110612.1111
On board Eva Air plane which will take me straight to downtown Taipei. To my surprise, it is another Hello Kitty jet. Life is full of unexpected surprises...
A quick turnaround in tokyo, and now on the final leg of my journey home. This is such a difficult journey. My heart is racing and my mind is so agitated. The contrast of my feelings and the cuteness of the plane interior is extreme. I just got a reply from my friend, the one who has gone before down this difficult, difficult road of losing one's mother. She wrote: "... do not question the events, just live them. What has to come, will come."
What is coming? I think I know. I have been told to expect the worst. Brother said mum's condition has further deteriorated. She has difficulty eating, and half a bowl is already a lot for her. "Don't force her to eat, because she'll get very upset. Just listen to what she wants and accord her her wishes. Don't argue with her..." brother told me.
"And don't cry. It'll hurt her if you cry. If you need to cry, go outside. Don't be surprised by what you see..."
What will I see? How has mum changed since i was with her last? How will she has deteriorated that will make my heart break and me break down? I do not know. I do not know what to expect. But it will be a test... Test of my endurance, test of my faith and courage, and test of whether the teachings of impermanence and letting go is truly ingrained in me. Did the period of pre-mourning when I was back in Canada help?
I will find out soon enough.
I must remind myself that it is ok to cry (when mum is not around...). And it is ok also not to cry. I must remind myself that the absence of tears does not equate the absence of feelings or emotions. Instead, it may signify the ultimate level of serenity, reached when you know you've done everything you can with what the time and means you have been given. And I believe I have given mum everything I possibly could...
Whatever happens from now, whatever I see and experience just will be...
Whatever will be will be.
Showing posts with label Flying home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Flying home. Show all posts
11 June 2012
10 June 2012
YVR-NRT
10062012.14.50
On board plane, taxiing to take off with an hour of delay. Am so tired I slept on and off that entire hour.
So tired I cannot feel anything, and the significance of this trip has not dawned on me yet. I keep on feeling I should feel something. I keep on thinking this will be the "last" trip in a series of trips I've been making to visit mum. I keep on trying to imagine how it will be to see her again after one month... But nothing seems to affect me. Nothing seems to affect me the way I feel I should be affected. Or perhaps I am expecting to feel too much?
No tears, no tears yet... But the lack of tears do not mean anything, right?
On board plane, taxiing to take off with an hour of delay. Am so tired I slept on and off that entire hour.
So tired I cannot feel anything, and the significance of this trip has not dawned on me yet. I keep on feeling I should feel something. I keep on thinking this will be the "last" trip in a series of trips I've been making to visit mum. I keep on trying to imagine how it will be to see her again after one month... But nothing seems to affect me. Nothing seems to affect me the way I feel I should be affected. Or perhaps I am expecting to feel too much?
No tears, no tears yet... But the lack of tears do not mean anything, right?
Yul-YVR
100612.1015 YVR time
I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...
I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.
How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.
But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?
Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?
How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained? How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.
But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.
As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?
I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...
There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...
I slept for the duration of the entire flight. So tired I was, so tired I was not even in a state to feel sad or to cry. In fact, I felt somewhat excited to be boarding the plane. Strange, because this is the beginning of a very long and perhaps the most difficult trip I will ever have to make...
I was alone at the airport. My ex said how terribly apologetic he is he cannot be there to send me off. He said how he wished he were there. But he was not. He was with his boyfriend, at the house of the "in-laws". He gave me a hug last night just before he went. I was cold and distant. I did not hug back. He tried to hug me again. I felt nothing. Nothing. Not even when he whispered in my ears "I will deal with things". I did not even look him in the eyes. I got in the taxi and did not look back.
How did we get from being so comfortable in the same bed earlier in the morning to such an abrupt and unfeeling goodbye? He took a day off to attend my graduation, but a series of mishaps ruined "his holiday" (as he put it...). He went to deal with things, to break it off with his boyfriend. He wanted to talk to me first, to tell me how difficult it is all for him and how he hates to hurt people. He asked for my understanding, saying he must spend at least one night with his boyfriend. He says he can understand how I must be feeling right now as I am leaving. But he cannot understand. He does not understand. Otherwise he would be with me, comfort me and talk to me, instead of spending time with his boyfriend. He calls me "unfair" for wanting to spend more time with him. He calls me "unfair" for not understanding who he must spend at least one night out of three with his boyfriend.
But who am I to judge? Who am I, but a home-wrecker, to say he cannot spend time with his boyfriend? Who am I to get upset? I was not upset. Just disappointed. Of all days, of all moments I need someone to talk to, I need someone to see me off, he cannot be there. Just how much reassurance does that give me when he says again and again he will be there for me and wants to build a life with me? He can tell me so much, but when it is the time when I need someone most, when I am about to go on a trip that is so heavy and terrifying in many ways, he is not there... Is that not very telling of how he feels about me and how (un)important I am to him?
