Dream: dad...

I've not dreamt of dad in ages. I just saw him, during a nap, and the sight made me cry...

He was sitting at a desk, all by himself, all alone. There was a dim light, and he had a thick jacket on. I approached him, and he looked so changed. His face so thin, his face so glum with sadness.

I asked him what was wrong, but he wouldn't say. Contrary to other dreams, he spoke in this one. I proposed that we go out for a walk, but he didn't want to. He only sat there sad and shaking his head. I've not seen him like this ever, not even when he was alive.

He obviously looked very depressed, very down, but I couldn't help him. I tried to take his hand, but as soon as I reached for his hand, I woke up crying...

Could it be that my own moods and depression is affecting dad? Could it e that he is greatly saddened that I am like this, in this terrible state of mind, and he is appearing to tell me something...?

Dream: on the bus

Earlier I saw a picture of brother and his family in Taiwan. They were together with all my relatives from mum's side, having the annual get together in this lunar new year period. I cried seeing the picture... They all look so happy together, and I'm not there to share the joy of being together as a family... Four generations, grandma, my mum's siblings, their children, and my nephew. All twenty or so of them together in a big picture...

I napped, as I slept only three hours or so last night (terrible sleeping patterns...)
I felt my body shake and move. I was on the bus in downtown Taipei. I saw the familiar surroundings, I recognised the route. It was the route I took everyday (almost) to and from the hospital... I felt the memories come back again... Mum lying in hospital, and me bringing her whatever nourishment I could think of buying or cooking up...

I shook awake. It was all a dream...
My relatives and my family are so far away... They are all a dream...

Dream: treatment

The tiredness after returning from my long trip is exhausting. Terribly exhausting. together with the pills I must continue to take, perhaps causing me to have dreams...

In my dream tonight, I was at the hospital, seeing a doctor. It was not for me, it was for mum. But mum wasn't around, in fact she never appeared in the dream...

The doctor spoke about her condition, and shook his head. He said we need to proceed with treatment. Electrotherapy, or something like that, to kill the cancer.

I remember getting very frustrated and puzzled. Isn't she already dead...?
Why more treatment? How much longer can I take of hospitals and treatment?

I woke up, shaken and disturbed...

At Mahabodhi

Here I am, right here, right now, at the very place where the Buddha himself achieved enlightenment some 2500 years ago.

I cannot hold back the tears or emotions. I have mum and dad's pictures in my hand, and two teddies bears in my backpack. So many pilgrims and monks surround me. It is crowded yet still serene. I'm sitting on floor at the base if the main temple of Mahabodhi...

Mum, dad... I am here... I am alive, I am well. I am pursuing a dream, I am fulfilling a promise I made to mum. Here I am, alone, but not feeling lonely, tearing yet there is a sense of calm and closure.

Mum, dad... I hope you are both well...
People call me an orphan now, but I will be strong, I will be strong and love myself, even if I am by myself now. I will try to be kind and compassionate, I will try to harbour less impure thoughts and hatred and anger... I will try to do more good and see goodness in everyone, in everything.

I will leave a picture of you two here, let you listen to the chanting and prayers, let you experience the spirituality and strong positive energy flowing in this beautiful temple complex and garden...

And I will walk away. Let go and walk away.

Nap

I was exhausted and had to lie down on the office floor to take a nap. Last night was rough, as I lay in bed and struggled to fall asleep.

I saw myself in the dream, I felt emotions overwhelm me. I saw tears burst from my tears.
I woke up and felt the corners of my eyes. Though they were dry, I could have cried, really cried from the deep sense of longing and loneliness inside. What does it take to be loved? What does it feel like to be loved and cared about? To be wanted and desired? To have a special someone I could turn to at times of need?

Perhaps I once had it, perhaps I never really treasured it. But now I am truly lost without it.

Dream: dying again

I saw mum again. She was a limp mass that was barely alive, limp like a corpse.
I saw my brother carry her in his arms, weeping... Mum was dying again.

Dying, dying, dying in my dream....

But she died already, and will never die again. She died. Died... Died in my arms.

