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I feel so groggy. Went to bed close to one, and just as I was about to fall asleep, I woke up again. I could not sleep till four hours or so later. And had to get up three hours or so later...
So tired, so tortured. My body and mind cannot take this much longer. How long can I go through this vicious cycle of sleeplessness and lying in bed with running thoughts and commentary? When I lie there, it's just images and the past that accompany me deep into the night. They keep me awake, they accompany me yet also make me feel ever so lonely, because next to me the bed is empty. Where is the person who said he'd be there for me? Where is the person when I need someone the most? Jealousy took over... Here I am going through the most difficult period of my time, mourning the loss of my mother and a dear friend, and perhaps my friend is sleeping soundly with another body next to him...
These days I'm scared, so scared at night.
And what is scarier than being afraid of yourself? Being afraid of what you might do to yourself...? Being unafraid of what people might think or how much they might hurt if you were to one day disappear...? I have not really entertained these vile thoughts. Not until now...
What's wrong? Nothing feels right. But things are just the way they are. Why should anything feel any less or more different?
Showing posts with label Sleeplessness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sleeplessness. Show all posts
03 February 2013
20 July 2012
Disturbed sleep
Three nights in a row my sleep is so disturbed...
I close my eyes and try to rest my tired body and exhausted mind, and yet i wake up after an hour or two disturbed by dreams and thoughts and images... Random images and thoughts that don't make any sense at all, but that keep me from sleeping, properly sleeping.
So tired, so tormented.
I need to get out of here. I need to free my mind and thoughts.
I close my eyes and try to rest my tired body and exhausted mind, and yet i wake up after an hour or two disturbed by dreams and thoughts and images... Random images and thoughts that don't make any sense at all, but that keep me from sleeping, properly sleeping.
So tired, so tormented.
I need to get out of here. I need to free my mind and thoughts.
01 July 2012
Sleeplessness
I was just about to fall asleep after a long struggle to fall asleep. Somehow my body feels so tired and sore and so much longs to sleep, but my mind is agitated, disrupted and not at ease.
I was just about to drift away and fall asleep when suddenly I felt something shake me awake. My body shivered and I felt my muscles twitch, and a sudden rise of goosebumps.
Something, or someone, shook me awake, and I'm awake again.
I was just about to drift away and fall asleep when suddenly I felt something shake me awake. My body shivered and I felt my muscles twitch, and a sudden rise of goosebumps.
Something, or someone, shook me awake, and I'm awake again.
28 June 2012
Nightwatch
Sitting by mum's bedside. Almost midnight. She's been restless and agitated for over four hours. Even the evening nurse said she's never seen mum like this.
Mum has calmed down a little, but still not calm enough to fall asleep. She'd close her eyes only temporarily, and then open them again as if something is disturbing her sleep and keeping her awake purposely. I ask her what, but she doesn't respond and just looks at me and turns away...
In the background is soft meditation music mixed with the occasional mediation chant (Metta sutra... It's soothing and one of mum's favourite) . On the tv screen hanging on the wall in front of her bed, I've got slideshow of pictures displaying. Pictures of landscapes, train rides we've been on, of people and places in our memories and on our minds.
"Relax, relax..." I whisper to her, "Look at the pictures, the beautiful pictures and try to sleep..." I stroke her arm, rub her legs, gently stroke her forehead (...maybe I should sing to her instead?) But nothing seems to calm her down or put her to sleep.
The nurse just came in to give her a sedative, in addition to the extra dose of morphine that was administered around an hour ago.
Mum is still restless, still fighting something that's bothering her, either her body or mind...
but I don't know what.
Mum has calmed down a little, but still not calm enough to fall asleep. She'd close her eyes only temporarily, and then open them again as if something is disturbing her sleep and keeping her awake purposely. I ask her what, but she doesn't respond and just looks at me and turns away...
In the background is soft meditation music mixed with the occasional mediation chant (Metta sutra... It's soothing and one of mum's favourite) . On the tv screen hanging on the wall in front of her bed, I've got slideshow of pictures displaying. Pictures of landscapes, train rides we've been on, of people and places in our memories and on our minds.
"Relax, relax..." I whisper to her, "Look at the pictures, the beautiful pictures and try to sleep..." I stroke her arm, rub her legs, gently stroke her forehead (...maybe I should sing to her instead?) But nothing seems to calm her down or put her to sleep.
The nurse just came in to give her a sedative, in addition to the extra dose of morphine that was administered around an hour ago.
