Struggle

Past eleven at night, alone at the office still, trying to study. But it is such a struggle. I read, and I forget. I lack motivation, lack interest, and most of all, lack the concentration to focus on what I am doing. My mind is such a mess, scattered like leaves at the end of Autumn all over the place, and my heart feels like it is balancing  on the edge of breaking down and crying. Crying because I feel so weak, so vulnerable... (I really should stop listening to the radio and to all these songs that mean so much to me...)

It is such a struggle, such a painful struggle to ground myself, to find joy in anything. Such a struggle alone to find meaning or purpose in what I am doing (what AM I doing...?) and not feel like I am useless and wasting my breath and life.

Something has to change. Dramatically. I cannot go on feeling ugly and negative. I cannot go on like this indefinitely.
For I am killing myself, killing my own soul and every single dream and ambition I have ever held...

And it aches to imagine my parents watching over me and seeing me in this completely depressed and unproductive state of being... I imagine they must weep seeing me like this, and yet being unable to hold me, encourage me or show me love however much they would want to...

Dream: at the airport

I had to lie to the US immigration officer that I was going to New York for a few days. I was so scared she'd ask me why I was going and which flight I was taking. But I wasn't taking any flight, I just needed to get inside the terminal building.

She didn't ask which flight, just how long I was staying. "Two days," I said, but I swear my eyes betraying I was lying. I never have been a good liar. She didn't ask anymore, and let me through.

Mum and I had agreed to meet inside the airport terminal for some reason. Where exactly I do not know. Was it gate 53? Or gate 46. Or was it just before baggage claim? I don't remember. I walked from gate to gate looking for her in what looked like a cross between Montreal and Vancouver airports. It was such a bizarre feeling.

But I couldn't find mum at all. She had somehow disappeared....

Sleepless night

More tears, more crying...

It has become almost a nightly affair.
Just tears, flowing incessantly. Tears of fear, tears of caused by such deep hurt and deep deep disappointment and frustrations. Nothing, not even meditation or attempts to drown myself with drink can calm me down... No one, not even my friend's words of encouragements can console me enough to allow me to fall asleep after leaving me for the night.

Please, tears, please stop.

Please stop these painful tears from falling...