I have moments when I saw myself from afar: eyes tired from lack of sleep, my face heavy with thoughts and worries, my body weak and slouching from fatigue and longing... Yes, I am exhausted, smiling still because I always manage to, but mentally and physically drained and frustrated.
Who could I turn to and talk about this without feeling like I'm burdening the person? My ex, my former confidante and rock who has been around for so long, seems to be caught in his own fatigue and emotional issues that these days feel i have much difficulty in talking to him. Other than the nagging and unanswered questions of whether he still care and whether he really wants to listen to me lament about how I'm feeling after long hard days at work, I know myself to be truly strong, and to truly get to the bottom of my problems, I must turn to myself for help.
I am trying. Trying I really am to take time out to travel. Or at least that is the plan. I've been wanting to go to India for a while now, and I remember so many moments when mum slowly declined, I said to myself, and on occasion to her, I'll go to India one day when all is over.
And now all is over, and I should live up to my promise-- to myself to and to mum.
But plans change, and nothing ever goes according to plan. Despite having booked a ticket almost a month ago, increasingly I've encountered obstacles on my way to leave... Visa problems, time issues, work still to be done, preparations I should do for a trip into an unknown land that does not have a reputation for being safe or hygienic...I've had to cancel my tickets today because first of all, the notices the price I paid is exorbitant compared to how much I only have to pay now, barely two weeks before my intended departure. And it may have been worth it if I were flying on the latest Dreamliner for part of my journey... But even that is not happening because of delays in delivery the new plane...
So after weeks of wrangling, searching and finally sitting down to buy a ticket, I'll need to start all over again...
I am frustrated, feeling pressed for time, feeling pressure from work, and generally feeling like a failure because things are not as simple and as easy as I thought or planned. Why is it that other people can just book a flight and just depart so easily, whereas I'm wondering about the ifs and whens or hows?
Well, all I can say is life is always changing, and I am experiencing it fully, whether I like it or not...
N
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label changes. Show all posts
09 November 2012
30 January 2012
Proposal
30012012.1542
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
25 January 2012
No more, no more...
Tears were rolling in her eyes, she said as she recalled that day when she opened my thesis and read my dedication. It is things like that she lives for, she said... Touching moments in life, not hospital treatments and doctor's appointments.
I bit the inside of my lower lip, so hard I could taste my own blood. Biting the insides of my lips is something I have learned can control the tears. Strange, because it hurts so much, but the physical pain perhaps overpowers the mental pain...
I hesitated to say it, but it has been on my mind a long time. I hesitate because I wonder... is it for her own good that I am saying this, or for my own selfish interests? Is it because I don't want to be (t)here to take care of mum, as I have done on and off for the past three years or so, or is it really because I have her best interests at heart?
"Stop the treatments", I suggested. Stop them completely.
No more chemotherapies...
No more radiotherapies...
No more cancer indices...
No more scans and tests and injections...
No more hospital visits, no more sitting in the crowded corridors and waiting, and waiting...
No more, no more...
I know I have alluded to my message before, so it was not a shocker. The reality is this: the cancer is spreading, unstoppably. How fast, how slow, I am not sure. What is certain is if you treat one place, another problem area pops up. For now, the the greatest source of her pain, the tumour compressing on the spine, has been removed. And in a few days she is due for treatment to (hopefully) eradicate any remaining traces of the cancer on the spine.
And then what? Her main physician referred to the fact that she may need to undergo more chemotherapy after the upcoming radiotherapy to contain her illness. Yes, contain, because there is no cure once cancer metastasises, which it already has. And sometime ago, he told mum that there are no drugs that are effective any more, because she's used them all. Once you have used one, the cancer cells become resistant. The chemo just kills the healthy cells and has very little effect on the ones you want to kill. Xeloda, Folfox, Folfiri, Erbitux... what else is there out there? And if the treatments are not working, why keep on doing it? How much more money must we burn through to continue with treatment after treatment? It's not about the money... it's about the dignity and quality of life.
