Consolation

I got up really early, even though I slept late last night. Despite the disappointment about my unexpected huge salary cut, I still went to work with joy, and wanting to make a good job of what I do.

Almost the whole day I was in meetings. First in the morning to meet a known professor of air (and space) law at my university who has a lot of contacts and an extensive networks. Because this year the case of the moot court competition I'm organising is dealing with air law, any company or organisation in the aviation field could be a big potential sponsor. With a lot of sponsoring, we can then make sure it's a big success in April, when the competition is held.

And the professor was extremely kind and helpful, and promised to support me all the way. He's already started to advertise on my behalf, and said he can kept big names like KLM (the biggest national airline of the Netherlands), and even Eurocontrol (the organisation in charge of air traffic coordination in Europe) to be involved in the event.

I left with hope, and a smile, and went to my next meeting. It was with my former boss, whom I'm succeeding at the office. She's been ever so kind all the way, ever since I started volunteering for her last year. She was the one who asked me to stay and work (paid!) during the summer, and she was one of the people who really pushed the university to offer me the position I'm in now, so I'm always really grateful for what she does for me. She's often there to help me, tell me what to do when I need help, and I thank her a lot, but she always says I shouldn't, which makes me really embarrassed and lost as what to say.

Anyways, today's meeting with her was a sort of 'passing-on of wisdom', because she's been doing my job for three years, so knows the competition really well. She gave me a lot of useful contacts, said she'd call and write to people on my behalf, and took me step by step through everything that needs to be done in the coming months. So patient, and so detailed! We were at her house, and she had two big fat cats that always stayed around, and occasionally nudged against us, which was really sweet. One even came to sit in my lap for a good ten minutes, until my legs started to get numb from his weight...

Just before I left, I took out a little card, and two gifts for her. As usual, she said I shouldn't have, but I really wanted to. I was really grateful.... you know the kind of gratefulness that even a thousand 'thank yous' can't express.... the kind of gratefulness that makes your eyes a little watery...

I came home and had a good dinner, after which my 'girlfriend' (for lack of a better word) called. We talked and chatted, like we often do, asking how one another's been today, and at one point she just broke down and started to cry...

She has a really stressful job that's not paid well, but makes her literally every single day of the week. She probably works more than twelve hours a day, and at weekends she even goes to work as well. But her colleagues don't seem to appreciate her and her hardwork. She's really tried so hard throughout her life, and had to do everything alone with no support from anyone (not even parents). She's working so hard, but seems like there's no recognition.

When her voice started wavered and she started to wimper, I felt like I could cry too... That's one 'problem' (if it's a problem...) with me, and it's that I'm too sensitive to other people's feelings, and they affect me. She started to cry, and talk about her anxieties and pains. I listened and now and then just 'hmm-ed..." in acknowledgement, but deep down inside wishing I could be there to hold her and tell her it'll be alright, tell her things aren't all that bad. I guess if there's one thing I can do well, it's to calm people down, and just let them cry, and to just listen, listen, listen. Because it's all that a lot of people need... a shoulder to cry on and a listening and caring heart to accompany them.

Just before we ended our conversation, almost one and a half hours later, she thanked me, again and again, for being there. This time, it was me feeling embarassed, and feeling like there's no need to thank at all.

I guess that's what my boss feels.

And I guess what goes around, comes around too.

Poor pay!

Just as I was thinking things at work were going so well, suddenly something comes through the mail and tells you differently!

Last week was the first official work week. It was busy, trying to get myself into the position and get used to the fact that I'm the teamleader in charge of two (soon to be four) people underneath me. I know these people from before, so I don't really see myself as "I'm in charge", but more as a team working together as equals. I think we work well together, and to encourage them and make them feel more 'at ease', I bought some fresh orange juice, donuts and even treated them to lunch. I hope they'll be 'happy workers', and feel good being at the office. That's my philosophy... if you're happy at work, you're more likely to be committed and more able to 'give' yourself to work, and that makes the whole atmosphere at work pleasant.

I opened the mail today, and it was my contract. They want me to sign it and return it ASAP. It contains all the details of my position, and also (very importantly) my salary. To my surprise (more like shock), I will be getting paid much less than they had already agreed! It's more than 400 Euros less, and which is a lot of money! Money I wanted to use to save up if I want to go abroad and study again!

In August when they started to negotiate about me staying on to work and coordinate the big moot court competition, they had shown me approximately how much I'd be earning. They even budgeted my salary into the costs of organising the competition, so it was pretty much clear. All this time I was of course under the impression I'd be making that X amount of money, and that was the basis on which I made all my plans to save up money, to use to pay bills and pay my parents for rent.

And suddenly, they send me a contract with so much less!!! I was so disappointed... but I had been warned by my colleagues that the university is not just bureaucratic, but also very, very cheap and expects people to work full-time on a part time salary. I mean, what is stated on my contract is just 100 Euros more every month when I was employed as a student assistant!!! And I know for a fact that what they're offering now is not much more than a cleaner at my building ( I spoke to one recently).

After taking away the computers that my team need to work, they do this? What are they trying to do? Cut back on costs? They can start by renting a cheaper building, instead of throwing away tens of thousands every month just on rent...

I'm not going to sign the contract, but I'll go make some noise! Who do they think they are? And to be honest, at this stage they need me more than I need them. If they're not willing to pay me the amount they wrote down in August, go find someone else. They can go find someone else who knows the competition like I do. They can go find someone and ask them to start organising this competition from scratch. See if they can have as much success.

Ridiculous...

The Pigeon

I stared at the pigeon for a good half an hour or so. The autumn sun was lazy, and so was I. Sitting on the bench, watching the waves in the canal bob up and down can be a mesmorising experience.

The pigeon floated toward me, and then away. And as if my eyes attracted the pigeon as it rode up and down with the waves, it floated back toward me again, and danced around my feet.

Its feathers weren't wet from the water, and the pigeon seemed so light and innocent. It's legs kicked in the water, as bloated chest faced the sky, in a posture reminiscence of a mating ritual. A shy coot came and mischievously pecked and pulled the pigeon, but the pigeon didn't budge or stir.
The pigeon just floated on the water, deep in sleep, its eyes closed, white and bloated after having caught death.

