08 February 2012
"It's hard"
Mum and I have not been to that store for a while, and the store owner was very happy to see us again. Of course, she was surprised to see mum walking so slowly and with great effort, and wearing a neck brace. Mum, with her coarse voice, explained what happened and how she underwent surgery.
After we bought some things and before walking away, the storelady came up to me and gently patted me on the arm. I could have so easily cried hearing what she whispered to me...
"How hard it must be on you... Hang on there. You are a good son."
07 February 2012
Coping...
How has my life benefitted the world in any way today? What did I do that is worthy of mentioning? Cleaning up the apartment? Making mum feel comfortable and cared for? Slicing fruits and reminding mum to take her medical supplements? What did I really do to make me feel at the end of the day, before sleeping: "I have done an honest day's work and can feel so proud of myself?"
I cannot describe how very useless I feel nowadays... How useless and lonely I feel every day. But
I can't complain, especially not to mum. She is sad and already very moody at times because of her long sleepless nights and almost constant pain and bodily discomfort... How could i possibly complain to her about my frustrations and not make her again feel like she is burdening my life?
I wake up, think of what to eat for breakfast, then lunch time swings around, and soon after it's dinner and bed time. Day and night have lost their meaning, work day and weekend have blurred into all the same... I am not lamenting my lot, for mum simply cannot be left alone for long...
But I too want to work, wake up and be part of something, I too want to make a living, relax after a long week of work... I too want to have a close somebody I could turn to and talk about things, or even cry in front of at times. Here I am with mum physically and almost constantly and yet am so very lonely. I can't blame her, for since she lost her voice she doesn't want to talk much any more. And she is often so weak she just sits there or lies there, looking into space. When I talk to her or ask her something, she doesn't respond much. It has come to this...
I don't want to be someone who complains all the time (and this blog for the past few months, weeks has become that: a list of complaints and rants...), for my Worries and sorrows are nothing compared to my mum's constant struggle for life and to stay positive...
But really, I have never known a time in my life when I am so physically and emotionally drained and empty. It's like I have lost the ability to hope, to dream and to tell myself things will be ok soon. It's as if I have lost the ability to know what the purpose of my life and of breathing is. It's like nothing has any meaning, nothing is of any value any more. And to feel this world almost every waking moment is a terrible, terrible torture for my mind and spirit...
I cannot describe how being here, being in this very apartment and having to share the little space, having to sleep on the floor all the time, is testing my patience... I need challenges, I need someone or something who can stimulate me intellectually. And right here, I don't feel anything.
Another early night, another night of listening to mum cough and groan, and twist and turn in bed... What will come of tomorrow...?
I cannot describe how very useless I feel nowadays... How useless and lonely I feel every day. But
I can't complain, especially not to mum. She is sad and already very moody at times because of her long sleepless nights and almost constant pain and bodily discomfort... How could i possibly complain to her about my frustrations and not make her again feel like she is burdening my life?
I wake up, think of what to eat for breakfast, then lunch time swings around, and soon after it's dinner and bed time. Day and night have lost their meaning, work day and weekend have blurred into all the same... I am not lamenting my lot, for mum simply cannot be left alone for long...
But I too want to work, wake up and be part of something, I too want to make a living, relax after a long week of work... I too want to have a close somebody I could turn to and talk about things, or even cry in front of at times. Here I am with mum physically and almost constantly and yet am so very lonely. I can't blame her, for since she lost her voice she doesn't want to talk much any more. And she is often so weak she just sits there or lies there, looking into space. When I talk to her or ask her something, she doesn't respond much. It has come to this...
I don't want to be someone who complains all the time (and this blog for the past few months, weeks has become that: a list of complaints and rants...), for my Worries and sorrows are nothing compared to my mum's constant struggle for life and to stay positive...
But really, I have never known a time in my life when I am so physically and emotionally drained and empty. It's like I have lost the ability to hope, to dream and to tell myself things will be ok soon. It's as if I have lost the ability to know what the purpose of my life and of breathing is. It's like nothing has any meaning, nothing is of any value any more. And to feel this world almost every waking moment is a terrible, terrible torture for my mind and spirit...
I cannot describe how being here, being in this very apartment and having to share the little space, having to sleep on the floor all the time, is testing my patience... I need challenges, I need someone or something who can stimulate me intellectually. And right here, I don't feel anything.
Another early night, another night of listening to mum cough and groan, and twist and turn in bed... What will come of tomorrow...?
06 February 2012
What do you want me to do?
"What do you want me to do? I can't do anything."
I just wanted to talk, just hoped I could talk to someone who could listen to me. Never once has my brother asked me how I'm coping, whether I need some support or comforting. Never did he ask about those first few days and weeks at the hospital, how terribly tiring and draining it was, or whether I needed help taking care of mum. It's as if it's my job, my sole duty, as if I don't have a life, as if I don't have dreams and wishes I would like to fulfill.
Did I not have plans to start working and start preparing for my exams? Do I not long for some semblance of stability and calm in my life, something I've so craved for for four long years (or longer)? His response to my attempt to talk about mum's worsening health condition sounded like I'm causing him trouble. "What do you want me to say? There nothing I can do." He was using his computer as he said that.
By this time next week, he will be long gone. And I will be here all alone to face all this, to shoulder the responsibility for mum's life and health. Will he see her again after he boards that plane in few days? Who will clean up the mess every-time mum throws up? Who will do the cooking and try to make sure she does not lose several kilograms again? Who will hold her hand, touch her shoulder and look her in the eye and tell her not to be afraid...?
I know my brother cannot do anything. I can imagine he is hemmed in and has a family to provide for, and that he has his own worries and needs to take care of. He has a family, a wife and a child, a mortgage and is financially tied down. But just a kind word, just something along the lines of "I appreciate what you're doing.." or "Hang on there..." is enough. But maybe it's too much too ask for.
"Mum is very, very lonely. And she's very depressed. She's often told me she wants to give it all up. That's why I ask you to contact her as often as possible..." I barely reminded my brother our mum doesn't have much time left... Somethings are known, and need not be said. And he knows it. My brother told me how very busy he is at work and cannot call. I do not doubt he is busy. But... "Not even five minutes of your break to call?" Then he said using skype via 3G has connection issues and bad reception. But I often call using 3G Internet, and it seems to work well...
He looked irritated at what I was saying. Perhaps deep down, he is feeling remorse and regret already that he's not done so much for mum... Perhaps he wishes deep down he could do much more and fulfill his duties as a filial and caring son... But I cannot know what he thinking. Perhaps the calm and nonchalance are but a facade masking his real pain and real feelings.
I went to bed already... In my mind again is the sense of disbelieve and frustration, the latter accentuated by my own brother's complacency to it all... Perhaps it is his way of coping, of shielding himself away from harm an unhappiness and shielding himself from remorse... But I just wish one day he will wake up and realise it's not too late, and to be more flexible and accepting if change and circumstances...
But brother is the way he is...
I just wanted to talk, just hoped I could talk to someone who could listen to me. Never once has my brother asked me how I'm coping, whether I need some support or comforting. Never did he ask about those first few days and weeks at the hospital, how terribly tiring and draining it was, or whether I needed help taking care of mum. It's as if it's my job, my sole duty, as if I don't have a life, as if I don't have dreams and wishes I would like to fulfill.
Did I not have plans to start working and start preparing for my exams? Do I not long for some semblance of stability and calm in my life, something I've so craved for for four long years (or longer)? His response to my attempt to talk about mum's worsening health condition sounded like I'm causing him trouble. "What do you want me to say? There nothing I can do." He was using his computer as he said that.
By this time next week, he will be long gone. And I will be here all alone to face all this, to shoulder the responsibility for mum's life and health. Will he see her again after he boards that plane in few days? Who will clean up the mess every-time mum throws up? Who will do the cooking and try to make sure she does not lose several kilograms again? Who will hold her hand, touch her shoulder and look her in the eye and tell her not to be afraid...?
I know my brother cannot do anything. I can imagine he is hemmed in and has a family to provide for, and that he has his own worries and needs to take care of. He has a family, a wife and a child, a mortgage and is financially tied down. But just a kind word, just something along the lines of "I appreciate what you're doing.." or "Hang on there..." is enough. But maybe it's too much too ask for.
"Mum is very, very lonely. And she's very depressed. She's often told me she wants to give it all up. That's why I ask you to contact her as often as possible..." I barely reminded my brother our mum doesn't have much time left... Somethings are known, and need not be said. And he knows it. My brother told me how very busy he is at work and cannot call. I do not doubt he is busy. But... "Not even five minutes of your break to call?" Then he said using skype via 3G has connection issues and bad reception. But I often call using 3G Internet, and it seems to work well...
