpeted) reputation and (false) high quality of education be so rotten and exploitative of its employees?

So I will in three weeks time leave this workplace and be glad I am able to get away. Others are not so lucky.

Exhausted

Two days before the start of the Competition, and I am so frustrated. Last night, I lay in bed but could not sleep, even though I was so physically tired. My mind was awake, and racing with thoughts. Even trying to watch my breath or meditate did not help, and I just got more and more tense until I was so tired I fell asleep.

The last three weeks have been like this... a constant routine between work and sleep, work and sleep, and still there seems to be much to be done at work. Pressures from above telling me to cut down costs and bring in more money... and pressure of trying to make sure all two hundred or so students and guests from all over the world will enjoy a competition they will remember. And together with colleagues who really are sometimes not as enthusiastic as I want them to be, I feel kind of impatient that things are moving at such a slow pace.

I do not like to 'hide' behind my victim role, but sometimes I just wish people would be more appreciative of what I have been through and work with me more. I have just gone through a great loss, and my mum has to go into hospital for treatment every other week... these are really not easy burdens to combine with the work of mine as the coordinator of this event. A lot of work could have been done a long time ago, but still now we are just starting it seems... Frustrating... and I see myself getting somewhat short-fused about it. Not that I start shouting or screaming, but the work atmosphere is somewhat tense because there is so much pressure, from time and from the amount of work waiting to be done...

And suddenly, just now I got a call from a colleague. He spoke about the very things that had been bothering me, and he told me to look at the bright side of things. I had gone through so much, and the event is going stronger and stronger and coming together as we speak. Guests will be applauding for all the hard work I have done, despite all the odds. Just a few months ago, people wanted to pull the plug on this event, but I managed to revive it and bring it even more glory and fame... all these are not little achievements, and of course if there were a more cohesive team, then it would be easier, but things are still going well.

Tears oozed out of my eyes as he said all those things.... all this hard work, all this time at the office, and working evenings and weekends, and indeed everything is coming together. All I can think of is imagine how my parents would be so proud of me if they could see me, a few days from now, in the Great Hall of Justice, with over 200 people applauding at the work that I (and with the help of so many, many others) have accomplished...

How proud my dad would be... because all that I have been working for, is for him to see, and for him to be proud of me.

Work, work

I cried at the office today. It was while speaking to a friend I had promised to meet for a long time. I had to call and cancel our appointment, because I was just overwhelmed with work and did not have time to even go out of the office. It has been like this ever since I got back from my leave two weeks ago.

She is a really sweet person, and just last year became a mother to a healthy and beautiful baby. I have seen the baby twice, and held her in my arms. When I see the baby's eyes, I feel how lucky she will be her whole life, because she has such a caring and loving mother that is my friend.

I am not sure what it is about my friend, but everytime I speak to her, she brings out the 'child' in me. Her voice is so soothing, her words so comforting. Just after I retired from Taiwan, I called her to tell her I had come back. The way she told me everything would be alright made my voice waver. It was as if she could feel my pain, as if she could reach inside and touch me, even though we were just on the phone. The motherliness of my friend is so powerful.

And again today, the same happened. I felt really bad having to cancel our appointment, but she was very understanding, and supportive. She told me to take it easy, and said we could meet when I am less busy. I thought of the many many days that have gone by since I returned to work, I thought of the days that I went to the office and just sat down without getting up until it was already night time.

At that point my eyes started to water again, and as if she could hear my tears, she told me to hang on there, to be strong, to go on despite the odds. That made me just feel even more touched.

I sat down at my desk, full of things to do, full of papers to be looked at and emails to be answered. I shut my eyes tightly and wiped my tears away. It was then that she said to me something that was so touching...

"...my parents passed away when I was just twelve, and I know how hard it is. When I feel sad or when I want to have my parents around, I would pinch myself. When I feel the pain, I know I am half my mother, and half my father. So you hang on there. Take a deep breath, make yourself a nice cup of tea, and just sit down for a few moments..."

And for those brief, few moments thereafter, the pressures from above, the bickering, the work politics, the money problems I have had to be faced with ever since the very moment I returned to work barely two weeks ago just disappeared.

Disappeared... like the clouds that would float on high and disappear the next time you look up.

Easter snow

It snowed on Easter Sunday, and it snowed today. In fact, I think outside it is still drizzling with snow. No white Christmas, as it should be, but a white Easter, as it unexpectedly is.

Over the long Easter weekend I finally had the time to rest and catch up on my sleep. Ever since I got back to the Netherlands, I have been working almost non-stop every single day. I did not even have the time to unpack my suitcase, and I was off to work again. So what a relief that I could have a few days to sleep in and slowly get accustomed to the time difference.