That reality, that reality which is more real than any dream or fantasy or image my mind can conjure, could not stop my tears and sobbing.

Dream: ghosts

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They were all over the place, and I was so terrified. I was inside a building with many floors, and on each floor was someone I knew, sleeping. Nobody could see them, but I could. See the ghosts and feel their eery presence. I was seized with such fear, so terrible fear, even though I repeated a few Buddhist mantras to calm my mind and rid my mind of fear and anxiety..... I can feel the fear even now.

Mum appeared out of nowhere. She said nothing. But I know she appeared to tell me not to be afraid...

Dashed dream

It was supposed to be along anticipated dream come true. I was felt so alive yesterday, and that first hour or so I got on the bike today. But truly, the pain is unbearable and unlike any I've experienced before...

I went to a specialist pharmacist and explained my problem. He told me to stop my biking plans and to really rest, or otherwise the injury might get even more severe than it already is, for the more I bike on the more strained my muscles around the knee will be.

Perhaps it is difficult to imagine how devastating this news is to me. I have been really planning this, been looking forward to it, believing and telling myself (and others...) again and again that I can do this. But my body cannot... Simply cannot... My body is too weak and I am too weak to do something like this...

Maybe as my brother said, I biked too far and for too long on the very first day. And this after not having exercised for a long time... But still, the disappointment is great, for I had this entire journey planned out, and was all prepared and imagining the beautiful things I would experience and see. The pharmacist (and also the bike shop owner) told me I should really rest and not over-do it...

This was a dream, a personal dream, and a promise to my mum. In fact, I have a "bit of her" with me, symbolically in the form of ash from the incense we offered her those two weeks from her passing to her cremation. And I feel I've let her down, and let myself down...

I need to rest, I know that. I need to train better and prepare myself better for such a strenuous trip. And I know I may most likely have to give up this dream, at least for the time being... (or for ever? I'm not sure...)

But it hurts and is so devastating... Because I placed so much of my hopes and dreams on this very journey...

Long awaited journey

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I've been thinking about this day for years, and been planning it for months. The dream to bike around the island (or at the very least as far as my legs and energy levels can take me...) is supposed to be a life changing experience, something I need to rediscover the meaning of life and to spend some time on my own. After Mum's passing, this is perhaps as good a time as ever to embark on this long awaited journey.

So I set a date, today, after much of Mum's after-affairs have been dealt with (now we are just waiting for confirmation from her former employee to pay out some of her retirement fund). I probably should have train Ed a bit, or at least biked around the block, for after all, it has been over a month since I last packed away my bike and placed it under Mum's bed to store.

I got the bike out, dusted off the dust, and assembled it together late last night. And eight hours or so later, I was on the bike, beginning my journey.

There were moments I sang to myself. The excitement of hopping on a bike and the freedom that comes with that is so exhilarating and liberating. As I peddled southward (going around the island anti clockwise...), my thoughts drifted to mum, to various moments in the past few months. I saw mum, watching me from afar, goading me on. Before, when I told her about my dream, she told me: "go for it. Go realise your dream." I'm doing this right now, mum!

Feelings of joy were mixed with feelings of loss and pain... Sometimes so strong I could almost feel my tears mix with the almost incessant downpour (terrible weather, but at least it's not too hot...yet.)

I needed this time alone, time to myself to think over events and experiences, or at least let them wash over me and see what impressions are left behind. I need to know I can be strong and determined, and that I can do something so many people when they hear about it say: "That's crazy!" I need to show and prove to myself I can do it, I can exert myself and tire myself and excel.

Of course, there have been various moment during the day when I felt I couldn't make it. My legs and knees ached badly, probably from the lack of exercise and sudden repetitive motion for hours. My body needs time to adjust, not only to the strenuous exercise, but also the humidity and the roar of cargo traffic on very busy interstate roads and exprssways.

Dream: father and mother

All I can remember is me crying with such force and vigour. I saw myself sitting in a room by myself. It was some kind of classroom, and people were coming and going. I remember it was some kind of special occassion, like father's day or mother's day, or some kind of family holiday. Everyone had their parents with them. I was all alone by myself. All alone, and  just sitting there.