He looked irritated at what I was saying. Perhaps deep down, he is feeling remorse and regret already that he's not done so much for mum... Perhaps he wishes deep down he could do much more and fulfill his duties as a filial and caring son... But I cannot know what he thinking. Perhaps the calm and nonchalance are but a facade masking his real pain and real feelings.
I went to bed already... In my mind again is the sense of disbelieve and frustration, the latter accentuated by my own brother's complacency to it all... Perhaps it is his way of coping, of shielding himself away from harm an unhappiness and shielding himself from remorse... But I just wish one day he will wake up and realise it's not too late, and to be more flexible and accepting if change and circumstances...
But brother is the way he is...
02 February 2012
pushing too much?
Do I really care and want the best for my mum? Am I pushing mum too much
and telling her what's best for her? Am I running her life for her as I
see it should be lived? How is it that I cannot shake away the idea
that I seem to be deciding things for her, from her upcoming treatment
(with her consultation and consent over the phone before I signed the
agreement to proceed...) to whether or not to proceed with further
treatment, and now her decision whether to move to a whole new city...?
How much responsibility must I shoulder should everything become
horribly awry? Will I he able to live with myself and live with the
consequences of making her choose?
I mean her well, I really do. Of course, I cannot hide the fact that if she is in the new city where there are a lot more people who are relatives and more than just acquaintances, that would take a lot of burden off of my shoulders. But that does not mean I will shrug off all my responsibilities and just leave my mum to the care of others. I mean well, and I just hope in this final stage of her life, she can live and enjoy it in a secure and comfortable environment, in the proximity of people she knows, people she is comfortable with, people who cab offer various kinds of support and guidance, assurance and comfort. I think she will have a better chance of finding that in Taichung, the prospective new city. As she told me today, "Taipei is a cold (冷漠）place..."
Her words, not mine.
I mean her well, I really do. Of course, I cannot hide the fact that if she is in the new city where there are a lot more people who are relatives and more than just acquaintances, that would take a lot of burden off of my shoulders. But that does not mean I will shrug off all my responsibilities and just leave my mum to the care of others. I mean well, and I just hope in this final stage of her life, she can live and enjoy it in a secure and comfortable environment, in the proximity of people she knows, people she is comfortable with, people who cab offer various kinds of support and guidance, assurance and comfort. I think she will have a better chance of finding that in Taichung, the prospective new city. As she told me today, "Taipei is a cold (冷漠）place..."
Her words, not mine.
Lantern Festival
A full moon hangs in the sky, the first full moon after the lunar new year. Seeing the full moon always reminds me of my first relationship for some reason. Perhaps it because of the shape and brightness of the full moon, a symbol of perfect roundness, of unity and completeness. I sometimes get melancholy when I look up and see the moon, as I did tonight...
There was a song which touched my heart when I was very little. A song about longing and separation. And I heard that song in my head tonight...
Somewhere out there, under the full moon is someone for me. Imagine that, imagine the magic and possibility that we could perhaps be looking at the moon at this very moment... In any case, we are sleeping under the same moon, under the same full, bright moon...
Somewhere out there is someone who will one day soothe my tears when they fall, who will touch me when I need comforting, who will hold me when I am weak and down... I just have not met that person yet.
01 February 2012
Medium
I didn't say a word. Not a single word about who I am or what is wrong with mum.
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
"Oh, with her, it's very deep." Meaning advanced.
"What do you mean by that?" my friend asked.
"It's in the final stages."
Throughout the conversation I did not say a word. I was half suspicious, half curious. A medium who could know what is wrong with you just through the telephone? A medium who could heal even from afar and know what ails a little girl living in another country, a girl the medium has never ever met before? And now, this medium, just by talking with my friend could know about my mum's condition and where exactly her tumour is?
Believe it or not, there are stranger mysteries and unexplained phenomenon in the world. The medium says the universe has given her a gift, and she just wants to help people, make people live better, fuller lives. She's just a simple peasant who one day discovered she had the ability to know what is affecting someone's health or mind, and she has the ability to somehow 'heal'.
"Don't do any more treatment. She's already terribly weak. Just feel her right hand, there is so little energy left." How could the medium who has never ever met my mother know that? Unless my friend spoke to her before she called the medium...
"Stop taking medicine. It'll reduce her life. At most she has a year, maybe two."
Whatever the explanation, one thing is for sure, there isn't much time left. Mum indeed is very frail, very weak. More treatment, more medicine will eventually kill her, perhaps quicker than the cancer will. As I said to her before, why spent the remaining days of your life in a hospital? Why spend the final stage of your journey on earth facing doctors, facing medical equipment, ad having your life be regulated by chemicals and medicine? Life is more than that, much more than that...
"She should move. It'll prolong her life a little. It's best for her to move." How did the medium coincidentally say something that we were already planning?
The phone conversation ended, and I said nothing except a very faint thank you at the end. I will probably never see this lady ever. I did not pay anything, did not give her anything.
There are signs along the way. Sometimes it's a matter of whether you want to heed them
Helping another, helping yourself
Why is it that wherever I go I am surrounded by people who need help? Or am i just too nosy and care too much about other people's issues and wellbeing?
My mother needs my physical presence and emotional support to recover... my cousin needs my English training and also counselling to overcome her fears of failing her english proficiency teat, and the breakdown of her two year relationship... my brother needs me to reassure him about mum's condition and tell him not worry too much and just go back to work because I'll stay around as long as
I can... And then there's the monk, who seems to have lost all spark of life and motivation to do anything...
I'll always try to do the best I can to help, extend my hand if needed, lend an ear if I can just listen...
But who can I turn to when I have the need to cry or release my frustrations? Who can I turn to and not feel like I am taking up their time and burdening them?
My ex/ best friend earlier implied that I cause him such unhappiness and tears... And the monk I used to be able to open my heart to is himself in emotional turmoil... And of course, I don't really believe dad is going to reply to my mail anytime soon! So who can I turn to, but you, my dear blog and all you faceless readers out there...?
Find strength within... And I will one day be stronger, braver than ever before.
Deserving more
And it wasn't the first time someone said that to me.
"If he's happy with his new life, why shouldn't you be? Let go, free yourself. You deserve more than this..."
31 January 2012
Not the same
31012012.2317
Not the same
I've been coming to the monastery in the mountains for over six years. When I first arrived, there was such spirit, such energy. Everyday there were many chores to do, errands to run, translation work to be done. There was barely any dull moment. The monk soon became a close friend and confidante, a father figure, someone I could go to for advice about Buddhist teachings and practice, someone who inspired and lived life as a model for many to aspire to.
Two years ago, the monastery's managing person passed away. The monk was and has been devastated. Today, I can still see the hurt in his eyes when I talk about cancer and its effects on my mum. Today I can see moist eyes when I describe the utter fatigue and emotional drain mum's current condition is having on me.
The monk is no longer as colourful and chatty as before. Perhaps age too has taken away part of the life from him. But I know, I can sense, that the loss of his disciple was devastating and broke the monk apart. I know he is still lingering in his mind about the past. What exactly I cannot know, and I dare not ask too much because it's all so very personal and raw. And I respect him greatly, have such great reverence toward him for all the wisdom he has shared with me...
"I'm sorry it's all so difficult..." I said at one point when I realised talking about my mum's treatment and her hospitalisation changed the look on the monk's face... We sat a while in silence before I changed the topic.
I wish I could reach him, and that he could open up to me and share with me his pain, even after these two years. But I know he won't, because he's a monk, and monk's are supposed to be able to weather emotional turbulence and mental distress and come of it all having dealt with and overcome death. And because of this, a place where I thought I could unwind and release my feelings feels now more distant... Maybe I too have changed over the years, and cannot always expect to come here and relieve those happy and carefree moments years ago. People change, circumstances change, feelings change. But whether monk or laypersons, we are all human beings with feelings, human beings who hurt, who cry, who need care and human compassion and understanding...
We all have our personal pains to deal with, we all have our wounds to heal, and pasts to mend and overcome. The monk is facing his, and from what I can see, from others who are close to his life tell me, he has steadily been dragged deep down into depression and lethargy...
I too have my lesson in death to face in the eventual loss of my mother. How will I respond? Will I too turn people away and just want to close my eyes and rest and rest and rest? Will I too recluse myself and be too tired and unmotivated to do anything worthy of mention...? Time will tell.
I only hope I will be strong and collected when that day comes, and when I am alone on this world... But for now, I only hope I can say something, maybe do something, to help the monk who has inspired me all these years, and who has been my guide and compass through difficulties and pains. Help him walk away from the darkness of the past, help him rediscover and reconnect the way things are...
Help him be a light and strength onto himself...
Not the same
I've been coming to the monastery in the mountains for over six years. When I first arrived, there was such spirit, such energy. Everyday there were many chores to do, errands to run, translation work to be done. There was barely any dull moment. The monk soon became a close friend and confidante, a father figure, someone I could go to for advice about Buddhist teachings and practice, someone who inspired and lived life as a model for many to aspire to.