People ask me how I am feeling, and to be honest I am not sure. I am... content. I am just moving from moment to moment and still carrying on with life doing the best that I can with what I have. Nothing less. Nothing more. Work really is taking a lot of my time. Today, for example, I went in at around nine in the morning, sat down, and worked and worked till eight in the evening. No time to eat, no time to go out for a breath of fresh air... just work, work, work... answering emails, making phone calls, writing letters, stuffing envelops, planning events... Thank goodness my colleagues and assistants were there, or else I would have lost it.

So I come home every day, feeling already very tired that the only thing I want to do is lie down and sleep. And the next day again, work, work, work, as surely as the sun rises at dawn, and falls at dusk. Though, in the weekend, when I was unpacking my suitcase and cleaning my room, there were a few moments I felt sadness creep up...

Perhaps it was the snow drifting outside... The beauty of it, the serenity that made me think to myself what a shame it is that my dad can no longer enjoy it... A slight, fleeting moment of sadness and remorse... until I blink away the thought and go back to whatever I was doing then.

The other day I went for a walk in the slight snow, and eventually my footsteps took me to the forest nearby. As I approached the pond, there was a whole crowd of daffodils "tossing their heads in sprightly dance" as the light snowflakes, drifted, danced and fell so softly on the grass and vanished as suddenly as it appeared... Nobody would have known the snowflake was there, or ever existed. A father took his young son by the hand, son who was perhaps just learning to walk. He wobbled, and the father looked on smilingly, tugging at his arm in those moments just as the son looked like he was about to fall. The son giggled, and splashed in the puddles. The daffodils danced a bit more. I looked away, but the effects of that scene lingered, just as the memories of my dad still lingers on within.

Work is good. It keeps people occupied, it keeps people full and fills them with a purpose. But when does work become merely a distraction... or even an escape?

So when people ask me how I am feeling, to be honest I am still not sure.

Storm

I cycled to work, but walked home. Almost as soon as I got to the office, it started to drizzle, then rain, then pour and storm. By the evening, the pavement in front of my office building was a puddle, and I had to jump and hop to avoid being splashed by showers of water coming from rushing cars.

Weekend already. Originally I had wanted to go for my 'Friday Night Swim', but because of the bad weather, I just decided to go into town and grab something to eat. I didn't feel like cooking... in fact, I don't feel like anything, except that I feel myself falling ill with a runny nose. Not good, and certainly not helpful to my already down mood these days.

I actually dreamt of my work yesterday, and sometimes even when I'm not at work, I feel my thoughts wander towards the things that are waiting to be down at work... The organisation is going well and according to plan, but the problem now is the money. So far we've only managed to raise around ten thousand, but need around 5 or 6 times that amount to make sure that it is success, and that we don't go into debt like last year. I feel like since I'm the main person, I'm responsible for the finances, and I really feel the pressure of having to make sure that the budget is sound.

But it's so hard to ask people for money, and even harder to get it! I've already tried mailing a number of law firms, but only three replied, and gave only a couple of hundred. Compared to the thousands of Euros we need, that's nothing. And other organisations that we have approached seem to be not interested, or at least, have not replied. Frustrating.... frustrating that you write to people, but they do not reply. The waiting is the most frustrating of all.

Besides this, or maybe because of this, I feel really disorientated and distracted lately. I feel like I'm losing touch with myself, losing that sense of inquisitiveness and that sense of inspiration that has carried me through all these years. And that too is frustrating, and there is not really anyone I can talk to about it...

The reason perhaps why I don't write as much these days, because my mind is a fuzzy mess, and I'm not sure what to write sometimes.

Except rambles like this one.

Remember to enjoy yourself...

"This is supposed to be such a happy time of year, so why are you
stressed? Stop putting so much pressure on yourself and remember to enjoy
yourself."

Stressed... I really am. Really!

Been so tense lately, unable to sleep well at night, waking up late in the day, not eating well, and thinking a lot about work, so much I even dream about it in my sleep. And worse was that in the past few days, I had one of the worst stomach flus I have ever had in my entire life...

A large reason for my stress is my internship that I'm doing... or better said, not doing at all. Officially I've been 'working' for two months, but only two weeks ago did they give me the means for me to login and do work. For so many weeks, when I had time, I couldn't do any work... and no suddenly there is this big assignment, but I really have no time to do it, because of my other job... I really feel like quiting the internship, but I'm not sure how to tell them, especially since I've not done any work at all. And it seems the assignment they gave me is crucial to their trial... which makes me really feel guilty for not being able to deliver what I promised...

