About a boy

There once was a boy. A small boy, who kept himself smaller than he was.
But in truth he was big inside, for he had a big heart and a big imagination.
He was able to see the world, feel its miseries, and share its laughter.
He was lonely, and had no family close to him.
But he did not despair, and he lived life and lived it to the fullest.

The saddest song would make his eyes tear.
The most touching moment would make his heart sigh.
He saw beauty in nature, and he saw good in people.
From this he created a world of fantasies and fancies.
He had hopes, he innocently dreamt of a world of peace, of happiness and love.

The boy had a lot to endure, and felt the weight of the world on his tiny shoulders.
Traumas scarred and scared him, but he fought on.
He told himself he would grow stronger, and endure,
To let all the bad things go by and continue to live
To continue to see the world with all the beauties and hopes it had to offer.

But people never took much notice of him, or what he needed the most.
Nobody would ask him what he was thinking, what he was feeling,
Yet all he needed was someone to talk to, someone to hold.
People went and came, took what he had to give,
And left him alone, and beckoning to be touched,
Longing to be loved.

With the passing of time, that boy grew.
At first he clung onto his fantasies and dreams,
At first he said to himself that things would get better.
But life continued to disappoint,
People continued to hurt him
Coming and going, hurrying on and leaving the boy behind.

He turned bitter, and began to wilt
Like a flower, once in bloom and brightly coloured,
The boy's character faded.
Those hopes of peace and happiness seemed to be smothered
In constant fears and nightmares.

And he was left confused and hurting,
Realising what was happening to him.
He had long ago promised to himself that the world would not swallow him,
That he would always cling onto his innocence and purity.
But bit by bit the darkness crept up
And drained the souls of hope from inside him.

He saw himself die little by little,
And silently watched his innocent slip away like sand.
And it hurt him so, but he could not cry,
However much he tried.
Like a lost body without direction, without a destination
He goes from day to day,
But can no longer see the light of day.

Deep down inside, he trembles and shakes,
In the vain wish that someone would notice.
Deep down inside, he still hopes and pray,
That one day that another would come
And refill that void inside.

I wonder where the boy went...?

ARGH!

Suddenly feel so frustrated, and I have no idea why! The weather's turned great, and finally there's the feel that it's summer, but not happy :(

Went to work, spent a few hours trying to work on thesis, but instead made me feel like I have no idea what I'm writing about... And the whole office building was almost completely empty, because everyone was away on holiday. So it was even more quiet than usual, like I was the only person there... I really could feel the loneliness building up again, because I haven't spoken to anyone for days...

At five I decided to go home early, but while cycling home I felt so miserable. Everyone seems to be so happy, enjoying the sun and sitting outside the terraces. And I... I don't even feel like going home... don't feel like going back to that place where people scream and shout at seven in the morning already!

I just feel like getting away... just want to get away from all this, get away from everything that's irritating me! But where to...? What would I do there by myself...? Driving me nuts...

So angry for some reason, like I want to just scream or break something!!! It's such a terrifying thought, because I don't usually feel like this! But I don't really know why...

ARGHHHHH!!!

A boom boom ba

A nice song.... and a beautiful clip that just melts your heart.

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

Crazy weather

Sitting at my office, just a little before seven in the evening.

Outside it's thundering and pouring with rain, like I've rarely seen before in this country. Since my office is the attic, and there are seven roof windows, it's sooo loud. It's quite nice to watch the rain smash against the window, and slide down the glass like waterfalls. The clouds are so dense and so dark, it reminds me of 'Armageddon' for some reason...

Can't really concentrate on my work, so that's why I'm writing this, hoping by the time I finish, the storm will have passed away.

Almost.

Splat!

There was mist close to the ground, hovering just above the grass. It was humid, and the ground was wet from the thunderstorm during the day. But this evening the sky had cleared, giving way to a humid and warm feeling in the forest.

I walked around a bit, getting my daily need of fresh air, and opportunity to get out of the house. Because the ground was damp still, there were slugs and snails almost everywhere on the paths. I tread very carefully not to kill them, and reminded myself of what happened last time I accidentally killed one.

Walking, walking, after a while I really had to... 'go'. I looked around, and there really was nobody, so I walked behind a big, big tree, and silently excused myself to the tree for what I had to do. It was dark in the forest, and the tree bark was dark too from the rainwater. There was a brown thing that was stuck on the bark, and I thought it was just a leaf. Feeling playful I aimed at that thing, thinking the leaf would 'wash away'. But it didn't.

Instead, the leaf curled up and started to crawl, very, very, very slowly. "Oh, oh..." I thought to myself, as I quickly turned to aim somewhere else. "What have I done now...?"

Walking home, I was still feeling sorry for what I had just pee-ed on. And I was even more careful not to step on any snails, thinking I'd hurt one too many today.

Suddenly a splat! And a few centimetres from my foot was a wet pile of white poo, freshly landed on the pavement.

There was a relief that I didn't get hit. But then again, I realised that it was a warning too.

A close one.

Alles goed?

I stood on the edge, where the land met the sea.
Or where the sea met the land.
It didn't matter.

I could feel the waves, the way they hushedly caressed the shore, shattering into clouds of white confusion on the rocks. The sky was dark, dark blue, and red on the horizon where the sky and sea were sown together. Thoughts of the day were silenced by the sounds of the sea, and a weight lifted as I sighed.

I admired the tides, the way they spread like sheets of transparent glass, and wondered about the long, long way they had traveled to crash and break at my feet. A day was dying, and another was being born. I turned my back against the world, and its mumbled noises and troubles in the distance. There was a gentle breeze, and I listened as if it was trying to say something in my ears. Seagulls shrieked as they played catch on the surface of the sea.

