End of the class

hey applauded, actually applauded. I stood there with a broad smile and saw smiles of appreciation and interest reflected back, and I was touched. One or two even stood up as they applauded. I felt awkward, not the first time I felt awkward in front of the classroom, but this time I felt awkward even though I knew all that hard work, the dedication and time I put into preparing for this course paid off. Paid off in their smiles, in their intriguing questions, paid off in the ways many of them approached me at the end of every class to thank you for the wonderful and thought provoking way the course has been designed and taught. Or perhaps they were just especially glad because there were juices, fudge brownies, croissants and pains au chocolat to be enjoyed in the very last class. 

It has been a long, and exhausting three months. And I imagine this must be how it is to be a first time lecturer. I remember still how I dreaded the first class, and for the past three months my weekends were basically extended working days. I would stay up till four or five the day before a lecture and be preparing power point slides and flipping through the text book for information and all I can find on a particular topic. It was intense, extremely intense, but at the end of the day, when I see students engage in the materials and present on a topic of their choice and when I see how interested and that "spark" in their eyes, it is all worth it. 

Over the past day or so, I've received emails congratulating me on a job well done, touching messages that soothe the amount of work and sleepless nights I've put into preparing the course. It was all worth, it definitely was all worth it. ("...so graceful, respectful and learned an instructor", was one email).

After class, as I cleared up the room and packed up the decorations, I looked back at the empty classroom. When will be the next time I have another opportunity to stand there, I wondered. And I thought of my parents... Were they there too? Were there at my side in those brief moments of glory, sharing my pride and listening to the applause echo in the room? Were they smiling too? I hope so. I so dearly hope so. 

In fact, on the very last slide, I acknowledged all the people who have helped me, and on the original slides, I put my parents on there (I removed it after someone said it was too personal... But I'll add it again and upload it to the online learning platform for students to download). I stood there and smiled at the students, grateful to them for giving me this opportunity to learn and to grow, and to be "better". As a colleague told me, I have become so much better and have a new found confidence that was not there in the immediate aftermath of losing mum... Yes, the past two years have been dull and grey, and this experience in teaching has allowed me to spark and shine again. A few times, while in front of the classroom, I would look at the back of the room and imagine mum and dad sitting there side by side and smiling back at me. How sweet, yet quietly bitter, that thought is! 

And what now...? 

 

I just finished a grueling few months of work and helped to publish two books, but nothing I can really call my work. I taught a course, and seemed to have inspired students to look into this field as a possible career option. But what about me? What is my career future? 

For some time I have been restless and wanted to move away from here. I just felt I've been staying here in this city for far too long. And I'm on my way to complete the equivalency exams to be eligible to take bar. Yet I so dread to go into legal practice. In fact, the more I hear people in legal practice talk about their work, and the more I see them change and become different people, the less I am inclined to go into that field. 

So what now then? I've had my taste of academic life, and been more or less in it for the past ten years. I've had my experience of teaching and research, despite not having produced much work of my own for some time, and I do generally enjoy this environment. Most of all I enjoy the freedom to come And go, to do things at my own pace and have no real boss or pressure behind me. 

But am I really willing to commit another three, four years of my life to study and to books and research? Do I really want this? 

Dream. Disappointing mum

I saw mum in my dream...

It was so beautiful seeing her again. we were going somewhere together, what a pleasant outing.

Then she suddenly turned against me, scolding me, telling me "you'll never amount to anything! What are you doin with your life?!"

I was hurt, and I talked back. "What about all those four years? What happened those four years of my life???" The years I spent traveling back and forth to be with her, to make her strong, to go through illness and death... I threw a tantrum and broke down there and then. And I saw mum's face was full of regret, full of guilt.

It pained her to shout back at her. But I was hurt. Have I not done enough? Am I not doing enough? Am I not breaking my back and hurting my health working night and day to achieve something, to produce a volume of the journal that's taking so long,  and to teach ?

I broke down.