Mum is still restless, still fighting something that's bothering her, either her body or mind...
but I don't know what.
Sleepless at TVG
Sleepless till at least two thirty in the morning. My body was just somehow uncomfortable, whatever position I was lying in. My thoughts drifted to and fro, and for a moment I thought a lot of my ex, so I grabbed the phone and texted him.
We had a nice exchange of messages, joking and playing with words like we used to do, something we've not done for a long time, something I do miss.
Even so, still I could not sleep, and lay twisting and turning till I don't know when. My body felt agitated, uncomfortable, my mind was restless. Something was frustrating me, something was bothering my body, and I was sore and aching in my back.
Perhaps this is what mum feels like...?
We had a nice exchange of messages, joking and playing with words like we used to do, something we've not done for a long time, something I do miss.
Even so, still I could not sleep, and lay twisting and turning till I don't know when. My body felt agitated, uncomfortable, my mind was restless. Something was frustrating me, something was bothering my body, and I was sore and aching in my back.
Perhaps this is what mum feels like...?
30 May 2012
Sleep well...
I was talking to brother about the ever-growing problem regarding my visa to return home, when mum woke up. It was one in the morning her time. I thought as she was up, might as well speak to her a bit.
She was in bed, and said she didn't really sleep at all. Restless, lying around and thinking... Perhaps like me last night. I did sleep till after four in the morning, after crying and listening to dharmma talks online. Perhaps mum is worried about my visa status, and yesterday when I spoke to her, she said she felt guilty for causing me so much "trouble". She told me not to go home again, but that is completely out of the question. How can I not go home and see my mother one last time? How could I ever live with myself if she were to move on without seeing me and without me by her side...? The pain would be so immense it would forever change my life...
Mum said she was hungry, and wanted so warm soya drink. She had difficulty propping up the pad, perhaps because it was too heavy for her now, so I could only see a corner of her face. She looked so painfully, painfully thin. Bone and skin, bulging eye socket and sunken cheek bones. But she is my mother, still my beautiful, beautiful mother... And I love her so, I care about her so, whatever she looks like.
"I didn't really eat much today. Not feeling like I have an appetite..." she said. I told her she should still eat a bit, eat whatever she can, eat many meals spread out over the day. As I said that, I felt I was being hypocritical, and I cried. She did not see that. Hypocritical, because I too have been eating very little, I too have lost my appetite. In fact, I feel like throwing up when I eat, and that is very severe.
"OK, go eat something, and rest. Listen to some music to relax. Don't think too much..." I said. I just remembered now that if I were there, I would add a put a few drops of lavender scented oil around her pillow. She always loves that smell, that soothing, calming smell. And she usually is able to fall asleep quicker being surrounded by that scent.
"Goodnight, mama... Sleep well," I wished her.
She was in bed, and said she didn't really sleep at all. Restless, lying around and thinking... Perhaps like me last night. I did sleep till after four in the morning, after crying and listening to dharmma talks online. Perhaps mum is worried about my visa status, and yesterday when I spoke to her, she said she felt guilty for causing me so much "trouble". She told me not to go home again, but that is completely out of the question. How can I not go home and see my mother one last time? How could I ever live with myself if she were to move on without seeing me and without me by her side...? The pain would be so immense it would forever change my life...
Mum said she was hungry, and wanted so warm soya drink. She had difficulty propping up the pad, perhaps because it was too heavy for her now, so I could only see a corner of her face. She looked so painfully, painfully thin. Bone and skin, bulging eye socket and sunken cheek bones. But she is my mother, still my beautiful, beautiful mother... And I love her so, I care about her so, whatever she looks like.
"I didn't really eat much today. Not feeling like I have an appetite..." she said. I told her she should still eat a bit, eat whatever she can, eat many meals spread out over the day. As I said that, I felt I was being hypocritical, and I cried. She did not see that. Hypocritical, because I too have been eating very little, I too have lost my appetite. In fact, I feel like throwing up when I eat, and that is very severe.
"OK, go eat something, and rest. Listen to some music to relax. Don't think too much..." I said. I just remembered now that if I were there, I would add a put a few drops of lavender scented oil around her pillow. She always loves that smell, that soothing, calming smell. And she usually is able to fall asleep quicker being surrounded by that scent.
"Goodnight, mama... Sleep well," I wished her.
28 April 2012
Sleeplessness
Terrible night, been up since 1am, and only managed to sleep for two hours or so. Don't know why I can't sleep, even though I have a horrible headache.