Two years ago, the monastery's managing person passed away. The monk was and has been devastated. Today, I can still see the hurt in his eyes when I talk about cancer and its effects on my mum. Today I can see moist eyes when I describe the utter fatigue and emotional drain mum's current condition is having on me.
The monk is no longer as colourful and chatty as before. Perhaps age too has taken away part of the life from him. But I know, I can sense, that the loss of his disciple was devastating and broke the monk apart. I know he is still lingering in his mind about the past. What exactly I cannot know, and I dare not ask too much because it's all so very personal and raw. And I respect him greatly, have such great reverence toward him for all the wisdom he has shared with me...
"I'm sorry it's all so difficult..." I said at one point when I realised talking about my mum's treatment and her hospitalisation changed the look on the monk's face... We sat a while in silence before I changed the topic.
I wish I could reach him, and that he could open up to me and share with me his pain, even after these two years. But I know he won't, because he's a monk, and monk's are supposed to be able to weather emotional turbulence and mental distress and come of it all having dealt with and overcome death. And because of this, a place where I thought I could unwind and release my feelings feels now more distant... Maybe I too have changed over the years, and cannot always expect to come here and relieve those happy and carefree moments years ago. People change, circumstances change, feelings change. But whether monk or laypersons, we are all human beings with feelings, human beings who hurt, who cry, who need care and human compassion and understanding...
We all have our personal pains to deal with, we all have our wounds to heal, and pasts to mend and overcome. The monk is facing his, and from what I can see, from others who are close to his life tell me, he has steadily been dragged deep down into depression and lethargy...
I too have my lesson in death to face in the eventual loss of my mother. How will I respond? Will I too turn people away and just want to close my eyes and rest and rest and rest? Will I too recluse myself and be too tired and unmotivated to do anything worthy of mention...? Time will tell.
I only hope I will be strong and collected when that day comes, and when I am alone on this world... But for now, I only hope I can say something, maybe do something, to help the monk who has inspired me all these years, and who has been my guide and compass through difficulties and pains. Help him walk away from the darkness of the past, help him rediscover and reconnect the way things are...
Help him be a light and strength onto himself...
30 January 2012
Proposal
30012012.1542
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
Woke up extremely early, just after six to make breakfast. As she has plans to take extensive scans of her body, the nurse said she cannot eat anything after seven in the morning.
Mum ate, a bowl of congee with some greens and stir-fried egg and tomatoes in soy sauce, and some nuts.
Within ten minutes everything came out again...
I could eat no more, and my face became glum and heavy. My stomach started to churn, in the way it does when I'm under extreme levels of stress and worry. Last night just before bed she threw up. And now just after bed mum throws up again... Is it something I cooked? Is it because it's not good enough? I became upset... Very upset and moody seeing her like that. I know it does not help the situation at all. And what made it worse was that she kept apologising...
"I'm sorry for throwing up... I'm sorry for being like this..." As if she can help herself... As if she chooses to be this ill and unwell. Nobody, nobody in their right mind, would choose to be afflicted with cancer.
Nobody!
Mum's apologies were perhaps more upsetting than watching her throw up and bend over the toilet bowl. And every time, after she is done, I would go hose everything down and clean up any "mess" left behind.
My hurt and sadness turned to anger, not directed at her, but at the situation, at my own helplessness... I know, rationally and fundamentally I know it does not help to loose my calm and composure. I know I cannot possibly being around mum, who needs support and kindness, whenever she feels so unwell and sick. But after a month of constantly being there at her side, I cannot help but lose "it"... "Forgive me," I said, "I'm so moody and agitated these days, and everything is too much."
I was not angry or frustrated at get, but at the fact that I try and I try to make her feel better, I try and I try to cool her a decent meal with all the necessary nutrients and anti-oxidants, and nothing stays in her stomach. Her body, perhaps her cancer seems to reject everything in the last week almost... Reject and eject everything out of her mouth, making her feel so very sick and frail afterwards...
Naturally I called the hospital to call off the planned appointment for scans and tests. Once again, postponed to next week, the second postponement because mum simply is too weak to undergo further treatment...
I was so tired I fell asleep. For sleep is the only safe refuge I cab seek and find these days... Sleep and write and rave about everything I am experiencing now, about everything that is causing me such traumatic stress and a terribly headache.
"Go, go away for a few days..." mum said to me when I woke up again.
I was reluctant, but I know I need to. I am causing her pain to be in this extremely agitated and frustrated framework of mind. I even disgust myself with the anger and frustration I feel deep inside seeing mum so sick and in so much pain...
As brother will be around for two days, I decided it was time to go. Time for me to get away from it all and refresh my mind, rejuvenate my spirit. Immersed in such a high stress and at times deeply personal and helpless situation is extremely damaging to my mental and physical health. I can feel it...
Besides, it's time to give brother and mum some time alone, and in a way for him to see what it is I have been facing everyday for yhr past month, every few months for the past four years...
1657
I dozed off and when I woke up, it was almost time to get off. I looked outside the window, and in the not too far off distance was the city. I never really noticed how modern it has become, Taichung. So many skyscrapers, crowded in an urban sprawl, and in the background, mountains of central taiwan.
Did this city suddenly have more of an appeal to me now? Before, it was merely a place where I transferred on my way to the mountains. Recently, it is the hometown of my sister-in-law and her extended family. Could it be my new hometown?
In one of those rare occasions, mum, brother and I had a chance to be together and talk. We did that last night after dinner, and it was then that brother proposed to mum to relocate to Taichung.
"That way, you'll be closer to [my sister-in-law's] relatives, and they can check up on you more regularly..."
It was a great idea, one i was grateful for, and perhaps the most meaningful way brother has contributed to mum's road to recovery. Mum seemed moved by that proposal. She needs a whole new start in life, especially if after the (now postponed) cyberknife treatment she does not wish to continue with any more treatment. Mum really has to leave taipei, leave the dreadfully crowded and polluted place and the wet climate of the north and go somewhere where the temperature is the mildest in the country. Mum really needs to leave behind the neighbourhood, which for the past few years, and even before that when dad was still alive, has been filled with memories of hospitals and doctor's appointments. Besides, Taichung is a place where she spent her university years, and though much has changed in the past three decades, I remember her telling me that she enjoyed those years there.
It doesn't have to be a permanent move, for she could just rent a place and see how things go. My sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, and they have been very willing ever since my brother got married to help mum. When mum and my brother's mother-in-law spoke yesterday, they said they could already start looking for a place. Of course most likely I'd have to spend some time looking at apartments on mum's behalf, but I don't mind that if in the end mum is in a city where there are many more people who can look out for her. And as my sister-in-law's family know a lot of people, they can easily find mum a carer who can come every other day or so to help mum with her household chores and even keep her company. At the moment, being in Taipei, there really is no one who is close enough, and there really is no reason keeping mum there. And mum does not need a full-time maid who is there all the time, for she is still mobile and can do most things on her own.
Of course, she would have to change hospitals, but she wanted to do that anyways because she feels her main physician has in recent times been less courteous, especially as mum went to operate on her spine with a surgeon not on her main physician's recommendation. But that is just petty rivalry between big egos and mum does not need to get worse health care and attention just because of that...
The proposal to move sounds very tempting, and very assuring. Being surrounded by relatives (for that's what my sister-in-law's family are now...) has benefits in that mum can be less lonely, will have people she can interact with and help her if need be. And she will be much closer to the countryside, to the monastery She likes to visit, so she can go more regularly and be inspired and encouraged by the monk's teachings. In Taipei, where she is now, there is her one or two close friends, who only come around once in a while. Otherwise, mum spends most of her time alone at home, watching tv or in front of te computer...she tells me she is frustrated and lonely, and I can see it, I can feel it...
It remains to be seen whether the plan will work out. "Move for yourself, only because you want to, not because you feel like it's best for my sake," I said to her. Part of me is afraid she is moving because she does not want me come back here to be with her, and that by moving I can be more assured she is surrounded by people who can care for her more and more often.
So it remains to be seen if it'll all work out. But I smiled at the proposal, and hopefully it will bring mum positive new changes and a new start in life.
29 January 2012
Treatment or not?
A new treatment may be about to begin today, mum's last hope as far as the spine is concerned.
But she does not want to go. She has been sleeping poorly, and threw up again this morning after the breakfast I made...
She is physically weak, and I think mentally dreading the treatment...
Another sleepless night
30012012.0216
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
Two in the morning, and mum is experiencing severe bouts of coughing, making it difficult for her to fall asleep. Just before bed, she threw up, two, three times. Everything I cooked, everything she ate thinking it'll give her a boost of nutrients and restore her energy level, came pouring out of her mouth. It was a sorry and painful sight to bear...
