Low skies

I think my friends and I agree. The weather makes us really depressed.

The Netherlands is not called the 'Low Lands' just because of its low land, but also because of its low skies. Sometimes the clouds are so low if feels like you can reach out and touch it. Some days, like in the past week or so, clouds are so low and so dense you don't see the sun. And the clouds are so gray, so thick and so impenetrable. And really thick and low clouds causes the atmosphere to depress, and in turn causes people to be depressed.

So it explains the sudden dip in my mood in the last few days (and in the mood of my writings recently...). It explains me feeling really lazy and 'blargh', and feeling like I want to sleep all the time. It also explain my special trip(s) to the supermarket to stock up on chocolate, and the tonnes of chips and chocolate ice cream that I had this evening, while indulging ourselves watching two happy-sappy-romantic movies.

In the fantasy world of Hollywood, the people are always perfect. Their clothes, houses, little lives, are perfect... even though in the one-and-a-half hour glimpse into their lives they may experience many sad and bad moments, everything turns out to be wonderful and sugar-coated. Lost love is found, and those with no love is suddenly surprised by the prince who is just around the corner, but (s)he never meets until the very last scene.

I walked my 'girlfriend' home, because it was already close to three in the morning, and really dark. We talked about the movies, and compared it to our own lives. Such contrasts!

For one thing, people are complicated and hard to handle. People are manipulative and deceiving, especially in the harsh, cruel, cold profession of lawyers. It's not about giving and receiving, but seems to be about taking, taking, taking, without thinking about what other people might want or need. It's a soulless existence, of hard drinking, of lost spirits and humanities, of disappointed people who work constantly, get paid huge amounts of money, but loose their health and time to be themselves in the process. A world I dread and dislike with all my heart, and which I thankfully am not too stuck in...

And because of this, there are serious emotional and personal issues in the people we meet. Some think they have found the perfect soul mate and will not let go. Some will try to bring you down because you won't give them what they want. Some will use power and sex to get to high places. Some will use money to buy power and sex... Some want to be more than friends, even though the other feels nothing back. Some are manipulative and try to act or say things to make you feel guilty, in order too get you to give them what they want... Some push into your lives and want to make you theirs, and want to invade your privacy and personality, because they suddenly found what they've been looking for all their life. But it's selfish, and it completely traps the person they want to cling onto, and they don't realise they are causing the other person hurt and pain. Worse is when the person is too shy or too sympathetic to make it clear that it's really unpleasant, and that the other person is being too pushy and selfish.

What is the balance? How do you find that someone in your life to share life with, but not completely depend on that other person for happiness? How do you share your life with someone else, but each person still have a life of his/her own? How do you make it clear to someone that they are being too controlling, being too invasive, and not hurt their feelings? How do you deal with someone who is sensitive to rejection, and will manipulate you into accepting him/her into your life, when you know that by accepting that person you loose your own happiness and sanity?

It's questions my friend and I have no answers to. It's questions both of us fear facing, and really are lost when it comes to looking for the answer.

I suddenly remembered what I learnt in those many months I lived in a Buddhist monastery... Life should be lead with compassion, love and wisdom. You can live life giving and caring for others, but you can't do it when you are jeopardising your own life or happiness to make others happy? How can you help others when you are wounded and already exhausted yourself? You will hurt them, even though your intentions may be good, because you are doing things for others to please them, to temporarily take away their pain and confusion, but the roots of your actions are themselves painful and confused.

Be a lotus flower, is my favourite parable which I like to tell myself (and others) when I'm lost or confused. A lotus is a beautiful plant that grows only in mud. You wouldn't expect it, but the dirtier and muddy the water, the more elegant and attractive the flower of the lotus becomes. So a lotus grows in a dirty and grimy environment, but turns out to be beautiful and the adoration and envy of the world. You can come from and live in bad circumstances, but still maintain your natural flair and beauty. You may not be able to change the lives of others, or to give to others all you wish you could, but you could show them there is beauty and hope out there...

OK, maybe such metaphors and allegories and beautiful imageries and similes won't cure us of our pains and take away the stresses and longings in our lives.... maybe this kind of positive thinking and good thoughts won't get us what we want in life and in love... but at least it's comforting. It's soothing, and heart warming.

Especially when the days and weather are cold and depressed.