Nightwatch

Sitting by mum's bedside. Almost midnight. She's been restless and agitated for over four hours. Even the evening nurse said she's never seen mum like this.

Mum has calmed down a little, but still not calm enough to fall asleep. She'd close her eyes only temporarily, and then open them again as if something is disturbing her sleep and keeping her awake purposely. I ask her what, but she doesn't respond and just looks at me and turns away...

In the background is soft meditation music mixed with the occasional mediation chant (Metta sutra... It's soothing and one of mum's favourite) . On the tv screen hanging on the wall in front of her bed, I've got slideshow of pictures displaying. Pictures of landscapes, train rides we've been on, of people and places in our memories and on our minds.

"Relax, relax..." I whisper to her, "Look at the pictures, the beautiful pictures and try to sleep..." I stroke her arm, rub her legs, gently stroke her forehead (...maybe I should sing to her instead?) But nothing seems to calm her down or put her to sleep.

The nurse just came in to give her a sedative, in addition to the extra dose of morphine that was administered around an hour ago.

Mum is still restless, still fighting something that's bothering her, either her body or mind...

but I don't know what.

Dreams

Another night full of dreams. Dreams of my ex, dreams which are so unsettling and so distracting...

I think of him, perhaps too much. I miss him... does he me? What is he doing half way around the world? I do not know. Did he break things off with his boyfriend as he promised to, as he told a mutual friend he would?  Can I write to him, call him, confide in him and not feel like I am intruding in something and not think perhaps he is with another person?

He writes to me,  he tells me how much he is thinking of me, praying for me and my mum. But the way we left things is so uncertain. He seemed to tell me to hold on, to keep on hanging there and wait for him to resolve things. But there is no assurance that he is being true to his word that he will deal with things and remove obstacles to us getting back together.

What saddens me most is that he has not called once since we said goodbye. He knows, or can at least very well imagine,  how difficult this trip is for me. Other friends have at least called as I was about to leave the country. My ex, someone with whom I've shared so much with, someone I've never had any inhibition  in opening up to over the last few years, did not even do that (to be fair, he did write a few emails...). How much does he really care? How could he say he cares and then not even bother to call since we said goodbye in such a terrible manner?  How could he give me feelings of hope and tell me he loves me and would like to be with me, and yet just turn so cold after I leave the country?

I should not be left lingering like this... Don't I deserve some clarity or at least some closure? I really don't like being left like this. It is so distracting to be left to wonder what is (if anything) between us still,  and to constantly have to hesitate and wonder whether I can turn to him and seek support from him at this critical time of need...

Severe depression

I don't know what's wrong with me today. I feel so tired, and have been sleeping or "napping" for most of the day. It was the first day that I did not visit mum at the hospital, for since yesterday mum decided to hire a 24hr carer. She said I should rest and focus on studying, because there is not much time for me left...

But I cannot focus. My mind is so distracted. It took me almost two hours to read and make notes on 10 pages! I keep on thinking "I'm abandoning mum..." I keep on wondering if she really is "fine" as she says she is... I feel guilty for not being there and spending time with her, especially after these few months when I've almost constantly been at her side...

I keep on thinking about her, about what to bring her to eat. Brother doesn't seem to concerned much, and just says mum can eat whatever we buy from outside... But that's the thing, mum can't just eat any odd thing. She has to eat more healthy things to regain her strength, she needs to eat low residue and low grease foods in order for her to digest.

Maybe I'm overburdening myself with responsibility. I must learn to let go, learn to lessen my load and give other people the chance to take care of mum, and just accept that it will be ok what they do.

Because how else am I supposed to leave here in peace and with peace of mind if I cannot let go and let other people take over?