I lie in bed and try to sleep, but thoughts, and a heavy sense of sadness keeps me awake.
"Seven more days..."
"What will happen...?"
"Will I fly away as planned?"
"Will mum be able to return home before I leave...?"
The birds are singing already. Another new day begins, but my night has not yet ended...
I lie in bed and try to sleep, but thoughts, and a heavy sense of sadness keeps me awake.
"Seven more days..."
"What will happen...?"
"Will I fly away as planned?"
"Will mum be able to return home before I leave...?"
The birds are singing already. Another new day begins, but my night has not yet ended...
05 April 2012
Sleeplessness
I went in at seven this morning, and mum was sleeping. She slept poorly last night, the carer said, and was for some reason simply unable to sleep.
"I want to change rooms..." she told me. She first mentioned it last week, saying this particular room is not "suitable" for her. She doesn't say the word, but I know she believes the room is "not clean", in other words haunted or has some kind of spirit demon. And hence at night she is kept wide awake...
Whether it's true or not I don't know. But she is unable to rest, and there is a psychological reason keeping her awake at night. The more awake she is, the more she scares herself, and hence keeping her even more awake.
For non-believers, you might point to the fact that mum has had trouble sleeping for a while now, since around February. I don't know what the cause is, and she has been prescribed sleeping aids. But still she's often awake at night, even at home. I suspect it's related to her illness, and perhaps her mind is proliferating with thoughts and fears (something mum denies, for she says her mind is just blank when she lies in bed...). What is strange is that for the last two nights, she slept through the night without a problem. The painkiller induces sleep, but today, three days after the surgery, they reduced the dosage of the painkillers. So there is more reason to believe that perhaps a lot of the cause of her sleeplessness is psychological.
But I can't tell her that it's in her mind. She gets upset and says I don't understand. So we went to the head nurse and requested a room change. Mum says she wants to be back in the ward where she was when she was originally admitted about two weeks ago. From the way the head nurse spoke, I could tell she also found it strange and did not fully buy the story that mum's sleeplessness is due to the room where she is now being "unclean" (haunted...).
What do I say? I just feel so frustrated, because besides the physical discomforts and uncertainty whether mum can eat or not, now I have to deal with her strong belief that there is something "bad" in the room she is in.
If really moving will calm her mind, then fine I can help move everything. But at the moment, there is simply no other one bed suite available. And it is unlikely mum would want to move back into sharing a room with another patient.
Very frustrating...
"I want to change rooms..." she told me. She first mentioned it last week, saying this particular room is not "suitable" for her. She doesn't say the word, but I know she believes the room is "not clean", in other words haunted or has some kind of spirit demon. And hence at night she is kept wide awake...
Whether it's true or not I don't know. But she is unable to rest, and there is a psychological reason keeping her awake at night. The more awake she is, the more she scares herself, and hence keeping her even more awake.
For non-believers, you might point to the fact that mum has had trouble sleeping for a while now, since around February. I don't know what the cause is, and she has been prescribed sleeping aids. But still she's often awake at night, even at home. I suspect it's related to her illness, and perhaps her mind is proliferating with thoughts and fears (something mum denies, for she says her mind is just blank when she lies in bed...). What is strange is that for the last two nights, she slept through the night without a problem. The painkiller induces sleep, but today, three days after the surgery, they reduced the dosage of the painkillers. So there is more reason to believe that perhaps a lot of the cause of her sleeplessness is psychological.
But I can't tell her that it's in her mind. She gets upset and says I don't understand. So we went to the head nurse and requested a room change. Mum says she wants to be back in the ward where she was when she was originally admitted about two weeks ago. From the way the head nurse spoke, I could tell she also found it strange and did not fully buy the story that mum's sleeplessness is due to the room where she is now being "unclean" (haunted...).
What do I say? I just feel so frustrated, because besides the physical discomforts and uncertainty whether mum can eat or not, now I have to deal with her strong belief that there is something "bad" in the room she is in.
If really moving will calm her mind, then fine I can help move everything. But at the moment, there is simply no other one bed suite available. And it is unlikely mum would want to move back into sharing a room with another patient.
Very frustrating...
29 March 2012
NG
It was close to one in the morning. The nurse came back with the night shift doctor after I called her and told her about mum's latest vomiting session. Half a bag-ful of stomach juices. The doctor estimates it is about 300ml. Third time since around eight at night, sixth time Since the start of day. The latest time, Mum just kept on vomiting, vomiting, vomiting for around a minute. My heart kept on breaking, breaking, breaking...
