One World, Different Dreams

Six foreign activists unfurled a banner on the Great Wall of China today. Scribbled on it was the official slogan of the 2008 Beijing Olympics: “One world, one dream”. Celebrating the one year countdown to the greatest sporting event in the world perhaps? Underneath, the words “Free Tibet” on the same banner was less cause for celebration. The group of six has been detained, and their fates are unknown.

In 2001, there was much commotion when the Olympic Games were awarded to Beijing by the slimmest of votes by the International Olympic Committee (IOC). This self-proclaimed “non-profit organisation” decides who gets the Olympic honour in secret ballots, and has been trying hard to salvage its tainted reputation of being a corrupt club of self-serving internationalists. The Beijing decision did not help improve its image.

Critics cried foul and disbelief, when the Chinese capital triumphed over Toronto, Paris, and even Osaka—which was deemed one of the most hospitable cities in Asia. But rest assured, the IOC said. It will be a clean game, and it will bring great changes to China. To placate those critics who point to China’s poor human rights record, the IOC was adamant that the Games would bring the world to China, and China to the world, and in doing so put pressure on the regime to liberalise. Deals were struck with the regime to allow unprecedented press freedom to foreign journalists in this infamously repressive state, where news is known to be government propaganda and strictly censored.

Thus the Olympic dream began. In the past few years magnificent architecture and landscapes have been erected from the ground up. There is no doubt preparations is right on target to deliver what has been promised the most spectacular Games in history. To borrow those wise words of Chairman Mao, the opportunity to host the Olympics is perhaps the ultimate symbolism showing the rest of the world that China has finally “stood up”. The slogan “One world, one dream” is supposed to capture the spirit of “a great nation, with a long history of 5,000 years and on its way towards modernization, that is committed to peaceful development, harmonious society and people's happiness”. Applaud here.

But the nightmares of human rights and other abuses are far from having ended. A former UNICEF spokesperson and Hollywood began a campaign to dub the 2008 Games “Genocide Olympics”, in the face of China’s continuing financial and armaments support of Sudanese government:

That nightmare is Darfur, where more than 400,000 people have been killed and more than two-and-a-half million driven from flaming villages by the Chinese-backed government of Sudan.

That so many corporate sponsors want the world to look away from that atrocity during the games is bad enough. But equally disappointing is the decision of artists like director Steven Spielberg — who quietly visited China this month as he prepares to help stage the Olympic ceremonies — to sanitize Beijing's image. Is Mr. Spielberg, who in 1994 founded the Shoah Foundation to record the testimony of survivors of the holocaust, aware that China is bankrolling Darfur's genocide?

[…] Whether that opportunity goes unexploited lies in the hands of the high-profile supporters of these Olympic Games. Corporate sponsors like Johnson & Johnson, Coca-Cola, General Electric and McDonalds, and key collaborators like Mr. Spielberg, should be put on notice. For there is another slogan afoot, one that is fast becoming viral amongst advocacy groups; rather than "One World, One Dream," people are beginning to speak of the coming "Genocide Olympics."

Does Mr. Spielberg really want to go down in history as the Leni Riefenstahl of the Beijing Games? Do the various television sponsors around the world want to share in that shame? Because they will. Unless, of course, all of them add their singularly well-positioned voices to the growing calls for Chinese action to end the slaughter in Darfur.

Despite assertions by the Beijing Organizing Committee that the foreign press is being
“treated kindly”, Reporters without Borders begs to differ:

The Chinese authorities promised the IOC and international community concrete improvements in human rights in order to win the 2008 Olympics for Beijing. But they changed their tone after getting what they wanted. For example, then deputy Prime Minister Li Lanqing said, four days after the IOC vote in 2001, that “China’s Olympic victory” should encourage the country to maintain its “healthy life” by combatting such problems as the Falungong spiritual movement, which had “stirred up violent crime.” Several thousands of Falungong followers have been jailed since the movement was banned and at least 100 have died in detention.

A short while later, it was the turn of then Vice-President Hu Jintao (now president) to argue that after the Beijing “triumph,” it was “crucial to fight without equivocation against the separatist forces orchestrated by the Dalai Lama and the world’s anti-China forces.” In the west of the country, where there is a sizeable Muslim minority, the authorities in Xinjiang province executed Uyghurs for “separatism.” Finally, the police and judicial authorities were given orders to pursue the “Hit Hard” campaign against crime. Every year, several thousand Chinese are executed in public, often in stadiums, by means of a bullet in the back of the neck or lethal injection.

And so does the Committee to Protect Journalists, which warned of a

[…] yawning gap between China’s poor press freedom record and the promises made in 2001 when Beijing was awarded the Olympic Games. The International Olympic Committee awarded the 2008 Games to the Chinese capital based on assurances that authorities would allow the media “complete freedom,” and that they would apply “no restrictions” to coverage. While the government has eased some travel and interview rules that apply to foreign journalists, it continues to impose severe constraints on the domestic press. Chinese journalists are in jail. Vast censorship rules are in place. Harassment, attacks, and threats occur with impunity. China has fallen short thus far in its pledge to the international community.

To echo this, Amnesty International reports:

growing crackdown on Chinese human rights activists and journalists as well as the continued use of ‘Re-education through Labour’ (RTL) and other forms of detention without trial. Official statements suggest that the Olympics are being used to justify such repression in the name of ‘harmony’ or ‘social stability’ rather than acting as a catalyst for reform. […] the image of the Olympics continues to be being tarnished by ongoing reports of the ‘house arrest’, torture or unfair trial of Chinese activists and the extension of systems for detention without trial in Beijing as part of the city’s ‘clean-up’ ahead of August 2008. If the authorities fail to take significant action to reform such practices, reports of abuses are likely to increase as the Olympics approach with adverse publicity potentially affecting not only China, but other stakeholders in the Olympic movement, including the International Olympic Committee (IOC) and the corporate sponsors of the Games.

And so does Human Rights Watch, which wrote:

On paper, the temporary regulations appear to free foreign correspondents from a decades-old regulatory handcuff of time-consuming and rarely granted foreign ministry approval for interviews and reporting trips o[…]. However, the new latitude granted by the temporary regulations is conditioned on being “in conformity with Chinese laws and regulations.” This is problematic, as many Chinese laws and regulations limit free expression. The continuing applicability of these other laws and regulations and the lack of independence of the judiciary limit the chances that the temporary regulations will be enforced, or enforceable.

[…]In addition, foreign journalists must still apply for rarely-granted official permits for reporting visits to Tibet. Worse, many say that they are often harassed, detained, and intimidated by government and state security officials in the course of their reporting activities. More disturbingly, such treatment is increasingly being meted out by threatening and occasionally violent groups whom journalists often suspect to be plainclothes police personnel […]

Human Rights in China wrote that the Chinese regime is (ab)using the Olympics to package and advertise its strengths and overshadow its failings. Stories are being revealed of small children driven to the brink all in the name of “Honour for the Nation”. Further, news reports that have leaked out of the country report that Olympic merchandise are being produced by child labour. Whereas big multinationals stand to reap billions in profits from selling their shoes, clothes, puppets and pens at exuberant prices, workers are being forced to work long hours in poor conditions:

Yet the Olympics movement, particularly the International Olympics Committee, has refused to acknowledge that labour violations in their supply chain exist, and that they need to take responsibility to create an ethical marketing and licensing program in the face of these contraventions. […] Even though the IOC Code of Ethics stating clearly that “The Olympic parties must not be involved with firms or persons whose activity is inconsistent with the principles set out in the Olympic Charter”, the IOC refuses to accept responsibility for even the most minimum adherence to basic labour standards in the production and sportswear bearing the Olympic Games logo. […] The IOC has consistently favoured an approach of denial and rebuttal of claims that it address the need for oversight and responsibility in the production of Olympic logo goods.

