How the mind changes so quickly, from day to day, from moment to moment!
Just yesterday I was so sure, so determined to go home and spend some time with mum. But today, while meditating, I was filled with doubts, hindrances, fears... What if I can't leave as intended? What if I can't return to Canada because I don't have a proper study permit? What if the plane crashes?
And I was questing myself: why am I really going home? To escape from montreal, to keep more distance and time away from my friend so he (and I) can sort our feelings out? Or to be with mum, to really spend some time with her, just with her, to give her a boost of encouragement a support before I leave again to ultimately start pursuing my own goals in life?
Doubts, questioning, different reasons why I should and should not go home... Fears, missed opportunities, what may be, fear of missing out and coming home two weeks later to learn that much has changed in my absence... Fear that mum would be more hurt than helped by me showing up and leaving again so soon...
Fear of the unknown... Fears, anxieties, uncertainties...
All the things that were not there yesterday, but somehow have surfaced to disturb my peace, to conquer my mind...
All the things that through this retreat and meditation, I am supposed to overcome.
18.16
Just because someone (good looking and kind) offers you a ride, doesn't mean you're going to get together settle down and live long, happy lives together as partners and Buddhists!
But that is the way the mind wonders... The mind Takes a gesture, a word, a symbol, a sign and adds on meanings, fantasies and day dreams that do not exist! It's scary when you realise that so much time and energy is wasted allowing the mind to wonder and to proliferate freely and fantastically...
Some thoughts are plain absurd, completely out of touch with reality, completely imaginations of what may be or could be, just based on what I perceive to be. The guy is probably not even gay for starters, but I'm already imagining how soft and gentle his touch must be, how caring and sensitive he must be, just based on what i've observed him doing over the last week or so...!
Ridiculous... But this is the nature of the mind- it has (literally) a mind of its own, likes to escape reality and dive deep into surreal, imaginative fabrications of what re world should be idealistically based on our deepest desires, fears and delusions. And good that I see it, can try to capture and tame the mind before it proliferates any more, before it gets any more lost and confused by what is real and what is imaginary. But just think how often we are lost in thoughts, lost in flights of fantasy, but do not realise it... Just think how often we may just do things without realising that we are perhaps influenced in our ways by our inherent "greed, hatred and delusion".
I see how dangerous it is that a word, a kind gesture, a move can be so misinterpreted and be used to fuel imaginary realities in the mind... Or it could be just the effects of delusions from deprived of sexual release for the past seven days.
20.38 (dharma talk by sister Mahn)
To a little child who is learning, you would not be too harsh or punish him for making a mistake or for wondering around. For the child to learn needs patience, encouragements, and equanimity.
It is the same with our minds... Our minds have been so conditioned to respond, to react, to have feelings of aversion, to have feelings longing and desire. But the mind can learn to just experience, to just be, to not have so many wandering thoughts, to have equanimity of feelings, to be unmoved by external factors and change that go on all around us.
The teachings Buddha are simple: there is suffering and discontent in all of us, but we can develop and let the happiness and calm that is also within all of us thrive. There is that potential in everyone, we just need patience, understanding and clarity to develop those potentials.
Like we eat a varied diet to maintain the health of our bodies, we must also have a varied practice of meditation to cultivate the health of our minds. Meditating on the breath is good to calm our minds and reach the here and now, but we can also cultivate loving kindness.
We can cultivate love and kindness for all beings, spread love and warmth to those closest to us, to our friends, and even to those we are in conflict with. Just the sending out love, compassion, and understanding from our minds is powerful enough to fill our hearts and minds with much calm and joy.
We can also develop calmness and clarity by meditating on death and impermanence. By reflecting in our minds that everything will die, everything will change, we free our minds from clinging and attachments, we allow ourselves to better see and experience this world as it really is, and not as we would like it to be- which is ultimately the cause of all our pain and suffering when what we want the world to be is not the way it really is.
Anyone can do this... Asian or white, male or female, old or young... And this retreat, with all these different people from different backgrounds coming together in one place for ten days is evidence of how we can all strive toward improving ourselves, and how we can, from experience, share that improvement with people around us.
We all posess that essential element of being human and being constantly subject to the changing nature of the world and of ourselves. We can look inward to find true calm, true peace and true happiness. We can experience the world and just be, but not be caught up with all the noise and bustle. This is the way to higher living, to living free from fear, and living with real joy and peace.
29 September 2011
28 September 2011
On reflections
When did it come to me? Was it in a moment of true clarity or make-believe clarity (ie confusion)?
I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.
I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.
But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!
I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...
But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...
9.39
Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?
I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?
Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...
He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...? And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.
He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...
Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?
All I know was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!
20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.
And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...
Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.
reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...
Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome
Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.
And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.
These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.
By thinking about these things, by realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.
Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.
Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.
This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.
But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.
I don't know. But at this very moment, I've decided that as soon as I finish my exam on Monday, I'm going to head home.
I want to see mum, I want to tell her that I love her, and care about her, in person, not over the phone. Over the past few weeks, I had this realisation that what I've been doing over the last three years or so has been wrong. I've been wanting to spend time with her, take care of her, thinking I can do that and that she will be happy with it.
But in truth, she will be happiest when I'm done with my thesis, when I'm starting my career, when I've completed my bar. She'll be happiest when she sees me settled down, and, as she said to me before, hopefully with someone who can take acre of me and give me much needed love and support. She will be happiest when i'm happy!
I want her to know that I realise that now... That I care about her deeply, and because of that I'm going to do what seems very counter-intuitive...
But aren't all wise things so unconventional and out of the ordinary frame of thinking? I'm going to live my life fully, so she can live hers too. And she needs to know that, hear that from me, in person...
9.39
Is it a curse or a blessing? If it hurts the people I meet, even if I never intend to hurt them and leave them thinking of me long after I have left their lives, then it's a curse. Or is it?
I've been told by many people that I'm 'special', that I touch people in a way that makes them feel special. I know I'm not an angel, and that like all human beings, I can be selfish, jealous and angry. But somehow, and I don't know if it's the way I behave, the things I say (or even write), the way I just am, seems to touch people. It's a powerful 'gift', if it cab be called that, and I'd like to hope I use it, and can use it, to bring goodness and warmth into people's hearts and lives... But what if I leave people wanting? What if somehow, without realizing it, I leave people longing and hoping for something and hurt them in the process?
Remember a few days ago I saw the face of the few people I went out with before? Suddenly, out of nowhere, I got an email from one of them. Was it sent on the day I sat there and meditated and saw his face appear before me? That would have been a bizarre coincidence, a strange connection of minds through distance and time...
