What kind of tree am I?

OK... a minute after finishing that previous post, I read this email forward:

WHAT TREE ARE YOU?
Find your birthday and then find your tree. This is really cool and somewhat
accurate. Then send it to your friends, including the one that sent it to
you, so they can find out what tree they fell from, but don't forget to
change the subject line to your tree. Find your tree below and see what you
are like...

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree
Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree
Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree
Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree
Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree
Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree
(etc. etc. etc.)

Seeing that I'm a "Pine Tree", I scrolled down to find this:

Pine Tree (Peacemaker) -- loves agreeable company, craves peace and harmony,
loves to help others, active imagination, likes to write poe! try, not
fashion conscious, great compassion, friendly to all, falls strongly in love
but will leave if betrayed or lied to, emotionally soft, low self esteem,
needs affection and reassurance.

Made me : )

Détente

It started with a broken bike. Somehow the front wheel managed to become crooked, on the same day my brother took the bike out. After parting with an unbelievable €80 for repairs, I came home, and spoke to my brother.

He denied ever having taken the bike out, and denied having anything to do with the broken bike. I was irritated, and stormed out of the living room. Later the girlfriend came, and relayed what my brother wanted to say to me. As if that--the fact that he didn't even have the decency to talk to me directly-- added fuel to the anger, I went back to the living room, and confronted him. This poor state of affairs at home has gone on long enough.

I didn't mind much if he didn't want to pay for the bike, but I just couldn't stand this 'cold war' between us any longer. It was ridiculous, childish, and getting tiresome. At first he didn't want to talk, but the girlfriend insisted that we get things out in the open.

It felt like one of those denunciation sessions so prevalent in Maoist China. One side raised accusations of what wrongs the other had done, while the other rebutted with counter-arguments and -accusations.

So... I was accused of neglecting household chores... I retaliated by asking them wh I should have pick up the used plates and banana peels and moulding coffee mugs after them. I'm supposed to be treating this place like a hotel, and just coming home to sleep... well, I have work and I study... do you want me to stay home and be a house-maid?I was further accused of taking the bike on Saturdays which prevented them going to the supermarket... I said I can't change the fact that I work on Saturdays, and that my work requires a bike. I was said to not be taking part in their activities, and keeping all to myself in my room... I didn't deny this, but I have my reasons. Why and how do they expect me to 'be involved' when whatever I say something seems to be treted like a passing breeze? What did I ever do wrong to be treated like this? How can you justify that arrogant and condescending tone of disgust and disdain whenever my name is mentioned? I reminded him of how I cared about him having to go to the hospital recently, and how he rebuffed my concern for his health with a cold shoulder. There was no reply.

He piled argument after argument of the 'wrongs' I've done, and after a while I just accepted, and conceded. There's really no point arguing. OK, I admit I may not be completely innocent, and really have been neglecting my chores at home. OK, I really have been coming home late and going out early... I wasn't out for an argument or to make things worse. I just wanted to talk things over, to end this intolerable stalemate, and see how we could resolve this.

Eventually, the accusations stopped, and we both softened. My brother then mentioned that good-will gift he gave me for Christmas which has been sitting idly at the staircase for two weeks. On this I gave in too, and accepted his gesture. There really wasn't any need to be stubborn and refuse someone's good intentions. Nobody gains from that, and by accepting his gift, we can all have some peace and quiet and feel less animosity toward the other. And of course I stand to gain a bit more too.

So... I guess things are 'thawing'. I went for a long walk on the beach last night, sat in the sand and wind, and thought about the things said and events passed.

Some bits made me laugh, at the ridculousness and futility of some of the arguments. So many things could have been worked out before they developed into misunderstandings and tensions, had we just talked, really just talked. But because we never tried to talk things through, a lot of the frustration and intolerance has been just accumulating and waiting to explode.

Some bits made me wonder... wonder whether I handled the whole experience like the compassionate and forgiving person I hope to be, and whether I've actually learnt anything from all that meditation and teachings of loving-kindness and non-self in this past year. Why do I still get angry, irritated and have bad-feelings toward people, when I very well know some people just can't change? I'm no angle either, and in every argument there are two parties involved.

Sitting there, in total darkness, and in total isolation, I did feel something.

A little lighter.