And yet, despite all these well-founded criticisms and misgivings, the IOC President just yesterday praised Beijing for its “excellent work”. “One world, one dream”, indeed.

Ironic. The UK (and others) can proudly announce their intention to boycott sports competitions in Zimbabwe, yet when it comes to China, a regime perhaps just as, if not more, oppressive and obnoxious, they welcome it with open arms. What kind of signal did the IOC want to send to similarly brutal governments out there when it gave China the gift of the Olympics? That it’s alright to torture your own people, and send them into gulags where they slave away manufacturing cheap goods? That it’s alright to stifle dissent and arbitrarily detain opposition, and to censor the internet and all negative news about the country? And that’s it’s perfectly alright to invade Tibet and destroy the last vestiges of that country’s cultural and religious heritage? Or perhaps the IOC wanted to condone China with its continuous war-mongering and warnings of invading Taiwan?

Whatever the message, whatever the motivation or incentive, in a year’s time fanfare and fireworks will fly over Beijing, as the city, and the country, proudly invites the world to see. See the proud achievements and progress it has made in recent years, see the beauty and magnificence of this up-and-coming economic and political dragon that has now reawakened, and see how civilised people have become through the ‘no spitting’ campaigns.

But there are things that the regime does not want you to see… people who have been forcibly rounded up and sent away to make room for the Olympic dream, the people who spoke out too loudly and are now being persecuted in prison… and those resisting in silence of one day seeing their own country freed from occupation and intimidation.

Look.

And you will see.

More cartoons here.

Plans!

Haven't really been doing much work 'work' lately. I guess it's the fact that I'm postponing my graduation by one month that sort of psychologically triggered the "I-can-relax-a-little" mode in me. And frankly, reading stuffy old law journals and books, and typing thousands and thousands of words can be very, very exhausting...

But still, I've been doing so other useful things too. For one, I was shocked to find out just last week that my university doesn't have the budget or any plans to hold a graduation event. Not even a little get together before we all part different ways. I mean what's the point of working so hard throughout the year and not having a proper event to finish it off officially? So I started to email my course coordinator, and suggested to him that we really should do something.

And immediately (almost) he agreed! I have some 'influence' at the place I work, and I think I can easily get a great room for my class to get together... even if it's just for drinks and snacks. So I've been sending out emails and planning this, something I really, really enjoy doing!

It's funny because I dread planning my own life and my future, even if it's just what I want to do the very same day... but when it comes to planning something for other people, then I jump at the opportunity and get very organised. I really love planning, organising things, and seeing everything fall into place and knowing that people are enjoying themselves. I don't do it for the credit or the praise, but just seeing people happy and making something memorable is already a great joy.

And this morning there was another thing that really got my excitement going. A good friend of mine and I were just talking and discussing... and suddenly she mentioned she'd really like to go to Auschwitz someday. Immediately in my mind I was thinking: "That's one of the must-go places on my list of must-go places!"

So we ending up planning and thinking about the trip the whole morning. It's still in the fragile planning stage, and we're not even sure if it'll go through because of our time constraints... but maybe, just maybe we could be travelling across Europe next week or so, and be standing at the gates of perhaps the most gruelsome concentration camp in human history.

Amsterdam Gay Pride 2007

To be very honest, I'm not at all into the whole gay scene... and even less into pride events.
I guess it maybe just me, being very shy and quiet by nature, which is the complete opposite of what a gay pride is all about.

What is it all about? Being out, loud, and proud! Dancing, jiggling, screaming from the roof tops that "We're queer, we're here, and we're here to stay!"

There's nothing wrong with that, and I would never want to undermine the need to make ourselves known in a world built and dominated by heteros. There is still a lot of discrimination, misunderstanding and bigotry, even in this country, which is supposed to be the most liberal and open-minded in the whole world. But why does it all have to be so 'in-your-face' and create such a stir?

I was at the famous annual Amsterdam (A'dam) Gay Pride yesterday, where I walked around and took a lot of pictures. Every year, on the first Saturday in August, hundreds of thousands flock to A'dam to catch a glimpse of the unique pride which takes place on one of the many canals. Instead of traditional floats, here it's with boats, but no less exotic and extravagant.

It was really busy and crowded everywhere. I walked literally all around town, following the procession as it slowly circled the city. It's supposed to be the biggest event since it started in the late 70s, with over 70 boats taking part. Some were sponsored by clubs, others by companies which wanted to show that they take pride in the pride of their workers. A few boats belonged to gay-interest associations and organisations, and had a political message to them. For the first time, there was a boat with minors on it, and also one with straight people who wanted to show their solidarity with the gays. There was also one with elder people, the over 65s, but they too were enjoying the music and the wonderful weather as the crowd on either side cheered them on. Everywhere, pink sashes, rainbow flags, and colourful confetti flying all over the place.

Then... of course, and as expected at a gay pride, there were the drags in exotic Brazilian carnival-style colourful customes, alongside Moulin-Rouge-style drags in high fishnets and oversized feathered headgear. There were also hairy 'Bears' dressed in leather hot-pants, equipped with whips, their greased-up skin shimmering in the summer sun. And how could you miss the construction workers, dancing around almost completely naked in thongs, flagrantly dangling their 'tools' for everyone to see. Exotic. Erotic. Shocking. Anything goes...

I guess seeing those things were what made it a bit of a turn-off... No problem with people dressing up (or down) as they want, but why perpetuate the 'gay stereotypes' of sex, sex, sex, and screaming fags and drags? Can pride be shown in more subtle ways, instead of being so provocative and outrageously aggressive?

I mean, what makes gays different from other people is NOT the fact that we love pink and worship the rainbow flag, and love to go topless and put on make-up or weather feminine clothes.

What makes us different is that there is no difference at all! We just like and love people of the same-sex, what is 'different' about that? People are just people, with feelings and fears, emotions and desires. Man, woman, woman, man... what does it matter? Love is just love, and is blind towards who you portray it to, who you receive it from, or who you make it with. Why place so much emphasis on sex and gender, when what it all comes down to is just people engaged in the most human and basic instincts?

I don't like telling people "I'm gay". It's not because I don't want them to know, or I'm ashamed. If people ask, I answer honestly. There's nothing to hide, I've not done anything wrong. It's just that if there's one thing I dislike, it's labels. Why do I have to be 'gay', or 'Asian', 'a boy' or 'allochtone' (coloured foreigner), or anything at all? It simply makes people associate with certain ideas and stereotypes, and makes them ignorant and short-sighted by preventing them from seeing beyond the label. Why do I have to tell people I'm gay, when other people don't need to say "I'm straight"? The craziness of it all, and how confused this world is by placing so much emphasis on labels and identity, but forgetting and missing the individual and everyone's uniqueness as a human being.