He wrote to me, four years or so after our first meeting. He said he has been thinking of me recently, and that I've come in and out of his mind over the years since that day we met. It was his first date, and very special. I remember going out for dinner and to the movies i remember his face, and his firm handshake... I remember it was pleasant, and that I wanted to see him again, but we never did meet again after that. I know we met twice, but I don't remember how it all ended or why we didn't keep in touch any more. Was he waiting for me to write, and was I waiting for him to take the move...? And soon, though I don't remember how soon afterwards, I moved to Canada.
He said he could not forget about me, and he said I'm one of the most kind-hearted person he's ever met. And he wants closure. Since our meeting, i seem to have left a gap in his life and prevented him from moving forward. He wants to know what it was we were doing, why it was we even met... Was it out of 'charity', he called it, that I wrote to him and met him twice? Reading that, four years on, sent shivers down my spine...
Really, I don't remember, but I hate to think, to realise, that somehow we didn't keep in touch because I just didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. Am I that mean? And again, going back to how I 'touch' people, did I realise how he was interested in me at the time? Did I realise the power I seem to have over some people, and did I abuse that power?
All I know was that I was young, we both were young, and I just wanted to meet new people, to find someone to relate to, to do things with, and if it clicks, to get an experience at romance, at love!
20.42
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
The Buddha didn't really preach and pluck commandments from the heavens. Instead he told us simple truths that we can all see and experience by ourselves.
And he told us to reflect on five simple realities often to free ourselves from suffering and living in fear...
Reflect on aging, for once we are born, we begin to age, to grow older... We see and experience first hand our wrinkles, our graying hair, our weakening bodies and energies. No pill, no insurance policy can prevent our aging.
reflect on illness, for no one is immune to falling ill. Whether it's a common cold, or a debilitating that causes you to lose the independence we take for granted... Too often we take for granted what this body does for us and must undergo, and one day, if we are not careful, it can become weakened or broken by something external or internal...
Reflect on loss, for we all grow attached to things, to people, but ultimately, whether within our control or beyond our control, we will lose what or whom we hold dear... Loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of an opportunity... All forms of loss can be difficult to overcome
Reflect on death, for we will all die, and we will all face death, from afar or see it in people around us... One day, we too will die. When or how, nobody knows.
And finally, reflect on taking accountability for your words, thoughts and deeds, for somehow everything will come back to you, in one way or another. Don't walk away from someone in anger. Don't lie or cheat because another person will never find out. Never think just because nobody knows, it does not matter, because you know, and whatever it is that you've done or thought will weigh heavily on your conscience. There may not be a god or deity to fear, but your own ease of sleep, the clarity and cleanliness of your mind and thoughts will cause you much restlessness and anxiety.
These are all important values and objects to reflect on to realise the fragility of your own life and your mind, and to relate to the fragility of the lives, wellbeing and thoughts of others.
By thinking about these things, by realising how we are always ao vulnerable and susceptible to these realities of aging, illness, loss and death, we humble ourselves and become more prepared for life and what it has in store for us. We are more in touch with reality, the true nature of things and of being, so that when something happens, we do not easily fall into despair, anger or frustration. Of course, it is only human to feel all those emotions, but we can mould the mind to not dwell too much in negative emotions, and to stay afloat, buoyed by the knowledge that all will pass, in times of facing harsh realities and the truth of life.
Why is it that we are often so confused, agitated and want to avoid reality? Why do we want to distract ourselves and keep ourselves busy and moving all the time? Because we are often afraid to face reality, and the disappointments it brings us when things do not go according to our wishes.
Meditation is a way to bringing us closer to this moment, to just being, and not doing. For in being, in calming the mind and trying to capture it before it flurries off into the past or the future, you are facing the ultimate reality... The ins and outs of the breaths that keep you alive, the pains and aches of the muscles and bones that you feel come and go, the intensity, rising and fading away of thoughts and desires that seem so real, yet can as quickly disappear as they came only to be replaced by another feeling or thought.
This world is only so much, this body of ours is only so frail and fragile. We are constantly subject to relentless change and unpredictability.
But we can develp the mind, cultivate joy and serenity to allow the mind to be more accepting and open to the realities of the world and the changes beyond our control.
27 September 2011
Lighten up
It's counterintuitive, it's against the grain of things, but in the face of heaviness, in the face of difficulties and sadness, lighten up! Smile, laugh, let go! In the face of fear, of gloom, of feeling like a failure, lighten up!
I spoke to the abbot in a personal interview and told him how much relationship woes and the health of my mother has weighed me down in recent years...
He was taken aback by all i've gone through already at my age. illness and death... Sickness and dying. It is all the elements and certainties of life that the Buddha taught are unavoidable and unchangeable. And I've experienced it all, close up.
But I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still willing to go on and find peace, recover peace despite all I've gone through. An that is more than what a lot of people already.
I may not be a perfect practitioner who meditates day and night, but the teachings and understandings are there and ingrained within me: nothing is ever permanent, everything will change... Everything will pass and disappear. Sadness, happiness, love, hatred, longing, loneliness... It will all disappear and come, come and disappear...
So lighten up! Don't take life so seriously! Don't frown and see things with gloom and doom! Don't see failure and live with regret and remorse about what could have been or what may have been... And don't live dreaming and fantasising about the future. Enjoy the moment, take in every single moment as if it were the last. Take in every single moment, take every single surrounding you find yourself in, take every person you are with, and experience that moment, that place, that person to the fullest. all we could ever do in life is try our best and do our best. Nothing more, nothing less.
What is worry and agitation going to do for you and your mother, he asked me. Nothing. In fact, wouldn't mum feel much better if she saw me happy, I she saw me do what I'm doing and pursuing my dreams and goals?
How can I help her if I myself are so angry and so torn by agitation, frustration and fear of her dying alone? I cannot cure my mum, that is the doctor's work, but I can give her bits of happiness and hope that will go a long long way. One day she will die, how or when nobody knows. But do all you can do support her, to make her feel loved and make her feel that this life has been worth it. That is all I can ever do, for her, for anyone. Make her feel special, make her feel that she is special, despite all the pain and suffering she may be experiencing. And to give her happiness and joy, I must develop it first within me.
Get rid of the negativities, get rid of unnecessary fetters ad worries, get rid of things and people who stand in the way of your happiness and make your life problematic. Infuse yourself with joy and beautiful things, surround yourself with people who care about you, who love you, who can support you and be a friend in the practice and pursuit of a meaningful life of spirituality and clarity.
Lighten up... Lighten yourself, lighten your load. The world, with all its people and places, is only ever so much.
The world is so beautiful... The forest so colorful, the sunset so magnificent and dazzling, the sky so pale, the wind so calming and cool... Just me and the sound of my footsteps, and the echoes of the monk's words: Lighten up!