Suddenly there was a flash of light my way. At first I thought it was the lighthouse in the distance, but it became brighter and brighter, and seem to be moving closer and closer I turned to see a white jeep head my way. Disturbed by the sudden intrusion into my temporary world of peace and fantasy, I shifted my feet a little. I stared out to sea again, hoping it would all go away.

The car pulled up next to me and stopped. The engine roared and shuddered the ground I stood on. I turned my back on it, still hoping it would all go away. Then the person honked, and made me turn.

"Alles goed?" Only then did I realise it was the police.

"... Yeah," I said.

As if he didn't seem convinced, he asked again, "Everything alright?"

"Yeah, fine. I don't have any tendencies..." If that's what you mean. Life's too beautiful... the world's too beautiful to do anything rash. "Just watching the sea..."

He nodded, but didn't leave immediately. I turned to the sea again, to the open sea that didn't judge me, that didn't intimidate me or intrude into what I was doing and why I was doing it.
But I could still feel the policeman watching, watching and watching.

I heard the jeep slowly pull away, as the unwanted spotlight on me slowly faded. And as if nothing had happened, there was just a boy, a darkening sky, and the broad, broad sea.

Summer's eve

Maybe it's strange.
Maybe I'm strange.

Had a whole evening of barbeque at a friend's place. There were lots of my classmates there, some of whom I've not seen for almost two months. I guess it was nice to get together, have a good laugh, drink some wine and gulp down chocolates together. But then I don't usually function too well in big groups, so sometimes I was just sitting there and smiling.

It's not that the time together was 'bad'... just I sometimes get lost in big groups, and I don't really know which conversation I should be following. I still had a few laughs, at some jokes and stunts that the more extroverted people pulled.

So I got back to the city I live after an hour of train ride. It was almost one, and I jumped on my bike ready to go home. But as soon as I got on the bike I felt like I could go places.... felt like I needed to go places.

Tonight's one of those calm, still summer eve's. The air is so still you could get sweaty just standing there. And how clear the sky is, with so many stars.

"The beach... that's where I'd go", I thought to myself. And with the fading effects of the white wine I cycled towards the beach. I felt hot, and energetic, like a rush was running through my veins, as I sped towards the sea.

And the waves were so calm tonight... sliding onto the shore as if they were almost shy. The sky was so dark, and there were so many stars. I wandered around a bit all by myself, enjoying the silence and loneliness, thinking to myself how different it was from just a few hours ago. All that conversation, all those people, all the socialising makes you tired sometimes.

I wandered a bit longer, with just the starry sky, empty beach and the shy waves.

"You dating now ladies now?"

Was working at my little office today, and I took a little nap on the floor at around 6ish... At first I thought the alarm I had set went off, but it was the ringtone to my phone when someone calls. I sleepily answered, and it was a cheerful voice, one I hadn't heard for a number of years.

Turns out a friend from high school is in town, and called to ask when to meet. Last week there was a little reunion with some other people, but I couldn't go, and I simply left a message on his Facebook profile saying that I was going out with some girls.

Not sure if it was a joke, but on the phone today one of the first things he said was:
"So you started to go out with girls now?"

It was the funniest sentence I heard in a while. I laughed out loud, inside thinking I've never gone out with a girl before, and even if I have, it's not that kind of 'going out'. "No, no... just girlfriends. I have some girlfriends!"

"Lucky", he said, a little jealous .

Yes, how lucky I am... to have so many girlfriends and have such a great time together with them, to talk and share, to take walks on the beach, to chat on the phone with. If only they were a boy...

Reading and writing

Reading and writing... reading and writing... seems to be all I'm doing nowadays...

In a way I'm glad I'm getting into the rhythm of working on my thesis, especially after almost one whole month of not working on it. But then I'm starting to feel the pressure too, since the deadline is really approaching fast if I want to graduate in August. It's getting to the point I'm even dreaming of thesis when I sleep... can't remember about what exactly, but I'm pretty sure it's on my mind when I lie in bed.

To be honest, I'm not even sure if I'm going in the right direction at all, and not even sure if I'll be able to produce something coherent and original, but I'm just reading and writing... reading and writing...

Somebody give me some encouragement...!

Day out

We stood, braving the waves. Water swashed around us, and we were knee deep. I shivered, but it was too precious a moment to leave. The wind howled. We stood there, watching the roaring waves lounge toward us, in awe and admiration of what the forces of nature could do, and felt the white foamy water sizzle around our feet. The sun had set, but the last light of dusk dimmed in a reddish glow behind clouds.

The day had gone by so quickly, but I felt so alive and energetic from the deep talks we had, together. Heart to heart, eye to eye, hearing one another out, and just listening, relating, empathising. Sharing our pasts, talking about deep, deep feelings, bonding over a lovely dinner and with our mutual fears and dreams. It was as if layer by layer the skin and masks we wear to be able to live in this world were slowly shed. And it was comfortable to be just who we are, to be just honest, to be just human.

Wind blew in our faces, and made our hair wild. An empty beach, just the two of us it seemed, standing there dangerously where the sand merges into the sea, as we felt the ground beneath sink and suck from under our feet, the same feet that stood on this wide, wide world that lay before us. The seagulls teased the air, as dark clouds gathered in the distance far, far away.

We have both come a long way, and found this precious refuge in ourselves, and in each other. The waves roared and splashed, as the wind blow harder and colder. At times I was somewhat afraid, scared by the waves that ripped across the troubled surface of the sea and that were crashing onto shore. I guess I was concerned about the fact that my jeans were soaked and how difficult it would to get the sand out once we get home.

"Sometimes you have to live on the edge a little."