Drizzle and rain

I really had to bite on the inside of my cheeks to avoid the tears escaping my eyes. She turned back and waved goodbye, again and again, which made it even more difficult. And then she was gone.

I wandered around the empty airport building, wondering what to do, where to go. Of course, the terminal was full of people, but it might as well been empty. On the train journey home, I looked out the window, watched the rain fall and drizzle flutter against the dark gray horizon. The rocking motion of the train rocked me into sleep... and away from the moments of sadness before.

My brother had been kind enough to bring my mum to the airport, but throughout the almost one hour of drive, he didn't say a word. Perhaps it was because it was too early in the morning... But even at the airport, as my mum got her luggage, and just before he drove away. He didn't even say anything... not even a goodbye, not even a hug. Just like that...
I'm really upset by his behaviour... just because my mum told him to move (which is nothing wrong at all!), he just became all distant and trying to act hurt... My mum worked hard to come here and see us, to take a little time out to relax and enjoy a holiday, and he treats her like this! And if I'm upset, imagine what my mum must feel... so utterly disappointed and heartbroken...

I opened my eyes half an hour later, just as the train pulled into my city. Stepping off, I wondered if I should go to work, or just go home and sleep for the rest of the day. As soon as I got home, and realising that my brother's girlfriend was there, I decided to grab my bags and swimming gear leave again. Only to come back just now, a little after midnight. Back to my old lifestyle of avoiding home as often as I can...

So I headed into town, and decided I needed to make myself 'pretty', so got a haircut. I guess that made me feel a little better about myself... Then I met my 'girlfriend' for lunch, and we chatted, trying to catch up things that's been happening in the last month that I've been away (studying and travelling).

She noticed it, but I guess I felt it too... at the canteen where we ate, the cashier guy wasn't just checking out the soup and salad I bought for lunch, but also checking me out! And he did it in such an obvious way... big smile, very friendly and polite, and kept looking at me. Even as we left, he kept looking at me and smiling... I don't get that much, so it must be the new haircut. Flattering... but I need someone who likes more than just looks... I need someone who can understand me, who I can understand and talk to everyday and still feel like it's the first time we met.

I went to work at three in the afternoon for a few hours. It didn't matter, because I'm my own boss now, and today was the first 'official' day of my new position as coordinator of the big competition! I say 'official' day, but I've been involved throughout the summer, so today was just like any other day at work. I wasn't at the office for almost the whole of September, and what do I see as I enter my office? Two of the three computers that are ordinarily there have disappeared! At first, I thought we were robbed, but my colleagues who work in another building told me one day the 'superiors' decided that they needed to cut costs. But for so many years, we've always had three computers, because to organise the competition we need around four students to assist us, and nowadays everything is done through email. How do they expect us to do our work? No consideration at all, and they didn't even ask me before they took the computers away! :( My boss is busy trying to get the computers back, but for the time being, I'm in charge of a big office with empty desks, and just one computer...

After work, I still didn't want to go home, like often, so I went swimming as planned. Went to a swimming pool I used to go as a little boy, but haven't been for over ten years. So many changes! And they've added so many new facilities that it's now bigger and better. The pool was empty, except for some middleaged ladies having aqua-aerobics lessons to terrible techno music. I swam around happily for an hour or so, and then got up. But I didn't go just yet, as this steam chamber caught my eye.

"Eucalyptus oil steam bath. Guaranteed to relieve stress after a hard day"

Hmmm, just what I needed, so I entered the cubicle and for the next ten minutes started to sweat in places I didn't know could sweat...! The eucalyptus oil and fragrance cleared my mind, and when the cold shower suddenly started at the end, I felt so refreshed, and ready to go.

But again, I didn't want to go home... even though it was already nine and the air was misty and damp and cold. I called my friend to just talk, but that quickly turned into a dinner date, because neither of us had eaten. We shopped together, and cooked together a big healthy meal of lots of vegetables and rice, and ate it over hot cups of tea and candlelight. So lovely... sitting there, talking and bonding, sharing our feelings.

When I was about to leave, we hugged each other goodbye, and I kissed her in the neck quite spontaneously. First time I did that, but she seemed to like it. It's not in any erotic way, and we both know it. But we both need it... because we're one another's 'substitute for love'.

Especially needed on nights when it's cold, drizzling, and raining...

Any other world

"In any other world
You could tell the difference
And let it all unfurl
Into broken remnants

Smile like you mean it
And let yourself let go

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a Lonely, lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

I tried to live alone
But lonely is so lonely, alone
So human as I am
I had to give up my defenses

So I smiled and tried to mean it
To make myself let go


'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
To the world you thought you lived in

'Cause it's all in the hands of a bitter, bitter man
Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in
Take a bow, play the part of a lonely lonely heart

Say goodbye to the world you thought you lived in [x2]
Say goodbye

In any other world
You could tell the difference

[Spoken]
"I never ever, I forget my story.
My face is no sad, but inside, I am sad."

Family feuds...

("Letting tears go...")

My mum and I had wonderful times together in the past few weeks, travelling, connecting, and relating to one another's happinesses and pains. And as if there's still so much to say, she has to go away again. I feel sorry to see her go... mostly because she's going back to a stressful life living with my dad and going back to her stressful job. It's tires her out. I can tell... through the wrinkles on her face, through the whitening hair around her ears, and through the look in her eyes...

I told her many times to retire early, and to take care of her health, because she just recently survived cancer and the last thing she needs is stress and tension. What's more important, I ask her always, to make money or live a happy life? Of course she knows it's the latter. But many things seem to prevent her from quitting her job. Mostly fears of being financially insecure, and partly because she doesn't know where to go.

I told her to come stay here, but she really doesn't want to live with my brother and his girlfriend, who have practically taken control of the whole house. Even in the short time my mum was here, she feels like she's the guest, even though she owns the house and has more rights than my brother or his girlfriend... She told my brother that he should move, go find a place of his own and start his own home... And that was met with days of sulking and cold-war! So childish... My brother's almost thirty, and makes a lot of money (more than average!), and he still thinks that it's right to be living in my parents home and to take a girlfriend home to live here. And he doesn't even pay rent!