I smiled and smiled, bearing a grin that strangers, if they see me now, would think I'm completely nutters. But the smile smiled itself, and even now as I type I cannot hide the grin...
I have not felt so happy, so truly happy for a long, long time. I hope whenever I am sad, whenever I am feeling down and defeated, I will remember this moment, and that the memory of this moment will infuse into the future me, and make me smile and smile.
20.35
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Imagine there is a smooth river, the river of life, and there are two shores. One filled with danger, prone to flooding and making you drown, another is a safe haven, a place of tranquility and serenity.
We have a choice... To struggle hard, to flap about wildly in the water. Or we can take things easily, we can drop things and float, let the river carry us eventually to safety.
Our intuition is to struggle hard, to resist the water because we are so afraid of drowning, afraid of losing everything, afraid of losing control, afraid of death and the uncertainties of where the river may carry us. The more we struggle, the more waves and whirlpools of confusion and agitation we create. The flooded shore awaits with fear, jealousy, ill-will, hatred, delusion, remorse and sadness. And somehow most people go through life believing, thinking that the more we struggle, the more difficult and painful life is, the closer and easiest it is to saving ourselves and simplifying things.
But life can be easy, life can be smooth and flowing. That does not mean that no effort is needed or that one can be complacent ad just sit around. It means that you need to work In the right direction, have the right effort and rights views and realisations to propel yourself toward the shore of safety and tranquility. Coming to a place, taking time out, resisting the mainstream belief that we must be "doing" something to be useful and 'good' in society, is a beginning to reaching safer shores.
People may (and people have) question you on why you are locking yourself away and withdrawing from everything. Because it is necessary, to distance yourself from the people, objects and problems that you are too close too to realise that they are heavy on your shoulders or hinder your own growth and happiness. Think of a retreat, of meditation as lifting yourself up, as a charge of energy to propel you further, to allow yourself to be stronger in facing hurdles and difficulties in life and the world.
When problems and hurdles come, we want to resist. We want to cling onto old ways and old circumstances, believing that is best because we know nothing else. But that resistance causes us great suffering, because we are powerless to stop change, for the world, people, even this "self" (this "me") we cling onto are CIA tangly changing, flowing, shifting.
There is no need to resist, even though the temptation to resist when we are in the river of life is strong. Similarly, when we are surrounded by life, by the world, with all its pressures, people's and opinions, we feel often oppressed and unfree.
But free yourself you can by taking things lightly, by infusing yourself with goodness, compassion, kindness, love and clarity. Distance yourself from the burdens and unnecessary weightiness of anger, negativity and self doubt.
step back, breathe, and lift yourself up by letting go... And go with the flow.
I spoke to the abbot in a personal interview and told him how much relationship woes and the health of my mother has weighed me down in recent years...
He was taken aback by all i've gone through already at my age. illness and death... Sickness and dying. It is all the elements and certainties of life that the Buddha taught are unavoidable and unchangeable. And I've experienced it all, close up.
But I'm still here, I'm still standing. I'm still willing to go on and find peace, recover peace despite all I've gone through. An that is more than what a lot of people already.
I may not be a perfect practitioner who meditates day and night, but the teachings and understandings are there and ingrained within me: nothing is ever permanent, everything will change... Everything will pass and disappear. Sadness, happiness, love, hatred, longing, loneliness... It will all disappear and come, come and disappear...
So lighten up! Don't take life so seriously! Don't frown and see things with gloom and doom! Don't see failure and live with regret and remorse about what could have been or what may have been... And don't live dreaming and fantasising about the future. Enjoy the moment, take in every single moment as if it were the last. Take in every single moment, take every single surrounding you find yourself in, take every person you are with, and experience that moment, that place, that person to the fullest. all we could ever do in life is try our best and do our best. Nothing more, nothing less.
What is worry and agitation going to do for you and your mother, he asked me. Nothing. In fact, wouldn't mum feel much better if she saw me happy, I she saw me do what I'm doing and pursuing my dreams and goals?
How can I help her if I myself are so angry and so torn by agitation, frustration and fear of her dying alone? I cannot cure my mum, that is the doctor's work, but I can give her bits of happiness and hope that will go a long long way. One day she will die, how or when nobody knows. But do all you can do support her, to make her feel loved and make her feel that this life has been worth it. That is all I can ever do, for her, for anyone. Make her feel special, make her feel that she is special, despite all the pain and suffering she may be experiencing. And to give her happiness and joy, I must develop it first within me.
Get rid of the negativities, get rid of unnecessary fetters ad worries, get rid of things and people who stand in the way of your happiness and make your life problematic. Infuse yourself with joy and beautiful things, surround yourself with people who care about you, who love you, who can support you and be a friend in the practice and pursuit of a meaningful life of spirituality and clarity.
Lighten up... Lighten yourself, lighten your load. The world, with all its people and places, is only ever so much.
The world is so beautiful... The forest so colorful, the sunset so magnificent and dazzling, the sky so pale, the wind so calming and cool... Just me and the sound of my footsteps, and the echoes of the monk's words: Lighten up!
I smiled and smiled, bearing a grin that strangers, if they see me now, would think I'm completely nutters. But the smile smiled itself, and even now as I type I cannot hide the grin...
I have not felt so happy, so truly happy for a long, long time. I hope whenever I am sad, whenever I am feeling down and defeated, I will remember this moment, and that the memory of this moment will infuse into the future me, and make me smile and smile.
20.35
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Imagine there is a smooth river, the river of life, and there are two shores. One filled with danger, prone to flooding and making you drown, another is a safe haven, a place of tranquility and serenity.
We have a choice... To struggle hard, to flap about wildly in the water. Or we can take things easily, we can drop things and float, let the river carry us eventually to safety.
Our intuition is to struggle hard, to resist the water because we are so afraid of drowning, afraid of losing everything, afraid of losing control, afraid of death and the uncertainties of where the river may carry us. The more we struggle, the more waves and whirlpools of confusion and agitation we create. The flooded shore awaits with fear, jealousy, ill-will, hatred, delusion, remorse and sadness. And somehow most people go through life believing, thinking that the more we struggle, the more difficult and painful life is, the closer and easiest it is to saving ourselves and simplifying things.
But life can be easy, life can be smooth and flowing. That does not mean that no effort is needed or that one can be complacent ad just sit around. It means that you need to work In the right direction, have the right effort and rights views and realisations to propel yourself toward the shore of safety and tranquility. Coming to a place, taking time out, resisting the mainstream belief that we must be "doing" something to be useful and 'good' in society, is a beginning to reaching safer shores.