...and then there's work. Besides the lack of appreciation, and being told I cannot go to the Christmas dinner if I want to bring a date who is not a "partner", there's just so many little things that need to be taken care of. I have four assistents, but two of them have not shown up for some time, and this is the time when I need them the most. I understand they have exams and are busy with their own lives, but the worst is when you write to them and ask them to come, but they don't even bother to reply... Which means I have to pick up the work I gave them to do, and also do the work that I have of my own... Stress!

The last few days have been so unbearable, because of a serious bout of diahrrhea. It all started last Friday, when I felt really unwell. I thought it was the flu, and so I drank lots of juice and ate lots of fruits and vegetable. But I think I had an overdosis of vitamins, and my body simply couldn't handle it, so it all came out. I really had to go to the bathroom six, seven times a day, and evertime, just masses of liquid comes out, it's frightening. Evens so, my stomach feels like it's about to explode, because it seems to be filled with gas. My friend was really kind to me and bought me some medicine, and even cooked me some fresh home-made soup... but it turns out vegetable makes my conditions a bit worse, and for the last two days, things that came out of me were... green!

Only today did I start to feel better... and I cheered myself up a bit by going to buy a train ticket for next Friday.

One more week, and I'm going to France for Christmas... something to look forward to. Something to take away this stress, and hopefully let me enjoy myself in "such a happy time of year".

Bright, bright sun shiny day

Woke up much too late... saw the rain and the gray clouds, and closed my eyes and went back to sleep. Not once, not twice, but three times. Until a friend called at around 1pm.

Time to get up. We chatted a while and exchanged lives. It's hard to get out of a slump when you're down... Getting up in the morning, I think of all the things that I need to do for work, and feel like if I just sleep it'll go away. But then again, subconsciously my dream pattern seem to be clouded by the fears and thoughts of work and things I still need to do.

Some days you feel like you're losing control of your life. Sometimes you look around your room and realise it's such a dusty big mess that it's not funny. You want to clean, you want to get yourself out of the hole you've dug yourself into, but it takes so much motivation, so much energy and a big push from within and without to get you started.

Oh yes I can make it now the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that rainbow I've been praying for
It's gonna be a bright bright bright bright sun shiny day

Stroll

The tree tops were crowned with the sun, and the golden dusk rays streamed through the forest floors. It was the kind of cold that made your nose water, but thankfully I was wrapped warmly in a thick jumper and my own admiration of the beauty of Autumn around me.

Suddenly a middle-aged man cycled past me, very, very slowly, the scent of his smelly cigar lingering in the air, chocking my nostrils. My Rat senses smelled danger, and I realised why. Almost two hours of wandering around in the woods, my footsteps unconsciously took me into the notorious ‘cruising’ area south of Haagse Bos, along the highway N44. In the Netherlands (and elsewhere), the phenomenon of ‘homo-ontmoetingsplaats’ (‘gay meeting place’, or HOP in Dutch) has resulted in public areas like parks, nature reserves, parking lots and beaches becoming unofficial places where men, homosexual or otherwise, meet to have anonymous no-strings-attached sex for fun (or otherwise). There are even websites dedicated to locating these places, as well as giving you tips on how best to ‘cruise’. Police usually turn a blind eye to what happens in these places, even if it happens just down the road from the Queen’s official residence… even if kids playing football may run the risk of innocently and unexpectedly catch people ‘having a ball’ behind the bushes. Common nuisances include noise (it can get noisy…), pollution (used condoms and tissues…), and even violence, as gay-bashers increasing prowl these areas for victims.

Anyways, my Rat senses told me to get out of the area, and fast! Not only was the man on the bike turning around and looking at me, another guy appeared out of nowhere behind a tree. Thankfully they were all some distance away, and I avoided eye contact to avoid giving them the impression I’d in any way be interested in their sleazy sexcapades. I quickened my pace, and just looked like I was minding my own business. Fallen leaves rustled beneath my feet, and the barely naked trees overhead swayed in the breeze. I didn’t dare look back, for if I’d done that, I’m pretty sure the two behind me would have followed.

Through the dense forest, I could hear the sound of cars rushing by. Thank goodness I was out of the forest, out in the open.

So much for a peaceful and relaxing stroll in the woods.

Tuesday night out

I’m really not a big fan of loud bars… but I started working part-time at an international tribunal recently, and my friend said it would be a great way to meet new people. She said I’ve not been myself since last week, and that I really need to go out and meet new people instead of going home and being all alone in my room…

So, I sort of reluctantly agreed, and tagged along. Tuesday nights is usually the night when all the interns at this tribunal gather at a bar. And indeed, the place was just filled with all sorts of international people. Besides my friend, I knew nobody, and was really a bit intimidated as I walked through the door.