And my friend was right. Seeing her silhouette against the dimming horizon I admired her silently, and the way she stood her ground, and let the elements wash and blow over her, the way as if she was tempting life and nature and not afraid to loose. A flash of giddiness and enthusiasm took over her, different from the sort of calm that open and raw nature invokes from deep within me. Even so, we stood there, perhaps both treasuring the moment, and thinking how special it was to be sharing it together with each other.

The stars appeared, winking at the world and flirting with the the gulls that flew so low. The world seemed so much smaller, so much warmer. It's wonderful to talk, to share, to bond... to have a real friend.

Meeting

There he was, standing there, waiting for me. He smiled shyly, and I did the same. Neither of us knew what to say, but the innocent smiles on our faces said more than was necessary. He looked into my eyes, and I looked into his. There was an unspoken connection, as if we had met before, but we looked at each other, as if trying to search on one another's faces where and when we had met before.

"Funny. It's like I know you from somewhere..." I held out my hand.

"Hm, but we never met before." He slowly raised his to meet mine.

"Maybe we have... in another life. And now we're meeting again." Our eyes met and never parted.

"Maybe." The touch of our hands sent indescribable feelings throughout my body. The touch of life, the touch of intimacy, the touch of having found something you've been looking for throughout your life, and have finally found again. I could feel his hand tremble slight in mine. Or was it my hand that was trembling?

He sighed, and closed his eyes the way you would when this feeling of utter bliss flows throughout your body. "I'm glad to finally meet you."

"And I..."

The birds were singing. Sun shone through the curtains. I opened my eyes.

It was a dream.

Gay visit

I bid farewell to the 'couple', wishing them all the best and safe journeys. It's funny how you can grow attach to people within just three days. A part of me was sad to see them go, disappointed and unwilling. It's been a short three days, but at the same time long and memorable.

It's really been a while since I've seen 'him', a gay friend I got to know through someone else, and one of the few gays I know. When I was wandering around Asia last year, he was so generous to let me stay at his place for a long time. We've been traveling together before, and it's always such a wild and fun time together, so when he said he's coming to Europe for a visit, I of course was more than happy to make sure he stopped by.


And this time he didn't come alone. 'She' is a colleague of his, and is the first lesbian I've ever met in my whole life. Butch, short-hair, tom-boy with attitude was what I was expecting. Stereotypes, of course. Instead she was extremely friendly and warm person with whom I soon hit it off.

We cycled, we laughed, joked, as we toured the cities and countryside and cruised the beach. There's plenty to see and do, and we made full use of the time together, rushing from place to place, clicking with our cameras at the strange and unique moments and sights. This was the first time I took people around who were gay, and I could so freely take them wander the streets and alleys of gay areas of A(mster)dam. Normally, I'd be so frightened to go into a gay bar by myself, but with them I felt more at ease. And we sat on the terrace during happy hour and watched people go by. And a visit to A'dam could not be complete without visiting the rich cultural educational heritage that the city's many sex shops had to offer. So we ventured into countless shops, next to window-girls in the famous Red Light District, and amazed ourselves with the bizarre and outrageous things that were for sale... Dildo's, whips, different types of fetishes, different ways of sex, from orgy to donkey, bi to pie, from piss to vomit... You name it, it was there. There were even cabins for rent, for those in need of instant... relief.

Exhausted, bedazzled and shivering from the cold and rain, we'd drag ourselves home. But the night never ended so early. We enjoyed a ritual of watching porn passionate adult entertainment on TV. Adult entertainment here is not for the faint-hearted. It's hardcore, fully exposed and 'anything-goes' and no taboos. We giggled ourselves silly lounging in the livingroom in the early hours of the morning, remote control at the ready, watching the people in action, while constantly adjusting the volume, afraid that the high-pitched groaning and moaning would wake up people sleeping upstairs and excite the cat. Satisfied, we'd retire to bed and sleep, while it clapped with thunder and echoed with rain.



Of course, amid all the madness and fun, there were precious little moments for heart-to-heart talks. About life, about work, about future... and about love. Being older, and wiser, they had much I could learn from, much I could cherish, much that could calm my restless mind. He and she has been/is in relationships. I could not but tell them how much I envied them, and how much I miss what they have. But they reassured me, told me what I often try to tell myself...

... love will come, love will come. No need to seek it, it will come for those willing and able to wait. It's a miraculous thing, and even more so how the universe works. No need to crave for things, just think of it, and forget that longing. Somehow, with positive thoughts and a positive mind, what you want will come to one, one way or another. Just do your best, live life to the fullest, and give. And you will be given.

I hugged and kissed the 'couple' goodbye at the airport terminal, and watched them slowly move on and away. We'll see one another someday, that's for sure. Until then, I can treasure the precious memories of our times together. Until then, I have the wise words they shared to take me forward.

Concert by the Sea

The sun set. It drizzled. I felt the raindrops on my cheeks, and the powerful voices of the four singers of Il Divo touch the depth of my heart. I shivered.

Oh, my love my darling
I've hungered for your touch a long lonely time
and time goes by so slowly
and time can do so much
are you still mine?
I need your love
I need your love (Unchained Melody)

I sat on the sand, and ran my hands through the soft grains. The clouds stretched like a soft blanket over the dusk sky, golden and pink at the brims, fluffy and warm at the centre. Old songs, love songs, songs you could hum the melody to, because they're classics. Accompanied by a live orchestra of wind and strings, and a faint, faint rainbow arching over the stage. Uplifting. Beautiful.

I cant live
If living is without you
I cant live
I cant give anymore
I cant live
If living is without you
I cant give
I cant give anymore
(Hero)

Serene... heart-warming... The four good-looking members of the group sang so beautifully with such passion, such love in operatic harmony. No wonder within two years they managed to touch the hearts of millions of fans throughout the world, and managed to revive the soulfulness of opera among young people. Romantic, pure and innocent, even more so because the songs were crooned in Spanish, and this one in French.