Already the fifth night that she has been unable to sleep well, and when she does sleep, it's only for a few hours. As I sleep right on the floor next to her bed, I can hear if she's stirring or still awake ( though admittedly, I've been so exhausted I fall sleep through...).
Is it because of her cold, or is it something more fundamental related to her cancer? Throwing up is one of the symptoms of cancer spreading. That and constant fatigue, which she also has, even though she is unable to fall asleep for long. She tells me every time she coughs, her surgical wounds hurt terribly. So not just the coughing but also her pains are keeping her awake. Painkillers are not working... Or is it because she's not taking them?
Never before, as far as I know, has she used sleep inducers. and today she requested it to be given to her so she can take it before sleep.
But so far, there has been little effect...
Unwell
All these posts about people and happenings in my life, a change of perspective and turning the attention to me now... Me, whom I've neglected time and again, and rarely really take care.
The long breakup and loss of my best friend and mum's deteriorating health have together really caused me much pain and anxiety over the past year. And for the past four years, there have been other misfortunes and worries along the way... the loss of my dear dad, the loss of my "mother" in the Netherlands, the loss of a close friend, and now confronting my uncle's imminent passing (all because of cancer...), combined with my own unstable and undecided future. All these reasons, external and internal influences, combine to make me feel like my world is so disturbed and insecure...
Never before, I don't think, have I felt such stress, such emotional pain that often manifests into physical discomfort... at the back of my head, in my bowels, in my back, around my hips. Sometimes, the pain is sudden and sharp, and it goes away after a while. Right now, after an evening of watching mum in great, great discomfort and throwing up two, three times made my stomach churn...
I know I take too much to heart. I tell others to laugh at things, even the most difficult things in life, and I should heed my own advice at times. But I feel as if there are so many, too many, things I should do something about. And yet I am powerless to do or say anything to affect change or influence things. It creates much stress and tensions within, makes me sleep so badly at night, makes me moody and mentally drained... And I feel, perhaps due to some morbid sense of paranoia, as if something is 'growing' inside of me, as if all the traumatic experiences and feelings, the accumulated fatigue and emotional depression and hurt, might feed the growth of malignant cells...
Yes, sometimes when I hurt in my bowels, or at the back of my head, or on my skull, I see images of my own body. Images like those of the scans I have of mum, which I have stored on my computer... images of 'grey areas' growing on the bone... haunting images of 'dark areas' compressing on the nerves and muscles... I see myself, or imagine things, growing... Stress, long term depression, and exposure to traumatic experiences of seeing a loved one sick and become more sick are very toxic cocktails for the anyone's body and mind.
How do I de-stress? How do I worry and fear less? I try to meditate... I try to calm down and breathe... Who can take my anxieties and stop me trembling when I do, help me feel reassured and safe? Who can I turn to, but here, to the faceless, unknown reader who, from a safe distance, reads this depressing account of a lost boy's life woes and worries?
People tell me again and again to take care of myself. They remind me if I fall ill, who will take care of my mother?
I must not fall ill, I must not succumb to any illness or disease of any kind. Mental or physical, and certainly not the illness I fear the most: cancer!
I must be strong, stay strong, and weather the emotional and physical turbulences that come my way!
For if I fall ill, who will take care of me?
The long breakup and loss of my best friend and mum's deteriorating health have together really caused me much pain and anxiety over the past year. And for the past four years, there have been other misfortunes and worries along the way... the loss of my dear dad, the loss of my "mother" in the Netherlands, the loss of a close friend, and now confronting my uncle's imminent passing (all because of cancer...), combined with my own unstable and undecided future. All these reasons, external and internal influences, combine to make me feel like my world is so disturbed and insecure...
Never before, I don't think, have I felt such stress, such emotional pain that often manifests into physical discomfort... at the back of my head, in my bowels, in my back, around my hips. Sometimes, the pain is sudden and sharp, and it goes away after a while. Right now, after an evening of watching mum in great, great discomfort and throwing up two, three times made my stomach churn...
I know I take too much to heart. I tell others to laugh at things, even the most difficult things in life, and I should heed my own advice at times. But I feel as if there are so many, too many, things I should do something about. And yet I am powerless to do or say anything to affect change or influence things. It creates much stress and tensions within, makes me sleep so badly at night, makes me moody and mentally drained... And I feel, perhaps due to some morbid sense of paranoia, as if something is 'growing' inside of me, as if all the traumatic experiences and feelings, the accumulated fatigue and emotional depression and hurt, might feed the growth of malignant cells...
Yes, sometimes when I hurt in my bowels, or at the back of my head, or on my skull, I see images of my own body. Images like those of the scans I have of mum, which I have stored on my computer... images of 'grey areas' growing on the bone... haunting images of 'dark areas' compressing on the nerves and muscles... I see myself, or imagine things, growing... Stress, long term depression, and exposure to traumatic experiences of seeing a loved one sick and become more sick are very toxic cocktails for the anyone's body and mind.
How do I de-stress? How do I worry and fear less? I try to meditate... I try to calm down and breathe... Who can take my anxieties and stop me trembling when I do, help me feel reassured and safe? Who can I turn to, but here, to the faceless, unknown reader who, from a safe distance, reads this depressing account of a lost boy's life woes and worries?
People tell me again and again to take care of myself. They remind me if I fall ill, who will take care of my mother?
I must not fall ill, I must not succumb to any illness or disease of any kind. Mental or physical, and certainly not the illness I fear the most: cancer!
I must be strong, stay strong, and weather the emotional and physical turbulences that come my way!
For if I fall ill, who will take care of me?
28 January 2012
Two mosquitoes...
Please forgive me for killing you...
It has been a long time since I last consciously killed something. I felt terrible to see the blood splash in my palms. I felt terrible seeing your dead corpse fall from my hand...
I know it's no excuse, but I just want mum and brother to sleep well and not be disturbed during the night. Mum has already so much difficulty sleeping, and is already of such poor health, she needs good rest...
Please forgive me, and go reincarnate into a greater being...
It has been a long time since I last consciously killed something. I felt terrible to see the blood splash in my palms. I felt terrible seeing your dead corpse fall from my hand...
I know it's no excuse, but I just want mum and brother to sleep well and not be disturbed during the night. Mum has already so much difficulty sleeping, and is already of such poor health, she needs good rest...
Please forgive me, and go reincarnate into a greater being...
Talk
It's rare that brother and I have time to really talk these days, especially as we live on different parts of the world. Even though he's been back for almost a month, most of the time he is away in his in-law's city, or sitting in front of the television.
The last time we had a heart-to-heart was probably just after dad passed away and around the same time when mum began her first chemotherapy treatments. That was already four years ago. Again, sickness and death brings people together...
I sat down on the floor and began what I wanted to say about mum's condition. He listened t what I had to say about stopping treatment and just "letting things be". And he threw the question back at me: "What's going to happen then?"
I honestly do not know what will happen. The worse case scenario is that the cancer will start to spread dramatically, and there will come a point when mum will experience terrible pain. But between then, if and when 'then' comes, and now, at least mum can enjoy a relatively quiet life and not have to pop into the hospital every two weeks for treatments, appointments and the nausea and misery after the treatments.
Brother listened to me as I told him how mum has on numerous occasions told me about her intention to "end this all", about how the continuing treatments are eroding her will to live and tiring her (and tiring me too...). I reminded him that it was four years she went through chemo after chemo, and how every few months for the past four years, I come back to be with her. I reminded him that ever since her retirement last year, she has been doing treatment... December, March, April to June, two months of travelling and then resuming treatment again in September, until December, until her recent surgery.
If this does not mentally and physically erode someone's spirit and body, what will?
"What's going to happen when she stops treatment?"
I can't say...
But he believes she should continue with it all.
The last time we had a heart-to-heart was probably just after dad passed away and around the same time when mum began her first chemotherapy treatments. That was already four years ago. Again, sickness and death brings people together...
I sat down on the floor and began what I wanted to say about mum's condition. He listened t what I had to say about stopping treatment and just "letting things be". And he threw the question back at me: "What's going to happen then?"
I honestly do not know what will happen. The worse case scenario is that the cancer will start to spread dramatically, and there will come a point when mum will experience terrible pain. But between then, if and when 'then' comes, and now, at least mum can enjoy a relatively quiet life and not have to pop into the hospital every two weeks for treatments, appointments and the nausea and misery after the treatments.
Brother listened to me as I told him how mum has on numerous occasions told me about her intention to "end this all", about how the continuing treatments are eroding her will to live and tiring her (and tiring me too...). I reminded him that it was four years she went through chemo after chemo, and how every few months for the past four years, I come back to be with her. I reminded him that ever since her retirement last year, she has been doing treatment... December, March, April to June, two months of travelling and then resuming treatment again in September, until December, until her recent surgery.
