'tis the eve of the Eve before Christmas Day. For some reason, this year does not feel so special. I listen to Christmas songs on the radio, I've put up decorations with friends, I've even bought lots of food and drinks in preparation for a big feast with friends later this evening... And the snow that has stayed away till today finally fell, making it a real White Christmas...
But I don't feel the Christmas spirit. I feel blasé , uninspired, not really moved by the festivities (though the Nutcracker helped a bit to boost the feeling inside me...). It feels as if this holiday season came soon quickly, too quickly, and I do not even realise it. What have I been up to this December that Christmas just crept up on me? Traveling, working on finishing my thesis, and caught up by worries of my mother's ailing condition, agitated by fears of slowly losing my good/best friend, my ex...
I know, Christmas is a time for counting your blessing, for being thankful of all the people in your life, for having hope and dreams and wishes... And I am truly blessed in many ways, in more ways I care to remind myself of, in more ways I really actually notice living from day to day...
But this year, it just feels so dull (so far... It could all change in the coming days...). Is it because this year I completely did not spend any time or effort writing dozens of cards for friends and family around the world? Or is it because I just am so tired to get caught up buying and giving gifts?
Christmas... aside from the commercial aspects, aside from the religious roots, it's a wonderfully warm and magical season of the year. But I'm not feeling it at all this year...
24 December 2011
23 December 2011
Snowstorm
Braving snow and ice, I left my apartment at midnight twenty, hauling a
huge purple suitcase. I' coughing badly, and have a headache, and just
want to go sleep... But I'm on my way...
Why do I do this? For a friend. And because it's probably one of the few nights i can surprise him so.
There are reasons why I shouldn't do this... For one, I don't feel comfortable sleeping at his place any more ever since he said he's "seeing someone". I just cannot relax fully knowing perhaps in the same bed my ex has been having intimate relations with another... I just don't want expose myself to more hurt, more heart ache than necessary...
And after all the help I've offered my friend, he wrote me a message today saying I've only been there to help with the exciting fun of setting up a new home, but not there to help him with the difficult task of taking his old home apart... It hurt to hear that from him, because I've really tried and tried so hard to help him in whatever way, despite having been terribly busy (and terribly sick still) myself. But I guess he's just frustrated at the million and one things he has to do before leaving and moving away.
So here I am on the metro, on my way to his place. Purely to help a friend in need, a friend who is desperate for any help. I don't expect anything, and with the many things that are going through my ex's mind right, this little gesture may seem insignificant. But I'd do anything to help, and to show that I care.
Why do I do this? For a friend. And because it's probably one of the few nights i can surprise him so.
There are reasons why I shouldn't do this... For one, I don't feel comfortable sleeping at his place any more ever since he said he's "seeing someone". I just cannot relax fully knowing perhaps in the same bed my ex has been having intimate relations with another... I just don't want expose myself to more hurt, more heart ache than necessary...
And after all the help I've offered my friend, he wrote me a message today saying I've only been there to help with the exciting fun of setting up a new home, but not there to help him with the difficult task of taking his old home apart... It hurt to hear that from him, because I've really tried and tried so hard to help him in whatever way, despite having been terribly busy (and terribly sick still) myself. But I guess he's just frustrated at the million and one things he has to do before leaving and moving away.
So here I am on the metro, on my way to his place. Purely to help a friend in need, a friend who is desperate for any help. I don't expect anything, and with the many things that are going through my ex's mind right, this little gesture may seem insignificant. But I'd do anything to help, and to show that I care.
22 December 2011
Abuse
A harrowing report on child abuse... and this is just in the United States.
"Abused children are 74 times more likely to commit crimes against others and six times more likely to maltreat their own children..."This begs so many questions I do not know if I can ever answer...
Phone calls
Something is wrong. Before, mum sounded energetic on the phone, but nowadays she sounds just tired and down. It's heavy to deal with in the morning, first thing as soon as I wake up in the morning to be talking to someone who sounds so tired and unwell. Why do I call at that time? Why do I put myself through heavy conversations that more or less set the "tone" of my day...? Because I feel responsible...
Sometimes, after speaking to her, I feel so exhausted, and I just close my eyes and go back to sleep... Because that seems to be the easiest way to blink out the heaviness, to let the aroused feelings of anguish and frustrations settle.
Today, she sounded even worse as her voice sounded very coarse. She said it was because she took some herbal medicine, which is quite concentrated, and within an hour or so of taking this medicine, she is not supposed to drink any water. But even so, hearing her voice like that wasn't reassuring, especially knowing from my uncle and aunt that mum has become visibly frailer compared to before.
I tried to cheer her up, and talk about the exciting ballet I went to see last night with friends. But mum just was tired and wanted to go to bed. My excitement was dampened, and my attempt to distract her from brooding thoughts of painkillers, pains and lethargy failed.
These days I search and search so hard to find something to cheer her up, but I cannot think of much. I myself am in need of cheering up... I myself need someone to make me laugh, make me smile...
A few more days and the gift package my friend and I made should arrive. Hopefully that will bring her renewed feelings of freshness and joy, hopefully the gifts will touch her and warm her during these cold, cold and dark Winter days...
Sometimes, after speaking to her, I feel so exhausted, and I just close my eyes and go back to sleep... Because that seems to be the easiest way to blink out the heaviness, to let the aroused feelings of anguish and frustrations settle.
Today, she sounded even worse as her voice sounded very coarse. She said it was because she took some herbal medicine, which is quite concentrated, and within an hour or so of taking this medicine, she is not supposed to drink any water. But even so, hearing her voice like that wasn't reassuring, especially knowing from my uncle and aunt that mum has become visibly frailer compared to before.
I tried to cheer her up, and talk about the exciting ballet I went to see last night with friends. But mum just was tired and wanted to go to bed. My excitement was dampened, and my attempt to distract her from brooding thoughts of painkillers, pains and lethargy failed.
These days I search and search so hard to find something to cheer her up, but I cannot think of much. I myself am in need of cheering up... I myself need someone to make me laugh, make me smile...
A few more days and the gift package my friend and I made should arrive. Hopefully that will bring her renewed feelings of freshness and joy, hopefully the gifts will touch her and warm her during these cold, cold and dark Winter days...
21 December 2011
Cold
Mum may have been found, but noticeably she sounds more frail and weaker. On the phone today she told me again that she feels personally the treatment does not seem to be working any more. "So many treatments, and I'm getting weaker and weaker..." Is there an end in sight? How much longer? How much more?
The tiredness, I hear it in her voice, I hear it in the way she talks about how her days, which mainly consist of staying at home, watching TV and surfing the net. Even just reading takes a lot of energy, and she feels like she is losing her eyesight, and straining hard to see... When she went "missing", I called my aunt, and she said mum has really lost a lot of weight, and that she will try to spend as much time with mum as possible to make sure mum eats properly. "Because when she is alone she doesn't eat well enough..."
Mum said her feet and hands are really cold, and that another cold front is fast approaching. The other day, my ex and I were at this exposition of arts and crafts made by local artists and craftspeople, and he insisted on buying something warm for mum to wear. He actually proposed to buy slippers decked with lambs wool, but I said that it would be too warm and that she would never wear it. I said that in a way also so my friend would not have to spend so much money, especially as he has already bought a lot for mum. And the slippers were close to a hundred dollars a pair...
Funny thing, when I asked what I could send her for the new year, she said perhaps some warm slippers. How wrong I was... So earlier today I rushed to the expo again to buy the slippers, and placed it inside a box containing all sorts of goodies and gifts.
At the bottom of the pile, I included a copy of my thesis. The thesis I finally finished and dedicated to my mum. Inside, I wrote a long message, thanking her (and dad) for all the support and encouragement she has (they have) given me throughout my life. "This thesis is about preventing conflict in outer space and concern for the natural environment," I wrote, "Because these are values that you [my parents] have instilled in me since childhood."
I'm not sure what mum will think when she reads that. But with the completion of the thesis, soon the Japanese daruma doll mum bought in Japan a few years back can have one of his eyes "opened". For the completion of this degree is a life wish of hers, and I have finally been able to accomplish yet another, and make her proud.
The tiredness, I hear it in her voice, I hear it in the way she talks about how her days, which mainly consist of staying at home, watching TV and surfing the net. Even just reading takes a lot of energy, and she feels like she is losing her eyesight, and straining hard to see... When she went "missing", I called my aunt, and she said mum has really lost a lot of weight, and that she will try to spend as much time with mum as possible to make sure mum eats properly. "Because when she is alone she doesn't eat well enough..."
Mum said her feet and hands are really cold, and that another cold front is fast approaching. The other day, my ex and I were at this exposition of arts and crafts made by local artists and craftspeople, and he insisted on buying something warm for mum to wear. He actually proposed to buy slippers decked with lambs wool, but I said that it would be too warm and that she would never wear it. I said that in a way also so my friend would not have to spend so much money, especially as he has already bought a lot for mum. And the slippers were close to a hundred dollars a pair...
