Novel

 I began reading the novel around five months ago. A beautiful semi-autobiographic novel about the story and hardships of a young girl's to build a better life with her mother in a new land.

The book spoke to me personally, because, despite the relative ease and comfort I have had growing up and adapting to a new country as a child, there resonates a sense of being "lost in translation", a search for identity and belonging, and a struggle for acceptance that I could see in my own experience growing up.

The character's struggle to learn English and excel in school was of course much more difficult. She went to school along side working part time after school in sweatshops in order to repay the debts of going to America. Together with her mother, she lived in an unheated apartment crawling with insects, and toiled to make literally cents in order to make ends meet. Ultimately, through hard work, resolve and wanting to give her mother and herself a better future, she excelled academically and became a doctor. The hardship she endured, the humiliation, and ultimately the triumph of being able to succeed  on her own is moving and inspirational, and written in a clear and accessible way as if the girl is talking to you personally.

I began reading the book, but never finished the last chapter. I don't know if I left it unread intentionally, but I did know that it would be a difficult chapter to read. Through, or despite of, the hardships of growing up, the main character recounts the story of meeting the love of her life, and describes vividly their sweet, brief and beautiful moments of intimacy. They both know they are deeply in love, and would be good for one another.

But circumstances, unsaid and undeclared feelings and truths kept them apart. The last chapter is the closure and coming to terms with difficult decisions we all face and have to make in life... happiness now or the possibility (though uncertain) of coming together again later with the one true love... stability for the present, or a possible life of hardship and sacrifices to be with the one true love?

Ironically, I received the book as a gift just a week or so before my break up. And finishing this novel now, five months after that shows how far, and in some ways how very little, how my friend and I have progressed from those tumultuous days of tears and being afraid to let go and to be alone...

We all have to make choices in life, and some choices take us apart from the happiness and comfort we have grown so accustomed to and are so reluctant to let go off. We may live with regret and remorse for the rest of our lives, and keep on imagining, thinking and torturing ourselves with what could have been...

But eventually, one day, we come to realise, things are the way they are, and they are just the way they are. Nothing more, nothing less.

Screens

Within less than twelve hours of landing, I was back at the hospital with mum. It’s nothing major this time, an x-ray of the chest, to ensure that the cancer has not spread to the lungs, and three blood samples for analysis. She cringed as the blood was drawn. Because mum has had blood drawn so often, the vessels have faded, the nurse had to draw blood from the right arm instead of the usual left. I softly patted her shoulder as if to tell her “It’s ok… I’m here…” Even though I will only be with mum for a little while this time around, I was there that day, at that moment…

It’s a routine check, to see how the cancer has progressed (or not… hopefully not). We’ll be back in a few days for mum’s next chemo treatment… I did notice one thing that has changed. On the wall of the lobby were two big rectangular flat-screens. On them, the names of the doctors, the consultation room, and the call number of the patient now being seeing are displayed.

”Is this…?” I asked.

Yes, mum confirmed what I thought it was. A couple of months ago, when I accompanied mum to the hospital one day, I noticed there were a lot of patients, and their relatives or friends and care-takers, all of them crowded outdoor the various physicians’ offices. The scene resembled that of a market… crowded, noisy, stuffy, and it was uncomfortable being there for a long time.

But sometimes you have to wait an hour or two or more, just to be seen, because though there is an appointment, it works by a call number system, and depending on the physician, some of whom work slower than others, it may take a while till it’s your number. Some physicians see five patients an hour, while others rush through them and can see dozens of people within one morning.

Though I had been to the hospital many times with mum (and before, with dad), the particular scenery and the experience made me write to the hospital. So I picked up a form and wrote a “suggestion”, and deposited it in a designated box the next time I visited the hospital.

My suggestion was that instead of having people all wait outside the physicians’ offices and crowding up the narrow corridors, perhaps there could be some kind of display system placed somewhere. Patients and their family and friends can wait elsewhere, the best place would be outside, where there would be fresh open air and a lot more space. Not only would that create a better environment for patients and visitors, it would make it a much better environment for the hospital staff too.

Mum said one day the hospital called asking to speak to me, but I had already left the country. They said they registered the suggestion, and were going to do something about it. And there, on the walls, were what they did and the result of my suggestion (or perhaps some other people had suggested it too… I’m not sure!)

I looked at the big flat-screens with a little pride and smiled. It helps to “suggest”, and any little idea to make the world a better place is good for anyone, and for everyone.

Home

I hugged mum and did not let go for a long time. Uncontrollably tears started to well in my eyes. I could not speak, for speaking would betray my tears and probably cause me to break and cry more.

 It was an emotional, overpowering meeting, nothing I could have imagined more beautifully, more touchingly. All that time since the moment I (clandestinely in the forest...) booked my flight, I have been imagining waiting for this moment to come. And it was finally here.

Mum is with me, I am with her. She is in my arms, I can feel the warmth of her body. This is real, not a dream, not a fantasy. The long, long flights across the ocean, the sense of being fatigued and numb, even to the comforts of being upgraded to business class, began to thaw in mum's embrace.

I could feel again. feel the care and love flow through me and I imagined into her body. I took her by the hand, the one that gets so sore and painful without medication, and I held onto it.

I of course cannot feel what she feels, but I imagined my grasp, my hand taking some of that pain away. Every little bit helps, every little bit makes it all the less... It is one of the reasons why I am here.

"Mum, I'm home..."

Girl on the bus

The girl asked if she could sit next  to me. And it was only later that she said she likes to sit in the first row of the bus to avoid getting dizzy.

We sat in silence for a good while, then she initiated conversation by asking me where exactly to get off. And one thing led to another, she revealed just came back from Vietnam visiting her mother in the hospital.

"Tumour in the brain," she said, as she pointed to her forehead. I was touched, in a way that almost instantly triggered a tear to drop. It was as if I could 'feel' her worries, her pains, her sleepless nights and distracted mind as she goes about her everyday life. From the gaze in her eyes, I knew she too could understand me and what I am going through. Truly going through...

"It's not easy..." I said, and we exchanged each others stories. Very different lives, but very similar worries, concerns and expressions of love for our parents.