I told him clearly: it's alright if you rent a house and live with your girlfriend, but now you're living at home and taking the girlfriend into our family home. We're not trying to break them apart of interfere with his life. We're just telling him to go build his own home somewhere else... anywhere, just not in the family home. I mean I'm four years younger than him, and I've already made plans to move out once I save up some money! Why didn't that come into his mind? Isn't it the most natural thing to leave home when you grow up?

But he just doesn't seem to understand or see how his actions and his girlfriend living here makes many things complicated. He just got extremely angry and treated my mum as if she's trying to make him homeless, or trying to come between him and his girlfriend. Such rubbish! All that sulking, not-talking, sighing loudly, and giving us all the angry 'evil' look.... He said things like he'll have to go get two jobs now, or that he'll have to sell his car because my mum wants him to move out, which is complete and utter rubbish. And he started to blame my mum for coming here, and giving him financial pressure by going on holiday. Excuse me!? It was him who wanted to go on holiday... it was he who made the plans... and it was my mum and me who paid for the trips!

He's been living at home for two years, but not saved a single cent! All because he wanted to buy that expensive new car. I had told him so many times that he'll have to consider the consequences if he bought a new car, but of course he didn't listen. The advice of his little brother is just too cheap to be useful. He just thinks I or my mum would always be there to support him, to pay for bills and to help him. But no. Enough is enough. He has to move!

My mum was a lot of the time upset and really disappointed with my brother... there was even this time she cried, while we were on holiday in Prague. How can my brother be so unreasonable, so selfish, and not think at all about other people or how they feel? I listened to their arguments, to my brother shouting and saying all these things that seem to make us the 'wrongdoers', and I feel so sorry for my mum... she's already ill, and has to deal with this kind of disrepectful and ungrateful person... she's already ill, and has enough worries, but are made even worse with someone else's selfishness and inconsideration for other people... I was on holiday in Prague, surrounded by such magnificent scenery and beauty, but with such terrible company.

No wonder why I had to take so much 'time out' to be alone and go do what I wanted to... it was often just too much to bear.

Shattered glass

Sometime ago I saw some gorgeous purple tulips made out of beautiful Bohemian crystals. They were really cheap, a rare find, and I bought a few of them to decorate my own room. They are so delicately hand-crafted, and so life-like that if you stand from far away you can't tell them apart from real ones. Only when you look close do you realise that they are out of cold glass, yet, no less beautiful.

When my mum came to visit almost three weeks back, I put them in a vase and placed them in her room. To welcome her home, to welcome her back to the Netherlands... back to the land of tulips.

The tulips smashed and shattered into bits and pieces. Ironically on the eve of her departure. I heard a loud bang next door, and ran over. On the ground was the vase, and out of it, spread in all directions, were shards of sharp glass.

"How terrible..." she said, her face obviously in shock. "What a terrible thing to happen to add to an already broken heart".

Deep, and even more so because it's so true.

"It's alright," I said lowly, "It's just glass, nothing precious. As long as no one was hurt". And it wasn't the shattered tulips and broken glass that made me sad, or that hurt as I picked them up.

I don't like goodbyes, and I don't think they like me, but they do seem to keep on meeting me. The worst is the few days, few hours, few minutes before the inevitable happens. Yes, goodbyes are inevitable... because it's the one thing that's sure when you meet.

In a few hours, I'll be standing at the airport and hugging my mum goodbye... makes me sad to just think about it.

Worse because I'm not sure when I'll see her again... if ever...

Travel pics!

You can see my Czech Republic travel pictures
HERE and HERE!

Burma burning

When I entered Burma (Myanmar) last year, a customs officer handed me a little leaflet. On it, in clear black-and-white lettering, was a warning that left little to the imagination.

"Any inteference with the internal politics of the Union of Myanmar will be severely dealt with according to national law".

Not the warm welcome I was expecting, but it was expected. It was the first time in my life I had tread into a country under authoritarian rule, and I could feel the 'hush-hush-ness' among the general public. The mere mention of the democratically elected Noble Peace Prize laureate (and coincidentally SOAS alumna) Aung San Suu Kyi is returned with a frown and worried look. No matter, since my purpose primarily to meditate at a monastery.

In a country where life and the people revolve around Buddhist religion and pacifism, the words and deeds of the monks are almost divine. In their burgundy and orange robes, Theravada monks are so highly regarded because they have undertaken to strive to live the life of the Buddha himself. In so doing, they abandon worldly pleasures, and detach themselves from worldly affairs, in venerable attempts to transcend suffering and pain through constant meditation and the practice of universal love and kindness. When a layperson speaks to a monk, the tradition is to bow three times first, and then press the palms and fingers together before your chest in a show of utmost respect. Even a slight physical touch with a monk is somewhat considered a taboo.

It is in this setting that the recent outbreak of protests, and subsequent oppressive crackdown must be viewed. The military junta that refused to recognise the results of the 1990 popular elections has since maintained an iron grip on Burmese people and politics, censoring news, indoctrinating through propaganda and throwing opposition activists into jail. No wonder Burma is amongst the least free countries in the world today .

With the news blackout, as yet no one is sure how many have been arrested, or killed as the Burmese junta continues to strike back hard at the peaceful demonstrators. After the first bloody crackdown in 1988, what is unique about this one is that it was led by hundreds of the very highly revered monks I have just described. This is an clear indication of the severity of the human rights and political situation in the country. As Amnesty International writes,

The situation in Myanmar has reached critical dimensions as demonstrations occur against the backdrop of persistent and massive violations of human rights. These include the prolonged detention of over 1,160 political prisoners held in deteriorating prison conditions, the continued detention of Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Daw Aung San Suu Kyi and other senior opposition figures who are prisoners of conscience, extrajudicial executions and the widespread use of torture in detention. There is also endemic suppression of freedom of expression throughout the country, use of forced labour and child soldiers continue as do crimes against humanity committed in counter insurgency operations in eastern Kayin (Karen) state. Access by independent observers and international human rights organizations to many parts of the country continues to be denied.

Ironic that these events come only days after the pompous celebrations of

the International Day of Peace, and just days before the similarly first International Day of Non-Violence. In Burma today, as in many places in the world where dictatorship and tyranny reign free, there is no peace, there is no non-violence.

