NRT-YVR

07052012.1840 NRT TIME

Ten minutes into the flight. When I saw the maple leaf logo, I was reminded of the last time I saw that symbol of Canada. I remember at the time I wondered in my mind when it would be till I see Canada again. And that time has come...

Just read the news to catch up on what I have been missing in Canada (and the world) over the past four months or so. Managed to get an upgrade on the long flight, despite being told twice that I could not. Maybe they made a mistake, for they only want 6upgrade points for a trans-Pacific crossing, which is perhaps three times less than I expected. Oh well...

Perhaps I could get some sleep on the lie flat bed, and adjust to the time difference, so I get back "adjusted" and able to cram everything I've yet to study. I made a start, an hour or so before people started talking loudly on the phone in the business centre of the lounge. It's been over a week since I last studied, and I have less than a week to go till the exam...

I'm a bit tired, as I managed to sleep only four hours or so last night. I lay awake for a while, thinking about all the things at home, and what I'll be facing once at get home. I fell asleep, and I swear I remember dreaming of being with mum and being with a carer. A strange and intense dream.
I woke up at around three, and found mum was moving, and I imagine awake. I asked her what was wrong, but she didn't say much. I massaged her a bit on the shoulders, but she told me to go to sleep. I don't know if she managed to sleep after that...

Before boarding the flight, I called home. Brother had good news, as mum's neurosurgeon approved and signed forms necessary for mum to hire a foreign carer. This may mean she could get one within a month or two. If all goes well, we may not have to "bribe" people, which I was so disgusted by when I first heard about that possible need.

But mum threw up a lot today, so I was told, more than she took in. Brother said she was feeling unwell when she went to the hospital for a check up appointment, and threw up stomach liquids, which mum claims is bile due to the colour. it was worrying to hear that, for she was doing so very well yesterday. And brother panicked, and asked me whether mum should return to the hospital, which I know mum opposes resolutely. That day when she developed a fever close to 39C, I urged her to return to the hospital, but she resisted strongly. Luckily, with some icing and constant monitoring of her temperature, the fever subsided. So with the latest vomiting, I told brother to monitor the situation and see.

What happened today, after I left? What is happening now, 18 hours since I left home? As I told mum again and again before I left, mood can have a profound influence on your state of health and well being. And I just hope, I can only hope, now that I am inching further and further away with every passing second, that she is at ease in her mind and that her body is comfortable.

Severe depression

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, and have been sleeping or "napping" for most of the day. It was the first day that I did not visit mum at the hospital, for since yesterday mum decided to hire a 24hr carer. She said I should rest and focus on studying, because there is not much time for me left...

But I cannot focus. My mind is so distracted. It took me almost two hours to read and make notes on 10 pages! I keep on thinking "I'm abandoning mum..." I keep on wondering if she really is "fine" as she says she is... I feel guilty for not being there and spending time with her, especially after these few months when I've almost constantly been at her side...

I keep on thinking about her, about what to bring her to eat. Brother doesn't seem to concerned much, and just says mum can eat whatever we buy from outside... But that's the thing, mum can't just eat any odd thing. She has to eat more healthy things to regain her strength, she needs to eat low residue and low grease foods in order for her to digest.

Maybe I'm overburdening myself with responsibility. I must learn to let go, learn to lessen my load and give other people the chance to take care of mum, and just accept that it will be ok what they do.

Because how else am I supposed to leave here in peace and with peace of mind if I cannot let go and let other people take over?

48 hours

I left the hospital, close to 48 hours since I last entered it. My head and body were itchy, as I've not showered in the same amount of time. But I was surprisingly not too tired. Perhaps because I "napped" till almost noon today, after going to sleep at close to two. Or perhaps the fatigue is yet to come when I collapse onto bed...

Seems I've entered a sort of routine of studying late at night after I've put mum to sleep. I don't really get much studying done, for before long it's already past one or two in the morning, which means I'll be woken up in a few hours by the doctors around seven when they conduct routine room checks. And every hour or so, the night nurse would come in and see me sit at the dressing table studying. In the few hours I do sit done to read, I can concentrate pretty well. Though there is so much material to cover, and it is extremely daunting to have to cover everything from scratch and through self-study in the next three weeks, at times I turn back and see mum lie there, I am reminded of the reasons why I am studying, why I must work hard:

yes, it's for myself in the end, but a large reason why I eagerly would like to sit this upcoming exam is for mum! To make her proud! To demonstrate to her that despite distractions and adverse circumstances, I (hopefully...) still can succeed what I set my mind to do. And hopefully, when she sees me do what I have to do, and go after my plans and dreams, she can feel at ease, and feel a semblance of comfort and happiness... It is my hope that that little bit of comfort and happiness can rub away a bit of the pain and discomforts she feels on a daily basis...

Making a start

The large text book I ordered and asked to be forwarded to me by my colleagues finally arrived. I guess before this I had an excuse not to begun studying for an exam that's taking place in 25 days-- just a little over three weeks. but now I have the necessary materials, I need to get cracking.

I made a start this evening. A three hour study session at the dressing table in mum's room at the hospital as she slept. It's just the introductory chapter, one of around ten I still need to cover, but it's a start. There's a lot of materials to cover, and I just hope I can do so before the time runs out and before I head back to Canada to sit my exam.

But in my mind, I'm so preoccupied about taking that long bike-road trip I've been planning and dreaming of, and I'm concerned also with everyone being home now, there won't be a quiet place for me to study... I'm very tempted in some ways to just board a plane and fly home, to the peace and quiet of my own little world, to study...

I'll have to see what I decide to do. But at least I made a start already, and mum looked at me with a lot of pride as I began to read and take notes.