Gut feeling

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When will the time be? Why do I dream about it so much? Why do I think about it so much?

I can't describe this feeling inside, this gut feeling something is about to happen. Something terrible. Something soon.

And I woke up today with so much pain and stomach acid suddenly accumulating in my mouth I had to go spit it all out...

It was a terrible, terrible feeling that lingered for the rest of the day, which was not helped by a three hour bike ride along the river banks. On my ride, my thoughts drifted to mum, to images of her dying and her final moments... Horrible, horrible images!

And my mind also drifted to my ex, to whether I should contact him and give him, give us a chance again. Why is it that in my darkest moments, I think of him, and have this urge to contact him? Why do I keep on seeing and imaging that he would show up and stand by me as mum slowly fades and disappears from my life? Why do I keep on imagining that mum's eventual will be the reason to bring us together again and, having gone through something so fundamental and life-changing, the reason we will always stay together?

Perhaps Facing death and so painfully seeing mum suffer and fade from my life is making me delirious...

Sinking

I dreamed I was cutting myself, mutilating my own body. There was no pain, just pleasure, seeing my limbs cut off. Blood spewed everywhere, everything dyed red... And I saw myself laughing, laughing! By some twisted logic, the ultimate pleasure is extreme, excruciating pain...

Woke up with such a horrible headache, and for most of the day I felt this sense of indignation and anger inside. Like everything is wrong, nothing is right. I just slept and slept some more...

Am I going complete nutters? Has the world and everything around me gotten too much I'm imagining injuring myself and dying? For some reason of late I've been just stuffing myself with "bad" food... fried stuff, stuff laden with chemicals, stuff I under normal circumstances wouldn't even look at or touch. But somehow the more I see mum vomit, the more I want to make myself sick. That's sick...

New bike

Rarely do I buy myself something big, but this year I wanted to buy something for my (planned) upcoming trip: a bike.

I've been looking around and comparing prices, and found a Giant dealership nearby which give me everything I needed at a 10% discount. I bargained hard, and that was the best they could offer me, but the guy and his mother did offer me many useful tips on how to survive the long road trip.

So I went to pick up the bike today, a beautiful and speak black bike with blue lines. I added all the essentials: a carrier bag, lights, tool kit, bottle holders (two, because there are sections where there are no shops for dozens of kilometres...). And for the first time I bought a helmet, a bike jacket, padded biking pants, gloves, and even fashionable sunglasses. All together for around NT$ 28,000 (some $950). It's a lot of money I'm spending on myself in one go, but there are organised bike tours that charge that amount, if not more, and in the end you don't have a bike.

I happily rode my bike, the first 1.5km home. Mum greeted me, and i showed her my latest purchase. On the way home I bought some red bean soup and bean curd dessert, and gave some to mum as a little dessert.

She ate everything quickly. But within minutes everything came out quickly as well...

She held onto the toilet bowl and vomited again and again. "I'm so bad," she said apologetically, "That's the freshly squeezed juice from lunch..." It was so painful, so very painful to hear mum blame herself for vomiting...

Just as I thought the vomiting stopped, she coughed a bit, and again rushed to the toilet. This time even more came out. Mostly liquid form, but she threw up at least five times, everytime endless flows of liquid and food just poured out. I patted her back, but inside felt such pangs of pain, such a deep, deep sense of helplessness... Everything it seemed came out. Mum washed her mouth, but there was even more to come. Something is wrong I fear with her digestive system. It has been over three weeks since she began vomiting almost daily, and just yesterday I was saying how she seemed to be getting better, she apparently is not.

Weakened, she sat down, looked so very tired... I too sat down, somewhat guilty at the excitement and happiness I felt on my first brand new bike purchase in perhaps fifteen years...

I looked at mum, who looked so unwell, who was struggling to open a little package of her herbal medicine with her now clumsy hands and fingers...

Can I really go on this trip and leave her here all on her own? Can I leave her at all...? My bike stood in the corner and no longer looked so new and bright.

Sick

I feel so sick. I cannot describe the discomfort in my bowels... It's not bloatedness, but a feeling of wanting to throw up, but cannot. So much saliva and liquids are being produced in my mouth, and I feel the food in my stomach unsettling. It's been like this since yesterday, and I suddenly woke up just now, at four in the morning, feeling pain and this strange sick sensation...

What's wrong with me? Is it something physical or psychological? The last few days have been very stressful on my mind and body, and perhaps my unsettled stomach and pains has something to do with it... So much pain! Now perhaps I can understand why mum is moody, why she does not to do much or interact with people much. The physical pain can really cause you so much mental anguish and ruin your day...

And I hear mum is gagging again. Perhaps she too is unable to slee and has been woken up by her stomach and pains... Perhaps she has not slept at all the whole night till now...

Escape

The inability to speak and the bad temperaments are unbearable. The pains and groans are eroding my mind and senses.

Nothing is anyone's fault. Mum cannot control her pains and the discomfort she feels... But my heart and soul aches everyday more, everyday more, my care and compassion dwindles, becoming everyday less, everyday less... I don't even feel like staying home, but where am I to go in this foreign city where I know nobody?

Where are my tears when I need them? Where are the tears of relief when I crave them?

I know I need to get out of here, escape, disappear, hide, for I feel myself physically and mentally becoming ill...