Seeing all these people with their parents reminded me of how parentless and 'abandoned' I really am. I buried my face in my arms and began to howl and sob. Nobody came to comfort me. I just sat there and cried, and the crying was so real that when I woke up, I instinctively went to wipe my eyes (but there were no tears).

Haunted

Death, death, signs of death everywhere... Horrible, horrible dream that just woke me up And left me gasping for air, barely screaming...

I kept seeing the urn, mum's urn. It was somewhere in this old, rundown house in some foreign country (Singapore for some bizarre reason...). The priest was performing some kind of ritual, I was present, but so was mum. But whose urn was it if mum was there too?

The urn was half buried in the ground. The priest gestured wildly with his arms and body, he chanted some kind of spell. I was so frightened in the dream, and it was made worse by the fact it was in the middle of the night, and it was pouring with rain.

Another scene: we were inside a house, and I heard mum suddenly scream. I turned to her, and she was holding an underwear. She said the deceased (whoever the person was...) wore the same underwear. I tried to calm mum down, but I broke into tears. A bunch of people rushed over to see what was going on. I was sobbing so heavily, sobbing and crying and in such a terrible state of mind. My mum was on the side, looking shocked and wild eyed and confused. I could not stop crying, and the image of the urn half buried in the ground haunted me so...

Eve of the funeral

I don't know what to write. Tomorrow is the funeral. I feel like I've not had much rest or time to reflect on what mum's death really means. Been busy with my ex here. And every day there are many phone calls and things to arrange. I feel exhausted, and yet at night I cannot sleep. I am afraid to sleep.

Today, while taking a nap in the afternoon, mum appeared in my dream. She wore one of the dresses I picked out for her. She looked alright, healthy and normal at least. I saw myself standing in front of her. I raised my hands and wanted to heal her. But instead, I broke down and cried. I woke up sobbing. Sobbing like I've not done since that night at Niagara Falls. I cried myself awake. It was so painful that my heart hurt so badly. I felt the tears were unstoppable. My ex lay by my side and tried to console me. But I felt so distant, so far away from everyone, everything. I felt such terrible void that it ached my heart so...

Tomorrow is the funeral. I have all the slideshow pictures prepared. I have a stack of notes written by people that are intended to be for mum. I am supposed to say a little something, have been encouraged to do it. Initially, before we started planning for the whole event, before a series of setbacks and people issues, I felt enthused to say something. But yesterday I suddenly became hesitant. I feel so unprepared...

But what is it that I am unprepared for? Unprepared to see mum's body shoved into the oven? Unprepared to see her lying there again? Unprepared for what...?

Dream: ex and his dad

Such a strange dream that left me so tired when I woke up...

I was invited to a sleep over at my ex's place, and his dad was there (strangely not the mum). I was somehow responsible for making a nice meal, which i did. It was some kind of mash (potatoes?) with a lot of fresh greens.

I saw my ex waiting for me in his bedroom, waiting for me to join him for the night. He smiled at me beautifully, and my heart was pounding and swooning...

The next moment I was in a room chatting with his dad. He asked me about what I do for work, and I mentioned I'm taking over a job from a colleague (this is true in real life, or at least I'm waiting for the confirmation to do just that...) My ex's dad knows this colleague for some reason, and he started to complain about him, and at one point began to cry. Why? Because this colleague insulted the Queen and my ex's dad was very hurt by that... (dreams don't really make sense, do they?)

I woke up with such a terrible headache...

Dream: at the airport

I had to lie to the US immigration officer that I was going to New York for a few days. I was so scared she'd ask me why I was going and which flight I was taking. But I wasn't taking any flight, I just needed to get inside the terminal building.

She didn't ask which flight, just how long I was staying. "Two days," I said, but I swear my eyes betraying I was lying. I never have been a good liar. She didn't ask anymore, and let me through.