The doctor suggested Inserting a tube to extract excess stomach fluids. Not the NJ proposed earlier, but an NG tube, nasogastric tube, which extends to the stomach and either with the aid of gravity or with the aid a pump can draw out excess fluids that otherwise would come out through the oesophagus and the mouth.
"No, no, I don't want [to] insert the tube! No... Too painful..."
Mum's answer was clear, and the nurse and doctor both agreed it may be uncomfortable and "in the way". Of course it would be! something is going through your nostril and down into the stomach! "But it's what I recommend if you keep on vomiting," the doctor said.
Mum looked so drained, so tormented by her body and the uncontrollable vomiting that has disturbed her sleep for so many nights and seems to e getting worse every night. She was curled up again in a foetal position that even for me, being very flexible and soft-boned, looks very uncomfortable. She was displaying a sign of helplessness, of fear, of dread, as if she wanted to be shielded away from everything that hurts, everything that causes her more suffering, more pain!
I recommended her to sit up and try to sleep on a chair, so that perhaps the stomach fluids won't so easily flow up and escape through the mouth.
I held her hands and massaged them... Silently, I hoped and prayed as I held her hands, her pain, her suffering could be temporarily relieved...
The doctor suggested Inserting a tube to extract excess stomach fluids. Not the NJ proposed earlier, but an NG tube, nasogastric tube, which extends to the stomach and either with the aid of gravity or with the aid a pump can draw out excess fluids that otherwise would come out through the oesophagus and the mouth.
"No, no, I don't want [to] insert the tube! No... Too painful..."
Mum's answer was clear, and the nurse and doctor both agreed it may be uncomfortable and "in the way". Of course it would be! something is going through your nostril and down into the stomach! "But it's what I recommend if you keep on vomiting," the doctor said.
Mum looked so drained, so tormented by her body and the uncontrollable vomiting that has disturbed her sleep for so many nights and seems to e getting worse every night. She was curled up again in a foetal position that even for me, being very flexible and soft-boned, looks very uncomfortable. She was displaying a sign of helplessness, of fear, of dread, as if she wanted to be shielded away from everything that hurts, everything that causes her more suffering, more pain!
I recommended her to sit up and try to sleep on a chair, so that perhaps the stomach fluids won't so easily flow up and escape through the mouth.
I held her hands and massaged them... Silently, I hoped and prayed as I held her hands, her pain, her suffering could be temporarily relieved...
25 March 2012
The city at night
The lights outside are shimmering, shimmering like tears reflecting light in the corners of the eyes.
So beautiful is the view of the city at night... So many people already sleeping, so many dreaming and resting...
While on the eleventh floor of a massive hospital complex, a boy sleeplessly looks out the window at the simmering lights, like tears in the corner of the eyes, shimmering in the dark of the night.
So beautiful is the view of the city at night... So many people already sleeping, so many dreaming and resting...
While on the eleventh floor of a massive hospital complex, a boy sleeplessly looks out the window at the simmering lights, like tears in the corner of the eyes, shimmering in the dark of the night.
11 March 2012
4.03AM
I sleep in the dinning room now, just steps away from mum's bedroom, so i can hear when she gets up. And she gets up a lot every night, at least three, four times. Either to vomit or to get up and drink something, which is usually just warm water.
So I get up too when she's up, and feel so tired from the disturbed sleep. She too is so tired, running on her last reserves I feel... For how long can a person go without good sleep and proper nutrition?
09 March 2012
3.21AM
Can't sleep... So tired, but sleepless.
Every so often, as I lie here on my bed on the floor, I hear mum in her bedroom. The rustling of a plastic bag, the flushing of the toilet. It fills me with dread that she is throwing up again, and makes me get up and rush to her room to check on her.
Need to get up in four hours or so for a doctor's appointment on the other side of town.
Can't sleep, but I need to. We, as in mum and I, both need to...
Can't sleep, but I need to. We, as in mum and I, both need to...
07 February 2012
Coping...
How has my life benefitted the world in any way today? What did I do that is worthy of mentioning? Cleaning up the apartment? Making mum feel comfortable and cared for? Slicing fruits and reminding mum to take her medical supplements? What did I really do to make me feel at the end of the day, before sleeping: "I have done an honest day's work and can feel so proud of myself?"
