"Oh what I'd give for a hundred years..."

"Oh, what I'd give for a hundred years,

But the physical interferes,

Everyday more, my Creator.

Oh, what good is the strongest heart,

In a body that's falling apart...?"

The actress half lay on the floor, weakened and defeated. Illness has robbed her of her strength, her courage, her fame and glory. Death is lurking and stalking her, life is fading away. How Evita must have felt toward the end of her life? How powerfully it was captured in song and on stage by the performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical, one of my all time favorites...

The musical was a delight, and something I'd looked forward to some time. In my late teens, I listened to it repeatedly (without realising the true meaning of "dressed up to the nines" or "at sixes and sevens"). One song in particular, "another suitcase, another hall" I felt poignantly described my life.... Always moving, never stable, my family spread across the world, my destiny so unclear and unknown... And for those many years when (first dad and later to a greater extent) mum was ill, my suitcase was always close by and half packed ready to go at an instant's notice. 

Seeing Evita succumb to (as I realised only this weekend) cancer brought back a lot of emotions and memories... For the couple of months, I have been so consumed with work i feel like I've not even had time to "feel". Being someone who is normally in tune with and driven by emotions, I began to feel uncaring and detached from life and the rest of the world. I feel so drained and so very unhappy, even though I was busy and making more money than usual. Soon after the show, in my friends apartment, I stared out the window at the night cityscape, and described how I feel... 

And I sobbed. The first time in a long, long time, even though often at night, when all's so quiet when the world is asleep, the feelings of emptiness and longing flood my heart and bring me close to bursting out in tears. As I told my friend, more and more mum and dad appear before me together, whereas before it was either one or the other. 

Is it so that after some time the dead just get lumped together? Is it true that after some time you just blur death and all those memories of illness and hospital visits together? I've tried hard not to think of and let my thoughts drift there... But seeing evita on the floor and lamenting her body succumbing to illness, I could not do anything else...

Those long nights, and difficult days at the hospital seem like an eternity away now. But I can still see it, smell it, feel it. It was overwhelming, traumatic and horribly painful to endure. And that was just for me, a bystander. How it must have been for dad, for mum! For my friends. For my uncle... For all these millions of cancer patients, and other sufferers of chronical and terminal illnesses, and their families. 

What kept me sane? What kept me alive? The belief of love that will heal me. The belief  that one day I will find someone who will truly heal me and pick me up and fill that void inside. A void that is still void. 

And now, two and a half years on since mum's passing, almost seven years since dad's passing, I am still standing, seemingly going strong. But at times I wonder what holds it all together. Because in moments of solitude, at night and in moment of silence, I can hear the darkness and painful memories echo, I can feel the void vibrate. 

There are moments after my lectures when I stand in the empty classroom and wonder whether my parents are there sitting in the back, smiling at me on the sofa in the back...

There are moments at work when I am so stressed and my eyes so tired that I think of my parents and just doing that would give me a burst of perseverance... Are they proud of me? Would they be proud of me and what I have become and done since they left this world? I sure hope so...

Laughter

In laughter, you forget... In those moments when you laugh and let the comicality of life (and perhaps a few crude jokes), you let go and allow your mind to be seized by joy, fulfillment and that warm fuzzy feeling you hope will never end.

But it will end, and it does end. Life is not all joy and laughter, and who believes that joy and laughter will last is fooling himself.

And by the same token, life is not all tears or sadness, not all mourning and pain, and who lives that life is depriving himself of the beauties and miracles of this world and all it has to offer.

In those moments when you laugh and smile, you will forget, you will let go. And you will, as I did tonight, learn and realise, bit by bit life gets better as life moves on...

Job offer

I am very fortunate. Barely have I graduated and I got a job offer. It's not a full time position, but it suits me well as my life is in flux right now and I have difficulty committing to something that requires me to be around constantly.

