Mean David

David is not all that innocent and pretty as he seems. In fact, David has a sharp tongue, and can often say things that hurt people, intentionally or not.

It was a beautiful day, cold--in fact freezing-- and I went cycling in the forest and sand dunes with three friends. We went far, and the cold air was freezing our ears and fingers, but the conversation and connection between us seemed to warm us all, and before we knew it, we found ourselves on a far and isolated beach watching the red sun set four hours later.

We stood there, admiring the calm sea pick up speed with the evening tide, and we drew our names in the sand, exchanging jokes and lives. At one point I said a really sneaky comment, insinuating that someone would really love to hug and rub bodies together to keep warm. In this group of three others girls, it could have implied nothing more than that someone has lesbian tendencies. And I said this, knowing very well that one person has difficulties with her sexuality, because she told me in confidence about it.

But I made a joke, a terrible, terrible joke, which to anyone paying attention would have immediately realise the subtleties of what I meant, or was trying to imply.

That friend confronted me with the issue, telling me how really hurt and how betrayed she feels. And I felt horrible... without trying to make it all seem like it was about me, I said I really often don't realise how what I say can hurt people so easily... It's not what I say it, but the words I choose to say it, and how I say it. It's frankly sneaky and snide, sometimes downright vicious and vile that even I'm surprised that the words have come out of my mouth. Sometimes I think I'm so merciless and clever that nobody would understand what I'm saying, but people do! And what's worse is that I think I say certain things because I know it will somehow 'poke fun' at someone, or will somehow make that person feel bad... it's as if I do it deliberately, and feel myself to be so clever that I can make 'funny' jokes at other people's expense.

But it's just downright horrible and mean! Horrible and Mean David! : (

I felt really terrible as my friend told me how she felt about today.... even more so because she wasn't trying to blame me or accuse me, but was simply trying to tell me how simple things I say can really hurt and harm others. And it hurt her today, which is the last thing I'd want to because I really care about her a lot... a lot! : (

I cycled home at close to 3am, feeling my heart really heavy, and my head replaying the scene between my friend and me. She was so calm and was just trying to make me understand, but at the same time I could see the hurt in her eyes, and as if also see the tears........
I stood there, not sure what to say, besides sorry, sorry, and more sorry.

Why do I say things like that?
Why to people I care about?
Why to anyone at all?
And I call myself a Buddhist?

If only she could know how sorry....