Funny thing, when I asked what I could send her for the new year, she said perhaps some warm slippers. How wrong I was... So earlier today I rushed to the expo again to buy the slippers, and placed it inside a box containing all sorts of goodies and gifts.At the bottom of the pile, I included a copy of my thesis. The thesis I finally finished and dedicated to my mum. Inside, I wrote a long message, thanking her (and dad) for all the support and encouragement she has (they have) given me throughout my life. "This thesis is about preventing conflict in outer space and concern for the natural environment," I wrote, "Because these are values that you [my parents] have instilled in me since childhood."
I'm not sure what mum will think when she reads that. But with the completion of the thesis, soon the Japanese daruma doll mum bought in Japan a few years back can have one of his eyes "opened". For the completion of this degree is a life wish of hers, and I have finally been able to accomplish yet another, and make her proud.
20 December 2011
turning away
"How can anyone turn away and not feel the least guilty?" I asked "How can anyone do that and sleep at night, knowing how much hurt has been caused?" These questions have plagued my mind for such a long time, even though I know I probably will never know the answer. Somethings will in life always remain a mystery. And you just have to accept it.
"Not everyone feels as you do. Some can switch off their feelings and get on with their lives. So should you."
Those words I knew were coming. I expected them. I too must one day learn to be smart, to turn away and not look back.
"Not everyone feels as you do. Some can switch off their feelings and get on with their lives. So should you."
Those words I knew were coming. I expected them. I too must one day learn to be smart, to turn away and not look back.
lost and found
Mum was fine. eventually after dozens of times calling, after so many people searching for her and trying to contact her, she arrived back home safe and sound.
She did go to visit her friend an enjoy many soaks in the hot springs. She had a relaxing time, time during which the reoccurring pains and sores did not bother her so much. She felt bad that so many people were looking for her and became so worried. A friend of hers, who calls everyday to check up on her, almost didn't sleep. Brother reportedly smoked a whole pack of cigarettes out of nervousness. I sat at home, trying to find things to do to distract myself, while calling and calling every hour or so... I even found flights and half packed my bags just in case I needed to fly out this morning...
I said that its all a sign that so many people care so much, and that it's special to be thought of so much. Mum said she was touched by the big international search operation, and laughed when I told her my fear that she had misled me and instead checked into the hospital for surgery. "So pessimistic!" she said of me.
I'm relieved that mum is alright. My ex came by late at night to keep me company, interrupted a date he had just to be with me. I wasn't very responsive, and was even distant and rude toward him when he came by, despite me repeatedly telling him not to. But came and stayed, and showed by being there through this episode, as difficult as it is to comprehend, how much he loves me...
I'm relieved mum is alright. A heavy heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders, and for a while after I finally saw mum on Skype I sat in bed dazed and trembling, holding tightly onto the teddy bear mum gave me... It felt like I was holding her, hugging her tightly, and not wanting to let go.
"It's like a fire drill..." This entire episode of disappearance and mobilising so many people to search for mums whereabouts felt like preparation for something. It was just false alarm this time, and at the end of the day could smile again...
But one day it'll not be just a drill but for real.
She did go to visit her friend an enjoy many soaks in the hot springs. She had a relaxing time, time during which the reoccurring pains and sores did not bother her so much. She felt bad that so many people were looking for her and became so worried. A friend of hers, who calls everyday to check up on her, almost didn't sleep. Brother reportedly smoked a whole pack of cigarettes out of nervousness. I sat at home, trying to find things to do to distract myself, while calling and calling every hour or so... I even found flights and half packed my bags just in case I needed to fly out this morning...
I said that its all a sign that so many people care so much, and that it's special to be thought of so much. Mum said she was touched by the big international search operation, and laughed when I told her my fear that she had misled me and instead checked into the hospital for surgery. "So pessimistic!" she said of me.
I'm relieved that mum is alright. My ex came by late at night to keep me company, interrupted a date he had just to be with me. I wasn't very responsive, and was even distant and rude toward him when he came by, despite me repeatedly telling him not to. But came and stayed, and showed by being there through this episode, as difficult as it is to comprehend, how much he loves me...
I'm relieved mum is alright. A heavy heavy weight was lifted from my shoulders, and for a while after I finally saw mum on Skype I sat in bed dazed and trembling, holding tightly onto the teddy bear mum gave me... It felt like I was holding her, hugging her tightly, and not wanting to let go.
"It's like a fire drill..." This entire episode of disappearance and mobilising so many people to search for mums whereabouts felt like preparation for something. It was just false alarm this time, and at the end of the day could smile again...
But one day it'll not be just a drill but for real.
Disgusting
He told me my behaviour in recent weeks disgusts him, that at times he
cannot even bare to see me or my face. Yes, I've become extremely
bitter in the past few weeks, especially ever since my return from
Taiwan in October, when a day later he went off on a trip with the "guy
he's seeing".
My ex told me a few weeks ago not to think too much, not to worry, to have patience. Nothing serious is going on between him and the guy he's seeing, he told me. What he said made me feel like he would at any moment turn around and say "i want to be with you". The flirtatious comments, the sleeping next to one another, the intimate moments now and then only added to that feeling.
Last night, he slept over at my place, and come morning the mood soured when he said he'd be seeing the guy he's seeing.
How can he do this and not feel at all conflicted? How can he one night lie next to me and want to have warm, beautiful hugs when the next night most likely he'll do the same with another boy? How can anybody not feel at all torn inside? Sure, I caused this, and that's what my ex will tell me when I ask him. I caused this mess, and I am very sorry for it... But at times, especially when my ex told me to have patience, to not worry, it's as if he's trying to hang onto me while he goes and tries to see if things will work out with this guy he's seeing.
I don't blame him, but myself for being so foolish, for being so silly and ignoring my friends' warnings to stay away from my ex and to avoid getting hurt.
He tells me my behaviour over the past few weeks have made it more and more difficult to like me, and has cast doubt on his mind on getting back together with me.
I agree... I have been a vile and disgusting creature, driven by jealousy, possessiveness (even though I don't own him at all, even though I have no control over his heart and his mind...). I have descended to such vile depths to taken a little man from his apartment, an incident that caused him much distress and later disappointment... What have I become? How has this entire episode, the lingering relationship and tattered friendship between my friend and I turned me into a monster driven by bitterness and frustration? I have only myself to blame, and I look at myself and feel vile and disgusted, ugly and unlovable...
I know I caused all the mess, I know I cannot lament anyone, for we could have had it all were it not for my holding back and hesitations. And the past few weeks, my feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and frustration are pointing to one thing... He's not worth it. He's not worth me beating myself up and feeling so poorly about myself when in the background is mum's ailing condition (and today sudden disappearance...). He has been there to support me, to hold me and to make me strong when I most need someone... But now he just somehow makes me feel weaker, more scattered and mote insecure about myself than ever before. Before he was a source of strength, now he's somehow become a drain on my energy and happiness... And it's so sad, so very sad to see that happening, to see us, best friends, descend and slide seemingly to distant friends who because of the feuds and unresolved issues, are becoming more and more distant.
It's me, it's not him. I care about him still deeply, perhaps too much, and I want him to be happy. But more and more, through our arguments, my sudden turns of "bitch*ness" as he terms it, my lashing out, feelings of bitterness and frustrations are irritating my mind and senses, taking over my thoughts and waking moments....
And it is so ugly, so very, very ugly to be and feel this way...
I can hardly recall when I have ever felt so ugly and deflated...
My ex told me a few weeks ago not to think too much, not to worry, to have patience. Nothing serious is going on between him and the guy he's seeing, he told me. What he said made me feel like he would at any moment turn around and say "i want to be with you". The flirtatious comments, the sleeping next to one another, the intimate moments now and then only added to that feeling.
Last night, he slept over at my place, and come morning the mood soured when he said he'd be seeing the guy he's seeing.
How can he do this and not feel at all conflicted? How can he one night lie next to me and want to have warm, beautiful hugs when the next night most likely he'll do the same with another boy? How can anybody not feel at all torn inside? Sure, I caused this, and that's what my ex will tell me when I ask him. I caused this mess, and I am very sorry for it... But at times, especially when my ex told me to have patience, to not worry, it's as if he's trying to hang onto me while he goes and tries to see if things will work out with this guy he's seeing.
I don't blame him, but myself for being so foolish, for being so silly and ignoring my friends' warnings to stay away from my ex and to avoid getting hurt.
He tells me my behaviour over the past few weeks have made it more and more difficult to like me, and has cast doubt on his mind on getting back together with me.
I agree... I have been a vile and disgusting creature, driven by jealousy, possessiveness (even though I don't own him at all, even though I have no control over his heart and his mind...). I have descended to such vile depths to taken a little man from his apartment, an incident that caused him much distress and later disappointment... What have I become? How has this entire episode, the lingering relationship and tattered friendship between my friend and I turned me into a monster driven by bitterness and frustration? I have only myself to blame, and I look at myself and feel vile and disgusted, ugly and unlovable...
I know I caused all the mess, I know I cannot lament anyone, for we could have had it all were it not for my holding back and hesitations. And the past few weeks, my feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and frustration are pointing to one thing... He's not worth it. He's not worth me beating myself up and feeling so poorly about myself when in the background is mum's ailing condition (and today sudden disappearance...). He has been there to support me, to hold me and to make me strong when I most need someone... But now he just somehow makes me feel weaker, more scattered and mote insecure about myself than ever before. Before he was a source of strength, now he's somehow become a drain on my energy and happiness... And it's so sad, so very sad to see that happening, to see us, best friends, descend and slide seemingly to distant friends who because of the feuds and unresolved issues, are becoming more and more distant.
