Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
11 October 2012
Sleeplessness
The first night is the hardest. A severe testing of the resolve of the heart, a challenge of my ability to let go and not let it affect me in any way.
But it must be done. Must be done or otherwise the drama and constants source of imbalance and hurt, jealousy and being made to feel like I deserve to be treated like a weakling and a fool, will not stop.
Sure, I still care about my ex. I still believe there is a potential between us to be wonderful, to have and to build on that something long and lasting. But not when he cannot let go-- either let go of me for a little while to realise what he really, truly needs in life, or let go of the relationship with his friend that has been a constant source of disagreement and tension between us for almost two years now. I know he is tired-- or at least that is what he told me. Tired to be caught in the middle between two people, tired of having to make time and be there for two different people. And he does not want to hurt either persons who seem to mean a lot to him. But he must decide. He must choose and be honest to himself and to the persons he ( claims he) cares about so deeply.
If my ex cannot let go, then I will go. I made this promise to myself over a year ago, but still I'm hanging around, still I feel like I'm been held back from really letting go by my ex's care and constant need to assure me and satisfy me.
If he really loves me so, if he really means what he says when he tells me/told me repeatedly he wants to be with me and be with me 100%, then a separation will make him realise what he really needs.
The separation will really be the test of our friendship/relationship, will once and for all prove how deeply we need one another, how deeply we are really meant for one another.
08 October 2012
11 June 2012
HND-TSA
110612.1111
On board Eva Air plane which will take me straight to downtown Taipei. To my surprise, it is another Hello Kitty jet. Life is full of unexpected surprises...
A quick turnaround in tokyo, and now on the final leg of my journey home. This is such a difficult journey. My heart is racing and my mind is so agitated. The contrast of my feelings and the cuteness of the plane interior is extreme. I just got a reply from my friend, the one who has gone before down this difficult, difficult road of losing one's mother. She wrote: "... do not question the events, just live them. What has to come, will come."
What is coming? I think I know. I have been told to expect the worst. Brother said mum's condition has further deteriorated. She has difficulty eating, and half a bowl is already a lot for her. "Don't force her to eat, because she'll get very upset. Just listen to what she wants and accord her her wishes. Don't argue with her..." brother told me.
"And don't cry. It'll hurt her if you cry. If you need to cry, go outside. Don't be surprised by what you see..."
What will I see? How has mum changed since i was with her last? How will she has deteriorated that will make my heart break and me break down? I do not know. I do not know what to expect. But it will be a test... Test of my endurance, test of my faith and courage, and test of whether the teachings of impermanence and letting go is truly ingrained in me. Did the period of pre-mourning when I was back in Canada help?
I will find out soon enough.
I must remind myself that it is ok to cry (when mum is not around...). And it is ok also not to cry. I must remind myself that the absence of tears does not equate the absence of feelings or emotions. Instead, it may signify the ultimate level of serenity, reached when you know you've done everything you can with what the time and means you have been given. And I believe I have given mum everything I possibly could...
Whatever happens from now, whatever I see and experience just will be...
Whatever will be will be.
On board Eva Air plane which will take me straight to downtown Taipei. To my surprise, it is another Hello Kitty jet. Life is full of unexpected surprises...
A quick turnaround in tokyo, and now on the final leg of my journey home. This is such a difficult journey. My heart is racing and my mind is so agitated. The contrast of my feelings and the cuteness of the plane interior is extreme. I just got a reply from my friend, the one who has gone before down this difficult, difficult road of losing one's mother. She wrote: "... do not question the events, just live them. What has to come, will come."
What is coming? I think I know. I have been told to expect the worst. Brother said mum's condition has further deteriorated. She has difficulty eating, and half a bowl is already a lot for her. "Don't force her to eat, because she'll get very upset. Just listen to what she wants and accord her her wishes. Don't argue with her..." brother told me.
"And don't cry. It'll hurt her if you cry. If you need to cry, go outside. Don't be surprised by what you see..."
What will I see? How has mum changed since i was with her last? How will she has deteriorated that will make my heart break and me break down? I do not know. I do not know what to expect. But it will be a test... Test of my endurance, test of my faith and courage, and test of whether the teachings of impermanence and letting go is truly ingrained in me. Did the period of pre-mourning when I was back in Canada help?
I will find out soon enough.
I must remind myself that it is ok to cry (when mum is not around...). And it is ok also not to cry. I must remind myself that the absence of tears does not equate the absence of feelings or emotions. Instead, it may signify the ultimate level of serenity, reached when you know you've done everything you can with what the time and means you have been given. And I believe I have given mum everything I possibly could...
Whatever happens from now, whatever I see and experience just will be...
Whatever will be will be.
10 June 2012
Yul-YVR
100612.1015 YVR time
I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...
I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.
How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.
But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?
Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?
How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained? How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.
But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.
As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?
I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...
There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...
I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...
I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.
How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.
But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?
Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?
How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained? How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.
But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.
As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?
I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...
There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...
04 May 2012
Guidance
03052012.1823
A little guidance from the deities...
"When adverse circumstances come, go with the flow of karma,
Where the bonds of people sparse, the bonds of family are ever present.
In your dreams, why fight between you or I?
Let go of the body and mind, and see the heaven and earth. "
A little guidance from the deities...
"When adverse circumstances come, go with the flow of karma,
Where the bonds of people sparse, the bonds of family are ever present.
In your dreams, why fight between you or I?
Let go of the body and mind, and see the heaven and earth. "
25 April 2012
Dream
It was such a vivid and disturbing dream, and when I woke up, I realised it was already past ten in the morning. It was the single most uninterrupted sleep of eight hours that I have had in weeks...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
In the dream was my ex. We were together in a room, I'm not sure where but the locale seemed so familiar. Somehow, it was in my home in the Netherlands, or so it looked like. We were just talking, mostly me doing the talking.
"Let's just put it all behind us... Put away all the things I have given you, put away all the things you have given me." Moments later, he was going into a cupboard and taking things out and putting them into boxes. Photographs, gifts, letters, notes... All going into a box. I don't remember whether he looked sad, but it happened so naturally.
I think something along the lines of "this has gone on too long". I told him I care about him, love him, and all I want is for him to be happy. "If you are not willing to let go, then I'll let go." In the dream, I felt a peace, strange peace, even though under that peace was a hurt that was hidden. After all we have gone through, is this how we are to end? It felt like giving up a bit of me, cutting off a bit of my flesh. But it also felt liberating, for his presence in my life felt like a heavy burden. The same conversations, the same sadness, the same questions lingering on and on... He wants to be with me, but he wants to be with someone else. His heart longs for me, but his mind is wandering elsewhere.
"I just want you to be happy. So I am willing to let you go. I hope you understand why..." I said to him.
Within a split second, everything, the room, the objects we were taking out of the closet, and even him, my ex, disappeared. Within a split second, there was nothing else in the room but me.
Nothing else but emptiness and me standing there on my own...
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