J'irai chercher ton c'ur si tu l'emportes ailleurs
Même si dans tes danses d'autres dansent tes heures
J'irai chercher ton âme dans les froids dans les flammes
Je te jetterai des sorts pour que tu m'aimes encore
(Pour que tu m'aimes encore)

I looked around... there must have been hundreds of people. But inside, where the lyrics and music echoed, it felt like I was alone. And they sang this moving dedication, to all the mothers of the world. Sitting there, on the beach, with the long shadow of myself cast on the sand by the golden sunset, I thought of my own:

Mama thank you for who I am
Thank you for all the things I'm not
Forgive me for the words unsaid
And for the times
I forgot
Mama remember all my life
You showed me love,you sacrificed
Think of those young and early days
How I've changed
(Mama)

Many couples sat around me. I tried not to look at them... not to notice the way their fingers played with one another, not to see the little butterfly kisses, not to take note of the way they kept one another warm in the cold, cold evening breeze with each other's arms around their bodies... Two guys walked by. I tried not to look. They walked into the sunset, stood close to one another. And kissed.

All by myself
Don`t wanna be
All by myself
Anymore

Hard to be sure
Sometimes I feel so insecure
And loves so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
(All by my self)

But no, no despair, no sadness. Because, because...

There’s a place for us, somewhere a place for us,
time together with time to share,
time to look time to share,
somehow somewhere,
we’ll find a new way of living,
we’ll find a way of forgiving somewhere
Hold my hand and I’ll take you there
somehow, someday, somewhere
(Somewhere)

How are things?

The weather suddenly brightened today, and it seems like summer is finally returning, after the weeks of rain and coldness. I wish the same could be said about my mood at the moment.

Already the first day of July, and I've got one month exactly to finish off my masters thesis if I want to graduate at the end of summer. Or, put simply, one month to start!

Another week went by, and still I'm making so little progress. I read, and read, and read, and have so many pages of notes and ideas, but the problem is starting to write. To write, I need a structure, and I need a clear research question. What is it that I want to prove? Why am I writing this thesis? Why is this thesis important to the field of study? What issue am I addressing here?

I'm not sure.

All I know is I want to write about the concept of 'international community', but I'm not sure what exactly I want to write about. There are so many issues, like who or what is the international community... what are the values of the international community... when can we see the international community in action? Sure I can just ramble on about my own personal opinions of how this so-called 'international community' is nothing more than a few powerful states masquerading as the brain, heart and limbs of the world, but I need to write something that's 'l-e-g-a-l', something that's based on research and something that can be supported by the opinion of leading scholars and practitioners. And that's the hard part...

And that's just one part of what is on my mind at the moment... if I'm to graduate soon, I also need to think about my future and applying to jobs! At the moment I'm just putting all my eggs into one basket, and hoping that I'll get this dream position starting October. I got into the first round, and now there's a one-in-three chance of being selected. And July is the month I'll know if I have an opportunity or not... if I have a position, I'm supposed to hear from them before mid-July... if not, I'll not hear anything at all.

And it's killing me having to wait, wait, wait since May. If I get it, most likely for the foreseeable future I'm more or less on track. If not, I'll be as lost as ever, and have to start wondering what I want to do again, which is something I really have a difficult time deciding.

I'll be so glad when this month is over... and it's just started.

Happy birthday, dad...

I spoke briefly to my dad today. Totally unexpected. He picked up the phone when I called, which he never does. So I was a little surprised.

"Haven't spoken to you in a while..." I said.

"Yes..."

"So how have you been? Well?"

"Everything is well. Don't worry. Everything is well," dad said, as he always says. Everything is always well. Even if it isn't. "What are you doing now?"

"Just busy writing my thesis..." I said, holding back telling him how frustrated I feel at the moment at the little progress I'm making. "And I work too. I work part time, and I'm busy writing my thesis. It's quite busy, but things are well."

There was a few moments of silence, and dad turned to call my mum.

"What about you? How are you doing?" I asked. I wrestled with my own thoughts, wanting to say something, but not sure if he'll respond to it well.

"Everything is well, don't worry. You take care of your health," dad said, and then called my mum again.

"I'm just working on my thesis, and working, so there's really not much going on," I said, "What about with you?" Again, I wanted to say it, but didn't dare to, because it's too personal... and he doesn't like me to remind him.

"Nothing much..." Dad turned to call my mum again. And then he disappeared as my mum picked up the phone.

An awkward conversation.

He didn't know what to say, and I didn't know what to say. It's been four months since we last talked, and I guess both of us were caught off guard to speak to each other after such a long time. So the easiest conversation is to say nothing, and I guess he could avoid talking by giving the phone over to mum.

It's my dad's birthday today. I always remember, because it's easy to remember. And this year is the big 60, which makes it even more special. For the past few weeks I've been wondering to myself whether I should write him a card, or send him a gift, or speak to him and wish him happy birthday... but I did none of that. Partly because he doesn't like me to wish him happy birthday, he doesn't like me to write to him...

And now I regret it. One day in a lifetime this day comes, but I can't work up the courage to wish him happy birthday... However he reacts to my goodwill is his business, so why should I be so afraid to say it? It's such a simple sentence, such a joyous event, but instead it's complicated and has been troubling me for weeks...

So I guess this is the reason I'm writing this, and the reason why "Papa, can you hear me?" is the 'Song of the moment'...

Papa, are you near me?
Papa, can you hear me?
Papa, can you help me not be frightened?

Have a happy birthday, dad... May you be truly well, happy, healthy and live life to the fullest...

Papa, how I love you.
Papa, how I need you.
Papa, how I miss you
Kissing me goodnight.

