Call to the bar

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The hall began to fill with family and friends of hundred or so lawyers-to-be. The atmosphere was joyous, and I sat next to a friend and my ex's parents, who had ventured all the way from Europe, braving the bitter cold, to be present at their son's call to the bar ceremony.

I searched the mezzanine below us for my ex, and found him. I smiled when I saw the back of his head, even though he did not see me. Smiled at the thought he finally made it, pulled through all those late nights of studying and long hard days at work as a law student... And all those around him, everyone shares a similar story, shares the ambition of one day being able to officially call themselves "solicitor" or "barrister". Getting up at 430 in the morning, having slept only four hours or so max, was worth this moment. Bringing a smile and making little surprises is what I seem to do well, and I managed to pull another off.

The ceremony slept began as the organ played a moving classical piece. My friend's mum teared. She said she felt very emotional, especially as it was the anniversary of her own mother's passing. I wanted to do something, perhaps put my hand on her shoulder, but felt perhaps it was a bit too much. But having recently lost someone dear, I felt I should have said or done more to show that "you're not alone". All I could offer her was my smile of sympathy, and I hope she saw in my eyes what I wanted say.

One by one, names were called out and one by one all went on stage. People from all backgrounds, of all ages. Most inspiring was a guy in a wheelchair, who from a distance looked like he had some kind of motorneurone disorder. Yet he did it, he studied hard, he went through ten grueling months of articling, and he deserved so much to go on that stage and claim his certificates. He deserved so much the loud and long rounds of applause from across the hall. If he could do it, why can't I? Why can't I...?

I sat there and watched and waited for my friend to go on stage. I clapped louder an more vehemently than before, smile and hoped he would look our way, look to see how we all came and how we are so proud of him. Later I hugged him and congratulated him several times, reminded him of how fortunate he is to be surrounded by loved ones.

Without wanting to steal the show, as I sat there, I felt the reasons why it was difficult for me, and why it took courage to attend this ceremony, even though I wanted so much to bring a smile to my friend's face and make it a memorable event.

It's the familiarity of it all. Last time I sat in such an auditorium and on such an occasion was my own graduation, only eight months or so ago. And how heavy my heart was, how terribly, terribly sad my face and composure looked on pictures I never shared with any one. And today, here I was, sitting there, though for someone else, yet trying hard to suppress the tears, trying hard not to think of that day (if it ever comes, when I complete my bar...) when I am sitting there in the crowd waiting to be called to the bar. Where would mum and dad be? Who would come attend and cheer me on? Who would come hug me, kiss me, bring me flowers and remind me of what I have just accomplished and what a feat it has all been? Oh, how my ached even though a part of me tried to be strong and tried hard to maintain a smile for others to see.

I may have been dressed elegantly, I may have looked confident and smiley, but deep down inside I cracking up.

Cleansing

I have moments when I saw myself from afar: eyes tired from lack of sleep, my face heavy with thoughts and worries, my body weak and slouching from fatigue and longing... Yes, I am exhausted, smiling still because I always manage to, but mentally and physically drained and frustrated.

Who could I turn to and talk about this without feeling like I'm burdening the person? My ex, my former confidante and rock who has been around for so long, seems to be caught in his own fatigue and emotional issues that these days feel i have much difficulty in talking to him. Other than the nagging and unanswered questions of whether he still care and whether he really wants to listen to me lament about how I'm feeling after long hard days at work, I know myself to be truly strong, and to truly get to the bottom of my problems, I must turn to myself for help.

I am trying. Trying I really am to take time out to travel. Or at least that is the plan. I've been wanting to go to India for a while now, and I remember so many moments when mum slowly declined, I said to myself, and on occasion to her, I'll go to India one day when all is over.

And now all is over, and I should live up to my promise-- to myself to and to mum.

But plans change, and nothing ever goes according to plan. Despite having booked a ticket almost a month ago, increasingly I've encountered obstacles on my way to leave... Visa problems, time issues, work still to be done, preparations I should do for a trip into an unknown land that does not have a reputation for being safe or hygienic...I've had to cancel my tickets today because first of all, the notices the price I paid is exorbitant compared to how much I only have to pay now, barely two weeks before my intended departure. And it may have been worth it if I were flying on the latest Dreamliner for part of my journey... But even that is not happening because of delays in delivery the new plane...
So after weeks of wrangling, searching and finally sitting down to buy a ticket, I'll need to start all over again...

I am frustrated, feeling pressed for time, feeling pressure from work, and generally feeling like a failure because things are not as simple and as easy as I thought or planned. Why is it that other people can just book a flight and just depart so easily, whereas I'm wondering about the ifs and whens or hows?

Well, all I can say is life is always changing, and I am experiencing it fully, whether I like it or not...

N

Gaspé

When mum visited Canada last year, I Wanted to take her to the Gaspé Peninsula. But we did not have enough time. Her five weeks were too short!

In the dream, I was booking tickets. Vividly, I browsed the railway company's website for the journey to Gaspé, so we could wake up and see the sunrise on the train, like we did on our way to Halifax. On the way back, I planned to book a flight. In the dream, I found a "cheap" deal, flying through some unknown places for around ice hundred dollars per person...