Toys

I know he's not my son. But I love him like I've not loved anyone for a long, long time. And I don't love easily.

After studying today I went into town in the evening. The shops were still open, and I wandered around a bit, into a few department stores. Strangely, I seem to become interested in the baby section, something I never even would have thought or considered visiting. Before Sunny was born that is.

And I wandered into a toy store, stayed there for a while, glancing around, looking at toys. Something I've not done for a long time. I was reminded of the toy I bought Sunny two weeks ago... the one that got stolen, but I managed to buy again. Somehow it didn't matter how much it cost, and even though I spent the money twice, watching him play and enjoy it was worth it. Worth a whole lot more.

I stood at the baby section at the toy store, deep down wondering what I could get him next.

Deep down, thinking he deserves what I did not have.

Winter blues...

Munching on endless amounts of chocolate, feeling so drowsy and lethargic, staying in bed and under the covers, napping whenever I have the chance... It's official.

I'm having a bout of winter blues. And I can't remember the last time it was so bad. Even going out for a long, long stroll in the forest in the rain this afternoon didn't help much. The weather, the gray, overcast skies, the dim light and absence of sun. Cold, damp, depressing.

Though I did see things that make me smile temporarily. Like this:

... which reminded of the jokes that start with 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' I guess it works with geese too.

Feeling better

Had the strangest dream last night... perhaps even a nightmare. Dead zombies walking, like those in that (horrible I-don't-recommend-you-watch) movie Night of the Living Dead I watched with my mum-friend last week. These disgusting zombies would prowl the streets and bite people, and those people would in turn turn into zombies too. I was somehow immune, or at least had 'superpowers' like Neo in The Matrix... which meant I could fly and travel back and forth in time to save the world. And save the world I did.

It was pretty intense, and when I woke up I felt exhausted and still very tired, all curled up in bed. At noon.

Though, just as I thought it was going to be a(nother) lousy start to the day in the new year, things didn't turn out to be so bad. Had lunch and worked more on my paper, and made a lot of progress, which made me feel happy (and smart). I guess it may be true what they say about dreams/nightmares, and how they're supposed to be a way to 'exorcise' bad feelings and spirits from your real life.

Been working and reading a lot on war crimes, and some cases from the Yugoslav Tribunal, and others pending at the International Criminal Court. Rape, murder, mutilation, genocide, child soldiers, slavery, sexual abuse, pillage, torture... horrible, horrible accounts of what (wo)man can and do do to (wo)man.

It makes you wonder why, why in this world and in this life anyone would and could hate and hate another human being so much so as to make him/her suffer pain and trauma and death. Where do those feelings of compassion, morality, humanity, and innocence go (or hide?) when these monstrous thoughts and acts take over that compell people do commit such hideous crimes?

And as a lawyer when you read these accounts, the trials and the setences it's just something to be analysed, to be deciphered and decoded in order to get the legal principles and arguments. At times it seems as if it doesn't matter what acts were committed or what the consequences are. What matters is whether the law can punish the perpetrator, and how. It's called doing justice, where justice was infringed on, even though justice cannot undo the scars and deaths. It's called detaching yourself from the case. It's called being professional.

It's the reason why I can never be a lawyer.

Piano man

Heard Billy Joel’s ‘Piano Man’ on the radio just now, one of my favourite of all time, and made me cheer up. Life is not so bad after all…

New year's day

It's the new year. What have I been doing since 2007 begun?

At home, alone, working.

Midnight came and went last night. I meditated just before the stroke of 12, hoping to calm my mind and send good thoughts to the rest of the world. To be honest, listening and reading to the news, about all the bloodshed, destruction and death the world appears pretty hopeless. But every little bit of good and kind thought counts, I guess. Or at least I hope.

Compared to what I was feeling and wrote last year, this year really hasn’t started off too well.
Still in a low, lazy mood at the moment, and my study plans aren't going all that well. For some reason when I do something my heart is not there, and keeps wandering, keeps evading reality, even though the reality is that the exam and paper is in less than a week's time. The last time I had exams right after the so-called 'holidays' was in high school... so this really needs getting some used to again. And looking out the window this evening I realise it's a full moon. Maybe that's why I've been feeling down...

Fireworks at Taipei101

The annual New Year’s firework display at Taipei 101! I was there last year, and it’s pretty amazing to see it live! (scroll down to the bottom of the page!)

