Renewed freedom

Suddenly, a deep sadness overcame me. It was dark, time unknown, and I started to weep. Thoughts of the absence of my dad, images of the audience before me applauding in a standing ovation, echoes of the countless words of success and congratulations, the sight of my mum in hospital. It was just too much to bear, too much to handle.

I hugged the blanket that dad had given me last time he came to see me. He said the blanket would keep me warm, and I especially needed it last night. The days of the Competition has finally come to an end. What a relief it was. I stepped out of the Peace Palace grounds, saw the sun, felt the light Spring breeze, and felt a heavy, heavy weight lift. The past few weeks have been such a tension to carry, the past few days such a ride between ups and downs, disappointments and embrassments. All I needed was a break, and sleep, to recover from the emotionally draining and physically abusive experiences.

I slept, but I know that my memories and dreams were filled with flashbacks of the events in the last few days. The embarrassment of humiliating a number of special guests, the discomfort of having to deal with unpleasant bickering between my own assistants, the unease I felt when people wanted me to pose take pictures with them, as if I were some kind of hero and idol... But on the other hand, there were the genuine kindness and assitance of strangers and dear ones, the genuine, warm words of gratitude and congratulations, and the hugs that I received from total strangers who were so appreciative of and impressed with the organisation.

I stood on that stage, people applauding before me, giving me nods of approval, smiles of appreciation and respect. I blushed, and smiled, nodding back, my heart silently calling out to them and thanking them for their kindness and for their recognition. But at the same time, a nagging thought pestered me and faught against the sense of personal achievement and success... what of all these things that went horribly wrong? What of all these failings like the incident of a collapsing colleague, the chaotic and confused award ceremony? What of the disappointed and humiliated looks of the sponsors who had come from so far away?

And, as the crowd applauded, I could not but think of and thank my mum, my dad... They could not be there, they could not see this impressive hall, this impressive crowd, and they could not feel or begin to imagine the overwhelming sense of pride and triumph that overcame me and swept me so suddenly away... I missed my mum, my dad... I missed them terribly, and wished they could be there to see it all, to feel it all, to hear all the words of congratulations and gratitude that showered over me again and again. But dad has sadly gone... mum is sadly missing.... and left behind is an emptiness that echoed again and echoed in my heart as the sound of applause echoed again and again in my ears...

The pain, the pride, the sadness and the smiles of joy. Mingled together like a poisonous mixture that drained me so like a trauma. Time flew by, people passed me by, hands gripped mine, and hugs embraced me. And inside is an emptiness that I cannot express.

An emptiness that expressed itself in the tears that fell as I suddenly awoke in the middle of the night, and cried.