Mother bear

While waiting for my visa to be processed I decided to go to the canadian civilisation museum and watch an IMAX movie. It was about the arctic, and how global warming is affecting the polar bears.

The story follows the journey of a mother and her two cubs. So majestic, so elegant and beautiful... Like all mothers, she leads her children to survival, breastfeeds them, protects them from all dangers, and is willing to sacrifice her own life for that of her offspring. The way they cuddle, the way the mother plays with her young, the way she goes hunting for food and brings it home for the cubs to eat. It's love... Universal motherly love and compassion, motherly kindness and care...

I can't believe I started crying there and then. Not just once, buy several times throughout the movie. I could not be think of my own mother, how she has nursed me, nurtured me, raised me and (together with dad...) given me so much (and more) so that I will stand on my own feet one day.

I heart wrenches from the emotions of loss and pain, a strange feeling for she is still around, she is still alive, and I speak to her everyday. But I know, I know mum is leaving me soon...

And soon I must stand on my own feet... How can I keep from crying...?

Dream

Another dream with my ex in it... For some reason I cannot explain, in my darkest moments filled with fear and anxiety, my mind drifts to him. But a part of me keeps on reminding myself: "He's moved on already! He's with someone else already! Forget about him! Remember what other people have told you!"

In the dream I was biking in the countryside, full of longing to go to this cabin. I suspect it's the same place where my ex and I, for two years in a row, biked to for charity. When I got there there were a lot of people, all bikers, all new faces, some of them very good looking and were trying to make conversation with me. But I was not really interested. All I thought of and asked for was my ex. Full of expectations and longing, I waited and waited for him for a while.

He showed up at one point. We spoke. I was so glad to see him. But he was cool and distant. I asked him what's wrong.

"I told you, I have someone already! Move on!" And he disappeared and left me standing there...

Dream

After mum was wheeled into the operating room, I went up to her room to take a nap. I suddenly felt so very, very tired...

I was at the waiting area, I was not alone but with two of my cousins (from dad's side of the family). I was just sitting there waiting, playing with a piece of paper or something.

Suddenly I got up and went to the area where there is a big display board. The name of the patient being operated, what illness, the status of the patient were all displayed on there. (in the real world, there is such a display board, but it shows only the name (partly blanked out) and status of the patient: currently in operation or in recovery room).

In the dream, I saw mum's name. Behind her name in big flashing red letters, "BYPASS SURGERY", "FAILURE", "PATIENT DECEASED".

My heart tore into a thousand pieces, I broke down there and then and began howling, inconsolably howling and crying. So much pain, so much tears! My cousins rushed to hug me, but they could not touch me, for I shrugged them off and was beyond comforting. Mum was gone, and I didn't even say goodbye...

Such powerful emotions...

I woke up in a sweat.

"Forget about him..."

"Forget about him", my friend urged me, "Just forget about him..." Why does he say that to me? Is it because I'm still falsely clinging onto the hope of my ex turning around and telling me he misses me so much he cannot live without me? Is it because I'm still living in the fantasy world of us being together after a period of separation?  I am ignoring his attempts to contact me. I just do not want to be hurt, do not want to be exposed to him any longer than necessary, at least for now. It is a sickening attitude, I know... But part of me feels such sense of injustice that I am here dealing with the life and death of my mum, while a few days just before I left he told me to go see other people, to stop waiting around. Because he's already moved on. He's already found what he is looking for... happiness. He told me he is happy, and that is enough. I cannot offer him that, I cannot stand in his way of his happiness.  I do not need him to have pity on me and call me and have heavy conversations and ruin his chance at happiness.  So the distance and time will tell, the distance and time will show us how far we drift apart, and whether there really is something so deep and fundamental there between us neither of us can live without. 

Christmas day

First few hours of Christmas day, lying next to my ex, who is breathing heavily and falling asleep. Tears, sobbing, crying... Before we used to fall asleep ao beautifully in each others arms, before he said to me there was no other place (other than his own bed) where he slept better than with me...

And yet lying next to me, I seem to have the ability to make he cry, make him sad, remind him of the unhappy things in life, remind him of what could have been but is not. I feel terribly apologetic, terribly guilty, and bitter. How did two beautiful friends,  two lovers, somehow turn so sour and allow a growing distance between them to drive them seemingly further and further apart? How did two people who used to tell each pterosaur everything somehow descend into moments where tree are awkward silences and many things left unsaid...?

Is it me, me because I've been too tenacious, too fearful of losing him and therefore have been trying too hard to hold onto him, but in the process am pushing him, repelling him away?  There is a gap between us though we sleep on the same bed...

A terribly and frightening divide I once thought could and would never surface. Yet it is there... My heart and his heart are drifting apart... We are in different places now, perhaps we have always been in different places, wanting different things, needing something different from one another...  And now that is clearer than ever before, nine days before his departure from this city, and perhaps from my life...

What did you expect

I lay down to sleep, and I managed somehow. But in that twilight zone between sleep and consciousness, images came to me. Disturbing images that I cannot remember any more. I had an urge to go see my friend, who was two doors from me. So I crept silently toward his room, knocked gently and opened the door.

He was in bed, but on the phone. I knew immediately to whom. And I apologised for intruding on his conversation. All my desire to talk to him, to have a nice heart to heart chat with someone close was gone. I felt like I was intruding in his life, disturbing his quiet time with his friend (for lack of a  better word, "guy he's seeing"), and perhaps it was wrong of me to come all the way here and be here. What did I expect? What was I even thinking?

But it was so confusing... just moments before, he was bedroom and he kissed me goodnight.
 
I guess what hurt was that before, even just a couple of months or so ago, I was the one my ex would be calling the last thing before he went to bed. But I'm not that person any more. "All change" as they say when the train reaches the end of its route, and something my ex and I used to say and joke about when his previous relationship broke down. It's just a little bizzare, and painful, that so soon those two words apply to us.