Letter from the ex

My ex wrote to me finally today, several days after I wrote him telling him how confused I am about what he feels toward me and what he would like from me. I wrote him at times when I am sitting next to mum, I so wish I could tell her not to worry about me, because there is someone who will care for me, who will love me no matter what happens. But is that someone my ex? How can I tell mum something I don't even know is true?

He wrote back, saying he has always care, he still cares, and he cannot care any less. He said how these few months apart made him realise so much, and how lost he was without me, his "best friend, rock and confidante", and how he longed for me so. When I was back in Canada last month, though there were feelings of anger and disappointment because I shut him out during perhaps the most challenging period of his life, as soon as he saw me, hugged me, and smelled me, he realised he never escaped my charm....

It is touching, so very beautiful and touching to receive an email like that. But it is also frightening too... Why does he feel so strongly toward me? What have I do to make him feel this way about me? And how does his feelings compare to feelings he has for someone else? Why me? Why after all the disappointments and arguments, the silent treatments and ignoring his calls, does he still feel this way toward me? How sincere is he really, and can he show me how much he really cares and wants to be with me?

Maybe I shouldn't be asking questions. Maybe I should just be glad that I am loved, and that there is someone who cares so much about me. But I need someone who will do more than tell me he loves me and wants to be with me... I need and want someone who will be there for me, who will support me and carry me through the most difficult of times. Is he this someone? Can I tell my mum I have such a someone in my life, and that she can go in peace?

My ex's email has two installments, and there is another one coming. I am not sure what else he will write, or what else he feels he should let me know. Maybe he's just telling me all these things in the first installment, and will use the second installment to tell me all the reasons why he is not able to be with or cannot be with me now. Yes, there is a deep seated pessimist within me, but in any case, I shouldn't get my hopes too high yet...

One step forward, two steps back

Mum sounded so tired on the phone, so tired I could hardly understand her. She said she slept poorly last night, a contrast from the nights before when she slept relatively well.

"What should I being for dinner?" I asked. It's my "standard" question these days, now that I'm at home the majority of the time and visit her only in the evenings. She said she didn't know what she wants to eat, and that she vomited earlier.

It's very frustrating to hear that, and hear the sound of her voice. For the past few months, it seems to be one step forward, and two steps back as her health gradually deteriorates. You have days and moments when you think she looks so well, well enough to be discharged. And next movements, the next day, you see her lie there looking so tired, struggling to breathe with the aid of a tube...

I went to see her tonight, and we had a good hour or so of alone time together, something rare since the 24hr carer was hired. I lounged by mum's bed side and we chatted. Now and then, I'd hold her hand and massage her fingers, and move her arm and her hand close to my face as if to kiss them.

I remembered my ex sending me a letter he wrote to my mum sometime back, which I only read last week and promised I'd translate to mum. And tonight I did just that.

I didn't translate word by word, but the general gist of the message. My ex was appreciative of my mum, foe welcoming him to our home(s), and for also being an inspiration to him, he said. All these years, he's watched from afar as she fights against the terrible illness of cancer, and he is deeply touched by my mum's strength and courage, and ability to translate pain into beautiful memories and moments. There were various lines praising me, going as far as saying I'm the greatest "gift" of all. I guess in a way my ex wants to reassure my mum whatever happens, she has raised a wonderful son who will carry on her legacy, her kindness and generosity.

Mum was silence as I translated the letter, but there was a moment when she moved her hand to the corner of her eye. Afterwards I asked her whether she had anything to say, but she said she was too tired to think. "Thank him for his care..." she said, and closed her eyes.

Letter

 With my brother and his family due to return tomorrow, I took some time to write to them.
It was a brief email, but the point was to remind them of how mum's condition has been, and to tell them that mum may be moody, mum may be sad, mum may even lose her temper and be very demanding... but she is still our mother, I wrote, and we have to be more compassionate and understanding, especially given the pain, frustrations and discomforts she has been going through (and still is going through...) for so long now due to her illness. Without trying to be or wanting to be condescending, I wrote reminding my brother, sister-in-law (and nephew!) the reasons why we are together for the coming period, and what we can do for mum:

To spend precious time with mum, to talk to her so that she will have no regrets or no anger,  to let her see and play with her grandchild...
We can let her feel that life is meaningful, we can make her remember that she can still enjoy life, go travel, and do whatever she would like to do...
We can remind her of the many places she has been to, remind her of all the wonderful things she has done in the past. We can encourage and support her so that she can find purpose in living again and make the most of her days.
We may not be able to cure her illness of take away all her discomfort and pains, but we can distract her and make her feel happy, maker her smile.
These are perhaps the best gifts we can offer her as children. 

I just hope they will be understanding and that the coming period will be a meaningful and memorable one, for mum, and for all of us.

message from a friend

"I know you will be a very happy and successful person because you are able to make the best of whatever circumstances you have got. Just be patient and things will get simpler. I promise."

 Yes, one day, I will be happy.