Too much time has been spent on this issue... Too much energy spent on something that could have been dealt with long ago. But my ex did not have the courage to do it. He chose to pretend things are all normal with the other guy, and yet simultaneously harbour such strong feelings for me and dream of being with me. He chose to maintain the charade of a relationship, while on the side he's been intimate with me every weekend since he knew of my return. I can only take my responsibility for seeing him, for sleeping with him. Because I do care about him, because I do care about him a lot and appreciate him for the happiness and fun I've only been able to have with him... I do see a possibility to start anew, to rid ourselves of our tortured pasts and to stop blaming one another for past wrongs and faults. But how can we even do that when he is still in an unresolved relationship?
How can we even become intimate and not hold back when we kiss or touch one another when my ex feels so guilt ridden, so tortured and pained? How can anything develop if he cannot even let go of his current relationship? How can he make me feel I can trust him and be with him, when he seems to be unable (or unwilling?) to break things off with the other person?
It really is unfortunate, and the timing of my leaving and his intended day of breakup (only he knows what he really intends to do, only he knows whether he really does breakup...) is terrible awkward.
But I am away now, approaching Vancouver, and soon I will cross the Pacific and disappear into the obscurity of the crowdedness and time zone difference of Taiwan.
As I told him, I will be gone soon. So what has changed? How will things be different after I return to Taiwan? How will things be different after these four weekends spent together?
I am leaving. Everything is behind me now, and i am getting further and further away from it all. If my ex still chooses to maintain his relationship, despite his promises to break it off with his boyfriend, so be it. If that is the case, he is the one who has to continue living and sleeping with deep guilt and shame. He is the one who must keep on pretending, keep on living lies and put on masks. And how tiring that must be...
There are really more important matters waiting for me ahead. And I need all the energy and devotion to focus on those matters, and cannot afford any longer to be distracted or burdened by something that has dragged on for far, far too long...
08 June 2012
Flying home
I was already awake, but too tired to get up and start the day. My phone rang. It was my brother.
I had waited for him to call till two in the morning. The fatigue brought me to sleep. Half past eight he rang and talked about the day and visit of the hospice carer and family doctor. "It's time..." they said. Time to enter hospice care. She is now on the waitlist for a room.
Brother kept on saying it's not yet that serious, and told me to stay put. But really what does it mean to enter the hospice ward?
I know, some people go in and ate discharged home a week or two later. But some never make it out.
Brother talked more about arrangements. At this stage, a close friend of mum's suggested looking at a place where we can place her altar foe the period from her passing to her funeral. Brother mentioned more about insurance payouts and inheritance. I listened, but not much of it registered. I know it is important, but it's just money, right? Money... Money.
I proceeded to book a ticket, flying out Sunday (four days from now). I hesitated to buy a ticket, hesitated and shopped around for a convenient flight that would allow me to fly with an upgrade on the long journey back to Taiwan (and back here, eventually). I know, how can I even think of luxury (and collecting air miles) at this point? But I think I really need it, I really need it to prepare myself mentally for the journey.
It will be a long trip, lasting a day and a half, and I should get there on Tuesday afternoon local time. Brother told me to wait a few more days till I buy a ticket, but I cannot wait. I want to know when I'm going back, I want to have the security of a ticket...
Things may change, circumstances may deteriorate, but at least now there is a date and a time...
I had waited for him to call till two in the morning. The fatigue brought me to sleep. Half past eight he rang and talked about the day and visit of the hospice carer and family doctor. "It's time..." they said. Time to enter hospice care. She is now on the waitlist for a room.
Brother kept on saying it's not yet that serious, and told me to stay put. But really what does it mean to enter the hospice ward?
I know, some people go in and ate discharged home a week or two later. But some never make it out.
Brother talked more about arrangements. At this stage, a close friend of mum's suggested looking at a place where we can place her altar foe the period from her passing to her funeral. Brother mentioned more about insurance payouts and inheritance. I listened, but not much of it registered. I know it is important, but it's just money, right? Money... Money.
I proceeded to book a ticket, flying out Sunday (four days from now). I hesitated to buy a ticket, hesitated and shopped around for a convenient flight that would allow me to fly with an upgrade on the long journey back to Taiwan (and back here, eventually). I know, how can I even think of luxury (and collecting air miles) at this point? But I think I really need it, I really need it to prepare myself mentally for the journey.
It will be a long trip, lasting a day and a half, and I should get there on Tuesday afternoon local time. Brother told me to wait a few more days till I buy a ticket, but I cannot wait. I want to know when I'm going back, I want to have the security of a ticket...
Things may change, circumstances may deteriorate, but at least now there is a date and a time...
18 May 2012
YVR-YUL
Another flight. When boarding the thought came to me: what am I doing? Walking around airports with a suitcase, pretending to be all important by flying all over the place. Living out of the suitcase, and onto my next destination. Whats the point of it all?
What am I looking for, if anything? One day, when I am old and alone, I will look back and realise all of this was so pointless. All the flights, all the traveling, all those miles... They will one day lose their significance.
What am I looking for, if anything? One day, when I am old and alone, I will look back and realise all of this was so pointless. All the flights, all the traveling, all those miles... They will one day lose their significance.
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