Lost

I've been filled with emotions for a number of days, and I feel like if I don't get them out, they're going to burst! : (

I guess that's the great thing about maintaining a blog... you can get the thoughts out on 'paper', talk, complain or cry or praise about people and things in your life, and feel much better afterwards. At least I hope so...



There are blessings and curses about being a Pisces. It's two fish, joined at the head and tail, completing an endless circle, forming an endless whole that is complete. I'm sensitive, warm, and can be sympathetic towards things and people around me.... but then again, I'm shy, insecure, and too sensitive to other people's reactions.... or worse, to other people's rejections. And being single, I always feel like there's another half of me missing, feel like I'm not complete, and that I lack a big chunk, without which makes me feel really empty and lost inside.

And I really feel that. I feel like I need to have somebody around me to make me 'whole', someone who is just there to make me feel less lonely, someone to make me feel (if only temporarily) that I'm not a lonely fish when there are supposed to be two fish.

I go out with my friends, and I smile and enjoy the company, but when it comes to going home, I feel really empty, and dread going home. Especially to a home where I don't talk to anyone, and to a home where the closest thing to warmth and love is from my cat...

It's not good, I know it myself. My friend once told me that people sometimes need to learn to be alone, and need to know how to spend time on their own. She said even when you find a partner, or 'other half' if you like to call it, you still cannot depend on that other person to give you happiness and feeling of completion. Because it's just selfish to do that, and because if you depend too much on other person to make you feel complete, you force that person to give, give, give, and when s/he doesn't give what you expect or want from him/her, you feel hurt and frustrated. A health person is one who can love, but also be lonely, and be just as happy being in love and loving as when he is lonely.


So I live my life with these great ups and downs... ups from the moments when I'm with someone, and laugh and have fun, and feel the warmth and connection through the little joys that we get from spending time together... it may just be cycling, or talking quietly over a warm cup of tea, or it may be watching the sunset, or it may be working together on a project... it doesn't have to be long, but the time together is certainly quality time, and priceless.

And when that time is over, then the down comes... I'm left feeling lost, lonely and alone, wondering what to do, feeling like there's that will entertain me, and long so much to be acknowledged by someone, anyone! I constantly look at my mobile, wondering whether anyone has called me, or check my email, wondering whether anyone has written to me... just sitting there, longing and waiting for the next moment when I can be with someone again... for the next moment when one fish can become two.

Up and down, down and up... seems like my world and happiness revolves around that of others. Even a therapist a number of years told me, I'm like a moon, and I continually circle other people ('planets') and find my centre of 'gravity'/attraction in other people...

So it was when I went out with a friend the other day. We had a great time, at least I thought... just doing very simple things, and I felt like I found yet another centre of gravity to revolve around. But I was afraid to get too close, afraid that if I do I'll push away a new found friend, and loose everything. And also afraid what the other person might think, or whether the feelings are mutual. So we parted, like as usual when I leave, and I went home feeling a little lost, regretful, wondering and confused afterwards. Again, a great example of the up and the downs of my rollercoaster ride of emotions, and my constant battle for company and the constant haunting of loneliness that hunts me down every time...



And today... I felt really blah :( waking up. I work into work, and coincidentally I met I went to 'girlfriend', and we went to lunch together. It was the same cafeteria where last time this guy kept checking me out and smiling at me... and today he was there again (of course, he works there!). This time the smiles and flirts were even more obvious. I must have looked a little dazed and lost, and at one point I sleepily rubbed my eyes. He saw that (of course, because he was watching me...), and probably found it cute or something and said very loudly and openly "Yes, life is hard!" At first I didn't realise he was talking to me, then he said it again, grinning widely, and winking.

I didn't know how to respond. I was still a bit down from the other day, so I didn't really react. But the guy was trying so hard, seriously trying to strike up a conversation (or trying to flirt...). For example, I bought a cup of tea, and chose rooibos flavour, and he said something like it was his favourite tea of all. But I was just a bit 'fragile' and insecure to reciprocate the flirting, so just let the chance go...

And afterwards, I felt more like sh*t, because who knows, there might be something there... Or at least, maybe I could have made a new friend, and not feel as lonely as I do now.

Anyways... this is just the confused, lost, rambling state of mind I'm in right now... feeling empty, hoping that I'd find that other fish to make two fish in me complete... if only temporarily.

And, yes... after writing all this, even though it may read like complete rubbish and may not even make any sense... I do feel better.

Answer

A beautiful song from the movie "The Brave One" I watched with a friend last night...
Again, it says so much, with so little.

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you cant look down

If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
youll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes a whole life I wont break I wont bend
Itll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
Youll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind

"Wrong move by the US"

A few days ago, the China Daily carried the following headline:

“Wrong move by the US”

No surprise, as the Chinese government-controlled media machinery spread propaganda about the despicable and utterly unacceptable fact that the Dalai Lama was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal—the most prestigious civil award in the US. A severe interference in China’s sovereignty, a completely disgraceful violation of the conduct of international relations, an act that the US will need to bear the consequences of.

The reason, as the opinion piece explains, was that the Dalai Lama:

“has been engaged in secessionist activities for many years in his vicious attempt to split Tibet from the motherland and instigate political unrest in the autonomous region”.

This is referring to the same Tibetan leader-in-exile who, along the likes of Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu Kyi, was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. The same person who last year was granted Honorary Canadian Citizenship for being a leading champion “peace and non-violence”. It makes you wonder, how can a spiritual leader universally recognised as a man of harmony and piety be as evil and as violent as the Chinese government likes to denigrate and defile him on every occasion?

Of course, the background to this is the fact (or at the very least, the official statement repeated time and time again by the Chinese government) that:

“Tibet has been an integral part of China since ancient times and Chinese central governments of several dynasties have exercised sovereignty over it”.

Yes. Exactly the reason why Tibet had to be invaded in 1950, and why millions of Tibetans, monks and nuns have been, and continue to be, oppressed and persecuted since. Former British Prime Minister Thatcher, commenting that the “Chinese claim to Tibet is dubious on historical grounds”, wrote:

“The Chinese now appear to have resolved upon a programme of ‘modernisation’ that involves shifting the ethnic balance in favour of Han Chinese and away from Tibetans, as a final solution to the continuing resistance. […] For two years running, Britain and the rest of the European Union have refused to co-sponsor a United States resolution at the UN Commission on Human Rights condemning China’s record. This attitude is not just shameful: it is also foolish. Any plaudits from the Chinese authorities for such actions are short-lived, nor are they needed: after all, in almost every field, the Chinese need the West more than we need China”.