Wish for the new year...

May all beings be happy,
May all beings be peaceful,
May all beings be harmonious,
May all beings be liberated,

May all beings be filled with compassion,
May all beings be filled with loving-kindness.
May all beings be free from all kinds of suffering.

Just before the new year

I'm not sure what it is. I'm having one of those 'lazy' and 'feeling low' days today, even though outside fireworks have been exploding left and right. Four hours and counting to the new year, and usually I'd feel inspirational, hopeful and at least a little merrier, but no, not now, not this time.

It's been like this since I got back from France two days ago. The 'promises' I made to myself to get lots of studying and research done didn't go very well. Instead, I've been reading other things and piecing together this puzzle I bought for myself for Christmas. Besides that, I slept, because for some reason I still feel so exhausted from the trip.

I think part of the reason for feeling a bit down is because I can't get over feeling guilty over what I did, or rather did not do, which is accept that gift from my brother. I think it's probably offending me more than offending him, in that I feel bad rejecting his good will. I'm not angry at him, but more at myself now... And the more I think about it, I more I'm beginning to wonder why I have to be so... 'mean'. It's the new year, and why start the new year on bad terms?

I guess another reason is because I feel kind of lonely too... Usually spending new years alone at home doesn't bother me much, but this time around it somehow does. Is it because of the stories and fantasies I've been writing? The kind of warmth and love I can so easily put into words, but sadly cannot feel or be touched by. Perhaps. Perhaps...

Hm, french fries are being warmed up in the oven. I'll go stir-fry some veggies, and pour myself a glass of wine. Dinner for one.

Peace on earth

Woke up this morning to this song on the radio.
There's no better way to bid farewell to the old year, and welcome the new.

May there be peace on earth.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn
(Marco Borsato)

Door kapotgeschoten straten,

zonder vader zonder land.

Loop je hulpeloos verlaten

aan je moeders warme hand.

Als een schaap tussen de wolven,

haar bestemming onbekend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand ziet hoe klein je bent.

Morgen zal het vrede zijn.

Zal de zon je strelen.

Zal de wereld weer een speeltuin zijn,

en kun je rustig spelen.

Na de winter komt de lente,

wordt de grijze lucht weer blauw.

Maar al ben je uit de oorlog,

gaat de oorlog ooit uit jou?

Mooie ogen zijn vergiftigd,

zijn aan het geweld gewend.

En niemand ziet hoe klein je bent,

niemand zien hoe klein je bent.

Tomorrow it shall be peace

Through bullet-ridden streets,

With no father, with no country,

You helplessly walk alone,

In your mother’s warm hand.

Like a sheep between the wolves,

Its destination unknown.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.

Tomorrow it shall be peace,

The sun shall caress you.

The world shall be a playground again,

And you can calmly play.

After the winter comes the spring,

The gray sky becomes blue again.

But even if you were away from the war,

Is the war ever away from you?

Beautiful eyes are poisoned,

Are used to the violence.

And no one sees how small you are,

No one sees how small you are.]

New story online!!!

A story I wrote for the Winter Anthology of Gay Authors is online! : )
The story is specially dedicated to a friend who passed away recently.

Hope you'll enjoy it, and feel free to tell me what you think!

Rejection

I feel uneasy. That gift, all wrapped-up and shining and waiting at my door was still at my door when I got home this evening. I had more or less decided what to do when I left a few days ago to Strasbourg. And just now I went to see my brother and thanked him for the gift, but then told him that I don’t want to accept it.

He said nothing. At least not to me, and just mumbled something to his girlfriend, shaking his head at the same time. As if what I just did was the most unbelievable thing in the world. And that made me feel like the guilty one.

Moments later, the girlfriend came to see me, and started off with chit-chat. But as was expected asked why I don’t want the gift. I said it loud and clear: why give me a gift when you don’t even treat me like a normal person throughout the year? Is this one gift now supposed to make that all better?

But now, thinking back, and looking at the gift on the corridor, I feel bad. Am I a terrible person to turn down someone’s good-will? Why am I not grateful for what I can receive, but instead so full of anger and stubbornness? Am I not foolishly standing by ‘principles’, but unable to see that someone is trying to reach out? It’s just a gift… but behind it, and accepting it, means so much more. Or am I just making things more complicated and guilty of ruining what little is left of our relationship?