Suddenly, the big powers and interested states have discarded their normal complacency and resorted to extremely effective talk and rhetoric with the added bonus of head-shaking. With surprising quick wit, the UN has managed to despatch a special envoy to 'talk' to the leaders of the illicit regime. Even the ceremonial Human Rights Council has decided to hold a special session on Burma, after years of politicking and non-discussion due to the vetoes of equally repressive and repulsive regimes. Indeed, what better way to collectively express condemnation of the brutal response of the military junta when
China- Burma’s main supplier of arms and comrade in oppressing people- wields the veto on the Security Council? Such a sorry state of affairs led the vice president McMillan-Scott of the European Parliament to call on the rest of the world to send a clear message to China, "the puppet master of Burma", to put pressure on the Burmese military junta to stop the crackdown, or else face a boycott of the 2008 Olympics so prized by Beijing.

It is too easy to take freedoms and rights for granted, but as demonstrations meet suppression in Burma show, many have to fight and die for them. Worldwide, shows of solidarity with the Burmese people are taking shape in the form of public demonstrations, blog entries and letter-writing campaigns. Maybe you can do your part too.

Because, as is so well put, “when one man is not free, no man is really free”. This applies to every woman, every child, and all the people living under oppression too.

Roses I bought from Amnesty International today

Despite having been labelled by the military junta as spreading "skyful lies, ">BBC News offers a good source of the events surrounding the protests in Burma.

Ahoj Praha!

I'LL upload pictures soon! Too tired now, just wanted to get my thoughts down!

How excited I was to be taking a short holiday, and how much I had been looking forward to seeing what many have called the 'Gem of Central Europe'.

Prague certainly didn't disappoint. Almost immediately after arriving, the city started to grow on me little by little. The cobbled streets, red trams, majestic buildings, and all those beautifully crafted angels and saints every corner you turn. The streets and alleyways brim with history, and culture of having once been the capital of the Holy Roman Empire and the temporarily the seat of Habsburg Dynasty, and which today is vibrant and radiating with the soul of Bohemian romanticism and pride, especially the having conquered fifty odd years of communist reign, and the devastating floods of 2002.

The Old City (Stare Mesto) was already settled around the 7th century, and across the Vltava (Moldau) riverbank the beginnings of what would be the biggest castle complex in the world, Prague Castle (Prazsky Hrad) was already started in the 9th century. King Charles IV built the city into one of the biggest and most affluent in Central Europe, and to this day the magnificent church spires, town halls, towers, and 16 ancient bridges that span the wide Vltava river make Prague perhaps the most charming and romantic city I've ever visited yet.

We spent the first half of the first day recovering from waking up really early. The airport security wasn't as bad as I expected (or as some friends have experienced). Without those mean-looking security persons asking, I obediently put my liquids into a tiny little see-through plastic bag, even worried that my 250ml kamille shampoo would be thrown into the bin because it was too much (maximum allowed per bottle is 100ml) and therefore too dangerous. As I put my lotions and potions into the little bag, and quickly drank half a litre of water to avoid throwing it away, I thought to myself how silly it was, and how too afraid we have all become... Sad, if you think about how even face cream or shower gel can be the object of suspicion. After having gone through all that trouble, the security people said nothing at all, and I passed through the x-ray machines surprisingly quickly. No questions asked, no strip searches done.

After having slept a good few hours after arriving we set out to explore Prague on foot at around dusk. It was simply breathtaking, as the orange glow of the last rays of sun, slowly crept over the tops of ancient buildings, illuminating each carefully and artfully decorated and crafted detail and aging statue. We strolled through the little alleyways, and every corner seemed to take us to another 'new' world of the old. Every time we walked through little tunnels, and criss-crossed the old city, beauty waited for us to stop and admire. That evening, we went to a concert at the Rudolfinium, which is this really grand concert hall, where we enjoyed timeless classical music to set the mood for the next few Bohemian days... or days in Bohemia.

As much as I enjoyed the city-scenery, the quaint little road, grand majestic buildings and churches, the hordes of tourist was a constant eye-sore. Maybe it's hypocritical, since I myself was a tourist... but because there were so many of them, a phenomenon developed whereby everywhere you go you are pestered by eager vendors trying to hawk their postcards and cheap souvenirs... and everywhere you go are shops and stands all competing with self-proclaimed 'lowest prices!' and 'discounts!', but all selling the same 'Made-in-China' ware. Even worse was the phenomenon I call 'McDonalisation'... It's not just those hideous Golden Arches (TM), but the likes of Coca Cola, Samsung, Gap etc, etc, etc that seem to flood the world like a sudden and devastating storm made up of boring sameness, luring neon-lights and incessant capitalist consumerism.

The second day was dampened by rain, which continued to fall throughout the day, all the way till the evening. We didn't really do much, except walk around the shops to shelter from the rain. Not just the rain dampened the day, but my brother did as well. Before the trip, I had borrowed tour-guide books on Prague from the library, so that we could know what we want to do and see. He didn't seem the least interested, and just walked around with a sullen face and bored look. Whenever my mum or I asked him what he wanted, he just said "Whatever..." and continued to look bored and irritated. No matter what, he wasn't satisfied... I had had enough, and for an hour or so I simply left to go to the Museum of Communism by myself. Partly, to escape from being around my brother, who was really getting me annoyed, and partly because personally, I believe Communism is the best ideology in the most utopian of worlds. And the museum showed it well... starting with the creeping taking control of Communism in Czechoslovakia (as it was then) in the inter-war periods, then the arrival of the Soviets, and hardening policies and stiffening oppression after 'Prague Uprising' in 1968. All the remnants of Communist propoganda, showing happy men and women working hard for the good of communism and the nation, showing marvellous achievements and the decadence of the 'West', were on display there. The exhibition ends with the 'Velvet Revolution' of 1989, when Czechoslovakia, and the rest of Eastern Europe broke free from the yoke of Communism as the Wall crumbled and eventually fell. It's a remarkable history, and the museum emphasises that tireless struggle of the Czechs (and others) very well, and in so doing subtly demonises the whole ideology behind one of history's worst excesses in terms of political oppression (purges) and human suffering and death. That is why personally I think it's the greatest ideology in the most utopian of worlds... but not suited for this one, where human greed for domination and power prevails over the ideals of common humanity and the equal sharing fruits of labour and thinking.