People may (and people have) question you on why you are locking yourself away and withdrawing from everything. Because it is necessary, to distance yourself from the people, objects and problems that you are too close too to realise that they are heavy on your shoulders or hinder your own growth and happiness. Think of a retreat, of meditation as lifting yourself up, as a charge of energy to propel you further, to allow yourself to be stronger in facing hurdles and difficulties in life and the world.
When problems and hurdles come, we want to resist. We want to cling onto old ways and old circumstances, believing that is best because we know nothing else. But that resistance causes us great suffering, because we are powerless to stop change, for the world, people, even this "self" (this "me") we cling onto are CIA tangly changing, flowing, shifting.
There is no need to resist, even though the temptation to resist when we are in the river of life is strong. Similarly, when we are surrounded by life, by the world, with all its pressures, people's and opinions, we feel often oppressed and unfree.
But free yourself you can by taking things lightly, by infusing yourself with goodness, compassion, kindness, love and clarity. Distance yourself from the burdens and unnecessary weightiness of anger, negativity and self doubt.
step back, breathe, and lift yourself up by letting go... And go with the flow.
26 September 2011
The past
I was just walking, walking... A cold, blustery morning. Just walking, just letting my mind follow the movements of my feet... Left, right, left, right...
Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...
Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...
Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I left his bedroom for the last time...
Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth, his fatherly warmth...
The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?
And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?
I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.
20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.
The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...
When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself
Then our of nowhere faces of my past appeared...
Carmen... Her beautiful face, her lovely smile, her loud, careless laughter... The touch of her hand as she lay in her bed and slept. So warm, so frail, yet so warm it felt...
Tehwei... His calm complexion, his seriousness, his gentle voice, his poetic way with words... I too held onto his hand as he struggled and groaned in pain... I had to hold on to my tears till I left his bedroom for the last time...
Dad... His closed eyes, his familiar scent, his lips, his eyebrows, his thin, frail body... I held onto his hand as he slipped away from this world. I was the last person who touched him when he drew his last breath... I felt his warmth, his fatherly warmth...
The blustery wind blew into my eyes, and tears shed unexpectedly. How many people I have lost over the past few years! Am I stronger? Or have I become weighed down with death and loss?
And who do I have left? Mum, but she too is fading quickly from my life. And I will lose her too. Then what...? Who would I have in my life I can really share with, talk to and not feel inhibited and say what I feel...? Who do I have now I can show my love to and pour out all these warm, intimate feelings?
I held onto my arms tightly, hugged myself, and braved the wind and the rain that was beginning to fall.
20.37
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Why do we practice? To see the changing nature of the world, to see beyond what are mere symbols. We practice to see... To see beyond the beauty and beyond the temporariness of every thing and every one in the world. We practice to liberate ourselves, to free our minds from attaching too much objects and persons who eventually, because they will disappear or die, will cause us suffering.
The practice is not dead unchanging. You should modify the practice to match your moods and energy levels. If you're tired, stand or walk. If you're agitated, walk quicker. If you're calm and collected, sit and try to sit without time constraints. Sometimes the mind can only be tamed after an hour, or even two hours. Sometimes you can sit and quickly calm your mind and bring it to this present moment. But often it'll escape and run wild. Sit and watch it, for sitting is the best posture (followed by standing, walking and lying down). Sit, and if necessary change postures mindfully and slowly, always maintaining that calm and that collectedness. After a while you will realise...
When there is clarity and lightness, when you are not burdened by worries, anxieties and fears, then you can see clearly. Then you will realise the truth of things, the true nature of things, and you will free yourself
Resolution
I sat and watched my breath for a while... And then there was suddenly a sense of clarity.
For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.
But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.
The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.
Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.
And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.
I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...
But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what. But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.
However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.
There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ? But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.
I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...
I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.
He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.
I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.
I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...
I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.
I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.
But now I need to go...
I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.
For almost a year I've been caught and entangled in two problems that have so loomed over my life and happiness. My mum's health, which i cannot change, and my relationship with my friend, which too I cannot change.
But I can let one thing go, and there will be less on my shoulders. I can drop one and focus my energies on one thing, so that I'm not divided or distracted, and so that I can find more peace.
The other day, my friend told me he would like to "resolve" me. He too has been caught in an entangled mess, caught between two people. He's been unhappy, and torn. Well, I can help him resolve me... I will go.
Ive said this before, i know. But one of us has to be resolved (as in determined) to make a step. I will no longer be in the way, I will no longer make him feel torn. I will (try) to stop having any contact with my friend, to give him time to thunk things through, to give him the freedom to do what he wants, to give him the space to find out where his heart truly lies.
And the easiest way to do that is to take leave.
I can leave here, drop everything and not look back, and not have to keep on wondering whether I should stay here because there is a chance still with my friend. For the last few years, ever since I met him, I've been back an forth, going back to Canada because it is where I feel happiest and freeest. But part of, if not the main, reason I kept on going back to Canada is because he was there, he was waiting for me, as a friend, as a lover...
But now those feelings have waned and become soured, I fear... It was so beautiful, how we supported one another and was there for one another, no matter what. But somehow I feel that can no longer be without one of us feeling torn and conflicted.
However much I am hurting, however much I long for company and a listening ear, however much I would like to just cry in front of someone, I have lost that... I no longer want to be a user of what he called "listening services". I simply can't force my feelings and my emotional needs on him, not when he wants me to be "resolved" so he can move on.
There is still that care and love, I know it, I feel it. Does he feel it? Does he know it? Does he feel the depth of those feelings ? But it is now confused and we are both too close to see whether we are hanging around one another because of the comfort and because we're so used to it, or because there truly is something there between us.
I care about him, I love him still, yet it is tiring, almost a year on, that we are still in the same place, more or less... It is tiring to keep on wondering, as I wondered last year when he said he wanted to be with me, whether there is another person in his mind, in his heart. It is exhausting to be next to him, to hold and hug him, to try to kiss him, and yet be turned away. I did that to him too, I know...
I know I created much of this mess, I have myself to blame. But I want to free myself, to free him, from this all by stepping out, by removing myself, if only for a little while.
He can have his time to think, to pursue his own happiness, to be free and be guilt-free about starting something. He does not have to worry any more whether if he starts to see someone, I would get angry and hurt because it's so soon after our breakup. He does not have to explain himself anymore how much he is writing to someone or that it is all "just friends". And the more I get away, the further I am, the less he will know about my life, my troubles, which will make him worry less, and help him to move on. I really would rather not, but I don't know how best to deal with the whole situation other than run away and put all this great big distance and barrier between us.
I treasure his friendship, and all that he has given me over the past few years. But I have taken enough from him, I have kept him away from his happiness and dreams far too long by being such an overbearing presence in his life.