If this does not mentally and physically erode someone's spirit and body, what will?
"What's going to happen when she stops treatment?"
I can't say...
But he believes she should continue with it all.
Rest in peace...
"People have to live their lives anticipating separation..."I could not help but cry. I wrote about Beany (豆豆）about two years ago. Headline news today: "Little Cancer Warrior Beany left".
Reading the story touched me very much. The nine-year old boy has been in and out of hospital for three years battling neurblastoma, a rare form of cancer that affects the nervous system in children and infants. He never cried in front of his parents, he never complained of hardship and wanting to give up in front of his parents, for fear of hurting his parents. Just before he left this world, he told his mother he did not feel his illness will get better, and when it comes to that day "please do not be sad everyone!"
What is amazing about this boy is his optimism and care for the wellbeing of other people. Even when he was really unwell, he would ask how his brother and his sister are doing. He told his classmates who came to visit at the hospital to save a seat for him for the day he returns. And in order to help cover medical expenses, he was often seen at the side of the road helping his parents sell sweets and candy. Again and again, the family refused to accept donations from people, even when Beany's condition caught the news media.
Dozens of chemotherapies, several surgeries later, cancer still won and took this little, brave angel away from this world.
What was the purpose of his brief nine years on this world?
Perhaps to inspire other children, for his struggles and life story has become a chapter in the local school curriculum.
What was the meaning of all those treatments and pain he had to undergo?
Perhaps to show his parents, his siblings the meaning of love and how it can bring together a family, even facing the direst of circumstances.
In those final hours, the nurses who have spent months taking care of this beautiful, bold boy sang the song to him: "Can only miss you"..
Rest in peace, Beany... A lot of people have been touched by your courage and your innocence. You have given me another reason to be strong, to care, and to love, no matter what...
(translation mine)
Love, lost love cannot be asked back.
I still have words I want to say to you,
[I] cannot bare to say them, [I] cannot say them in time.
The words at parting are the most difficult to come out of the mouth.
You will find new life,
I will collect my sadness,
Believe everything was worth it.
Let go and go!
I wish you good fortune and happiness
Fly freely with angels at your side.
Let go and leave!
Except for remembering the radiance of your smile and voice,
[I] can only miss you…
27 January 2012
Ill
I was gone less than 12hours, and came home to mum sick and coughing horribly, throwing up and producing large quantities of phlegm. Already past midnight, and she cannot fall asleep, and neither can I.
Another late night, even though I am so physically and emotionally drained from my trip earlier in the day. It really was not easy... Not easy to again be on the brink of losing someone close in my life, someone who was a part of my childhood and an integral part of those carefree summer days in the countryside of southern Taiwan...
With treatment planned in two days, mum cannot afford to fall ill. Just yesterday, she told me she wants to delay the new treatment yet again, because she is not feeling up to it.
I am not sure if that will be a good idea, as the doctor seemed really eager to want to conduct the new treatment as soon as possible, perhaps fearing if not done soon, the target areas may become too big for the treatment to be effective.
Countdown to Monday begins...
With treatment planned in two days, mum cannot afford to fall ill. Just yesterday, she told me she wants to delay the new treatment yet again, because she is not feeling up to it.
I am not sure if that will be a good idea, as the doctor seemed really eager to want to conduct the new treatment as soon as possible, perhaps fearing if not done soon, the target areas may become too big for the treatment to be effective.
Countdown to Monday begins...
One day return
11.02
South of the Juoshui Creek, outside the window is the vast countryside. The sky is much clearer, and cleaner, as if an hour's train ride later I find myself in another country. A more tranquil and familiar country.
A one day trip to my parents' hometown of Chiayi to meet relatives from both sides of the family. My Brother and sister-in-law, and baby nephew, are meeting me at the destination station. In fact, I saw them board at a midway stop, a city where they have been for the past couple of days to be with my sister-in-law's family.
Having lunch with mum's side of the family, and then dinner with dad's side. Then taking a late evening train to be back in Taipei for bed. Before I left, mum was still in bed, having been slept poorly the night before from coughing. The cold spell and her weak Health has caused the first symptoms of the flu to manifest. I too slept terribly, and only managed to doze off at four or so, and having to wake up at eight...
A long day begins.
A one day return trip.
"One day we will all return to where we came from"...
--
20.20
A long day is almost ending, now hurtling at close to 300km/hr northward toward Taipei.
I am tired, and my stomach is churning terribly from the stress of trying to catch the high speed train. My nephew was crying and howling almost the whole way to the train station, as he has been out the whole day and must be grumpy from not being able to rest.
It has been a full day, meeting a lot of people, and for my nephew it must have been strenuous having so many people incessantly poking their faces close to his, and wanting to hold him. And for the first time, my nephew, the first child of the next generation of my family, appeared at the home of my grandparents and paid respects to the ancestral shrine. It was a momentous event in a culture that values greatly paying homage to the elders, that values family ties and the continuation of the family lineage. The black and white picture of my grandpa and grandma (my dad's parents) looked down at my brother holding his little baby. Was it me, or did the portraits look particularly happy at that very moment? Were I alone, I would have burst out in tears of joy from how that moment again touched my heart so profoundly.
Lunch and dinner are just occasions to get everyone together, and to let everyone see my nephew for the first time. I ate little, just enough to fill my stomach, while the rest of the time listened to others speak and tried to fill others in on mum's condition. "Where is mum?" they would ask, and I, as the spokesperson of sorts, would have to answer how mum is not well and briefly explain the past four weeks. I spared the details. I know people care, and people like to know. What use are details but the finer lines and shades of a broader picture that more or less speaks for itself?
"When are you going back to Canada?" or some variation on the same theme, was a common question. "I don't know. Depends on mum's condition..." For the past four years or so, this seems to have become my standard answer every time someone asks when I am leaving again.
My dad's youngest brother, never one to be careful and tactful with words, told me, twice, three times, no less: "Your mum's condition is very bad. She doesn't have long. Come back here and take care of her."
I replied with a forced smile, not one that is happy or sad, not one that agreed or disagreed, but one that was a mere polite acknowledgement that I heard what he said.
Lunch and dinner were mere occasions to get people together. But the one person I really wanted to see, but did not manage to, was my uncle (dad's older sister's husband). News of him is vague. Last i heard, my uncle's thyroid gland was the epicentre of his spreading cancer. "One month, or two," a cousin of mine, who happens to be a nurse, said, "Very quick..."
My uncle was discharged from hospital this morning, and returned home after a five week stay, almost two weeks longer than my mum. He even stayed over during first few days of the lunar new year holidays, underlying the direness of his condition, for only intensive care units remain open suing this period.
I spoke to my aunt (his wife) briefly, and she said it was not convenient to visit. I understood. My uncle's daughter told me the other day on the phone that my uncle is doing treatment. A treatment of "last resort", to make sure he is comfortable and his sickness does not cause him too much suffering. I too understood what that meant. There is a special ward for patients like that at the hospital where mum visits, and I wondered whether my uncle was in such a ward.
My uncle's son did manage to come to dinner, and from him I could confirm that my uncle's condition is bleak. He said little, but what he said was enough. "It's not easy. You must know how it is too... We must be strong."
Strong we must be... Strong, brave, unflinching and still find reasons and hope to go on with life when one by one loved ones are slowly, slowly deprived of life...
Letter
What do you say to someone who is near the end of the journey of life?
This is not the first time, and it for sure will not be my last.
Do you say "Get well soon?", even though he will not?
Do you ask "How are you feeling?" when you know very well you cannot imagine the physical pain and emotional turmoil he is experiencing, and when you know very well you can do little to take either of those things from him?
What do you write to someone whose every day may be the last, whose every minute is uncertain whether it will lead to the next? You write with your heart, you write with words that will infuse beauty and wisdom, compassion and humanity.
Over two years ago when I saw my friend for the last time before he passed away a week later, I wrote him a card. It was not a get well card, more a "be well" card. "Savour every moment" I remember writing to him, "Treasure every breath". He was a devout Buddhist, and the one I accredit for leading me onto the spiritual path of meditation and living with joy and loving-kindness. He taught me and told me many times before "Life is only so much", and that anything in this universe "is only ever so much" (如是).
So let go... Let go of everything. And those were the words I gave back to him in my card, for those were the words he once gifted me. And accompanying my card were pictures... Of the ocean, of mountains, of flowers, of sunsets and sunrises... Pictures of the beautiful ways and expressions of this universe, lest my friend should forget.
He cried seeing those pictures, and stroked the images like they were so dear to him. His family told me the pictures were above his bed when he peacefully left this world...
May it also be that my words and pictures on their way to my uncle will bring him much peace, tranquility and a gentle, small reminder of what wonderful beauties there are in this world...
This is not the first time, and it for sure will not be my last.
Do you say "Get well soon?", even though he will not?
