Showing posts with label argument. Show all posts
Showing posts with label argument. Show all posts
14 June 2012
Dream
There was so much shouting, back and forth, back and forth. Angry shouting between my ex and I. There was so much anger, and much of the argument centred on getting back together, on whether we have a chance still. He launched a lot of criticisms at me, accusing me of this and that in the past. It was so dramatic, so harsh, so painful to listen to, and I just wanted to walk away... I thought to myself how did we get to this? Didn't we used to be so good, so kind and gentle to one another...? Where did all this anger and harshness come from?
Suddenly the phone rang. It was mum.
She sounded so terribly weak, and she said she was not coming to visit as planned. She went home to Taipei.
I broke down crying and howling...
05 June 2012
Leaving
We can have fun, we can enjoy each others company, we can lie next to one another, and yet there is always one thing between us. My ex is torn and conflicted.
The fragility of our 'relationship' was again unveiled last night, on the eve of my departure, when after a nice evening out, we came home and he said he needed to make a phone call. I went to take a shower. When I came out of the shower, he sat there and had this anxious look on his face.
I can imagine how he must be feeling. Having to pretend, having to perhaps lie and hide on the phone to his boyfriend, and having to face me. The awkwardness was not just felt by me. He felt it too.
He asked me what I was thinking. And i told him it's not nice to have a good few days and suddenly he has to go off and call. It just feels all too much like three years ago, when he was interested in me, interested in starting something with me, and yet still cannot get the courage to break it off with his ex.
He turned around and told me to take some responsibility. I should have foreseen this, I should have known how difficult it is for him to be spending time with me while he is still officially with someone else.
I take responsibility for visiting him, for lying next to him, for sleeping with him. But I will not take responsibility for the situation he is in. He knew already back at the end of February how he feels, truly feels, about me. He declared his feelings for me, he said he did not have want he wanted or needed. I distanced myself from him purposely to give him time and space to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, but it was not enough apparently. He said it was unfair of me to just suddenly drop a postcard and "summon" him to meet at a place and at a time (I thought otherwise... I thought it was romantic and so very special...) He said it's unfair of me to ignore him for so long and not to say explicitly what I want. But is it not clear what i want when the last two weekends I have taken the effort to drop everything and just go and see him?
He wants me to take responsibility, to talk to him and somehow be involved with his breakup (if that is truly what he wants). His reasoning is because he's doing this to be with me.
But truly, I fail to see what role I can play in a relationship he started on his own, a relationship I've tried so hard not to intervene in or get in the way of. He just does not want to feel guilty or take the full responsibility for having to break someone's heart. He just does not have the guts to open his mouth and break up, and he asks me to be there to support him.
In what capacity I don't know. How can I be there and talk to him about what he should do, when he could one day turn back and say to me "I did this all for you! You forced me into breaking up! You were telling me all these things!"?
This entire episode is very telling o what kind of a person my ex is, and it does nothing to quell my doubts and fears about getting back together with him. I sometimes really get the feeling he just does not want to face things, avoids them and wants people to be there to hold and comfort him, when really a lot of things are his own doing. He chose to breakup with me. He chose to start a relationship. He knew fully well a few months into the relationship, and perhaps even before the relationship, things would not work out in the long run. And yet he's not strong enough to let it go, to put an end to things. He's still making the other person believe there is something there, when at the same time making me believe there is a possible future.
There can be no future if he cannot deal with this very issue on his own. There cannot be a future if he cannot have a clean break from the past and really feels ready to move on.
Everything is in his hands now, as I said to him. But he seems to want to take my hand and hold it while he makes up his mind and gathers up his courage...
The fragility of our 'relationship' was again unveiled last night, on the eve of my departure, when after a nice evening out, we came home and he said he needed to make a phone call. I went to take a shower. When I came out of the shower, he sat there and had this anxious look on his face.
I can imagine how he must be feeling. Having to pretend, having to perhaps lie and hide on the phone to his boyfriend, and having to face me. The awkwardness was not just felt by me. He felt it too.
He asked me what I was thinking. And i told him it's not nice to have a good few days and suddenly he has to go off and call. It just feels all too much like three years ago, when he was interested in me, interested in starting something with me, and yet still cannot get the courage to break it off with his ex.
He turned around and told me to take some responsibility. I should have foreseen this, I should have known how difficult it is for him to be spending time with me while he is still officially with someone else.
I take responsibility for visiting him, for lying next to him, for sleeping with him. But I will not take responsibility for the situation he is in. He knew already back at the end of February how he feels, truly feels, about me. He declared his feelings for me, he said he did not have want he wanted or needed. I distanced myself from him purposely to give him time and space to deal with whatever he needs to deal with, but it was not enough apparently. He said it was unfair of me to just suddenly drop a postcard and "summon" him to meet at a place and at a time (I thought otherwise... I thought it was romantic and so very special...) He said it's unfair of me to ignore him for so long and not to say explicitly what I want. But is it not clear what i want when the last two weekends I have taken the effort to drop everything and just go and see him?