May you be peaceful and have inner calm, may you be compassionate and loving, and may you be free from all kinds of suffering.

UN jeep

(picture from http://www.pbs.org/frontlineworld/blog/blogimages/un-jeep.jpg)

They're remarkably easily recognisable... an open-top jeep painted pure white, with a bold black 'U' and an 'N' imprinted on its doors. And inside, brave soldiers peace-keepers with funny blue up-side down nests on their heads. You've seen them in buzzing busily to and fro in conflict zones, refugee camps and wherever or whenever the UN has gotten its act togther to act...

So I thought I was imagining things as I was strolling down my street this evening. At first I heard the rumbling of loud engines, and there it was... an UN jeep cruising lazily down my street. A vision in white, with two bright blue dots inside the vehicle, catching the eye. The soldiers

Surreal... bizzare... a precious photo moment, if only I had my camera with me at the time. Right here, in the middle of a peaceful neighbourhood where the only on-going conflict is between warring factions of cats, and where the only current humanitarian crisis seems to be water puddles here and there from the flood of rain, an UN jeep.

In my mind I could only think, if those blue-helmets were heading for Darfur, they still have a long, long way to go.

Horoscope today

Pisces: Step away from a problem that's been plaguing you lately. You just need some space, and some time. When you return to it, the solution will be there.

...not sure if this prophesy will come true, but I really feel lost and unmotivated to do anything at the moment... not work on thesis, not apply for jobs, nothing at all! : (

It's like I'm scared of working, and scared to do anything serious. And all I want is to sleep or walk around doing nothing at all!

...maybe if I step away, I'll be able to get closer soon.

At least I hope so.

"Everything will be alright..."

It continues to rain, while a storm blows across much of northern Europe, and flooding take away a number of lives. In the south, temperatures are reaching the forties, with some dying as a result. Such extremes!

Middle of another week, in a period of time when weeks seem to pass as quickly as days. Still feeling restless, depressed, and unmotivated to work, even though everyday I tell myself it’s a new day, and promise myself I to get some work done. At the same time, I’ve been having more and more bad dreams, mostly about family and my dad, who I haven’t spoken to for more than four months. Mostly the dreams involve a lot of shouting, and unpleasant arguments. I’d wake up miserable and feeling lost, and wanting to sleep some more, even though I had already slept more than my fair share.

I’d go to the beach a lot, alone. Or the forest. And just walk around, as if by walking around I’m not ‘staying still’ and shake all those feelings and thoughts out of me. Even if it’s in the rain I don’t mind at all. The other day I walked around for two hours while it poured and thundered loudly The forest floor was all muddy. I got my clothes completely wet and dirty, but it didn’t seem to matter at all.

Yesterday I had a long talk with mum on the phone. Deep heart to heart talk, about my fears, my anxieties and my mood at the moment. I told her how lost and at the same time how desperate and lacking any sort of enthusiasm I feel, being here at the end of my studies, and so very unsure what I want to do with my life…

She listened and encouraged me not to give up and not to despair, and reminded me that all this depression and being down, like all feeling good or bad, will all go away. She reminded me that I’ve never let her worry, and that I’ve always managed to pull through and excel to the best of my abilities, even though the process is hard and trying… Exactly the words and sentiments I needed. I smiled a bit, and as I hung up the phone, I silently thanked her… for being ‘there’, for being my mum.

If only there was someone close to tell me those words, and to hear my thoughts, and to give me a long hug and look me in the eye and say that “Everything will be alright…everything will be alright… ”

Parkpop- Kim Wilde!

It was drizzling, and the sky was drearily gray. I wrapped myself in a warm sweater and jacket, and even wondered whether I should take my scarf with me. It's June.

Was already wet from cycling all the way across town to Zuiderpark, where Parkpop ( supposedly the biggest free pop-music concert in Europe) took place. I could already hear the booming music as I parked my bike, and it got louder as I got closer to the muddy field where it all took place. It had been raining the whole day, and the terrain was almost deserted, it seemed. Just here and there, people sheltering under trees, wearing make-shift garbage bags as rain coats, and wielding all sorts of colourful umbrellas in the air.

The stage was deserted, and I disappointed. I was there, alone, having once again been abandoned by certain people who said they would come... Was it all finished? I kicked the empty plastic cups that lay everywhere in the over-trampled and muddy grass...

And suddenly, the stage lit up, and behind a wall of fake fog came the band and the star I had braved the cold and rain to see. There she was, with her recognisable crazy blonde curls, dressed in black. A slight, half-hearted applause from the sleepy crowd below, as the rain continued to fall.

Kim Wilde had a series of hits in the eighties, and recently, like many artists who seemed to have disappeared, made a come-back. Watching her sing and jump up and down, it's hard to believe she's already 47 years old! Still bursting with energy, her voice moved as well as excited the crowd in no time, as she sang her old hits in between the more recent hits that you still occassionally hear on the radio. The crowd jumped up and down, and at times clapped along. What really attracts me is that many of the songs and music are written by herself, and have lyrics that have meaning-- which is quite rare nowdays.

But in almost no time at all, the field started to fill with people from nowhere, as the night passed with songs like “Kids in America”, “Together we belong”, “Cambodia”, “Perfect girl”, “You keep me hanging on”, “Never trust a stranger”, “View from a bridge”, “You came” (the video clip of which is apparently censored in certain countries because it’s too ‘provocative’...), as well as the remake hit originally by German female popstar Nena “Anyplace, anywhere, anytime”:

Im Sturz durch Raum und Zeit, richtung Unentlichkeit
Fliegen Motten in das Licht, genau wie du und ich'
Wrap your fingers 'round my neck.
You don't speak my dialect,
But our images reflect.
Drawn together by the flame,
We are just the same:
Embrace the wind and fall into another time & space.

