Departure from TPE

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I could not help from crying as the plane budged and slowly taxied backwards. The beginning of a journey on my own. Images of mum flashed before my eyes. I felt the loss and pain again. Such terrrible loss and pain...

The beginning of a journey on my own. The journey of life...

Dream: ghosts

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They were all over the place, and I was so terrified. I was inside a building with many floors, and on each floor was someone I knew, sleeping. Nobody could see them, but I could. See the ghosts and feel their eery presence. I was seized with such fear, so terrible fear, even though I repeated a few Buddhist mantras to calm my mind and rid my mind of fear and anxiety..... I can feel the fear even now.

Mum appeared out of nowhere. She said nothing. But I know she appeared to tell me not to be afraid...

Three more nights

28082012.0122

Lying down to sleep, the first of three last nights here in mum's home. It's quiet outside, but a few hundred kilometers to the south, Tembin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Typhoon_Tembin_(2012)
Is unleashing chaos and destruction for the second time as it returns to pummel the island hard. I am hugging a large teddy, one my Ex gave me some time ago. The teddy has been with mum for over two years, and accompanied her all the way till the end of her life. Soon, the soft and lovable bear in my embrace, who kept me company and kept the loneliness at bay for so many nights and comforted me to sleep, will make his way out of my life again, and accompany my nephew back to Europe.

It is unusually quiet, and my mind is a haze. A haze. Another crippling spell of fatigue has overcome me, and I feel such heavy dizziness and a strange mixture of emotions I cannot express, I cannot capture...

Can hurt be so painful that you become numb? Can pain be so powerful that you do not feel anything at all? I am out of words, am too tired and too exhausted to properly reflect on all that has happened here over the past few weeks, let alone to write something worth of being written and read or remotely touching to mark the end of a long, long stay...

I will fall asleep, wake up, and a new day will have already begun. Far too quickly, far too quickly.

Lover

"Do not worry about others not loving you, think only of how to love others.
Love in all the ways you can, as if you have never been hurt before.
When you truly love, there are no calculations or expectations, and it is not possible to be hurt.

Darling, be someone with the ability to love, when you give a lot, you will get a lot more.

Love is miraculous, when you are loving, you will also be loved."

"a person can love many people, but when you lose the one and only true love, you will realise all else is meaningless."

Will II

27082012.1612

Mum told me a few years ago that she adopted two children through a charity. One lives in Taiwan, and is a boy, the other is a girl teenager who lives in Mozambique. Because of mum, two children have a better life and better education. Because of mum, two lives will be forever changed.

She never saw or met the two children, and only receive news from them occasionally when they send her greeting cards and pictures of themselves. Mum said to me then that because brother and I have grown up, she does not need to provide for us so much any more, so she has means to provide for others. And, she always did want to have a daughter (and how disappointed she was that I am not a girl!) Mum reminded me many times that when I have the means, I should be kind and think of those who are less fortunate. "I will," I said to her.



Well, I am going to start right now.

In mum's will, she wrote that she wishes to leave some money for the two children. I called up the charity and made the arrangements. And I decided to do something else too. I decided to take over the "fostering" (albeit only financially...) from mum and continue supporting these two children monthly. It's the least I can do to continue mum's kindness and compassion, and the donor's name will remain unchanged. I did not even tell my brother about this, because he was somewhat opposed to the idea of donating to charity.

This is for you, mum, because you taught me how to be kind and how to be generous, how to be caring and how to have compassion. You taught me and showed me that even with just a little, that 'little' can change the world... even if only by a little.

 And these attributes will not be forgotten even though mum is no longer around.

Escape

I want to get out of here... Away from this place, away from grumblings and misunderstandings.
I want to somewhere where I feel love, where I am loved, and where I can love without hesitation, without the fear of being turned away...

I just want to be on my own, and shut the whole world away while I sleep and recover and find myself again...

Storm

An ever growing storm is brewing.

My due departure date is becoming uncertain.

Fortune

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"In coming days, you will cause and lead an upheaval. Self-confidence will allow your performance to be even more eye catching."