That was the dream... Is it another sign of a place must visit after everything is over...?

Where there is a will...

There is a wei.

A few weeks ago an idea popped into my head. I remember I was in the hospital, with mum, who lay there asleep. My mind drifted to images of someone, who throughout my difficult moments, and moments of pain and despair seems to have the ability to lift me up-- even if we have not talked for a long, long time. In my moments of despair, hopelessness, my mind somehow, wrongly or rightly, drifts to my ex...

I fantasised about us meeting again, how special that would be after all this time. Even more special after he told me, explicitly and implicitly, how much he misses me, how important I seem to be in his life.

He once told me about a dream of his, and that is to walk on the Brooklyn Bridge with the person he truly loves. My mind put that knowledge with the longing to see him again in a special setting. So I wrote him a card, told him where I'd be and when, and said if he truly feels what he tells me, perhaps we could meet there on Brooklyn Bridge.

It seemed like a simple plan. A beautiful and wonderfully romantic idea. Two people, who obviously have feelings for one another, who obviously miss one another so much, and who know deep down there is still some potential in developing something special and something lasting, meeting at a most romantic setting at a most romantic time (dusk). "Perhaps it could be a new dawn..." I wrote him.

At first he told me he'd like to be there, he can be there. This was a week ago. I fantasised about our meeting. I dreamed and smiled just at the thought of seeing him again on the bridge that is so meaningful to him.

A few days ago he wrote me and said the timing is bad, for he needs to arrange to move things out of his old apartment. I was disappointed, yet I still clung onto hope of perhaps being able to see him...

Now, right now, the original plan is supposed to fall into place. At this very moment, at dusk, on Brooklyn Bridge, on the Brooklyn side. In my fantasies, I would stand on the bridge, stare out at the skyline of Manhattan. And suddenly out of nowhere he would find me and call out my name... We would look into one another's eyes, we would hug. I would kiss him. I would whisper softly in his ears: "I've missed you so much..."

But now, at this very moment, I am in a small-town in NJ. He is in Montreal (I believe). He told me there are no available flights. Hotels are prohibitively expensive (I agree). He tells me he is very apologetic he cannot be (t)here with me. And he offers me other places and opportunities to meet. But I am not interested.

How disappointed I truly am. All those moments I imagined him being my source of comfort and support, and now it's just a great letdown. I cannot and should not be too harsh on him. I cannot know how tired my ex is from his work and having to deal with the stress of moving over the weekend. I cannot imagine what he is thinking, what he is truly feeling, and whether he truly means what he says.

But where there is a will, there is a Wei, right? What would you do to prove to someone how much they mean to you? What extremes would you go to to show sincerity in your word and what you really mean when you tell someone you love him and have always loved him? I know what I would do. I know I would find a way, journey through the night if I must. Just spend an hour with that special someone, if it comes to that. But I would be there. I would seize the chance I have been given again, and prove I am true to my word, true to my heart...

I am here, in NJ. I will be in NYC tomorrow, on the bridge in the afternoon (2-4) just before my flight in the evening.

Even if I am alone, I owe it to myself to fulfil my dream of standing on the bridge and admiring the manhattan skyline. Even if alone, I can dream of one day standing there with the one true person who loves me , who would go the extremes and lengths to show his care and love for me. Even if I am alone, I can do something terribly romantic and beautiful too. (well, I won't be alone, for my stuffed animals would be with me...)

18 May

Just noticed the date I marked on my handcarry luggage. It's exactly a year to the day. What has changed?

Mum's health deteriorated rapidly, after so deceiving hints of hope and recovery...
My ex suddenly turned around and said it's over, and till this day I'm still feeling the effects of that day, and still trying to find myself, and someone who will never do something as hurtful...
I struggled with my thesis, am set to graduate, but am also faced with unknown prospects...

And I am still travelling, flying around more or less as much as before, despite promises I made to myself not to...

One year on, and what has happened? Where am I in life, in this world?

I'm still trying to find out, but a little reminder that it's been one year already since last year to the day helps to put things into perspective.

Time with relatives

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Woke up very early today, and went to visit my grandma (mum's side of the family). It's again my ritual, to pay visits to as many people one either side of the family as possible. I chatted with her a while before I headed over to my aunt's (dad's older sister). Before leaving, I prayed before my grandpa's (mum's dad) altar, and asked him to protest my mother...

We chatted some more, together with my cousin, about my late uncle. Death leads people to reminisce and long for the past, long for the things were. Death also reminds people of those who have gone before, even those long gone, for as we spoke about my uncle's final days, we also spoke about dad and his finals days and moments. I listened and listened. At times it got too much and was difficult to bear. But for my aunt, and my cousin, whose experience of death is much fresher and rawer, speaking about those who have gone triggered inevitable tears.

My aunt recalled the day of the funeral, and how it poured with heavy, heavy rain. A relative came, crying, and held my aunt's hands. "The heavens are weeping. Why is it that the good people go so quickly...?" My aunt said she too started crying. As she recounted the story, her eyes became moist and red again.