Anyways, after walking around for a good few hours I felt a bit sick and wanted to get away from it all, to get away from the loud noise and excitement. Only when I managed to find a place to sit down quietly did I realise how exhausted I was from it all.


For more pictures of the gay pride, see here.

Interesting signs at A'dam Gay Pride 2007 II

On the front page of the local Amsterdam newspaper.

First time, a 'straight float' sailing together with the Gay Pride. Caption says: "Different together, one together"


"Straights also proud!"



Amnesty International Campaign against Discrimination


"Against intolerance, only love"

Interesting signs at A'dam Gay Pride 2007

"How did your mother react when you said that you were straight?"

"You don't look gay at all?"

Tolerance United is a campaign during the Gay Pride to bring together football and gays.
This year's pride event happens to coincide with football matches (Amsterdam Tournament) and the city government openly admitted that it couldn't guarantee safety of gays in the city. Mores specifically, a huge number of English football fans, who are often associated with hooliganism, will be in Amsterdam together with a large number of gay tourists.
A number of licenses of gay bars and restaurants to sell liquor and food were not given, because the police said they didn't have enough people to keep the peace.

The campaign aims to raise awareness and spread tolerance and respect.

"Slogan of the A'dam Gay Pride 2007: We Are"

It's a play on the slogan of the Amsterdam Tourist Office which uses 'IAMsterdam' as a slogan.

16- float at A'dam Gay Pide 2007

For the first time in the history of the A'dam Gay Pride, there was a special boat with minors (youngters under the age of 18). There was some commotion a few months ago when a 14 year old boy (Danny) wanted to go on the gay pride, but couldn't He campaigned for his own boat. With the support of COC (the largest gay-interest organisation), he successfully managed ti get some 40 other youngsters to have they own float.

But there were some strict rules: no nakedness, no alcohol or drugs. And the participants need the permission of the parents!

As COC head Frank van Dalen put it in an interview (below in Dutch),

“The youngsters came up with the idea themselves, and you can do two things: say ‘You’re not allow, you won’t, and you can’t, and in the meantime stay secretly homosexual.’ Or say ‘You’re self-conscious in live, let yourselves be seen, give out the message. To a 14 year old boy who is straight we ask: ‘Do you already have a girlfriend?’ And to a gay boy we ask: ‘Are you sure about it?’ And that’s precisely what [the problem] is about. […] The funny thing is if you talk these youngsters, to them it’s not about sexuality, but about identity. Homosexuality is about who you are, what you are, what you enjoy, and these youngsters develop themselves in those years. Personality is given shape. Sexuality is not per se the theme they’re engaged with. It’s about who they are, and what they want to be.”

Fireworks

The moon hung low on the horizon, almost sinking. Its face was swollen red, and half hidden in darkened shame.

I picked up some sand, and felt it between my fingers. Deciding it was dry enough, I gently sat myself down. As always, in a shy and isolated part of the beach, away from the crowd. But it actually offered the best view, as the barge drifted in the calm, calm sea to a position just directly in front of me. Most people somehow had the impression the fireworks were going to be on the other side of the pier.

It was empty, and there was a slight chill as the last light of day set. I sat there, cross-legged and let the sea breeze and sounds wash over me. Out of nowhere, a meteor shot across the sky... and vanished as soon as it appeared. A premonition of the show ahead, perhaps.

The anticipation was suspenseful, as the hands of my watch inched towards 11. Last week had been a big disappointment, as I arrived only to be told storm-like winds blew off the fireworks display. Just then, floodlights on the promenade unexpectedly dimmed, and the beach, normally so busy, loud and bright, seemed to suddenly silense.

A golden stream noiselessly soared into the sky. And exploded sending a loud bang echoing across the waves and the beach and countless sparks spiraling down to earth. More streams followed, and the fireworks display got underway.

For the next twenty minutes or so, I sat there awed and inspired by the dazzling colours and bangs, flashes and sparkles that at times seemed to bright the sky as light as day.The explosions were deafening, and the sound of the crowd cheering excitedly in the distance mingled with the cries of frightened babies. One by one, as each firework shot upwards and lived their short-existence, I could almost feel a rush through my veins, wanting even more, even bigger, even higher, hoping the next would over shadow the last. Huge balls of red, green and purple imploded in the sky, and sent thousands of golden stardust falling like rain into the sea that reflected it all like a mirror below.

Breathtaking ...More pictures here.

Believe

Children as young as five, crying, praying, fainting together at the command of the preacher.
Intense, shocking, emotional.

Children homeschooled and taught that there is no truer word than the word of Jesus, and that all you do in life, you should pray for his blessing, and repent for your sins.

Children indoctrinated by 'born-again' fundamentalists, and who believe that Christianity must take over the US, and who believe that Bush is on the right path to rooting out the evils of abortion, liberalism, homosexuality and anyone who is not like 'us'.

That's what Jesus Camp was about. A beautifully made Oscar nomination documentary about the lives and one summer camp of an evangelical children's group who are taught to be God's 'soldiers', and told to wage war against everyone who is not with them, and anyone who is against them. A message that is perhaps all too similar in the War on Terror.

I sat there in the little art-house cinema, disturbed, and shaking my head, but at times also bursting out in laughter at the absurdity of it all. I have no problem with religion... but taking and forcing it on young children and filling their vulnerable minds with black-and-white messages of sin and salvation, good and evil, them and us, Jesus and the devil is just psychological torture and traumatic on the upbringing of so many innocent children who may grow up trapped and confined to this narrow and closed-off world of God, gospel and prayer.

My friend sat next to me, and she too was shaking her head in disbelief, and was even at times horrified and embittered by what she saw. Religion can heal, can fill gaps in people's lives, but when taken to an extreme of fanaticism, it becomes pure propoganda and a drug to control and subdue people. It becomes a means to create senseless masses with no free will, with no freedom of dissent, and creates a whole hysteria based on blind faith and following.

And to think these kinds of people are governing and guiding the most powerful and supposedly freest and most affluent nation in the world is just baffling...


After the movie, my friend and I went for a drink. Hours just flew by. We just sat down and talked and talked and talked. First about the movie, sharing our ideas and thoughts, but eventually we went deeper, and started to share our lives and pasts.

It's refreshing to talk to someone, one-to-one, and amazing how you can get to know a person, and realise how people have so many similar fears and needs. It's like holding a mirror to yourself sometimes... and just listening and watching, while the image talks. You learn, but also 'teach', and in 'teaching' you learn. Sometimes it takes listening to just help someone. Offering a few simple nods, or a smile of sympathy, or a short but meaningful phrase like " I understand" goes a long, long way.

And then there are those beautiful moments, when you tell other how much they mean to you,
how much they changed your life for the better, how much they've give you guidance and support. It sends shivers down your spine.... shivers of pleasantness, shivers you get only when you've found and treasure something so precious and close to heart. She admires me, and I look up to her... it's like we have this symbiotic relationship at this time and this moment. And that's a miraculous thing, in this great big world with so many people to just meet someone like that, some you can take from and is willing to give... someone you are willing to give to and who will take from knowing it's out of concern and 'love' or one another, and out of the purity of friendship. It's special, unique, like everything was meant to be.