I want him to be happy, I really do. I want him to find the person who can give him what I could never fully provide him... I want him to feel appreciated, loved, cared for who he is... I want someone who can share his interest in music, pop culture and fancy clothes, someone who can keep him laughing, keep him smiling, instead of make him sad or make him frown with such heavy topics as my mum's health and the such. I feel I have been and become such a burden, and kept him from the beautiful gift of smiling, of laughing, of loving unconditionally...
I can let go him him, let him be free, and in the mean time I can free myself too from all this relationship trouble and entanglements that have caused us both much sorrow and wasted energies.
I want to let him go, for it is easiest for both of us. And in the long run, I think we'll benefit from it. If we are really such strong friends, I we are really meant to be together and realise that sometime from now, then let that be.
But now I need to go...
I need to let him go, for his sake, and for my own.
24 September 2011
Time wasted
That was already half an hour? What did I waste my energy on? On random thoughts and imaginary events, on deceiving memories and crude fantasies of what may be, what could have been, but never was and never will be.
Half an hour of my life went away just like that. And I realise what a waste of energy and my life that has been. Imagine the times and moments when I don't realise, when I just let the precious moments slip away without realising I am letting the mind run wild and take over me.
All that time and energy can be spent doing more constructive things...
17.43
Driving myself insane with thoughts...
Of my friend, of the strange status we find ourselves in, of the fear of losing a special, special bond... Of my cat, and how i'm abandoning her so much... And thoughts of mum's illness, and what my role is in her life now...
LET THINGS GO!
18.14
The wind suddenly changed, I could hear it blow stronger and stronger. Out of nowhere, it seemed, such strength, such brute force. Leaves fled in bedazzled confusion, needle-like rain left wet stains the clear window.
I watched from the shelter of the house, watched the storm approach and darken the skies with grey and gloom. On the horizon, clusters of white clouds that still glistened in the gilded light of dusk shyly retreated to make way for the denser and weightier clouds.
Birch trees that stood tall like bamboos swayed and shivered. The wind was fierce, but the trees are fiercer, more reisilient. Shrubs , with golden round leaves like shiny coins, tossed their bodies in a frantic dance.
Then it happened. Right before my eyes, a tree gave in and bent in two. Like a person with weak knees, the top of the tree tumbled and fell, leaving a jagged stump standing in the middle of the birch forest. Did the tree fall? Yes it did, I saw it.
But how many trees have fallen, how many trees have grown since time immemorial beyond my knowledge, beyond what I can see? Did those trees not fall, did those trees not grow, even when I was not there to witness tier fall or growth?
The world moves on, and how little of it I can see, and even less of it I can control.
20.33
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Enjoy yourself... Infuse yourself with joy.
Fill your mind with happiness and pleasure, virtue and goodness. Pleasure not in the material and worldly sense, but pleasure that is satisfying and lasting. Pleasure that feeds the heart and calms the mind.
There is nothing you have to do, no place in particular you have to arrive at, nothing in particular you must achieve.
Just enjoy yourself, fill your mind with serenity and peace, and in that peace find clarity and certainty, find happiness and even more joy that will propel those positive energies and emotions and dispel the negativities and fears.
Too often we are striving too hard, trying to push ourselves, trying to compare ourselves to others, and even to the way we used to be.
Too often there is much doubt, much uncertainty, much disturbance because we fear we are not 'good' enough, because we are filled with regrets and unfulfilled desires.
But real joy, real happiness is not about seeking pleasures and distractions from somewhere else, from someone else. It is to be found when you let go, when you open the heart and flush it with ease and lightness.
We cling on so much to burdens and worries. It's a force of habit. We want to change the way things are, we want to change the way people are, and we are frustrated when we realise, wen we know we cannot change much. We can only accept the way things are, and let things be...
Relax our minds, relax our tightly clenched fists and wants, and open ourselves to what there is around us... Open ourselves and see the lightness in everything, in everyone, and in every moment we experience and live with.
Let go of the heaviness of your heart an mind, let go of the unnecessary burdens and worries and fears...
Infuse yourself with light, goodness and joy. And watch all that lightness, goodness and joy multiply and infect others around you.
Half an hour of my life went away just like that. And I realise what a waste of energy and my life that has been. Imagine the times and moments when I don't realise, when I just let the precious moments slip away without realising I am letting the mind run wild and take over me.
All that time and energy can be spent doing more constructive things...
17.43
Driving myself insane with thoughts...
Of my friend, of the strange status we find ourselves in, of the fear of losing a special, special bond... Of my cat, and how i'm abandoning her so much... And thoughts of mum's illness, and what my role is in her life now...
LET THINGS GO!
18.14
The wind suddenly changed, I could hear it blow stronger and stronger. Out of nowhere, it seemed, such strength, such brute force. Leaves fled in bedazzled confusion, needle-like rain left wet stains the clear window.
I watched from the shelter of the house, watched the storm approach and darken the skies with grey and gloom. On the horizon, clusters of white clouds that still glistened in the gilded light of dusk shyly retreated to make way for the denser and weightier clouds.
Birch trees that stood tall like bamboos swayed and shivered. The wind was fierce, but the trees are fiercer, more reisilient. Shrubs , with golden round leaves like shiny coins, tossed their bodies in a frantic dance.
Then it happened. Right before my eyes, a tree gave in and bent in two. Like a person with weak knees, the top of the tree tumbled and fell, leaving a jagged stump standing in the middle of the birch forest. Did the tree fall? Yes it did, I saw it.
But how many trees have fallen, how many trees have grown since time immemorial beyond my knowledge, beyond what I can see? Did those trees not fall, did those trees not grow, even when I was not there to witness tier fall or growth?
The world moves on, and how little of it I can see, and even less of it I can control.
20.33
(from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
Enjoy yourself... Infuse yourself with joy.
Fill your mind with happiness and pleasure, virtue and goodness. Pleasure not in the material and worldly sense, but pleasure that is satisfying and lasting. Pleasure that feeds the heart and calms the mind.
There is nothing you have to do, no place in particular you have to arrive at, nothing in particular you must achieve.
Just enjoy yourself, fill your mind with serenity and peace, and in that peace find clarity and certainty, find happiness and even more joy that will propel those positive energies and emotions and dispel the negativities and fears.
Too often we are striving too hard, trying to push ourselves, trying to compare ourselves to others, and even to the way we used to be.
Too often there is much doubt, much uncertainty, much disturbance because we fear we are not 'good' enough, because we are filled with regrets and unfulfilled desires.
But real joy, real happiness is not about seeking pleasures and distractions from somewhere else, from someone else. It is to be found when you let go, when you open the heart and flush it with ease and lightness.
We cling on so much to burdens and worries. It's a force of habit. We want to change the way things are, we want to change the way people are, and we are frustrated when we realise, wen we know we cannot change much. We can only accept the way things are, and let things be...