It was hard but at the same time also very touching to sit with my relatives and share memories of loved ones, and share our experiences of caretaking and coping with cancer. I felt such sympathy for their loss, and kept telling my aunt that she has done the best she can. "It must have been very hard and hard work for you..." It may all sound so condescending, but it's not meant that way. For I know very well how hard and how much of a hard work it is to live life with your moods pinned to the random swings your loved one's health between good and bad, and worse and hopelessness. The waiting, and the unknown is the most strenuous and arduous of all. And there is the uncertainty of how it will all end coupled with the constant fear of one moment when you suddenly let your guard down or temporarily take a break you might miss the final moment you've been waiting for, you've been dreading... Yes, we are not merely relatives who have lost someone dear. We are also fellow caretakers with a lot to share and talk about on this long and emotionally difficult road..

"Auntie, please take good care of yourself. It's been a hard time for you..." I said and patted my aunt on her shoulder. She's a small lady, with greying hair, and as she aged and grew wrinklier, I saw the reflection of my dear grandma, and saw reflections of my childhood summers in the countryside. How I have grown how people have aged and changed, and passed away... It's all part of growing up, of dealing with life, and death.

I headed to the high speed rail station and caught a train within a minute of it departing. I sat down, and as the train picked up speed the scenery outside began to blur.

Perhaps this is the way life looks at the end... A blurred vision fast forward, with glimpses of deep impressions that remain clearly etched on the mind.

As the world blurred outside, I drifted inwards, drifted and drifted off to sleep and to a world beyond thoughts, beyond words...

In Chiayi

04052012.0304

Arrived in the late afternoon, and first stop was my aunt's place. She (dad's older sister) was surprised, but happy to see me, for it's been a while since we last really connected and talked. Last time I saw her, earlier on Monday, I did not say goodbye, but quietly left after the farewell ceremony. It's part of tradition here: you don't say goodbye or keep the guests for longer than necessary. You just leave.

We caught up on news, and my aunt revealed how in the last month or so of my uncle's life, she was constantly in hospital, afraid to even go home. He weighed 46kg (or so) when he passed away. Before, he was a strong man who stood almost as tall as me...

"He told me he wanted to see the grandchildren grow up..." she said, after I showed her pictures of my nephew and said what happiness children bring to a patient's life. Children give them smiles, hope, and positive energy. Her eyes became red and moist.

I left a little later to visit my uncle (dad's youngest brother). A bachelor still at 62, he's the oddball of the family. I spend a lot of time with him whenever I am in my parents' hometown, because he's by himself, but also because he likes to bike around like I do. We took our usual route, to visit my grandma's resting, and later went to the old folks' community centre for a session of karaoke. I can't sing for my life, but as it was just me and him, I sang- at times mockingly and with a funny taiwanese accent, at times with soul and feelings, especially songs about love and longings for an illusive partner.

I am spending the night at my mum's youngest sister's place, the one who over the past few years has periodically gone up to taipei to be with my mum whenever she needs help around the house. She was a great relief over the past few months, and without her I would have not gotten the few hours of solitude and time to go home go shower and rest.

My aunt and I chatted, mostly about mum. Earlier, when I spoke to mum she said the doctor told she can be discharged as early as tomorrow. But she is worried to go home, for who will take care of her? She can barely walk a few steps, let alone clean herself well or cook for herself. Who will take care of her and look after her needs, something she took for granted at the hospital for she had access to a 24hr carer? I'm leaving in three days, I can no longer be around and keep a constant ear and eye out for mum's well being. And Brother certainly is not up to the task, as well intentioned as he may be. As for my sister-in-law... Well, she's just very distant and handsoff, and she has her hands full with taking care of my nephew...

My aunt said she will go up in a few days, and told me not to worry too much. "Go back and co concentrate on your exam. Your uncles and aunts will take care of things here..."

I don't know what will happen, but my aunt mentioned that around two weeks ago, mum expressed interest to come back down south back to her hometown, where most of her siblings are, so she can have people to look out for her and take care of her in this crucial period of recovery. Mum never mentioned this to me, but if she is willing, if she really means what she said to my aunt, then it may be a good idea, for she needs all the family support and help she can get, and tree is no better place than back here in Chiayi, where all her closest family members are. But mum has a thing with being picky, and being difficult when it comes to asking for help... Maybe she said things back then for the sake of it, because she really never mentioned any of this to me.

Rain...

I waited and waited for a time to take my bike out. Waited and waited for my brother and his family to come home, so I could leave mum at the hospital with relative ease.

Tomorrow, I had planned to do the furthest trip I've yet to make on the bike, to Jinshan, to dad's resting place and pay homage to him before I leave.

But it began to pour today, heavily. Beginning of the rain season, which will last for over a week...

Nothing is going according to plan. All my plans are soaked...

Plan

Where do I get these crazy ideas?

Perhaps it's my way of escaping, of getting far, far away from reality by clinging onto some fantasy in my head that is comforting and familiar. And the idea involves my ex, who I tend to think about, especially in my darkest moments of despair, in my most testing moments of loneliness and desperation, without even intending...