He wants me to take responsibility, to talk to him and somehow be involved with his breakup (if that is truly what he wants). His reasoning is because he's doing this to be with me.
But truly, I fail to see what role I can play in a relationship he started on his own, a relationship I've tried so hard not to intervene in or get in the way of. He just does not want to feel guilty or take the full responsibility for having to break someone's heart. He just does not have the guts to open his mouth and break up, and he asks me to be there to support him.
In what capacity I don't know. How can I be there and talk to him about what he should do, when he could one day turn back and say to me "I did this all for you! You forced me into breaking up! You were telling me all these things!"?
This entire episode is very telling o what kind of a person my ex is, and it does nothing to quell my doubts and fears about getting back together with him. I sometimes really get the feeling he just does not want to face things, avoids them and wants people to be there to hold and comfort him, when really a lot of things are his own doing. He chose to breakup with me. He chose to start a relationship. He knew fully well a few months into the relationship, and perhaps even before the relationship, things would not work out in the long run. And yet he's not strong enough to let it go, to put an end to things. He's still making the other person believe there is something there, when at the same time making me believe there is a possible future.
There can be no future if he cannot deal with this very issue on his own. There cannot be a future if he cannot have a clean break from the past and really feels ready to move on.
Everything is in his hands now, as I said to him. But he seems to want to take my hand and hold it while he makes up his mind and gathers up his courage...
29 March 2012
Eruption
"Stop pestering me! Stop lecturing me! I'm already so ill, stop lecturing me!"
My heart broke again, not from helplessly seeing her suffer and be in pain, but realising that I am causing her pain. It feels so hurt hearing mum's raised voice and facial expression as if she were about to burst into tears. Not only cancer and her vomiting, not only her mangled thin body and uncontrollable bouts of vomiting is torturing her. I am tormenting her too, I am perhaps making her worse rather than better... Am I a source of her suffering, a reason why she lies there with eyes wide open and is unable to sleep, despite having not slept properly for two days?
The incident, so small and trivial if I think about it, began because she complained of pains. I asked her why she didn't say anything to the doctor who came to visit earlier, why she did not ask for medication to control the pain. It's not the first time, for she is often in discomfort and in pain, and yet when the doctor comes, she doesn't say anything. Only later does she complain of pain and sores.
I can only do so much by massaging her and giving her heat packs, but the doctor can prescribe medicine to soothe the pain.
"Didn't want to ask the doctor for help because the doctor seems so busy...."
"The pain just comes and goes..."
I really cannot understand why she must put up with pain for any period of time. At night, she'd rather wobble unstably to the washroom by herself and risk falling and breaking her bones(or worse!) than wake me up to help her.
Always so considerate of other people, always thinking of others, which shows how soft-hearted and sympathetic ahe is, and yet in the process she swallows all the pain and displeasure inside... (sound familiar? Like mother, like son?)
It infuriates me, a lot, more because I've told her again and again to speak up when she needs help, to talk to the doctors when she does not fully understaffed something... And it hurts me to see her have to suffer unnecessarily, when sometimes all she has to do is ask for help!
I know, I am rude, I am sometimes very impatient and get angry and ugly when I am upset. I know I must control my tempers and be more caring, more bearing... But I just wish mum could ask for help more... Otherwise, what is the point of me being here, watching over her twenty hours a day?
My aunt (mum's youngest sister, bless her!) came to talk to me and cheer me up. She knows well the situation... Mum and I are very alike, and neither wants the other to hurt or be burdened much, but then sometimes conflicts arise as a result...
"Cheer up! We must be more happy and joyous, otherwise she'll feel like everything is so terrible and that she's dragging us all down because she's ill..."
I know... It's hard being ill, it's perhaps the worse possible thing that can happen to a healthy person. Being ill can really erode your self-confidence, your self-worth and dignity, it can rob you of independence and beauty, can cause you to be so mentally exhausted and anguished... And it is up to us, the family, the caregivers, to make her feel loved and cared for, and not to give her more stress, more cause for worry!
My heart broke again, not from helplessly seeing her suffer and be in pain, but realising that I am causing her pain. It feels so hurt hearing mum's raised voice and facial expression as if she were about to burst into tears. Not only cancer and her vomiting, not only her mangled thin body and uncontrollable bouts of vomiting is torturing her. I am tormenting her too, I am perhaps making her worse rather than better... Am I a source of her suffering, a reason why she lies there with eyes wide open and is unable to sleep, despite having not slept properly for two days?
The incident, so small and trivial if I think about it, began because she complained of pains. I asked her why she didn't say anything to the doctor who came to visit earlier, why she did not ask for medication to control the pain. It's not the first time, for she is often in discomfort and in pain, and yet when the doctor comes, she doesn't say anything. Only later does she complain of pain and sores.