Relax our minds, relax our tightly clenched fists and wants, and open ourselves to what there is around us... Open ourselves and see the lightness in everything, in everyone, and in every moment we experience and live with.
Let go of the heaviness of your heart an mind, let go of the unnecessary burdens and worries and fears...
Infuse yourself with light, goodness and joy. And watch all that lightness, goodness and joy multiply and infect others around you.
Second day
Had a rough night of sleep, as my room mate snores. Fell asleep for only a few hours, the rest of the time, I lay awake listening to the snoring and feeling too warm and agitated.
Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.
Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...
But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.
I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.
To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.
17.03
This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...
Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.
My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...
Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...
The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...
Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.
None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...
20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?
Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.
It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.
Meditation was disturbed, sleepy, and my mind wandered a lot.
Something is preoccupying me, and that's whether to fly home, to taiwan, straight after the retreat and after sitting the exam. It seems so ridiculous, I know. Flying off again, putting everything else on hold...
But I'm tempted to see mum and check up on how she's doing... Her image and well-being has been coming and going in my mind. And in a way, I'm tempted to stay away from Montreal longer, so I don't have to go back and face whatever is happening there, namely the situation with my friend.
I know, I'm an escapist, and I like to just get away when things are not going well. It's part of the reason why I'm here, isolated from everything, from everyone else. Get away, get away as far as possible, not because I don't want to deal with things. I'm actually not sure how to deal with things. But because I believe with time and distance things will solve themselves.
To escape... And to delve into my mind and figure out what is unsettling me so.
17.03
This afternoon, in my meditation I saw many things float up...
Faces of people I once went out with when I first started online dating, some five, six years ago. Not many, i can count them with one hand, and I don't think of them at all anymore. One person i can't even remember the name of. But vividly I could see the places we went, the things we did. Nothing ever came of those dates, and they just faded from my life, as I faded from theirs.
My mind jumped and jumped, and was preoccupied with my friend, my ex, filled with memories and events that have taken place over the past three years... As I sat there with eyes closed, things came back to me... Some memories make me feel warm inside, some memories fill me with regret or even hurt...
Let go, let go... It all happened in the past, it is over and done with, and cannot be undone, cannot be relived again...
The strange way the mind works... At one point, suddenly my thoughts turned to mum. I heard the word "selfish, selfish" echo in my head. My mind conjured up this painful, terrible image of her dying... Lying on the floor, yet helpless and no one is around to hear her call for help. I opened my eyes, shocked by the scenery, the imagination that my mind had somehow created out of the fears and uncertainties I'm feeling about not being with mum...
Let go, let go... It is all a fabrication of the mind.
None of it is real... The future is not for anyone to see, let alone fear and dread...
20.49
(notes from a dhamma talk by Ajahn Sona)
How can you help anyone ease their pain and suffering if you yourself have a lot? Many people are well intentioned and hope to help others... Friends, family, strangers, colleagues... Yet they themselves are caught up in confusion, delusion and irritation, and have little peace. How do you hope to offer peace and solace to others when you are seeking it yourself?
Sometimes it takes courage to retreat, to withdraw. Not because you are cowardly and want to shy away from worldly affairs, not because you do not care or have no compassion for the troubles of those you love and care about most. Most of us live and want to change the world, want to change the way people are, the way things are... But change starts within.
It takes time, and there may be a period of solitude and reflection which may appear daunting and frightening. But that is the only way to find peace of mind, and true happiness that is not dependent on the changing nature of the world and of people. Only by realising that in finding peace within can you really hope to offer it to others. Only by realising the meaning of happiness, true compassion and love, can you give to the world and infect others around you with the same.
23 September 2011
Clarity and lightness
(from a dhamma talk given by Ajahn Sona)
Clarity and lightness, that is what we have come for.
To live a simple life, abide by the eight precepts that will help us realise those characteristics of existence, one we have difficulty reaching in our daily lives.
refraining from intoxicants, from lying, from entertainment and luxury... And perhaps most challenging of all, refraining from sexual conduct, the one human experience that so encapsulates all extremes of physical and emotional contact.
All of these simple restraints will help us detach from the attachments and worldly material objects we are so used to in daily life. For ten days, all we have to work with, all we have to work on, is the mind. No phones, no Internet connections, no need for study or the learning of great long texts. Just study mind, how it works, how it runs around, and how to tame it. Loose all the mundane chores, loose all the attachments to things and people we normally have.
I've been told I'm insane to isolate myself for so long. But really, how many people are there who can take the time out, who willingly put their life on halt in the pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and development?
It won't be easy, and it will take time to settle down and bring your mind and body to this one place. But once that can be done, there is a lot of inner potential to be discovered... You can free yourself from fear, free yourself from constant worry, free whims of desire and longing, free yourself from being a driven by changes of emotions, which sway and change like the wind. You can liberate yourself, lift yourself up, and feel a sense of tranquility and happiness unmatched by anything that the material world can provide
In the end, if you succeed, there can be more clarity, and you will feel lighter.
Clarity and lightness, that is what we have come for.
To live a simple life, abide by the eight precepts that will help us realise those characteristics of existence, one we have difficulty reaching in our daily lives.
refraining from intoxicants, from lying, from entertainment and luxury... And perhaps most challenging of all, refraining from sexual conduct, the one human experience that so encapsulates all extremes of physical and emotional contact.
All of these simple restraints will help us detach from the attachments and worldly material objects we are so used to in daily life. For ten days, all we have to work with, all we have to work on, is the mind. No phones, no Internet connections, no need for study or the learning of great long texts. Just study mind, how it works, how it runs around, and how to tame it. Loose all the mundane chores, loose all the attachments to things and people we normally have.
I've been told I'm insane to isolate myself for so long. But really, how many people are there who can take the time out, who willingly put their life on halt in the pursuit of spiritual wellbeing and development?
It won't be easy, and it will take time to settle down and bring your mind and body to this one place. But once that can be done, there is a lot of inner potential to be discovered... You can free yourself from fear, free yourself from constant worry, free whims of desire and longing, free yourself from being a driven by changes of emotions, which sway and change like the wind. You can liberate yourself, lift yourself up, and feel a sense of tranquility and happiness unmatched by anything that the material world can provide
In the end, if you succeed, there can be more clarity, and you will feel lighter.
Away...
At the airline lounge, half an hour or so before boarding. It's empty here, somewhat like what I'm feeling right now. outside the window a row of planes are waiting to take off. Soon enough it will me soaring into the skies...
My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...
Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.
He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.
What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.
He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.
Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.
Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.
Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.
She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.
"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...
I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.
Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.
I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year
The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...
But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.
It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...
But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.