Will it work out?
Is it too insane?
I have to get the 'balls' rolling and see how he will respond. Because how he responds will be a true test of whether he means what he says to me. Whether he will agree to meet me at a certain time or place will be real proof of how far he is willing to go to meet me...

Plans

I felt so terribly tired and drained today, and I have this terrible paranoia that I'm falling ill. It's not helped by the fact that I repeatedly tell my brother, who's still sniffing away and sometimes sneezing, to put on a mask and he does not listen. Over lunch, he accidentally sneezed, and I could feel vapours lands on my hand, and I'm sure into my food...

Normally I'd head back to hospital at around seven in the evening, but today I was just too tired, too lazy, so I let my brother go, and said I'd go by later and sleep there. I don't know what got into me, but I just felt so very tired and could not pry myself out of bed and study as I planned to, but instead was just lounging around and watching reruns of a comedy online.

I arrived at the hospital at close to nine thirty. mum and my brother and I talked a bit. He asked how my studying is going, and I admitted it's been terribly slow, and that I'm very tired. It was the mum mentioned my plan to head back to Canada soon in order to study, really focus on studying.

"Go book your ticket already! Why are you still waiting?!" he said.

I'm still waiting because I'm so uncertain what mum's condition is, and I seem to be waiting for a sign that she's be ok. That sign would be when she gets discharged from hospital, then at least I'll have some ease of mind.

"Just go and book your flights..." mum joined in brother's advice, "It'll make me happy to see you go after your own plans..."

Was she just saying it, or did she really mean it. Moments later, when brother was not around any more, and as I massaged her arms and legs with lotion (they are terribly dry from the aircon and also bad nutrition...) she told me to stop treating her like this. "I'll be so sad when you're not here..."

Mum deep down wants me to go and do my own things. She even said that she hopes the position I applied for two weeks ago will have a positive response, for she would be so proud to see me work and make some income. But I know she will hurt when I leave. I know I will hurt when I leave... We have gone through so much over the past (almost...) four months. And thinking back at what I try to do to make her feel comfortable and loved,
I know I will be so sad and that it'll be so hard to "let go" when I leave... It'll be so hard after all the effort and time I've spent trying to get mum better and on her own feet again...

"I'm here now, so go and do what you have to do!" brother urged again, "If you want to go travel a bit, go now. I'll be here with mum..."

I must learn to let go, to let others take over. I must not think only I am able to do things, only I am able to make mum feel comfortable and cared for. I must give brother (and my sister-in-law) a chance to be mum's children, a chance to demonstrate that they too care about her. As much as I'm unwilling, I must learn to let go, learn to leave and not feel guilty or like I'm forsaking my mother...

So I booked my flight, and perhaps as soon as the day after it is my hope to be on my long-awaited road trip.

Life planning

A provocative campaign to raise awareness
for colorectal cancer.

The question been on my mind for some time. What are  alternatives are there if one were to opt to stop all treatment? I know what the likely consequences of that will be, but what does that mean in practical terms? What does that mean at the "end of the road"?

I saw the words "HOPE" on an billboard at a metro station some weeks back. It was an ad for a charitable foundation specialised in providing support and aid for cancer patients and their families. So I looked up the address, and used the time alone to pay the charity a visit.

It was a little office in a residential area, located in an obscure side street. And yet, on the door, in big colourful letters "Little  Station of Hope". The organisation has existed since 1982, and was formed by a number of doctors and nurses who wanted to create a body to provide cancer patients and their families exactly what the name says: hope. Hope in terms of offering medical advice, organising gatherings and courses, offering counseling and financial support for those in need. There are even books and wigs you can borrow if you need to.

When I entered, it was very busy, for a class just ended. I stood by the door for a little while before a lady came up to me and asked what I was interested in. She was extremely friendly and listened to me describe mum's condition and treatments over the last six years. Surgery to remove a Stage III tumour on the colon in 22006, relapse in 2008 and annual chemotherapy ever since. I had pictures of mum's medical report stored on my phone, so I listed the drugs mum has used or taken. 

"Four years already? She's done chemotherapy for four years?" There was disbelief in her voice. And from her expression I could see she finally understood why mum (and I, or perhaps I most of all?) are considering to just "let things be". "Oh, she really has used all the possible drugs there are..."

And I reminded her that mum also did radiotherapy last year, and underwent a major surgery a month and a half ago. And just today, she completed four sessions of cyberknife treatment. What else is there that she has not tried? And the cancer keeps returning, keeps popping up in other areas... So brave, so very brave is my dear mother... I could burst into tears at the mere thought of how much she underwent in the past couple of years, and how long I have accompanied her on this journey. I held back...

The nurse-volunteer explained to me the possibilities, and that at this stage it is too early to say in detail what kind of care mum would need. Frankly, we are not there yet, despite mum's worsening sores and continually weak health. But of course it is always good to think ahead, to plan ahead. To plan for life (and, yes, plan for dying and death...).

"Palliative care" is an option if you don't want to continue any form of treatment. In line with what I have been thinking, it doesn't mean giving up. It just means that the patient stops receiving treatment for cancer and just "let things be". The focus will then to alleviate pain and ensure the patient is as comfortable  as possible, till the very end You still have to go to the hospital every two months or so to followup on developments. If there are symptoms, or any worsening of the illness, the doctor can prescribe ways to reduce or alleviate the pain.