We talked a lot about love and relationships. And one thing she told me very frankly, and that I never realise was this: am I really ready for a relationship?

I may be constantly longing for it, and constantly complaining about being lonely and alone, but it will come when the time is right. Perhaps it's just too early, and I'm not prepared at all. Perhaps all I want is to have that feeling given to me, but not really realising what 'love' or a relationship means.

If I were to have a relationship, would I not just completely and totally depend on that person and expect so much that I cling on and never let go? Isn't that unhealthy and just too needy?
She was really right... I should use this time alone to figure myself out, to find out things I enjoy and to learn how to be alone without being lonely.... basically to learn to like and eventually love myself, before I start to like or even love another person. Only then could there be balance. Only then could a relationship be healthy. Too much longing creates too much expectations... and will be painful and hurt deeply if those expectations are not met. She was so right...

It will come, in time, when I and the rest of the world is ready.

We parted, at close to 1am on a cool night. But inside I felt pretty warmed and comforted.

Random

It's nice to come home, and be appreciated. Especially after a long day at work, and a long, long time behind the computer writing and researching. It's so nice to open the door, and see a friendly face look at you and welcome you home.

Even if it's the cat's face.

Even if it's because she's hungry and waiting to be fed.

I guess things have been pretty alright lately... at least much better to how or what I felt a week or so ago. A few days ago I met my thesis supervisor, something I had been so dreading to do, and a meeting I had been postponing for almost two months...
But he was extremely positive and helpful, and commended me for my good work. Especially after he mentioned (twice!!) that we should consider publishing the work in a law journal!

Imagine... my name, my work and ideas in a law journal.... published and circulated all around the world...

A distant dream, perhaps. But all his feedback and ideas really gave me the boost of confidence I needed to continue on my thesis writing.

Besides that, a really close friend just last week moved to the city I live in, and we've been doing a lot of things together. Cooking, going to the beach (even if it was just once until now), having deep heart-to-heart talks, and just being there for one another and listening to one another. Sometimes it's really that simple. Sometimes it's all it takes to feel like you are appreciated, to feel like you're loved even. And being appreciated and loved are things I really long for.
But it's so difficult to find someone you can share life with, even though there are countless people always around you in the big city.

It's funny, because up until April I didn't really know this friend very well, and I only spoke to her once or twice at the library or briefly in the corridor. It was because of a project we were working on that we were brought together, and only then did we realise we had so much in common, and so much we could relate to. And I really need that, as a moral support, and someone to talk to.... especially now, I think, because every day I go to the office, and there's absolutely noone to talk to... and because most of my other classmates have all gone home... some never to come back anymore.

It's really a great feeling to find a friend... a true friend you know you can tell things to and know that you won't be judged. It's rare, especially in this day and age of fast friendships and on-the-surface-interactions between people. It's a great feeling to be able to be who you are, not have to act, and to feel utterly comfortable being just yourself, and to have that feeling given back in return. Even if it's just friendship, it feels so special, and warms my heart everytime I see or hear her.

She too will be leaving the country very soon, and at the back of my mind I already have doubts about seeing her go. But then, the consolation is that we met, better late than never, and that we shared so much together in the short time since we've known each other... and I look forward to more or the same in the coming weeks.

A bit of politics...

I've not written about politics for a while, partly because I've had so much other things to do, but this is one issue that really gets to me.

It may be boring, but this is something I'm been reading and writing about since I was young:
the issue of Taiwan! I was born there, and even though I only lived there a few years, I still few somewhat connected to that country. Basically, despite the fact it's a fully functioning country in every way possible, it is not recognised by most states in the world as a state. So it is not allowed to join the UN or any international organisation in which Statehood is a requirement.
A gross violation of international law and denial of the rights of the people of Taiwan to representation and security.

The following are things I wrote a few days ago and published elsewhere:

You may or may not (probably the latter) have seen this headline on BBC News a few days ago.

Poor little Taiwan knocking at the doors of the UN once again, and most certainly will be turned away and ignored like the international pariah it is. It's not the first time, and definitely will not be the last. With China wielding the veto power on the Security Council, and insisting that Taiwan is "an inalienable part of the motherland", chances of China ever approving Taiwan's membership is less than nihil.

By any objective standard, Taiwan is a sovereign and independent State, with a properly functioning government, 23 million inhabitants, identifiable territory, and also has the ability to engage in international relations. It is probably the most democratic and politically stable country in Asia, supported by a thriving economy and society. But, alas, it is openly shunned by the rest of the world like the plague, all because of China's propaganda and war mongering.

There are States ripped by turmoil and in which the government have ceased to exist, but they are still part of the family of States and recognised as such. Then there are oppressively authoritarian States that trample on basic human rights and intimidate its own population, but they are part of the UN. And then there are those 'evil' rogue States that flagrantly disregard international law, and even braver others that cause despicable humanitarian tragedies, and yes, they too are part of the UN. Taiwan is none of the above, but cannot even take part in the most basic international conference on matters of universal concern, like human health or the environment, because it is not recognised as a State. The irony.

One reason I study law because I was fascinated with its ability to defend the weak and restrain the strong in a world too often corrupted by the dictates of power and politics. Law’s power lies in its ability to speak back to power. Law’s authority lies in its, certainty, coherence and objectivity; in its ability to be blind and dispense justice on the scales of common morality and in the defence of human dignity.

Or at least in theory. And no where else is it more evident in the international arena. All States are equal, they say, but some more so than others. That is, if you are recognised as a State. If you are not, you are alone and isolated in this so-called international community that preaches equality, justice and universalism, but cowers in the face of hegemony and bullying tactics. Such is the sorry state of the world today.

Below is an excerpt from a paper I wrote at SOAS about the issue of recognition of States under public international law, with a special focus on the question of recognition of Taiwan:

That the proposed idea of recognition of statehood has moved from a constitutive to a declaratory view should, in the light of the Taiwan experience, be reassessed. Taiwan proves the effectiveness, legitimacy or even pragmatic tests for statehood are irrelevant. Instead, the current international order is dominated by an oligopoly of powerful states who can dictate, like the European colonial powers in the 19th Century did, who is allowed to belong and what is to be deemed a state, according to their interests and convenience.

International law revolves around states. A state may exist, and may be able and willing to shoulder all the rights and duties bound on members of the community of states, but the ultimate test of full subject-status under international law rests on its recognition by existing (superpower) states. The situation surrounding Taiwan's statehood offers an interesting overlap between the dominant realities of the ability of international politics to dictate international law, and the idealistic norms underpinned by human rights and peace that international law aims to pursue despite inhibitions from international politics.

Recognition is not a legal obligation, therefore it is often hijacked by political interests and objectively granted or withdrawn to serve certain, mostly that of big powers', status quos and realities. Taiwan’s relationship with its international counterparts is "fraught with ellipsis, indirect statements, and hidden meanings" . Though the international community has argued that the issue of Taiwan and its legal status should be up to China and Taiwan to decide, the nature of the question in straddling so many issues of international rights and duties and the potential impacts on world peace and stability, makes the issue one that is of the international community's concern and need for mediation.