I got introduced to a number of friends of my friend, and I guess I chatted with them. But you know sometimes you chat with someone at a bar, and you know that you’ll probably never see the person after you walk out the door… that’s what I felt. Downed a glass of red wine, and glanced around looking for people I might know (or might be interested in knowing…), but there was none.

Thank goodness my friend was next to me almost the whole time. But problem is, my friend is really pretty and attractive, and when I stand next to her, and especially because of the way we interact, most people would think we are boy- and girlfriends. But we’re anything but that! We’re basically love without the sex!

A number of guys came up to talk to her, and I felt like there was a sort of tension. I felt like I didn’t belong there, or shouldn’t be there. Of course, the guys introduced themselves to me, but it was more because it was courtesy instead of out of real interest in getting to know me. They were too busy eyeing my friend and trying to ‘pick up’ than be interested in me or what I had to say. So I felt like I was an extra on an already crowded stage of tête-à-tête, and that I didn’t belong.

I don’t know if it’s me and my problem of meeting new people. I’m just too shy and self-conscious to go to someone and strike up a conversation. Funny thing is, once I get to know a person, I can be my ‘normal’ self and be really caring and warm. But it’s that first step, of getting to know me, and getting to know them, that is so hard to break through. And at the tribunal, where everyone is some kind of high-flying and super-intelligent lawyer, who would want to speak to a lowly intern who hasn’t even graduated from his studies? At my other work place in the university, I’m more or less alone too, because my colleagues are ‘mother-types’, and even though they’re all so nice and friendly, it’s not exactly as if I’m going to go have fun with them. Frustrating…

Wind

I really don't like it when someone agrees with you to do something together, and suddenly tells you at the last minute they have something else to do.

So again, I got stood up! :( Had agreed with a friend that we'd go cycling today, because the weather was supposed to be much warmer (by 2C). But at around noon, she texted me saying that she's going out with her parents instead... so unreliable! And I was looking forward to it too... I didn't get angry at her, and only texted her back saying it's not a big deal, and even hoped that she has fun...

But then when I think about it, I realise this incident is not the first time, and actually means more than just not living up to a promise. It's things like this that makes me feel like people can treat me like a worthless person... treat me like someone you can just cancel on at the last minute, or like someone you don't need to contact or speak to for a long time until the moment I'm needed...

Surely I'm much more than just being useful! Surely I can give people more than just help when they need it! I mean I'm not a terrible person to be around with, and I'm not someone who plans or tries to take advantage of other people... but then people push me away, and only come to me when they need something. And it hurts.

Well, with or without anyone, I went cycling. The weather wasn't as great as predicted; in fact, it was horrible and probably the worst kind of weather to cycle in. No matter. I promised myself that I'd go cycling, and cycling was what I did. I need it, to clear my head, to make myself feel energetic and useful, and also to get out of the house.

A friend told me the other day that there's a beach down the coast from where I live which is supposed to be nice. It's located around 20km, at a town called Hoek van Holland ('Corner of Holland'). I know it because when I was studying in London that's where I take the ferry across the North Sea to England. I remember watching the land slowly disappear from the window of the ferry whenever I left the country... and watching the land gradually appear as I sailed home. So, it's a memorable place.



Though I've never been there by bike. So I took my bike and cycled through the dunes, along the coast. There were cycle-paths along the way, so it was easy to ride and find your way... except the fact there was really intense winds and drizzle. At one point, an hour or so into my trip, I started to hear my head ache, like something was constantly banging against my temples and forehead, and it felt like I was going to faint or something. So I stopped and rested for while, and called my mum.

It was an empty landscape, the only other life were two black bulls grazing in the field and crows that swarmed black overhead. Besides that, I was surrounded a wall of sand dune and thin undergrowth of shrubs and dry grass. I spoke to mum for half an hour or so, but at times the wind was doing more of the talking than we were. She's doing alright, and when I speak to her, I realise how much I miss her. She's really the only family that I feel close to, which is sad, because I live with my brother under the same roof but we have absolutely no contact at all. She told me about my life, asking whether I felt better after sounding depressed last week. I said yeah (I guess...) , and asked her how she's doing. Well, this Friday she's going to have a complete check-up of her body, and the doctors are going to examine whether the area which had cancerous cells around her intestines are really gone after the chemo therapy.