Winter jacket

With the temperature dropping to below zero degrees and frost forming on rooftops in the morning, I got out a winter jacket, one that my brother bought me a couple of years ago. This was the jacket I wore first to brave the winter in Canada (until it was not warm enough for -30C temperatures...).

When I put it on, I heard a little tearing sound.

I opened it up and looked inside. I had forgotten about that episode, but the stitches reminded me of it.

At the seams were these threads that mum weaved and sewed. She noticed that the place between the arm and body of the jacket was torn one day when I was visiting her. She took it and before I left, she sat there and mended the tear... that brought a tear to my eyes. The jacket felt warmer and warmed by her touch.

Seeing that just now made me realise again how empty my life has been since she left. I do miss the phone calls, the chats on Skype, the visits (not so much to the hospital...), and the excitement of going to see her every few months. It's all stopped now. Nothing. Gone. History.

All that is left, beside the memories and her belongings sitting in a storage space I dread to enter (but must soon empty...), are little signs and moments like this that remind me of the dear motherly love that I lost and can never find again.

Why am I crying again...?

I should be much stronger.

I should be! I must be!

The other day, a college friend of mum's posted wooden clogs mum gave him once as a momento of Holland ,where we lived. Under that picture were the words "How we miss you so though you have departed..." Another college friend of hers, a caring auntie, commented and shared her own sadness and said she also had a pair of wooden clogs just like those.

Moments like this make me wish I could sleep and blink away that lingering pain.
How my heart wrenches and aches again now 

"Oh what I'd give for a hundred years..."

"Oh, what I'd give for a hundred years,

But the physical interferes,

Everyday more, my Creator.

Oh, what good is the strongest heart,

In a body that's falling apart...?"

The actress half lay on the floor, weakened and defeated. Illness has robbed her of her strength, her courage, her fame and glory. Death is lurking and stalking her, life is fading away. How Evita must have felt toward the end of her life? How powerfully it was captured in song and on stage by the performance of Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical, one of my all time favorites...

The musical was a delight, and something I'd looked forward to some time. In my late teens, I listened to it repeatedly (without realising the true meaning of "dressed up to the nines" or "at sixes and sevens"). One song in particular, "another suitcase, another hall" I felt poignantly described my life.... Always moving, never stable, my family spread across the world, my destiny so unclear and unknown... And for those many years when (first dad and later to a greater extent) mum was ill, my suitcase was always close by and half packed ready to go at an instant's notice. 

Seeing Evita succumb to (as I realised only this weekend) cancer brought back a lot of emotions and memories... For the couple of months, I have been so consumed with work i feel like I've not even had time to "feel". Being someone who is normally in tune with and driven by emotions, I began to feel uncaring and detached from life and the rest of the world. I feel so drained and so very unhappy, even though I was busy and making more money than usual. Soon after the show, in my friends apartment, I stared out the window at the night cityscape, and described how I feel... 

And I sobbed. The first time in a long, long time, even though often at night, when all's so quiet when the world is asleep, the feelings of emptiness and longing flood my heart and bring me close to bursting out in tears. As I told my friend, more and more mum and dad appear before me together, whereas before it was either one or the other. 

Is it so that after some time the dead just get lumped together? Is it true that after some time you just blur death and all those memories of illness and hospital visits together? I've tried hard not to think of and let my thoughts drift there... But seeing evita on the floor and lamenting her body succumbing to illness, I could not do anything else...

Those long nights, and difficult days at the hospital seem like an eternity away now. But I can still see it, smell it, feel it. It was overwhelming, traumatic and horribly painful to endure. And that was just for me, a bystander. How it must have been for dad, for mum! For my friends. For my uncle... For all these millions of cancer patients, and other sufferers of chronical and terminal illnesses, and their families. 

What kept me sane? What kept me alive? The belief of love that will heal me. The belief  that one day I will find someone who will truly heal me and pick me up and fill that void inside. A void that is still void. 

And now, two and a half years on since mum's passing, almost seven years since dad's passing, I am still standing, seemingly going strong. But at times I wonder what holds it all together. Because in moments of solitude, at night and in moment of silence, I can hear the darkness and painful memories echo, I can feel the void vibrate. 