The offer is to take over the position of editor of the prestigious journal that my research institute publishes. it'll be a challenge running the logistics of reviewing and editing a publication, but it is a much respected position that wil definitely give me a footing in the academic world.

They proposed the position to me two weeks ago, and I was thrilled. Even so, I was doubting my capabilities because it seems to be such an academic endeavour and I'm not really sure I've got what it takes. But my colleagues and the incumbent editor assured me I'm more qualified than most people, even those who are currently doing a doctorate degree. More qualified and more reliable too. I was touched and surprised by the confidence they have in me. There are details to be finalised, and subject to final approval by director if the institute, but it should be no problem.

I told mum, and she was happy for me. It is important to let her know that I have something waiting for me and that she does not have to worry much. Because she really doesn't. I have been always so fortunate wherever I do, and wherever I go. And this new job offer confirms that.

Day before graduation

It's so easy to be distracted and not to think of home and what is happening at home. It is so easy to "hang around" with friends and just be lost in pleasure and smiles, just to forget mum is at the hospice ward.

Three more days, and I will know what it feels like to have "escaped" and to have been away from the realities of mum's current state...

Evening with friends

Just laughing, joking, sharing stories and (s)escapades over glasses of wine and good food. It was a wonderful evening with friends, and for a couple of hours there seemed to be not a worry in the world. It is something I've so missed, something I've been long for. Something that makes me feel so young and alive and glad to have wonderful friends.

I know this is what I need to maintain. I know there will come a day when I come back here and I will need this kind of reminders of how life can be, of how life can go on after even the most difficult and traumatic of experiences...

Sleepless night

More tears, more crying...

It has become almost a nightly affair.
Just tears, flowing incessantly. Tears of fear, tears of caused by such deep hurt and deep deep disappointment and frustrations. Nothing, not even meditation or attempts to drown myself with drink can calm me down... No one, not even my friend's words of encouragements can console me enough to allow me to fall asleep after leaving me for the night.

Please, tears, please stop.

Please stop these painful tears from falling...

Lament

I am just trying to find a way in life,
I am just trying to deal with unexpected hurdles thrown at me and trying to make the most of things...

And yet it is just setback after setback, obstacle after obstacle, heartbreak and pain after disappointments and frustrations.
Nothing ever goes according to plan,
Nothing ever is simple.

This is life.

A start

playing tennis, then having uninhibited fun and reliving childhood memories on the swings and see-saw. Reconnecting with friends, spending time with the ex. There are still things unsaid, perhaps difficult things that are difficult to express, but there will be a time a place for those things. Now, I am just basking in the moment, enjoying the wonderful moments I have so longed for and enjoying the people I have so dearly missed. It's as if I never left here. I can get used to this "easy" lifestyle, this life filled with friends and fun, that I have so missed... It is so comfortable, so very comforting to my tired mind and soul.

Beautiful, beautiful weather, not a cloud in the sky-- as if there were not a single worry in the world. But another world, filled with stress and anxieties in a whole different place with completely different people in my life, is but a thought away...

Talks

It's like I don't hear it. Brother tells me about talks he has been having with mum. Talks about her "arrangements". Where to go, what to do, how and all the details when she is no longer around.

I've had theses conversations with mum before. And at those times, it feel so natural, so simple to talk about death. Perhaps because death didn't seem so close. At least, never as close as now. And it frightens me. It intimidates me so.

The cancer is eating away her intestines, her pancreas. God only knows where else and how else mum will be affected. All I can think of is how is she feeling. How is mum taking all this? How is mum feeling deep down, knowing that there may not be much time left? A thought comes to me: what is the point of all these days, these final days when you know where things are headed?

These questions never bothered me, or at least not as much as they do now. I am so afraid that she is afraid and uneasy inside. Those thoughts dominate my mind nowadays, and suppress even my own feelings toward all this. I am confused, broken, lost. Perhaps you have noticed from the very disjointed and incoherent way I've been writing these days.