It's me, it's not him. I care about him still deeply, perhaps too much, and I want him to be happy. But more and more, through our arguments, my sudden turns of "bitch*ness" as he terms it, my lashing out, feelings of bitterness and frustrations are irritating my mind and senses, taking over my thoughts and waking moments....
And it is so ugly, so very, very ugly to be and feel this way...
I can hardly recall when I have ever felt so ugly and deflated...
19 December 2011
Nutcracker
I was lured into dressing up for the evening. So I excitedly put on my
suit, a nice tailor made shirt and a classy tie to go with it, thinking
we're all going out to a fancy restaurant.
Making sure I was ontime, because my friend said the table would only be kept for us for fifteen minutes, I left home a bit early and arrived with minutes to spare. Once in a while, especially at this very special period of the year, it's ok to "splash out" and splurge. Even though I was a bit taken aback by how much the dinner would cost so I still went. Besides, I've not really "celebrated" since handing in my thesis.
My friends arrived, and my ex handed us all a piece of paper. I was puzzled... Weren't we going to dinner? I didn't eat much for lunch thinking there'd be a fancy feast at night. Instead in my hand was a ticket to see Casse-Noissete (the Nutcracker)...
I was a bit dazed, a bit surprised to have been deceived into thinking and preparing for something, but it turned out to be something else. I guess it's only fair that I play tricks and try to pull off big surprises on my ex, so he's "paying me back" with an unexpected surprise of his own. Funny thing was, some time ago I actually asked if he wanted to go with me to watch the ballet, but he was non committal. And I wanted to surprise him by just buying him a ticket to go together, and were I not in a hurry today, I would have probably got the ticket...
The performance was beautiful, simply magical. As a child, I listened to the Nutcracker story over and over again. The picture book I read and re-read till the pages were torn at the sides. I can still picture the tin soldier and the ballerina, how they waltzed and danced late into the night...
Later on, for a period of time during my university years, I would get lost in the tsaikovsky's grand compositions whenever I rode the tube. I know the music through and through, and it has been forever it feels since I last saw the performance live on stage.
The costumes were bright and colourful, the decor warming and fairy-tale like. I was soon pulled in, and like a friend said, reliving the dreams and fantasies of a little child who could dance and play with soldiers and ballerinas. The music, the dance, the swift, agile movements and steps. I was absorbed by the performance, touched by that magical, magical spirit of Christmas I have found ao lacking this year...
Making sure I was ontime, because my friend said the table would only be kept for us for fifteen minutes, I left home a bit early and arrived with minutes to spare. Once in a while, especially at this very special period of the year, it's ok to "splash out" and splurge. Even though I was a bit taken aback by how much the dinner would cost so I still went. Besides, I've not really "celebrated" since handing in my thesis.
My friends arrived, and my ex handed us all a piece of paper. I was puzzled... Weren't we going to dinner? I didn't eat much for lunch thinking there'd be a fancy feast at night. Instead in my hand was a ticket to see Casse-Noissete (the Nutcracker)...
I was a bit dazed, a bit surprised to have been deceived into thinking and preparing for something, but it turned out to be something else. I guess it's only fair that I play tricks and try to pull off big surprises on my ex, so he's "paying me back" with an unexpected surprise of his own. Funny thing was, some time ago I actually asked if he wanted to go with me to watch the ballet, but he was non committal. And I wanted to surprise him by just buying him a ticket to go together, and were I not in a hurry today, I would have probably got the ticket...
The performance was beautiful, simply magical. As a child, I listened to the Nutcracker story over and over again. The picture book I read and re-read till the pages were torn at the sides. I can still picture the tin soldier and the ballerina, how they waltzed and danced late into the night...
Later on, for a period of time during my university years, I would get lost in the tsaikovsky's grand compositions whenever I rode the tube. I know the music through and through, and it has been forever it feels since I last saw the performance live on stage.
The costumes were bright and colourful, the decor warming and fairy-tale like. I was soon pulled in, and like a friend said, reliving the dreams and fantasies of a little child who could dance and play with soldiers and ballerinas. The music, the dance, the swift, agile movements and steps. I was absorbed by the performance, touched by that magical, magical spirit of Christmas I have found ao lacking this year...
Still missing..
Almost 24hrs since I last spoke to mum, since anyone in the immediate range of friends and relatives spoke to mum.
Still out of contact.
If I cannot get a hold of her by morning, I'm flying out.
Still out of contact.
If I cannot get a hold of her by morning, I'm flying out.
missing in action
I last spoke to mum at around 11am Taiwan time. She said she was just about to head out, after complaining of severe sores and aches from the latest treatment. It has been three days, but because of the cold weather she said the recovery is taking longer, and she's not been able to exercise and get the toxins out.
So she said she'd go visit a friend in the east of the country, where hot springs come out of the tap. The warm water and being in the countryside will do her good, she said. I thought not much of it, but did find it bizarre that she would go travel so soon after her latest treatment, especially as it's a time for recovery... And she seemed eager to get off the phone for some reason...
I woke up and tried calling her mobile phone to see whether she arrived ok. It was nine and again ten at night, her time, when I tried. But neither times did the call get answered.
I thought she was asleep. But brother called me around noon (one in the morning Taiwan time) and said mums gone missing. A search campaign was began, and several messages on Facebook Walls of mum's best friend and her brother reveal the extent of the worry. Mums been incommunicado since at least 4 in the afternoon her time. People have been trying yo call and get a hold of her, but the mobile is not picked up.
Did she not bring it with her? Did she have it on silent? Nobody knows. From her friends to her relatives, everyone has been trying to locate her and find out whether she's alright. An auntie who calls mum everyday has been extremely concerned, as she mentioned on my brother's facebook page that mum has complained of severe pains over the past few days... And after a hiatus of over two years, suddenly last week, mum's youngest sister went to visit her and stay with her. More and more, I noticed that over the past few weeks mum has been quiet on her condition, perhaps because she did not want to worry me while I've been busy trying to finish off my thesis...
Brother said he was extremely anxious the whole afternoon. I am seeing terrible premonitions of mum... In my mind, I imagine grabbing my suitcase and going... Sick, sick with worry... And I'm so tired, so very very tired. Just when I thought I could relax a bit after finishing my thesis, after a long weekend of helping my friend set up his apartment, this suddenly happens.
It could all just be false alarm, an overreaction... Perhaps mum is all well and fine and enjoying herself with her friend. But mum usually has her phone with her, and would even pick up late at night... But so far she's completely disappeared and concerns are mounting...
What if she checked into the hospital to have surgery...?
What if something happened to her in her way to her friend's place?
What if, what if...
If only I could know...
So she said she'd go visit a friend in the east of the country, where hot springs come out of the tap. The warm water and being in the countryside will do her good, she said. I thought not much of it, but did find it bizarre that she would go travel so soon after her latest treatment, especially as it's a time for recovery... And she seemed eager to get off the phone for some reason...
I woke up and tried calling her mobile phone to see whether she arrived ok. It was nine and again ten at night, her time, when I tried. But neither times did the call get answered.
I thought she was asleep. But brother called me around noon (one in the morning Taiwan time) and said mums gone missing. A search campaign was began, and several messages on Facebook Walls of mum's best friend and her brother reveal the extent of the worry. Mums been incommunicado since at least 4 in the afternoon her time. People have been trying yo call and get a hold of her, but the mobile is not picked up.
Did she not bring it with her? Did she have it on silent? Nobody knows. From her friends to her relatives, everyone has been trying to locate her and find out whether she's alright. An auntie who calls mum everyday has been extremely concerned, as she mentioned on my brother's facebook page that mum has complained of severe pains over the past few days... And after a hiatus of over two years, suddenly last week, mum's youngest sister went to visit her and stay with her. More and more, I noticed that over the past few weeks mum has been quiet on her condition, perhaps because she did not want to worry me while I've been busy trying to finish off my thesis...
Brother said he was extremely anxious the whole afternoon. I am seeing terrible premonitions of mum... In my mind, I imagine grabbing my suitcase and going... Sick, sick with worry... And I'm so tired, so very very tired. Just when I thought I could relax a bit after finishing my thesis, after a long weekend of helping my friend set up his apartment, this suddenly happens.
It could all just be false alarm, an overreaction... Perhaps mum is all well and fine and enjoying herself with her friend. But mum usually has her phone with her, and would even pick up late at night... But so far she's completely disappeared and concerns are mounting...
What if she checked into the hospital to have surgery...?
What if something happened to her in her way to her friend's place?
What if, what if...
If only I could know...
18 December 2011
Hiding...
On the way home to montreal, a long weekend helping my ex move to his new town of toronto.
A busy three days of moving, furniture-buying and -building. I was glad I could help in little ways, help him make his new apartment feel more like home.