There are moments after my lectures when I stand in the empty classroom and wonder whether my parents are there sitting in the back, smiling at me on the sofa in the back...

There are moments at work when I am so stressed and my eyes so tired that I think of my parents and just doing that would give me a burst of perseverance... Are they proud of me? Would they be proud of me and what I have become and done since they left this world? I sure hope so...

Dream

Second time this week, I dreamt of both my parents...

Somehow they were older, still coherent and "normal", but just older than I remmeber them. One scene, they we're getting out of the taxi in front of the home I grew up in, the one with a roof top garden, where we kept a dog named Hali. Brother was there too, and there werewolf a lot of suitcases everywhere. I was returning home from somewhere.

I helped them with their bags and went upstairs (five flights of stairs ...) Mum sat down on the sofa, dad retired to his room (where he stayed a while, but came out later as he couldn't sleep...). I saw myself taking care of them, holding them by the arms and comforting them. In doing so, I felt so comforted too...

They have been gone so long, and yet somehow I feel closer to them than anyone alive... How is that possible? Perhaps I just don't feel any connection and so distant toward people around me. I just don't make the effort any more to maintain or show that I care.

It happens, I was once told. You become mellow and tired, of things, of people... And you just want to be alone.

Can't sleep...

5am... Need to get up in three hours to get ready for another lecture. Over half way through the course, and it's enjoyable, yet extremely exhausting, especially with the other commitments and deadlines I have going on...

I lay in bed just now, and mum and dad's faces flashed before me. I guess I've been too busy , top occupied, too sleepless to think of them much. Would they be proud of me? Of all that I'm doing? Of all the reputation and name I seem to be making for myself?

But I'm sacrificing my health for work, sleep so little and pushing my body to the limit to get things done and be perfectionist... I don't dare tell friends, because too often I just get the slap in the face response "Everyone works hard! Everyone is busy!" It's disheartening, frustrating, makes me feel like I should just shut up and say nothing... What kind of friend tells you things to make you feel like you have n right to speak, no right to complain? What kind of friend makes you feel like you cannot voice anything, because everything is just interpreted as a complaint or thrown back at you?

But I can feel my head aching, and these rashes and spots spreading on my body that were not there before. I seem to get that when I sleep poorly or too little. I feel so unhealthy that I'm turning into this workaholic and don't do anything but work...

Back to mum and dad... I saw their faces, and again this emptiness filled my insides and I could not but suddenly shiver and shed a tear . Again, I feel the pain does not go away, but is simply hidden. And now nobody asks anymore... Nobody wants to hear about something that happened over two years ago.

People are tired of listening, or just inpatient... Or perhaps I need to find more people who is more patient and kinder with me who is willing to take the time to be with me and won't dismiss me when I try to express how I'm doing...

Home again

I never realised I would feel such a sudden sense of sadness at the moment of departure, but I did. Jacob looked so innocent (though s times he's far from it...). Moments earlier, he sat in the back of the car with me as brother drove me to the airport. He pretended to sleep, pretended to snore loudly, and I would then have a peek at me and burst out in laughter. Adorable, simply the cutest, and I felt sorry to leave him (even though at times he can be very difficult and whiny...). 

In many ways, he is like my brother, or at least I can see beginnings of being like my brother.... Bossy, demanding, wanting to be in control and tell everyone what to do. My sisterinlaw and I talked about this and joked how she has to pander to two people who are so alike...

It's been only two weeks having them around, and admittedly there were times  that were unbearable (like the condescending way my brother talks down to me and treats me, and the way that he tuts and shakes his head when I have a difference of opinion...) But at goodbye, I gave him a hug, and patted his arms  as I told him to take good care to take care of his health and body. Despite conflicts and difficulties between us, we are still siblings, and the loss of our parents and the birth of my nephew has certainly brought us closer together.