"Should I head back?" I asked mum yesterday. And I asked the same question to my brother. They both told me to stay. It's not time yet. One day it will be, and I need to prepare for that. But now is not yet the time.

I need to make the most of my time here, time when I am away from it all to recuperate, to gather strength and courage. Because I have a feeling the next time I am back home, it might very well be a longer and more difficult stay.

Departure gate

Same departure gate, different times, different mindset, different reason for flying.

Same person, same little insignificant human being trying to do the best he can with the life he has

18 May

Just noticed the date I marked on my handcarry luggage. It's exactly a year to the day. What has changed?

Mum's health deteriorated rapidly, after so deceiving hints of hope and recovery...
My ex suddenly turned around and said it's over, and till this day I'm still feeling the effects of that day, and still trying to find myself, and someone who will never do something as hurtful...
I struggled with my thesis, am set to graduate, but am also faced with unknown prospects...

And I am still travelling, flying around more or less as much as before, despite promises I made to myself not to...

One year on, and what has happened? Where am I in life, in this world?

I'm still trying to find out, but a little reminder that it's been one year already since last year to the day helps to put things into perspective.

Possibility

I have options, I am free.
Time to liberate myself from the past.

Time to live.

Gone

Things, images, fears cross my mind...
Just now, I saw myself crying at night, alone in my own apartment. Gone, gone, mum is gone...

And that thought, that image, even though it is but a fleeting one and an imagination of what could be, scares me so...

Guidance

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A little guidance from the deities...

"When adverse circumstances come, go with the flow of karma,
Where the bonds of people sparse, the bonds of family are ever present.
In your dreams, why fight between you or I?
Let go of the body and mind, and see the heaven and earth. "

Preparation

Every morning I see them. Patients coming to be picked up in special beds that originate from the operating department on the third floor if TVG. The beds come with special orderlies who wear a purple top, and the patients are covered under a thick light green blanket.

Everyday I see a scene like that, I'm reminded of that day when they came for my mum. An anxious day, an anxious few hours of waiting outside the operating area, hoping and praying. I'm sure with every patient that is about to be wheeled to the third floor is a whole host of people who are going to be anxiously hoping and praying too...

Every time I see this scene, I try to take a good look at the patient and flash them with a smile. Silently, deep inside I wish the patient a successful operation and a speedy recovery. For for many the journey down to the third floor on that special hospital bed and under that thick light green blanket is just the beginning of a long process...

Gay fortunetelling

Taiwan has quite a large and developed gay community. There are various organisations advancing gay and lesbian rights, sexual orientation discrimination is prohibited by the law, the capital city annually hosts the largest pride event in the region, and there is talk of opening marriage for same-sex couples. Apparently there is even a temple dedicated to the deity protecting homosexuals! On the streets, I have occasionally seen couples hold hands openly, and a number of gay celebrities (including a transexual) on tv gives the impression that being gay is not really that shocking. And once, together with a friend, I asked an elderly lady who volunteers at the metro station where a gay-themed book store is located, she did not look shocked but very friendly and kindly told us where to go!

Today, with my friend we explored a bit of one of the gay districts of Taipei, and we went into a store, which we realised only later caters to lesbians (though the things, like clothes and accessories on sell seemed very boyish to me... Well, maybe all the reason why it's a lez shop!) As we were about to leave the store owner told us about a tarot reading service which caters specifically to the gay community.

I've never heard of such a thing, so I was very curious. So I sat down, and wanted to give it a go. The one question that has been bothering me a lot is my relationship (or lack thereof...) with my ex. I have been very troubled and torn by the hard to decipher signals he's been sending me, not least a number of emails he sent me declaring his true feelings and realisations about me being the one he loves, has always loved... And he even went as far as sending a mutual friend (actually the one I was with today...) to fly here to check up on me (though in a way, that's also creepy, for I feel like I'm being spied on on various levels and can't readily talk to any of my friends without news of me getting back to my ex...)