Torn.

Home again

(For more pictures, go here!)

I'm going to miss the way he hugs me. The way he makes babbly baby sounds close to my ear, and most of all, I'll miss falling asleep next to his soft, warm breathing.

Maybe Sunny will wake up and wonder where that 'stranger' went. The one who's been bathing him, pampering him in the last couple of days, and picking him up into the air with his arms spread wide open like a free, soaring bird.

How quickly the last couple of days went. Unwillingly, I left Strasbourg at sevenish in the morning, when the rest of the world seemed still sound asleep. It was freezing cold, and though it hasn't snowed yet, the damp dew covered the forests and meadows outside the window with a coating of white. A winter wonderland, full of magic, full of surprises.


I didn't do much actually, besides eat and take things slow and easy. I did some shopping rounds for my friend, at the usually 'hyper-market' Auchan, and even popped over to Germany to store up on baby food and diapers. The little town of Kehl doesn't have much attractions to visit, but prices are sometimes half that compared to France. I even found the play-thing I wanted to get Sunny but got stolen in Brussels. His mum was overjoyed when she saw what I bought (again!), since it was exactly what she had been planning to buy as well.

After a half-hour of assembly, the baby-gym was ready, and Sunny was put to the test. It's quite a fun toy, he seemed to love it the moment he got his eyes and hands laid on the animated figures and stuffed animals suspended on an arch in mid-air. I watched him play, giggle and fidget with his hands and legs. In his cute little outfits, he looked so innocent, so vulnerable, yet somehow seemed to radiate with such life and love.


Though all of that didn't make the thoughts of two looming exams and a paper due next week go completely away. Even though I had my books with me, it was only until this morning in the train that I started studying. But pub-crawling with my friend last night meant instead of absorbing the cases and judgements, I was more absorbed by sleep. With beautiful thoughts, of a beautiful baby I was leaving behind.

Arrived in Brussels around noon, and to be frank didn't feel like going home (just yet). It's really been a while since I bought anything for myself. Funny, the moment I walked through the door a few days ago, my mum-friend immediately noticed how 'smart' I look, and how firm my bum had become since we last met... I blushed, but then again she really is someone who knows the latest about fashion. Bright colours and accessories like a scarf and trendy belt, she's being saying to me ever since we've known each other. With that in mind, I ventured the streets and shops of Brussels and decided to be good to myself for a change. One shop had the slogan:

"Your clothes say who you are. What do you want them to say?"

Confident. Secure. Warm. Approachable. Lovable. That's what. As my wallet got a bit lighter, I could feel my lugguage and self-confidence get a bit weightier. Bought a couple of sweaters and jumpers, one pink, one snow-white with light horizontal green stripes, and another orange. And my tattered trousers I traded in for two pairs of slick, slim-waist jeans. I was smiling. It's almost the new year, and I guess it's time to make resolutions (again), to be more outgoing and self-loving. As much as I believe it's what's inside that matters, clothes do help.

The rest of the journey home was hectic. Again, like so many times before in Belgium, the train had problems and simply got cancelled. So hundreds of other passengers heading towards the Netherlands had to haul their lugguage up and down platforms, change and transfer and run and wait in the cold until finally after an hour a replacement train service came. It was packed, and I ended up riding two hours sitting by the door between two carriages, next to the toilet. It was loud, smelly, and there was no central heating.

But soon I was home again.

Strasbourg: Ville de Lumiere

Here are some wonderful pictures of Strasbourg at night. Enjoy!

Strasbourg Noël 2006 V
Strasbourg Noël 2006 IV
Strasbourg Noël 2006 III
Strasbourg Noël 2006 II
Strasbourg Noël 2006

Christmas in Strasbourg

I nearly tripped over a big present placed by my bedroom door when I woke up two days ago. I didn’t open it. Why give me a present when you don’t even have the decency to treat me, let alone speak to me, like a normal human being throughout the year? Is this one present supposed to make all those bad vibes, all the mess and temperaments go all away? I closed the door of my house behind me. The air was fresh, cold, and free.