At one instance,when he opened his wallet to pick out his credit card. I saw inside a pocket, he had placed a picture of mum. He misses mum, I know he does, but I never realised how much (still?), and have just assumed my grief and pain is so personal and are not shared. Like dad before him, brother is not one to express his feelings or emotions. Perhaps they think that is being week, perhaps they believe some things are best unsaid and they'd prefer to suffer in silence... But seeing that picture of mum made me realise more brings us (my brother and me ) together than divides us, even more than the distance between us and the turbulent history behind us. 

I stepped into my apartment and in the laundry basket were the sheets and duvet covers that they used but have not been washed. In the washroom were their towels. In the spare  bedroom was the balloon I laid on the bed to welcome them to Canada, and the bag of Reeses pieces I bought as a welcome gift. 

My cat miauwed and welcomed me home as she lay lazily on the foldable sofa bed my brother slept on.

Home again. Home alone again...

Life update

Been a struggle being home alone since my brother and his family were here. For two weeks, you get so quickly used to the presence of others, to having breakfast together, to cooking together, to the constant laughter and sounds of banging made by my nephew. You get so used to all that... Suddenly, silence. 

Fortunately, a friend called me yesterday afternoon and asked if I wanted to go with him to spot planes next to the runway. I was reluctant at first, but was I glad I did in the end. Watching those powerful machines land and take off, land and tak off on their way from/to far flung lands filled me with joy.

My friend told me my parents would be so happy and so proud, so peaceful, knowing that my brother and his family came and knowing the lengths I went to make them feel welcome. Whatever tensions and feuds we had, there are bygones. Important are the memories we made together, and memories of seeing them so happy and seeing their eyes light up at the sight of the lakes, the mountains, the wilderness and bears. Important is that I bonded with my nephew and made him more part of my life, and that he made me more part of his life. 

I got home last night and started to work on articles that need to be finalised for publication. Two more weeks till it all has to be put together and printed, and yet one more article is missing. I've asked for it long ago, for i don't want a repeat of last years experience where I had to stay till close to midnight several days at the office just trying to finish off the work and meet the deadline... It drains me so. And I want to start early so I can control the time, especially given I've got a teaching assignment on the side now. 

Then I got messages from a friend I met some months ago. Distressed messages , pleas for help. The guy's been having tensions at home, and his parents want him out of the house. He doesn't have anywhere to go, and asked if I could him stay a while till he finds a place and gets back on his feet. 

I'm reluctant, but a friend in need is a friend indeed?

Return to Lake Louise

Seeing these mountains, reminds me the first time I saw them back in 2011. It was with mum, the trip of her lifetime perhaps...

There's a Crow crowing on the spruce tree behind me, and the mountains are reflected in the emerald waters of the lake before me. This is paradise, this is where mum sat on the lake shore and told me how peaceful she was, even though at the time she was occasionally, or perhaps constantly, tormented by the pain and suffering of her growing cancer. 

I saw it as a "mission" to bring her moments of peace and being able to forget. Forget that's she's in pain, forget that soon it will be the end of her life. I sought to make her remember, remember how life is so beautiful, how in the end everything is worth it and has much meaning. 

When she told me that she sat on the lakeshore and thought of nothing (there's even a picture of that... A hauntingly beautiful picture of her small figure against the backdrop of the beautiful lake and mountains...), I knew I had somewhat succeeded. 

Yesterday, my brother and sister-in-law sat on the lakeahore, almost the exact location where mum was. They seemed to be contemplative, reflective as they looked out at the lake... Perhaps they imagined what mum was looking at. Perhaps somewhere in the lake were ripples that contain her memories ("mumories") and her life beyond this world. 

This air, this wind, this whispering of the wind. Mum is gone, but the presence of her absence fills us still. 

Reunion

The family is asleep now, brother snoring in the living room, my little nephew and sister in law sleeping quietly in the spare bedroom. I'm in my bedroom, working into the wee hours of the morning, striving to prepare for another lecture on Monday.