She came to Taiwan eight years ago under the facade of marriage, but in fact she came looking for work (it is very common she said, but much more difficult nowadays). She's happy here, much better off than back in Vietnam, and her sister is with her too now.

Still life is hard, working at a restaurant and living in an expensive city like Taipei. But the money she makes can provide for her entire family back home, and  she is a citizen and so can enjoy the benefits of free health care. Her mandarin is flawless and she understands Taiwanese too. Most of all, she feels at home and free here. She is truly a "New Taiwanese", born elsewhere but who has made this island her home.

Two months ago her mum was diagnosed with cancer. She did not know about it till one day she kept on calling and calling but couldn't get a hold her mum. The family kept the news secret from her. She rushed home as soon as she found out.

"We're lucky that I work in Taiwan and can pay the medical costs. A friend's mother also diagnosed with cancer. She had three months to basically wait to die..."

I could see a shimmer of tears in her eyes, as she recounted the waiting and gruesome hours of the surgery. Her dad fainted numerous times from the stress, and the family was stricken with anxiety and fear, for her mum's life was hanging on the edge... But now she's recovering, and apparently the operation was successful. I did not ask more details.

In those dozens of minutes we talked, we shared out burdens, our worries as children. We shared our feelings of being so torn between the need to be there for our ill parent and wanting to pursue happiness and a life abroad. We both knew that there is nothing much we can do, and worry and fear does not help anyone. "Just the way it is. Just the way life is..."

Two different people who have just arrived from two different countries, yet who happen to be seated next to one another on a bus. I will probably never see her again, but her feelings met mine, and the temporary humanness of our bond was beautiful, magical.

As I picked up my bag and prepared to leave, said "Take good care, and bon courage! As for our mothers, all we can do is spend precious time with them however we can. The rest, just let things be..." I was tempted to lean in and give her a long hug and pat on the back. But I reminded myself that 15 hours of flying had brought me to a different culture, a different place, and stopped myself.

She nodded and smiled. "Take good care. Be well!"

NRT-TPE

The plane rocked and shook so horribly. In the dense cloud cover I could see the occasional flashes of the white light on the tip of the wing. I felt my stomach turn, and my brains fill with images of the aircraft hurtling out of control and plunging into the ocean below. In my mind, I could picture one or both of the engines breaking off. The turbulence was that violent... It didn't help that the B777-200 plane was over ten years old (I wouldn't be surprised if it were much older...)

When you are sitting in the middle of the cabin, surrounded by people and have no way of looking out the window, you start imagining things, and often it's imagining the worst...

But three hours in a half asleep state of mind, interrupted by really bad rice with chicken terriyaki (there was no other choice) I landed on the island I was born on.

It felt so surreal to be back again, merely four months or so after I was last here. My third visit of the year. Surreal also in the way that just a few days ago I was planning and anticipating (with mixed feelings) flying back here, and here I am...

  Every timeI half expect someone to come greet me as soon in the arrivals hall. And as I quickly walked through the crowd of waiting families and friends, my eyes somehow welled with tears. Of course there is no one there, and I'd personal hate to trouble people to come all the way to fetch me. But it's heart warming and beautiful to imagine arriving home and being welcomed in the warm, warm embrace of a loved one, and being showered with kisses and smiles. It makes arriving home feel less empty.

But all that is waiting for me at home.

Take off

The plane just hurtled down the runway and took off. The ground is getting further and further away, the sky and clouds closer and closer.

How am I feeling now? Quiet, calm... A little anxious because I'm on the plane I feel least safe on (the A330, which has had a number of accidents in recent years. And this particular one is old, has paint peeling on the engine outside my window...). But other than that, surprisingly calm and quiet.

The moments before the plane pulled back, I was texting back and forth with my friend. Surprisingly, telling each other how much we'll miss each other. And, in fact, how much we care about and love each other. At one point he broke down in tears, and it hurt to see him crying. I wished I could have been next to him to hold him, hug him... But instead I'm on a plane to get further away from him.

wrote him a long message, pouring out all I'm feeling, hiding nothing, revealing everything. I just want him to be happy, to be free, even if it's not, or never going to be, with me. That is true love, true wishes of happiness for someone you love and care about so very much. And I came out of the retreat with that clarity, with that ability to let him go. Of course, it'd be beautiful if we could one day come together again under cleaner and clearer conditions. What could be more beautiful than lovers who are the best of friends? But that is up to fate, not me.

I sent him the message only at the very last minute. something I tend to do just before a long flight, because frankly, as much as I've been flying around, I don't know why I seem to feel more and more unsafe and apprehensive on long flights, especially ones that cross the oceans.

The calm and quietness in my mind is perhaps from having no regrets and leaving with nothing unsaid. Because we bottle things inside, tend to suppress our thoughts and feelings for fear of facing them or telling others around us, we suffer. Whatever happens on this trip, or even on this long flight across the Pacific, i have cleared my mind, emptied my feelings out.

And I seem to be buoyed with such a sense of joy and peace, feeling as if I'm floating, and that nothing can get to me. Of course I know this feeling, this lightness, will fade and disappear, and sadness and gloominess will return, because that is just the nature of the mind. But now I feel content just being with the way things are, just living and breathing and being in this moment. And that is such a rare feeling, such an uplifting feeling. A free feeling I'd like to share and pass onto mum. To give her courage, to give her strength.

My aunt took me to the airport, and she said to me she envies my mum for being so strong, and for having a son like me. She wondered if my cousins would ever do that when she gets older...

I smiled a little. It's really nothing special to me, because it feels so natural. I'm just doing what I can, what I feel like is right. It's my way of showing how much I care, how much I love someone, and it's priceless. Mum was delighted to know I'm flying home to see her and be with her, even for a short time. And knowing that my visit and presence give her much comfort and joy is worth the tiredness and all the traveling.

Going home

I waited a few days until today to tell my friend where I am going. He asked me when I'm coming home. My reply was I'm "going home".

He was under the impression that after my meditation, after my exam, I would go back to Montreal. And on the phone today he was happily talking about how beautiful the weather would be, and how nice it would be to go cycling in the weekend, and to cook up something special for  Canadian Thanksgiving. I too long for all that, would so much want to enjoy all that, but there is something else, someone else I need to be with at this moment. Somehow, for some reason, I feel I must embark on this sudden and impromptu trip home. I can't explain it, I really can't.