The frozen forest floor and creeks rolled by, and trees were sprinkled with fine powders of white. The train chugged through the mountains, sometimes slow, sometimes speeding along passed quaint little villages and valleys in the picturesque landscape of northern Europe, toward Strasbourg, toward my home for the next few days.

It wasn’t a smooth journey to start with. When transferring in Brussels, someone took my a piece of my luggage ‘without asking’. A few days ago a friend of mine got robbed of everything in Belgium too, and I had promised myself to be more careful. But alas! It was the biggest and most beautiful one, all wrapped up and shining in green paper, with colourful butterflies and ribbons. Inside was a toy for baby Sunny, a play-mat the baby can lie on and exercise his hands and fingers on the rattling puppets and balls that are suspended in mid-air. I was upset for a few moments, wondering what bad things are coming my way. Once I settled into my seat, my mind settled too. Maybe I deserved this bad karma, for the way I reacted to the good-intentions of my brother earlier in the morning. Besides, someone, somewhere will be happy…

It’s been more than six months since I was last here. And how baby Sunny has grown! Before he couldn’t even sit up, and his neck wasn’t stiff enough to support his head. The moment I entered, his mum greeted me with Sunny in her arms. He was a little bedazzled, perhaps shocked to feel the cold cheeks of this stranger who had just walked through the door, and entered his world. Yet soon, as I held him in my arms, in his eyes was a look as if he knows me, as if he remembers. Those two months before, and after, his birth were worth it. Later I heard from his mum that whenever strangers hold him, Sunny would start crying and kicking. But in my arms he was quiet, still… and warmed me.

I’ve been playing and lying around him a lot in the past few days, admiring him, teasing him, adoring him, while reconnecting with his mum. He likes to flap his arms around, to feel and put anything and everything into his mouth. Somehow he has this fascination with my watch, and it tickles whenever he’s little hands and little fingers latch and fumble around my wrist. He likes to poke, to scratch and grab. “Aslon… Aslon…”, you call, and he answers by turning to look at you, with deep innocent eyes. He can’t walk yet, but if you hold him by the arms, he can just about stand. His legs would kick and try to stand up straight, before his wobbly knees send his chubby little body jiggling and wriggling in a baby dance.

He can already babble, gargle, and giggle. When you pull faces at him, he smiles and laughs and sometimes even rewards you with a show of support by clapping his hands and feet together. His laugh can melt your heart, make you smile and forget the troubles of the world. An adorable little being, full of life, full of love, and so much more. Sometimes he’d clamber onto my chest, flap around a bit, stare into my eyes, and mumble before falling asleep. I’d close eyes too, close my arms around him, and dream. The soft, warm feel of his breathing so very soothing.

My friend has had it rough in the last few months, having to juggle studies with a baby, but despite the dark rings around her eyes from the lack of sleep, I’m glad she and Sunny have managed to do so well, together. She kept on thanking me, saying how she and Sunny couldn’t have made it without me. But I just smile, and blush. I did what I could, and nothing more.

Christmas day we went to a friends place for lunch. There was so much food, and wonderful wine, and tonnes of chocolates and local delicacies to be had. A decorated tree stood in the corner, its base brimming with gifts. Two little boxes, and an oil painting, were for me. My friend had done a beautiful portrait of my sweet cat. Carefully I opened one of the little boxes, to reveal a sleeping angel, its face tranquil, serene and peaceful.

“That’s you, Dave. You’re our angel.” I smiled and blushed, and felt my insides swell with indescribable feelings. For a moment it was as if I could feel the tears, too, swell.

The next box came as an even bigger surprise. Under soft, satin cloth was a glistening expensive watch. Speechless, I was, and wondered what I ever did to deserve such a precious gift, and so much more from my friend.

In return, I gave her what little I could afford.

A hug.

And so this is Christmas...

And so this is Christmas

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The war is so long
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear

And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear ones
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun

(John Lennon)

Dear friends

So I wandered the cold, cold streets at night for a while. My breath blurred my vision as I walked aimelessly in the empty streets. Peering into windows, families were sitting at the dinner table, dining, bonding, sharing amid twinkling last and an open fire.

Feeling upset I called a friend, just to talk. Within the next minute, he told me to wait. He was coming to meet me. For him to get to where I was he had to travel almost an hour, yet he was willing to do so. Just for a chat, to share a drink, to make me feel and know I'm not alone.