Four celebrities, joined by members of the public,
are doing a 21-day run around the island to raise awareness for ovarian cancer.

"It may be possible the cancer will spread to her stomach, damage her digestive system, infiltrate the kidneys..." the care worker explained. By that point, feeding regimes will have to be established, and also we will have to think about ways to get rid of any bodily wastes. By that point, at the very end, mum will definitely need constant care and need someone to be by her side all the time to attend to her needs. Much like the first weeks immediately after her surgery. All this can be done at the hospital, or at home, where a healthcare worker can visit regularly to ensure a comfortable and dignified end. Should things come to that, details will have to be talked through with the doctor and healthcare workers.

The way she described possible outcomes of not proceeding with treatment sounded daunting, bleak and frankly painful. But is not the alternative, of being in the hospital day in and day out, of being so physically and mentally eroded by chemicals and medicine, really a better option? I will have to return another day and bring mum to talk about all of this. For it is her life, and she must understand and get to fully know what the possibilities are.

"For now, just do as you have always done," the nurse-volunteer said. Be like normal people, do things you enjoy, travel. There is no reason not to. There really is no reason not to.

"Have you thought about what your plans are?" she asked.

I was taken aback by her question, for I went to the charity with mum's condition in mind, and had not really thought me or my plans would be brought up. I told her my life over the past few years, all the traveling, all those restless, and at times sleepless, nights. I told her my fears of committing to anything, whether it's a career or in my personal life. She listened quietly and nodded. She understood.

"Often what a parent wants is not for you to give up everything because she is ill..." she said, "Of course cancer can affect family members and future plans, but have you thought about perhaps your mum would be happier and can "go" easier if you were more settled?"

I did. All of this I did think about. I know, and I can see that my presence over the long run can cause her much grief, much pressure-- to the extent that she has even told me before she would want to "go" (ie die) quicker so I can go off and start living, instead of hanging around her and taking care of her. But there is always this fear.... this incessant fear that if I go off and pursue my dreams and my happiness, I may miss that day she...

"Sounds like there are no regrets between you and your mother," she said calmly, "There does not necessarily need to be a conflict between being there for your mother and doing what you want in life." How many people like my mum and me has she come across throughout her career and her time at the charity? The feelings of care, of love and fears of losing a dear, dear one is universal. "If there are no regrets, then that does not mean you are abandoning her. You can still give her moral support, talk to her often, encourage her. I am sure you will be there at that crucial end..."

I sure hope I will be, I can be... I so much do hope so... But that is not for me to decide, for I cannot influence fate, I cannot influence the way or speed at which mum's cancer chooses to grow or spread... I cannot influence, let alone control, the unknown future.

All I can do is find mum a network of support she can turn to other than me, for I am not a medical expert, nor am I someone who can fully relate to what it feels like, what it really feels like, to be a cancer patient. All I can do is show her there are other options than face  treatment after treatment.

And this is what I am trying to do. Trying to do.

In Toronto now...

Terrible night of sleep last night, with lots of images and dreams. I slept not on the bed, but right next to the window in the living room. I don't know I needed to do that... I guess I wanted to look at the night sky.

It began to pour, and the sound of the raindrops was soothing.

Then the images came to me... Flying in the air, images of Toronto, of sitting in an exam room... Of seeing my ex again.

I am supposed to be in toronto right now, at this very moment, nervously preparing to sit exams.

But I am here, ready to go on a hospital run.

Plan

Plan

Again my mind is hatching a plan, a devious but special one. Soon it'll be the one year wedding anniversary of my brother and sister-in-law. And I'd like to give them something very special.

They've not really had a honeymoon since they got married because of circumstances. So what better gift than a trip?

Eva Air recently unveiled its second generation of Hello Kitty jets with flights to Japan (and to South Korea, Hong Kong and  Guam). As my sister-in-law is a diehard Hello Kitty fan, and my brother has never been to tokyo, I thought it would be great anniversary gift. So I approached my sister-in-law's brother (whom I suspect is a homosexual...) and proposed the idea. He thought it is great and we'll figure something out with regard to the logistics, especially how to keep it a surprise and how to arrange for a baby-sitter for a few days...




I'm surprised I can even think of this kind of pleasant surprises with what I am facing almost constantly at the hospital. Or perhaps it is because of the difficulties and unpleasantness of what I am facing that I am devising 'pleasant' things to distract my mine...?

I'm imagining their surprise when they are handed the plane tickets... I'm imagining my sister-in-lwa's excitement as she boards the exclusive Hello Kitty plane (all the decor, the seats, the personal entertainment system, the plates an cutlery are all marked with Hello Kitty!!)... I'm imagining them having some quality alone and relief time together, perhaps the first real opportunity since my nephew was born...

Another mission to be completed, another pleasant surprise to spring upon someone close. How great if it all works out!