From his silence after I told him I;m flying off to see my mum, I could realised how disappointed (or hurt?) he was. It felt like I was playing games with him by withholding details of what I'm doing until the day before I leave, he said. I felt really terrible, because that was never my intention... I waited till today because I really didn't want to deal with this issue on the night before the exam last night.

But it's all too sudden, all too unexpected I guess, even for me. At the time when this sudden urge to go home to see mum swarmed my mind, it felt so right, so doubtless. But after my conversation with my friend, I began to have doubts and questions... was he longing so much for my return? What does he really feel about me leaving and being away for longer than expected? Why would it matter if we are just friends? He wouldn't say, and I'd probably never know.

To be honest, now that tomorrow is approaching, and as I'm closer to the time of take off, I'm feeling somewhat anxious. What am I really doing? Why am I really doing this? What am I putting myself and my body through to go on such a rushed trip home? Does it matter why, what or how? I'm going regardless, and I can either go feeling heavy with doubt and anxieties, or go buoyed by that sense of happiness and lightness I found during my time at the monastery. 

In the end, he wished me a pleasant trip home, and sent his best wishes to my mum, which is a very touching gesture. All I said was that I hope he can understand what I'm feeling right now, which this deep sense of wanting to be with my mum, wanting to be with someone I care about and love deeply without complications, without needing to feel guilty or like I need to be careful how I express my love and care.

Because at this moment, I'm just brimming with love and care I need to share. And no one else needs it more now than my dear, brave mother...

It is done

I sat there and went blank for a moment. The questions stunned me. I was not prepared, at least not in the way that was expected. But strangely I did not feel much fear or apprehension... Just a strange calm, and acceptance of the reality, and just picked up my pen and began to write something.

I had read through the materials, know the facts and deciding factors of major cases laying down major legal principles, but the exam was in essay form, asking us to connect dots where I did not see dots, to provide critical analysis where I sort of skimmed through looking for grand principles and not minute details to be compared and contrasted. And all that material covering aboriginal rights, the "whiteness" of the law, and protections of human rights and freedoms (all the interesting stuff!!) did not come up...

At various points during the exam I found myself just writing anything... Anything remotely related I could pluck out of my notes to fill the pages. The invidulater was very friendly (gay) man, who knitted while he watched over us and smiled every time I looked up. He even gave us a head start as soon as everyone was in the room. The exam can be harsh, he said, and he'd like to help balance out that harness.

I left the exam room, in Vancouver Public Library, feeling down. But it did not get to me as much as it normally would for some reason.

Do i realise what this exam really implies? Is it I've somehow become so complacent I don't really care about this? If so, why am I doing it? Why am I putting myself through 10 more exams for a recognition to practise a profession I'm not even sure I really want to practise? Or perhaps the knowledge that I only have to pass (50%) is enough to 'assure' me that I don't really have too much to worry about?

Within minutes of leaving the exam room, I was hauling my suitcase on the crowded streets of downtown Vancouver. It's such a bizarre feeling. I know these streets yet I've never lived here.

Just two years ago I first came to the city to transfer on my way back to Montreal. And now it has become like a focal point of my travels, and I think this is probably the five or sixth time I've been here. This city has somehow an attraction in my life, and that attraction does not seem to wane.

By this time tomorrow I will be gone, but I know I will be back here again very soon.

exam

Out of the monastery, back into the city. Disoriented and getting used to the crowds and noise. Must focus, as less than a day later I must sit an exam- my first one toward taking the bar eventually.

Surprisingly I don't seem to be too bothered or stressed by this at all. Is it because I've read through everything again and again and feel i know what is required? Or is this the effect of the calm I received during my retreat still insulating me from the usual anxiety and stress?

Just going to go and write this. And it will be over.

Letting go...

Let go... It is the hardest thing, but also the easiest thing in the world.

Once you've let go, you're free. Free from worries, free from attachments, free from fear and clinging, free from longing and sexual desires... True freedom comes from relaxing- relaxing your mind, relaxing your clenched fists, relaxing your tight and sore muscles that you feel like is holding up the weight of the world... That is freedom: when you are free of all things and are content with nothing.

Let go of the many things we have accumulated in out lives... Let go of the bits and pieces of papers we have kept in storage as momentoes...

 Let go of the many clothes we have that cause us trouble when we are undecided what to wear... Let go of wanting to be someone, wanting to achieve something, and being made to feel like a failure if you don't live up to the 'norm' of what society wants from you, demands from you...

Let go of relationships, of families, of concerns about what will happen to people you care and love about most... You can still love, still nurture love and care and compassion, but when you let go, you do it from a distance, you do it all with the knowledge that your happiness does not depend on another person or any external object out there, but depends on yourself and what you have within.

Can I really let go? That is the question I asked myself at this time last year when I left the monastery. And now I find myself asking again: can I really let things, let everything just go?

I've been told before I can give it a try. What have you got to lose, but there is a lot to gain. Again today, this guy who gave me a ride home told me, even just from talking to me for a little while, that he can see potential in me. There is a certain kindness, compassion ad wisdom in me, he said, that is rare for someone my age. All my experiences of life and death, illness, traumas and love have shaped me, made me realise, that life is only so much, nothing more...

This all came from A handsome, all-rounded and sensitive guy in his forties, father of two lovely, smart children and husband of a beautiful, loving wife. why not try? What is there to lose but your fears and desires? What is there to gain but real happines, real peace that will carry youand others around you to a deeper level and connection with this world?

 Try before I get too deep in life to disentangle myself, he said. Do it now before you make commitments and have more worries and fetters around your life... Sure, finish off what you started, the studies and the qualifications for the bar... But, as he told me, I can do more as a robed monk to help people than I could ever as a lawyer or whatever professional I may become...



It sounded tempting, as it had sounded tempting when I first entered a monastery and met the monk who became my guide and father-figure. And it takes time for digesting these thoughts and the implications. Time not to think or brood it over, but time to let the heart feel and know what it really wants.

But can I do it...? Can I retreat fully into a life of meditation and solitude, of abstinence and living with the bare necessities of the robes I have on my body and the bowl I have to eat out of?