My dream of bringing my family here has come true, family. Mum and dad would be so proud of us seeing us all together under one roof, my roof. I've extended them the warmest welcome, brought a toy and smiley balloon to greet my nephew, and prepared feasts at night and even booked a rather fancy surprise. They are family, the only family I have left, and they deserve nothing less.

We went into the mountains today and admired the changing colours of Autumn. We woke at 5ish, all of us for some reason, me included, so exhausted after 9. It was probably the longest sleep I had for weeks, though it was interrupted by noise of construction going went on all night last night...

The colours of Autumn is simply breathtaking... It breathes life into even the fullest of lives, into the greyest of imaginations and minds. Who can behold such colours and not be amazed , awed or be even the slightest persuaded in the presence of a greater being who paints with such vivid colours?

My newphew gets so excited by any playground and I spent a long time under the hot sun teaching him how to step and hold on tightly. He's so sweet, inquisitive and ever so cute, though he can be a little devil when he is tired and grumpy and wouldn't stop crying... My brother and his wife seem to be in awe at the nature and all that Canada has to offer... She confided in me she noticed that a difference yesterday when we went to a riverside park: the children and parents don't give us another look , as they do in Europe. Not a hostile look, just a look as if we are different. But in Canada, we are no more different than the rest of the population, for this is a country of immigrants. Unlike Europe which still has an issue with race and colour... Just after she said that, I watched as two squirrels, one dark furred another with a light shade of brown fur played and dashed up a nearby tree. 

Family arrives today
Excited but anxious

Missing mum

I miss mum, and saw her in my dreams... I guess it was prompted by meeting a friend who lost his mum only a few months ago. He told me how he can't bear to see pictures of his mum. He told me how his sister has become a "rogue', partying all day, not going home, and yet she posts all these pictures of their mum on Facebook all the time. He told me that and was tearing.

Just because I don't post Herr as much or as often, doesn't Mean I dont miss her or think of her. She's on my mind, in my dreams. She's a part of me. As I am a part of her. Her, and dad, are the reasons why I do things, why I feel I should strive to be  a better  person, because they were the best people they could have been, because they gave their everything to give to me and to ensure I have everything.

Would she, and dad, be proud of me?

Cut loose.

Exam done

One down, two more to go.
Exhausted from lack of sleep and the repetitive cycle of work and study every day for the past three weeks. Not yet fully done, two more to go, better than the nine I began with back in October  2011. But what a long (and at times grueling) process it has been.

I sat there after the exam and waited for the one hundred something people to exit the exam hall... So many people all want to become a lawyer. What makes me better or better qualified? Why am I even doing this? Prestige? Money? Or just the ability to call myself a lawyer and awe (most) people without even needing to say anything else?

With this exam the summer is drawing to an end. A new school term about to begin.... Maybe with a course I need to lead.

Next week, the beginning of the sixth year I am in Canada .

I lay on my bed and heard the door open, and then footsteps approach.

Shadows approached , and then the face. It was mum's face , and what joy I felt...
Joy that turned so soured and became tears and sobbing.

Happy father's day...

Developments

Been very quiet these days here, reflective of how my life had been these days...

Fell very ill two weeks ago from a bad flu. Before getting ill, I was emotionally very down and fragile...
It's the lingering effects of loss and grief. I just cant explain why I miss my parents so much these days.

Sitting alone at a Japanese restaurant I found recently. Next to me a table of middle aged people talking about how kids these days are so distant and don't take care of their parents, how kids visit once or twice a year, even if they llved in the same city... I'm just sitting here and thinking to myself how lovely they have parents to love and treasure and yet they dont... Would they miss their parents As I do so much now after they are gone...?

Other than that, it's been busy at work, and I'm slowly (maybe much too slowly...) Trying  to study for an exam in two weeks. Very quiet at woke nowadays, as nobody is around. A colleague is leaving soon for a new job, so a lot of responsiblities are going to be falling on my shoulders... Another colleague's dsughter has surgery to remove a lump, and her father in law is literally on his death bed... There was an afternoon I sat and listened to her and tries to calm her down, even though I was myself tryingg to hold back tears.