Just for me. As we parted later in the night, as I watched him walk away, I felt myself smile and warm up inside. What did I do to deserve such a kind, selfless gesture? And in a few more hours another friend will receive me, take me in, give me the warmth and hugs I need over the Christmas period.

How wonderful it is to have friends... friends who come to you when you least expect it, when you most need them most.

Ridiculous

I'm going out. More like forced out.

Came home just now after work to a house party. Not even the decency to tell me before hand there was going to be a party. Such bad attitude, treating me like I shouldn't even be there. And yet the table is set, with me included. Do they really expect me to eat with them? Just thinking about it I've lost my apetite.

I'm just going to go wander the streets for a few hours. Anything, anywhere to be away from here. But it's freezing, freezing cold out there...

Tomorrow I'll be gone.

Call before Christmas

A call to my parents before Christmas.

As we were talking, mum started sniffing.
Christmas and holiday seasons children go home,
And families are reunited.
Her colleagues talk of the warmth and love
When their children come home.
But I'm not anywhere home.

How guilty she felt, mum said.
It was thirteen when she left,
Thirteen when I was alone for the first time.
I cried at Christmas, at New Years, at Easter too.
But that was then.
And this is now.
The holidays have lost their meaning,
The time for reunion have lost their effect.
And I cry no more.

But mum did, and today still does.

Commercial Christmas

Almost twelve hours of deep, deep sleep later, I was fresher, livelier than before. The sun was shining, it was a new day.

A friend invited a bunch of us to go to her place for lunch. A nice little village close to Leiden, and for the first time ever I rode in a car which came with a diplomatic license and driver. Speed, honk, drive carelessly, and the moment people see the license plate they keep their distance. But being (self-proclaiming moral) international lawyers we knew not to abuse diplomatic immunities.

Turned out I was the only guy there. Well, it wasn't so bad, not when they were babbling about how and where to get a perm, what lotions to use, facials, back-scrubs and toe-nail painting. We did talk about other more normal things.... swinger clubs (which was apparently just around the corner in the middle of farmer country), mistresses, sugar-daddies, trios, drink and drugs. Funny.

One of them is about to give birth soon, so we talked about tips and exchanged experiences. To them I seemed like the 'perfect' guy... caring, kind, can cook and sensitive. When we somehow got onto the topic of star signs, the fact that I'm a Pisces made them swoon. "Oooh, Pisces are the most romatic guys".

I couldn't help but blush.

Well, Christmas shopping still had to be done, so afterwards we headed into town. For the next few hours wandered the streets prowling, with bank cards ready to swipe, and swipe again. To be honest, I don't like shopping, especially when you have to fight your way to the cashier with people hauling bigger bags than Santa Claus himself. But somehow Christmas has become a shopper's worst nightmare, and sacred heaven at the same time. Just look around you... where does it seem immune to the spread of that age-old Christmas spirit of commercialism and buying binges? Christmas carols that normally seemed so tranquil and so soothing had somehow morphed into the hypnotising songs of mercantilism conveying the subtle message of buy, buy, buy!

I got what I wanted for my mother-friend, her little baby, and some others. Beaten, tired, drained of money, I headed home, with full bags of goodies and gifts, yet emptily wondering whether Christmas meant much more.

And my doubt was, somehow, just answered by a beautiful, beautiful song...

Till I had you I didnt know
That I was missing out
Had to grow up and see the world
Through different shades of doubt
Give me one more chance to dream again
One more chance to feel again
Through your young heart
If only for one day let me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was mine
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

I see the rain, you see the rainbow hiding in the clouds
Never afraid to let your love show
Wont you show me how
Wanna learn how to believe again
Find the innocence in me again
Through your young heart
Help me find a way, help me try

I wanna see Christmas through your eyes
I want everything to be the way it used to be
Back to being a child again thinking the world was kind
I wanna see Christmas, Christmas through your eyes

"True friend"