She once told me how painful the check up is... basically they shove a long, long tube fitted with a camera down your throat (endoscope), to reach the problem area. She's be anaesthetised, but still awake during the whole procedure. What's worse, there's noone to go with her. My dad just couldn't care less. I felt really sad hearing that, and along with the strong wind blowing and blowing in the barren landscape, I felt like I could cry there and then... But thankfully, she said a close friend of hers will go with her, and be with her throughout the whole day. That eased my sadness somewhat.

After talking to her, and drinking some warm tea I took from home, I cycled on. This time, I wrapped myself really warmly and wore the hat that came with my jacket. It did help protect from the cold, but still it was a struggle against the wind. All along the way was a naturally protected area to one side, and rows and rows of greenhouses on the other. At one point I reached a little town called 'Monster', but besides a dead rabbit lying on the side of the road, there were none to be found, so I cycled on.


I peddled hard, and the kilometres went by slowly. But I was determined to get to where I wanted to go, I was determined to see the sea that I had travelled across so many times before, so I fought and fought with the wind and weather. Sometimes, I was blown aside, and the wheels fell off of the cycle-path and sunk into the grass, causing me almost to fall over. But I jumped on the bike again, and peddled even harder. The wind may be against me now, I thought to myself, but when I go home (hopefully), it'll be an ally.


A cat jumped out of nowhere, and hid in the grass, watching me. I stopped and took a picture of it, and stood and watched it watch me. After a few moments, it probably go disinterested and started to silently walk away, which led me to cycle on as well.



And suddenly, around the corner was an open and almost empty beach. There was even a sign, welcoming me to Hoek van Holland, and ironically reminding me that this was the "sunniest beach in the Netherlands". I looked around at the gray overcast skies, and felt the drizzle on my face and jacket, and wondered where the sun was. Immediately I felt it was an unusual beach, and indeed there was another sign that explained why. All along the western coast of the Netherlands, the government is busy trying to pour sand onto the coast to prevent the sea taking away the land. There's even a special department of the Minstry of Transport and Water Management (Rijkswaterstaat) which deals with this. Every few years the Netherlands imports millions of tonnes of sand and piles it onto the western seafront. Hoek van Holland is one of these places, and indeed, the sand was fresh and neatly and evenly spread along the coast. Just before hitting the beach, I even saw this 'sand depot', with dozens of big trucks, and I was wondering why. And I found out why.


I had a rest on the beach, and treated myself to some warm Dutch pea-soup (erwtensoep) and fries to keep myself warm and full. It felt like heaven, sitting in that restaurant, enjoying 'grandma style' traditional food and watching the wind play with the waves outside. After that, I took a walk along the pier, and watched huge tanker go by, and the refinery flames jump in the air and harbour lights of Europoort (Rotterdam) twinkle in the distance.



Of course, I was only half the way, and needed to go home too! So I followed the signs, and started to head back. The way back I took another route, through little villages and towns that were covered with greenhouses. In the dark sky, you could feel like it was day, because of the orange glow of the lights. And the wind was with me, so I was really going fast in the night. I felt like I was an express train, speeding along the road, with my headlights shining into the distance, and red backlight trailing behind. And beneath me, the wheels made noises as they jumped and rolled over the tiles and tarmac of the cycle-path.

It was much quicker to return, and soon I was entering my city and seeing familiar streets. And even sooner I was under the warm shower, and feeling the water wash over my body, wash away the cold, aches and sweat.

Low skies

I think my friends and I agree. The weather makes us really depressed.

The Netherlands is not called the 'Low Lands' just because of its low land, but also because of its low skies. Sometimes the clouds are so low if feels like you can reach out and touch it. Some days, like in the past week or so, clouds are so low and so dense you don't see the sun. And the clouds are so gray, so thick and so impenetrable. And really thick and low clouds causes the atmosphere to depress, and in turn causes people to be depressed.

So it explains the sudden dip in my mood in the last few days (and in the mood of my writings recently...). It explains me feeling really lazy and 'blargh', and feeling like I want to sleep all the time. It also explain my special trip(s) to the supermarket to stock up on chocolate, and the tonnes of chips and chocolate ice cream that I had this evening, while indulging ourselves watching two happy-sappy-romantic movies.

In the fantasy world of Hollywood, the people are always perfect. Their clothes, houses, little lives, are perfect... even though in the one-and-a-half hour glimpse into their lives they may experience many sad and bad moments, everything turns out to be wonderful and sugar-coated. Lost love is found, and those with no love is suddenly surprised by the prince who is just around the corner, but (s)he never meets until the very last scene.

I walked my 'girlfriend' home, because it was already close to three in the morning, and really dark. We talked about the movies, and compared it to our own lives. Such contrasts!