When he first went to collect the keys to his new place about two weeks ago, it was a completely empty apartment. On the first night, my ex had to sleep on the floor. Save for three suitcases of clothes and personal items (including a collection of stuffed animals) there really were just four bare walls. Secretly, as part of a series of his birthday surprises, sent him a "welcome home" card, actually expedited it to ensure that it would arrive on the day he first enters the apartment. In it I hoped that he would soon feel at home in his new home, and hoped he would soon make new friends and happy memories so that he does not feel so lonely in the new city. He said that card made him cry... As it was also his birthday on that day, inside his suitcase I hid a nice blanket mum bought and wanted to gift him. That night he slept using the blanket. Just little touches, little surprises to make his feel special, because he is special to me...
That's also the reason why I worked so hard, and with help from his parents and friends, to make him a scrapbook to constantly, and hopefully always, remind him of who he is and yo never loose sight of who he is
After this weekend of furnishing the place shelves an essentials (and finally his bed was delivered), the place really does looks more and more like a home. I helped him put up his fridge magnets, a collection from all the places he's been to, some of which were with me. That was a memorable moment, just the two of us sitting on the floor and putting up magnets, recalling trips we've been on together.
Helping him move was an experience of mixed feelings. I'm really glad I can help him settle down, place some personal touches here and there so that when he finally moves in at the beginning of the year, it'll have a familiar, personalised, feel to the place. It's important, especially moving to a new city, starting a whole new career and whole new life, to have something to remind yourself with memorabilia and gifts of where you came from. .
One such gift that went up on the shelf is a wood carved toy canoe with two little figurines inside, which I gave my ex last year. It's a symbolic gift, at the time representing the hope of us being together and 'sailing' on the currents of life. At the bottom of the canoe I wrote in black marker pen "Life is best sailing together" (or something along those lines). It's also a gift I sent my brother and my sister-in-law for their engagement.
Seeing that canoe brought sour feelings to my heart. I don't know why I had the urge to take the little figurine that was supposed to represent me out and keep it. Was it feelings of bitterness lingering from our past? Was it out of vengeance?
No... Seeing "me" in that canoe just felt so wrong, so out of place. I do not belong there in that canoe anymore. time and time again I am seeing signs of that, time and time again seeing my friend so eagerly want to contact the guy he's seeing, just makes me feel that little wooden figurine is best replaced by another (or perhaps already has been replaced by another...)
My ex was distraught when he realised that one figurine went missing. "Where's my man?" he kept on asking. At one point he appeared to be tearing. I told him to look around a bit more, because the man I had taken and put it inside a bag. I know, it was mean of me, terribly mean... But I was lost why it mattered so much. I do not belong in that canoe anymore. I don't...
I asked him why that missing figurine means so much. And he said it was very a symbolic gift of he and I. And he said the figurine going "missing" is a bad omen that he'll be all alone in the town he's going to live in. I assured him, he has friends, a wonderful apartment with everything he needs, and a new job and start of a successful career is waiting for him. Why does a "missing" figurine matter so much?
At times during the last two days, my was saying things as if he wants me to move to Toronto, and yo actually move into his apartment. I don't know if it's just him being playful (and somewhat insensitive to my feelings...), but I don't see how he can even propose that given that we're broken up... I sometimes really don't understand him at all, and he confuses me with such strange outbursts of cute names he started using to call me when we (officially) began going out. It's strange to feel this way, and he told me that it hurts when I tell him that the way he behaves around nowadays feels like he's playing a game with me.
Two more weeks and he will be gone, will have moved away to a different city. Two more weeks and it would become harder for us to see each other whenever we want to, whenever we feel the need to seek and find solace in each others arms.
Time will tell what will happen to us, if there is still an "us" to speak of. Time will tell whether the distance and time apart will break us or bring us closer to knowing what we mean, what we really mean, to one another in one another's lives.
A busy three days of moving, furniture-buying and -building. I was glad I could help in little ways, help him make his new apartment feel more like home.
When he first went to collect the keys to his new place about two weeks ago, it was a completely empty apartment. On the first night, my ex had to sleep on the floor. Save for three suitcases of clothes and personal items (including a collection of stuffed animals) there really were just four bare walls. Secretly, as part of a series of his birthday surprises, sent him a "welcome home" card, actually expedited it to ensure that it would arrive on the day he first enters the apartment. In it I hoped that he would soon feel at home in his new home, and hoped he would soon make new friends and happy memories so that he does not feel so lonely in the new city. He said that card made him cry... As it was also his birthday on that day, inside his suitcase I hid a nice blanket mum bought and wanted to gift him. That night he slept using the blanket. Just little touches, little surprises to make his feel special, because he is special to me...
That's also the reason why I worked so hard, and with help from his parents and friends, to make him a scrapbook to constantly, and hopefully always, remind him of who he is and yo never loose sight of who he is
After this weekend of furnishing the place shelves an essentials (and finally his bed was delivered), the place really does looks more and more like a home. I helped him put up his fridge magnets, a collection from all the places he's been to, some of which were with me. That was a memorable moment, just the two of us sitting on the floor and putting up magnets, recalling trips we've been on together.
Helping him move was an experience of mixed feelings. I'm really glad I can help him settle down, place some personal touches here and there so that when he finally moves in at the beginning of the year, it'll have a familiar, personalised, feel to the place. It's important, especially moving to a new city, starting a whole new career and whole new life, to have something to remind yourself with memorabilia and gifts of where you came from. .
One such gift that went up on the shelf is a wood carved toy canoe with two little figurines inside, which I gave my ex last year. It's a symbolic gift, at the time representing the hope of us being together and 'sailing' on the currents of life. At the bottom of the canoe I wrote in black marker pen "Life is best sailing together" (or something along those lines). It's also a gift I sent my brother and my sister-in-law for their engagement.
Seeing that canoe brought sour feelings to my heart. I don't know why I had the urge to take the little figurine that was supposed to represent me out and keep it. Was it feelings of bitterness lingering from our past? Was it out of vengeance?
No... Seeing "me" in that canoe just felt so wrong, so out of place. I do not belong there in that canoe anymore. time and time again I am seeing signs of that, time and time again seeing my friend so eagerly want to contact the guy he's seeing, just makes me feel that little wooden figurine is best replaced by another (or perhaps already has been replaced by another...)
My ex was distraught when he realised that one figurine went missing. "Where's my man?" he kept on asking. At one point he appeared to be tearing. I told him to look around a bit more, because the man I had taken and put it inside a bag. I know, it was mean of me, terribly mean... But I was lost why it mattered so much. I do not belong in that canoe anymore. I don't...
I asked him why that missing figurine means so much. And he said it was very a symbolic gift of he and I. And he said the figurine going "missing" is a bad omen that he'll be all alone in the town he's going to live in. I assured him, he has friends, a wonderful apartment with everything he needs, and a new job and start of a successful career is waiting for him. Why does a "missing" figurine matter so much?
At times during the last two days, my was saying things as if he wants me to move to Toronto, and yo actually move into his apartment. I don't know if it's just him being playful (and somewhat insensitive to my feelings...), but I don't see how he can even propose that given that we're broken up... I sometimes really don't understand him at all, and he confuses me with such strange outbursts of cute names he started using to call me when we (officially) began going out. It's strange to feel this way, and he told me that it hurts when I tell him that the way he behaves around nowadays feels like he's playing a game with me.
Two more weeks and he will be gone, will have moved away to a different city. Two more weeks and it would become harder for us to see each other whenever we want to, whenever we feel the need to seek and find solace in each others arms.
Time will tell what will happen to us, if there is still an "us" to speak of. Time will tell whether the distance and time apart will break us or bring us closer to knowing what we mean, what we really mean, to one another in one another's lives.
A whole new beginning
Sometimes you see signs, hints and clues telling you to move on. When the whole world is moving on, is changing and advancing forward, why don't you? Why can't you?
"Keep calm, and carry on", as the British famously coined the phrase during the last world war to soothe the national fears and boost morale.
So too must I be calm, look forward and just carry on as if nothing much matters.. Not the prospect of death, not the premonition of loss or impending fears of loss and uncertainty, not even fear itself matters...
Carry on, move on, and take life, and the people you encounter in it, as they come and go...
16 December 2011
it is done
It is all (almost) over. Two, three days of long hours, yesterday, save for the hour and a half or so, I almost completely went without sleep. My ex came by to encourage me, despite the heavy argument we had earlier. He slept in my room while I worked. From one till three, a little break, then pushed on till eight, when he got up and made me breakfast. He didn't want me to do a thing, and even did the dishes (which he rarely has done). I was taken aback by what he was doing for me, despite the poisonous words I uttered to hurt him earlier, intentionally or not...
I feel like a complete zombie at this moment. This moment should be the happiest in a long time, but it just feels bland and mundane. I cannot even lift my lips to smile, to laugh, let alone muster the mood to celebrate. And I'm ill on top of this.
This is the moment I've been waiting and working toward for two long years, delay after delay. And it's finally come. Even my supervisor was pleased, and through the secretary I learned that he has been commending ny work behind me. It may explain why my supervisor has been so eager to talk to me about getting me involved in some projects...
Thesis is finished, work projects ahead... And yet my heart is heavy, and my head feels dizzy. The lack of sleep has to do with it, of course, but I think it's more than that... Even in the midst of treatment, even when she was feeling extremely unwell and sick, mum was encouraging and kept on saying how proud she was of me. That was very painful.