Then two dsys ago my prof wrote to me and asked if I want to lead a course in the coming semester. I was completely taken aback, as I never realised how much they valued me. My first instinct was to think "I can't..." And for the whole of that day I was very tense and nervous just at the thought of teaching and speaking in front of people for three hours.... 

My colleagues have been encouraging and told me to just do it. It is a great opportunity, and a step into teaching, some that could prove useful in the future. Who knows, maybe I'll love it and decided this is what I want to do? 

But just the thought of being a lecture scares me.... Who am I? How much credential do I have to teach ( even though it's a course about airlines business and I do know a fair bit about airlines and airplanes...) ? What if they boo me or despise me and see me as just this young boy making fool of himself? 

I told my boss I'd think about about... Deep down I am very tempted, but am also very nervous too... Deep down, as someone reminded , I know my parents would be so very proud of me (just the thought of that moves me to tears .. ) 

Motorbiking the streets of Chiayi, crisscrossing the little familair alley ways and lanes at night, sitting in the back...

With mum.

Show

This was a programme mum would sometimes stay up to watch...
She would be so engaged and captivated by the eloquent and powerful style of the talk show host and news reporters. Like an excited little girl who knows it's time to go to bed, but cannot.

Many nights I sat by her side and watched this very programme.


seeing this brought tears to my eyes.

Life

"The gods may throw the dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear
The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
It's simple and it's plain
Why should I complain?"

The middle of the night...

Checked my phone, and there was a message from my cousin.
Ascending colon. Cancer. Aunt.

I almost burst out crying.

Why?

WHY?!

Fking cancer... here to take another beloved person away from me.
Images of mum and dad flashed in my head.
Images of childhood summers spent at my aunt's house, and how she took care of me, and treated me like her own child...

I don't know how serious it is.

I will call tomorrow, maybe I will return home to see her soon.

State of the world

What is wrong with the world? 

Bombing kids playing football on a beach in Gaza...

And shooting down a plane laden with civilians, most probably on their way to a long anticipated holiday...

horrible, Despicable acts of pure violence against innocent people and children. 

Nothing is sacred, no lives immune to wanton acts of destruction and terror motivated by hatred and greed.

Email

Email to a friend-in-loss

"But I imagine you can understand till this day, I am still deeply affected, and I imagine that you are too. Worst thing is I dont really have anyone I can share my feelings with, and there's not really anyone close with whom I feel comfortable sharing my feelings with. Even my brother I can't talk about these things because he's got his own life and family to think about and distract him.

I think I can understand what you mean by seeing the loss of mum as something negative... It really was the end of so much struggle, so much pain, and now I just feel empty. Empty!! Like there's a big void that used to be filled with worry, fears, hospital visits and praying at night, but now there's this uneasy quite which is so disturbing. 

And in this state of quiet, I can't find anything that  really matters, or at least, I can't think of anything that really matters or makes me passionate (except perhaps my kitty cat, and nephew.....!!).

I struggle a lot to get up and do anything, even to get to work in the morning. Struggle to motivate myself to plan for my future or do things that before were so important (like my bar exams....) Its like losing mum, I've lost that drive and life   , and I have lots of difficulty finding meaning or purpose...

Perhaps most difficult of all is feeling like I've lost the ability to feel, lost the ability to love. And what is a Pisces if we cannot feel, cannot love? It's as if most of the time I am like a fish flapping about on land when I should be swimming freely and beautifully in water... It's like a lot of the time I see myself gasping for air, but I don't remember the last time I can feel like I can breathe with ease..."

Storm

I grabbed my bike in the middle of the pouring rain, and just biked.

I don't care if I got wet. I wanted to get wet.
The rain is soothing, somehow, and it felt like it was healing too.
The whole weekend I felt like I was covered in a haze of depression and lethargy, and getting drenched was what I needed.

I biked and raced along the river, and every puddle I came across, I sped through like a mad person.
I loved the way water splashed all over my legs, my feet, my clothes. I loved the way I was dripping with dirty water, and how my legs were soiled from leaves and pieces of branches.