For one thing, people are complicated and hard to handle. People are manipulative and deceiving, especially in the harsh, cruel, cold profession of lawyers. It's not about giving and receiving, but seems to be about taking, taking, taking, without thinking about what other people might want or need. It's a soulless existence, of hard drinking, of lost spirits and humanities, of disappointed people who work constantly, get paid huge amounts of money, but loose their health and time to be themselves in the process. A world I dread and dislike with all my heart, and which I thankfully am not too stuck in...

And because of this, there are serious emotional and personal issues in the people we meet. Some think they have found the perfect soul mate and will not let go. Some will try to bring you down because you won't give them what they want. Some will use power and sex to get to high places. Some will use money to buy power and sex... Some want to be more than friends, even though the other feels nothing back. Some are manipulative and try to act or say things to make you feel guilty, in order too get you to give them what they want... Some push into your lives and want to make you theirs, and want to invade your privacy and personality, because they suddenly found what they've been looking for all their life. But it's selfish, and it completely traps the person they want to cling onto, and they don't realise they are causing the other person hurt and pain. Worse is when the person is too shy or too sympathetic to make it clear that it's really unpleasant, and that the other person is being too pushy and selfish.

What is the balance? How do you find that someone in your life to share life with, but not completely depend on that other person for happiness? How do you share your life with someone else, but each person still have a life of his/her own? How do you make it clear to someone that they are being too controlling, being too invasive, and not hurt their feelings? How do you deal with someone who is sensitive to rejection, and will manipulate you into accepting him/her into your life, when you know that by accepting that person you loose your own happiness and sanity?

It's questions my friend and I have no answers to. It's questions both of us fear facing, and really are lost when it comes to looking for the answer.

I suddenly remembered what I learnt in those many months I lived in a Buddhist monastery... Life should be lead with compassion, love and wisdom. You can live life giving and caring for others, but you can't do it when you are jeopardising your own life or happiness to make others happy? How can you help others when you are wounded and already exhausted yourself? You will hurt them, even though your intentions may be good, because you are doing things for others to please them, to temporarily take away their pain and confusion, but the roots of your actions are themselves painful and confused.

Be a lotus flower, is my favourite parable which I like to tell myself (and others) when I'm lost or confused. A lotus is a beautiful plant that grows only in mud. You wouldn't expect it, but the dirtier and muddy the water, the more elegant and attractive the flower of the lotus becomes. So a lotus grows in a dirty and grimy environment, but turns out to be beautiful and the adoration and envy of the world. You can come from and live in bad circumstances, but still maintain your natural flair and beauty. You may not be able to change the lives of others, or to give to others all you wish you could, but you could show them there is beauty and hope out there...

OK, maybe such metaphors and allegories and beautiful imageries and similes won't cure us of our pains and take away the stresses and longings in our lives.... maybe this kind of positive thinking and good thoughts won't get us what we want in life and in love... but at least it's comforting. It's soothing, and heart warming.

Especially when the days and weather are cold and depressed.

"In My Secret Life"

At the office still, close to 7pm on a Friday evening...
The day's long ended,
I feel tired and a bit sick.
Of what I'm not sure.

Not sure what to do now, just that I don't want to go home.
Wander the streets, go cycling to nowhere,
Pretend as if I'm waiting for someone at a street corner,
Anywhere but go home.

Feel like I need to lie down and take a nap...
Just sleep away, sleep and go away.

Then I came across this song, which describes well what I feel like,
And who I am.
At least for now.

I saw you this morning.
You were moving so fast.
Can’t seem to
loosen my grip
On the past.
And I miss you so much.
There’s no one in
sight.
And we’re still making love
In My Secret Life.

I smile
when I’m angry.
I cheat and I lie.
I do what I have to do
To get
by.
But I know what is wrong
,And I know what is right.
And I’d die for
the truth
In My Secret Life.

Hold on, hold on, my brother.
My
sister, hold on tight.
I finally got my orders.
I’ll be marching through
the morning,
Marching through the night,
Moving cross the borders
Of My
Secret Life.

Looked through the paper.
Makes you want to
cry.
Nobody cares if the people
Live or die.
And the dealer wants you
thinking
That it’s either black or white.
Thank G-d it’s not that
simple
In My Secret Life.

I bite my lip.
I buy what I’m
told:
From the latest hit,To the wisdom of old.
But I’m always
alone.
And my heart is like ice.
And it’s crowded and cold
In My Secret
Life.