Change

We cook separate meals and eat at separate times. I used to cook for everyone, do the shopping and make sure there is enough food in the fridge. But why? I realise that is just foolish, because the other two who live with me don't care. So I stopped cooking, stopped doing any housework except clean up after myself, and started coming home just to have dinner and sleep, before I head out the next day. True, like my brother lamented once, I treat this place like a hotel. A hotel he seems to own and run. So more reason for me to treat it as such: a place I don't care much about, because it's occupied by him and his girlfriend, even though they should have long moved out.

And now there seems there will be some changes soon. My mum called my brother and told him (for the nth time) to move out. And this time it seems he'll actually do just that, because my mum wants to come to Europe and stay for a while to have some rest and take it easy. Just a week or so ago she started having complications with her bowels.... and it was where she was operated on to remove a cancerous section... When she was here back in September, I had encouraged her to take a break from her work, and now it seems she'll be doing that.

I guess there are a number of reasons. One is to make sure my brother moves out and stays out, and the other is for my mum to spend some time with me.... because frankly, she still can.

I've set in motion a number of things that will ultimately mean that the chances are high I'll be moving overseas very soon. This means, after almost 15 years of living in Europe, my time has come to an end here. Time to go somewhere else, more promising, and more accepting of people with a different skin colour. Europe has declined in the last few years, disappointingly become somewhat intolerant and xenophobic, and thereby with its decline taken away any of my plans of staying here. Shame, because I like the living environment, and every one that I know and have come to care about and love are here... but I just don't see a future here for me for some reason. So, time to move on to the next best alternative.

I don't want to 'jinx' anything, so I won't mention any details. A lot still depends on my applications for a study and also applications for a fully-paid scholarship... I sent all that out a few days ago, and as I was standing at the post office, and watching the documents being sent, I felt like that (could have been) was a life-changing moment... like it was my ticket out of this life and onto a freer and happier life elsewhere, away from the miseries with my brother, away from feeling like a 'stranger' a lot of the time even though I grew up living in this country.

We'll see. Whatever will be, will be.

"Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen,
Tod und Verzweiflung flammet um mich her!
Fühlt nicht durch dich Sarastro Todesschmerzen,
So bist du meine Tochter nimmermehr.
Verstossen sei auf ewig,
Verlassen sei auf ewig,
Zertrümmert sei'n auf ewig
Alle Bande der Natur
Wenn nicht durch dich Sarastro wird erblassen!
Hört, Rachegötter, hört der Mutter Schwur!"

The vengeance of Hell boils in my heart,
Death and despair flame around me!
If Sarastro does not through you feel the pain of death,
Then you will be my daughter nevermore.
Disowned may you be forever,
Abandoned may you be forever,
Destroyed be forever
All the bonds of nature,
If not through you Sarastro becomes pale! (as death)
Hear, Gods of Revenge, hear a mother's oath!

No word spoken

I have been home already four days, but not a word was spoken with my so-called housemates. I know they are home, they know I am home, but we seem to pretend that the other is not home. If one hears the door open, the other does not go out of the room until the other is out of sight. I can hear where they are, and when I do, I do not go out of my room. If they are in the kitchen, I simply cook an hour later. Home sweet home.

As I came home from swimming this evening at around half past eight, I saw a silhouette walk in the same direction as my house. I cycled closer, and realised it was the hunched back of my brother, who looked tired and beaten. I got home first, and left the door open. Moments later he came through the door. I greeted him, and spoke to him. He just stood there, stared at me as if I were the most vile creature in the world, and said nothing.

I chuckled deep inside, and turned to walk up the stairs... how petty! How disgustingly petty and childish! I have not seen him for two weeks during Christmas and New Years, and he looks at me as if I am some sort of viscious criminal trespassing in his house.

But believe you me, I live here, I pay the mortgage, and I have more right to be living in this house than he with his precious little girlfriend. Of all the many ways I have helped him, helped them when they needed my help, this is the way they treat me... I could easily kick them out, I could easily make them homeless and force them to find a place of their own, which they should have done years ago, but I tolerate their presence, and let them enjoy the luxury of the house and let them occupy the whole house as if it were their own. And so ungrateful, so loathing of my parents just because my parents told them a few months ago to go find a place of their own. They are the occupiers, but this is the kind of treatment I get... to be treated as if I am the unwelcome occupant who should not be there to ruin their wonderful petty little lives. They do not know what is coming for them. And they have been warned.

Anyways, in the past few days I have set in motion a number of things that will perhaps fundamentally change my life. Finally, after all this time of pondering and wondering, I managed to fill in my application to study another degree this coming September. There were more than ten pages of application forms to be filled in, and a number of motivations to be written.I had been procrastinating and putting the task off, but somehow after I came back from my holidays, I felt such a sudden urge to write the application.

And now it is done! Not only that, I am also applying for scholarships, which will hopefully, hopefully, hopefully be able to cover all my expenses of studying and living. It will be a real adventure if all my plans go through, and I will be able to get a new start to life in another country, and get away from petty little things and people like my brother.

As I was filling in the application forms, I was feeling really giddy and happy with myself. If there is one thing I can do, it is write, and I somehow have a way to write motivation statements that even flatter me. The crisp language, the clear choice of words, the subtle rhyming and smartly structured sentences... I get such a kick out of writing it!