This thesis I dedicated to my mum, and there is a paragraph in the acknowledgements about her. It is for her that I've been working hard. It is for her that I've been staying up so late at night (even when she tells me it's so unhealthy to stay up late and not sleep...) I know this thesis is as meaningful for me as it is for mum. Because it is a life wish of hers to see me finish, to see me graduate, and hopefully to see me start something new and do something with my life.
And now it is done, all done. Yet deep down I feel so terribly, terribly empty inside. How I wish I could share my feelings with someone close...
I feel like a complete zombie at this moment. This moment should be the happiest in a long time, but it just feels bland and mundane. I cannot even lift my lips to smile, to laugh, let alone muster the mood to celebrate. And I'm ill on top of this.
This is the moment I've been waiting and working toward for two long years, delay after delay. And it's finally come. Even my supervisor was pleased, and through the secretary I learned that he has been commending ny work behind me. It may explain why my supervisor has been so eager to talk to me about getting me involved in some projects...
Thesis is finished, work projects ahead... And yet my heart is heavy, and my head feels dizzy. The lack of sleep has to do with it, of course, but I think it's more than that... Even in the midst of treatment, even when she was feeling extremely unwell and sick, mum was encouraging and kept on saying how proud she was of me. That was very painful.
This thesis I dedicated to my mum, and there is a paragraph in the acknowledgements about her. It is for her that I've been working hard. It is for her that I've been staying up so late at night (even when she tells me it's so unhealthy to stay up late and not sleep...) I know this thesis is as meaningful for me as it is for mum. Because it is a life wish of hers to see me finish, to see me graduate, and hopefully to see me start something new and do something with my life.
And now it is done, all done. Yet deep down I feel so terribly, terribly empty inside. How I wish I could share my feelings with someone close...
15 December 2011
Breakdown
Breakdown
How did we get to this? All he wanted was offer me dinner on the eve of my thesis submission. But I rejected him. I said no because I don't want to have anything to do with him.
And yet I bring him fruits and make him fresh lemon juice when he's I'll... And yet I comfort him because his granny's health has deteriorated over the past few days. I can give him myself, offer to do things for him, but I don't accept him trying to help me.
What's wrong with me? All he wants to be is a friend, what we've always been, regardless of whether we're together or not. But I can't even do that. It seems as if I'm deliberately spoiling our friendship, or the remnants of it. For whose sake? I want to say it's for his sake, so that he can move away and resolve me... But he turned it around and told me, perhaps rightly so, that I'm doing this for myself because it's easier to just walk away and drop everything...
Perhaps that is true. I don't know. I'm just so confused and hurt. By myself, angry at myself. Hurt seeing that again I've made the one person I care about so much cry and cry and be disgusted with me. I don't want to hurt him... I want to hold him, reassure him that no matter what, even if we're apart, even if he's found the love of his life and genuine happiness, I can be there for him still as a friend, as a best friend.
Can I do that? Can I do that with no ill feelings, with no anger or jealousy, without harking back to how I make myself feel like he's abandoned me and left me for another? I don't know...
I'm so confused, so frustrated with myself. So angry at myself for making my ex, my friend, cry and cry. I'm so angry at myself for (deliberately?) wanting to ruin a perfectly beautiful friendship because I can't get the intimacy and romance I want...
How did we get to this? All he wanted was offer me dinner on the eve of my thesis submission. But I rejected him. I said no because I don't want to have anything to do with him.
And yet I bring him fruits and make him fresh lemon juice when he's I'll... And yet I comfort him because his granny's health has deteriorated over the past few days. I can give him myself, offer to do things for him, but I don't accept him trying to help me.
What's wrong with me? All he wants to be is a friend, what we've always been, regardless of whether we're together or not. But I can't even do that. It seems as if I'm deliberately spoiling our friendship, or the remnants of it. For whose sake? I want to say it's for his sake, so that he can move away and resolve me... But he turned it around and told me, perhaps rightly so, that I'm doing this for myself because it's easier to just walk away and drop everything...
Perhaps that is true. I don't know. I'm just so confused and hurt. By myself, angry at myself. Hurt seeing that again I've made the one person I care about so much cry and cry and be disgusted with me. I don't want to hurt him... I want to hold him, reassure him that no matter what, even if we're apart, even if he's found the love of his life and genuine happiness, I can be there for him still as a friend, as a best friend.
Can I do that? Can I do that with no ill feelings, with no anger or jealousy, without harking back to how I make myself feel like he's abandoned me and left me for another? I don't know...
I'm so confused, so frustrated with myself. So angry at myself for making my ex, my friend, cry and cry. I'm so angry at myself for (deliberately?) wanting to ruin a perfectly beautiful friendship because I can't get the intimacy and romance I want...
13 December 2011
Final few days
Upon returning from Europe, I immediately began to work. It's hard, especially given that I'm sick and have a runny nose and sore throat. But it has to be done, I really have to push myself to complete my thesis, the deadline of which is in two days.
There aren't so many changes that I need to make, but the formatting, footnotes and bibliography is sure going to take a lot of time and effort. At least most of the research has been complete, and it's now more the mundane details to fine tune the 100+ pages to make sure it is presentable, and maybe even publishable.
My supervisor has ever been so kind and patient with me, and especially in these past few days, he and I have interacted much more. It seems he has a lot of confidence in me, and even though I've not yet fully completed or submitted my thesis, he has already called me to discuss future projects that I could be doing with me. That says a lot, especially coming from a professor of his seniority, and someone who is very respected in the field of space law.
I feel tired, and ill, but I really need to finish... Push myself a bit more, and then I can relax...
There aren't so many changes that I need to make, but the formatting, footnotes and bibliography is sure going to take a lot of time and effort. At least most of the research has been complete, and it's now more the mundane details to fine tune the 100+ pages to make sure it is presentable, and maybe even publishable.
My supervisor has ever been so kind and patient with me, and especially in these past few days, he and I have interacted much more. It seems he has a lot of confidence in me, and even though I've not yet fully completed or submitted my thesis, he has already called me to discuss future projects that I could be doing with me. That says a lot, especially coming from a professor of his seniority, and someone who is very respected in the field of space law.
I feel tired, and ill, but I really need to finish... Push myself a bit more, and then I can relax...
Distance
It's growing between my friend and me. After my recent trip to his hometown, after seeing him so eager to be in contact with the guy he is "seeing", I have realised it's time to stop dreaming. At one point, he told me outright that what I'm feeling now he felt before too. I can't see why, maybe I'm just too self-absorbed to see why... did I make him feel like he needed to compete for my attention or care? Did I make him feel useless and lacking in value by messaging and chatting with someone else when I was in his presence?
None of that matters now. Two more weeks he has left in Montreal, and after this, life will be different. He will be gone, and the distance between us will grow even more. He will start his career, he will find his own life and happiness elsewhere, and I need to start doing the same for myself. I don't want to feel again and again like I need to try and try so hard to please him, to please anyone for that matter.
None of that matters now. Two more weeks he has left in Montreal, and after this, life will be different. He will be gone, and the distance between us will grow even more. He will start his career, he will find his own life and happiness elsewhere, and I need to start doing the same for myself. I don't want to feel again and again like I need to try and try so hard to please him, to please anyone for that matter.
Nulla in mundo pax sincera
Blando colore oculos mundus decepit
at occulto vulnere corda conficit;
fugiamus ridentem, vitemus sequentem,
nam delicias ostentando arte secura
vellet ludendo superare.
This world deceives the eye by surface charms,
but is corroded within by hidden wounds.
Let us flee him who smiles, shun him who follows us,
for by skilfully displaying its pleasures, this world
overwhelms us by deceit.
Exercise
As mum had been saying that the weather is too cold to go outside to exercise, I posted a youtube video of an exercise routine that she used to do at home.I told her that even if she doesn't feel like going out, she can still get her daily exercises indoors. On top of that, I made a video of myself (and my teddy bear) doing the movements in an attempt to encourage her, and make her laugh.
"I tried to do the movements," she said, "But my bones hurt..." She appreciated the gesture, and she'll do what she can, however her condition is such that her pain really comes in the way of her moving or exercising too vigorously. My heart sunk upon hearing that...
Again, there was a silence in our conversation. Mum sounded very tired again. She kept on saying she wanted to go shower and sleep. It's about time yes, but in the span of five minutes, she said that three times, as if she was in a hurry to get off the phone. I feel there is something she is not telling me.
In my mind, mum was avoiding the topic. But I wanted to know, I needed to know.
Is it bad of me? Is it causing her anguish and reminding her of what ails and pains her when I can and ask how she is doing? Do I have a right to know? Maybe I should just call and pretend like everything is normal. Maybe that is the best way about it all... To avoid the topic, avoid the "C" word, avoid talking about hospital visits and doctor's appointments. Just talk about mundane stuff, talk about the stuff and idiosyncracies of life...
So I asked. I asked anyway... about her appointment with the doctor today, about what he said. "Nothing much," mum said. Things are just the way they are...
Treatment continues tomorrow.
"I tried to do the movements," she said, "But my bones hurt..." She appreciated the gesture, and she'll do what she can, however her condition is such that her pain really comes in the way of her moving or exercising too vigorously. My heart sunk upon hearing that...