 It takes the courage and audacity of a special character, it takes determination and will power to commit to something and oxide by strict disciplines of the practice.

Returning to the world

Everything is just the way it is, success or failure, it's only a matter of perspective. Everything is the way it is, just perfect. Perfection is accepting the ways things are... Accepting change, illness, happiness, sorrow... Accepting the way people are, accepting the way world turns and carries on, because you so no turn it, you do not carry it.

Let go of the burden of the world, let go of hope, let go of fear. Just be. Let go of regrets, of anxiety, let go of the past. let go of wishes, of desires, let go of the future. Don't blame yourself, feed  yourself with guilt or anger. Be kind and gentle to yourself, be happy and be free.

All you can ever be is in this moment and be fully with yourself.   And everything, everyone around you.

Closing

"Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha, Metta..." The meditation sala reverberated with the sound of our song to the tune of Pachebel. It was a powerful, emotional experience after ten days of observing complete silence.

The retreat came to an end. But was it an end or just the beginning of something? One by one, we shared our personal experiences of our time here...

 A common theme of gratitude echoed in our closing ceremony, as each of us appreciated how, even in complete silence, there was such harmony, such understanding and compassion. It showed in little ways... In our silent nods, in our smiles in the corridor, in the way we quietly went about our lives in this shared space and yet respected one another's need and desire for silence. In silence, we hear our deepest thoughts. In silence, we notice how so little is said with so much in our daily lives.

We shared these last ten days together, strangers at first, yet we have grown and developed together and become friends in the Dhamma. We may come from all walks of life, from all over the world, but something brought us together. It was this unique sanctuary that has been built up from the generosity of countless supporters. It was the guidance and stewardship of resident monastics that united us all in the  comfortable, serene "palace in the forest". And it was our shared faith in the teachings of the Buddha, who over two and a half millennia ago already understood and taught that all life is shared through common experiences of aversion and attachment, of experiencing birth, ageing, illness and death.

We may all have our own personal stories and burdens which we carry with us. Loss of a loved one, death of a sister, a child's worry about his mother's ailing health, stresses and tensions at work, coming to terms with the 'mistakes' and 'wrongs' of the past, realising how much you have fooled yourself and others all these years...  in the end, it all comes down to the human experience of grief and pain, longing and desires, dissatisfaction and regret. In the end, all it comes down to is how our minds meet and perceive the challenges and difficulties in life.

An end could be a beginning, a beginning could mean the end. The retreat is officially over, and tomorrow we will go our separate ways, return to our lives and worldly affairs. But we do so with a lighter heart, with a clearer mind, and with the experience and knowledge that there is joy to be enjoyed in each and every moment if only we allow our minds to see it, to realise it. Life can be simple, pure and clean, or it can be filled with fetters, worries and burdens. However you perceive it, however you live it, it all comes down to attitude.

The abbot shared with us a Japanese poem from his days as a hermit. A beautiful flower, so magnificent and perfect, was seen by one person hidden behind a boulder.  "blooming in glory, unnoticed in fame". We can be like that little flower too. Others may not notice the efforts we have made to work on ourselves, but it will show and radiate in our smiles, in invisible the sense of our tranquility and collectedness.

We have all made  sacrifices to take ten days out of our lives to be here, to strive at perhaps the most difficult task of all in this world, which is to look inward and to tame our minds. Some may scoff at us for being insane, for being out of touch with the world and what is real. But what we have discovered, what we have realised that is far more valuable than gold is the silence and peace of the mind when you are living, being in this very moment.

Hopefully this realisation  will remain with us, and as we go back home, go back to our friends and families, we can share some of that lightness of feeling, some of that joy and clarity with those around us. It is a wonderful and most powerful gift, and yet it costs nothing.


23.48

We started by sharing the joy gazing up at the night sky, Identifying stars and constellations. But we ended up sharing life, touching each others hearts with life experiences and anecdotes. Talking and sharing with her warmed me , and she offered me a warm blanket to keep away the bitter cold.

Live, experience and discover the world, she advised me, and you will discover yourself. Travel, explore, dare, and you will challenge yourself and open your mind. Discover what you want, what you need and what makes you happy. Because there is nothing else in life but to enjoy yourself and what you're doing, and enjoy the person you are with.

 If you're in a situation where you're not happy, get out, change- either the situation, or if you can't, change the way you perceive it. No experience is ever wasted, nothing is ever a failure. If it doesn't not work out, learn from it, grow from the experience and move on, prepared by the experience and lesson you've just had before.

Let go of negative influences, negative emotions, negative reactions. free yourself and you will be free, feel free, and feel like there is so much the world has to offer, whereas you've only scratched a tiny bit of what is out there. And sitting under the stars, watching the universe change and twinkle and meteors flash by, we both were humbled by how small we are, and how little we know...

From family to relationships, from life outlooks to our shared inspiration from Buddhism, we chatted and chatted till we were both shivering and realised we have only five hours (or less!!) to sleep.

"If you want out and can, get out.
If you want out but can't, stay in."

A minute

(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

A minute, though short, can be a transformative moment. How often have you experienced or heard of how a person is changed for life by one single experience? A kind word, a harsh word, a brush with death, a touch of love... They can all change a person so quickly and so profoundly.

And so too can a minute of real peace, real serenity, change our minds and lives. Even if  in the ten days we have been on this retreat, or in our entire existence on this world, we experience one single minute that tells us that there is indeed a sense of liberation and lightness, other than being chained by troubles and burdened by negativities, that alone is enough to make us change, make us strive to be a better person, to strive for a better life infused with spirituality and mental development.

Unfortunately, most of the time our minds and lives are entangled in thought, lost in reliving memories and deluded by imaginary projections.

How often are we obsessed with the future? How often are we preoccupied by the past? It is only human, so it is pointless to fault ourselves for it. It is  our conditioned way of thinking and being to long for something we have lost, to cling onto something we experienced before, to live with regret and remorse why that beautiful experience in the past did not last...

The past does not exist (note the present tense), for it is only a fabrication of what we (choose to) remember (or not). once gone, it can never return, can never be saved or savoured again. Do not just try to untangle the knots, but cut off the past, and live for the now, live for what  you have now right now, right here. Nothing else matters, and you free yourself from the heavy, heavy burden of loss, regret and clinging.