Do you ask "How are you feeling?" when you know very well you cannot imagine the physical pain and emotional turmoil he is experiencing, and when you know very well you can do little to take either of those things from him?
What do you write to someone whose every day may be the last, whose every minute is uncertain whether it will lead to the next? You write with your heart, you write with words that will infuse beauty and wisdom, compassion and humanity.
He cried seeing those pictures, and stroked the images like they were so dear to him. His family told me the pictures were above his bed when he peacefully left this world...
May it also be that my words and pictures on their way to my uncle will bring him much peace, tranquility and a gentle, small reminder of what wonderful beauties there are in this world...
26 January 2012
Fearing death?
I didn't think it bothered me before, death, but the past few nights, I would suddenly stir from my sleep, as I just did now, tormented by images of death...
Of mum dying.
I thought I was not afraid, not afraid of losing the dearest person, of losing the only true source of support, in my life right now. but the images in my sleeping mind tell me otherwise.
Four thirty in the morning, and I am awake... Tired and wanting to sleep, but cannot. Why this sudden obsession of my mind with death? Is it because of the news earlier this week that my ex's grandmother passed away? Is it because my cousin last night told me that my uncle's nearing the final days of his life...? Or is it because of what I told my mum yesterday, when I suggested to her to stop all treatment once and for all?
I see images of mum dying, horribly dying... And what bothers me most is that I see to be watching without any feelings in these images and dreams. Why does it not bother me?
I truly am losing it... Losing control of my mind, losing control of my thoughts and fears...
lost will
Where do you find the will to go on?
How do you push yourself wake everyday and do something with life...?
When you lose faith, when you lose hope, you live from moment to moment wondering what life is all about, wondering why you still breathe, still must eat, and why you still must feel.
How have I descended to this mess? How have I become so down that I long to just sleep, and sleep and sleep, and long to close my eyes and pretend there is nothing going on? My head almost constantly is throbbing and aching, my mind wild with thoughts and longings, my heart tearing and bleeding...
Where can I find the source of strength to overcome this terrible, terrible depression I find myself in? Whom can I turn to for support and a kind word, or quiet simply a warm, gentle embrace?
I so crave reassurance right now... I so need someone, something to tell me, to reassure that there will be better days ahead, to remind me not to lose hope, not to give up, not to drown in depression and frustration...
I need something to free my mind and lift me up.
Soon, before I completely die.
How do you push yourself wake everyday and do something with life...?
When you lose faith, when you lose hope, you live from moment to moment wondering what life is all about, wondering why you still breathe, still must eat, and why you still must feel.
How have I descended to this mess? How have I become so down that I long to just sleep, and sleep and sleep, and long to close my eyes and pretend there is nothing going on? My head almost constantly is throbbing and aching, my mind wild with thoughts and longings, my heart tearing and bleeding...
Where can I find the source of strength to overcome this terrible, terrible depression I find myself in? Whom can I turn to for support and a kind word, or quiet simply a warm, gentle embrace?
I so crave reassurance right now... I so need someone, something to tell me, to reassure that there will be better days ahead, to remind me not to lose hope, not to give up, not to drown in depression and frustration...
I need something to free my mind and lift me up.
Soon, before I completely die.
25 January 2012
No more, no more...
Tears were rolling in her eyes, she said as she recalled that day when she opened my thesis and read my dedication. It is things like that she lives for, she said... Touching moments in life, not hospital treatments and doctor's appointments.
I bit the inside of my lower lip, so hard I could taste my own blood. Biting the insides of my lips is something I have learned can control the tears. Strange, because it hurts so much, but the physical pain perhaps overpowers the mental pain...
I hesitated to say it, but it has been on my mind a long time. I hesitate because I wonder... is it for her own good that I am saying this, or for my own selfish interests? Is it because I don't want to be (t)here to take care of mum, as I have done on and off for the past three years or so, or is it really because I have her best interests at heart?
"Stop the treatments", I suggested. Stop them completely.
No more chemotherapies...
No more radiotherapies...
No more cancer indices...
No more scans and tests and injections...
No more hospital visits, no more sitting in the crowded corridors and waiting, and waiting...
No more, no more...
I know I have alluded to my message before, so it was not a shocker. The reality is this: the cancer is spreading, unstoppably. How fast, how slow, I am not sure. What is certain is if you treat one place, another problem area pops up. For now, the the greatest source of her pain, the tumour compressing on the spine, has been removed. And in a few days she is due for treatment to (hopefully) eradicate any remaining traces of the cancer on the spine.
And then what? Her main physician referred to the fact that she may need to undergo more chemotherapy after the upcoming radiotherapy to contain her illness. Yes, contain, because there is no cure once cancer metastasises, which it already has. And sometime ago, he told mum that there are no drugs that are effective any more, because she's used them all. Once you have used one, the cancer cells become resistant. The chemo just kills the healthy cells and has very little effect on the ones you want to kill. Xeloda, Folfox, Folfiri, Erbitux... what else is there out there? And if the treatments are not working, why keep on doing it? How much more money must we burn through to continue with treatment after treatment? It's not about the money... it's about the dignity and quality of life.
How painful is it to watch a dear one suffer? How painful is it to watch your loved one bend over the toilet bowl and choke on her own vomit? How painful is it to have to quickly sweep away the falling strands of hair so that the one you care about more than life itself does not have to be reminded of her hair loss...? Multiply my feelings tenfold, hundredfold, and that pain would never ever equate the pain, fears and anxieties mum feels undergoing treatment after treatment, time after time. Is it any wonder why mum would like to "end it all"? Is it any wonder mum is becoming dazed and numb and looks so very, very tired...?
So stop it all.
Stop it all and let fate take its course?
Stop it all, and let the demonic cells grow and multiply, feed and fester inside her body until one day her body is but a rotten, cancerous corpse...?
After signing the agreement to proceed with cyberknife, with what I suggested to mum, why do I again feel like mum's life is placed in my hands...? Do I hold the warrant to her life (and death)? Is it because I really care, or I am too tired of caring any more and want this to quickly end?
How heavy, how very, very heavy that burden, that responsibility is... how heavy it is to tell your own mother to give up on treatment while she is ahead, knowing fully well what the outcome of that decision might be... And where was brother while we are discussing such a life changing matter, discussing the future life of our dear mother? Playing mahjong with his new family elsewhere in the country. Is she not also my brother's mother...?
Mum understood what I was saying, and perhaps why I was saying it. It's soon her sixtieth birthday... does she want to spend the last few years, months, or however long she has still, of her life going in and out of the hospital? She's lived that life for the last four years, and I have lived it, from afar and from close by, with her. Sixty years of life she's almost had, and would it not be a shame if it were all overshadowed by the pain and misery of the confinement of the hospital walls in that final leg of her journey in this universe? Dad experienced it, my uncle, who is perhaps nearing the end of his life, is experiencing it... so many people I have seen in the past few years just seem to rot away in hospitals. And how horrible that is... how undignified, and what a crude and colourless way to leave this world that is!
"Don't you want to see more of the world? See the flowers blossom in Spring in Europe again?" I was reminded of a story she once shared with me about this elderly couple, both of who got cancer. The husband (or was it the wife?) decided to go travel, see and explore the world and seize his days, while the wife (or husband) decided to stay home. The latter died soon after, while the other traveled the world and experienced life in a totally new light... Eventually, with absolute certainty, we will all die. But we may be able to influence the way we die, or at the very least the final days and moments before we die. Is this naive make-belief or bravely and confidently facing death?
I know mum was moved by my words, and I know deep down, she agrees with me, for she has on so many occasions expressed to me her disdain for hospitals and building fatigue of having to go through so many treatments, take so many different pills-- all of which are stacked up on her shelf like little mounds. But can she really just "go"? Can she really "live and let live", as they say? In this case, it really is about living, and letting life live itself for however much longer, in whatever way it carries you...
Of course, ultimately it is mum's decision. But one that will have a bearing on my life and my future. What if she follows my advice and urgings and suffers a horrible, painful end? Will I be able to live the rest of my life knowing I influenced the person dearest to my heart, to my life, to forgo the chance at prolonging her life by forgoing medical treatment...? Will I be haunted by nightmares, more than ever before, and tormented by a guilty conscience if influenced by what I said mum stops everything?
Ask me in a month's time, and perhaps this issue may be moot.
Ask me in a year's time, and perhaps these questions will have been answered.
24 January 2012
give up
When you give up everything, what else have you got to lose?
Sleep my baby, at my breast,
Tis a mothers arms round you.
Make yourself a snug, warm nest.
Feel my love forever new.
Harm will not meet you in sleep,
Hurt will always pass you by.
Child beloved, always youll keep,
In sleep gentle, mothers breast nigh.
Sleep in peace tonight, sleep,
O sleep gently, what a sight.