Again, there was a silence in our conversation. Mum sounded very tired again. She kept on saying she wanted to go shower and sleep. It's about time yes, but in the span of five minutes, she said that three times, as if she was in a hurry to get off the phone. I feel there is something she is not telling me.
In my mind, mum was avoiding the topic. But I wanted to know, I needed to know.
Is it bad of me? Is it causing her anguish and reminding her of what ails and pains her when I can and ask how she is doing? Do I have a right to know? Maybe I should just call and pretend like everything is normal. Maybe that is the best way about it all... To avoid the topic, avoid the "C" word, avoid talking about hospital visits and doctor's appointments. Just talk about mundane stuff, talk about the stuff and idiosyncracies of life...
So I asked. I asked anyway... about her appointment with the doctor today, about what he said. "Nothing much," mum said. Things are just the way they are...
Treatment continues tomorrow.
12 December 2011
Pains...
Mum apologised. "Why? Why are you apologising?" I asked. We were talking about breastfeeding, about my sister-in-law who has been breastfeeding since my nephew's birth. Somehow, mum remembered that when I was still a baby, she only breastfed me for a little while and had to stop, whereas my brother was breastfed till he was many months old. "I had to go to work, and it hurt a lot to squeeze out milk..."
She said I once 'complained' about not having been breastfed--something I don't remember at all. She said she was sorry that she stopped with me, because breastfed babies are healthier and have a stronger bond with the mother. I laughed, because it was very silly what she was saying. Am I not (relatively) healthy? Do I not have a strong, beautiful bond with my mother...?
The weather has been so cold that mum went to the hot springs and enjoyed a nice lunch and afternoon soaking in the natural springs close to where she lives. She said she felt much relieved, and for a while her aches and pains went away, so was really basking in the temporary break from her almost constant physical ordeals. And she began, at her own initiative, to talk about her condition.
She went to see her main physician last Friday, and she complained that her elbow joints and the area under her armpits are getting very painful and sore. The doctor prescribed her a new kind of painkiller, a drug that lasts up to twelve hours, she said, compared to the one she used before which lasts only up to six hours. "It's the lymph node," she said, "When it hurts like this, it means that the lymph node is swelling." Which in turn means that it has become infected... Infected, most likely, with cancerous cells. All the doctor could do is prescribe painkillers, and in two days time, she will have her next chemotherapy.
Tomorrow though, she will go meet the neurosurgeon who first confirmed that her tumour had spread to the spine area. It's been almost four months since she last saw him, and she wants to have an assessment of her situation. Mum has been told that if her pains and sores get to the point where she cannot use her arm anymore, she must immediately call the neurosurgeon. On her fridge is a hotline that she must call, and surgery will be conducted within a day or two. Because when, or if, that time comes, the her condition will have become so critical that surgery is the only way to stop the tumour growing on the spine from causing permanent nerve damage, or even paralysis...
I thanked her for telling me. However sad I felt, however traumatised and hurt by the latest report of her condition, I can only accept. I bid her good night, and wished her a beautiful sleep... Because in those couple of hours, when she is in the land of sleep, there are no pains, no sores, no doctors, no cancer cells...
She said I once 'complained' about not having been breastfed--something I don't remember at all. She said she was sorry that she stopped with me, because breastfed babies are healthier and have a stronger bond with the mother. I laughed, because it was very silly what she was saying. Am I not (relatively) healthy? Do I not have a strong, beautiful bond with my mother...?
The weather has been so cold that mum went to the hot springs and enjoyed a nice lunch and afternoon soaking in the natural springs close to where she lives. She said she felt much relieved, and for a while her aches and pains went away, so was really basking in the temporary break from her almost constant physical ordeals. And she began, at her own initiative, to talk about her condition.
She went to see her main physician last Friday, and she complained that her elbow joints and the area under her armpits are getting very painful and sore. The doctor prescribed her a new kind of painkiller, a drug that lasts up to twelve hours, she said, compared to the one she used before which lasts only up to six hours. "It's the lymph node," she said, "When it hurts like this, it means that the lymph node is swelling." Which in turn means that it has become infected... Infected, most likely, with cancerous cells. All the doctor could do is prescribe painkillers, and in two days time, she will have her next chemotherapy.
Tomorrow though, she will go meet the neurosurgeon who first confirmed that her tumour had spread to the spine area. It's been almost four months since she last saw him, and she wants to have an assessment of her situation. Mum has been told that if her pains and sores get to the point where she cannot use her arm anymore, she must immediately call the neurosurgeon. On her fridge is a hotline that she must call, and surgery will be conducted within a day or two. Because when, or if, that time comes, the her condition will have become so critical that surgery is the only way to stop the tumour growing on the spine from causing permanent nerve damage, or even paralysis...
I thanked her for telling me. However sad I felt, however traumatised and hurt by the latest report of her condition, I can only accept. I bid her good night, and wished her a beautiful sleep... Because in those couple of hours, when she is in the land of sleep, there are no pains, no sores, no doctors, no cancer cells...
11 December 2011
Silence
The first time we properly spoke in a few days, and there were many silent moments. I kept asking mum if anything was up, but she did not say much, only that things are as usual. The weather has been cold because of a cold front, and she has not really gone out for some days. A friend invited her to stay over in the countryside and to have a soak in the hot spring, but mum declined. Not too keen on traveling, she explained. I told her about my recent trip, and at one point she said she was tired and wanted to sleep, so I said good night, and like always, told her to take good care, and to keep warm at night.
Later, my cousin and I skyped for a while (for she is preparing for an exam and interview in English, and needed to practise...). She said that last week there was a family gathering (which mum had told me about), and she saw my mum at the event. It was the first gathering of mum's immediate family in a long, long time, and there were a number of pictures taken to capture the joy and rare moments of being together. Six siblings, sitting at a table. Mum is the oldest of them all, and sat down, flanked on either side by her two sisters. Behind them are my uncles, mum's brothers. They had beautiful and natural smiles on their faces.
They have all aged over the years, naturally. Mum sat in the middle of it all. In some pictures there was a smile, in others she looked tired (or maybe she was just caught offguard?) My cousin said mum looked visibly thinner before she showed me the pictures. And when I did see the pictures, I noticed that too. Was it because I had the preconception that mum looks thinner now that I saw her as looking thinner in the pictures, or did she really loose weight? A week or so ago, I asked her how much she weighed, she told me she hasn't weighed herself for a while. A little afraid perhaps, but she did mention that she feels she has lost some weight.
Unexpectedly, seeing mum's smile, seeing her sunken face and grey hair, I started to cry... I know old age and death are inevitable in life, but despite their inevitability, they still cause hurt when you see it manifest on the face and hair of the one you care about and love dearly. Perhaps mum did not have such a good night, or perhaps she was tired from traveling to reunite with her family, but in some pictures, her tiredness can be seen. Is that the tiredness of traveling or not sleeping well, or the tiredness caused by something else? Five (or has it been six?) chemo sessions over the past ten weeks or so. That can wear anyone down, that can torture the human spirit, however strong minded and bodied someone is.
I cried partly also because I had the privilege of meeting and holding my nephew for the first time a few days ago. So far, three months after my nephew's birth, mum has only been able to 'meet' him and watch him from a distance. As much as my nephew's little moves and little noises keep my mum going, smiling and laughing, I know deep down how she would give anything to hold my nephew. Because she told me... told me how much she longs to see her grandson in person, to hold him in her arms... Imagine, just imagine, what joy, what beautiful, simple joy that would bring to mum's heart.
I cried because one day when I was alone with my brother, he quietly told me his fear, a fear that I too shared. "I'm afraid mum may not be able to hold [my nephew]" he told me.
Mum has grown visibly weaker over the last two weeks, and more chemotherapy treatments are planned in the coming months. How long can she hold on? How many pictures can I post on her facebook page to cheer her up and surprise her and make her smile and laugh...?
Later, my cousin and I skyped for a while (for she is preparing for an exam and interview in English, and needed to practise...). She said that last week there was a family gathering (which mum had told me about), and she saw my mum at the event. It was the first gathering of mum's immediate family in a long, long time, and there were a number of pictures taken to capture the joy and rare moments of being together. Six siblings, sitting at a table. Mum is the oldest of them all, and sat down, flanked on either side by her two sisters. Behind them are my uncles, mum's brothers. They had beautiful and natural smiles on their faces.
They have all aged over the years, naturally. Mum sat in the middle of it all. In some pictures there was a smile, in others she looked tired (or maybe she was just caught offguard?) My cousin said mum looked visibly thinner before she showed me the pictures. And when I did see the pictures, I noticed that too. Was it because I had the preconception that mum looks thinner now that I saw her as looking thinner in the pictures, or did she really loose weight? A week or so ago, I asked her how much she weighed, she told me she hasn't weighed herself for a while. A little afraid perhaps, but she did mention that she feels she has lost some weight.
Unexpectedly, seeing mum's smile, seeing her sunken face and grey hair, I started to cry... I know old age and death are inevitable in life, but despite their inevitability, they still cause hurt when you see it manifest on the face and hair of the one you care about and love dearly. Perhaps mum did not have such a good night, or perhaps she was tired from traveling to reunite with her family, but in some pictures, her tiredness can be seen. Is that the tiredness of traveling or not sleeping well, or the tiredness caused by something else? Five (or has it been six?) chemo sessions over the past ten weeks or so. That can wear anyone down, that can torture the human spirit, however strong minded and bodied someone is.