The recognition of statehood is of great importance, because the existence or the lack of such recognition will dictate whether the candidate is deserving of the full protection, privileges and entitlements available in this state-centric world, regardless of whether that world is viewed through legal or political lenses. Exactly because recognition is such an important aspect of existence in the international community, it is also the most controversial, and one in which law and politics often intertwine.

And today I wrote this, after the UN rejected Taiwan's application for membership... again!

A letter was filed by President Chen Shui-bian of Taiwan on the 19th of July, directed at UN Secretary-General Ban Ki Moon. In it, Chen formally applied for Taiwan’s UN membership in accordance with the rules and procedure as laid out under the Charter.

Five days later, President Chen’s letter is returned by the UN Office of Legal Affairs, and the application for membership outrightly rejected. A short statement was issued, rejecting the application. I tried to find the original statement, but it is no where to be found, and believe me I’ve searched in all over the UN website. Like the complete and utter denial of its existence in the world, no hits contain the word ‘Taiwan’.

So, according to news reports, the application for membership was rejected on the basis of GA Resolution 2758 (XXVI), entitled ‘Restoration of the lawful rights of the People’s Republic of China in the United Nations’. That resolution was adopted in 1971, after the UN decided that:

“to restore all its rights to the People's Republic of China and to recognize the representatives of its Government as the only legitimate representatives of China to the United Nations, and to expel forthwith the representatives of Chiang Kai-shek from the place which they unlawfully occupy at the United Nations and in all the organizations related to it”.

Here is the joke behind this resolution.

When the UN was established, the war-ally and Chinese dictator Chiang Kai-Shek was allowed to sit alongside the big powers and take China’s seat in the organisation. Years before, his regime fled China to take refuge in Taiwan when the Communists triumphed and took control of China. Cold War politics, and unquestioning US support meant that Chiang’s regime was able to illegally conquer Taiwan and oppress its inhabitants, while at the same time claim that it effectively controlled over the hundreds of millions of Chinese from the tiny island of Taiwan. This pipe-dream and fantasy was able to flourish for some 26 years, while the Communist regime in Beijing was shunned aside and treated as persona non grata.

After almost three decades of political wrangling and protests, spearheaded by the Soviet Union, the UN finally realised it was unrealistic that the Chiang regime ever represented China.

Hence Resolution 2758—an infamous resolution that effectively admitted that for so many decades the UN had been so blind and foolish, and allowed itself to be so politically manipulated and deceived to have Chiang Kai-Shek and his cronies unlawfully occupy China’s seat in the UN.

Goodbye Chiang…

But what does this have to do with Taiwan? Nothing. Nothing at all. All Resolution 2758 did was restore the rightful and legitimate seat of the People’s Republic of China, period. There was complete silence regarding the status of Taiwan and to whom the territory belonged to. And this silence has existed since the end of World War II, when Taiwan was put under temporary control of the Allied Forces. The US and UK at the time had publicly declared that the status of this one-time Japanese colony was “undetermined”. The status of the island, and future of its people, had to be decided eventually at a peace conference or within the UN system. But that was that. All talk.

When China rightfully assumed its place in the UN, it reiterated and continues to reiterate that Taiwan is part of China. It makes claims on the basis of the historical, cultural, linguistic bonds between China and Taiwan, but none of it is founded in law or reality. Any attempt to bring the issue of Taiwan to discussion is met with stiff opposition or the veto.

The truth is China does not have any legal title to claim sovereignty over the territory of Taiwan. Nor does China have any control, effective or otherwise, over the territory and its 23 million people. If it did, it would not have to constantly threaten invasion and war, because it could just legitimately march in, hoist its red flag and establish its dictatorial regime there, and no one would protest. If China did control and legitimately own Taiwan, it would not have to constantly warn of economic retaliation and other “severe consequences” whenever other States deal with Taiwan.

So why was the application for membership in the UN rejected on the basis of Resolution 2758? A completely flawed argument lacking in any basis or reason. Just like that, dismissed without any discussion or whatsoever in the General Assembly or the Security Council, as is required by law under the UN Charter (Art. 4(2)). I’d not be surprised if Mr Ban was somehow pressured (or bribed) by China to dismiss the application as soon as it was filed. And this coming directly from the UN’s Office of Legal Affairs.

States like Tuvalu, with its meagre 10,000 people, and States like North Korea, with its open defiance of international norms, can all become and stay members of the UN. Yet, a country like Taiwan, with more a larger population than two-thirds of UN members, is barred time and again due to such inexcusable manipulations of the law. Those judges in the Admissions Case, who unequivocally and overwhelming held that admission into the world’s primary universal organisation cannot “juridically” be “dependent on conditions not expressly provided by Article 4(1)” of the Charter must be spinning in their graves.

I leave you with the words from the original application filed by Mr Chen… despite the invocation of the ‘international community’ (which as you know I loathe), they speak more than I, or justice, ever could.

“The international community of today chooses to disregard the efforts of Taiwan's 23 million people in their pursuit of dignity and peace. It would rather ask a country that advocates the universal values of freedom, democracy, human rights, and peace to submissively remain silent when its identity is denied and security threatened. Whereas globalization draws nations and peoples around the world closer under shared interests and concerns, the United Nations has long excluded Taiwan from participation, erecting a wall against it and placing it in political apartheid. Such unfair treatment towards Taiwan is incomprehensible and unbearable.

The people living on the beautiful land of Taiwan desire their nation to become a member of the international community and make greater contributions to world peace and prosperity. I, as President, have been given a mandate by the people of Taiwan, and therefore have the responsibility to see realized their aspirations. Participation in the United Nations is a fundamental right of the people of Taiwan. The absence of Taiwan in the United Nations creates a gap in the global network for cooperation, goes against the ideals and notion of justice upheld by the United Nations, and moreover is ironic in light of the UN's principle of universality”.

--

To find out more, read this.

And here's a video clip by the Taiwanese heavy metal group ChthoniC...
I'm not normally a fan of this type of music, but the music and lyrics does say a lot about Taiwan's international isolation in the world today...

UNlimited TAIWAN Short Film (Not Music Video)

Aan mijn Profiel Toevoegen | Meer Video's



OK!!!
I'll stop here before you fall asleep.... if you're still awake!

It's all because

Amazing song...!

It's because,
The gays are getting married.
All because
Of the gays
That everything's gone wrong.

If you liked this, you'll like this

Disappointing

You look forward to it the whole week... No, actually you look forward to it since you found out it was taking place. You invite a bunch of your friends to join you, thinking it would be a great night out. They promise they'd come, and say how much fun it would be.

Then it starts to blow storm-like winds.
Then none of your friends show up.

Now, that's disappointing...

I rushed towards the beach as the night started to fall. It was pretty windy, and at times I couldn't cycle forwards, however much I pedaled. And as soon as I got to the beach, it was quite busy, lots of people walking around... families, couples, and groups of friends too. No one I knew.

I walked around a little, watching the large waves bash against the seashore. Then suddenly from the speakers on the beach boulevard:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we are sorry to announce that the planned fireworks are cancelled due to strong winds...."