My friend stayed the night, and we slept next to one another. We spooned one another, and I wanted those moments to last forever... I'm in his arms, he in mine... No one else, nothing else. Being so close to another person, feeling his warmth, feeling the softness of his breath, the gentleness of his touch, the smoothness of his beautiful skin, is more intoxicating than anything else, more intimate than simple sex...
Alas there can be a long time, there can be a short time, there is a night, there can be "five more minutes". Nothing lasts forever.
He accompanied me to the bus station, and we exchanged our last words. I looked into his eyes, beautifully glistening in the morning sun. He forced a smile, I did too.
What was behind his smile? Behind mine was some unwillingness to go, some doubt about when I will be back again, and the certainty that while I'm away I'll think of him, miss him. The bus pulled away, I waved, he waved.
He turned away and walked away, looking smart in a dark suit. In his hand, he carried a little sack containing his gym things, and a card I had hidden for him to read. "Find your peace..." he said to me. I hope that he too will find peace and happiness that he so longs for.
Later at the airport, I spoke to mum. As soon as I put down the phone, there will be no communication for the coming ten days. And I'm very afraid of that.
Two days after her latest treatment, she still sounded tired and somewhat pensive. The painkillers infuse a state of drowsiness into her days now, but at least they help to mask the pain. She does not know it, but I have the keys to the house, and I can go see her in twelve days time. All I need to do is cross the ocean.
Mum went on for a few moments about how the markets are diving again. I could not really hear her... All I could think of, all I could see is her in that house all by herself. That makes me sad. Retired, with the potential to enjoy her life finally, but she lost her husband, and is losing her health... I told her to take good care, repeated what by now is the same chant about how she should eat well, how she should exercise and go outdoors.
She hears this so often now, I wondered to myself whether my words have any effect at all. I wish so often, as I wished when I spoke to her earlier, I could hold her hand, hug her tightly, and tell her all these things in person. I wish I could do that and much more instead having to suppress my sobs and tears while I'm on the phone with her. I wish I could tell her how much I love her, how much I pray and hope that she is well, free from pain, and strong.
"Be brave," I said. Those were my last words to mum. She will no doubt be on my mind...
I'm going away to find my peace. I wish i did not have to, but it is for the best, i know. I'm leaving home and the familiar surroundings and comfort of what I have grown so used to to find myself, when in fact everything is in the mind and how I choose to perceive things and people around me.
Looking back at my diary, which contained notes and scribbles from exactly a year ago, I emerged from the monastery charged and rejuvenated. I was reminded of how for a few moments during my retreat, I found true bliss, true happiness that is independent of anyone, that is not dependent on anything. For a few brief moments, my mind reached a state of blankness that was serene and stable, that was free from confusion, lust or fears.
I know what is gone cannot be recreated, cannot be felt again. But I do hope at least some peace and quiet In the seclusion of the forest will lift the troubles, emotional upheavals and events that have filled my life an disturbed me so over the past year
The moment I enter that monastery, there is nothing more I can do, nothing more I can say to change things and the ways of the world. Things will happen in my absence, things I will found out, if that, only after I emerge. And it will all have happened, it will all have passed...
But I can change my mind, change myself and how I relate to everything else around me. I can learn to let go of the people and events that trouble me so, learn to be with myself, with my mind, and learn to tame it.
It is the perhaps most difficult task of all, and most people don't dare or don't know how to look inward to see the disturbances and ugliness that is often simmering inside... Most people don't know how to cultivate the tranquility and compassion of the mind and heart...
But I will try. And I hope, for my sake, and for the sake of others in my life, I will be one step closer to dropping a lot of the baggage that is weighing down on my shoulders.
22 September 2011
Piercing through
It had just rained, and the sun was breaking through. I jogged down my street, suburbia with mowed lawns, white picket faces and wondering cats. And something caught my eye...
A shock of red adorning a tree. Others have not yet put on such crimson blush, not yet, but this one tree was brave and bold. I continued jogging, but could not keep my eyes off of the redness, the bright redness that seem to shine and glimmer.
Through the park I jogged, and it was beautiful. The rain dampened the world, and left a thin, thin veil of mist floating like free clouds just above the wet grass fields. The forest looked enchanting, like an inviting and mysterious unknown waiting to be explored. And the sun's rays pierced through, sending curtains of light shooting through the crevices between trees and the still dense foliage. I was reminded of the beautiful sunrises and sunsets I experienced last year at the monastery, and am looking forward to seeing many more...
After the rain, the world feels cleansed and refreshed, untainted and pure again. All the haze of the brewing rain, all the dust of the oppressive heat early have now vanished. And what is left behind is a tranquil peace, a tranquil scene, and a temporarily tranquiled mind that admired and treasured that beautiful moment in the forest...
flash of an image
I was studying, and momentarily glanced at my notebook. When on standby, pictures from my photo album flash buy...
...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...
That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.
I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.
How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety...
I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?
Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?
The tears trickling down now tell me no...
...And I saw one of mum, standing in the forest, smiling beautifully in the morning sun. I must have clandestinely taken that picture when she was not looking...
That flash of an image somehow triggered something in me and I cried.
I became so scared... so very very scared. That smile, will I see that again? Fuelled by news of two mother's who have just recently passed away (even though I do not know them personally), my mind became disturbed with images of death, of mum in her final moment... The pain was overwhelming, and tears oozed out of my eyelids.
How have I become so fragile? When did I become such a fragile mess, so sensitive to emotional downs and tears? Is it because I was for a while too dependent on one person? Is it because I allowed myself to become vulnerable, and now find it hard to pull myself together and push forward? I forget now what it feels like to be happy... to be really happy and free from worry, free from fear and anxiety...
I wish I could contain the sadness, the fear. But I cannot. And what makes it worse is that I have very little to rely on to vent my fears and tears now. I have lost that support I have grown so accustomed to. In fact, just yesterday, my friend (my ex) and I were just talking about it... about how he was worried that if something should happen I have nobody to turn to. His friend, the one who just lost her mum to cancer, has terrible downs and moments. But she has a husband, someone more than a friend, who can offer all the patience, consolation, empathy and time to comfort and grieve together with her in times of need. And what greater need is there when you lose a loved one, when you lose a parent?
Mum's picture, mum's smile flashed across my screen, and then moments later disappeared. One day, she really will disappear. And am I strong enough for it? Am I ready for it on my own? Am I going to be able to face it without breaking down, without tearing my heart and my mind apart...?
The tears trickling down now tell me no...
last morning
I spent the last night with my friend. Perhaps the last night for a long, long time to come, as I will be gone by this time tomorrow. We lay close to one another, naked, our bodies and warmth touching. I would wake up every few hours and pull in closer to him, snuggle up and put my arms around him.
Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....
To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...
And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.