Shame the rest of the world does not realise that… or at least does not dare challenge China on the issue of its dictatorial practices at home, and elsewhere. No matter, because there are improvements yet. Just witness the groundbreaking event heralding changes and great leaps forward will be happy to note that the President Hu Jintao has just been unanimously re-elected to serve another term in office, and in his speech he mentioned the word ‘democracy’ no less than 60 times. On the issue of Tibet, the chairman of the regional (read puppet) government of Tibet called the award by the US Congress an “injection of cardiotonic to secessionist activities”. Big words and beautiful rhetoric. He assured the public that the Dalai Lama’s “splittist and diversionist” actions won’t stop much of the social and economic progress that the people of Tibet have enjoyed since the Chinese occupation rule.

Indeed, as China sees it,

“Great changes have taken place in Tibet since the autonomous region was established in 1965 and especially after the economic reform and opening up in the late 1970s. Anyone who visits Tibet will witness how living standards have improved for the Tibetans.

The hardly accessible high plateau region can now be reached by air and land transport which was unimaginable when local Tibetans were under the rule of a serfdom system more than 40 years ago.

As far as religion is concerned, local Tibetans enjoy complete freedom to participate in any religious activity they choose.”

Hail to the Chinese Communist Party! If that’s the case, then Human Rights Watch must be spreading lies for the seventeenth year running, when it again reported last year:

Suspected “separatists,” many of whom come from monasteries and nunneries, are routinely imprisoned. In January 2006, Gendun, a Tibetan monk, received a four-year prison sentence for opinions expressed in his lectures on Tibetan history and culture. In June 2006, five Tibetans, including two nuns, were detained for publishing and distributing independence leaflets. In July, Namkha Gyaltsen, a monk, received an eight-year sentence for his independence activities. In August, armed police detained Khenpo Jinpa, an abbot. In September, Lobsang Palden, another monk, was charged with “initiating separatist activities.”

On September 30, Chinese People’s Armed Police shot at a group of approximately 40 Tibetan refugees attempting to cross the border into Nepal, killing a 17-year-old nun, Kelsang Namtso, and possibly others. The rest of the group fled, though witnesses reported seeing Chinese soldiers marching approximately 10 children back to a nearby camp. The official press agency Xinhua claimed that the soldiers were “forced to defend themselves,” but film footage showed soldiers calmly taking aim and shooting from afar at a column of people making their way through heavy snow.

In spite of plans for economic development of Tibetan regions, the opening of the Qinghai-Lhasa railroad in July 2006 exacerbated concerns among Tibetans that they would be unable to compete economically with an anticipated influx of Han migrants”.

And this BBC reporter must form part of a conspiracy of decadent conniving Western imperialists, why are trying to wreak havoc and social unrest within China:

Although people can worship openly, Beijing maintains ultimate control over Tibetan Buddhism.

An example of this control came earlier this month when China's State Administration for Religious Affairs issued new guidelines about who can and cannot be declared a "living Buddha". From 1 September, all reincarnated living Buddhas - eminent monks - will first have to be approved by the government.

[…]China seeks to control the selection of senior religious leaders in Tibet because it fears their political power. Although Beijing says Tibet has been part of China since the mid-13th century, eight centuries on there are still many who dispute that claim.

Beijing believes senior monks provide a focal point for those advocating Tibetan independence.

Familiar images of Burmese monks parading the streets spring to mind. Which cannot be separated from the images of brutal police crackdown and bloody repression.

Indeed, various Dutch local reported that just days after the Dalai Lama was awarded the US Congressional Award, hundreds of Tibetan monks who were celebrating the occasion clashed with policemen. It was said that these monks were surrounded by some 300 armed policemen, who forbid anyone to leave or enter the compound. Whether there have been casualties or deaths is unknown, and with China’s most sophiscated censorship machinery in the world, it is unlikely we will ever know.

Many things!

A lost shoe looking for a comfortable soul out at sea

It's suddenly become so cold! Very sunny, but so very cold, like it's the deepest winter, except the leaves are still more or less on the trees.

I spent a great deal of Sunday in bed, too lazy to get out of bed, and feeling still guilty from the night before for what my big mouth said, and how it hurt my friend. She called later in the afternoon, and we just talked on the phone as if nothing happened. Though, I told her, that I still felt bad, especially because she's someone I care about and love in my life, someone close that I have and that I need.

She was it was alright, and that it was nothing, or otherwise she wouldn't have called me and we wouldn't have talked for almost an hour! Slowly I started to feel a little better.

Well, I started to look into plans for next year. Remember sometime ago I mentioned that I'm planning something big and extraordinary? It's in fact plans to do another study next year... but this time in a land far, far away! After I went to Space Camp last month, I was somewhat inspired to go into more depth on space law, and perhaps one of the best place in the world is actually in Quebec, Canada!

It's a long-term plan, and also something that will need a lot of decisions and organising if I'm going to go ahead with the plan. But really, I want to get away from the Netherlands (most importantly, get away from this place and from my brother), and start a new life. What better way and place than to do so in a totally new country I've not even been to?

There's still a lot of work to be done, esepecially applying for a university, and also for scholarship. I really want to do this on my own, and in fact not many people know about this plan of mine yet. So it'll be some tough decision-making months to come....

My cat watching TV... a programme on the Animal Channel about the African desert! :)

I guess my plans to move abroad has a lot to do with the reason why I started my job at the university. I was expecting and hoping that I'd be paid and could save up some money. Well, after the shock that I'll be making much less than I thought, I'd really have to live on a thin budget in the coming times...

I did try to negotiate a better deal, and after my letter protest, my direct superior took the matter seriously. It turns out that everything has been a great big understanding... Not a good reason, but it explains a lot.

When I saw in August what I'd be making, it was the number that was taken into the budget. That amount of X is actually the amount the university will have to pay in terms of my salaries, my taxes, my insurance etc, etc... which always means that my salary will always be less than that X amount. I just didn't realise it would be 500Euros less, per month. They did some recalculation, and show me some figures and complicated government bureaucratic salary scaling system, and moved me up a little. So now I'll make 80Euros than the amount that was on the contract sent to me. Great improvement, indeed. But still poor pay.

It's the best they can do. My boss said very frankly, the university is not a "big pot of money", and this is the reality that pay is really bad, but they expect you to work hard! But then again, there are many holidays, and also extras like free coffee and the opportunity to meet important people who can really give me a career boost.