Like a weight suddenly tied to my heart, it sunk. Why? Why? Why?

I wandered around a bit... and suddenly felt so alone on that busy boulevard. Usually I'd take a walk on the beach, and clear my mind, but I just turned around and went home, cycling as fast as I could, speeding down the road like a mad person, getting out all my frustrations.

Soon I was home again, petting my cat, and sitting in my little room.

Death at a Funeral

It's been such a long time since I laughed so hard and so much. So much it hurts, and replaying the scenes makes me want to laugh even more.

Saw one of the best British black comedies in recent years last night: Death at a Funeral. It's basically about the worst and best things that could horribly and delightfully go wrong at a funeral. All these family and friends coming together and deep beneath the wry, dry humour lurks even before the funeral service has begun. A receipe for disaster... and a lot of laughter.

Definitely something to watch to cheer you up... and even if you're already cheery, it'll put a smile and laugh-bugs in you for a long time to come!

Sex

I am lying in bed. He is on top of me, looking at me intensely, caressing me with so much passion, so softly... I am so drunk with love, so drunk with arousal, I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wriggle under his body, lying so gently and perfectly on top of mine.

"I want it... Give it to me..." I'm almost begging for it. Begging for it to happen.

He looks at me tenderly, stroking through my hair, my cheeks, my lips, before he leans in to close his lips onto mine. He stares deeply into my eyes, as if to ask "Are you sure...?"

I fondle his naked chest, and my fingers trail the firm contours of his body from his upper torso, around his pelvis, and down towards his belly button. Feeling a bit more down, I could feel the hairlets on his smooth body become coarser and denser.

"Yes, I'm ready..."

He gives me a kiss, a deep, long, passionate kiss. Our breaths heave and sigh and meet and caress each others' skins, sending our minds and bodies shivering in excitement and utter extasy. His tongue penetrates me lips, penetrated slowly, but firmly, until it is deep inside, absorbing and exploring the insides of my mouth... until it discovered my own tongue, and then they both start to dance and play.

As he steadies himself and prepares to penetrate me in another way, my mind is wriggling in a high like no other I have ever felt before in my life.

Then I hear a groan.

I turn, and discover much to my surprise, my mum lying in the bed next to us. She is asleep, but her face was twisted in frustration and agony. "NO! Don't, son, don't!!"

I feel insecurity creep all over me. I feel the arousal and excitement all of a sudden ebb away and feel my feelings drop so suddenly and fall crashing down to earth.

Mum is still there, eyes closed, and shouting. "Don't do it... I don't want you to... Don't!"

I feel anger. I feel pain. I feel I'm being tied to a chain and can't be free. I feel like a slave to other people's desires and wants, but all I want is to live my own life and be free. Be free from constraints, be free from the heads shaking in disappointment, be free from the nagging voices, be free from the disgusted looks everywhere I turn and go.

I shout back. "I AM FREE! I AM AN INDIVIDUAL! STOP RUINING MY LIFE! I WANT TO BE HAPPY!" I'm crying, and sobbing. "IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY AND IF DAD IS RUINING YOUR LIFE, DON"T ALWAYS COME TO ME AND COMPLAIN TO ME!" I'm full of anger, full of bitterness, and feel the words pour out like a broken dam, as the bottled-up and poisonous feelings flood out.

I woke up, and the sun was shining weakly through the window.

Another nightmare, which again for the second or third time in recent weeks drained of energy, and feeling so vulnerable and hurting inside. I hugged my blankets and closed my eyes tightly hoping to images would go away, and that I could go back to sleep away as if nothing had ever happened.

But it was a very telling dream. And it said a lot about my desires and fears.
My desire to be free, to break free from my family, from the problems of my parents and their poor relationship... to break free and be an independent individual and live happily without restraints.

My desires to love, and be loved in return with so much passion, so much feeling, that I am even willing to give my viriginity to the person. Yes, a shocking revalation... pathetic perhaps even! I'm 23 and still a 'virgin'. Not that I've never had 'sex', but not anything penetrative. Perhaps because I'm scared... or that I've never met the 'right' person... What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for? Not sure... But I know I've never found or met it... and I'm not sure if I ever will. Maybe I'm a hopeless, hopeless romantic still hoping (even though I'm hopeless) that love will come, and that there is one person out there.... But in the nightmare you can feel my desperation, my deep, deep longing to be loved and to share such an intimate and intense act of love-making...

And then there are all these fears in the nightmare...
It's not that I have parents who are constantly telling me what to do, or how I should live my life. So I guess the 'mum' in the nightmare shouldn't be taken too literally. But she does represent the outside world, and my fears towards the world... my fears of disappointing people, my fears of seeing disapproval in other people's eyes... my fears of being rejected, of being judged, and of doing the 'wrong' thing.

I lay in bed after the nightmare for a while, and thought about it...
It's horrible and scary to have such intense nightmares, and even worse when you don't have any one to share it with immediately. But then, at the same time, they seem to tell you something is wrong, and that something may be changing.

I hope it's the latter.

Cruise

Cycling home, close to one in the morning. Air was nipy, but fresh. I sped along the cyclepath which skirted on the edge of the forest. The famous Hague Forest (Haagse Bos), where the Queen lives...
and where the 'queens' cruise.

I have no problem with people having fun between the trees in the pitch dark. But as I cycled past, two men appeared from the bushes and turned to look at me. Smiling. Smirking. Winking.
One was pretty butch, had a bolding head, and thick mustache, and must have been wearing leathery pants and an army uniform jacket. The other was shorter, and thinner, but had this drunk lusty look on his face.

I qucikly turned away, and cycled faster, thinking I should have taken the longer route, instead of gone 'cruising' along the more scenic route home. Trees flashed by quickly as my feet peddled and peddled. In the darkness and between the trees there suddenly seemed to be monsters lurking around, and I got a little frightened. There was noone around, and I felt a shiver, and I knew it wasn't because of the cold.

"Why does it always rain on me?"

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Even when the sun is shining
I cant avoid the lightning.

Cycling home tonight after a farewell dinner with friends who are leaving.
Rain...
Rain...
Rain...

In the afternoon, while I was out and about at the big funfair, it was just a light drizzle, nothing to be worried about, and actually one of my favourite kind of weather. I love that feeling when little rain drops hang on your eye lashes, and your world becomes a little blurry. I love that feel when the little rain falls and clings to your forehead and cheeks.

But tonight was just pouring, pouring, pouring with rain. And cycling makes it seem so much worse, not just because you drove into puddles in the road, but because cars splash all over you at high speeds! My jacket, trousers, shoes and socks were completely wet. And my woolen scarf, yes scarf I'm using at the end of July, was just soaked...

I cycled as quickly as I could to get home, but it seemed at every stoplight I had to stop. So got even more wet from waiting. And even wetter from cars passing by. Then, I realised... why am I hurrying? It's not as if the quicker I get home, the quicker I'm going to dry! Why not enjoy the rain?

And so I did.

I let the rain soak my clothes even more than it already it, let my shoes become completed drenched in water, let my jeans soak so much it was heavy and stuck to my skin.

Rain... rain... let it fall!