Frankly I'm very lost as to what he feels towards me, really feels towards me, as what he would like from me. Does he want a new start? Or is he just saying all these things because he figures out they are what I would be moved by and they are the way to get me to open up to him again? Is he playing with my feelings, trying to see where I stand while simultaneously having a relationship on the side in case I reject him? I just am so confused...

I randomly picked three cards, each which represent the past, present and future. The lady deciphered that I feel much insecurity with my ex, and this is holding me back from committing again with him (if that is even an option, and if that is even what he still wants...). It's true, after what we have gone through, being told to wait and to have patience while he figures things out has really made me feel like I'm just an option, like I'm a third wheel that is only needed as a replacement in case his pursuit of happiness with another fails. Friends have not hidden their views that, as far as they can understand and see, what he's been doing is terribly selfish of him, but I know I am partly responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in.

Another tarot card shows that I sacrifice too much of myself, give too much just to please the other person, and often wonder in the end what I get from what I give. And it warned me also to be wary of being too gullible to what my ex tells me, for though I can set my heart on something, sometimes what he tells me can uproot my plans and I'll just follow suit just to placate him, while forgoing my own and deepest wishes.

A lot of what she said of me springs from my own inner conflicts, from wounds deep down that have yet to completely heal, things I have yet to face and change. Whoever it is I am with, whether with my ex or someone else, I'll always feel the same if I don't change my perception of things, if I don't resolve inner conflicts and feelings of insecurity. (I knew somewhat, or was perhaps persuades into thinking that what she was hinting at were the dark past I faced...). The teacher said i need to look into my 2nd chakra point, which is out of balance. It's a point which deals with emotions, and which may result in fear of having pleasure, being out of touch with feelings, and also being resistant to change. And there is also something I need to resolve with my mother, she said (which was very alarming when she mentioned this, especially as I'm so tied down by my relationship with her...), and that I need to be able to let go of things, or otherwise I cannot progress and will always be turnoff around in a karmic circle that keeps on repeating itself...

The fortune teller did not say, could not say whether my ex is "the One". Tarot card reading is not like that; it's not like more conventional and local forms of fortunetelling whereby your life and events and even partner can be foretold, the lady explained. Thirty percent, the "unseen" can be foretold by the tarot teacher, but the rest of the seventy percent depends on yourself. She did not say whether my ex and I will have a future or whether we are compatible... We know best how we suit one another or not. Even if he is not compatible, not the one, fundamentally I'll always have the same issues repeat themselves whoever I am with. Insecurity, dependence, overly self sacrificing and feeling not understood enough are my own issues and comes from within me. Even with the "right one" those feelings and insecurities will not go away until I myself make some changes. I need to open up, to let go of the past, and to trust. But of course the other person must make efforts to prove that he is trustworthy, the other person must also be willing to make make changes and compromises so that If we are to start something again, we break from that old, vicious cycle of insecurity and distrust, of being separated and unwilling to let go, and yet tormenting ourselves fearing whether we are letting a wonderful chance of a lifetime just go by.

She read my heart and told me deep down I'm not ready to let go yet, but I'm very afraid to be hurt again, and that I have difficulty in trusting again. She said I deep down want to have contact and no longer ignore his attempts to make contact, but I am just unsure what renewing contact will bring. I fear renewing contact will undo the healing that I have managed to do on my own for three months now. I fear I'll too quickly fall for his words and promises (only he knows whether they are true words and true promises, only he will have to live with his conscience...). But I know deep down this is too good, there is too much there to just let things go without trying again.

"I recommend you renew contact..." was what she wrote on a piece of paper. She can't tell me definitively what will happen, because life and love can change when two people are willing to work to change, work to jump out of the dark past and painful memories. Two people, with compromise and understanding, with letting go of certain things and embracing flaws and faults in one another can make breathe new life into a stalled relationship.

Life is for living

My friend has known me for around six years, and it's funny a lot of the friendly advice he offers me every time he see me is always the same. "Have fun while you're still young," he tells me, go out and meet people.

