We cook separate meals and eat at separate times. I used to cook for everyone, do the shopping and make sure there is enough food in the fridge. But why? I realise that is just foolish, because the other two who live with me don't care. So I stopped cooking, stopped doing any housework except clean up after myself, and started coming home just to have dinner and sleep, before I head out the next day. True, like my brother lamented once, I treat this place like a hotel. A hotel he seems to own and run. So more reason for me to treat it as such: a place I don't care much about, because it's occupied by him and his girlfriend, even though they should have long moved out.
And now there seems there will be some changes soon. My mum called my brother and told him (for the nth time) to move out. And this time it seems he'll actually do just that, because my mum wants to come to Europe and stay for a while to have some rest and take it easy. Just a week or so ago she started having complications with her bowels.... and it was where she was operated on to remove a cancerous section... When she was here back in September, I had encouraged her to take a break from her work, and now it seems she'll be doing that.
I guess there are a number of reasons. One is to make sure my brother moves out and stays out, and the other is for my mum to spend some time with me.... because frankly, she still can.
I've set in motion a number of things that will ultimately mean that the chances are high I'll be moving overseas very soon. This means, after almost 15 years of living in Europe, my time has come to an end here. Time to go somewhere else, more promising, and more accepting of people with a different skin colour. Europe has declined in the last few years, disappointingly become somewhat intolerant and xenophobic, and thereby with its decline taken away any of my plans of staying here. Shame, because I like the living environment, and every one that I know and have come to care about and love are here... but I just don't see a future here for me for some reason. So, time to move on to the next best alternative.
I don't want to 'jinx' anything, so I won't mention any details. A lot still depends on my applications for a study and also applications for a fully-paid scholarship... I sent all that out a few days ago, and as I was standing at the post office, and watching the documents being sent, I felt like that (could have been) was a life-changing moment... like it was my ticket out of this life and onto a freer and happier life elsewhere, away from the miseries with my brother, away from feeling like a 'stranger' a lot of the time even though I grew up living in this country.
We'll see. Whatever will be, will be.
"Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen,
Tod und Verzweiflung flammet um mich her!
Fühlt nicht durch dich Sarastro Todesschmerzen,
So bist du meine Tochter nimmermehr.
Verstossen sei auf ewig,
Verlassen sei auf ewig,
Zertrümmert sei'n auf ewig
Alle Bande der Natur
Wenn nicht durch dich Sarastro wird erblassen!
Hört, Rachegötter, hört der Mutter Schwur!"
Death and despair flame around me!
If Sarastro does not through you feel the pain of death,
Then you will be my daughter nevermore.
Disowned may you be forever,
Abandoned may you be forever,
Destroyed be forever
All the bonds of nature,
If not through you Sarastro becomes pale! (as death)
Hear, Gods of Revenge, hear a mother's oath!
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