Mum and I had agreed to meet inside the airport terminal for some reason. Where exactly I do not know. Was it gate 53? Or gate 46. Or was it just before baggage claim? I don't remember. I walked from gate to gate looking for her in what looked like a cross between Montreal and Vancouver airports. It was such a bizarre feeling.

But I couldn't find mum at all. She had somehow disappeared....

Dream

There was a city, it looked like San Francisco, with a beautiful red bridge spanning a broad river. Suddenly a flood came and the entire place was obliterated. There was nothing left but rubble and a rotten stench...

In another segment of the dream, mum looked healthy and well, and we were riding the airport metro (due to be partially completed in 2013...). The train was so fast, and we rode it for so long. I was very excited and took a lot of pictures

Suddenly, we arrived at the station and got off. Three men jumped on me and rubbed me of my iPhone which had all these precious pictures on it. I got very upset, as began kicking them all in the balls. They fell one by one to the ground. One of them I saw was dad...

Nap

Feel so much like (excuse the language...) death. I came home to take a nap, and it turned into a three hour sleep beset by dreams and images.

There were many scenes. In one, I saw lying in bed very fearfully and telling me that she saw dog- and cat-headed human beings come to get her. These persons with animal heads are in local mythology guardians of the underworld. On occasion, on the brink of death, the one who is about to leave this world can see these creatures. Are they real or imaginary, who knows. But in the dream, mum saw them...

The nurse told me once when the patient sees something frightening, to reassure the patient that those things are mere illusions, and that we are by her side. So in the dream that is what we (brother and I) did...

Even so, in the dream I felt such uncontrollably tears and sadness I have not yet felt before... I saw myself crying, crying so terribly heavily by mum's side; something I had tried and tried to avoid till now.

What is wrong with me that I have been beset by dreams these couple of days...?

Something is going to happen soon. I can sense it.

Gaspé

When mum visited Canada last year, I Wanted to take her to the Gaspé Peninsula. But we did not have enough time. Her five weeks were too short!

In the dream, I was booking tickets. Vividly, I browsed the railway company's website for the journey to Gaspé, so we could wake up and see the sunrise on the train, like we did on our way to Halifax. On the way back, I planned to book a flight. In the dream, I found a "cheap" deal, flying through some unknown places for around ice hundred dollars per person...

That was the dream... Is it another sign of a place must visit after everything is over...?

Betrayed

I was looking for my ex (in the dream, he was my boyfriend again...). Searching high and low for him in a crowded building. I was smiling because I thought he was playing hide and seek with me.

We were about to go to a party together, so I needed to find him so we can go together. I walked up some stairs and came to a library of sorts. I had a feeling he was in there, so I quietly sneaked in.

I heard his voice, talking softly in French. Soft Sweet talking in French. I followed hid voice and searched through the aisles of books. I saw him, and he saw me. On his face was the expression of being caught red handed. I immediately understood he was calling his ex. He had been lying to me, pretending that things are over with the other guy, when clandestinely they're still in touch. I immediately cried...

I ran out of the library, my heart shattering like never before. He shouted: "I can explain!!"

I jumped off a flight of stairs...

Vegetable

What a dream... Horrible dream...

They did something to mum, opened up her brain or administered some kind of drug.

"Mama? Mama? MAMA?!" I called out. She sat in a wheelchair in an abandoned square and did not respond. She stared at me with crossed eyes. She was lost in her own world. She was a vegetable...

I cried calling mum, again and again...
She did not respond.

Dragon Boat Festival

I woke up from a dream, I woke up tired and agitated from a dream I cannot remember. I woke up to the sound of mum gagging an choking, and the sound of a plastic bag rustling.

Mum looks particularly unwell today, and there are dark shadows around her eyes. She has no appetite, and the vomit just came out of nowhere. The last thing she ate/drank was a mouthful of Ensure. And that was over ten hours ago...

"Open the curtains..." she said weakly. It seemed like a strange request, but I did as she asked of me. Outside the sky was dawning, a brand new day is dawning.

When I turned around to look at her and take her by the hand, she had closed her eyes and fallen asleep...