The third day, we travelled three hours on the bus through the Bohemian countryside to the little village of Czesky Krumlov. Lonely Planet praised that "if anywhere symbolises the idiosyncratic beauty of small town Central Europe", it is this town. Situated in a bend in the Vltava River, it is a town at the crossroad of ancient Europe's trade routes, and close to the borders of Germany and Austria, which has been on the UNESCO World Heritage Site list since 1992! We wandered through the tiny streets, and admired the beautiful houses with walls that are painted as if they were canvases (....and I have to admit, also admired the souvenir shops....). The second largest castle in the Czech Republic overlooks the town, and offered a stunning few of the valley and river flowing through it. Again, because of my brother, I wandered off on my own for a while, and strolled through the woods and around town by myself. The night before, we had a big family discussion, and he got so angry that for the whole day he continuously sulked and gave my mum and I an ugly face to look at... I'll spare the details of the family feud for another time, but I'm extremely angry at my brother, because it was he who suggested going to Prague, it was he who made the travel arrangements, but it is also he who didn't seem the least interested and who was ruining the whole trip for everyone!! So selfish...

Again, today, the final day, rain and my brother's non-talking and sulking dampened our spirits. We set off to visit the beautiful Prague Castle, but half-way I decided to again go off on my own. It was just too much to have to look at my brother and see that bored and uninterested look, as if we were the cause of all his grief and boredom. I explored the ancient castle complex, and climbed the hills around it. It was drizzling, and freezing cold, but I walked on, unafraid even though I didn't know where exactly I was headed, and very glad to have gotten rid of my family. I wandered through the damp woods, with no one else around, and felt really alone again... A family trip, perhaps the last one we'll ever make, and it has to be like this? All this bickering, arguing, and sulking and non-talking... why??? I walked further, and the deeper I got into the hills, I more I lost myself in thought, until eventually I was walking in deep forest where there was no path. I looked around, and tried to search for a landmark, and was lucky to see the church spires below which gave me a general direction where to go. I went on, through the misty and damp forest floor, and stumbled across a cave full of plastic bags and sleeping bags. The 'owners' of this home weren't home, but I thought to myself how people could live like this in the cold and damp... Despite the high economic growth and booming market after having gotten rid of Communism and more recently joined the European Union, the streets of Prague are surprisingly as pocket-faced and filled with beggars...

I eventually made it out of the woods, and down to the street level, after which I made my way toward the National Museum (Narodni Muzeum). I took the metro, because I love trains!, and also because I like the way it feels to be walking around underground and knowing that above your head there's a bustling city full of traffic, trams, pedestrians and what-have-you. The Prague Metro looks and smells similar to that of the London Underground, except it's cleaner and better maintained. The museum itself, with exhibits of gemstones, animal skeletons, and a bit of the (pre)history of the Czecho-slovak region wasn't particularly spectacular, but the building was impressive from the inside and out. I heard from a tour guide that when the Soviets seized the city, they shelled the museum, because it looked as imposing and important as a government building. Inside, beautifully decorated halls and walls made my neck sore, but mind bulge at the wonders of what art and history surrounded me and the air I breathed.

In the drizzling rain, and terrible rush hour traffic, we inched our way to the airport. For the next few hours or so until home, we said few words to one another, because of the 'Cold War' that's tensed relations between brother and everyone else.

I looked out the window, and through the rain drops that clung onto the misty window like tear drops, I silently waved goodbye to the cobble-stone streets, angels and saints, and grand buildings that were just beginning to take on their evening look under yellow floodlights. How beautiful this country was, with its rich history, arts, culture and natural scenery... and how even more so, were it all with better company.

Prague!

Taking another short trip this week... this time to Prague!
Never been, and have heard many great things about it, especially the rich Bohemian culture and history, beautiful old city and Czech boys! ; )

Really looking forward to it, since it'll be the first time in over a year that I'm flying. Managed to find this cheap airplane and accomodation offer for four days, so should be plenty of time to discover in and around Prague.

See you soon!

Sunset beach

It's a simple pleasure, and it costs nothing. Yet it's priceless.

Just standing there, watching the waves, admiring the final rays of light of the day. The sun set so quickly, and disappeared below the watery horizon. Seagulls sang and huddled together on the rocky surface of the wave-breaker. The waves were so calm and smooth.

Next to me stood my mum, and we watched the sunset together. I've been to the beach so many evenings around the same time, and I've watched many sunsets so many times, all by myself. The beauty, the serenity of it all makes me want to share the experience with another person every time.

And I'm glad that today I shared it with someone.

Recent pictures

I've been away in the past few weeks, because of my course on space law, and also because of my short holiday breaks. There are tonnes of pictures to share with you, so here they are:


HAPPY VIEWING!!~ : )

Pics of my space law course:

• ESA test facility
• GOCE
• Models of spacecraft and satellites
• Rocket models
• Ariane rocket
• Launch III
• Launch II
• Launch
• ISS command centre
• ISS III
• ISS II
• International Space Station
• ECSL Summer Course 2007

Pics of my trips to:

• Luxembourg II
• Luxembourg

and

• Route du vin IV
• Route du vin II
• Route du vin
• Obernai II
• Strasbourg IV
• Strasbourg III
• Strasbourg II
• Strasbourg

and

• Haut Koenigsbourg Castle V
• Haut Koenigsbourg Castle IV
• Haut Koenigsbourg Castle III
• Haut Koenigsbourg Castle II
• Haut Koenigsbourg Castle
• view from Haut Koenigsbourg III
• view from Haut Koenigsbourg II
• view from Haut Koenigsbourg

and

• Heidelberg III
• Heidelberg II
• Heidelberg

• Miltenberg
• German road trip II
• German road trip

Coming home

It felt a little strange to be driving into the Netherlands again (more correctly, riding since I can't drive!). For one thing, the speed limit is only 120km/hr, which seems really, really slow compared to limitless in Germany! Another reason is because after four days, and around 2000km in and around France and Germany, we were all really tired and looking forward to falling into our own beds.

It was a really pleasant trip, even though all the places we went I've already been a couple of times. But it's true that the same places are different each time you visit because of the company you have. With my 'craving' to share beauty and pleasantness with others, I've always wanted to show my mum (and to some extent brother, I guess) all that Strasbourg, Alsace and Heidelberg has to offer. They heard me talk about it, seen all the pictures, and it was about time for them to see how magical these places really are.