 It is also human to dream of a better place, to imagine better conditions of being, to escape into the infinite possibilities of the future. But the future is yet to come, yet to be determined by our present actions and thoughts, and all subject to change and unpredictability.

So why fill our minds with regret and sense of loss, or fill our minds with made up fantasies and daydreams? Why live with memories of the past and imaginations of what could have been, when you are missing the beauty, peace and very existence that can be enjoyed in the very present?

We are all guilty of it, of wanting to relive the past, of longing for a better future... But often the most beautiful is the moment all around us, and the people we have before us. Take a moment, one single moment, one single minute of silence, and try to realise real peace, real happiness.

Relish the moment here and now, take in the each moment that comes and goes, and live it in the fullest,  the best,  the greatest way you possible can. That is real living, that is real being, and that is the key to real happiness and freedom from longing and from fear.

It really is not hard to live a light and simple life. It really is not hard to relish in every moment and enjoy the presence of everyone person you have around you now. It is much harder to want something you cannot have, to change things you cannot change. So why go though life and spend your moments weighed down by longing, desires and regret when you can live with contentment, appreciation and In celebration of what you do have?

When we live this seclusion and serenity of the monastery, take these realizations and truths with you. Meditation is not just sitting down and being isolated from everything and everyone else. The real practice, the real test, is living out in the real world, dealing with all the people and emotions that cross our paths from moment to moment.

But when you remind yourself every single moment that a moment is just a moment that will come and go, you learn to really live in and experience freedom and happiness.

Wandering mind

How the mind changes so quickly, from day to day, from moment to moment!

Just yesterday I was so sure, so determined to go home and spend some time with mum. But today, while meditating, I was filled with doubts, hindrances, fears... What if I can't leave as intended? What if I can't return to Canada because I don't have a proper study permit? What if the plane crashes?

And I was questing myself: why am I really going home? To escape from montreal, to keep more distance and time away from my friend so he (and I) can sort our feelings out? Or to be with mum, to really spend some time with her, just with her, to give her a boost of encouragement a support before I leave again to ultimately start pursuing my own goals in life?

Doubts, questioning, different reasons why I should and should not go home... Fears, missed opportunities, what may be, fear of missing out and coming home two weeks later to learn that much has changed in my absence... Fear that mum would be more hurt than helped by me showing up and leaving again so soon...

 Fear of the unknown... Fears, anxieties, uncertainties...

 All the things that were not there yesterday, but somehow have surfaced to disturb my peace, to conquer my mind...

All the things that through this retreat and meditation, I am supposed to overcome.

18.16

Just because someone (good looking and kind) offers you a ride, doesn't mean you're going to get together settle down and live long, happy lives together as partners and Buddhists!

But that is the way the mind wonders... The mind Takes a gesture, a word, a symbol, a sign and adds on meanings, fantasies and day dreams that do not exist! It's scary when you realise that so much time and energy is wasted allowing the mind to wonder and to proliferate freely and fantastically...

Some thoughts are plain absurd, completely out of touch with reality, completely imaginations of what may be or could be, just based on what I perceive to be. The guy is probably not even gay for starters, but I'm already imagining how soft and gentle his touch must be, how caring and sensitive he must be, just based on what i've observed him doing over the last week or so...!

Ridiculous... But this is the nature of the mind- it has (literally) a mind of its own, likes to escape reality and dive deep into surreal,  imaginative fabrications of what re world should be idealistically based on our deepest desires, fears and delusions. And good that I see it, can try to capture and tame the mind before it proliferates any more, before it gets any more lost and confused by what is real and what is imaginary. But just think how often we are lost in thoughts, lost in flights of fantasy, but do not realise it... Just think how often we may just do things without realising that we are perhaps influenced in our ways by our inherent "greed, hatred and delusion".

I see how dangerous it is that a word, a kind gesture, a move can be so misinterpreted and be used to fuel imaginary realities in the mind... Or it could be just the effects of delusions from deprived of sexual release for the past seven days.

20.38 (dharma talk by sister Mahn)

To a little child who is learning, you would not be too harsh or punish him for making a mistake or for wondering around. For the child to learn needs patience, encouragements, and equanimity.

 It is the same with our minds... Our minds have been so conditioned to respond, to react, to have feelings of aversion, to have feelings longing and desire. But the mind can learn to just experience, to just be, to not have so many wandering thoughts, to have equanimity of feelings, to be unmoved by external factors and change that go on all around us.

The teachings Buddha are simple: there is suffering and discontent in all of us, but we can develop and let the happiness and calm that is also within all of us thrive. There is that potential in everyone,  we just need patience, understanding and clarity to develop those potentials.

Like we eat a varied diet to maintain the health of our bodies, we must also have a varied practice of meditation to cultivate the health of our minds. Meditating on the breath is good to calm our minds and reach the here and now, but we can also cultivate loving kindness.

We can cultivate love and kindness for all beings, spread love and warmth to those closest to us, to our friends, and even to those we are in conflict with. Just the sending out love, compassion, and understanding from our minds is powerful enough to fill our hearts and minds with much  calm and joy.

We can also develop calmness and clarity by meditating on death and impermanence. By reflecting in our minds that everything will die, everything will change, we free our minds from clinging and attachments, we allow ourselves to better see and experience this world as it really is, and not as we would like it to be- which is ultimately the cause of all our pain and suffering when what we want the world to be is not the way it really is.

Anyone can do this... Asian or white, male or female, old or young... And this retreat, with all these different people from different backgrounds coming together in one place for ten days is evidence of how we can all strive toward improving ourselves, and how we can, from experience, share that improvement with people around us.

 We all posess that essential element of being human and being constantly subject to the changing nature of the world and of ourselves. We can look inward to find true calm, true peace and true happiness. We can experience the world and just be, but not be caught up with all the noise and bustle. This is the way to higher living, to living free from fear, and living with real joy and peace.

On reflections

When did it come to me? Was it in a moment of true clarity or make-believe clarity (ie confusion)?

I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.

I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.

 But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!

I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...

But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...


9.39

Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?

I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?

Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...