It took a few days, and I thought about it... I've come so far already, I've already been working and organising the big moot court for so many weeks now, and I've finally gotten used to my position and made new colleague-friends.... OK, the pay is terrible, but the experience invaluable. So I accepted, lowly cursing at the university, but then accepting my fate...


Another news... probably much better, at least I guess so. I'm meeting a friend for the first time ever tomorrow! Sounds contradictory, but we 'met' online, and have been mailing back and forth for a long while. He actually doesn't live too far away, but it seemed like it.
And last week I proposed to meet in person... a bold step, and I wasn't really sure how he'd respond.

But he actually agreed! :) So we'll be meeting and do somethings together... not sure what yet. Whatever happens will happen, I guess. But I'm looking forward to it excitedly!

Sesame memories

Came across these clips on Youtube that brought back many memories of Sesame Street : )

Mean David

David is not all that innocent and pretty as he seems. In fact, David has a sharp tongue, and can often say things that hurt people, intentionally or not.

It was a beautiful day, cold--in fact freezing-- and I went cycling in the forest and sand dunes with three friends. We went far, and the cold air was freezing our ears and fingers, but the conversation and connection between us seemed to warm us all, and before we knew it, we found ourselves on a far and isolated beach watching the red sun set four hours later.

We stood there, admiring the calm sea pick up speed with the evening tide, and we drew our names in the sand, exchanging jokes and lives. At one point I said a really sneaky comment, insinuating that someone would really love to hug and rub bodies together to keep warm. In this group of three others girls, it could have implied nothing more than that someone has lesbian tendencies. And I said this, knowing very well that one person has difficulties with her sexuality, because she told me in confidence about it.

But I made a joke, a terrible, terrible joke, which to anyone paying attention would have immediately realise the subtleties of what I meant, or was trying to imply.

That friend confronted me with the issue, telling me how really hurt and how betrayed she feels. And I felt horrible... without trying to make it all seem like it was about me, I said I really often don't realise how what I say can hurt people so easily... It's not what I say it, but the words I choose to say it, and how I say it. It's frankly sneaky and snide, sometimes downright vicious and vile that even I'm surprised that the words have come out of my mouth. Sometimes I think I'm so merciless and clever that nobody would understand what I'm saying, but people do! And what's worse is that I think I say certain things because I know it will somehow 'poke fun' at someone, or will somehow make that person feel bad... it's as if I do it deliberately, and feel myself to be so clever that I can make 'funny' jokes at other people's expense.

But it's just downright horrible and mean! Horrible and Mean David! : (

I felt really terrible as my friend told me how she felt about today.... even more so because she wasn't trying to blame me or accuse me, but was simply trying to tell me how simple things I say can really hurt and harm others. And it hurt her today, which is the last thing I'd want to because I really care about her a lot... a lot! : (

I cycled home at close to 3am, feeling my heart really heavy, and my head replaying the scene between my friend and me. She was so calm and was just trying to make me understand, but at the same time I could see the hurt in her eyes, and as if also see the tears........
I stood there, not sure what to say, besides sorry, sorry, and more sorry.

Why do I say things like that?
Why to people I care about?
Why to anyone at all?
And I call myself a Buddhist?

If only she could know how sorry....

Pictures of Friesland!

OK, managed to uploaded lots of lovely pictures of my trip to Friesland!

Just to give you an idea of where I was... tada! Google Maps to the rescue!
My long train trip from The Hague (Den Haag) to Leeuwarden... took three hours!


My friend and I cycled from Harlingen to afsluitdijk... and back! You see along the sea coast the muddy sea is very visible from satellite pictures.

• Waddenzee sunset II
• Waddenzee
• Cycling back
• Afsluitdijk
• Afsluitdijk monument
• Afsluitdijk II
• Afsluitdijk
• Sneek
• Leeuwarden V
• Leeuwarden IV
• Leeuwarden III
• Leeuwarden II

Lee advert

Saw this advert in a shop window for Lee jeans...

Is it me, or does the ad look and sound like a gay sex ad???

For people who like it rough...

Videoclips from Friesland!

TAKE III: Afsluitdijk

TAKE IV: Bunker

TAKE VIII: Waddenzee monster

'David' in mud

Handsfree cycling

Frisian Days

I stood under the hot shower, feeling the jets of warmth splash all over my body, washing away all the mud, grime and tiredness that have been collecting over the past two days. It felt good to be back in the comforts of home , but closing my eyes, the sights and sounds of this past weekend still linger.

It all started with an unexpected email offer I got around a week ago. As a member of this youth organisation, I get bombarded with cheap offers to cultural events and trips... but this one just beats it all. A new youth hostel opened up in the far away village of Sneek. Tucked away in a sleepy corner of northern Netherlands, amid the green pastures and picturesque canals and dikes of Friesland, was the offer of one night accommodation, including breakfast for just 5 Euros! That's like the price of a sandwich, so how could David-- a notorious bargain-hunter who gets a kinky kick out of cheap deals-- possibly resist? And I could bring someone else along too!

So my friend and I hoped on the train yesterday morning, and rode for more than three hours to get to the far away province. Coincidentally, I found a way to save money by buying these ridiculously cheap train tickets that are valid for unlimited travel within a day. So travelling literally hundreds of kilometres from one end of the country to another cost only 9.95 per person (instead of 45!). Smiling at the cleverness of it all, we watched the green fields, forests and mooing cows fly by.

First stop was Leeuwaarden, the provincial capital of Friesland. Being almost at the most northern part of the country, the Frisians are often seen as odd farmers with their distinct culture and history. Earliest Frisians lived along the coast of the Netherlands stretching all the way up to Denmark some two thousand years ago. Today, Friesland is most famous for their sturdy cows and delicious dairy products , skating competitions (elfstedentocht) and 'pole jumping' (fierljeppen), and the home of the strange Frisian dialect.

What's more, the far north is notorious for being known as been extremely fanatic about religion. Indeed, as soon as we got off the station, we were greeted with a Christian youth group enacting the struggles between good and evil, and how a white-robed man (Jesus) can deliver us all from the world. I sat enjoying probably one of the most delicious portion of French Fries I've ever had, and watched the group make a grand scene between the hustle and bustle of the Saturday afternoon crowd of shoppers. There were laughs and sniggers, which disappeared as soon as a man stood up and started to preach salvation and sin. I started to walk on with my friend, and had a leaflet shoved into my hands by a cheery lady. "Come to our congregation and be saved!" I turned the leaflet over, and saw that they offered child minding services too. Being the free-thinking individual who subscribes to the philosophies of Buddhism that I already am, I no doubt immediately made a mental note to return come Sunday morning at eleven for a heavy dose of indoctrination and healing.