I just got this from a friend. It's one of these forward-to-so-and-so-number-of-people-and-your-wish-will-come-true emails. Well, I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to select who is a friend, and who is not. But if you're reading this, you must be, or at least could be. Which means "my true love" won't appear at midnight ... ...but I have friends. -------- I like you because of who you are to me... A true friend . And if I don't get this back I'll take the hint Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at 1:00-4:00 PM tomorrow. It could be anywhere -- Get ready for the biggest shock of your life. Please send to 5 people in 5 minutes . Remember: "A good friend will come bail you out of jail.... But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying . WE screwed up, but we had fun! " Proud to be your Friend! Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence, and don't skip ahead . I've learned...that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. I've learned...that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. I've learned...that money doesn't buy class. I've learned...that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. I've learned...that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. I've learned...that the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can? I've learned...that to ignore the facts does not change the facts. I've learned...that the less time I have to work, the more things I get done. To all of you...make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence. It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND, even if it means sending it back to the person who sent it to you . If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends. HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!!!!!! YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I am honoured.

It's almost Christmas...

Oh, that wonderful feeling.

It started the moment I put the last punctuation mark on my exam this morning. No more international law... no more assignment deadlines... no more pre-exam sleeplessness nights... at least for the next couple of days.

Had to quickly go straight to work after the exam, but I was feeling somewhat lighter. As the day went by, filled with hours and hours of stuffing envelops and sticking stamps at work, I realised how tired I was. Three hours or so I slept last night...sometime between 3am and 6am. And despite feeling that adrenaline rush just before and after the exam the drowsy feeling and sore eyes started to show.

I really don't like talking about exams after it... and like it even less when people insist on discussing what you put for this and that question. But I guess on the whole I did well, or at least, well enough to pass . And just now I received an email from the lecturer of the other course I was doing this term (International Relations), and I managed to pass with a 9. The lecturer added he actually has "never given a higher mark" before! : ) He even said I met the test of an "advanced Master student with honour". I think it's the paper I did... a critical assessment of the EU's human rights dialogue with China, written in almost as many words as a full masters thesis. Maybe I'll post it up sometime, because even I'm very satisfied with it (and it isn't often).

So, three months, almost 500hrs of study, four subjects, thousands of pages of readings, two exams, two class presentations, five papers later, I can't believe I'm actually half way through my course already. Two weeks of holidays we have, but in the first week of January we have two exams and one more paper due. Not much of a break from studies I guess.

Next few days I'll just 'shut down' for a short while. I think I deserve, and need it. Two more days, and then I'm off to Strasbourg, to see my friend and her sweet little son. Ironic that I should leave home to be home for Christmas. But then again, family is not always the people you're related to.

Still need to do some first-minute Christmas shopping, send a few warm wishes to people near and far, think of all the people and places that made this year so worthwhile, and me smile. Because...

...it's almost Christmas.


PS:
The paper is uploaded on my other blog!!

Grade!

Just got my grade for my third and last assignment for Public International Law.

Overjoyed, and surprised too, to see I've steadily improved since that 7 I first got in September, and now up to 8.5! : ) Those weeks of reading and writing and long hours in the library really paid off... Which puts me above the class average, and in a more (or less) confident position to face the exam tomorrow!

OK, must study. 19 hours and counting....

Encounter

While taking a break from studying I met an old colleague from the time I worked at the faculty as an intern. His son passed away some months ago while travelling in the Himalayas. He was my age.

I was surprised to see my colleague, and he to see me. How haggered and torn he looked, sorrow written on his face, grief showing through the blank stare in his eyes. I wasn't sure what to say, but, perhaps awkwardly, asked how he was feeling, and how he's been coping.

"It's the darkest period of my life...", he replied, shaking his head, and looking down at the ground.

As he left after our brief encounter, I told him those words I say to everyone whenever I part company with: "Take care..."

And this time I meant it, more and with more meaning, than ever more. He grabbed me by the arm and patted it gently, like a father would. His eyes seemed to shimmer.

His son was my age.

Fog

It's one of those still, silent nights. After ten hours in the library I walked out of the law building, to be confronted with a world shrouded in fog. A surprise, since the whole day the weather had been quite clear and crisp. I guess a lot of things happen when you retreat away from the real world into the supposed black and white world of law.

Cycling home, past the forest and woods, the front lights of my bike created a tunnel of light, beaming ahead of me. All around me, a semi-transparent layer of vapour and cold. Somewhat refreshing, to breathe in, and feel the dew condense inside of you. Somewhat a mysterious feel to everything too, as if everything is veiled over by a thick, thick blanket, whereas I'm the only one speeding ahead, speeding home in the middle of the night.

