Unfinished business

04052012.0138

So many things going through my mind right now... The nature of my random thoughts and disjointed writing style shows just how very scattered and lost my brain is...

I fell asleep, and managed to "sleep" for ten minutes, but was suddenly jolted out of sleep, and now am wide away at 1.42am...

The fact that I am leaving here in a little over 72hours is disturbing me. I feel like there is so much I still need to do, so much I still need to settle before I can board that plane with ease of mind...

Now that mum is/may be leaving hospital and heading home, I need to make the place safe for her and get special equipment in the washroom and toilet to make sure she can safely take care of basic needs. And I will need to tidy up her room, place the new mattress I bought for her on her bed before she returns home. So many things I planned to do before i left home today in a hurry. I never thought mum would be discharged so soon...

...and who will assist her when she showers? Or when she goes to the washroom? She is so weak she can hardly get out of bed without help, without someone having to " lift" her up. Her thin, frail arms have so little strength to prop her own body up...

And who will cook for her? Who will make sure she gets enough nutrients to restore her body to some degree o stable weight and relative good health? Who will monitor her eating and drinking? All I can hear is brother saying "I don't know what to cook..." What can he do then? What is his role in the picture and in the coming two months?

We can maybe ask the carer who's been with mum for the past two weeks to come for a short period of time. But in the long run, we will need to hire a long-term carer to stay with mum due to costs.

All these things here to be done and to think of. But I will have to think of my own life and my exam in a little over ten days!!!

Sleeplessness

Past three in the morning, and I cannot sleep. It's a recurring problem, one I've been having for several days now. I simply cannot sleep, even though I am tired... My mind is bombarded with thoughts and worries...


My mind is so restless, especially with my departure in just a few days. I feel like there still so much I need to do, people I need to see and visit... And the pressure of needing to study, something I've not manages to properly do for days already, is building up...

I've been sticking around Taipei because brother and his family are still away. It's getting ridiculous... Almost three weeks since they returned here, yet it feels as if they never came back! There I was thinking ( dreaming even!!) before they returned I could go off and follow my plans to travel around a bit and relax, and get some proper studying done, but they fell ill and 'fled' to another part of the country. And who must (not that it's a "must" in the sense I have no choice and am unwilling to do so...) stay around and who goes to see mum everyday...? Who brings her food and things she needs from home? Who else is there?

Mum is still in hospital, and it doesn't seem like she can be out before I leave, which is deeply disappointing, and very unsettling. A part of me wants to change my flight and postpone my departure, but I can't afford to put off my studying, can't afford to postpone my exam again, after having done nothing for myself in so many months. And I know mum would not want me to stay longer. As she tells me again and again, as she reassures me again and again, "You've done too much..."

A part of me is worried and thinking too how it will be to go back to my "old" life. I'll have to face friends I've not been in touch with much for months. And I'll have to face my ex, and deal with whatever anger, frustrations and uncertainties that are still lingering around and plaguing our relationship (or whatever it is that we have...). It crossed my mind today that it was one year ago exactly that marked the beginning of how we got to become so estranged, how I increasingly grew distrustful of and disappointed by him... He said he wanted to go to a concert with his friend. I had my reservations, but let him go anyway. He came back and I noticed he was distracted, his heart was not fully there. A week or so later he wanted to separate, and listed a number of things about me that concerned him. But in truth, it was he himself who had divided feelings, who had issues and feelings to resolve. Looking back I feel so foolish for having believed him when he said he wanted to be with me, when he said he loved me. (admittedly, I caused much of this mess when I came between him and his romance, but he decided to be with me. He decided to be with me...)

Now I am not sure what I have to say to him, despite his apparent advances to reach me. I have not even told him I'll be home next week, because he'll just be a distraction. Distraction from my exams, distraction from getting back on my feet and finding the strength to go on and take care of myself. I need to find the will to do something for my own life after such a long time away and such a long time with all my energies focused on taking care of another... What I do not need is to deal with a heartbreak by having (or be given) false hopes of my ex coming back to me, only to realise it's all fantasy and day-dreaming.

I am already so tired, so very tired and about to go through a very rough good-bye, I feel... I am in such a messy state of mind right now, and am so frustrated and tired...

Heading south

It's so beautiful outside the window. Lush mountain ranges, clear, sunny skies. The train is hurtling through the countryside, past little villages, rice paddies and winding roads and creeks.
I was supposed to take my bike and wander through this land on my own for a few days... But I doubt I have the time. I doubt I have the time now, but one day, one day I will accomplish my dream...