A part of me is tempted... Tempted by the idea of just going out there and enjoying myself, not thinking too much about what happens. How else are you going to meet people and broaden the circle of friends? How else are you going to find out what it is you really want out of life and in a potential partner, and not be restricted to what you already know?

In many ways I admire my friend and his very open and friendly nature. He can just backpack somewhere and make contact with strangers who become travel buddies and friends within a short time. I've done a fair bot of traveling myself, but much of it solo, and I don't get to meet anyone, let alone befriend anyone...

I know the problem is with me, for I've always been shy and have a hard time beginning to socialise with strangers. Once the barrier is broken, I can be a good friend and care about the person easily and quickly. But finding conversation, even just going up to chat with someone makes me hesitate...

Today was a good example. We were at a bar and having drinks, and these three foreigners came in and sat down behind us. I suspected they spoke a Germanic language, and later I realised it was Dutch. I had the opportunity to just make conversation, in their native language even, but I was afraid for some reason. "What do you have to lose?" my friend told me. Really, what do I have to lose except a few minutes of my life at most. And who knows what I have to gain (perhaps even if things had gone differently, I wouldn't be here right now typing this entry...)

My friend tells me to go live more, have fun, enjoy life. And he's been telling me that since I was twenty one, when I first met him. Not much has changed, at least as far as personality is concerned... I'm still very bashful, I'm still a bit conservative, perhaps even a hopeless romantic, when it comes to relationships and being with "the One". Sure I've had one or two relationship worth mentioning, but the last one ended up in shambles because I took too long to realise what I really had and was for a long time too afraid to commit and go admit to myself I love the person... And look at me now... Single, still dreaming of and longing for someone who seems to have just moved on as soon as I left the country (at least from what I know and hear). And friends laugh at me and ask me why I'm still so caught up in the memories of a short lived relationship with the ex, when he seemed so able to quickly break thins off with me to go after someone else.

Perhaps I should just loosen up, enjoy myself more, and not feel always so conflicted and constricted by my (self imposed) duties and obligations to others. Perhaps really I should just live life, prioritise my own happiness and wellbeing before everything else, because in the end, relying on others for happiness is being too dependent and most likely just ultimately brings disappointment. I mean I've been wanting to go out and meet people, even just for a chat and a coffee, but I haven't done it because I'm just too preoccupied with mum's situation and deteriorating health... I so much long to make new friends here in a "foreign" city where I know no one (besides relatives...), but a part of me thinks pulls me back and is afraid of what may happen... But what am I afraid of? Who am I even obligated to? I'm single, I'm free, I'm free to see whoever I want, do whatever with whomever I wish to... But I don't. I stay home, dreaming meeting the "true one", daydreaming about a life and future that exists only in my fantasies...

Just so silly, just so very typical of my horoscope! Must live life more, have more fun, instead of living in dreams!

Twist in the tale

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"I won't live to see you succeed..." mum said, which attracted a scolding from my aunt.

I looked at mum, and there was an emptiness in her eyes, a blank expression on her face. In her eyes there was a hollow void, filled with regret, perhaps, over things that have not happened yet, over things nobody has any way of knowing how they will happen. I laughed and joked that I will go study hard now and quickly start my career as a successful lawyer! "So you can still see me succeed!"

Though I was laughing and speaking in a light tone, it was not entirely a joke. I know one day, perhaps not tomorrow, perhaps not next year, I will be what I want to be, and I will find a calling in life, and live and work with passion. But right now, my calling is being at mum's side on this difficult journey. Success is not necessarily always measured by the number of years you have worked or the number of degrees you have earned.

I was not here when the doctor visited today and broke the news, so everything that follows is based on second hand information. My aunt (mum's brother's wife) told me that doctor's assessment goes against a bypass surgery to reroute mum's duodenum to the stomach (bypassing the tumour growing there...). It probably won't be effective, for the food may just quickly pass through the body and leave through the intestines before being absorbed. Why go through pain and recovery of a major operation if that may be the outcome?