Valentines Day

She threw up again just before entering the cyberknife operating room. What little she ate, a bowl of congee, nuts and a slice or two of mandarin, poured out of her mouth in the hall of the hospital. I patted her back, but looked away for fear of getting sick myself, and handed her a bag and water to swish her mouth. I held her hand in an attempt to calm her, reassure her.

Almost an hour since she went in for treatment. Again, the technician went in and out to adjust her body and posture for the machine to operate. On the counter of the registration desk of the oncology ward was a beautiful, beautiful bouquet of roses, with two little Teddy bears on top. How lucky that girl/ boy is to get such beautiful flowers and expression of love on this special day.

--

Mum came out over an hour later. A few steps later she threw up again. And again.

Unwell

All these posts about people and happenings in my life, a change of perspective and turning the attention to me now... Me, whom I've neglected time and again, and rarely really take care.

The long breakup and loss of my best friend and mum's deteriorating health have together really caused me much pain and anxiety over the past year. And for the past four years, there have been other misfortunes and worries along the way... the loss of my dear dad, the loss of my "mother" in the Netherlands, the loss of a close friend, and now confronting my uncle's imminent passing (all because of cancer...), combined with my own unstable and undecided future.  All these reasons, external and internal influences, combine to make me feel like my world is so disturbed and insecure...

Never before, I don't think, have I felt such stress, such emotional pain that often manifests into physical discomfort... at the back of my head, in my bowels, in my back, around my hips. Sometimes, the pain is sudden and sharp, and it goes away after a while. Right now, after an evening of watching mum in great, great discomfort and throwing up two, three times made my stomach churn...

I know I take too much to heart. I tell others to laugh at things, even the most difficult things in life, and I should heed my own advice at times. But I feel as if there are so many, too many, things I should do something about. And yet I am powerless to do or say anything to affect change or influence things. It creates much stress and tensions within, makes me sleep so badly at night, makes me moody and mentally drained... And I feel, perhaps due to some morbid sense of paranoia, as if something is 'growing' inside of me, as if all the traumatic experiences and feelings, the accumulated fatigue and emotional depression and hurt, might feed the growth of malignant cells...

Yes, sometimes when I hurt in my bowels, or at the back of my head, or on my skull, I see images of my own body. Images like those of the scans I have of mum, which I have stored on my computer... images of 'grey areas' growing on the bone... haunting images of 'dark areas' compressing on the nerves and muscles... I see myself, or imagine things, growing... Stress, long term depression, and exposure to traumatic experiences of seeing a loved one sick and become more sick are very toxic cocktails for the anyone's body and mind.

How do I de-stress? How do I worry and fear less? I try to meditate... I try to calm down and breathe... Who can take my anxieties and stop me trembling when I do, help me feel reassured and safe? Who can I turn to, but here, to the faceless, unknown reader who, from a safe distance, reads this depressing account of a lost boy's life woes and worries?

People tell me again and again to take care of myself. They remind me if I fall ill, who will take care of my mother?

I must not fall ill, I must not succumb to any illness or disease of any kind. Mental or physical, and certainly not the illness I fear the most: cancer!

I must be strong, stay strong, and weather the emotional and physical turbulences that come my way!

For if I fall ill, who will take care of me?

Still ill

Me no feel so good...

Been five days, and still pretty much ill. Haven't really been doing much, besides resting, but the cough doesn't seem to want to go away. And now everytime I cough, my head aches... I don't like taking medicine, especially the chemical stuff, so ginger and honey tea and some homeopathic herbal poitions is really what I've been taking. I know it'll go away, but as is often in life, whenever you're suffering, it seems like it's forever.

It probably didn't help having to work today, in the rain and wind. Tried to call in sick, but they really had to have me work because the storm in the past few days meant that a lot of mail couldn't be delivered. So had to just bear it and work, though surprisingly despite the amount of mail I finished everything in four hours.

Had a long talk with my brother last night. Well, as usual it's because he wants something, and this time it's a car. It doesn't matter what he wants to do with the money he makes, but I reminded him if he buys a car he won't be able to pay all the bills and mortgage. He still insists on buying, and I know when he wants something he won't rest until he gets it. Together we talked about how much expenses we have every month, and how much money is coming in.

Well, it's been decided. For him to buy a car, I'll need to contribute three hundred euros every month to the living expenses, on top of the grocery shopping I occassionally do.

To be honest, I'm not sure what to think about all this. On the one hand, I guess it's fair I pay something, since I'm living at home for free, so the money I pay can be seen as 'rent' (ironically, to stay at home). And I guess I can just about manage to scrape three hundred from my student loan and (meagre) salary. And I don't want to ask my parents for anything any more, since they've been paying too much for too long.

But then... I've been wanting to move out for sometime already, and if I have to pay that three hundred every month so that he can afford a car, I can't afford to move out any more. Why should I have to continue staying in this place so that he can have the pleasure of having a car??!! My first reaction last night was to just let this pass. Perhaps... it's just another sacrifice I have to make to keep someone else happy... And besides, I really dread having to look for a place and move again. It seems like I've been moving every single year in the past five years, and it's not fun. Not at all.

But when I think about having to stay here probably for the foreseeable future, or until at least I finish my studies or have a steady income, I shudder. The fights, the non-talking... the lack of that feeling of home, even though this is supposed to be home.

I really don't know what to do...