Sometimes losing yourself and doing something out of the ordinary can be so awakening.
I felt alive.
For those rare few moments as I biked and sped down the cycle path, I felt so alive.

Another Dreamfilled night

Another night my mind was filled with dreams as I slept. Again, I seemed be looking for mum, and I woke up feeling so lonely and vulnerable in my bed.

It may be that for the past three weeks or so, since my cousin came I have been so busy and spending so much time around Someone that I've forgotten what loneliness and emptiness  feels like. And now those feelings have returned with a vengeance.

The break is over, the travels and time with my cousin and friends who were visiting are over (at times, I have to admit I was hoping it would be all over soon). Back to my home with my little cat, back to my routine of work, sleep, eat and the stuff of life.

I have to admit, I enjoyed having my cousin over, having someone in the house to be around with, having someone to take care of. I missed that...

And in so many ways, particularly the way I was showing my cousin the way things are here and explaining to her how life works here, I felt a deja vu and connection with the summer of 2011 when mum visited me and stayed for six weeks with me. How I took care of her.... How I  pampered her and showed her around and treated her like a special guest...

Perhaps those experiences then, and the experiences wirh my cousin these few weeks, remind me of what I have lost, and what I would like to find and build up once more.

losing mum

A series of powerful and frightening dreams rocked my sleep this morning.
I woke up (and slept) again and again sobbing

In the dream, mum was supposed to visit me, but somehow when the day came she never showed up. I couldn't find her, and tried so hard to reach her through all means. But she was just gone. 

I searched for her frantically, dashed around the streets like a madman. Throughout my search in vain, I thought to myself: 

"I can't lose her again! I just can't! I just can't bear to lose her one more time..."

There were all these friends, and my brother, around, but they just didnt seem to care or share my sense of desperation.

It was so painful, I screamed and  yelled and cried out for help. 

I lost mum once, but in the dream I was losing her again...

Perhaps the worst night mare I have ever had yet.

In NYC

New York City... Sinatra says if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. It's an urban jungle , wild and noisy, bustling with life, humid and dense (at least in the summer), energetic and knows no difference between night or day... There is a sense of life and excitement, a vibration and rhythm that somehow is very attractive and luring.  

Could I live here? I've wondered this to myself every time I visit. The rents and prices for everything are exorbitant, but at the same time, there are a lot of high paying jobs and opportunities I believe I could qualify for. 

Travels with friends and family

It has been a long and tiring ten days, filled with visits by my cousin and friends. Spent almost a week in toronto and the Niagara falls region, then, after the two friends who flew half way around the world left, I came back to Montreal with my cousin, and began showing her around my home town. Its not been the easiest couple of days, especially trying to coordinate the likes and schedules of several people at once. There were tensions and moments I asked myself why I even put myself in another situation of trying to arrange travels of so many people at once, but at the end of the day, it was nice seeing old friends and good to show them the country live in with a bit of pride.

Yesterday, I took my cousin to Quebec city, a complete surprise, as all I said to her was pack her bags for the day. Even half an hour after we arrived , she somehow had no clue where we were and for some reason thought we were in Ottawa... It was hilarious how some people can be so unaware of their surroundings, even when on the train there were signs and announcements that we had arrived in Quebec! 

It's been really pleasant showing my cousin around, as everything seems to fascinate her , especially the history and arts and culture of this region of the world. She's forever had this dream of moving abroad, and even has the professional training to do so, but due to language barriers has not been able to do so. As I told her, if there is anything I could do to help, i would. 

She is like the little sister  I've never had, the sibling I've always wanted... Even yesterday, when we were outside , I called my own brother just to say hello... What he showed me was this surly and irritated face, such an attitude of contempt and irritation. I hung up the phone and nearly burst out crying... My own brother, yet so little understanding or willingness to undrrstand or know about my life and what I'm doing...  