How painful is it to watch a dear one suffer? How painful is it to watch your loved one bend over the toilet bowl and choke on her own vomit? How painful is it to have to quickly sweep away the falling strands of hair so that the one you care about more than life itself does not have to be reminded of her hair loss...? Multiply my feelings tenfold, hundredfold, and that pain would never ever equate the pain, fears and anxieties mum feels undergoing treatment after treatment, time after time. Is it any wonder why mum would like to "end it all"? Is it any wonder mum is becoming dazed and numb and looks so very, very tired...?
So stop it all.
Stop it all and let fate take its course?
Stop it all, and let the demonic cells grow and multiply, feed and fester inside her body until one day her body is but a rotten, cancerous corpse...?
After signing the agreement to proceed with cyberknife, with what I suggested to mum, why do I again feel like mum's life is placed in my hands...? Do I hold the warrant to her life (and death)? Is it because I really care, or I am too tired of caring any more and want this to quickly end?
How heavy, how very, very heavy that burden, that responsibility is... how heavy it is to tell your own mother to give up on treatment while she is ahead, knowing fully well what the outcome of that decision might be... And where was brother while we are discussing such a life changing matter, discussing the future life of our dear mother? Playing mahjong with his new family elsewhere in the country. Is she not also my brother's mother...?
Mum understood what I was saying, and perhaps why I was saying it. It's soon her sixtieth birthday... does she want to spend the last few years, months, or however long she has still, of her life going in and out of the hospital? She's lived that life for the last four years, and I have lived it, from afar and from close by, with her. Sixty years of life she's almost had, and would it not be a shame if it were all overshadowed by the pain and misery of the confinement of the hospital walls in that final leg of her journey in this universe? Dad experienced it, my uncle, who is perhaps nearing the end of his life, is experiencing it... so many people I have seen in the past few years just seem to rot away in hospitals. And how horrible that is... how undignified, and what a crude and colourless way to leave this world that is!
"Don't you want to see more of the world? See the flowers blossom in Spring in Europe again?" I was reminded of a story she once shared with me about this elderly couple, both of who got cancer. The husband (or was it the wife?) decided to go travel, see and explore the world and seize his days, while the wife (or husband) decided to stay home. The latter died soon after, while the other traveled the world and experienced life in a totally new light... Eventually, with absolute certainty, we will all die. But we may be able to influence the way we die, or at the very least the final days and moments before we die. Is this naive make-belief or bravely and confidently facing death?
I know mum was moved by my words, and I know deep down, she agrees with me, for she has on so many occasions expressed to me her disdain for hospitals and building fatigue of having to go through so many treatments, take so many different pills-- all of which are stacked up on her shelf like little mounds. But can she really just "go"? Can she really "live and let live", as they say? In this case, it really is about living, and letting life live itself for however much longer, in whatever way it carries you...
Of course, ultimately it is mum's decision. But one that will have a bearing on my life and my future. What if she follows my advice and urgings and suffers a horrible, painful end? Will I be able to live the rest of my life knowing I influenced the person dearest to my heart, to my life, to forgo the chance at prolonging her life by forgoing medical treatment...? Will I be haunted by nightmares, more than ever before, and tormented by a guilty conscience if influenced by what I said mum stops everything?
Ask me in a month's time, and perhaps this issue may be moot.
Ask me in a year's time, and perhaps these questions will have been answered.
24 January 2012
give up
When you give up everything, what else have you got to lose?
Sleep my baby, at my breast,
Tis a mothers arms round you.
Make yourself a snug, warm nest.
Feel my love forever new.
Harm will not meet you in sleep,
Hurt will always pass you by.
Child beloved, always youll keep,
In sleep gentle, mothers breast nigh.
Sleep in peace tonight, sleep,
O sleep gently, what a sight.
A smile I see in slumber deep,
What visions make your face bright?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)