He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...?  And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.

He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...

Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?

All I know  was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!


 20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)


The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.

And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...

Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.

 reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating  that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...

Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome

Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.

And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.

 These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.

By thinking about these things, by  realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that  all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.

Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.

Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.

This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.

But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.

Lighten up

It's counterintuitive, it's against the grain of things, but in the face of heaviness, in the face of difficulties and sadness, lighten up! Smile, laugh, let go! In the face of fear, of gloom, of feeling like a failure, lighten up!

I spoke to the abbot in a personal interview and told him how much relationship woes and the health of my mother has weighed me down in recent years...

He was taken aback by all i've gone through already at my age.  illness and death... Sickness and dying. It is all the elements and certainties of life that the Buddha taught are  unavoidable and unchangeable.  And I've experienced it all, close up.

But I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still willing to go on and find peace, recover peace despite all I've gone through. An that is more than what a lot of people already.

 I may not be a perfect practitioner who meditates day and night, but the teachings and understandings are there and ingrained within me: nothing is ever permanent, everything will change... Everything will pass and disappear. Sadness, happiness, love, hatred, longing, loneliness... It will all disappear and come, come and disappear...

So lighten up! Don't take life so seriously! Don't frown and see things with gloom and doom! Don't see failure and live with regret and remorse about what could have been or what may have been... And don't live dreaming and fantasising about the future. Enjoy the moment, take in every single moment as if it were the last. Take in every single moment, take every single surrounding you find yourself in, take every person you are with, and experience that moment, that place, that person to the fullest. all we could ever do in life is try our best and do our best. Nothing more, nothing less.

What is worry and agitation going to do for you and your mother, he asked me. Nothing. In fact, wouldn't mum feel much better if she saw me happy, I she saw me do what I'm doing and pursuing my dreams and goals?

How can I help her if I myself are so angry and so torn by agitation, frustration and fear of her dying alone? I cannot cure my mum, that is the doctor's work, but I can give her bits of happiness and hope that will go a long long way. One day she will die, how or when nobody knows. But do all you can do support her, to make her feel loved and make her feel that this life has been worth it. That is all I can ever do, for her, for anyone. Make her feel special, make her feel that she is special, despite all the pain and suffering she may be experiencing. And to give her happiness and joy, I must develop it first within me.

Get rid of the negativities, get rid of unnecessary fetters ad worries, get rid of things and people who stand in the way of your happiness and make your life problematic. Infuse yourself with joy and beautiful things, surround yourself with people who care about you, who love you, who can support you and be a friend in the practice and pursuit of a meaningful life of spirituality and clarity.

Lighten up... Lighten yourself, lighten your load. The world, with all its people and places, is only ever so much.

The world is so beautiful... The forest so colorful, the sunset so magnificent and dazzling, the sky so pale, the wind so calming and cool... Just me and the sound of my footsteps, and the echoes of the monk's words: Lighten up!

I smiled and smiled, bearing a grin that strangers, if they see me now, would think I'm completely nutters. But the smile smiled itself, and even now as I type I cannot hide the grin...

 I have not felt so happy, so truly happy for a long, long time. I hope whenever I am sad, whenever I am feeling down and defeated, I will remember this moment, and that the memory of this moment will infuse into the future me, and make me smile and smile.


20.35
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

Imagine there is a smooth river, the river of life, and there are two shores. One filled with danger, prone to flooding and making you drown, another is a safe haven, a place of tranquility and serenity.

We have a choice... To struggle hard, to flap about wildly in the water. Or we can take things easily, we can drop things and float, let the river carry us eventually to safety.

Our intuition is to struggle hard, to resist the water because we are so afraid of drowning, afraid of losing everything, afraid of losing control, afraid of death and the uncertainties of where the river may carry us. The more we struggle, the more waves and whirlpools of confusion and agitation we create. The flooded shore awaits with fear, jealousy, ill-will, hatred, delusion, remorse and sadness. And somehow most  people go through life believing, thinking that the more we struggle, the more difficult and painful life is, the closer and easiest it is to saving ourselves and simplifying things.

But life can be easy, life can be smooth and flowing. That does not mean that no effort is needed or that one can be complacent ad just sit around. It means that you need to work In the right direction, have the right effort and rights views and realisations to propel yourself toward the shore of safety and tranquility. Coming to a place, taking time out, resisting the mainstream belief that we must be "doing" something to be useful and 'good' in society, is a beginning to reaching safer shores.

People may (and people have) question you on why you are locking yourself away and withdrawing from everything. Because it is necessary, to distance yourself from the people, objects and problems that you are too close too to realise that they are heavy on your shoulders or hinder your own growth and happiness. Think of a retreat, of meditation as lifting yourself up, as a charge of energy to propel you further, to allow yourself to be stronger in facing hurdles and difficulties in life and the world.

When problems and hurdles come, we want to resist. We want to cling onto old ways and old circumstances, believing that is best because we know nothing  else. But that resistance  causes us great suffering, because we are  powerless to stop change, for the world, people, even this "self" (this "me") we cling onto are CIA tangly changing, flowing, shifting.

 There is no need to resist, even though the temptation to resist when we are in the river of life is strong. Similarly, when we are surrounded by life, by the world, with all its pressures, people's and opinions, we feel often oppressed and unfree.

But free yourself you can by taking things lightly, by infusing yourself with goodness, compassion, kindness, love and clarity. Distance yourself from the burdens and unnecessary weightiness of anger, negativity and self doubt.

step back, breathe, and lift yourself up by letting go... And go with the flow.

The past

I was just walking, walking... A cold, blustery morning. Just walking, just letting my mind follow the movements of my feet... Left, right, left, right...

Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...

 Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...

Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I  left his bedroom for the last time...

Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth,  his fatherly warmth...

The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?

And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?

I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.




20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.

The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...

When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself

Resolution

I sat and watched my breath for a while... And then there was suddenly a sense of clarity.

For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.

But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.

The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.

Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will    (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.

And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.

I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason  I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...

But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what.  But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.

However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.

There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ?  But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.

I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...

 I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.

He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move  on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.

I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.

 I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...

I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.

I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.

But now I need to go...

I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.