Terrible sadness

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There are going to be moments when I lie down to sleep and suddenly, in the midst of the silence of the might, in the absence of voices save for the voice inside my head, the terrible, terrible sadness hits me hard. "All alone... You are all alone now in the world... Nobody can hear you, nobody can hear your pain..."

Tonight is one of those nights. One of perhaps many, many nights to come...

Will

I got out mum's will again today, and am going to realise a couple of things mum wanted me to do for her after she passed away. There are a couple of charities she would like to leave some of her assets to, and I'm going to "top-it up" a bit. They say doing good after someone passes away will allow them to have a smoother passage in the hereafter. That may be so, but one thing is for sure: many children and old people will benefit from a little donation made in mum's honor.

Even though mum is gone, her kindness and compassion for those in need lives on...

Feud

I exploded on my brother. The frustration and anger has been building up for some time, for weeks, and exacerbated over the past few days. Tensions originating from different temperaments and different approaches to things. Who is to say who is wrong or right? Nobody can say that. But what I dislike and what irritates me most of all is the way my brother commands and bosses people around the house. And I made that very clear to him.

We argued back and forth for ten minutes or so. The baby suddenly began crying, and did not stop for quite some time. He even got out of bed by himself and opened the bedroom door, crying, to see what was going on.  Later, when the mood calmed down, I joked that my nephew was upset by his dad and his uncle arguing.

I told my brother very frankly how I don't appreciate his attitude and his way of bossing people around from the very first thing in the morning. He accused me of not doing anything, of just sitting around and (figuratively) folding my arms and letting him deal with all these things that need to be taken care of. I really fail to see what still needs to be done that we have not yet done, yet my brother has the impression there are still so many unfinished business to be taken care of.

"Even mum never treated me like this when she was still alive..." I said. There, I finally said what I wanted to say. "Your behaving a lot like dad..." That made him become quiet. I hate to bring dad up, and I know it's disrespectful toward him, but really growing up a lot of tensions at home was caused by dad having a bad temper and telling mum to do this and do that. Very much like what my brother is doing now... And I hate to see a repeat of this in his family, and seeing it affect his marriage and my nephew's childhood. Because I know how unhealthy it is to grow up in a family where there is someone who's moods can change like the weather and bring everyone suddenly down...

We soon "made up". Really, there was no hatred harboured, just things I needed to get off my chest. And I think my brother heard what I said, and he too toned down a bit too. Sometimes all you need is  a bit of communication to clear any misunderstandings. And maybe I was upset, and yes I brought up mum and dad with the belief that mentioning them may have more influence on my brother, but I am glad that at least one thing is off my chest, and I sure do hope my brother can change a bit for the better.

Still raw

 210812.2312

"Thank you..." I said, and could hardly finish my sentence without choking on my words. "For all these years..." Out of nowhere the deep seated pain and tears surfaced. The pain of losing mum is still raw, still fresh, still easily felt. Mum's friend placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't say anything..."

We met up with mum's cousin and a good friend of mum for dinner. Before, we would always meet up for a meal before we are due to leave the country, and of course mum would be there. This time was the first time that mum was absent. And we will have to get used to mum's absence at the table...

At one point mum's friend and cousin came up to me to speak to me in private. "Are you OK? You are very quiet tonight..." I was. I often am when brother is around. I'll just let someone else do the talking, and my brother has a way of taking over the conversation, albeit most of the conversation is about him. So I just stay quiet and sit by the side, and quietly eat my food. I was quiet also because of circumstances. This is after all the first meal we were having with mum's friend and cousin after the funeral. And perhaps nobody said anything, but I could somehow tell on their faces that the unspoken sadness is there, and is going to linger on.

"You have to be strong and take good care of yourself. Your mum was most worried about you, and so are we..." I have heard these words many times, from friends of mum and from relatives. They say this because in truth I really am alone in the world now, whereas my brother has the comfort of his own family to lean on. That makes a big difference. It really does. When I feel sad, all I have to do is take a look at my nephew and the sadness vanishes. All I have to do is go up to my nephew and lean close to him and hold him, and the sadness vanishes. I can do this here, I can do this for a few more days. After next week, I really am all on my own...