This time next week, I should be at the airport about to board my flight. Strange to think now I'm on board a train and heading to a farewell ceremony. I've tried to rest a bit, for I slept poorly last night and woke up in an agitated state of mind, but my mind is restless for some reason...

Seven days

I crouched next to mum's chair and we chatted. The carer joked that it's funny, and sweet, to see a grown boy be so "clingy" and stick around his mother like I do. I think nothing of it. I am the way I am toward my mother. Around her, I behave the way I feel is appropriate and comfortable. Even if it's crouching next to her like a little kid, it doesn't feel awkward of strange. For how many more nights, how many more hours will I be able to be so intimate and close to her? How many more moments can I still reach out and touch her hand, feel the warmth of her body?

No regrets. Life is already too short and often too unpredictable to live with any measure of regret. This sadness I feel inside, which grows ever heavier with each passing day closer to my day of departure, it is not regret. It is a pain from having to leave mum's side at a time when her health condition is still fragile. This time is not like other times before, when I would come back and stay with her until the side-effects of her treatments subside. This time there are no side-effects, just a state of gradual decline of her physical health, and a gradual erosion of her spirits... How painful, how difficult it will be to leave her. And I can't imagine how it will be if I have to leave her and say goodbye if she were still at the hospital. It would be so traumatic, so painful, like never before...

Mum stroked my hair and patted my head. "You have been so good to me... I'm sorry to be moody and to shout at you at times..."

"It doesn't matter. None of it matters..." Tears were wallowing in my eyes. Not because it feels great to know I was wronged and that mum apologised, but because I know a lot of what mum has been feeling, a lot of her anger and moodiness is not because she wants to be like this. A lot of her emotions come from the fact that she's been confined to the same room for so long, and she is not free to come and go like I am. She is not free to walk around, to eat whatever she wants. She is not free from pain, from suffering, from the torments of her physical body and the anguish and frustrations she may feel in her mind...

I wish I could do more, much more than just sit by her side and hold her hand, much more than just massage her sore back and sore arms... But there is only so much I can do, and only so little time I have left to do them.

Departure

What I once called the European Support Team (my brother, sister-in-law and nephew) just left... The taxi came to pick them up and take them to the airport at 5.30. brother will head back to Europe first, while his wife and kid will stay behind a bit longer, and leave most likely at the end of March.

The house is emptier now, quieter. Just mum and I left now. Brother gave me a hug before he left. "Thank you for everything all these months..." It was the first time he really acknowledged what I do here."Think about whether you want to come back here and work a bit..." I didn't say anything. I've been thinking about it too much.

The five week stay has come to an end. So quickly, it seems. I still remember that first night when brother arrived straight from the airport to visit mum at the hospital. She was steadily recovering then, and somehow her condition has gotten much worse, not better now that she's back home. I still remember the moment when mum met her grandchild for the first time... Mum played with him so often it has become part of her routine when she gets up in the morning. She'll sure miss him, for he was her source of inspiration, her sole source of hope and laughter, and of life. I miss already, despite how noisy and unruly he can be at night.

Brother was not always around, but he did what he could with the time he had. Of course, I could always lament him for not doing enough, for not being caring enough, but he is the way he is, and I am sure he is doing what he can. He has a different life from that of mine, different obligations and burdens. He has a family, a wife and child, who depends on him. All I have is a cat, and no one else who really matters or depends on me. At least not any more. I thanked him, as I did before, for bringing my nephew home, for making mum so proud and for giving her so many reasons to smile about. From the long hug he and mum shared just prior to walking out the door, I could see he cares deeply too. How could he not? He is her son too, and she is his mother. We all have different roles to play, and different responsibilities to share.

"I'll have to ask you to cover the costs for going to Canada," brother did not forget to say to me before he left. If all works according to plan, if mum's health is stable enough, and if she manages to recover her strength, the next time this family is reunited may very well be in Canada, in a few months' time. That's a lot of "ifs", but one must be optimistic, be hopeful, and to dream of that moment when all of us are gathered in my little apartment. How beautiful that moment would be... How I long for that day, one day...

I of course will do everything in my power to make sure that happens. This family has gone through so much over the past three, four years, and if there were one immediate wish, it is to come together in Canada. That is my wish as much as mum's, I'm sure. And the planned graduation ceremony in June will be the perfect occasion to bring us all together, to travel together.

Brother left, and the apartment is a little quiter, a little emptier now. Mum went back to sleep, and from her snoring I could tell she's finally managed to doze off, which is a relief after so many, many sleepless nights.

I am on my own now...