An alternative may be to surgically insert a feeding tube into the intestines and feed her liquids from now on. The tumour cannot be removed, for it has become advanced and is spreading to even the pancreas, and the large and small intestines (according to my aunt).

I still need to speak to the surgeon myself and hear the diagnosis and proposed plan of treatment from him and his team. But it sounds as if there are basically two choices: to proceed with a procedure and install and feeding tube to minimally sustain mum's life until cancer eventually takes her away, or to just go home and let things be. The ultimate outcome will be the same in any course of action: death. But one may be less torturous (I'm not sure) and less unpredictable (again I'm not sure... Who is ever certain with death?) than the other.

As far as I know, mum's initial reaction to the feeding tube is that it robs her of dignity of life, and she feels ashamed of having something installed in her nostril on a permanent basis... And if she is from now on to be fed through a tube, it is just to sustain her life for a certain period of time, and there is no guarantee that she will have any strength to continue to fight the spread of cancer. What could be a worse form of dying than cancer destroying every single organ in your body and consciously watching everything shut down one by one? Mum's body may be weak, but her mind is still clear and strong, and her pride I feel will be so tortured and her dignity so shamed if she were to rot away and be eaten from the inside by cancer...

And the alternative, of no treatment... Of letting mum "starve" in a way, is that better? How painful is it to starve? What are the complications of going hungry and not getting enough nutrients for the body to work, as she has been experiencing for the last three weeks? Is this "better" and less painful than the pain of cancer eating your body and soul?

I do not know, I simply do not know... I know too little about the medical facts and about the consequences of either courses of action to know what is better or what is best! All I know is I know mum would want the least painful option, one that would not prolong her suffering for much longer, for she is simply too tired, so very, very tired....

And I am getting tired too. Tired of set backs, tired of the unknowns and twists and turns, and so very afraid that I may have to shoulder a great responsibility that of shaping a decision that may heavily affect mum's course of life and cause her unnecessary prolonged pain and suffering...

I am again so very afraid...

Operation Mumories

When I was at the temple today, I saw a portrait of a middle aged lady at the front of an altar. In front of the portrait was an urn, and before the urn was a great offering of food and fruits and paper money.

Momentarily, my eyes played tricks on me and I thought I saw mum in the portrait. When is it my turn to stand there again and hold an incense stick and bow before mum's portrait? How will I be feeling? Who will be with me to comfort me? How grim the thoughts....! but death has been on my mind a lot these days, perhaps too much!

The idea crossed my mind before, and I have at times imagined it, thought about it, and let my imagination run wild as I daydream about it... "It" being mum's final farewell.

I don't want it to be a sad and solemn affair. I want it to be a celebration of mum's life, with pictures and sounds and songs. My brother's mother-in-law and her sisters and I got talking. They know of this lady who passed away (also cancer...) and her funeral was not at all sad. It was very touching, very beautiful and dignified. The children hosted the event, instead of having a ceremony master who did all the talking using a very impersonal and scripted speech (as was the case with my dad...). The lady's funeral was the kind of farewell I have been dreaming of!

I know I can do a good job and put together a very touching "show". I did it with my brother's wedding, and recently I put together a bunch of pictures in a scrapbook to celebrate my ex's life and our relationship together. I know they both touched people, and I hope I can also do the same with mum's memories.

But will people be receptive to it my idea? The lady who passed away actually worked on the project herself with her children, for towards the end she came to embrace death and also knew when it was time she wanted to "go" beautifully and memorably. Would mum be as welcoming of the idea? I am afraid if I mention something like this she may get the wrong idea that I'm plotting her death and planning for her funeral already.

And I'm not sure whether brother and others who have been important in mum's life will warm up to an "unconventional" send off, for I need their support and input if I am going to pull this "show" off.