In the setting sun, we toured the old city a bit, strolling through the cobbled streets and in between quaint traditional doll-like Dutch houses. Eventually (unintentionally, of course), stumbled across the Red Light District. Perhaps not as sleazy and open (it wasn't open yet...) as in Amsterdam, but just proved that in a preaching and strict practising place where statues of Virgin Marias smile through almost every shop window, the oldest profession in the world is also practised too.

I wandered the streets alone by myself a bit, since for sometime my friend was somewhat having a cosier time with her work and mobile. Maybe it was being away from home, but things just looked more exciting and refreshing. It was as if the streets were bigger, the roads better paved, and the city was more spacious than where I live. Strange as it may seem, the most admirable were the public toilets at the station. Behind slick, shiny metal doors the toilet seat, the mobile seat itself, and the soaper-washer-dryer-in-one were all made out of polished steel. It felt like entering a surreal world of tomorrow, when all I wanted was to relief myself. You had the choice of entering the toilet by inserting a coin, or SMSing a certain number and entering a code, and the door will open for you too. Who would have thought, up there, in the far, far north, things were so futuristic?



The train to Sneek snaked slowly through the Friesian countryside in the dying light of dusk. The warm weather during the day met with the cold onslaught of night, and created a landscape shrouded in a veil of white fog, set in front of a horizon of purple and crimson orange. All too soon we had to step off of the train, but the little streets and cute houses of Sneek charmed us immediately.

The hostel was just amazing. So brand new that you could smell the fresh paint whiff through your nostrils. The bed linnen was still in its packaging, and the room I shared with two other people was really well furnished, with its own shower and toilet, as well as with a view of a broad river. Along the riverbank was a quay, where we took a walk, passing moored leisure yachts. Peeking through the little windows, I felt a little envious of the people inside, cuddled up cosily and enjoying glasses of wine on their own boats. But then again, leisure and simple pleasures like a stroll through the night taking deep breaths of frozen air that was intertwined with the smell of burning wood cost absolutely nothing, and can also be enjoyed by students with poor pay. Or, perhaps even better treasured exactly because we were poorly paid students .


After a good night's sleep, we enjoyed a filling breakfast before setting out into town in search of a bike to rent. The church bells rang, and people ran towards the centre of town. It was then that we realised that chances of a bike shop being open on a Sunday, in a town where the train track has only one line and isn't even electrified, was less than slim. It took a while, but we travelled back to Leeuwarden, and even though the city was just as dead (everyone else probably in church...), we did manage to rent two sturdy bikes. We rolled the bikes onto a train, and headed in the direction of the sea-port town of Harlingen.

From there, it was merely 9 kilometres towards our destination, the great Afsluitdijk ('Closure Dike'). We cycled along the coast, on a cycle-path that was constructed on a dike itself. The scenery was sublime, and weather wonderful. Feeling the gentle breeze through my hair, and autumn sun on my face as the sea flashed by on one side and green pasture on the other, I thought to myself that freedom is anything, it must be that sensation. The sea was so calm, and calming, and seagulls called in the distance, as if cheering us on. Some flew up high, and then suddenly plunged down, while others flew alongside us, as if chaperoning the two cyclist on their way back into nature, as we got further and further away from the city.




The Afsluitdijk itself is an impressive piece of engineering, and a monument to the Netherlands' constant and continuous war against water and flooding. Built in 1932, it connects two northern provinces of the country by cutting across what used to be the Zuiderzee ('South Sea'). The 32km dike has a highway on it, as well as a cycle-path. At two points there are locks and gates that can allow ships to pass through, and at the same time block rising seawater in times of storm. As a result of the dike, perhaps the largest artificial lake in the world was created (Ijsselmeer), and the water on one side has become fresh water, while the salty sea water of the Waddenzee ('Frisian Sea') is kept at bay on the other side. It was impressive to be standing on the dike, let alone cycle on it. It stretched as far as the eye can see, and seemed like a sword that cut through the sea, splitting it into two. In the distance, yachts sailed on by lazily, while the sun cast a sparkling golden reflection on the smooth sea surface.

At one point on the dike was a strange bunker, hidden under a hill. We ventured closer to take a look, and realised it was a part of a complex network of bunkers strategically covered over by grass and trees overlooking the open sea. We (or actually she...) wanted to go inside and explore, but I had a really bad feeling about it... the rusty lock, mangled furniture, empty bottles, and torn up clothes strung on the floor and dripping water and complete darkness seemed like a scene out of a horror movie, and my paranoia and claustrophobia kept conjuring images of us being locked and trapped down there screaming for help, as a psycho watches us suffer and grins. I stood at the entrance to the bunker, and shivered a little, as my friend took a peek inside. There was a reason why the area was fenced off with barbed wire that had badly corroded in the salty sea wind. Was I glad we finally left that place.


The day passed quickly, and soon enough the sun was setting fast over the Waddenzee. The low tide enticed us to take off our shoes and socks and jump onto the sand. But it wasn't sand, and we immediately sank into the famous mud! Brown, slimy goo splashed everywhere, and the more you struggle, the more you get stuck in deeper. And mud wasn't the only brown thing we stepped on. There were these pebbly and slimy things that looked like grapes and that collected in large amounts across the surface we walked on. We couldn't identify them, since they weren't really mud, and when you crush them, their become mushy and gooey. Hoping they weren't animal corpses, or worse, we just plodded on.


The seagulls stood still and weren't amused by these two growling monsters that were trespassing what was normally a tranquil and protected area. I was sure a couple of times I would loose my balance and fall flat on my face and soil my clothes even more than they already were. We waded wildly through the mud. My friend, curious and adventurous and daring as ever, ventured further out to where the ebb of sea met the temporary sand bank some distance away. I watched her stand there as the sun set behind her, a slim silhouette standing bravely in the sinking ground below but still ploughing determinedly onward. We each fingered a slob of mud and drew warrior marks on our faces, and laughed as we saw each other. Stomping around, we drew our names in the mud. Names that no doubt later that evening would be washed away by the rising tide, and lost save in the loose remnants of our memories.

The sun set even lower, and the bright light of day narrow to a magnificent golden glow splashing across the dimming evening sky of orange and various shades of blue and white. Just watching the sun shy away quicker and quicker made me smile for no reason.