I can only do so much by massaging her and giving her heat packs, but the doctor can prescribe medicine to soothe the pain.
"Didn't want to ask the doctor for help because the doctor seems so busy...."
"The pain just comes and goes..."
I really cannot understand why she must put up with pain for any period of time. At night, she'd rather wobble unstably to the washroom by herself and risk falling and breaking her bones(or worse!) than wake me up to help her.
Always so considerate of other people, always thinking of others, which shows how soft-hearted and sympathetic ahe is, and yet in the process she swallows all the pain and displeasure inside... (sound familiar? Like mother, like son?)
It infuriates me, a lot, more because I've told her again and again to speak up when she needs help, to talk to the doctors when she does not fully understaffed something... And it hurts me to see her have to suffer unnecessarily, when sometimes all she has to do is ask for help!
I know, I am rude, I am sometimes very impatient and get angry and ugly when I am upset. I know I must control my tempers and be more caring, more bearing... But I just wish mum could ask for help more... Otherwise, what is the point of me being here, watching over her twenty hours a day?
My aunt (mum's youngest sister, bless her!) came to talk to me and cheer me up. She knows well the situation... Mum and I are very alike, and neither wants the other to hurt or be burdened much, but then sometimes conflicts arise as a result...
"Cheer up! We must be more happy and joyous, otherwise she'll feel like everything is so terrible and that she's dragging us all down because she's ill..."
I know... It's hard being ill, it's perhaps the worse possible thing that can happen to a healthy person. Being ill can really erode your self-confidence, your self-worth and dignity, it can rob you of independence and beauty, can cause you to be so mentally exhausted and anguished... And it is up to us, the family, the caregivers, to make her feel loved and cared for, and not to give her more stress, more cause for worry!
23 January 2012
Tensions
Mum was miserable again. Is it because of the pain she feels still from
her surgery? The doctor said operations on the spine take the longest
time to heal and are perhaps the most painful, for they have to "peel"
back the muscles to get to the spinal column. I saw a picture of that
before, when the young surgeon showed it to me on his iPhone...
Or perhaps mum is miserable and grumpy because of brother's presence? As much happiness and joy my nephew brings, it does not distract from the fact that my brother does nothing at all to help. I ask him to help with the dishes... "Later..." I ask him to massage mum a bit to prevent bed sores, and he looks at me as if that were the strangest request... Just this morning, as he tried to make powdered milk for my nephew, he noticed the hot water kettle was empty. Mum, despite her pain and discomfort from standing up and doing simple chores like washing up, had to haul the kettle with three litres of water in it from the kitchen to the living room...
Privately, mum grumbled to me about how little (or nothing at all...) my brother does. It bothers her greatly, makes so upset she was almost shouting, even though her voice was very weak and broken.
What am I supposed to say...? I know he's busy and he has a baby to take care of, but still he can do other things too, No? I told him already the day to help out more around the house while he's around. I asked him why I have to do much of the housework (my sister-in-law helps out) while he's not around, and even when he's around. What difference does it make him being here if that's the case? He didn't say anything.
She is his mother, just as much as she is his mother... Do I not deserve some time to myself or a break from everything? I wanted to take some time off to retreat into the mountains for a day or two, but now I can't do that because brother will be gone for an entire week, again.
Have I not been doing enough and put all my own things and plans on hold to be here? Just a little help, just a few dishes, just to share the burden of caring and tending to mum's needs... Is that too much to ask?
Or perhaps mum is miserable and grumpy because of brother's presence? As much happiness and joy my nephew brings, it does not distract from the fact that my brother does nothing at all to help. I ask him to help with the dishes... "Later..." I ask him to massage mum a bit to prevent bed sores, and he looks at me as if that were the strangest request... Just this morning, as he tried to make powdered milk for my nephew, he noticed the hot water kettle was empty. Mum, despite her pain and discomfort from standing up and doing simple chores like washing up, had to haul the kettle with three litres of water in it from the kitchen to the living room...
Privately, mum grumbled to me about how little (or nothing at all...) my brother does. It bothers her greatly, makes so upset she was almost shouting, even though her voice was very weak and broken.
What am I supposed to say...? I know he's busy and he has a baby to take care of, but still he can do other things too, No? I told him already the day to help out more around the house while he's around. I asked him why I have to do much of the housework (my sister-in-law helps out) while he's not around, and even when he's around. What difference does it make him being here if that's the case? He didn't say anything.
She is his mother, just as much as she is his mother... Do I not deserve some time to myself or a break from everything? I wanted to take some time off to retreat into the mountains for a day or two, but now I can't do that because brother will be gone for an entire week, again.
Have I not been doing enough and put all my own things and plans on hold to be here? Just a little help, just a few dishes, just to share the burden of caring and tending to mum's needs... Is that too much to ask?
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