Severe

I looked at mum from the corner of my eyes, and she is sitting in her chair, her arm raised, her face seemingly in pain. She sits there, hour after hour... She gets up on the rare occasion to walk around a little bit, then she either sits down again or lies down. Every day is like this. Every single day...

I have to ask her, or otherwise she would not go out the house. "Too cold...", "It's raining..."... Of course it's too cold or raining here. It's the typical kind of weather in Taipei in the Winter and Spring months. But the more she does not go out, the less she wants to go out. And the less she moves, the more her bones will deteriorate, and the slower she will regain her health. 

I cannot understand... I simply, simply cannot understand how it is to be ill. I cannot understand what it feels like to vomit, to feel sick, to be mentally so weighed down by cancer. But it pains me.

It pains me so greatly to see mum like this...
 As if she has given up, as if she is just waiting to die...
She cannot eat. She eats half a bowl here, a mouthful there. And more often than not, it all comes out.

I am boiling in frustration. My head is spinning with a sense of hopelessness, anger, and rage. What is wrong... what am I doing wrong? Why is mum so unwell after all that I try to do for her? She was getting better before, but now with me around she seems to be getting steadily worse. I am only trying my best... Perhaps I am not trying hard enough...








Today, when I dragged her out to dinner, we walked in silence a bit. Then at one pint she said: "I should have not done CyberKnife. I've become so weak from the surgery, and the [CyberKnife] treatment made me even worse. I have no strength left..."

Immediately I felt so terribly guilty. Who was it who pushed for the treatment? Who told mum it would only be a few days? Who has to bear the side-effects, the severe fatigue, the nausea and listlessness afterwards? It's not me. I just signed the agreement to proceed. But she, she has to bear the consequences... Where did I get the authority over her health? Where did I get the say over her life or death? Why are people looking to me to decide what is best for her? Why do my grandma (mum's (step)mother), my aunt (mum's brother's wife), and my uncles (mum's brothers) all tell me that I should stick around and decide treatment for her?  I don't want to shoulder all these responsibilities. I can hardly decide my own life, let alone that of my mother's...

I feel so terribly, terribly guilty. Her pain, her suffering. Is it my doing? I only meant well... I only hoped that if she did the CyberKnife treatment soon, the tumour would not grow to be too large to handle. No, mum is not blaming me for anything. She was just saying how tired she feels, and how much she feels she should have rested more before proceeding with treatment.

Breakdown

Breakdown


How did we get to this? All he wanted was offer me dinner on the eve of my thesis submission. But I rejected him. I said no because I don't want to have anything to do with him.

And yet I bring him fruits and make him fresh lemon juice when he's I'll... And yet I comfort him because his granny's health has deteriorated over the past few days. I can give him myself, offer to do things for him, but I don't accept him trying to help me.

What's wrong with me? All he wants to be is a friend, what we've always been, regardless of whether we're together or not. But I can't even do that. It seems as if I'm deliberately spoiling our friendship, or the remnants of it. For whose sake? I want to say it's for his sake, so that he can move away and resolve me... But he turned it around and told me, perhaps rightly so, that I'm doing this for myself because it's easier to just walk away and drop everything...

Perhaps that is true. I don't know. I'm just so confused and hurt. By myself, angry at myself. Hurt seeing that again I've made the one person I care about so much cry and cry and be disgusted with me. I don't want to hurt him... I want to hold him, reassure him that no matter what, even if we're apart, even if he's found the love of his life and genuine happiness, I can be there for him still as a friend, as a best friend.

Can I do that? Can I do that with no ill feelings, with no anger or jealousy, without harking back to how I make myself feel like he's abandoned me and left me for another? I don't know...

I'm so confused, so frustrated with myself. So angry at myself for making my ex, my friend, cry and cry. I'm so angry at myself for (deliberately?) wanting to ruin a perfectly beautiful friendship because I can't get the intimacy and romance I want...