There was no need for a reason.

A mighty heart

It was a powerful, but painful movie to watch.

Especially the scream… the long, howling wail as the wife discovers after almost two weeks of waiting and hoping that her husband, who simply disappeared, had been brutally beheaded by Jihadi kidnappers. The scream, her banging against the walls, the tears streaming down her already darkened eyes from lack of sleep, the saliva clinging onto the corners of her mouth as she wails, and wails and wails till there’s nothing else to wail but a heart-wrenching emptiness.

Nobody can imagine what it’s like to loose a beloved. Nobody can imagine what it’s like to wave goodbye to your beloved, believing later that night you’d meet again. Nobody can feel the pain and sorrow of Marianne Pearl.

A … Heart is a really touching movie based on the true story of a wife’s search for her husband after his unexplained disappearance in 2002. The main characters are no other than Wall Street Journal journalist Danny Pearl (…), who on his final day conducting investigative journalism in bustling Karachi was lured into a set-up by a terrorist cell and held hostage for many days.

What follows is the undying faith of his wife (Angelina Jolie) in love being able to survive and be felt despite the unknowns, despite the separation. Feelings more accentuated as she was at the time carrying his then five-months old baby in her. Within two hours, the movie is a powerful mix between intrigue, thriller, and suspense, captured in chaotic scenes, and depicting the consequences of the ‘humane treatment’ of (so-called) “illegal combatants” held captive at Guantanamo Bay, and what tormenting consequences it had on the Pearl family as events unfolded. It shows how the worst excesses of misguided foreign policies and wounded national prides can so perfectly intertwine with the deep-seated fanatism and hatred that can lead to such extremes of compelling people to hurt and instill fear into others in the name of the religion, and of vengeance. Anger leads to anger, and leads to violence, and leads to a self-perpetuating cycle of anger and violence that fuels feelings of ‘them against us’.

The husband does die. But the wife is brave and fights back the tears on TV. How many people are kidnapped everyday in Pakistan (or the rest of the world for that matter) and do we not feel their pain too, she asks. Indeed, in a fast-paced need for news, sensationalism and snapshots of weeping relatives seem to sell better than how people really feel. With the journalists brandishing cameras and constantly creating a nauseating fever and frenzy with their blinding flashes, there is a subtle critique perhaps that is best echoed in the line “Have you no soul?” which Marianne Pearl harks back at a TV interviewer. We may hope that those words echo stronger and linger longer than the few seconds that they spread in living rooms worldwide.

Most moving of all, strangely perhaps, was the moment when she gave birth. A moment of release… a moment of long-awaited anticipation… a moment of joy, that after all the waiting and longing, it was not in vain.

Birth after death, creation after destruction, love after hatred.

Linger

A friend send me this, which I thought was a really beautiful song.

It feels so warm when you are near
You are all I want to feel
Tell me now, is this for real?
It's hard to breathe
We're all lost and travelled high, cannot find my peace of mind
When the sun will rise again, we'll fly away

Take the stairs to the stars
Wander long, travel far

Someday

A summer breeze makes all of our winters freeze
Autumn leaves
There's no chance for spring's romance
We linger on but leave the past behind us
Old lovers live it all anew
But chances are so few

Windows open up to life
Put your worries all aside
Sacred silence closes doors for opened eyes

Take the stairs to the stars
Wander long, travel far

Someday
Always

A summer breeze makes all of our winters freeze
Autumn leaves
There's no chance for spring's romance
We linger on but leave the past behind us
Old lovers live it all anew
But chances are so few
And choices are so true...

Says a lot, doesn't it?

Protest!

I guess if there's one thing I can do, it's to write.

So I decided to write a protest email to my direct boss(es), and tell them how I feel about the sudden drop in my salary that they are offering me in this contract I received.

I was very clear and blunt. A promise is a promise, and you don't just suddenly break your promise because you change your mind. And you certainly don't do it if you make a promise that creates (false) expectations on the side of the other party. I mean, I'm working for the law faculty for pete's sake! They should know this better than anyone else!

I laid down the facts... that there was an agreement made before, and that it had been approved and known to the head of the department that they'd be paying me this X amount. That was the basis I accepted to work here, and also the reasons why I willingly turned down offers to work at excellent positions at two international courts! And they know that I turned down those opportunities, because I told them very clearly back in August about that.

And I also mentioned that I'm not at all obliged to stay working for them. In fact, I can pack my things and leave tomorrow, because I've not signed a contract yet. My previous contract as a student assistant during the summer ended in September already, and this new one that came through the mail was an extension and change of terms. Who would have thought they only increased my salary by EUR100 per month compared to that of a student assistant! I mean I've got a degree, and just about to complete another one! I've got experience, and I'm not stupid or incompetent (at least I don't think so, anymore....)! So, in very diplomatic language, I told them to either deal with the situation, or else go find someone else who will work for minimum wage.

The choice is theirs.

October 10

I was invited to a posh gala lunch today, and I didn't have to go very far. The hotel it was held in was five doors from where I work, so I put on a tie (hate ties!!) and a suit-jacket, and walked down the street.

I really don't like posh events, but it was really impressive to see, and it's not everyday that you get invited to go inside the most exclusive hotel in The Hague, where VIPs like (Bill) Clinton (when he was president still!) stayed.


The occasion was the 96th National Day of Taiwan (officially known as Republic of China, which I personally think is hideous and should never be used. The history and reason behind it is complicated, so Wikipedia can probably tell it better, or at least more neutrally...), and the event was held by Taiwan's de facto embassy here in The Netherlands. So the 'ambassador' was there, as well as representatives of lots of businesses, industries, as well as a number of Dutch parliamentarians.

The 'ambassador' (technically he's not, because Taiwan and the Netherlands don't have official diplomatic relations...) gave a speech. It was the usual kind of 'prep talk', praising the economic and political achievements that Taiwan has made in recent years, and praising the good friendship between Taiwan and the Netherlands. Primarily in the IT sector, since Taiwan produces the vast majority of LCD screens, but also huge in the horticulture industry, since together both countries cultivate the most orchids in the world. Of course, the 'ambassador' touched briefly on the topic of China, which plays a big role in why almost no country in the world dares to establish official relations with Taiwan, and why Taiwan is the only state not in the United Nations (even though it has a more efficient and democratic government, a prosperous economy and even though the people enjoy greater freedoms than much of the rest of the world...). The President himself was there... if only for a splitting second on tourism promotional video that was playing in the background on a huge 50inch flatscreen. Probably 'Made in Taiwan' too.



