Day before graduation

It's so easy to be distracted and not to think of home and what is happening at home. It is so easy to "hang around" with friends and just be lost in pleasure and smiles, just to forget mum is at the hospice ward.

Three more days, and I will know what it feels like to have "escaped" and to have been away from the realities of mum's current state...

Escape?

"There will be lots of trips to the ER from now..." my aunt said, almost as a matter-of-factly, and I felt it was somewhat unfeelingly, "It was like that with my father." The last sentence made me realise she has been through this before, she knows what it feels like. She knows.

I asked her what an elevated pancreas index level means. She's been a nurse for over twenty years. She thought about and told me frankly at this stage those indices and number don't really matter much any more. "As long as she's comfortable and feeling at ease, that's important."

And I know it. I know deep inside her, the cancer is eating her, wreaking havoc and spreading. I know, and dread to think about it. Slowly, bit by bit mum's health will decline till her organs become affected and deteriorate. It will be fortunate if there is not too much pain. Luckier if it does not last too long.

Being here in Canada, surrounded by beautiful mountains and a clear, clear blue sky almost everyday, it is too easy to forget what I have left behind back home. It is surreal in some ways, that I am here surrounded by all this peace and beauty, and to think of what I have endured over the past few months... Being here is a far world away from hospital wards, doctors and the sight of syringes and operating rooms...


I find myself, in waking moments and my dreams, whether I am escaping reality by putting myself so far away from it all. Am I being selfish again? Do I not care? It pains me to hear when I talk with mum on the phone how she wears diapers every night "just in case". What she must feel, what she must think, to see her own body deteriorate. Imagine, a proud person being physically reduced to skin and bone and being confined to bed most of the time... How she must feel...

Severe depression

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, and have been sleeping or "napping" for most of the day. It was the first day that I did not visit mum at the hospital, for since yesterday mum decided to hire a 24hr carer. She said I should rest and focus on studying, because there is not much time for me left...

But I cannot focus. My mind is so distracted. It took me almost two hours to read and make notes on 10 pages! I keep on thinking "I'm abandoning mum..." I keep on wondering if she really is "fine" as she says she is... I feel guilty for not being there and spending time with her, especially after these few months when I've almost constantly been at her side...

I keep on thinking about her, about what to bring her to eat. Brother doesn't seem to concerned much, and just says mum can eat whatever we buy from outside... But that's the thing, mum can't just eat any odd thing. She has to eat more healthy things to regain her strength, she needs to eat low residue and low grease foods in order for her to digest.

Maybe I'm overburdening myself with responsibility. I must learn to let go, learn to lessen my load and give other people the chance to take care of mum, and just accept that it will be ok what they do.

Because how else am I supposed to leave here in peace and with peace of mind if I cannot let go and let other people take over?