Lost

I've been filled with emotions for a number of days, and I feel like if I don't get them out, they're going to burst! : (

I guess that's the great thing about maintaining a blog... you can get the thoughts out on 'paper', talk, complain or cry or praise about people and things in your life, and feel much better afterwards. At least I hope so...



There are blessings and curses about being a Pisces. It's two fish, joined at the head and tail, completing an endless circle, forming an endless whole that is complete. I'm sensitive, warm, and can be sympathetic towards things and people around me.... but then again, I'm shy, insecure, and too sensitive to other people's reactions.... or worse, to other people's rejections. And being single, I always feel like there's another half of me missing, feel like I'm not complete, and that I lack a big chunk, without which makes me feel really empty and lost inside.

And I really feel that. I feel like I need to have somebody around me to make me 'whole', someone who is just there to make me feel less lonely, someone to make me feel (if only temporarily) that I'm not a lonely fish when there are supposed to be two fish.

I go out with my friends, and I smile and enjoy the company, but when it comes to going home, I feel really empty, and dread going home. Especially to a home where I don't talk to anyone, and to a home where the closest thing to warmth and love is from my cat...

It's not good, I know it myself. My friend once told me that people sometimes need to learn to be alone, and need to know how to spend time on their own. She said even when you find a partner, or 'other half' if you like to call it, you still cannot depend on that other person to give you happiness and feeling of completion. Because it's just selfish to do that, and because if you depend too much on other person to make you feel complete, you force that person to give, give, give, and when s/he doesn't give what you expect or want from him/her, you feel hurt and frustrated. A health person is one who can love, but also be lonely, and be just as happy being in love and loving as when he is lonely.


So I live my life with these great ups and downs... ups from the moments when I'm with someone, and laugh and have fun, and feel the warmth and connection through the little joys that we get from spending time together... it may just be cycling, or talking quietly over a warm cup of tea, or it may be watching the sunset, or it may be working together on a project... it doesn't have to be long, but the time together is certainly quality time, and priceless.

And when that time is over, then the down comes... I'm left feeling lost, lonely and alone, wondering what to do, feeling like there's that will entertain me, and long so much to be acknowledged by someone, anyone! I constantly look at my mobile, wondering whether anyone has called me, or check my email, wondering whether anyone has written to me... just sitting there, longing and waiting for the next moment when I can be with someone again... for the next moment when one fish can become two.

Up and down, down and up... seems like my world and happiness revolves around that of others. Even a therapist a number of years told me, I'm like a moon, and I continually circle other people ('planets') and find my centre of 'gravity'/attraction in other people...

So it was when I went out with a friend the other day. We had a great time, at least I thought... just doing very simple things, and I felt like I found yet another centre of gravity to revolve around. But I was afraid to get too close, afraid that if I do I'll push away a new found friend, and loose everything. And also afraid what the other person might think, or whether the feelings are mutual. So we parted, like as usual when I leave, and I went home feeling a little lost, regretful, wondering and confused afterwards. Again, a great example of the up and the downs of my rollercoaster ride of emotions, and my constant battle for company and the constant haunting of loneliness that hunts me down every time...



And today... I felt really blah :( waking up. I work into work, and coincidentally I met I went to 'girlfriend', and we went to lunch together. It was the same cafeteria where last time this guy kept checking me out and smiling at me... and today he was there again (of course, he works there!). This time the smiles and flirts were even more obvious. I must have looked a little dazed and lost, and at one point I sleepily rubbed my eyes. He saw that (of course, because he was watching me...), and probably found it cute or something and said very loudly and openly "Yes, life is hard!" At first I didn't realise he was talking to me, then he said it again, grinning widely, and winking.

I didn't know how to respond. I was still a bit down from the other day, so I didn't really react. But the guy was trying so hard, seriously trying to strike up a conversation (or trying to flirt...). For example, I bought a cup of tea, and chose rooibos flavour, and he said something like it was his favourite tea of all. But I was just a bit 'fragile' and insecure to reciprocate the flirting, so just let the chance go...

And afterwards, I felt more like sh*t, because who knows, there might be something there... Or at least, maybe I could have made a new friend, and not feel as lonely as I do now.

Anyways... this is just the confused, lost, rambling state of mind I'm in right now... feeling empty, hoping that I'd find that other fish to make two fish in me complete... if only temporarily.

And, yes... after writing all this, even though it may read like complete rubbish and may not even make any sense... I do feel better.

Trial....