Then came one Dutch parliamentarian, who made a speech about how democracies should unite, and about how ridiculous China is abusing its power in the UN. He talked about that incident in the ECOSOC a few months ago ( I wrote about this too!) when China wanted to throw out pro-democracy NGO Liberal International just because the organisation advocated Taiwan's membership in the World Health Organisation. There was a silent boo in the hall. He assured everyone in the room that Taiwan has many friends in the Netherlands, including even the Foreign Minister who himself has many times supported pro-Taiwan measures in parliament, and he said that the Netherlands does care for countries and people who are free and democratic... unlike certain countries. Applause. Of course, the message could be even more effective if the Foreign Minister himself were present.

But I did see other important people... policy makers, university intellectuals (even my previous International Relations lecturer and respected foreign policy expert), and also some representatives from other embassies. In order not to create a diplomatic row, other embassies of course couldn't send anyone too 'important' to attend today's event. China's eyes and ears reach far and wide.


The food was just exquisite. In all my 23 years of eating and drinking, I've yet to come across such variety and delicacies as today! Just the main dish, there were half a dozen types of veal, fish, poultry and vegetarian dishes to choose from... not to mention the dozens of starters, salads, and other warm and cold platters, all neatly arranged before beautiful flower arrangements. The champagne and drinks kept on coming throughout the whole affair. And then there were the deserts...

chocolate ice-cream cake, hazelnut ice-cream cake, fresh raspberry tart, passion-fruit tart, even fresh tropical fruits I've not tasted in ages especially flown in from Taiwan, displayed enticingly next to hot-from-the-oven creme boulet, and plate after plate of delicious pies that are sure to give you a sugar high!

How did I, a humble (read poor) student/young professional end up there? Pure coincidence. When my mum was here, she revisited an old friend of hers, and it was this 'auntie' who suggested that I meet her outside the hotel and just 'tag along'. So for the better part of the gala, I 'tagged along', like a shy little puppy so unwillingly shown off to the world, as we woo-ed the room full of guests. The 'auntie' introduced me to one person to another, all old(er) and sophisticated members of the Taiwanese community. She was surprisingly proud of me, telling people how young I was, how talented I was (not), and how I completed my degree so quickly, and how I have such a well-respected and well-paying position at the university (...absolutely not). Embarrassing. Painful.

It's been such a long time since I last mingled with the Taiwanese community here. It seems like such a small world, where everyone knows each other, and where gossip travels even faster. Perhaps the last time I went to an event like this was more than ten years ago... and to be honest I don't really miss it. So to see all these strange faces and people I cannot even remember their names or what they do was overwhelming. But I just smiled, something I do so particularly well, and fiddled with my glass of champagne, while at the same time feeling the bubbles rush through and 'drunk' my head.


I went to get some food, and to my surprise I met someone. One look at her, and I thought I had met her before, but didn't dare to approach yet. I 'stalked' her a bit, and realised it was the very person I was thinking of, so went up to her.

Turns out, it was a classmate of mine who I've not seen for over five years! Funny. We talked, exchanged and compared notes, and realised that we've both travelled the world (a bit), but eventually still ended up studying at the same university (though at different faculties). She happens to be at the event in her capacity as the head of this society that is orientated towards international relations, and so she gets invited to these kinds of events a lot.

At the end of it all, I got my bag of free goodies, which contained all sorts of promotional materials, DVDs and CDs from Taiwan. I looked at the beautiful pictures of the lush high mountains and the deep blue sea with swimming with dolphins, and lost myself temporarily in scenes of exotic plants and wildlife, and in snapshots of people from different aborigines tribes and cultures living and working together on a little island in the Pacific... Memories of the country I came from, of the place where I was born and where I lived until six or so...

I stepped out onto the street, into the lazy Autumn sun, and saw the yellowing leaves twist and turn in the wind as they fell to the cobbled streets, and heard the clickety-clank of bicycles as men in suits cycled by. Lost in a scene of the country where I now live, and where I call home.

Consolation

I got up really early, even though I slept late last night. Despite the disappointment about my unexpected huge salary cut, I still went to work with joy, and wanting to make a good job of what I do.

Almost the whole day I was in meetings. First in the morning to meet a known professor of air (and space) law at my university who has a lot of contacts and an extensive networks. Because this year the case of the moot court competition I'm organising is dealing with air law, any company or organisation in the aviation field could be a big potential sponsor. With a lot of sponsoring, we can then make sure it's a big success in April, when the competition is held.

And the professor was extremely kind and helpful, and promised to support me all the way. He's already started to advertise on my behalf, and said he can kept big names like KLM (the biggest national airline of the Netherlands), and even Eurocontrol (the organisation in charge of air traffic coordination in Europe) to be involved in the event.

I left with hope, and a smile, and went to my next meeting. It was with my former boss, whom I'm succeeding at the office. She's been ever so kind all the way, ever since I started volunteering for her last year. She was the one who asked me to stay and work (paid!) during the summer, and she was one of the people who really pushed the university to offer me the position I'm in now, so I'm always really grateful for what she does for me. She's often there to help me, tell me what to do when I need help, and I thank her a lot, but she always says I shouldn't, which makes me really embarrassed and lost as what to say.

Anyways, today's meeting with her was a sort of 'passing-on of wisdom', because she's been doing my job for three years, so knows the competition really well. She gave me a lot of useful contacts, said she'd call and write to people on my behalf, and took me step by step through everything that needs to be done in the coming months. So patient, and so detailed! We were at her house, and she had two big fat cats that always stayed around, and occasionally nudged against us, which was really sweet. One even came to sit in my lap for a good ten minutes, until my legs started to get numb from his weight...

Just before I left, I took out a little card, and two gifts for her. As usual, she said I shouldn't have, but I really wanted to. I was really grateful.... you know the kind of gratefulness that even a thousand 'thank yous' can't express.... the kind of gratefulness that makes your eyes a little watery...

I came home and had a good dinner, after which my 'girlfriend' (for lack of a better word) called. We talked and chatted, like we often do, asking how one another's been today, and at one point she just broke down and started to cry...

She has a really stressful job that's not paid well, but makes her literally every single day of the week. She probably works more than twelve hours a day, and at weekends she even goes to work as well. But her colleagues don't seem to appreciate her and her hardwork. She's really tried so hard throughout her life, and had to do everything alone with no support from anyone (not even parents). She's working so hard, but seems like there's no recognition.