A smile I see in slumber deep,
What visions make your face bright?
rough night
There were haunting, disturbingly haunting images of mum flashing across my mind behind I sudden awoke... I shuddered.
3am, and I was woken up as much by the images as by mum's coughing.
For a few days in a row, she's been sleeping badly, or barely at all. Her appetite has also declined dramatically. A plate of vegetables, and she would only eat a spoonful or two. And during the day, she sits there in her chair, and just stares out into nothingness...
Depression? Lost the will to fight and continue living, as she told me before? It troubles me deeply, in my waking and sleeping moments, in my thoughts and prayers, in my silent cries for help to anyone, even to "God", even though I have never appealed to him before. So desperate I have become, so desperate I seem willing to cling onto anything, any one, for help...
I have never seen her like this, ever. And there is so little I can do to motivate her, encourage her, or make her feel better, because everything is answered with: "I'm too tired... Too tired"
Me too. I am too tired...
3am, and I was woken up as much by the images as by mum's coughing.
For a few days in a row, she's been sleeping badly, or barely at all. Her appetite has also declined dramatically. A plate of vegetables, and she would only eat a spoonful or two. And during the day, she sits there in her chair, and just stares out into nothingness...
Depression? Lost the will to fight and continue living, as she told me before? It troubles me deeply, in my waking and sleeping moments, in my thoughts and prayers, in my silent cries for help to anyone, even to "God", even though I have never appealed to him before. So desperate I have become, so desperate I seem willing to cling onto anything, any one, for help...
I have never seen her like this, ever. And there is so little I can do to motivate her, encourage her, or make her feel better, because everything is answered with: "I'm too tired... Too tired"
Me too. I am too tired...
memory lane
Feeling like I need some time alone, I took the metro downtown and got off at a stop where I know there is a famous night market.
The weather was dreadful, and within minutes I was drenched, and hungry. As it's the second day of the new year holidays, much is still closed, and wherever it's open, it's crowded with families eating and celebrating, which for me to go in by myself would be very depressing... And there were moments, being drenched, and wandering around the empty city on a cold night like this all by my self, I felt u could easily cry from the deep, deep sense of loneliness and abandonment I felt...
I turned a street corner, and recognised the place... Dad lived here a couple ten years or so ago, in an apartment provided by his bank for bachelors/bachelorettes. At the time, mum and us, the children, were in the Netherlands, and dad worked and lived here alone by himself.
I knew the area well, for every summer I would come stay with him for a month or two. We'd go out to dinner at nearby eateries, and we'd stroll around the area every evening after his work. I knew the area well, and there are many memories at various places.
I walked past Dongmen Market, now a darkened alleyway as everyone has gone home for the holidays... I came to the gates of the building where dad lived on the fourth floor, in room 413 ( I recall many times whenever I left after my summer stay, I'd quietly "bless" the room, for I never liked the room number (4 being inauspicious in Taiwan, and 13... Well, 13 is 13)). A sense of nostalgia overcame me... How young I was then... Thirteen to the age of seventeen or so. Was I carefree, innocent, and free from worries? Not necessarily, for I had things that occupied my mind. Maybe not as heavy as illness and death, maybe not as frustrating as being broken hearted and feeling as lonely as I do now. But there were worries back then, for I was, and I guess have always been, a thoughtful (ie think too much...) boy.
Those were the beginnings of My parents' estrangement, which cumulated in their eventual (physical) separation. Even short periods of being together, there would be arguments, arguments which traumatised me. It made me feel so torn between a dad I care about a lot (but whom I could not really approach and express my love to, except every year with a card on this birthday), and a mother I loved deeply and often felt was wronged. I often felt like I
needed to be the bridge between the two, and was often the role of messenger. After periods of "cold wars" (as I called it...), imagine the smile on my face, the joy, joy, in my heart when they would start talking to one another again.. Those arguments, often over trivial things like money matters or what to eat and what to wear, caused me to vow that I, if i were in a relationship, i would never (to the best of my ability) intentionally hurt my lover with words (perhaps I failed miserably in this...)
I remember sitting in the foyer of the fourth floor on 1 July 1997, and together with dad watched the handover of Hong Kong to back to China... A sad moment, dad said, and he expressed fears that our homeland might one day be forcibly taken by the Chinese. Hearing that filled me with indignation and fear, and dad's words perhaps sowed the seeds of my love for my birth county, and anti- (Communist) China sentiments.
As I walked, many more memories came back to me... Hikes we took together into the mountains... Getting up very early in the morning for a soak in the hot springs north of the city... Walks in the park, which then had only feeble looking twigs, but now a decade or so later is covered with tall trees... Visits to the book store, where we would lose ourselves for hours, sometimes until closing time (I would be in the comic book part or the English book section, mum in the travel section, dad reading some kind of novel or current affairs magazine...).
And then I noticed the name of the road dad used to live on. Jinshan South Road, named after the same town where he is now resting in peace... I never made that connection, not until today, not until tonight's walk down memory lane.
The weather was dreadful, and within minutes I was drenched, and hungry. As it's the second day of the new year holidays, much is still closed, and wherever it's open, it's crowded with families eating and celebrating, which for me to go in by myself would be very depressing... And there were moments, being drenched, and wandering around the empty city on a cold night like this all by my self, I felt u could easily cry from the deep, deep sense of loneliness and abandonment I felt...
I turned a street corner, and recognised the place... Dad lived here a couple ten years or so ago, in an apartment provided by his bank for bachelors/bachelorettes. At the time, mum and us, the children, were in the Netherlands, and dad worked and lived here alone by himself.
I knew the area well, for every summer I would come stay with him for a month or two. We'd go out to dinner at nearby eateries, and we'd stroll around the area every evening after his work. I knew the area well, and there are many memories at various places.
I walked past Dongmen Market, now a darkened alleyway as everyone has gone home for the holidays... I came to the gates of the building where dad lived on the fourth floor, in room 413 ( I recall many times whenever I left after my summer stay, I'd quietly "bless" the room, for I never liked the room number (4 being inauspicious in Taiwan, and 13... Well, 13 is 13)). A sense of nostalgia overcame me... How young I was then... Thirteen to the age of seventeen or so. Was I carefree, innocent, and free from worries? Not necessarily, for I had things that occupied my mind. Maybe not as heavy as illness and death, maybe not as frustrating as being broken hearted and feeling as lonely as I do now. But there were worries back then, for I was, and I guess have always been, a thoughtful (ie think too much...) boy.
Those were the beginnings of My parents' estrangement, which cumulated in their eventual (physical) separation. Even short periods of being together, there would be arguments, arguments which traumatised me. It made me feel so torn between a dad I care about a lot (but whom I could not really approach and express my love to, except every year with a card on this birthday), and a mother I loved deeply and often felt was wronged. I often felt like I
needed to be the bridge between the two, and was often the role of messenger. After periods of "cold wars" (as I called it...), imagine the smile on my face, the joy, joy, in my heart when they would start talking to one another again.. Those arguments, often over trivial things like money matters or what to eat and what to wear, caused me to vow that I, if i were in a relationship, i would never (to the best of my ability) intentionally hurt my lover with words (perhaps I failed miserably in this...)
I remember sitting in the foyer of the fourth floor on 1 July 1997, and together with dad watched the handover of Hong Kong to back to China... A sad moment, dad said, and he expressed fears that our homeland might one day be forcibly taken by the Chinese. Hearing that filled me with indignation and fear, and dad's words perhaps sowed the seeds of my love for my birth county, and anti- (Communist) China sentiments.
As I walked, many more memories came back to me... Hikes we took together into the mountains... Getting up very early in the morning for a soak in the hot springs north of the city... Walks in the park, which then had only feeble looking twigs, but now a decade or so later is covered with tall trees... Visits to the book store, where we would lose ourselves for hours, sometimes until closing time (I would be in the comic book part or the English book section, mum in the travel section, dad reading some kind of novel or current affairs magazine...).
And then I noticed the name of the road dad used to live on. Jinshan South Road, named after the same town where he is now resting in peace... I never made that connection, not until today, not until tonight's walk down memory lane.
Slowing down
Walking slowly with mum in the rain, in silence, something crossed my mind...
I looked at mum from a few steps away, and noticed how frail mum has become, how much older and more fragile than I have ever since her before... Sometimes she closes her eyes, and I know because there is a shooting, sharp pain, most likely from her surgical wound. Sometimes she crumples her face in great, great discomfort, and I know it is because she really is hurting from just standing up and walking... I know mum is suffering, and yet I cannot do anything to help her...
Every step she takes seems to take great effort and strain. Every move so slow, so painstakingly slow. I know it frustrates her greatly, but she cannot fully express it. Her voice is too broken to say much, so much of the time we are silent nowadays. I know her current condition frustrates her greatly, for on occasion she lies in bed and tells me how much she wants it to be all over. Really over...