Mum's friend and cousin reminded me again and again if there is anything to let them know. I know they mean well, and I really do appreciate their kindness and their offer of support. I have in the past often told them how much I appreciate them being there for mum, caring about her, and visiting her every so often. And now mum is gone, they are showing me the same kind of kindness and care they showed mum. It is touching, very touching, and makes me want to cry. More so because it is more warmth and care than I have ever received from my own brother, the last remaining member of my family.

Follow the flow

(Liberty Times)

"Regarding that unsettled matter, that person you have not yet let go of, that uncertain relationship, you continuously experience loss and gain.
But, darling, every kind of analysis, projection, prophesying is but the imagination inside your brain. Except letting your head become dizzy and your brain become bloated, what can you get from it?

What will happen you cannot stop, what will not happen all sort of hoping is of no use, so why should you be filled with anxiety and worry?

Just follow the flow, use a relaxed and dignified posture, an attitude that accepts everything, [and] move forward by following the flow of nature.

Just move forward, follow the flow.

Countdown

I find myself counting down the days and moments till I leave here...
Again, I am feeling pressure of living with my brother--something which I escaped from four years ago when I made the move to Canada. The poor attitude, the grumblings, the commanding tone and playing boss. I cannot stand it. I cannot tolerate it. So I react with irritation in my tone. Or I simply do not react at all.

The other day, I spoke to the priest (who can communicate with the dead), and out of nowhere he said my mum had something she wanted to tell me. "Tolerate your brother... Bear with it..." How painful it is to hear from mum from beyond the grave and to know that she is still thinking of me, worrying about me. There are moments when I feel like shouting back, hitting back at my brother and saying: "Who gave you the right to be so bossy toward me?! Even our mother never treated me this way!"
It adds to my grief, accentuates the pain and emptiness I feel deep down inside... It is sad that my own brother, the only person left in my family, treats me like crap and makes me feel so unwanted here...

Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer. If I think of things another way, I will feel better. Maybe this is my brother level of communication... maybe this is just the way he is, bossy, commanding and temperamental. In a way, it is sad that he cannot talk without getting upset and getting frustrated at everything and everyone. Maybe deep down there is a lot of anger and frustration that he cannot find a way to vent...

Tolerate it... Bear with it... Only for a few days longer.

Walking

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He began walking by himself over the past week or so. A few steps at a a time, and if the distance is a bit far between two places, he would cleverly walk toward a wall or a chair to rest a bit before walking further. And today, my nephew walked and walked and walked unaided. Today, 20 August 2012, twelve days before he turns one year old.

He is so energetic, so cute and such a darling. Looking at his smile can melt away any worries and anxieties I may have. My nephew smiles also brings smiles and laughter to my brother, who in his current spell of bad temper desperately needs to lighten up.

I put up mum's portrait on the living room wall, and the living room happens to be the place where my nephew test walks the most. So in a way, his grandma can also see him walk around happily in circles. And in a way, his grandma can smile and laugh too...

忍...

忍...
忍...
忍...

忍到有那麼一天 受不了
就離去...

Nephew

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My brother and his wife had to go out for a few hours, and it was just my nephew and I (together with my cousin) left at home. I watched my nephew as he slept on the bed. Mum's bed. Such a small little being, such a small breathing creature that is so beautiful, so fragile, so malleable.

I lay down next to him, and placed my arms around him. He woke up and opened his eyes to look at me. He smiled. My heart melted, and I felt such pain in my chest. Lying on mum's bed, next to my little nephew... Mum lived her life and her life came to a close not so long ago. But my little nephew still has a whole life ahead of him...

the combination of love and longing is an indescribably painful and also heart-warming feeling.

Hurt

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Really, who understands?
They can tell you it will take time.
They can tell you that it is normal to feel a certain way.

But who of these people underwent what I went through?
Who of these people know exactly, feel exactly as I do and can fully, fully appreciate the hurt and the depth of fear deep down?

It is too easy to talk about mourning, to say "I understand", but at the end of the day, I think to myself: "You will really understand when these things happen to you..."
And god forbid that should happen to any one...

