Long awaited journey

27072012.2333

I've been thinking about this day for years, and been planning it for months. The dream to bike around the island (or at the very least as far as my legs and energy levels can take me...) is supposed to be a life changing experience, something I need to rediscover the meaning of life and to spend some time on my own. After Mum's passing, this is perhaps as good a time as ever to embark on this long awaited journey.

So I set a date, today, after much of Mum's after-affairs have been dealt with (now we are just waiting for confirmation from her former employee to pay out some of her retirement fund). I probably should have train Ed a bit, or at least biked around the block, for after all, it has been over a month since I last packed away my bike and placed it under Mum's bed to store.

I got the bike out, dusted off the dust, and assembled it together late last night. And eight hours or so later, I was on the bike, beginning my journey.

There were moments I sang to myself. The excitement of hopping on a bike and the freedom that comes with that is so exhilarating and liberating. As I peddled southward (going around the island anti clockwise...), my thoughts drifted to mum, to various moments in the past few months. I saw mum, watching me from afar, goading me on. Before, when I told her about my dream, she told me: "go for it. Go realise your dream." I'm doing this right now, mum!

Feelings of joy were mixed with feelings of loss and pain... Sometimes so strong I could almost feel my tears mix with the almost incessant downpour (terrible weather, but at least it's not too hot...yet.)

I needed this time alone, time to myself to think over events and experiences, or at least let them wash over me and see what impressions are left behind. I need to know I can be strong and determined, and that I can do something so many people when they hear about it say: "That's crazy!" I need to show and prove to myself I can do it, I can exert myself and tire myself and excel.

Of course, there have been various moment during the day when I felt I couldn't make it. My legs and knees ached badly, probably from the lack of exercise and sudden repetitive motion for hours. My body needs time to adjust, not only to the strenuous exercise, but also the humidity and the roar of cargo traffic on very busy interstate roads and exprssways.

Call from the ex

I was really so tired from facing mum's condition, from the poor sleep I had because of the nausea and pains in my bowels the whole night before... And then I had to deal with my ex crying on the phone.

It was a rough morning to start with, with mum waking up to severe throat aches. I tried to fix her an iced milk shake with some fruits, thinking it would give her much needed nutrients and a fibrous diet. The coldness of the shake would be easier for her to swallow too.  But she resolutely refused to eat it. I only meant well, but mum just would not eat anything. More and more, it is harder to get her to eat, more and more, I feel we are having arguments over what to eat. Maybe it's me, forcing her to eat when she does not feel like it. But she is really thinning, everyone can see it. Even she says her pants fit much looser than before now. And because she's not eating enough, she remains still so weak. And because she is still so weak, she does not want to exercise, does not want to move, which makes her even weaker still... Weaker and more depressed.

I gave up, and just put the fruits on the table, and iced milk shake back into the fridge. Maybe I'm too stubborn, wanting to have things my way, thinking that my way is best, I admit. Maybe I should let her eat what she wants, whenever she wants, regardless of how healthy or how much she eats. But really, nowadays every meal time, three times a day, is a source of headache and worry...

The phone rang as I was preparing food in the kitchen. I had no time to pick up, so mum did. Mum spoke in English, and it could only be one person. My ex. I picked up the phone, somewhat reluctant at first. We have not spoken for almost a month, and I really have little to say to him after the night I left Montreal. He has been writing me, saying how much he misses me, and how much he wishes to speak to me. And he even writes that he loves me, how he has loved me ever since the day we met. True or not, his behaviour over the past few months has proven otherwise.

So we spoke. He told me about his life, what he's been up to, his work. I just listened, and was glad he seemed to be settled and progressing well in his life. Perhaps I was distant and cold, and I was reluctant to share too much about what has been happening here. He could get hints and bits of pieces of information from my blog, which I know he checks profusely. My ex began to sob. He denied it, but I could tell. I can always tell when he's crying on the other side of the line.

He called to say happy birthday, and yet he began crying. Why, I could not understand. He was the one who told me how happy he is with someone else that night when I left, so why does he feel the urge to speak to me so much? Why does he cry when he speaks to me? Why is he the one crying when he told me he is happy, and told me to move on, while fully knowing the difficult, difficult circumstances I am facing now? I could not understand it.

My ex hinted at the reason why: regret. He says he feels regret that he cannot be there for me in my greatest time of need. But I told him he has been there enough already in the past. And we are no longer in that kind of relationship where I can turn to him for everything, or vice versa. How could we be that way still when he is in a relationship? Why would he even need to turn to me when he is happy with another person? What is the point of being in a relationship with someone when you are not satisfied, completely comforted and comfortable having one person to talk to about all your worries and troubles? I was puzzled when I got text messages from him saying wondering where I was when he needed to talk to me, when he was crying and needed someone to talk to. I really fail to see where I would fit in all this when he is the one who has a boyfriend (of sorts?)...
 
 I told him I have no ill feelings toward him, and I really do not. There really is no need to feel regret. What does it bring? Only tears and bad memories of what could have been, but never was. I just wish him happiness and hope that he is truly happy, because after all the time we have been together, whether as friends or as lovers, in the end I seem to have given him not enough and he needs to find his happiness elsewhere.

I was tired, really tired from talking to him... Already weighed down by my mum's condition, and yet on the phone I still have to deal with an ex who tells me he cares so much and loves me. It seems all I am to him now is tears and talk about cancer or my mum's condition. Where did the happiness we used to share go? Where did that deep intimacy, that love, that lust for one another suddenly go? Suddenly replaced by another better, happier, more care-free person? Suddenly forgotten and relegated to the history books?

 In a way I was disappointed. I went through so much effort making him a nice scrapbook for his birthday with pictures and input from his parents and friends. I sent him cards and pictures and a book in the hope of cheering him up earlier this month. And for my birthday I got nothing, not even a card. Not that I want anything in particular. But a few written word, a personal message... is that too much to do? All he gave me was a phone call, which ended with him in tears... And later an apologetic email. Am I just worth tears to him now...?


UPDATE: 24FEB2012
I did receive a box of gifts and cards from my friends and colleagues back in Montreal, and inside were some items from the ex, and also a card. He also sent me a stuffed animal he once gave me which I left behind, and I suspect he was also the one who sent me a Winnie the Pooh bear, perhaps my favourite Disney character of all time (besides Tigger...)