Just because I like the idea, just because I see my own funeral as a last(ing) opportunity to touch people's hearts and to inspire people with, does not mean everyone else shares that open-mindedness to death and dying...

For now, this idea is still a work in progress I label "Operation Mumories" (yes, there are many operations ongoing, and I seem to be coming up with them to give myself something to do and something to distract from everything else...) . It will be an attempt to capture mum's life and experiences, mum's sacrifices and devotion, mum's love and care and remind people of who she is and why we care and love her.

Whether this crazy idea will one day become realised remains yet to be seen...

Complicity

When you know someone is close, so very close to "fading", and you let the person be, you do not do anything to seek emergency medical attention, are you a murderer or complicit in suicide? Are you respecting the patient's wish, or standing by and fully knowing without medical intervention, the person may very well soon become so weak and just die?

Mum knows fully well her condition is critical at the moment, and that her lifeline is wearing thinner and thinner and that her life is hanging increasingly by a thinning thread. She has the option to go into ER and be admitted into hospital for monitoring pronto. But she chooses to wait till the hospital calls her in for surgery, which can be a week or at least several days from now. Am I "helping" her by respecting her wish, or am I killing her by not actively having her committed into hospital for treatment? 

 She chooses to be at home, in the relative comfort and familiarity of home. This is understandable, as at home, she can lie in her own bed, she can go sit on the balcony and look out the window, she can sit in her comfy chair and put her legs up. But at home there is no medical professional to monitor her life signs and give her IV drips. There is just me, a wannabe-lawyer trying to be a wannabe-carer, trying to muddle through and give her whatever she can drink to stay hydrated and hopefully get some nutrition to sustain her bodily functions. I know fully well what she is drinking, protein shakes (albeit high in many of the recommended daily intake of vital nutrients) and the occasional soup and fruit juice (with glutamine, for extra energy), is not enough to sustain her in the long run. And that there will be a point where her resources become so depleted that she may go into shock, or worse.

But she wants to stay home, she does not want to stay in hospital for an unnecessary period of time. I asked her, and that is her wish, one she explicitly told me. A wish I can only respect, especially after a number of confrontations we have had over the issue over the past three weeks when I have exhaustively tried to persuade her to go into hospital. I reminded her again today if she really does not feel well and feels so very weak, we must check into ER. And she agreed.

Dare I even think it? Dare I even say it out loud, or is my mind going into hyper imaginative mode again? Is she doing something consciously, I wonder? Somehow, my gut is telling me  mum may be choosing an "easier" way "out" by letting her body starve. Easier at least compared to languishing in unbearable pain when at the very end the cancer spreads and spreads and eats away your body bit by bit.

 And in a way, if this is true, I do not seem to be the least bit concerned. In fact, if it is true, I actually tacitly hope for it, if it is really her wish, for her sake, and in a selfish way, for my own and for everyone's sake.

 Is it so terrible, so sinful of me to even have this thought or to even think of this possibility? Is it so cruel of me to keep on thinking and imagining the ways she could "go"? I am not plotting her demise, for I do hope she can get better and travel again, as she has always enjoyed doing. But I think she realises, especially after how the doctors have described her current condition, with the cancer spreading in her spine and in her digestive system, it really is a matter of time for her, only, nobody knows when or how or how painful it will be. And it can take a while, a grueling, and excruciatingly painful while. What is the purpose of living and experiencing so much pain, when she has experienced so much pain and suffering over the past few years already? And what is the point of undergoing a surgical procedure which can only solve your eating for some time and prolong your life when you know very well the quality of that life will be eroded by the cancer spreading, for which there is no cure or treatment, not even to contain the spreading?

I am scared to even have these thoughts, to even know that my mind can think this way. But if I look deep inside my conscience, I only wish her the best, and I only wish that she does not have to go through unnecessary suffering for long. I only  hope that one day, when that day comes, mum can pass away relatively painlessly rather than having her experience so much pain and suffering right up to the very end.