Gib mir die Hand - ich bau dir ein Schloss aus Sand
Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann'
If we belong to each other,
We belong anyplace, anywhere, anytime.

Im Sturtz durch Zeit und Raum, er wacht aus einem Traum'
Nur ein kurzer Augenblick, dann kehrt die Nacht zurueck.
Bits and pieces from your storm
Rain upon me as they fall;
Melt into my skin and I feel warm.
Sweep upon me like a wave.
We are young and brave:
Embrace the wind and float into another time & space.

Gib mir die Hand - ich bau dir ein Schloss aus Sand
Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann'
If we belong to each other,
We belong anyplace, anywhere, anytime.

Drawn together by the flame,
We are just the same:
Embrace the wind and fall into another time & space.

If we belong to each other,
We belong anyplace, anywhere, anytime.
I'm going to any world you're coming from.
Anyplace, anywhere, anytime.
Gib mir die Hand - ich bau dir ein Schloss aus Sand
Irgendwie, irgendwo, irgendwann'
I'm going to any world you're coming from.
Anyplace, anywhere, anytime

And she did a great rendition of Depeche Mode’s great classic “Enjoy the silence”:

“Words like violence
Break the silence
Come crashing in
Into my little world
Painful to me
Pierce right through me
Cant you understand
Oh my little girl

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

All I ever wanted
All I ever needed
Is here in my arms
Words are very unnecessary
They can only do harm”

Beautiful!

Shock...

My skin crawled and my heart sunk when I heard the news. This should happen to no one! No one! I thought to myself.

"... she was taking the train when it happened. On the train between Schiphol (airport) and Amsterdam. She was in a carriage with no one else, but this one other guy..."

Shudder... disgust...

"...the guy was sitting opposite her. She was just reading a book or something, and she looked up, and saw the guy jerking off. She stood up to walk away, and he followed her..."

Shock... horror...

"... he pinned her into a corner, and forced her into the toilet. And raped her."

I looked away, imagining what horrible torture the girl must have underwent, and what a horrible person that guy is to do such a horrible thing to another human being. I don't know this girl, but I felt for her, and tried to imagine what pain and traumas she had to endure... My friend who told me this was almost shaking after recounting the story.

We were silent for a few moments after that, unsure how to change the subject, unsure whether to change the subject that had changed the atmosphere of a friendly get-together so dramatically.

Rape... such a strong word, such a dirty word. It's not so much the act itself, but the significance of what it does to another human being, and the meaning behind it that makes it so traumatic. It's being out of control of your body and mind, being subdued to such indescribable physical and emotional trauma, and being violated against your will by someone you don't even know... Believe me, it hurts... perhaps the worse thing that another person can do to another...

The girl is recovering now, and awaiting pregnancy and STD (sexually transmitted diseases) test results. The police are now on the case.

But countless many are not so lucky, as countless many live and hide in shame, afraid to tell, afraid that when other people know their ordeals, they will be stigmatised for life.

May they find the strength to live on, and to deal with the pain... May they find the abilitiy to heal, and be able to walk out of the shadows...

Porn

*Disclaimer: By reading I confirm that I am 18 years of age or over, or have reached the legal age of majority in the country or territory I am currently located.


Friday night, flicking through the TV for something good to watch.
Suddenly, naked people engaged in 'fast moving physical action' caught my attention. The quality of the film was poor, something probably shot in the eighties, but it's porn nonetheless.

"Porn? At 10pm? Why... they're showing it earlier and earlier nowadays!" I thought to myself. Only then did I realise it was the Comedy Channel. More surprising... can porn be funny?

And it was. I sat there laughing for the whole half an hour. Porn has a reputation for being badly dubbed (so I heard), for some of the dialogue can be so utterly corny and tasteless, and it seems like everything said or done is gearing up for the next shag.

It was a show called "Badly Dubbed Porn", which

"takes excerpts from some of the adult industry's more ropey films and redubs the dialogue to liven things up a bit".

So I was had the privilege of watching selected scenes from "The World's Biggest Asshole"... about this guy who had a problem with his arse, which for some reason seemed to get bigger and bigger. But that didn't stop him getting laid wherever he went... either to the doctors at the hospital, or to court, or to the trailer park (for some reason). The dubbing was hilariously witty, poking fun at the actors and the cheesy plot, and the whole ridiculousness of typical low-budget porn-flicks that have no story and are so poorly acted, even down to the fake screaming and organisms (...again, or so I heard). Ah, too much...


A must-see for people who stay home on Friday nights...
(Fridays at 22.25 and 00.45 on Comedy Central, in Dutch!)

Horoscope today

An acquaintance keeps popping into your life, but you haven't ventured into real friend territory yet. Take time to get to know them on a deeper level.

I wonder who this "acquaintance" is...

Afternoon nightmare

Just had one of the most terrifying nightmares ever...

I'm just lying in bed, seeing myself sleeping. I hear noises and movements in the house, and I get up to move around. I see myself move, my hands and feets, but the next moment I'm 'thrown back' into bed, and still lying there like I haven't moved at all. I hear more noises and voices in the house. I roll over and try to step out of bed, only to be 'thrown back' into bed again, back into my sleeping position.

I try to move my arms and legs, and have the feeling I have control over them one moment. But the very next moment, I'm back in that position in bed where I'm just lying there and sleeping. I try to get out of bed again, and actually see people moving around through the opening of the door. I try to say something, and try to move toward the door, but then I'm thrown back into bed again, immobilised. It's very confusing and frustrating.

I try many more times, each time moving my head, my arms and feet. But I never can make it out of my room. And very suddenly I get 'thrown back' into bed again, to be back in the same position and to be immobilised like an invalid unable to control his body. But at the same time, I can hear the radio playing in the background, hear the voice of the newsbroadcaster go on and on about the latest news and stock market prices and the weather.