We set off early on Monday, and drove through Belgium, towards Luxembourg, where we made a short break. I remember my first-ever trip in Europe was to Luxembourg, and the only thing that stuck to my mind was the stunning view of the valley and the arch-bridge that runs across it in the middle of Luxembourg City. It is today as stunning as before, if not more.... perhaps because now that I'm older I can appreciate the beauty much more.


Then from there we drove toward Strasbourg, and made it there by evening. We weren't all that tired, so we set our luggage down, and off we went exploring in the old city. I've spent so many moments walking around Petite France and the city centre by myself, so I know the alleyways and buildings well. We sat down to dinner by the river-side, at an ancient-looking (but so-so-tasting) restaurant, and clinked our glasses to our family reunion. It's been over six months since we last sat down together to eat.



The next day, I was the navigator (more reliable and accurate than any GPS/Tom Tom ever will be!) and guided my brother to the Alsatian countryside. First stop was Haut-Koenigsbourg Castle, an ancient castle built already in the 13th Century, and saw many exchanges of hands between the many pricedoms and kingdoms of medieval Europe until today. We tread the castle grounds, wet from the occassional rain that fell and stopped, fell and stopped, and admired the gorgeous panorama view from the top, despite the chilling temperatures. Thin clouds shrouded over the valleys and hills, at times pierced through by a weak but beautiful sun, making the experience even more memorable. After that, we took the wine route (Route du vin) through one of the best and renowned wine regions in Europe, passing quaint little villages and vast tracks of vineyards and rolling fields. By then the weather had cleared, making it pleasant. A few glasses of fresh wine later, everything seemed even more so.



That evening, I met up with my friend and my godson, both of whom I've not seen since June. As usual, baby Sunny is a delight to see, and how much he's changed since! We sat down to dinner, but all throughout he kept on running around excitedly, testing out his new-found ability to roam freely wherever his legs carried him... everything that could be touched and grabbed on was his plaything... the toilet, the bin, the chairs, other dining guests he went around to to play with. As we were dining in the basement of the restaurant, he had this urge to climb up the stays every five minutes, and just sit on the staircase and smile. The waiters were getting a little annoyed of having to avoid stepping on him and avoid spilling food all over him, but his light tapping of his shoes and clapping seemed to take all the annoyance away. He could climb up the stairs, but getting down was difficult. And he'd then stretch out his hand, as if to ask for my hand. Once he grabbed ahold of it, he'd slowly climb down. Sweet.

Heidelberg we went to on the third day, and enjoyed a wonderful hike through the castle grounds, and through the old university town.


That evening, we arrived home early at the hotel, and since I was staying with my mum in the same room, we had a long and hearty talk. She told me about her plans to retire soon... if not, then at least take a long sick leave of a year or so, because she feels her job is too overwhelming and affecting her health. I've told her many times that she should retire soon, especially since she's still recovering from having a long cancer treatment. Together with living with my dad, which involves constant cold war and non-communication, she feels really unhappy. Just leave all that unhappiness and stress behind, and come settle down again in Europe, was always my suggestion. I was of course glad that she herself was thinking about retiring, and change her life (if only temporarily).

One thing that my mum does really well is worry. Worry a lot... about me, about my brother, my dad, about everything and everyone else, except for herself. While we sat there and talked about many things, she said again that one big thing she worries is my sexuality. The last few times that we met in the past few years, I made it pretty clear to her that I'm gay, and that she shouldn't hold any hopes of me getting married with some girl and having a family like she'd want me to. She said that she's disappointed by that... not in an angry or upset way. Just disappointed, even though she said she suspected all along. She'd rather I have a 'normal life', at which point I responded that I do live a normal life:

"Man-woman, man-man, woman-woman! What does it matter who sleeps or loves who? I live my own life, and it's not the concern of anyone else! Not yours, not relatives or friends! So I'm gay. Why should that be your worry? To put it very bluntly, you can live your remaining years worrying about me, but I'll still be gay and I'll still be me. Do you want to live your life happily, or with regret and disappointment about things that don't really concern you?"

Perhaps a little harsh... but I felt relieved, and felt like I needed to say it out loud and out clearly. She didn't say much after that, just a simple "It's your life." And we left it at that. That night, I slept, feeling a little lighter and as if a big burden had lifted... somehow.

Today in the morning, we left early, and headed home, but first made a big detour to visit this outlet shopping mall that my mum wanted to visit. I'm not such a big fan of shopping, but to be honest things were really cheap there compared to shop prices, so I did buy some things...

On the way we drove through some amazing scenery... green valleys, trees slowly changing their colours to put on an autumn coat, meandering rivers surrounded by lush mountains and rock faces, dotted with church spires, cottages and grazing cattle. It was so beautiful, so quietly romantic...

... and I manage shared it all with my family, for a change.

Vacation!

I've not had a vacation for months, and the same day that I finished my summer course, my mum arrived to stay with me for around three weeks. It's really nice to see her again after more than half a year, and seeing that she and I (and my brother) all need a little break, we're all going to France and Germany for a few days.

I've always wanted to share the beautiful cities of Strasbourg and Heidelberg with my mum, so we'll be staying there a few days. Also gives me a chance to see my godson, who I haven't seen for a almost three months.

Back Friday! :)

Summer Space Camp

Me watching the live launch of Russian-built Soyuz rocket lifting off on Friday 14 September!

“It’s not really goodbye, just a ‘See you later’.”

With that I ended my two week stay at space camp in the tiny seaside village of Noordwijk with some forty students from all over Europe. Well, perhaps it wasn’t the same sentiment and feelings I felt towards everyone, but at least there are a select few in the group I have grown fond of, and will miss their company. Just earlier this afternoon, I got a gift and sweet note from three girls. On the note it said:

”If there were many more people in the world, it would be a better place to live in. Please don’t change!”

I was extremely touched by the gesture, and was really, really surprised what effect I could have on people, even in such a short time. I mean, I didn’t do much, and was just myself, but that somehow managed to leave an impression on people. It’s a real boost to my self-confidence!

It’s funny to observe a large group of people, and how people interact. There are those who try very hard and try to impress everyone with their joking and imitations and clowning around, and then there are those who are mostly on their own and so quiet you don’t really notice them. And there are those in between these extremes. The first few days you mingle and try to make friends with everyone, but after a while people group together. Minds flow alike, as they say.