I cried partly also because I had the privilege of meeting and holding my nephew for the first time a few days ago. So far, three months after my nephew's birth, mum has only been able to 'meet' him and watch him from a distance. As much as my nephew's little moves and little noises keep my mum going, smiling and laughing, I know deep down how she would give anything to hold my nephew. Because she told me... told me how much she longs to see her grandson in person, to hold him in her arms... Imagine, just imagine, what joy, what beautiful, simple joy that would bring to mum's heart.
I cried because one day when I was alone with my brother, he quietly told me his fear, a fear that I too shared. "I'm afraid mum may not be able to hold [my nephew]" he told me.
Mum has grown visibly weaker over the last two weeks, and more chemotherapy treatments are planned in the coming months. How long can she hold on? How many pictures can I post on her facebook page to cheer her up and surprise her and make her smile and laugh...?
10 December 2011
Resolution
This will not last for long. It will last as longer as you let it last.
Break from the norm, break the clinging, break the longing.
Break free.
Break from the norm, break the clinging, break the longing.
Break free.
08 December 2011
What did you expect
I lay down to sleep, and I managed somehow. But in that twilight zone between sleep and consciousness, images came to me. Disturbing images that I cannot remember any more. I had an urge to go see my friend, who was two doors from me. So I crept silently toward his room, knocked gently and opened the door.
He was in bed, but on the phone. I knew immediately to whom. And I apologised for intruding on his conversation. All my desire to talk to him, to have a nice heart to heart chat with someone close was gone. I felt like I was intruding in his life, disturbing his quiet time with his friend (for lack of a better word, "guy he's seeing"), and perhaps it was wrong of me to come all the way here and be here. What did I expect? What was I even thinking?
But it was so confusing... just moments before, he was bedroom and he kissed me goodnight.
I guess what hurt was that before, even just a couple of months or so ago, I was the one my ex would be calling the last thing before he went to bed. But I'm not that person any more. "All change" as they say when the train reaches the end of its route, and something my ex and I used to say and joke about when his previous relationship broke down. It's just a little bizzare, and painful, that so soon those two words apply to us.
He was in bed, but on the phone. I knew immediately to whom. And I apologised for intruding on his conversation. All my desire to talk to him, to have a nice heart to heart chat with someone close was gone. I felt like I was intruding in his life, disturbing his quiet time with his friend (for lack of a better word, "guy he's seeing"), and perhaps it was wrong of me to come all the way here and be here. What did I expect? What was I even thinking?
But it was so confusing... just moments before, he was bedroom and he kissed me goodnight.
I guess what hurt was that before, even just a couple of months or so ago, I was the one my ex would be calling the last thing before he went to bed. But I'm not that person any more. "All change" as they say when the train reaches the end of its route, and something my ex and I used to say and joke about when his previous relationship broke down. It's just a little bizzare, and painful, that so soon those two words apply to us.
07 December 2011
AMS-LHR-NCL
A dozen minutes or so before landing at NCL. Within the next hour, everything I've planned over the past two, three weeks will be realised.
Will it all go according to plan, according to how I imagine it in my head?
How very exciting this all is. And in a way, how very romantic too. Romantic in the most general sense... In the sense that someone would travel so far, go through all sorts of trouble, go to all lengths just to spring up a wonderful surprise on you. Romantic also in the 'love' sense... What would you do to make someone feel loved and appreciated? A lot.
How far would you go to let them know you care? Far, far...
Recording
I called mum from the airport just as I was about to board the plane from AMS to LHR/NCL. Perhaps as the airport wifi connection thins down the connection to Skype, it was not possible to have a conversation with her, even though I could hear her. In the end, I sent mum text messages to tell her that I'm taking the plane, and wishing her well. I always do that before boarding the plane. Paranoia? No, just in case...
Perhaps mum did not realise it, but she did not hang up her Skype when she picked up, and she inadvertently left me a "voice message". Nothing much really, just some background noise at first, some shuffling of (I guess pieces of paper), and then the TV being turned on. I listened to the recording, which lasted around five minutes. What was I listening for? I'm not sure... a 'view' into mum's life and what she does when nobody is around, perhaps? I felt like a voyeur, but of the audio kind, instead of one who likes to peep and secretly watch someone from a distance.
But somehow I just wanted, needed to know if there were clues as to mum's condition or how she is doing. There weren't any. Just the TV, some kind of talk show or economic analyst talking. About what I could not really understand, as the voice was muffled. Mum did not say anything.
Eventually the recording cut out.
Perhaps mum did not realise it, but she did not hang up her Skype when she picked up, and she inadvertently left me a "voice message". Nothing much really, just some background noise at first, some shuffling of (I guess pieces of paper), and then the TV being turned on. I listened to the recording, which lasted around five minutes. What was I listening for? I'm not sure... a 'view' into mum's life and what she does when nobody is around, perhaps? I felt like a voyeur, but of the audio kind, instead of one who likes to peep and secretly watch someone from a distance.
But somehow I just wanted, needed to know if there were clues as to mum's condition or how she is doing. There weren't any. Just the TV, some kind of talk show or economic analyst talking. About what I could not really understand, as the voice was muffled. Mum did not say anything.
Eventually the recording cut out.
06 December 2011
My nephew
I don't know what overcame me. I stood behind my brother and my
sister-in-law, who were bent over the crib, laughing and tickling my
little nephew. There were soft little giggles, and on his face was the
clear expression of innocence and joy. I started to tear...
I looked away and blinked the soft, gentle shedding of tears away. Is there anything more important than family? Is there anything more beautiful than a couple playing with and talking to their newborn child?
I was touched. All the years of uncertainty in my family, all the years of facing illness and death, at last a sign of the beauty and irresistible energy of birth and life. All the travelling I did, all the little gifts I bought, all the hoping and expectations, and this was the reward... To see my brother and his family happy and safe, basking in the warm, gentle surroundings of a comfortable home, a loving cat, and love. What else does anyone need in life, what else does anyone ever want that is not already in this very scene that made me tear?
"Grandma doesn't want to come see you..." my brother said, teasing. I know deep down how much he would have wanted mum to be with us on this special day. On my nephew's first (Dutch) Christmas, on the day when miracles come true, on the day children are surprised with great gifts. Mum could only share our joy, and look at that empty chair next to me in pictures, and imagine herself sitting there...
"Grandma doesn't love you..." brother said, jestering. But in truth, and my brother knows it too, mum loves her grandson more than anyone can describe it. He is the reason why she learned to use Skype and Facebook, because she wants to see and hear her godson grow and grow every single day. Mum may not have had the chance to travel to see my nephew in person, but her love is expressed in her smile and laughter whenever she hears him gurgle and giggle, whenever she sees him exercising his arms and feet in his crib. Her love is expressed in the way she buys him towels, clothes and goodies and sends them by express air packages. And is not setting up a special bank account for her grandson so that one day, even when she is no longer around, he can go to university without having to worry too much costs, not another way of showing him how much she loves him?
My brother picked up my nephew, and sister-in-law played with his little arms and feet. I smiled at them with moist eyes.
How lucky I am to be an uncle...
How fortunate I am to share in the joys and wonders this little boy has brought to my family...
I looked away and blinked the soft, gentle shedding of tears away. Is there anything more important than family? Is there anything more beautiful than a couple playing with and talking to their newborn child?
I was touched. All the years of uncertainty in my family, all the years of facing illness and death, at last a sign of the beauty and irresistible energy of birth and life. All the travelling I did, all the little gifts I bought, all the hoping and expectations, and this was the reward... To see my brother and his family happy and safe, basking in the warm, gentle surroundings of a comfortable home, a loving cat, and love. What else does anyone need in life, what else does anyone ever want that is not already in this very scene that made me tear?
"Grandma doesn't want to come see you..." my brother said, teasing. I know deep down how much he would have wanted mum to be with us on this special day. On my nephew's first (Dutch) Christmas, on the day when miracles come true, on the day children are surprised with great gifts. Mum could only share our joy, and look at that empty chair next to me in pictures, and imagine herself sitting there...
"Grandma doesn't love you..." brother said, jestering. But in truth, and my brother knows it too, mum loves her grandson more than anyone can describe it. He is the reason why she learned to use Skype and Facebook, because she wants to see and hear her godson grow and grow every single day. Mum may not have had the chance to travel to see my nephew in person, but her love is expressed in her smile and laughter whenever she hears him gurgle and giggle, whenever she sees him exercising his arms and feet in his crib. Her love is expressed in the way she buys him towels, clothes and goodies and sends them by express air packages. And is not setting up a special bank account for her grandson so that one day, even when she is no longer around, he can go to university without having to worry too much costs, not another way of showing him how much she loves him?
My brother picked up my nephew, and sister-in-law played with his little arms and feet. I smiled at them with moist eyes.
How lucky I am to be an uncle...
How fortunate I am to share in the joys and wonders this little boy has brought to my family...