Being around mum, it is hard to stay positive, hard to keep on smiling and keep in being strong. I look at myself in the mirror and feel as if I have aged greatly over the past month, feel like my life, my youth, has been caught up in a relentless spiral that is pulling me back. How very selfish of me to think like that, I know, I know...
but part of me so much wants to hide... Hide far, far away, so I do not have to deal with all this... Hide in my sleep, so I do not have to feel... Hide in temporary moments of euphoric release and self-gratification, so I can drown out the pain... Anything else, anywhere else away from this place, this moment...
In calm I will find strength...
In myself, and from noone else, I must rediscover what it means to care, to be patient and to love...
I looked at mum from a few steps away, and noticed how frail mum has become, how much older and more fragile than I have ever since her before... Sometimes she closes her eyes, and I know because there is a shooting, sharp pain, most likely from her surgical wound. Sometimes she crumples her face in great, great discomfort, and I know it is because she really is hurting from just standing up and walking... I know mum is suffering, and yet I cannot do anything to help her...
Every step she takes seems to take great effort and strain. Every move so slow, so painstakingly slow. I know it frustrates her greatly, but she cannot fully express it. Her voice is too broken to say much, so much of the time we are silent nowadays. I know her current condition frustrates her greatly, for on occasion she lies in bed and tells me how much she wants it to be all over. Really over...
Being around mum, it is hard to stay positive, hard to keep on smiling and keep in being strong. I look at myself in the mirror and feel as if I have aged greatly over the past month, feel like my life, my youth, has been caught up in a relentless spiral that is pulling me back. How very selfish of me to think like that, I know, I know...
but part of me so much wants to hide... Hide far, far away, so I do not have to deal with all this... Hide in my sleep, so I do not have to feel... Hide in temporary moments of euphoric release and self-gratification, so I can drown out the pain... Anything else, anywhere else away from this place, this moment...
In calm I will find strength...
In myself, and from noone else, I must rediscover what it means to care, to be patient and to love...
23 January 2012
Tensions
Mum was miserable again. Is it because of the pain she feels still from
her surgery? The doctor said operations on the spine take the longest
time to heal and are perhaps the most painful, for they have to "peel"
back the muscles to get to the spinal column. I saw a picture of that
before, when the young surgeon showed it to me on his iPhone...
Or perhaps mum is miserable and grumpy because of brother's presence? As much happiness and joy my nephew brings, it does not distract from the fact that my brother does nothing at all to help. I ask him to help with the dishes... "Later..." I ask him to massage mum a bit to prevent bed sores, and he looks at me as if that were the strangest request... Just this morning, as he tried to make powdered milk for my nephew, he noticed the hot water kettle was empty. Mum, despite her pain and discomfort from standing up and doing simple chores like washing up, had to haul the kettle with three litres of water in it from the kitchen to the living room...
Privately, mum grumbled to me about how little (or nothing at all...) my brother does. It bothers her greatly, makes so upset she was almost shouting, even though her voice was very weak and broken.
What am I supposed to say...? I know he's busy and he has a baby to take care of, but still he can do other things too, No? I told him already the day to help out more around the house while he's around. I asked him why I have to do much of the housework (my sister-in-law helps out) while he's not around, and even when he's around. What difference does it make him being here if that's the case? He didn't say anything.
She is his mother, just as much as she is his mother... Do I not deserve some time to myself or a break from everything? I wanted to take some time off to retreat into the mountains for a day or two, but now I can't do that because brother will be gone for an entire week, again.
Have I not been doing enough and put all my own things and plans on hold to be here? Just a little help, just a few dishes, just to share the burden of caring and tending to mum's needs... Is that too much to ask?
Or perhaps mum is miserable and grumpy because of brother's presence? As much happiness and joy my nephew brings, it does not distract from the fact that my brother does nothing at all to help. I ask him to help with the dishes... "Later..." I ask him to massage mum a bit to prevent bed sores, and he looks at me as if that were the strangest request... Just this morning, as he tried to make powdered milk for my nephew, he noticed the hot water kettle was empty. Mum, despite her pain and discomfort from standing up and doing simple chores like washing up, had to haul the kettle with three litres of water in it from the kitchen to the living room...
Privately, mum grumbled to me about how little (or nothing at all...) my brother does. It bothers her greatly, makes so upset she was almost shouting, even though her voice was very weak and broken.
What am I supposed to say...? I know he's busy and he has a baby to take care of, but still he can do other things too, No? I told him already the day to help out more around the house while he's around. I asked him why I have to do much of the housework (my sister-in-law helps out) while he's not around, and even when he's around. What difference does it make him being here if that's the case? He didn't say anything.
She is his mother, just as much as she is his mother... Do I not deserve some time to myself or a break from everything? I wanted to take some time off to retreat into the mountains for a day or two, but now I can't do that because brother will be gone for an entire week, again.
Have I not been doing enough and put all my own things and plans on hold to be here? Just a little help, just a few dishes, just to share the burden of caring and tending to mum's needs... Is that too much to ask?
22 January 2012
Lunar new year's eve
Barely nine in the evening, and mum is already in bed. Even at dinner, she looked uncomfortable and in pain. Earlier, she said she no longer wants to go down to visit relatives as planned. Most likely, I'll have to go refund the tickets in the morning, and will stay with her at home over the next few days. I had been so anticipating getting away from the city for a few days, and taking some time 'off' by going to the seclusion of the monastery. But if mum cannot leave home, I can't really go off on my own. She's too weak to be left alone at this stage. And with treatment planned in a few days' time, she really needs to eat well-- something I know she will not really do when I am not around.
Lunar new year's eve, but it does not feel like it at all. Where is that sense of excitement I used to feel as a child? Where is the magic of staying up late and chatting with mum and dad excitedly about the year gone by?
At dinner, I left an empty chair for dad to 'sit' in. I laid out a bowl and filled it with some rice and dishes I made (with help from my sister-in-law). I looked at the empty bowl and felt so sad... An empty bowl, right next to me... One day, there will be two empty bowls I will have to lay out.
Brother suddenly got up from dinner at one point, and picked up two red envelops. One for mum, one for me. I was touched, for it was the first time he gave me a red envelop (a tradition), and it reminded me that I had completely forgotten to prepare one for my little nephew (just shows how scattered and down I have become these days...). So quickly I went into the bedroom, and got a spare red envelop, and took out some of the money brother just handed me and gave the envelop to my nephew.
To everyone's surprise, his little fingers grabbed at the red envelop. He clutched it tightly, and moved it close to his mouth to suck on. Perhaps it's just a reaction he has to everything that is placed in front of his face, but that made us all laugh.
And for a few moments, laughter brought us all back to the spirit of lunar new year celebrations, to the (more) carefree days when this time of the year is filled with magic and surprises, excitement and a sense of longing for newer, brighter days.
Lunar new year's eve, but it does not feel like it at all. Where is that sense of excitement I used to feel as a child? Where is the magic of staying up late and chatting with mum and dad excitedly about the year gone by?
At dinner, I left an empty chair for dad to 'sit' in. I laid out a bowl and filled it with some rice and dishes I made (with help from my sister-in-law). I looked at the empty bowl and felt so sad... An empty bowl, right next to me... One day, there will be two empty bowls I will have to lay out.
Brother suddenly got up from dinner at one point, and picked up two red envelops. One for mum, one for me. I was touched, for it was the first time he gave me a red envelop (a tradition), and it reminded me that I had completely forgotten to prepare one for my little nephew (just shows how scattered and down I have become these days...). So quickly I went into the bedroom, and got a spare red envelop, and took out some of the money brother just handed me and gave the envelop to my nephew.
To everyone's surprise, his little fingers grabbed at the red envelop. He clutched it tightly, and moved it close to his mouth to suck on. Perhaps it's just a reaction he has to everything that is placed in front of his face, but that made us all laugh.
And for a few moments, laughter brought us all back to the spirit of lunar new year celebrations, to the (more) carefree days when this time of the year is filled with magic and surprises, excitement and a sense of longing for newer, brighter days.
Daddy 阿爸
14.21hrs, Lunar New Year's Eve.
You passed away in my arms, quietly, quietly...
But memories of your smile, of your smile, the warmth of your touch have not faded away.
They probably never will.
I held onto your hand as you quietly, quietly left this world in peace...
Did I ever disappoint you, dad?
Do I disappoint you you now, perhaps?
Dad, I miss you...
Miss you so very, very much.
You passed away in my arms, quietly, quietly...
But memories of your smile, of your smile, the warmth of your touch have not faded away.
They probably never will.
I held onto your hand as you quietly, quietly left this world in peace...
Did I ever disappoint you, dad?
Do I disappoint you you now, perhaps?
Dad, I miss you...
Miss you so very, very much.
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