I cannot describe how very useless I feel nowadays... How useless and lonely I feel every day. But
I can't complain, especially not to mum. She is sad and already very moody at times because of her long sleepless nights and almost constant pain and bodily discomfort... How could i possibly complain to her about my frustrations and not make her again feel like she is burdening my life?
I wake up, think of what to eat for breakfast, then lunch time swings around, and soon after it's dinner and bed time. Day and night have lost their meaning, work day and weekend have blurred into all the same... I am not lamenting my lot, for mum simply cannot be left alone for long...
But I too want to work, wake up and be part of something, I too want to make a living, relax after a long week of work... I too want to have a close somebody I could turn to and talk about things, or even cry in front of at times. Here I am with mum physically and almost constantly and yet am so very lonely. I can't blame her, for since she lost her voice she doesn't want to talk much any more. And she is often so weak she just sits there or lies there, looking into space. When I talk to her or ask her something, she doesn't respond much. It has come to this...
I don't want to be someone who complains all the time (and this blog for the past few months, weeks has become that: a list of complaints and rants...), for my Worries and sorrows are nothing compared to my mum's constant struggle for life and to stay positive...
But really, I have never known a time in my life when I am so physically and emotionally drained and empty. It's like I have lost the ability to hope, to dream and to tell myself things will be ok soon. It's as if I have lost the ability to know what the purpose of my life and of breathing is. It's like nothing has any meaning, nothing is of any value any more. And to feel this world almost every waking moment is a terrible, terrible torture for my mind and spirit...
I cannot describe how being here, being in this very apartment and having to share the little space, having to sleep on the floor all the time, is testing my patience... I need challenges, I need someone or something who can stimulate me intellectually. And right here, I don't feel anything.
Another early night, another night of listening to mum cough and groan, and twist and turn in bed... What will come of tomorrow...?
I cannot describe how very useless I feel nowadays... How useless and lonely I feel every day. But
I can't complain, especially not to mum. She is sad and already very moody at times because of her long sleepless nights and almost constant pain and bodily discomfort... How could i possibly complain to her about my frustrations and not make her again feel like she is burdening my life?
I wake up, think of what to eat for breakfast, then lunch time swings around, and soon after it's dinner and bed time. Day and night have lost their meaning, work day and weekend have blurred into all the same... I am not lamenting my lot, for mum simply cannot be left alone for long...
But I too want to work, wake up and be part of something, I too want to make a living, relax after a long week of work... I too want to have a close somebody I could turn to and talk about things, or even cry in front of at times. Here I am with mum physically and almost constantly and yet am so very lonely. I can't blame her, for since she lost her voice she doesn't want to talk much any more. And she is often so weak she just sits there or lies there, looking into space. When I talk to her or ask her something, she doesn't respond much. It has come to this...
I don't want to be someone who complains all the time (and this blog for the past few months, weeks has become that: a list of complaints and rants...), for my Worries and sorrows are nothing compared to my mum's constant struggle for life and to stay positive...
But really, I have never known a time in my life when I am so physically and emotionally drained and empty. It's like I have lost the ability to hope, to dream and to tell myself things will be ok soon. It's as if I have lost the ability to know what the purpose of my life and of breathing is. It's like nothing has any meaning, nothing is of any value any more. And to feel this world almost every waking moment is a terrible, terrible torture for my mind and spirit...
I cannot describe how being here, being in this very apartment and having to share the little space, having to sleep on the floor all the time, is testing my patience... I need challenges, I need someone or something who can stimulate me intellectually. And right here, I don't feel anything.
Another early night, another night of listening to mum cough and groan, and twist and turn in bed... What will come of tomorrow...?
29 January 2012
Another sleepless night
30012012.0216
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
26 January 2012
Fearing death?
I didn't think it bothered me before, death, but the past few nights, I would suddenly stir from my sleep, as I just did now, tormented by images of death...
Of mum dying.
I thought I was not afraid, not afraid of losing the dearest person, of losing the only true source of support, in my life right now. but the images in my sleeping mind tell me otherwise.
Four thirty in the morning, and I am awake... Tired and wanting to sleep, but cannot. Why this sudden obsession of my mind with death? Is it because of the news earlier this week that my ex's grandmother passed away? Is it because my cousin last night told me that my uncle's nearing the final days of his life...? Or is it because of what I told my mum yesterday, when I suggested to her to stop all treatment once and for all?