We were all brought together by this course in an obscure but utterly fascinating field of space law, and now two weeks later we go our separate ways. Perhaps some people I’ll never see again, perhaps some people I’ve not really gotten to know well, but I’m glad I’ve managed to make connections with a number I’m sure I’ll “see-you-later”.

It was a pretty hectic and intensive summer course, and I really can’t remember the last time I had so many lectures after one another every single day. Almost 50 in total, from all sorts of speakers, and all crammed into two weeks. Towards the end I was so exhausted and drained that I often dozed off in class. It wasn’t such a great idea to be always sitting at the front, but then again from all my years of studying I’ve managed to develop this technique whereby I nap, but every few minutes or so I nod my head in agreement, make a few ‘Hmm’ noises to express my understanding, or turning the papers in my hands profusely to pretend I’m following very attentively. Take a look at the notes I’ve made, and you’ll see scribbles of lines that just fall off the page which I can’t even understand any more!

Everyday the day starts at sevenish, and by eight we have to be at the bus, ready to ride into the research centre of ESA. It’s literally a different world in there, full of thousands of scientists, policy makes, lawyers, working toward progress and realising the dreams of soaring into space and discovering all that is out there in the universe. Through the two days of lectures we’ve had, I just realised what an unexplored area of the law space law is. All these conventions and regulations dating to the sixties, but so much progress has been made in these decades. The problem of the launching state, liability for accidents, problem of space debris, and just the matter of amending age-old legal instruments seem such political and cumbersome tasks.

But I did enjoy it all very much, especially the team assignment. Even though team work took up every single evening, I really had a lot of laughs working together with all these people from different backgrounds. Our assignment was to think of a creative idea linking ‘entertainment and space’, and focus on the legal, political and other aspects of the project that we write about in a report and present before a jury. We were up until at least midnight every evening, just working, researching and discussing. At times there were conflicts within us, and a number of members didn’t really get along well. One disagreed with everyone, and had to be outvoted before our project idea could move forward. He funny eventually changed from opposing everything to the one who seemed to be doing all the hard work and leading everyone else, even though the rest of us were cursing lowly and confused what he wants to do. I bought drinks and snacks everyday, and tried to make sure there was better harmony between people. And I guess it worked well. Eventually we actually made it to second place. Had we observed the rules of writing a report and presenting the arguments, and not gotten penalised for it, we would have easily been the first! I’m happy with the result, especially when the jury mentioned that the legal part of our report was the best out of all eight competing groups!

There’s this German guy that caught my eye almost from the very first moment. I caught myself looking often in his direction, but he was always hanging around these girls, and I never dared to venture close, and only managed to admire him from afar. Then suddenly on the second day, as we were allowed to have some free time to take some pictures in the ‘high bay’, where all these model space crafts and compartments are, fate kissed me. I was just minding my own business, and this guy told me to go stand in the picture. I didn’t know what was happening, but before it I was pulled into the picture, and standing next to that cute guy. After the picture was taken, we both stood there nervously, and laughed at the surrealness of having been forcibly had our pictures taken. Then he introduced himself, and we struck it off instantly, laughing and joking around, and getting to know one another. He has such boyish features, dark brown semi-curly hair, and a pair of beautiful blue eyes that stared into mine as I talked. He listens so attentive, and responds so intelligently and gently. It’s like finding a match I’ve been longing for. Even on the bus, he sat next to me, and we talked all the way back to the hotel. He was so close, I could feel his knee slightly leaning on mine…

Turns out, he’s not gay after all. I found out playing this ‘psychiatrist game’, and the person who is the psychiatrist has to guess who all the other people are by asking different questions. I was the psychiatrist, and I asked him whether he likes boys or girls. The answer was a little disappointment. I guess he was ust very friendly, and giving out all the wrong signals. But that’s alright, I guess.

Yesterday morning, I carried my suitcase and bagback, and went home really early, alone. But not at all empty-handed.

Space camp

I've been many places, but nothing will compare to the journey I'm about to embark on. Sometime ago, when I was still wondering what to do with my life, a friend suggested I attend a summer course. She said it would take me to places "beyond this world", literally.

So I signed up for Space Camp. It's a two week course organised in Noorwijk, which is a sea-side town containing the site of the European Space Agency's research and technology centre. I only have to pay a bit of registration fee, and the rest of the two weeks is expenses paid, including accommodation. It'll be two weeks of compact lectures and seminars, focusing on space law and space policy. I guess with my background in international law, it helps to be already a little prepared, even though I don't really know anything about what kind of laws and regulations govern space. It'll also be a chance to see so of the technology and things they use in space. Maybe even meet an astronaut or two.

I grew up watching Star Trek, and have always been fascinated by the big, big world beyond this one whenever I look up at the skies. And this will really be a great opportunity.


I really haven't been giving this camp much thought recently, until today or so, because I've just been too busy sorting out my life and future out. I wanted to prepare a bit, and do some background reading, but I guess I'll just have to attend without knowing anything. Which could be a good thing... or terrible!

Funny thing is, I was dreaming last night about camp! I have to share this room with this other guy I never met before. I only know his name and that he is from Austria... and the rest I don't know anything about. In my dream, we were somehow really intimate.... if you know what I mean. That's what happens when you've been single and had no sex for a long, long while~

Onto space camp! To boldly go, where no one in my class has ever gone before!

Induction

I'm not a new student, so technically I don't need all that craziness and drunkedness in the first week of university. But today happened to be someone's birthday party, and I went. To be honest, I was a bit reluctant, because there was nobody I knew at the party, except for the birthday girl, and my best girl-friend. I actually made me appearance at the party conditional on my friend being present.

It actually didn't turn out to be too bad, and I met a nice girl who is about to start the same degree that I'm doing. So I spent some time just chatting with her, and telling her all the ins and outs of our programme, and she seemed genuinely interested. And the food wasn't too bad either, and there were plenty of drinks and snacks to go around.

As the evening went on, someone suggested that we go down to the local discotheek. This week happens to be 'induction week', and all these new students were coming into the town I study. We joked that there would be 'fresh blood', and that we might be able to pick up people by going to this dancing bar.