Time wasted

That was already half an hour? What did I waste my energy on? On random thoughts and imaginary events, on deceiving memories and crude fantasies of what may be, what could have been, but never was and never will be.

Half an hour of my life went away just like that. And I realise what a waste of energy and my life that has been. Imagine the times and moments when I don't realise, when I just let the precious moments slip away without realising I am letting the mind run wild and take over me.

All that time and energy can be spent doing more constructive things...

17.43

Driving myself insane with thoughts...

Of my friend, of the strange status we find ourselves in, of the fear of losing a special, special bond... Of my cat, and how i'm abandoning her so much... And thoughts of mum's illness, and what my role is in her life now...

LET THINGS GO!


18.14
The wind suddenly changed, I could hear it blow stronger and stronger. Out of nowhere, it seemed, such strength, such brute force. Leaves fled in  bedazzled confusion, needle-like rain left wet stains the clear window.

I watched from the shelter of the house, watched the storm approach and darken the skies with grey and gloom. On the horizon, clusters of white clouds that still glistened in the gilded light of dusk shyly retreated to make way for the denser and weightier clouds.

Birch trees that stood tall like bamboos swayed and shivered. The wind was fierce, but the trees are fiercer, more reisilient. Shrubs , with golden round leaves like shiny coins, tossed their bodies in a frantic dance.

Then it happened. Right before my eyes, a tree gave in and bent in two. Like a person with weak knees, the top of the tree tumbled and fell, leaving a jagged stump standing in the middle of the birch forest. Did the tree fall? Yes it did, I saw it.

But how many trees have fallen, how many trees have grown since time immemorial beyond my knowledge, beyond what I can see? Did those trees not fall, did those trees not grow, even when I was not there to witness tier fall or growth?

The world moves on, and how little of it I can see, and even less of it I can control.

20.33
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

Enjoy yourself... Infuse yourself with joy.

Fill your mind with happiness and pleasure, virtue and goodness. Pleasure not in the material and worldly sense, but pleasure that is satisfying and lasting. Pleasure that feeds the heart and calms the mind.

There is nothing you have to do, no place in particular you have to arrive at, nothing in particular you must achieve.

Just enjoy yourself, fill your mind with serenity and peace, and in that peace find clarity and certainty, find happiness and even more joy that will propel those positive energies and emotions and dispel the negativities and fears.

Too often we are striving too hard, trying to push ourselves, trying to compare ourselves to others, and even to the way we used to be.

Too often there is much doubt, much uncertainty, much disturbance because we fear we are not 'good' enough, because we are filled with regrets and unfulfilled desires.

 But real joy, real happiness is not about seeking pleasures and distractions from somewhere else, from someone else. It is to be found when you let go, when you open the heart and flush it with ease and lightness.

We cling on so much to burdens and worries. It's a force of habit. We want to change the way things are, we want to change the way people are, and we are frustrated when we realise, wen we know we cannot change much. We can only accept the way things are, and let things be...

Relax our minds, relax our tightly clenched fists and wants, and open ourselves to what there is around us... Open ourselves and see the lightness in everything, in everyone, and in every moment we experience and live with.

Let go of the heaviness of your heart an mind, let go of the unnecessary burdens and worries and fears...

Infuse yourself with light, goodness and joy. And watch all that lightness, goodness and joy multiply and infect others around you.

Second day

Had a rough night of sleep, as my room mate snores. Fell asleep for only a few hours, the rest of the time, I lay awake listening to the snoring and feeling too warm and agitated.

Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.

Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...

But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.

I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.

To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.


17.03

This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...

Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.

My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...

Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...

The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and  uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...

Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.

None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...

20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)

How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?

Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.

It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.

Clarity and lightness

(from a dhamma talk given by Ajahn Sona)

Clarity and lightness, that is what we have come for.

 To live a simple life, abide by the eight  precepts that will help us realise those characteristics of existence, one we have difficulty reaching in our daily lives.

 refraining from intoxicants, from lying, from entertainment and luxury... And perhaps most challenging of all, refraining from sexual conduct, the one human experience that so encapsulates all extremes of physical and emotional contact.

All of these simple restraints will help us detach from the attachments and worldly material objects we are so used to in daily life. For ten days, all we have to work with, all we have to work on, is the mind. No phones, no Internet connections, no need for study or the learning of great long texts. Just study mind, how it works, how it runs around, and how to tame it. Loose all the mundane chores, loose all the attachments to things and people we normally have.

I've been told I'm insane to isolate myself for so long. But really, how many people are there who can take the time out, who willingly put their life on halt in the pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and development?

It won't be easy, and it will take time to settle down and bring your mind and body to this one place. But once that can be done, there is a lot of inner potential to be discovered... You can free yourself from fear, free yourself from constant worry, free whims of desire and longing, free yourself from being a driven by changes of emotions, which sway and change like the wind. You can liberate yourself, lift yourself up, and feel a sense of tranquility and happiness unmatched by anything that the material world can provide

In the end, if you succeed, there can be more clarity, and you will feel lighter.

Disappearing

Last sign of life before I go into the retreat.

Away...

At the airline lounge, half an hour or so before boarding. It's empty here, somewhat like what I'm feeling right now. outside the window a row of planes are waiting to take off. Soon enough it will me soaring into the skies...

My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...

Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.

He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.

What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.

He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.

Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.

Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.

Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.

She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.

"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...

I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.

Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.

I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year

The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...

But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.

It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...

But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.

Piercing through

I packed my bags, and went for a jog to destress. Chances are, in the coming two weeks or so I won't get much opportunity to really exercise. And, the earlier bouts of crying today, coupled with the last-minute rush to finish covering all the essential readings for my upcoming exam, I needed to breathe, breathe and breathe deep.

It had just rained, and the sun was breaking through. I jogged down my street, suburbia with mowed lawns, white picket faces and wondering cats. And something caught my eye...

A shock of red  adorning a tree. Others have not yet put on such crimson blush, not yet, but this one tree was brave and bold. I continued jogging, but could not keep my eyes off of the redness, the bright redness that seem to shine and glimmer.

Through the park I jogged, and it was beautiful. The rain dampened the world, and left a thin, thin veil of mist floating like free clouds just above the wet grass fields. The forest looked enchanting, like an inviting and mysterious unknown waiting to be explored. And the sun's rays pierced through, sending curtains of light shooting through the crevices between  trees and the still dense foliage. I was reminded of the beautiful sunrises and sunsets I experienced last year at the monastery, and am looking forward to seeing many more...

