The carer

130612.1610

There's been a change of carer since I left, and I met her for the first time yesterday as soon as I walked through the door of Room 20 of Ward 211. She's a middle aged lady originally from (North) Vietnam, and her marriage to a Taiwanese husband brought her here many years ago.

She's probably just ten years or so younger than mum, and has this "motherly" look about her. I found out that she has two children of her own back in Vietnam, a girl who is just about finished high school, and a boy who's working now and doing college at night. So she is a mother, a hard working mother trying to make a living and support her family. I don't like to call her by her name, and instead call her "auntie" I've heard her laugh and talk at times when I call home, and it is interesting to put a face to the voice.

Mum says the carer is very loyal and dedicated. She massages mum whenever mum feels discomfort, she spoonfeeds mum and knows what mum likes and does not like. She really takes care of mum and tries to make her comfortable, which is exactly what mum needs right now. It really is very reassuring, for mum's every need is taken care of. It really is very different from back then, in March and April, when I had to more or less handle everything on my own. Brother has told me once or twice already to let the carer do things, like empty the garbage or wash the dishes, but I'm still not used to that. I really feel strange asking someone else, especially someone older, to do something I could easily do...

To be honest, I feel a bit "left out", because everything is being taken care of by the carer and sometimes I feel like I'm just standing there while she does what I used to do for mum-- ad does it all the better than I ever did or could.

This afternoon, we all sat down around mum and asked the auntie to stay on. We weren't sure if she would be willing, or whether she liked working for/with us. We would like her to stay, so we don't have to go through that whole adjustment process again when the new foreign carer we applied for comes at the end of the month. It really takes time and effort on both sides to get to know habits and to get used to ways of talking and interacting. And frankly, mum needs to be in a stable and secure environment, surrounded by people who she trusts and feels affinity towards. Surrounded by people who know her needs and can accommodate them.

The carer said yes, she would stay on. And there was a sigh of relief. We were all reassured and mum looked at ease.
Though, the carer put her agreement to stay on in such a way that was perhaps too blunt. "There may not be too much time, and I want to stay till the end..." Maybe it's a language issue, words being lost in translation, and I know that is the reality of things, but still, I was afraid of how mum might feel being reminded of that. The carer said she's aware of the situation, and she had proposed it earlier to my sister-in-law, and even declined another job offer because she did not know how long she would be needed.
We just have to try and figure out how to deal with details like retaining her services and see whether we can bypass the agent (human resources agency) so that the carer does not have to have a fee taken away from her salary.

She sits quietly by mum's bed a lot, often massaging mum and every so often asks mum whether she's hungry or thirsty. I may feel a little left out because she's doing a lot of what I used to do, but she's also doing much more. Helping mum get cleaned up, bathing her (with the aid of nurses in this amazing tub that has a " lift" to lower the patient slowly into the water for a deep cleanse...), helping mum use the washroom, emptying the bile that is collecting in the pouch at mum's right side. And the carer cleans and does household chores too, which makes me feel "bad" because she seems to hardly have time to rest.

Her presence is greatly appreciated, and it gives brother and me time take care of other things, and time to cook or buy what mum likes to eat or drink.

On this last stage of the journey, having extra support and someone to take care of mum means so much...

Nth night

How many nights has mum spent at the hospital? How many nights have I slept here with her, waking up every so often to see if she needs anything?

I do not lament my fate, I do not complain what I need to do. I massage mum's back, I rub her shoulders with a gentle smile, and as I do it I wish and hope that the pain she feels will be reduced and that she can sleep well. I take her to the washroom, I "sniff" her to see if she's wet herself (or worse...) because she is my mother, and whatever condition she is in, she deserves to live life comfortably, with dignity and be clean.

One day, I will need to let all of this go. One day, I must learn to turn my back on all this, and let someone else take over. Turning my back on mum does not mean I do not care anymore.

Because I do care, I do care so much because I wish her the best and I wish her to be comfortable and free from suffering. But I have things I must accomplish, I have goals I must pursue, and I must do them for myself, I must do them for mum to see that I can live on my own, and I can take care of myself no matter what.

Sleep, mum, sleep... I'm here only a few steps from you whenever you need me, I'm here for whatever you need, and all you need to do is call my name.

But you and I know one day, I will have to go away, and I hope you will not be too sad. You need only call my name, and I'll be back again.

I'mnot God

For my birthday, my ex gave me a wonderful book titled "Passages in Caregiving". It details stories abd experiences of people whose lives have been transformed by the illness of a loved one.

Coping with calm and wisdom is key, and when suddenly turned into a "caregiver" go through a myriad of fear, anxiety, guilt and the false belief that we can be God and fix everything. But the truth is, caring for a loved one with a debilitating and terminal illness is exhausting, draining of the mind and body. And we need to reach out for help, reach for professional guidance, reach out for emotional support from friends and family, and we need to face the reality that our loved may not get better, may not recover her/his health, and will definitely leave one day on terms we least desire or expect.

A lot of what is discussed i have encountered and am going through right now. And the book is a constant reminder that I am doing the best I can, I really am pushing myself and need to once in a while give myself (and even my mother!) a break from this all. I need to still have my dreams, I need to still pursue my hopes and realise my goals. I still need to eat, rest and take care of myself, because though I may not be able to change mum's health or reverse her inevitable decline toward death, I can saw myself from falling ill, I can build on my dreams and my interests, I can connect with those who are dear in my life, and I can prepare myself for life and living after death...