When her voice started wavered and she started to wimper, I felt like I could cry too... That's one 'problem' (if it's a problem...) with me, and it's that I'm too sensitive to other people's feelings, and they affect me. She started to cry, and talk about her anxieties and pains. I listened and now and then just 'hmm-ed..." in acknowledgement, but deep down inside wishing I could be there to hold her and tell her it'll be alright, tell her things aren't all that bad. I guess if there's one thing I can do well, it's to calm people down, and just let them cry, and to just listen, listen, listen. Because it's all that a lot of people need... a shoulder to cry on and a listening and caring heart to accompany them.

Just before we ended our conversation, almost one and a half hours later, she thanked me, again and again, for being there. This time, it was me feeling embarassed, and feeling like there's no need to thank at all.

I guess that's what my boss feels.

And I guess what goes around, comes around too.

Poor pay!

Just as I was thinking things at work were going so well, suddenly something comes through the mail and tells you differently!

Last week was the first official work week. It was busy, trying to get myself into the position and get used to the fact that I'm the teamleader in charge of two (soon to be four) people underneath me. I know these people from before, so I don't really see myself as "I'm in charge", but more as a team working together as equals. I think we work well together, and to encourage them and make them feel more 'at ease', I bought some fresh orange juice, donuts and even treated them to lunch. I hope they'll be 'happy workers', and feel good being at the office. That's my philosophy... if you're happy at work, you're more likely to be committed and more able to 'give' yourself to work, and that makes the whole atmosphere at work pleasant.

I opened the mail today, and it was my contract. They want me to sign it and return it ASAP. It contains all the details of my position, and also (very importantly) my salary. To my surprise (more like shock), I will be getting paid much less than they had already agreed! It's more than 400 Euros less, and which is a lot of money! Money I wanted to use to save up if I want to go abroad and study again!

In August when they started to negotiate about me staying on to work and coordinate the big moot court competition, they had shown me approximately how much I'd be earning. They even budgeted my salary into the costs of organising the competition, so it was pretty much clear. All this time I was of course under the impression I'd be making that X amount of money, and that was the basis on which I made all my plans to save up money, to use to pay bills and pay my parents for rent.

And suddenly, they send me a contract with so much less!!! I was so disappointed... but I had been warned by my colleagues that the university is not just bureaucratic, but also very, very cheap and expects people to work full-time on a part time salary. I mean, what is stated on my contract is just 100 Euros more every month when I was employed as a student assistant!!! And I know for a fact that what they're offering now is not much more than a cleaner at my building ( I spoke to one recently).

After taking away the computers that my team need to work, they do this? What are they trying to do? Cut back on costs? They can start by renting a cheaper building, instead of throwing away tens of thousands every month just on rent...

I'm not going to sign the contract, but I'll go make some noise! Who do they think they are? And to be honest, at this stage they need me more than I need them. If they're not willing to pay me the amount they wrote down in August, go find someone else. They can go find someone else who knows the competition like I do. They can go find someone and ask them to start organising this competition from scratch. See if they can have as much success.

Ridiculous...

The Pigeon

I stared at the pigeon for a good half an hour or so. The autumn sun was lazy, and so was I. Sitting on the bench, watching the waves in the canal bob up and down can be a mesmorising experience.

The pigeon floated toward me, and then away. And as if my eyes attracted the pigeon as it rode up and down with the waves, it floated back toward me again, and danced around my feet.

Its feathers weren't wet from the water, and the pigeon seemed so light and innocent. It's legs kicked in the water, as bloated chest faced the sky, in a posture reminiscence of a mating ritual. A shy coot came and mischievously pecked and pulled the pigeon, but the pigeon didn't budge or stir.
The pigeon just floated on the water, deep in sleep, its eyes closed, white and bloated after having caught death.

Drizzle and rain

I really had to bite on the inside of my cheeks to avoid the tears escaping my eyes. She turned back and waved goodbye, again and again, which made it even more difficult. And then she was gone.

I wandered around the empty airport building, wondering what to do, where to go. Of course, the terminal was full of people, but it might as well been empty. On the train journey home, I looked out the window, watched the rain fall and drizzle flutter against the dark gray horizon. The rocking motion of the train rocked me into sleep... and away from the moments of sadness before.

My brother had been kind enough to bring my mum to the airport, but throughout the almost one hour of drive, he didn't say a word. Perhaps it was because it was too early in the morning... But even at the airport, as my mum got her luggage, and just before he drove away. He didn't even say anything... not even a goodbye, not even a hug. Just like that...
I'm really upset by his behaviour... just because my mum told him to move (which is nothing wrong at all!), he just became all distant and trying to act hurt... My mum worked hard to come here and see us, to take a little time out to relax and enjoy a holiday, and he treats her like this! And if I'm upset, imagine what my mum must feel... so utterly disappointed and heartbroken...

I opened my eyes half an hour later, just as the train pulled into my city. Stepping off, I wondered if I should go to work, or just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. As soon as I got home, and realising that my brother's girlfriend was there, I decided to grab my bags and swimming gear leave again. Only to come back just now, a little after midnight. Back to my old lifestyle of avoiding home as often as I can...

So I headed into town, and decided I needed to make myself 'pretty', so got a haircut. I guess that made me feel a little better about myself... Then I met my 'girlfriend' for lunch, and we chatted, trying to catch up things that's been happening in the last month that I've been away (studying and travelling).

She noticed it, but I guess I felt it too... at the canteen where we ate, the cashier guy wasn't just checking out the soup and salad I bought for lunch, but also checking me out! And he did it in such an obvious way... big smile, very friendly and polite, and kept looking at me. Even as we left, he kept looking at me and smiling... I don't get that much, so it must be the new haircut. Flattering... but I need someone who likes more than just looks... I need someone who can understand me, who I can understand and talk to everyday and still feel like it's the first time we met.

I went to work at three in the afternoon for a few hours. It didn't matter, because I'm my own boss now, and today was the first 'official' day of my new position as coordinator of the big competition! I say 'official' day, but I've been involved throughout the summer, so today was just like any other day at work. I wasn't at the office for almost the whole of September, and what do I see as I enter my office? Two of the three computers that are ordinarily there have disappeared! At first, I thought we were robbed, but my colleagues who work in another building told me one day the 'superiors' decided that they needed to cut costs. But for so many years, we've always had three computers, because to organise the competition we need around four students to assist us, and nowadays everything is done through email. How do they expect us to do our work? No consideration at all, and they didn't even ask me before they took the computers away! :( My boss is busy trying to get the computers back, but for the time being, I'm in charge of a big office with empty desks, and just one computer...