I feel so trapped, not being able to control my body, and increasingly frustrated by being 'thrown back' into bed. I feel like I am losing my ability to move, and feel like I may be like this forever. I ask myself if this is what death is like... And next moment I burst into (tears in my dream)...

...only to wake up in the next moment in reality, and realise it was all a dream. A terrible dream. The radio was on, and the newsbroadcaster kept on rambling on about the Palestine, about a dad who had been shot outside his son's primary school this morning... I moved my hand and arm, and they moved the way I wanted wanted it to.

I closed my eyes a bit, trying to regain myself and my thoughts. It was as if in my dream, there were two levels of existences-- one minor existence in which I am sleeping, and another in which I can move around a little, but then quickly return back to that main sleeping existence. But at the same time, the sound of the radio and newsbroadcaster (which represented the third existence of 'real reality' entered these two existences.

I lay in bed, sighing and panting, as if I had another 'out of body' experience. It was such a relief to see my own hand in front of my eyes, and to realise I had regained consciousness again, and to realise that it was all just a dream. A terrible dream.

Outside it poured with rain.

Something weird

I went to work this morning, having had not such a good night's sleep. Woke up a abit moody, and not at all looking forward to the day. Not even after a shower.

When I got to the office, it got a bit better, and I did a few good hours of more website building, until after 1pm or so, and decided it was time for lunch and a walk. So took a break and went outside for fresh air, thinking I'd get back into the office and start to finally work on my thesis.

So I sat down, and started to read this book I had borrowed already for three weeks but never had the "chance" (read: mood) to read. After around twenty pages or so, I started feeling drowsy, and really sleepy. The sun was shining and it was boiling hot, since my office is on the top floor.

"Time for a nap" my mind thought to myself. "What?! Here at work? Impossible! Ridiculous!"

But it was tempting. My office is pretty big, and very roomy, and there's just me there during the summer period. And it's at the back of the building, on the top floor, so not many (if any!) people ever go there. "Nobody has to know..." my mind kept saying to me.

It was very quiet, as if the whole building was deserted. If anyone were to come to the office, they'd first have to come through a door, and walk up a flight of stairs. "You'd be awake before anyone makes it up the stairs!" my mind consoled me, and tempted me further into napping.

So... I set the alarm for around 15 minutes, grabbed my thin summer coat, and just plopped myself down in one corner of the room, where it was cool and a bit darker. Closed my eyes, and just napped.

At first, I was still a bit uneasy, worried that I might fall asleep too soundly and wake up to see people standing over me and watching me. But I was paranoid, and reminded myself there was noone around, and that I'd hear people if they were really to come up the stairs. So I closed mys eyes, and just napped.

The alarm rang... but I pressed the snooze button, not once, but three times. When I finally decided to wake up, it was already 3pm. Feeling refreshed and somewhat 'proud' that I managed to pull this funny trick at work, I went back to working on my thesis. But then it was soon time to go home.

Another productive day... Well, at least that's the one crazy thing I promised myself I must do everyday.

Work, work, work!

I really should be working, but I feel restless and wanting to go out all the time.

I remember telling myself on the train journey back home that I'd had enough relaxation and fun for two weeks, and that it was time to get back to work. I did get back to work, but 'work work', which I officially started last week, and not any school work! So one day came, and went, and another, came and went, and another. Already one week after I returned, and I've not done anything at all on my thesis. The last save date of my writings on my computer was exactly one month ago!

Feeling somehow very little motivation to work on the thesis, even though I know I must get a move on. Instead, I've just been distracting myself and telling myself there's always tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow. Frustrating.

I go to the office every single day, and I'd rather be doing my office work than my school work... So I've been busy doing the kind of things that interns do, and most of all building this great new website for my office. It's pretty exciting stuff, and I could just spend hours fidgeting this and that to perfect the site, or do other errands that they ask me to do. I guess my colleagues are impressed with me, and the way I work so efficiently and quickly... but oh how I wish I could put the same amount of effort into thesis writing!

And after an eight-hour day at work, you just want to unwind and not think of anything else. I thought to myself I could still get myself to read and write stuff for my thesis, but when I get home I'm just so tired, that I want to sleep.

Funny though, because when I see the sunset outside my window, all that tiredness goes away, and all I want to do is cycle to the beach and walk around for hours and hours. Hours I could have spent writing and working on my thesis! But instead, I spend them, watching the waves, admiring the clouds, and bidding farewell to the shy setting sun...

Festival Classique II

The sky was clear, at least for the time being. Light clouds floated overhead, hurrying to side with the denser and darker lump that had just passed and brought tremendous rain. The damp and dew-laden leaves glistened as the setting sun reflected off of them. There was a cool breeze in the air, that would eventually turn cold. But every wait had its reward.

I sat on the banks of the Hofvijver (pond), with my legs crossed, next to countless others who had braved the cold and rain earlier to attend this classic music concert. I had heard that under the direction of neeme Jaervi, the Residentie Orkest (Hague Symphony) had with a number of years become world-class, so this was not to be missed. The Buitenhof (parliament) buildings lay behind the stage, adorned by the echoes of the music in the air, or decorated with the tranquil reflection in the water surrounding it, taking on a completely different coat of class and wisdom in age. From time to time, I would temporarily close my eyes to collect myself… while at the same time, recollect the whole stunning atmosphere and combination of nature and man’s quest and conquest of beauty in music. Seagulls dipped in the pond like dragonflies, and circled the air in delicate motion.