After the rain, the world feels cleansed and refreshed, untainted and pure again. All the haze of the brewing rain, all the dust of the oppressive heat early have now vanished. And what is left behind is a tranquil peace, a tranquil scene, and a temporarily tranquiled mind that admired and treasured that beautiful moment in the forest...

flash of an image

I was studying, and momentarily glanced at my notebook. When on standby, pictures from my photo album flash buy...

...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...

That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.

I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.

How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety... 

I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?

Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?

The tears trickling down now tell me no...

last morning

I spent the last night with my friend. Perhaps the last night for a long, long time to come, as I will be gone by this time tomorrow. We lay close to one another, naked, our bodies and warmth touching. I would wake up every few hours and pull in closer to him, snuggle up and put my arms around him.

Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....

To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...

And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.

It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up.  She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.

She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."

I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.

My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...

Two more days

Two more days till I leave, and I fill so stressed. Not that I'm unprepared to leave, just I have a lot of material to cover still for the first exam I'm about to do on 3 October.

 As I'll be in a retreat, there's really not much time for me to study, so I need to at least have read everything at least once before I leave. So many pages to go through, and to be honest I'm a little lost how much I'm supposed to know and greatly overwhelmed by the cases and articles i still need to read.

At the same time, I feel distracted, tired and weighed down, verging on breakdown. I'm so lost in thought and numbed by the emotional ups and downs of the past few weeks i don't know where to begin, how to begin describing what I'm feeling. relationship woes, mum's I'll health... I know they occupy a lot of my mind and dreams... Two reoccurring themes on my life that have cast such a heavy shadow over my life and my mind, two things I cannot easily just let go off and stop thinking about.

I know when the moment I step into the monastery I will calm down and recover my peace... But till then, a long few days I need to face full on and overcome.

waking up

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you


All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me 

Sometimes you wake up and wonder: why am I here? and that feeling is even more accentuated when you wake up next to someone you have been intimate with.

My friend (the ex) asked me over last night, and just before I arrived he warned me that he was busy helping someone. Well, not just someone, but the guy he has strong feelings for.

 I waited around outside till he was done before I headed to his apartment. I was uncomfortable, despite him inviting me over while he finished up what they were doing together. I felt like I was intruding in something private, and I didn't have to see it happening before my eyes. Almost as soon as I got in he began explaining how there was nothing going on, how they are just friends. He even offered to show me the details of their chat history.

I sat there wondering why he was telling me all this. We are not a couple any more, yet he feels the need to explain why he is in contact with the friend.  He kept on saying they're "just friends", but the more he said that the less comfortable and welcome I felt. I felt me being there was coming in the middle of something, even though he assured me nothing was happening. Didn't he say they were "just friends" when we were officially together? And didn't going to a concert "as friends" eventually led to the break down and break up of our relationship...?

I am not trying to pick at old wounds, and I don't spite myself for trying to help a friend. But I find it strange why he feels so compelled to convince me there is nothing going on between them. Is it for my sake, or for his own? Who am I to say who he can or cannot be in touch with? I didn't say anything when we were going out, and now, as just "a friend", I have even less say. What I simply don't want to misled into believing they are "just friends" again, and sometime down the line be told it was more than that. I have gone through that already, and I don't want to go through that, all that hurt from realising something I never saw or wanted to see...

It is the reason why now I find myself withdrawing, why I stop myself from expressing my deeper feelings, my deeper thoughts to my friend. I feel I have lost that sense of shelter I have so miraculously found.... lost that sense of comfort I stumbled across which told me it is alright to open up, it is alright to share my life with someone I trust, someone I love...


I am full of contradictions, I know, and often I surprise myself in the way I think and the way I behave.
Last night we had yet another powerful and passionate night together like no other. It felt like no other before, for we explored each other in ways we never before explored, and discovered rough and soft touches that are so very arousing. We fell asleep, drunken with sex and intimacy in each others embrace...

Come morning, I was dazed and lost. As wonderful as last night was, there was emptiness at the end of it all... Feelings that cannot be shared, thoughts that are unrevealed, kisses on the lips that cannot be exchanged. Something is in the way, something is keeping us apart, and I am tired of trying to figure out what, tired of not knowing who I am, to myself and to him.

I know between us it's never been just sex. We are not just 'friends with benefits". But it's less than love in the sense that we are in a relationship when there is just one person there and no one else. And it's a cause of unsatisfactoriness, of suspicion, of jealousy. At times I  find myself wondering, after being intimate, after waking up,  who I really am to him... Who am I really?

Three more days till I go away, till I leave this all behind. He jokes that I'll go away and come back full of lust and wanting pleasure. Maybe, maybe... But I do hope time and distance apart will give us both clarity of mind and thought, and make that emptiness inside go away...

I do hope there will be more clarity when I come back, so I can leave some things behind and finally, really, move on in whatever way.

Black blood

Mum was audibly tired.

The tiredness was in her voice, in the way she spoke. I toned down my cheerful tone when I realised what she had gone through.

She went into hospital early in the morning to take a blood sample. The nurse had difficulty finding veins in her arm, and when the blood was drawn, it was dark, almost black. The nurse was alarmed. "Have you been doing chemotherapy?" Mum said yes.

It stunned me to hear that. Black blood. How can that be? I've been with her so many times in the past, watched (and cringed) as she bravely had blood drawn with a syringe, watched as the blood slowly filled up the tune and dyed it red. But how is it now that it is black in colour? Is something wrong? I cringed at the imagination, and my heart sunk again. The nurse is also a little lost why the blood looks so dark.

"You don't need to call everyday," she said, "You must be busy preparing for your exam, and preparing for your trip." She reassured me again she will be fine. She is scheduled to return to hospital for an appointment with her main physician, and then back to the hospital in the morning to resume her bi-weekly treatment.

If she sounds weak now, how would she feel after her treatment? I have seen what the treatment does to her...  

I cringed and closed my eyes. "Collect myself, collect myself... be strong, be strong..." I heard myself saying to myself.