What really matters
Friends may abandon you and fade away, lovers may leave and turn away, but family...
family always stay family no matter what.
family always stay family no matter what.
05 December 2011
Connecting with the past
It was a very last minute meeting, nothing calculated, nothing planned.
The thought of writing to him just came to my mind the night before, and
I wasn't really expecting a response, especially to a sudden proposal
to meet. But respond he did, and we met. On Sinterklaas (St Nicholas
Day), the day, of all days, on which the wishes and dreams of children
are supposed to be fulfilled. Pure coincidence, perhaps.
It's been about four years since we last met. And I proposed to meet at the same place where we first met on a date, outside the public library. At the agreed time, as I walked toward the building, I saw him lean against the wall lost in his book.
Quietly I called his name, and he looked up. I smiled.
Beforehand I had contemplated a bit on how to greet him. What is the most appropriate way to greet someone you met on two dates four years ago and then disappeared from your life until four years later you suddenly receive a mail from telling you for such a long time you have been on his mind? Do you do the traditional three kisses on the cheeks? I don't know why that seemed like a bizarre choice. Do I give him a handshake? It would have felt too formal, like a business meeting. And I think we are beyond that. So I gave him a hug. A big hug, and said in his ear it's been so long already. Nothing could go or be wrong with a hug. At least in my mind...
It was a little awkward at first, knowing what to say, getting used to one another again after all this time. For me, the initial awkwardness came from, I guess, trying to figure out who this person is and how he figures in my life. Reading his email, in which be confessed to thinking about me even after all this time, made me feel flattered, but at the same time scared. And a few weeks ago, I discovered that he began a blog, in which he wrote some entries about me, and how I touch(ed) and inspire(d) him.
It's not (I don't think) that he's been lying awake at night and hopelessly dreaming of what could have been between us had I not moved away months after we met. It's just that all these years, I didn't have a clue that our two dates left such a deep impression on him, and I felt responsible. Did I consciously go out with him and then let things just fade away because he wasn't interesting? No, it wasn't that. I simply had too much going on in my life, simply had too much to deal with, at the time we met that he, and whatever could have been between us, was pushed to the background.
He says he's grateful I was his first date. Not that we had anything intimate or physical, but at the very least just meeting me and getting to know (what little of) me sort of set the bar for the kind of person he'd like to find and be with. And for me... Who was he for me? I've been trying to figure that out since he wrote to me. It's not that I don't have any feelings toward him. There's something there, just how deep or how strong I'm not sure. Hard as it sounds, I really just don't remember how I felt back then.
The few hours we sat down and caught up on the missing days of our lives over the past few years went by so quickly. We spoke about changes in our lives, what we've been up to. And very quickly, it began to feel as if I was meeting an old friend and having a heart to heart talk. We spoke about relationships, exs, plans and hopes. And despite the hiatus of some four years, it felt like I was getting to know a good friend.
At one point, I steered the conversation to our first dates. Was it appropriate? I don't know. But at least for me, it felt like it was a topic we needed to touch upon to get rid of any lingering feelings and awkwardness.
As he and I spoke about our feelings and what our first meetings meant to one another, the bits and pieces began to be put together. And he grew on me again. There before me was a guy, smart, good-looking, well-spoken and reflective, with whom I know I could have something. But alas, fate and life did not grant us the time or opportunity.
What that would develop into, how long that would have lasted, I don't know. But there was, and in ways, there still is, potential. It felt disappointing to realise that, for I know two days from now I'll be gone, and who knows when I'll see him again (though I did repeatedly invite him to visit me, and he too invited me to visit him in the city he'll be moving to...). Two days from now, whatever feelings that have been rekindled, even if they are faint and uncertain, will most likely fade again as he and I go back to separate our lives.
It was disappointing because the distance and barriers between us are just too great (besides, he probably does not feel the same way I feel...). But our meeting also gave me a sense of hope. Hope, especially after all the complications with my ex and being left to feel abandoned and lingering in the background as he pursues a new relationship, that I can feel again, that I can meet someone and feel like I can move on. If my ex can apparently move on so quickly, then why can't I? Why do I feel like I owe my ex anything, when he is already out there pursuing (or at least trying to pursue) his own happiness? I can do the same, I want to do the same.
Meeting this guy from four years ago reassured me that I deserve something beautiful. I deserve to be with someone who can be with me fully, and not make me feel o need to compete for and win his love and attention. I do not need to always feel like the victim or feel worthless because my ex left me to go after someone else. I am master over my own happiness and the life I choose I lead.
We parted company, and he was a bit quiet, I was a bit quiet. How will this all end, I found myself asking. What was going on in his mind, I do not know, perhaps will never know.
Again, I gave him a hug, a tight and long one, the way I know how. He went his way, I went mine. For a moment, I stood and watched him cycle away. He probably had no idea...
Quietly, as his figure grew smaller and smaller, I wished him well, wished him happiness and peace. And the distance between us began to grow and grow again.
It's been about four years since we last met. And I proposed to meet at the same place where we first met on a date, outside the public library. At the agreed time, as I walked toward the building, I saw him lean against the wall lost in his book.
Quietly I called his name, and he looked up. I smiled.
Beforehand I had contemplated a bit on how to greet him. What is the most appropriate way to greet someone you met on two dates four years ago and then disappeared from your life until four years later you suddenly receive a mail from telling you for such a long time you have been on his mind? Do you do the traditional three kisses on the cheeks? I don't know why that seemed like a bizarre choice. Do I give him a handshake? It would have felt too formal, like a business meeting. And I think we are beyond that. So I gave him a hug. A big hug, and said in his ear it's been so long already. Nothing could go or be wrong with a hug. At least in my mind...
It was a little awkward at first, knowing what to say, getting used to one another again after all this time. For me, the initial awkwardness came from, I guess, trying to figure out who this person is and how he figures in my life. Reading his email, in which be confessed to thinking about me even after all this time, made me feel flattered, but at the same time scared. And a few weeks ago, I discovered that he began a blog, in which he wrote some entries about me, and how I touch(ed) and inspire(d) him.
It's not (I don't think) that he's been lying awake at night and hopelessly dreaming of what could have been between us had I not moved away months after we met. It's just that all these years, I didn't have a clue that our two dates left such a deep impression on him, and I felt responsible. Did I consciously go out with him and then let things just fade away because he wasn't interesting? No, it wasn't that. I simply had too much going on in my life, simply had too much to deal with, at the time we met that he, and whatever could have been between us, was pushed to the background.
He says he's grateful I was his first date. Not that we had anything intimate or physical, but at the very least just meeting me and getting to know (what little of) me sort of set the bar for the kind of person he'd like to find and be with. And for me... Who was he for me? I've been trying to figure that out since he wrote to me. It's not that I don't have any feelings toward him. There's something there, just how deep or how strong I'm not sure. Hard as it sounds, I really just don't remember how I felt back then.
The few hours we sat down and caught up on the missing days of our lives over the past few years went by so quickly. We spoke about changes in our lives, what we've been up to. And very quickly, it began to feel as if I was meeting an old friend and having a heart to heart talk. We spoke about relationships, exs, plans and hopes. And despite the hiatus of some four years, it felt like I was getting to know a good friend.
At one point, I steered the conversation to our first dates. Was it appropriate? I don't know. But at least for me, it felt like it was a topic we needed to touch upon to get rid of any lingering feelings and awkwardness.
As he and I spoke about our feelings and what our first meetings meant to one another, the bits and pieces began to be put together. And he grew on me again. There before me was a guy, smart, good-looking, well-spoken and reflective, with whom I know I could have something. But alas, fate and life did not grant us the time or opportunity.
What that would develop into, how long that would have lasted, I don't know. But there was, and in ways, there still is, potential. It felt disappointing to realise that, for I know two days from now I'll be gone, and who knows when I'll see him again (though I did repeatedly invite him to visit me, and he too invited me to visit him in the city he'll be moving to...). Two days from now, whatever feelings that have been rekindled, even if they are faint and uncertain, will most likely fade again as he and I go back to separate our lives.
It was disappointing because the distance and barriers between us are just too great (besides, he probably does not feel the same way I feel...). But our meeting also gave me a sense of hope. Hope, especially after all the complications with my ex and being left to feel abandoned and lingering in the background as he pursues a new relationship, that I can feel again, that I can meet someone and feel like I can move on. If my ex can apparently move on so quickly, then why can't I? Why do I feel like I owe my ex anything, when he is already out there pursuing (or at least trying to pursue) his own happiness? I can do the same, I want to do the same.
Meeting this guy from four years ago reassured me that I deserve something beautiful. I deserve to be with someone who can be with me fully, and not make me feel o need to compete for and win his love and attention. I do not need to always feel like the victim or feel worthless because my ex left me to go after someone else. I am master over my own happiness and the life I choose I lead.
We parted company, and he was a bit quiet, I was a bit quiet. How will this all end, I found myself asking. What was going on in his mind, I do not know, perhaps will never know.
Again, I gave him a hug, a tight and long one, the way I know how. He went his way, I went mine. For a moment, I stood and watched him cycle away. He probably had no idea...
Quietly, as his figure grew smaller and smaller, I wished him well, wished him happiness and peace. And the distance between us began to grow and grow again.
04 December 2011
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