Borodin’s famous piece from “Prince Igor” started off the evening. Captured the audience in sudden swings in between the tense marching of soldiers, and the elegant dances of the Polovetsian tribe. Ducks swam around the lake in sync, their movements and ripples seemed to match the music, as they danced to beautify the orchestra’s performance. Mussorgsky’s dashing piece of “Night on Bald Mountain”, which starts off frantically, echoing the danger and darkness of the looming night, but brightens towards the end with the sound of church bells and light clarinets signaling the rise of day. A lonely swan, snow-white, graceful and so majestic with its down outstanding in the dusk light, cruised the water with its neck held up high in elegance. The leaves moved to the music too, swaying in the wind ever so gently, as if afraid to move, but move it must because of the emotions that the music evoked.

Ravel’s crescending “Bolero” took the audience further into the evening. As the evening sky darkened, the music simultaneously got louder and louder. The same notes, soft flowing clarinets, hushed trumpets, flickering guitars and the stable undertone of drum beats, criss-crossed and met, circled and replayed themselves again and again. The crowd moved from side to side, to the music which got louder and louder, seemingly mesmerised like the way a snake would be under the skillful playing of an Indian guru. As the piece reached its climax with the clashing of symbols under the last stroke of the maestro’s elegant and agile directions, the crowd roared into applause, elated. People stood up and applauded continuously, wanting more. Brahm’s “Hungarian Dance No. 5” served as the crowd pleasing encore.



The ducks had disappeared, and the seagulls long gone home. But the music and memories linger, on and on.

Photos of my trip and more!

Guess I've been wanting to put up the pictures sometime, but never got the chance. And I doubt I can recall all the beauty and memories of my time away in "a thousand words", so the best is to paint picture.

So if you're interested to see what I've been up to, visiting and seeing for the last two weeks, please to go my travelog! : )

Festival Classique

The sky blushed, orange and red, shy perhaps from the way silky white clouds caressed its face gently. Music, pianos, harp and chello seranading in the air, in perfect harmony, while the voice of the choir sang in celebrated low and high tones to perform Rossini's 'Petite Messe Solonelle'. The wavy image of the ancient parliament buildings wavered in the water.


There's something magically romantic about an open-air classical music concert, especially when set against old buildings which slowly donned on their night orangy glow and accentuated shadows as the flood-lights came. In the distance, the Hofvijver fountain sprayed, silently spewing white water into the air, only to fall and echo the way the music silently and dramaticall rose and fell. It made me sigh inside.

Next to the Hofvijver I stood, mesmerised by the combination of the beauty of the sky, music and water flowing and flying around me. A crowd had gathered around me,standing still to admire the music and the beautiful setting. It was part of the Festival Classique series of concerts that started off today, and actually it was a paying performance. Those who did pay got seats in front of a floating stage where the Residentie Kamerkoor (Hague Chamberchoir) performed their art. The rest, free-riders like me, stood around the stage, but could still pretty much see and enjoy the whole performance. Which makes you wonder why pay. A mother duck and her duckling swam around, their movements sending out ripples across the water surface, seemingly matching the ripples that musical notes made in the evening air. Perhaps mother and duckling were the only ones that weren't really enjoying the evening, for they were trapped by the stage.



But that did not stop the moving music. Or the ever-changing display of lights and palette across the dusk sky.

At the post office

"What are you getting your dad for Father's Day?"

I typed in my bank-code to pay, and was not expecting the question at all. I thought it was a sales strategy, an attempt to get me to buy more things. I knew the Dutch TNT was cutting down on staff to save costs... but didn't realise they had become so desparate that they were promoting all sorts of gifts and goodies whenever you go to the post office to mail something. I hesistated and thought a little.

"A book. He likes to read." A little lie. I didn't know what I wanted to get for him... not yet.

"Hm, that's nice", the lady said, looking into the distance, looking puzzled, "I don't know what I'm going to get my dad." She turned to me, looking for contact.

"What does he like then?"

She thought a little. "Rabbits. He likes rabbits."

"Does he already have rabbits?" I went on, still a little curious where the conversation was going.

"Like around 30!" she answered, smiling. "Maybe some rabbit food. Carrots... or maybe hay?"
The receipt was printing slowly, and making a hushed rustling sound.

I was surprised by the number of rabbits he already had, and thought to myself maybe another rabbit wouldn't hurt. But instead I said, lightheartedly, remembering pictures of the little mascot I had just seen at the local supermarket: "What about a hamster?"

She laughed, and handed me the receipt. "Hm, that's a good idea. A hamster..." She looked on, puzzled, and and lost in thought.

"Bye-bye. Have a nice weekend." I turned to go, but then a part of me inside made me turn back to her again, "And good luck finding a gift!"

Rain, rain, rain

Sitting at my office, watching the raindrops splash and splattered on the roof window. There's a loud sounding echo, as drops as large as a golf ball continue to pound down. The radio that was playing in the background drowned in the noise.

After having had two weeks of almost constant sunshine, I'm back home, in the rainy Lowlands. Almost immediately after stepping off the train, I was caught off guard by the cold wind. The skies looked gloomy and clouds were lying low, and indeed the morning greeted me with the slight sizzle of drizzling rain. My plans to cycle to work were dampened by the sight of a drenched cyclist who looked so very miserable as he cycled passed my front door.

I guess I'm in that 'post-holiday mood', in which you're trying to pick up the bits and pieces of 'normal' life after having blocked it all out for a while. And already on the first day back being faced with complicated issues of office politics. None of it has to do with me, but it does to some extent affect my new position as a student assistant during the summer somewhat. It make you wonder why things have to be so complicated.

During lunchbreak today, I quickly popped into the baby toy store to buy something I plan to send as a sort of 'thank you gift' for letting me stay so long. I guess a piece of my mind is still stuck in Strasbourg, and it will be hard to bring it back...