It has also very difficult at times retracing steps I took with mum three years ago in 2011. Literally, as I took my cousin through the old city of Quebec, as we walked down those cobble stone paths and walked past the restaurants and cafes, it was as if I was walking down memory lane. Memories of mum and I were everywhere to be found, around every corner... The hotel we stayed at, the ferry ride I took at night by myself to have just a little time to myself, the walls of the old city I climbed with her, the restaurant where we had exquisite food and coffee, and when I did not even flinch to order the best (and often most expensive) dishes, because I wanted her to have the best this world could offer. At that time, and how fortunate I am to have the means to do so, money was not a consideration. Making sure she was comfortable, that she enjoyed herself and forgot all about the torments of hospital beds and chemo was what mattered most. 

It was such a beautiful trip, and showing my cousin around remineded me so much of those few weeks mum was here with me. I took care of mum so well, just as I am taking care of my cousin. I remember mum saying she felt so blessed and happy here (despite the first days at my home when she and I had a terrible falling out over my sexuality...). It was lovely to show mum around, to show off the beauty and culture this country has to offer. It was extremely important, for her and for me I think, for it was a way to reassure her that I am in a safe and beautiful environment so that she needs not worry about my future whenever that day came when she is no longer around...

Sure enough, she is no longer around, and here I still am, living in the same home and in the same country as the one mum and I visited three years ago... same place, same little lanes and alleyways and gelato parlours, same field where mum stood and called my brother in Europe, yet this time around so terribly empty. 

Terribly empty...

It feels so alien and bizarre three years later to return to the same place and yet mum is no longer physically with me. Part of me feels bitter, like I am waking from a cruel dream that seemed too real and too wonderful. Part of me feels blessed and fortinare to have made such memories all on my own... Images of my brother's sour looking face and annoyed attitude just made me feel so alone in the world.

Return to Niagara falls

I cannot but think back, how two years ago I called mum at this very spot. I grit my teeth as I listened to her weak voice reminisce the past, how she and I talked about our first visit here together as a family back in 1994....

I asked if she could hear the Falls, hear the powerful sounds of nature, hear the unending echo of the flow of water... She could not feel it's power, its incessant sounds and the damp on my face.

I broke down and howled. Tears poured from my eyes like I've not done for months. I couldn't cry in front of her as her body weakened and thinned , as I watched her become skin and bones and as cancer robbed her of life and colours. The falls were so powerful, majestic, beautiful.... My mum was once so in my eyes, and has always been so beautiful, kind and patient. Yet, she was losing her life, losing her colours, and I knew that soon I would lose her...

I broke down after speaking to her.
Cried just as I am crying now. Uncontrolled outpouring of emotions, of tears that I could not cry before because I needed to be brave and strong in front of her, in front of everyone. But deep inside I was in pain, hurting and crying. Then, as I am now.

Two years on, her body has gone to ashes, her belongings stored in a space I do not dare to enter, in boxes I do not have the courage to unpack or touch. 

I watch the Falls and realise again how much I miss her... The force of nature is so raw, so strong, so powerful. It gives and it takes, and what are we but little human beings at the mercy of its whim?

Two years, twenty years later, so much has changed...

Anniversary

I woke up early to the beeping of my phone.

It was my brother, who had sent me two pictures of his dining table, at the head of which sat my nephew. Spread over the table were plates of food. Chicken, fish, vegetables, fruits,  and at the centre of it all, a picture of my parents, one taken at a restaurant in Taipei around 15 or so years ago.  I remember that dinner well, we were all there as a family. Brother was grumpy because I made him walk in the summer heat to get to the restaurant. It was a fancy place, close to the bank where dad worked at the time, and part of our annual family dinner...

Now, its just my brother and his family, and me left now.

How do I feel? Pensive, reflective, sad and slow today... Again, as much as I can 've surrounded by friends, there's that deep emptiness inside that cannot be filled... Not by booze, not by sightd of superficial people dressed in tight and colourful clothes,  not with upbeat music.

Most likely I will take some time on my own, get away and walk off the heaviness, and think of the mum (and dad) who gave me so much and made me who I am today...

I wish my parents could be proud of me and who I am...