Roze Maandag

I walked around with a pink balloon tied to my bag, and a pink bandana around my neck. Both I had got from the friendly local policeman, dressed in his usual blue uniform, but with pink highlights and sashes wrapped around his whole body. I also had a pink Wuppie doll sitting on my shoulder, which I got when I donated some money to AIDS Fonds. Unfortunately, that poor Wuppie got lost somewhere....

Finally managed to hand in a draft of my thesis last week, so I decided to take a few days off, and give myself some 'free time'. Today was Roze Maandag (Pink Monday) , and every year there's this BIG celebration in a southern city called Tilburg. It's one of the biggest gay-event in the country that's being going on since 1990, and combined with the biggest funfair in the Netherlands, it's supposed to be quite a experience. As usual with things I invite my friends to, I ended going all by myself.

Oh well, being alone and with the rain didn't have to ruin the fun. I walked around the town, and everywhere was decorated with pink ribbons and flags and banners. The squares were filled with roller coaster rides and bumper cars and cotton candy stands, and all these people crowding in to take a peek at the event.



As usual, like at any gay pride event, there were out-rageously dressed drag queens parading the streets and making a big scene. I shied away in the corner and watched them go by. There were drummers, marching bands, dancers and even a Mr. Beautiful competition. That, and many cute looking guys walking around. Look but no touch.

I walked around a bit more, but didn't really do much else. All these thrill rides and games you could play just seem a bit boring when you do it by yourself. So I just wandered around and watched all sorts of people, old and young, hetero and homo, having a good time and munching away at the fatty foods and candies on offer. I guess that in itself was fun enough.

With the balloon tied around me, floating up and down and making funny noises as the rain drops fell on them, I headed home again.


MORE PICTURES HERE.

Imagine you and me

Watched this lovely comedy yesterday a friend of my recommended. It's called "Imagine you and me", about two women falling in love after just a glance at each other, and the difficulties in their way of finding each other. Actually a bit predictable, but still something sweet which can put a smile on your face.

One of my favourite lines in the movie was when the two main actresses say to one another, as they say goodbye:

L: Don’t forget me.
R: I won’t remember anything else.

Isn't that just such an amazingly beautiful interplay between two lovers?

Change

(Beethoven's Piano Concerto nr 5 (Kaiser), Second Movement...
the slow music is so moving, and the light tapping of the piano in the middle echoes a sense of desperation and longing...)

Yeah, I've not been feeling too well lately.

Started around a few months ago, first with lots of naps and chocolate eating. It got a bit better, only to get even worse, and to be 'cured' with more naps and frustrations. At first I thought it was the weather, but the weather was just a part of it. Each time it got a bit better, it was just about to get even worse.

Honestly I can't ever remember a time like this. Stressed from my studies, and depressed with my life. It's like there's nothing that can cheer me up, no one I can share with. Even the walks on the beach are just temporary cures, before I again plunge into the sea of confusion.

On the phone I spoke to a friend. I guess she noticed what I've been feeling and the conversation turned to me. At first, like often, I was a bit reluctant... but she spoke as if she knew what I was feeling, as if she could see me and what sorry state I am in at the moment. And having just talked to her, it was as if a heavy, heavy weight was lifted off of my shoulder... and for that I'm very grateful.

I notice for the last few months I've been getting out this teddy bear and just holding it while I sleep at night. It's been so many years since I last did that... since I needed that 'someone' to hold onto, 'someone' to make me not feel so lonely, that 'someone' to touch, even though it could never touch back. A small substitute for many things that are missing in my life. A substitute for the intimacy, for the closeness, companionship, and feeling of being 'loved' and loving in return. I know it's just a stuffed animal, just cotton and strings, and probably has lots of my drool and who knows what kind of germs on it, but it helps. If only a little. And in many ways it shows how bad it's gotten...

And often I play with Kitty, hold her close to her, pet her and stroke her softly while she sits on my lap. I fill with such strong feelings when I hear her purr, and when she turns to look me in the eyes and squint from pleasure. But then she'd run away after a while, and continue her own life, while leaving me feeling empty inside...

I mean for much too long I've had to go through life completely alone... Recently I realised that it's been more than ten years since I separated from my parents. I was just a teen then, but I had to live on my own and do everything myself. Nobody took care of me... nobody. I survived... I did well, I achieved a lot, got through university.... but all throughout the years I did it all without much encouragement and love. Two very simple things... but two difficult things to get, two very precious things I long for.

And all the while I give people so much without thinking much about myself. Not that I'm a saint or martyr... but it seems like I've been taking care of all these people around me, like friends and family, but I've been forgetting the most important person of all: me! To be neglected by others is bad enough, but to neglect yourself makes it a whole lot worse...

Really, the root of the problem is I'm not 'happy' with myself. I don't really accept myself as I am, and even when people say that I amaze them with the things I do and have experienced, deep down inside I reject those praises and think I don't deserve any of that. Such low self-esteem, perhaps even self-loathing... how can I ever attract love when I do not give it to myself?

At the same time, the nightmares of the past that have made me feel so poor about myself continue to be there. All the while, I continue to be living with my brother who is/was the source of a lot of the misery and pain in my childhood... I want to escape, I want to get away,
which explains maybe my constant urge to go to the beach and watch the sea. Watching all that roaring rage of nature seems to be calming, if only for a moment. But nothing compares to the emotional tsunamis wreaking chaos inside my mind and body...

Perhaps I'm a masochist, wanting to punish myself, even though I don't enjoy it at all. And I realise that I'm continuously hurting myself and limiting myself every single moment I'm stuck with the past. And I'm terribly unhappy stuck living with my brother and the girlfriend. I'm wanting for anything to escape this prison... waiting for opportunities to start my own life fresh and anew, and to cut off all of this excess baggage that's been pulling my life down and down.

And it's hard... again, going back to that self-esteem problem, I feel like I don't know what I want to do. Everywhere I look for jobs, I feel like I'm not suitable or qualified enough... why would they want me, when everyone seems to be better? If I can't even convince myself that I'm better, how can I convince an employer? I did apply to this 'dream job', which would give me the money and ability to get away from this loveless home and start life fresh in another country... but the I've not heard anything from them, and it looks like it's a lost cause.....

So I'm back to this moment, in the here and now. Unhappy, confused, constantly complaining and feeling the frustration and lost feelings boiling inside of me... And I'm stuck here... hopeless and tired. Wondering, wondering and dreaming and sleeping... while the days go by...

But my friend was right though... sometimes you just need to get very low before you go up again. It's a cycle... dip before a rise, just like everything else in life. Just ride it, just go with it, and 'enjoy' the depression.

It will pass...
It will pass...
It will pass...

Thank you, dear friend.

Ich bin ich

"Gehör ich hier denn noch dazu
Oder bin ich längst schon draussen?
Zeit nimmt sich den nächsten Flug
Hab versucht ihr nachzulaufen.

Bin doch gestern erst geborn’ und seit kurzem kann ich gehen
Hab mein Gleichgewicht verlorn’ doch kann trotzdem g’rade stehn.

In meinem Kopf ist so viel Wut
Gestern Nacht konnt ich nicht schlafen
Dass Du da warst tat mir gut
Bitte stell jetzt keine Fragen
Denn ich würde nur bereun
Hätt ich mich an Dir verbogen
War bestimmt nicht immer treu
Doch ich hab Dich nie betrogen.