Now, let's hope that whoever will be reading it and assessing my application will be just as, if not even more, impressed as I am.

Job x3

What's wrong with me?!

Within the last three weeks or so I got three job offers!
First, at the university where I'm already working... then at the criminal tribunal for the former Yugoslavia... and now, totally unexpected and out of nowhere, another offer to work as an intern for the Charles Taylor defence team!!!

What to do? What to do?
What to choose? What to choose?

Slow take-over

[...] whether it be better to be loved than feared or feared than loved? It may be answered that one should wish to be both, but, because it is difficult to unite them in one person, is much safer to be feared than loved, when, of the two, either must be dispensed with. Because this is to be asserted in general of men, that they are ungrateful, fickle, false, cowardly, covetous, and as long as you succeed they are yours entirely; they will offer you their blood, property, life and children, as is said above, when the need is far distant; but when it approaches they turn against you. And that prince who, relying entirely on their promises, has neglected other precautions, is ruined; because friendships that are obtained by payments, and not by greatness or nobility of mind, may indeed be earned, but they are not secured, and in time of need cannot be relied upon; and men have less scruple in offending one who is beloved than one who is feared, for love is preserved by the link of obligation which, owing to the baseness of men, is broken at every opportunity for their advantage; but fear preserves you by a dread of punishment which never fails.
'The Prince', Michiavelli

Shiveringly scary...! But imagine if I were somehow to become some kind of power-hungry and people-manipulating person who would do anything to get his hands on influence and respect!! It would go against everything I believe in, and everything I stand up to, and everything I promised myself a long time ago I would never become...

At work today, my boss spoke to the bigger boss, and the proposal that I stay on for the coming year has been more (or less) OK-ed. There are just more details to be worked out, and more people to be informed (read: convinced). To put a long story short, it involves a lot of power politics, and complicated people politics. It exhausts me just to hear about all these things that go on, and to think I could be part of the 'system' makes me a little intitmidated.

It amazes me every single time to see the bureaucratic and long-winded decision-making process in action. As I found out, they had almost four months to look for someone to be the director in charge of the office I'm just temporarily staffing over the summer. But nothing was done. No initiative was taken. At all.

My boss was really pushing for the idea of me staying on, and again today said I would be really suitable for the position. Last night I lay in bed, until three-ish in the morning, thinking about the whole idea and just wondering a bit whether I could be in charge of a whole office with 'staff' underneath me. Imagine the responsibilities... but then also the powers and contacts that I could gain. I was just lying in bed, and thinking back at the year I was volunteering there... I was basically just doing what was necessary, and if I had questions or was unsure what to do, I could always turn to my boss, and who would make the decisions, and indirectly also bear the responsibility. Just thinking about me being in that position at this age just seems like a very strange picture! I guess I've never seen myself as a 'leader', as someone to be in charge of others and in giving directions. It takes a lot of courage and confidence, and faith in what I'm doing... which I don't really think I have.

But that close friend I have reassured me and kept on reassuring me: people are placed in a situation and they realise they have abilities they never knew existed. And besides, she said, there are different kinds of 'leaders', some stay in the background and may not seem to say much, but do a lot. And it'll be a wonderful opportunity to learn and to make contacts. And to think of it, what is in a title?

It's all still a bit daunting, and I really need to push myself to believing I can do it all. And again, things are still not set in stone, so it's really not the point to open the champagne just yet.
Of course, I was really grateful to my boss for believing in me, and putting all these proposals down and thinking also about my interests and about my future plans to move to another country and start life fresh next year... I kept on thanking her, and was a little embarrassed. But she turned around, and thanked me instead, saying something along the lines of she has just as much to thank me compared to what I have to thank her for.

That left a smile on my face.

Lazy...

I’ve been sleeping most the day today. And not been doing much over the whole of last week. Again, another lazy episode in my life, even though I know that the deadline of my thesis is looming near. In the back of my mind I’m thinking to myself I’m lazy now, but when it comes to the day or night before the deadline I’ll be kicking myself and regretting how I spent all those days doing nothing. It’s always like this!

Just heard from my mum that she’s planning to visit next month. It’s all very sudden, and of course I’m happy to see her again. She told me how she really needs a break from her tiring job, and also partly (I’m guessing) to get away from living with my dad.

It’ll be good that she’s coming in September, because (hopefully!) I’ll be able to graduate then and be able to share the experience with her. Even though in this country we don’t have any official ceremony or celebration, it’s still a special day, and my parents have never been to any of my graduation yet.

To be honest, I’m a little ashamed. I’m about to graduate, but I don’t have anything waiting for me. Most of my friends are already planning to move on to the next study, or to do an internship somewhere, or starting to work… but I’m still here wondering what to do and how to support myself next year.

But my mum told me not to worry over the phone. She said whatever I decide to do, and wherever I decide to go, she’ll be there to support me.

I heard that, and felt like crying…

Why can’t I be independent yet? Why can’t I go out there and get a job to support myself yet? Why can’t I decide what I want to do in life and just settle somewhere and stop having to rely on my parents? Am I really that useless? Or just lazy?