It was a slow start to study today. Went in early, hoping to get more work done. Chose a place under the huge skylight so as to get plenty of light and sun, and to keep me awake. But it didn't help. Somehow I'm not all that efficient in the morning. After dozing off a couple of times, decided to go out and take a stroll. A breath of fresh air can do wonders, and it really did help.
After I went back in the afternoon, I more or less sat and read, and read....

....and besides the occassional shy, drifting eyes whenever some good-looking guy walked by, I did manage to focus, more or less, and actually understand some of the complicated issues we've been dealing with over the past few months. What wonderful eureka moments, after some muddling around confused and lost, only to have ideas and thoughts suddenly click together like a puzzle!

Two more days to go.

Things people argue about II

Well, I think I should start making a list of things that the others at home argue about.

First, let's not forget the chicken wings. How can we forget the I-suspect-you-have-something-with-the-ex bicker? Then, the toothpast-in-the-sink episode at half past seven in the morning. Once it was about a mutual friend of theirs who came over for dinner more or less unannounced.

Just now, it was the how-many-drawers-do-you-need-to-occupy argument.

It's pretty amusing, and a deserving entertainment break from my studying.

Seven days and counting...

Finally managed to more or less clear away the papers that needed to be finished this term start start studying. Thursday morning, 9am, big exam in Public International Law. I really want to do well in this, because frankly if I don't then it means I'm enrolled in the wrong study. There's a chance to do a resit in March, but I've never ever done a resit in my whole life, and I don't want to start now.

So, around four days of time, diminishing every moment to study. One notebook full of notes, around 500 pages of judgements, a dozen of so articles each around 30 pages long... and not to mention the thick 700 page recommended reading.

Started studying after working for hours in the cold and damp today. Ironically when I got home from work it stopped raining, and the clouds cleared. Enticing as it was to go for a walk, I sat down and read and read. I have this habit of needing to have a pen in hand while I read, ready to jot down anything that may be relevant or important. Most of the notes are illegible and will get thrown out as soon as I finish with the exam. But somehow I find it easier to remember things when I write them down.

Radio playing Christmas songs softly in the background, a large cup of hot tea, and unlimited supplies of chocolate bars and cookies in the cupboard. That's my way. It's worked all these years, so I hope it'll do the same trick, and deliver good results.

As far as today's studying is concerned, it was pretty productive. And re-reading notes and texts again I really could understand and get more of an overview of what we've been doing all this time. Sort of gives a sense of satisfaction when after an hour or so at the desk you leave to take a break and know that you know something.

Four days and counting till the big exam. Seven days and counting till I leave home for Christmas. Funny, while other people seem to be going home, I'm actually doing the opposite. Got an invitation earlier in the week from my single-mum friend to spend Christmas in France. My jumped at the opportunity. I've actually been planning to do so, but wasn't sure whether she'd be available. And now I'll get to spend Christmas with her and her little baby boy. Really looking forward to that.

But first, a couple days of sleeplessness and stress.

What the....

I really don't know what I did wrong. I cook practically everyday and clean up after me.
I gave them gifts for the Dutch version of 'Christmas' a few weeks ago, and there wasn't even a acknowledgement of the gifts, let alone a thank you. I care about their health, whenever they feel unwell. When they need help I help without wanting anything in return. And yet when I'm not needed weeks and months can go by without a single word. Like I'm not even there.

Just as I was stepping out of my room I find a pile of my clean, recently-washed clothes dumped at my door. Not even the decency to give them to me in person. I was sitting two steps away at my desk.

Such inconsideration...

"Tonight"

At work today I found this big die on a colleague's table. It was one of these 'magical eight ball' kind of thing, with words like "now", "later", "tonight", "never" written on all its sides. I guess even lawyers can be indecisive and need chance too.

I held it in my hand and looked at it, amused. Accidentally, it slipped out of my hand. And in that split second as if tumbled through the air I thought to myself, why not. Why not ask a question, and maybe it'll accurately predict the outcome. Without thinking, the question asked itself: "When will I get a boyfriend?" Naive, perhaps. Hopeful, maybe. Desperate, no doubt.

The die fell. Rolled and rolled. Came to a stop.

"Tonight"