Das bin ich, das bin ich,
Das allein ist meine Schuld
das bin ich. Das bin ich, das bin ich,
Das allein ist meine Schuld.

Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich , das allein ist meine Schuld
Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich das allein ist meine Schuld.

Ich muss mich jetzt nicht finden
Darf mich nur nicht verliern.
Bin doch gestern erst geborn’ und seit kurzem kann ich gehen,
Hab mein Gleichgewicht verlorn’ doch kann trotzdem g’rade stehn.

Ich bin jetzt, ich bin hier, ich bin ich , das allein ist meine Schuld
Ich bin jetzt ich bin hier ich bin ich das allein ist meine Schuld.

Wir sind jetzt, wir sind hier, wir sind wir, das allein ist unsre Schuld
Wir sind jetzt, wir sind hier, wir sind wir, das allein ist unsere Schuld

Gehör ich hier denn noch dazu?

TRANSLATION
Do I still belong here
Or have I long since been on the outside?
Time takes the next flight
Did try to run after it.

Was first born yesterday, and only recently I can walk
Have lost my balance, but still can stand tall

In my head there is so much anger
Last night I could not sleep
That you were there did me good
Please ask no questions now
Because I would only regret it
If I bent myself for you
I certainly wasn't always faithful
But I never betrayed you

That is me, that is me
That alone is my fault
That is me, that is me, that is me
That alone is my fault

I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault
I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault

I don't have to find myself now
I only mustn't loose myself
Was first born yesterday, and only recently I can walk
Have lost my balance, but still can stand tall

I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault
I am now, I am here, I am me
That alone is my fault

We are now, we are here, we are we
That alone is our fault
We are now, we are here, we are we
That alone is our fault

Do I still belong here?

About a boy

There once was a boy. A small boy, who kept himself smaller than he was.
But in truth he was big inside, for he had a big heart and a big imagination.
He was able to see the world, feel its miseries, and share its laughter.
He was lonely, and had no family close to him.
But he did not despair, and he lived life and lived it to the fullest.

The saddest song would make his eyes tear.
The most touching moment would make his heart sigh.
He saw beauty in nature, and he saw good in people.
From this he created a world of fantasies and fancies.
He had hopes, he innocently dreamt of a world of peace, of happiness and love.

The boy had a lot to endure, and felt the weight of the world on his tiny shoulders.
Traumas scarred and scared him, but he fought on.
He told himself he would grow stronger, and endure,
To let all the bad things go by and continue to live
To continue to see the world with all the beauties and hopes it had to offer.

But people never took much notice of him, or what he needed the most.
Nobody would ask him what he was thinking, what he was feeling,
Yet all he needed was someone to talk to, someone to hold.
People went and came, took what he had to give,
And left him alone, and beckoning to be touched,
Longing to be loved.

With the passing of time, that boy grew.
At first he clung onto his fantasies and dreams,
At first he said to himself that things would get better.
But life continued to disappoint,
People continued to hurt him
Coming and going, hurrying on and leaving the boy behind.

He turned bitter, and began to wilt
Like a flower, once in bloom and brightly coloured,
The boy's character faded.
Those hopes of peace and happiness seemed to be smothered
In constant fears and nightmares.

And he was left confused and hurting,
Realising what was happening to him.
He had long ago promised to himself that the world would not swallow him,
That he would always cling onto his innocence and purity.
But bit by bit the darkness crept up
And drained the souls of hope from inside him.

He saw himself die little by little,
And silently watched his innocent slip away like sand.
And it hurt him so, but he could not cry,
However much he tried.
Like a lost body without direction, without a destination
He goes from day to day,
But can no longer see the light of day.

Deep down inside, he trembles and shakes,
In the vain wish that someone would notice.
Deep down inside, he still hopes and pray,
That one day that another would come
And refill that void inside.

I wonder where the boy went...?

ARGH!

Suddenly feel so frustrated, and I have no idea why! The weather's turned great, and finally there's the feel that it's summer, but not happy :(

Went to work, spent a few hours trying to work on thesis, but instead made me feel like I have no idea what I'm writing about... And the whole office building was almost completely empty, because everyone was away on holiday. So it was even more quiet than usual, like I was the only person there... I really could feel the loneliness building up again, because I haven't spoken to anyone for days...

At five I decided to go home early, but while cycling home I felt so miserable. Everyone seems to be so happy, enjoying the sun and sitting outside the terraces. And I... I don't even feel like going home... don't feel like going back to that place where people scream and shout at seven in the morning already!

I just feel like getting away... just want to get away from all this, get away from everything that's irritating me! But where to...? What would I do there by myself...? Driving me nuts...

So angry for some reason, like I want to just scream or break something!!! It's such a terrifying thought, because I don't usually feel like this! But I don't really know why...

ARGHHHHH!!!

A boom boom ba

A nice song.... and a beautiful clip that just melts your heart.

A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba
A-boom boom ba

Can you hear my heart beat in this bond
Do you know that behind of this bond
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire I'm in love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may
All my dreams to be all I can do
Only I love, only love
And you say I knew we should find a new way
Make a wonderful love if I may

Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Do you know that behind of this hurt
Lies the deep desire can you love hey
Make a wonderful love if I may

Make a wonderful love if I may
Make a wonderful love if I may
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt
Can you hear my heart beat in this hurt

Crazy weather

Sitting at my office, just a little before seven in the evening.

Outside it's thundering and pouring with rain, like I've rarely seen before in this country. Since my office is the attic, and there are seven roof windows, it's sooo loud. It's quite nice to watch the rain smash against the window, and slide down the glass like waterfalls. The clouds are so dense and so dark, it reminds me of 'Armageddon' for some reason...

Can't really concentrate on my work, so that's why I'm writing this, hoping by the time I finish, the storm will have passed away.

Almost.

Splat!

There was mist close to the ground, hovering just above the grass. It was humid, and the ground was wet from the thunderstorm during the day. But this evening the sky had cleared, giving way to a humid and warm feeling in the forest.

I walked around a bit, getting my daily need of fresh air, and opportunity to get out of the house. Because the ground was damp still, there were slugs and snails almost everywhere on the paths. I tread very carefully not to kill them, and reminded myself of what happened last time I accidentally killed one.

Walking, walking, after a while I really had to... 'go'. I looked around, and there really was nobody, so I walked behind a big, big tree, and silently excused myself to the tree for what I had to do. It was dark in the forest, and the tree bark was dark too from the rainwater. There was a brown thing that was stuck on the bark, and I thought it was just a leaf. Feeling playful I aimed at that thing, thinking the leaf would 'wash away'. But it didn't.

Instead, the leaf curled up and started to crawl, very, very, very slowly. "Oh, oh..." I thought to myself, as I quickly turned to aim somewhere else. "What have I done now...?"

Walking home, I was still feeling sorry for what I had just pee-ed on. And I was even more careful not to step on any snails, thinking I'd hurt one too many today.

Suddenly a splat! And a few centimetres from my foot was a wet pile of white poo, freshly landed on the pavement.

There was a relief that I didn't get hit. But then again, I realised that it was a warning too.

A close one.