32.6 Orahovac (near Lazete): In the late evening hours of 13 July and during the day of 14 July 1995, personnel from the Military Police Company of the Bratunac Brigade working together with other individuals and units transported hundreds of Bosnian Muslim males from in and around Bratunac to the Grbavci School in the village of Orahovac. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On 14 July 1995, VRS personnel including members of the Military Police Company of the Zvornik Brigade guarded and blindfolded the Bosnian Muslim males detained at the Grbavci School. In the early afternoon of 14 July 1995, VRS personnel transported these Bosnian Muslim males from the school at Grbavci to a nearby field, where personnel including members of the 4^th Battalion of the Zvornik Brigade ordered the prisoners off the trucks and summarily executed them with automatic weapons. Approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males were killed. On 14 and 15 July 1995, members of the Zvornik Brigade Engineering Company used heavy equipment to bury the victims in mass graves at the execution site, while the executions continued. On the evening of 14 July, lights from the engineering machinery illuminated the execution and burial sites during the executions.

32.7 The Petkovci School: On 14 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel transported approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males from detention sites in and around Bratunac to the school at Petkovci. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On 14 July and the early morning hours of 15 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel struck, beat, assaulted and shot with automatic weapons Bosnian Muslim males being detained at the school.

32.8 The "Dam" near Petkovci: On or about the evening of 14 July 1995 and the early morning hours of 15 July 1995, VRS personnel from the Zvornik Brigade including drivers and trucks from the 6^th Infantry Battalion and the Zvornik Brigade transported the surviving members of the group of approximately 1000 Bosnian Muslim males from the school at Petkovci to an area below the Dam near Petkovci. They were assembled below the Dam and summarily executed by VRS or MUP soldiers with automatic weapons. In the morning of 15 July 1995, VRS personnel from the Engineering Company of the Zvornik Brigade, working together with other individuals and units, used excavators and other heavy equipment to bury the victims while the executions continued.

32.9 Pilica School: On or about 14 and 15 July 1995, VRS and/or MUP personnel transported approximately 1200 Bosnian Muslim males from detention sites in Bratunac to the school at Pilica. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. On or about 14 and 15 July 1995, VRS military personnel with automatic weapons summarily executed many of the Bosnian Muslim males who had arrived, or were being detained, at the school. On 17 July 1995, VRS personnel from the "R" Battalion of the Zvornik Brigade retrieved the bodies of the victims from the Pilica School and transported them to the Branjevo Military Farm. On 17 July 1995, the Engineering Company of the Zvornik Brigade buried the victims of the Pilica School executions in a mass grave at the Branjevo Military Farm.

32.10 Branjevo Military Farm: On the morning of 16 July 1995, VRS personnel transported the remaining members of the group of approximately 1200 Bosnian Muslim males from the Pilica school by bus to the Branjevo Military Farm. These Bosnian Muslim men had been captured from the column of men retreating from the Srebrenica enclave or separated in Potocari. After the Bosnian Muslim males arrived at the Branjevo Military Farm, they were summarily executed by automatic weapon fire from members of the 10^th Sabotage Detachment and the Bratunac Brigade, working.........
(from Indictment against Vujadin Popovic, 26 March 2002)

...just doing some background reading for the latest job offer at the international criminal tribunal.

It's shocking... sickening, and makes your mind go numb from the attrocity and cruelty. It reads like a horror(ible) war novel, but the truth is it all happened. The truth is these are thousands of people who were tortured and exterminated because they were of one race or religion... The truth is there are many out there who are directly or indirectly responsible for giving the command for these deaths to happen...

...and am I to be involved in all of this?

"Why does it always rain on me?"

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I cant avoid the lightning.

Cycling home tonight after a farewell dinner with friends who are leaving.
Rain...
Rain...
Rain...

In the afternoon, while I was out and about at the big funfair, it was just a light drizzle, nothing to be worried about, and actually one of my favourite kind of weather. I love that feeling when little rain drops hang on your eye lashes, and your world becomes a little blurry. I love that feel when the little rain falls and clings to your forehead and cheeks.

But tonight was just pouring, pouring, pouring with rain. And cycling makes it seem so much worse, not just because you drove into puddles in the road, but because cars splash all over you at high speeds! My jacket, trousers, shoes and socks were completely wet. And my woolen scarf, yes scarf I'm using at the end of July, was just soaked...

I cycled as quickly as I could to get home, but it seemed at every stoplight I had to stop. So got even more wet from waiting. And even wetter from cars passing by. Then, I realised... why am I hurrying? It's not as if the quicker I get home, the quicker I'm going to dry! Why not enjoy the rain?

And so I did.

I let the rain soak my clothes even more than it already it, let my shoes become completed drenched in water, let my jeans soak so much it was heavy and stuck to my skin.

Rain... rain... let it fall!