 Sometimes it's best to say nothing. Sometimes all you need to say is nothing, and all you need to do is hold someone's hand and make them feel you will be there no matter what. Because words get in the way. Words mean so little.

Sold

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Over a month of preparation for this day.
I signed my name and stamped my seal. And the deal  was  made.

This house, one I helped moved into and one in which I have spent many a nights over the past three years, is no longer mine. From this day on, I am just a visitor here.

What was never mine will never be mine.

49 days

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Two hours or so after mum passed away, three nuns gathered to chant a prayer for mum. It is a familiar Buddhist prayer from one of the sutras recited in the original Pali language used at the time of the Lord Buddha over two thousand years ago. It is a familiar prayer with a familiar melody, for it is often used at funerals.

Today marks 49 days since mum passed away. 49 days already. Over a month already. A slow, and at times grueling, 49 days. According to local beliefs, today marks yet another important moment after death, for the spirit of the deceased is said to have moved on and possibly reincarnated into another being. Where you become reincarnated and as what depends on your karma and the merit you have made throughout your life.

A few days ago, to celebrate my sister in law's birthday, I treated her and my brother (and little nephew) to a fancy meal at a restaurant that mum and I went to back in October last year. I found pictures of mum and showed it to them, and pointed out where we were sitting back then and what we ordered. It was a wonderful evening, and in a way a commemoration of mum at a place where she once ate at. Tonight, we all went out to a restaurant, and despite the smiles and sharing a tableful of good food, I felt this empty presence... I looked to my side, at the chair and imagined mum sitting there with us, smiling, munching away and chit-chatting with us...


49 days, or seven weeks, since mum's passing, and exactly two weeks till my departure. More and more, a lot of mum's belongings are being put into boxes. More and more, this home is becoming less a home and more a place with brown boxes and heaps of things to be given or thrown away...

Mum, wherever you may be now, know that you are missed and will never be forgotten...
Go, go and be free and be happy...

Terrible emptiness

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I feels so empty inside it hurts...
This place feels so foreign it hurts...

Biking with group of friends, two people to a bike
Hilly and challenging route
I sped forward and going very quickly
Others arguing and one being a pain and slowing everyone down

At one point everyone climbed a great big tower-like structure
I got on top and tower started wobbling... It collapsed
Terrible, terrible fear...

Pain

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I never imagined it would be so painful going to see mum again. I started crying as soon as I saw her little shrine... The pictures of mum, one smiling on the train, the other of mum laughing because a cat climbed on her shoulder, made it more unbearable. The gilded maple leaf and the pink tulip are there with her, reminders of the Canada she so enjoyed visiting and the Netherlands she so loved living in.

I promised her i would be strong, and that I'd be happy and go be myself. But truly the loss of a parent cannot be easily consoled, the pain cannot be easily soothed. And the void inside cannot be so quickly filled. I promised mum I would not cry, that I would be strong and find myself again. But truly, my body and mind is so tired, so very tired, and therefore so very weak.

I wiped away my tears, knelt on the floor and bowed deeply. "Be well, mama, be happy..."

I will try and try to be the same.

Turbulent seas

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The waves are jumping in the wind, flying and tumbling and roaring as they crash their way onto the tranquil shores... Such roughness! Such turbulence!

Heading to see mum and dad on my own...

Orphans

"I feel like an orphan now..." brother said. My feelings exactly. And my brother has a family, a wife, a child. 

So imagine how I feel.
 

Visiting mum

07082012.0043

It's almost been a month since I put her to rest. I miss mum, more and more so, and more and more I feel an emptiness grow and grow inside me... An emptiness like no other that is causing me much grief and to want to withdraw.

After the failed attempt to bike around the island (and the great personal disappointment in failing to realise my dream...) and the emotional journey to mum's hometown, I feel a sudden urge to go see mum (or perhaps let her "see" me...). I want to let her know despite a lot of setback and repressed emotions, I'm hanging on, and that I will be alright. My heart may be heavy, my body may feel so tired and listless, but I will pull through somehow. I know I will.

And I want to mum things that I want her to know, and to ask her questions that only she can answer, even though she is no longer around...