A bit reluctant I went. And it was just as I expected... terrible music, deafening to the ears, and all these strangers all over the place I didn't know, which made me feel a bit comfortable at times. I did dance a bit, with people I knew. And I looked around, looking at all these new people that are new in town, wondering whether there would be someone out there.......

But let's get real. How do you meet someone at a loud disco where everyone seems to be so drunk and confused? I certainly would never want to meet anyone like that. It was smoky, choking, and full of people looking for other people to get laid it seemed. Sleazy...

We danced around a bit, and the girls I was with were looking around and checking out guys, pointing out and whispering which one they thought were good-looking and suitable. I listened to their conversation, and in that sweet and 'innocent' voice of mine asked "Guys? Where? Where? Show me!"

To that one girlfriend responded by asking me: "Are you gay?"

"No, no. I'm not gay," I replied, smirking and took a drink out of my wine glass, looking and sounding smart, "I just like guys. Can't you tell?" I smirked some more. Obviously not.

At around two in the morning, I left the dancing bar with a friend who lives in the same city as I do. She and I cycled to the train station, both of us recovering from the horribly loud missing, and still hearing the hum in our ears. Both of us somewhat relieved to get out of that place.

Graduation

Your personal charm and attractiveness has a positive effect on your career, reputation, or public image. People see you as a loving and lovable person and as someone who is aware of their needs and feelings, which can benefit you at this time. Others are willing to help and cooperate with your aims. Your interest in the arts or in promoting harmony and good will between people is brought out at this time.
Horoscope 31 August 2007

It was exactly a year ago that I started my master's studies, which was supposed to last one year. One year later, I passed all my subjects with good marks, and am more or less able to graduate, if only I could finish my thesis. The good thing in this country is that you can 'study' as long as you want... as long as you don't finish your thesis, you're still 'studying', even though you're not going to classes anymore.

So, with today in mind around a month or so ago, I proposed to our course convener that we should organise a graduation event. Even if people are not yet finished with their studies, we deserve a celebration to mark our year together. We worked hard, were constantly given assignments, and we were good as a group. My lecturer liked my proposal, and went to ask the department whether there is 'room' for a graduation event.

No, no. No money. I was not so much surprised, but just shocked. OK, it's not a tradition for people in the Netherlands to graduate together, because like I mentioned everytime takes their time to finish off their degree. But I'm doing a degree which also has international students, and the department should have at least considered something to bring the class together before we each go our separate ways. Like I told my lecturer it's such basic knowledge that people who are at the end of their studies have some kind of final get-together event... but I don't know whether the department staff is too incompetent or too stingy to even give the idea any thought. I mean, how much is it to organise a small reception? How much effort does it actually take??

However, what gets me even more shocked and upset is that there is another degree in exactly the same subject as my degree that is running parallel to mine. The difference between my degree and that other degree is that the other is (so-called) 'advanced', which in terms of contents is more in-depth. The other difference is that the other degree costs around ten thousand Euros more than mine. In the end, we both have a masters degree in Public International Law.

Ever since the beginning of the year, I've noticed differences in treatment between the two groups. On the first day for example, my group was left to walk around by ourselves in the faculty building, whereas the other group got invited to tea and cake with the lecturers. My group is not allowed to have classes in a new posh building that opened last year, but the other group can (it's the same building I work in, so I guess I'm the exception to the rule). And about the graduation: the other group has a proper graduation attended by VIPs and with proper pompous ceremonies... but my group has to organise our own graduation. This is what I call 'education Apartheid' based on the ability to pay. And it really disgusts me.

No matter. Where there are obstacles in the way, where bureaucracy tries to slow you down and undermine your wishes, you resort to self-help. My proposal to my lecturer was that we organise a 'pot-luck' event! So from the beginning of July till this week, I've been busy arranging for a ceremony of our own. I've mailed around asking my classmates to attend, and have been in contact with my course convener and invited the other department staff to attend. I managed to book a beautiful room at the place I work for this evening (see pictures!!!), and asked people to bring food and drinks so that we can have a wonderful get-together, even without all that pompous and fancy stuff.

Everything seemed to be set, and I was just about to buy the decorations and plastic cups and party hats.... then suddenly four days ago my lecturer mails me saying that the very time that our graduation is taking place coincides with the ceremony of the other group. Which basically means, none of the department staff will attend. My lecturer asked me for suggestions, and I said that perhaps we could merge our event with the official event. That was not allowed, because the room in which the official ceremony is taking place is "too small", and it will be odd to have people from our group there. That was the response.

I was so disappointed, frustrated and a bit bitter. What kind of department is this? Again my doubts and fears of working at the university was confirmed. So much politics, so much power-struggle and pompousness and snobbishness. The discrimination, the inequality in treatment... disgusting. Just disgusting.

All that hardwork, all that planning, and the department doesn't even seem to care at all. My lecturer asked me to reschedule, but I told him frankly that it's pointless and I don't want to. I'm not willing to commit myself to more hassle planning an event that people are not going to show up at. Why should I? I'm a student, and I like all other people pay for education. We pay for service, pay for recognition and respect, but instead we get treated like second-class citizens.

I left work together in the evening. Before I left the building, I walked into the room that was supposed to be the room for our graduation. It was dark, and silently empty. I stood in the room, touched the wooden walls and admired the neatly place tables and chairs, and I imagined.

Imagined what it could have been like to have a proper ceremony, there and then.

Job x3

What's wrong with me?!

Within the last three weeks or so I got three job offers!
First, at the university where I'm already working... then at the criminal tribunal for the former Yugoslavia... and now, totally unexpected and out of nowhere, another offer to work as an intern for the Charles Taylor defence team!!!

What to do? What to do?
What to choose? What to choose?

versions of Dragostea din tei

Suddenly had the urge to listen to this song! It was a great summer hit in 2004, by Moldovan band O-zone.


Original (Romanian) version: Dragostea din tei
(translation of the song here)


Misheard version



Dutch version: Allo
(This version is a parady on speed cameras and traffic policemen everywhere!)


Taiwanese version: Shabu Shabu~
('Shabu Shabu' is a sort of fondue popular in Asia. You cook all sorts of vegetable and meat in a communal pot, which can be really fun and exciting especially with close friends and family.)