I see images of mum dying, horribly dying... And what bothers me most is that I see to be watching without any feelings in these images and dreams. Why does it not bother me?
I truly am losing it... Losing control of my mind, losing control of my thoughts and fears...
26 December 2011
Sleeplessness
I am so tired but I cannot sleep...
Dreams, thoughts, fears keep me from the fragile peace within that I have strived so long to find... Dreams, proliferations of images and words sabotage the true rest and calm I so long for...
Be strong, master the emotions, contain the mind... Let the emptiness of feeling be a source of strength, let the hollow echo inside be space to fill life and waking moments with a brave new world...
02 May 2005
Sleepless in The Hague
Another sleepless night. Been lying in bed for almost an hour, and just
know if I don't get my thoughts out, I won't be able to rest. It happens
to me often, especially when so many things are on my mind, as now. And
listening to BBC World Service, or BNR Nieuws-radio does not help...the
stories of the troubled world of suicide bombings in Cairo,
hostage-taking in 'post-war' Iraq, historic handshakes of long separated
Chinese arch-enemies, President George W. Bush's 9pm sharp bedtime, etc
etc etc seems to make it all worse.
So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!
The sky at night...
Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.
Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.
Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!
So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!
I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"
So, at 01.00, I lie in bed, looking at the stars, wondering what my future will hold. I've already finished my university. Gosh, it was almost a year ago. This time last year, sleepless nights were common...as I tried to stay awake, cramming in all I could in the last weeks till the final finals. I remember watching stars at night too, as I lay on the grass in central London during my twenty minute breaks between studies...those were the nights!
The sky at night...
Now, almost a year on in my gap year, I 'm still as, or even more, clueless as what to do in the future. What do I want in life? What is suitable for me? How do I go about achieving it? Can I achieve what I want? What will my parents, or other people think? At just 21, these are questions I feel I shouldn't been answering. I feel I should be exploring the world more to answer these questions, and not be stuck one place and in one (confused) mindset and worrying myself to desperation, but without any results. At 21, I see others my age partying, having fun, enjoying life and , most of all, living life...but I go from day to day, wondering what I have done, wondering what I have yet to accomplish.
Been at the Van Vollenhoven Institute at Universiteit Leiden for almost a year, as a 'stagiair' (intern). I thought the experience would give me a guid to what I want. Maybe it has, but I don't realise it. Maybe the words and attitudes of people and work in the past few months have shaped me, unconsciously, towards refining my idea(l)s. In any case, my honeymoon routine of going to work and going home again is almost over. Now I must decide.
Choices have been made. Indonesia and Taiwan are my next big items on the agenda. I hope to do some research in both countries on the rights and situation of Indonesian migrant workers, probably with an emphasis on female domestic workers, in Taiwan. The motivation is partly personal, but also out of interest and facination of an issue which I feel is ever-present, embracing so many issues and ideas, and important today and tomorrow. The question now is how long I will stay in Asia. I had planned to stay until August and return to do a masters in Public International Law. But after a talk with my boss/professor, those plans have been thrown into doubt. He was right in saying I could afford another year out. Why should I dive into a study so quickly, when I don't even know what I want to do with it? Join an NGO! Experience the world, experience the people's lives! See 'life in the field'! It's all good advice, and I would ideally want to do it all...but then somethings are holding me behind. What will my parents think? Especially my dad, who I have not spoken with for so long...what would he think now? He wasn't too happy I stopped studying to do an intership. He wants me to study as high as possible and as quickly as possible, but he doesn't seem to understand that I want to take it slower. I've absorbed so much, and have had to endure so much alone the past few years, I just need to have time on my own, to reflect, to think, and most of all, to live!
So the question remains unanswered...what to do now? Ideally I would postpone my studies again till next year. In the meantime, go to Asia, do the NGO experience, do a research paper, join some other extra curricular activities, return in November at the latest to Europe...and then hope that I can get a job/intership somewhere so I can feed myself until my studies start. An internship at the International Court of Justice or International Criminal Court would be perfect! A friend of mine is there now, earning €1000 a month as an intern...imagine the exposure, the experince, and how it would look on your cv! But then now it's all a dream, a dream I dream without even going to sleep!
I am nowhere closer to answering all the questions I wanted answered, but at least I have written. I feel writing is like releasing all the energies and frustrations inside. It frees, it soothes, it defines and organises my thoughts, and it hopefully will be something to look back one day and allow me to relflect: how far I have come!
"Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not for us to see,
Que sera, sera"
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