She said I shouldn’t worry too much, and that she’d do anything because I’m her son. She kept on encouraging me, telling me not to give up, not to feel upset that I didn’t manage to get the dream job I wanted at the European Commission.

She told me to just try, and keep on trying. Get an internship somewhere for a few months… get some experience and prepare myself for the job market… even if the internship is not paid. None of them are paid, but they are like a full-time job, which means there’s no time to get another part-time paying job. But without experience, I’m nothing with just a degree from university! Frustrating…

Mum said she has planned it all, and it’ll be alright…

But it’s not alright… I feel so guilty!

Push and pull

Sometimes, people need to be pushed, or pulled. Or in my case, push and pulled.

It's tough having to grow up many years without family there to support you and encourage you in what you do, but then you learn to find substitutes for love and care in life in yourself, and others. Up till now, I've more or less been going my way on my own. It takes courage, and hard-work, and dedication I guess. But after a while you loose that and begin to slow down, like I seem to be in the last few months....

And out of nowhere a friend appears. To push and pull you, to confront you with your fears and anxieties, to look through you and see the real you, to criticise you when you're weak and not assertive enough, and then to praise you and tell you what an amazing person you are, and how much more you can do with life. It's rare, it's unique, but these friends do exist.

So imagine how surprised I am to have stumbled across one. I don't make friends easily, and I guess I choose them... or they choose me. But either way, my friends are more than people you say 'Hi... bye...' to, but people who you can really talk to and who can touch you.

We've been doing almost everything together for the past few weeks since she moved into my city... studying, working, cycling, going to the movies, cooking... it's really like a relationship, but without the sex! And I treasure it a lot, and the feeling is mutual. She and I just have much in common, and can really understand one another's problems and worries, and are there for one another when the need arises.

I like to compare friends (real friends) to mirrors... they are people who reflect you, who you are, and actually also who you want to be. She's really been like a really polished mirror that's been reflecting not just my present, but also my past and also giving me images of the possibilities of the future.

She can tell I'm confused, lost, and struggling to find who I am and what I want. Not many people (if at all any) see that. And I guess I've known it a while, but she told me straight and clearly: I need change.

We talked almost an entire evening about this, and I was so touched and emotional by what she's trying to do to help me help myself. At one point I asked her very bluntly: "Why are you being so nice?"

It's not that I think she has a motive or anything. It's just not many people have been so nice and encouraging to me, or at least not in a long, long while. And she answered simply:
"Because you're a good person".

I am....... ?

And because I deserve so much more than what I have. I deserve the happiness, the opportunities and the chances to really show the world what I am capable of. I need to change, and I need change to change! For that, I really need to just start life fresh somewhere, pursue my dreams and hopes, and take risks if I have to. Sometimes it's when you are really far, far away from your current life that you finally realise who you are, and where you want to go. Sometimes you're stuck in the same place with the same people for so long that you begin to loose who you are and what you want. And that's what's happening now.

There are things that I'm looking into now... plans and ideas that may or may not be realised. I've been browsing some websites, and looking at the possibilities, and I realise there is such a big big world out there waiting for me, and I really don't have to be in this place and stuck with these people who are limiting me and keeping me down when I want to go up.

I'll not reveal anything at the moment because things are still in that fragile stage and I myself don't really know what may or may not happen. But from my friend I got a lot of advice, and she's really willing to help and support me all the way.

Thanks to you, my friend.... thanks to you.
You know who you are, my dear friend.

And to you I am grateful.

Plans!

Haven't really been doing much work 'work' lately. I guess it's the fact that I'm postponing my graduation by one month that sort of psychologically triggered the "I-can-relax-a-little" mode in me. And frankly, reading stuffy old law journals and books, and typing thousands and thousands of words can be very, very exhausting...

But still, I've been doing so other useful things too. For one, I was shocked to find out just last week that my university doesn't have the budget or any plans to hold a graduation event. Not even a little get together before we all part different ways. I mean what's the point of working so hard throughout the year and not having a proper event to finish it off officially? So I started to email my course coordinator, and suggested to him that we really should do something.

And immediately (almost) he agreed! I have some 'influence' at the place I work, and I think I can easily get a great room for my class to get together... even if it's just for drinks and snacks. So I've been sending out emails and planning this, something I really, really enjoy doing!

It's funny because I dread planning my own life and my future, even if it's just what I want to do the very same day... but when it comes to planning something for other people, then I jump at the opportunity and get very organised. I really love planning, organising things, and seeing everything fall into place and knowing that people are enjoying themselves. I don't do it for the credit or the praise, but just seeing people happy and making something memorable is already a great joy.

And this morning there was another thing that really got my excitement going. A good friend of mine and I were just talking and discussing... and suddenly she mentioned she'd really like to go to Auschwitz someday. Immediately in my mind I was thinking: "That's one of the must-go places on my list of must-go places!"

So we ending up planning and thinking about the trip the whole morning. It's still in the fragile planning stage, and we're not even sure if it'll go through because of our time constraints... but maybe, just maybe we could be travelling across Europe next week or so, and be standing at the gates of perhaps the most gruelsome concentration camp in human history.