After work, I still didn't want to go home, like often, so I went swimming as planned. Went to a swimming pool I used to go as a little boy, but haven't been for over ten years. So many changes! And they've added so many new facilities that it's now bigger and better. The pool was empty, except for some middleaged ladies having aqua-aerobics lessons to terrible techno music. I swam around happily for an hour or so, and then got up. But I didn't go just yet, as this steam chamber caught my eye.

"Eucalyptus oil steam bath. Guaranteed to relieve stress after a hard day"

Hmmm, just what I needed, so I entered the cubicle and for the next ten minutes started to sweat in places I didn't know could sweat...! The eucalyptus oil and fragrance cleared my mind, and when the cold shower suddenly started at the end, I felt so refreshed, and ready to go.

But again, I didn't want to go home... even though it was already nine and the air was misty and damp and cold. I called my friend to just talk, but that quickly turned into a dinner date, because neither of us had eaten. We shopped together, and cooked together a big healthy meal of lots of vegetables and rice, and ate it over hot cups of tea and candlelight. So lovely... sitting there, talking and bonding, sharing our feelings.

When I was about to leave, we hugged each other goodbye, and I kissed her in the neck quite spontaneously. First time I did that, but she seemed to like it. It's not in any erotic way, and we both know it. But we both need it... because we're one another's 'substitute for love'.

Especially needed on nights when it's cold, drizzling, and raining...

Any other world

"In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a Lonely, lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defenses

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To make myself let go


'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in [x2]
Say goodbye

In any other world
You could tell the difference

[Spoken]
"I never ever, I forget my story.
My face is no sad, but inside, I am sad."

Family feuds...

("Letting tears go...")

My mum and I had wonderful times together in the past few weeks, travelling, connecting, and relating to one another's happinesses and pains. And as if there's still so much to say, she has to go away again. I feel sorry to see her go... mostly because she's going back to a stressful life living with my dad and going back to her stressful job. It's tires her out. I can tell... through the wrinkles on her face, through the whitening hair around her ears, and through the look in her eyes...

I told her many times to retire early, and to take care of her health, because she just recently survived cancer and the last thing she needs is stress and tension. What's more important, I ask her always, to make money or live a happy life? Of course she knows it's the latter. But many things seem to prevent her from quitting her job. Mostly fears of being financially insecure, and partly because she doesn't know where to go.

I told her to come stay here, but she really doesn't want to live with my brother and his girlfriend, who have practically taken control of the whole house. Even in the short time my mum was here, she feels like she's the guest, even though she owns the house and has more rights than my brother or his girlfriend... She told my brother that he should move, go find a place of his own and start his own home... And that was met with days of sulking and cold-war! So childish... My brother's almost thirty, and makes a lot of money (more than average!), and he still thinks that it's right to be living in my parents home and to take a girlfriend home to live here. And he doesn't even pay rent!

I told him clearly: it's alright if you rent a house and live with your girlfriend, but now you're living at home and taking the girlfriend into our family home. We're not trying to break them apart of interfere with his life. We're just telling him to go build his own home somewhere else... anywhere, just not in the family home. I mean I'm four years younger than him, and I've already made plans to move out once I save up some money! Why didn't that come into his mind? Isn't it the most natural thing to leave home when you grow up?

But he just doesn't seem to understand or see how his actions and his girlfriend living here makes many things complicated. He just got extremely angry and treated my mum as if she's trying to make him homeless, or trying to come between him and his girlfriend. Such rubbish! All that sulking, not-talking, sighing loudly, and giving us all the angry 'evil' look.... He said things like he'll have to go get two jobs now, or that he'll have to sell his car because my mum wants him to move out, which is complete and utter rubbish. And he started to blame my mum for coming here, and giving him financial pressure by going on holiday. Excuse me!? It was him who wanted to go on holiday... it was he who made the plans... and it was my mum and me who paid for the trips!

He's been living at home for two years, but not saved a single cent! All because he wanted to buy that expensive new car. I had told him so many times that he'll have to consider the consequences if he bought a new car, but of course he didn't listen. The advice of his little brother is just too cheap to be useful. He just thinks I or my mum would always be there to support him, to pay for bills and to help him. But no. Enough is enough. He has to move!

My mum was a lot of the time upset and really disappointed with my brother... there was even this time she cried, while we were on holiday in Prague. How can my brother be so unreasonable, so selfish, and not think at all about other people or how they feel? I listened to their arguments, to my brother shouting and saying all these things that seem to make us the 'wrongdoers', and I feel so sorry for my mum... she's already ill, and has to deal with this kind of disrepectful and ungrateful person... she's already ill, and has enough worries, but are made even worse with someone else's selfishness and inconsideration for other people... I was on holiday in Prague, surrounded by such magnificent scenery and beauty, but with such terrible company.

No wonder why I had to take so much 'time out' to be alone and go do what I wanted to... it was often just too much to bear.

Shattered glass

Sometime ago I saw some gorgeous purple tulips made out of beautiful Bohemian crystals. They were really cheap, a rare find, and I bought a few of them to decorate my own room. They are so delicately hand-crafted, and so life-like that if you stand from far away you can't tell them apart from real ones. Only when you look close do you realise that they are out of cold glass, yet, no less beautiful.

When my mum came to visit almost three weeks back, I put them in a vase and placed them in her room. To welcome her home, to welcome her back to the Netherlands... back to the land of tulips.

The tulips smashed and shattered into bits and pieces. Ironically on the eve of her departure. I heard a loud bang next door, and ran over. On the ground was the vase, and out of it, spread in all directions, were shards of sharp glass.

"How terrible..." she said, her face obviously in shock. "What a terrible thing to happen to add to an already broken heart".

Deep, and even more so because it's so true.

"It's alright," I said lowly, "It's just glass, nothing precious. As long as no one was hurt". And it wasn't the shattered tulips and broken glass that made me sad, or that hurt as I picked them up.

I don't like goodbyes, and I don't think they like me, but they do seem to keep on meeting me. The worst is the few days, few hours, few minutes before the inevitable happens. Yes, goodbyes are inevitable... because it's the one thing that's sure when you meet.

In a few hours, I'll be standing at the airport and hugging my mum goodbye... makes me sad to just think about it.

Worse because I'm not sure when I'll see her again... if ever...

Travel pics!

You can see my Czech Republic travel pictures
HERE and HERE!