It will be another emotional affair and perhaps painful experience. But as someone reminded me a day or so ago, this is only the "VERY" beginning of losing someone, really losing someone. This is not like losing a friend or losing a lover... This is losing a part of your life, a part that is so fundamental to who you are and how you grew up. The pain and loss will get worse before it gradually, gradually dulls, I know. I know.

And however fatigued and drained I already am after the months leading up to mum's death and the weeks after her death, I need to toughen up and be prepared.

Deleted

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I dragged my feet and only at the very last moment did I press "delete".

Deleted were all her personal data, her email account, her Facebook account and her skype account. Deleted were all the music I uploaded onto the pad for her, music that would make her calm and less bored at the hospital, music that would send her to sleep.
Deleted were the pictures I uploaded onto her pad to remind her of just a little bit of what wonderful trips she made throughout her life time.

Deleted was all trace of mum, as If she never existed. Deleted forever, never to be retrieved. Gone.

I touched the screen gently, and closed my eyes... She once swiped her fingers across the same screen. She once scrolled up and down Facebook pages of her grandchild... She once looked into the camera and smiled and smiled as she video chatted with my brother and his family...

I bought the pad for her, especially for her. But now she's gone, what use is this pad now? I have no use for it, even though I remember at the time when I bought it for her (really, it was for her...) I told her I would take it with me when she no longer needs it (so she wouldn't nag about how I'm wasting money...). Now she no longer needs it, and I have no use for it. Looking at it, using it would only bring back painful, painful memories...

So I sold the pad.

Restaurant

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Brother choked on his tears as he mentioned how he and mum went to the restaurant together sometime last year. It would be his last time with mum. "We sat over there..." he said and pointed to a table behind us.

"And I sat with mum there," I said as I pointed to the table next to the one he pointed to. Last time mum and I went there was in February. Just after a visit to the hospital in southern Taipei, I believe it was after a routine check up after her CyberKnife treatments. I mentioned the Thai restaurant as it was on our way home. Mum agreed to go. And surprisingly she ate quite a bit, even though she had been vomiting for some time already.

Tonight I suggested to brother to go to the same restaurant, knowing fully well that the place has a special place in our hearts. Mum brought us there first over ten years ago. We fell in love with Their shrimp pancake and water crest with shrimp paste. These are two dishes we order every time we frequent the restaurant. And we ordered the same dishes today as well. A tribute to mum, in a way.

Mum was on both our minds.
Mum is on both our minds...

Grief

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Grief and regret can keep you awake at night...

Grief and words said in a fit of anger can keep your mind burning when your body needs to calm down and sleep...

Grief, grief, grief... Let me sleep...

You are the apple...

05082012.0029

I first watched this movie with mum when it premiered on tv over four months ago. A bitter sweet comedy with some dirty jokes and a dose of romanticism and reality.

I am watching it again now, or at least parts of it. It seemed like such a long time ago, sitting there on the sofa of mum's private hospital room. Mum was still relatively alright back then. She could still get up and out of bed on her own, even though her health was already steadily declining due to the fact she had not properly eaten for weeks at that point. I remember watching the movie, feeling a bit awkward when there were sexual references and scenes of masturbation, and I remember laughing at the funny bits, and turning to look at mum who also smiled quietly.

We watched the movie till the end together, which was a surprise, because the movie was over two hours long, and by the time it ended it was already past eleven. She turned to me when the movie ended and said: "This is how it was in those days..." By "those days" she meant the days of her youth, the days of her high school years when girls and boys beginning to discover one another, but are still too conservative to make moves. I remember thinking to myself how lovely it is for mum to have a look back at her youth...

I watch the movie by myself now, sitting in the living room all alone. Mum's portrait and dad's portrait are the only signs of company, for my brother already retreated into his room (which was mum's room...). Back then, just four months or so ago, I could reach over to touch mum whenever I wanted. And I believe I even massaged her arms and legs, as I did nightly before bedtime. Back then, she spoke to me when I spoke to her, even though her voice and lifeline was already weakening. Now when I speak to her, there is only a deadly silence...

This bitter sweet movie is bringing me bitter sweet memories...