It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up. She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.
She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."
I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.
My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...
Come morning, I saw him off as he rushed off to attend a conference. He looked beautiful, smart in his suit and tie. He smiled at me, and I waved and wished him a good day. Such a simple, beautiful moment... for a moment I felt like we were a couple, and I was seeing him off, kissing him on the cheeks as he went out for the day as I am about to begin my own. But that is not the case. We are just two friends, who sleep with one another, who have feelings for one another that cannot be said... feelings that are afraid to be shared because of the akwardness, because of not wanting to be reminded of what we had, and not wanting to be reminded of what we seem to be on the verge of loosing... In my mind, I will for a long time remember that beautiful image of him walking down the corridor in his suit, holding his briefcase, and his overwhelming scent lingering long after he left....
To the office I headed to finish off my final stretch of studying before I leave. One more chapter to read, and then I will have to just make do with what I have covered for the exam in two weeks' time. I called mum to check up on her...
And again I ended up crying quietly as I spoke to her.
It took a while before mum picked up the phone. She sounded sleepy, like she had just woken up. She wasn't sleeping, just laying down to rest her arm. It feels less sore that way, or at least, more comfortable. She said she had difficulty making a meal, and for a while, her arm was too weak to do the dishes.
She said she had just taken pain killers, and it'd take a while till the pain subsides, or is not felt. For six hours or so. The whole day she has been just lying around, tired and lethargic. It's always like this, she said, "You know how it is..."
I do know, but I cannot help but feel so upset, so responsible for some reason, even though I know if I were next to her, I can do nothing more than console her and comfort her as I am doing over the phone. I teared quietly as I told her "Please eat well... please take care of yourself, and be strong..." They were such simple powerful words, but so difficult to say.
My mind drifted to news of a friend whose mother just passed away. At a moment's notice, she returned home... And the mother of a friend of a friend passed away after years battling cancer. I don't even know the people who passed away, but I feel as if I could feel their pain, feel their sadness, even though I know pain and sadness are such person, personal emotions...
20 September 2011
Two more days
Two more days till I leave, and I fill so stressed. Not that I'm unprepared to leave, just I have a lot of material to cover still for the first exam I'm about to do on 3 October.
As I'll be in a retreat, there's really not much time for me to study, so I need to at least have read everything at least once before I leave. So many pages to go through, and to be honest I'm a little lost how much I'm supposed to know and greatly overwhelmed by the cases and articles i still need to read.
At the same time, I feel distracted, tired and weighed down, verging on breakdown. I'm so lost in thought and numbed by the emotional ups and downs of the past few weeks i don't know where to begin, how to begin describing what I'm feeling. relationship woes, mum's I'll health... I know they occupy a lot of my mind and dreams... Two reoccurring themes on my life that have cast such a heavy shadow over my life and my mind, two things I cannot easily just let go off and stop thinking about.
I know when the moment I step into the monastery I will calm down and recover my peace... But till then, a long few days I need to face full on and overcome.
As I'll be in a retreat, there's really not much time for me to study, so I need to at least have read everything at least once before I leave. So many pages to go through, and to be honest I'm a little lost how much I'm supposed to know and greatly overwhelmed by the cases and articles i still need to read.
At the same time, I feel distracted, tired and weighed down, verging on breakdown. I'm so lost in thought and numbed by the emotional ups and downs of the past few weeks i don't know where to begin, how to begin describing what I'm feeling. relationship woes, mum's I'll health... I know they occupy a lot of my mind and dreams... Two reoccurring themes on my life that have cast such a heavy shadow over my life and my mind, two things I cannot easily just let go off and stop thinking about.
I know when the moment I step into the monastery I will calm down and recover my peace... But till then, a long few days I need to face full on and overcome.
waking up
Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you
All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me
Sometimes you wake up and wonder: why am I here? and that feeling is even more accentuated when you wake up next to someone you have been intimate with.
My friend (the ex) asked me over last night, and just before I arrived he warned me that he was busy helping someone. Well, not just someone, but the guy he has strong feelings for.
I waited around outside till he was done before I headed to his apartment. I was uncomfortable, despite him inviting me over while he finished up what they were doing together. I felt like I was intruding in something private, and I didn't have to see it happening before my eyes. Almost as soon as I got in he began explaining how there was nothing going on, how they are just friends. He even offered to show me the details of their chat history.
I sat there wondering why he was telling me all this. We are not a couple any more, yet he feels the need to explain why he is in contact with the friend. He kept on saying they're "just friends", but the more he said that the less comfortable and welcome I felt. I felt me being there was coming in the middle of something, even though he assured me nothing was happening. Didn't he say they were "just friends" when we were officially together? And didn't going to a concert "as friends" eventually led to the break down and break up of our relationship...?
I am not trying to pick at old wounds, and I don't spite myself for trying to help a friend. But I find it strange why he feels so compelled to convince me there is nothing going on between them. Is it for my sake, or for his own? Who am I to say who he can or cannot be in touch with? I didn't say anything when we were going out, and now, as just "a friend", I have even less say. What I simply don't want to misled into believing they are "just friends" again, and sometime down the line be told it was more than that. I have gone through that already, and I don't want to go through that, all that hurt from realising something I never saw or wanted to see...
It is the reason why now I find myself withdrawing, why I stop myself from expressing my deeper feelings, my deeper thoughts to my friend. I feel I have lost that sense of shelter I have so miraculously found.... lost that sense of comfort I stumbled across which told me it is alright to open up, it is alright to share my life with someone I trust, someone I love...
I am full of contradictions, I know, and often I surprise myself in the way I think and the way I behave.
Last night we had yet another powerful and passionate night together like no other. It felt like no other before, for we explored each other in ways we never before explored, and discovered rough and soft touches that are so very arousing. We fell asleep, drunken with sex and intimacy in each others embrace...
Come morning, I was dazed and lost. As wonderful as last night was, there was emptiness at the end of it all... Feelings that cannot be shared, thoughts that are unrevealed, kisses on the lips that cannot be exchanged. Something is in the way, something is keeping us apart, and I am tired of trying to figure out what, tired of not knowing who I am, to myself and to him.
I know between us it's never been just sex. We are not just 'friends with benefits". But it's less than love in the sense that we are in a relationship when there is just one person there and no one else. And it's a cause of unsatisfactoriness, of suspicion, of jealousy. At times I find myself wondering, after being intimate, after waking up, who I really am to him... Who am I really?
Three more days till I go away, till I leave this all behind. He jokes that I'll go away and come back full of lust and wanting pleasure. Maybe, maybe... But I do hope time and distance apart will give us both clarity of mind and thought, and make that emptiness inside go away...
I do hope there will be more clarity when I come back, so I can leave some things behind and finally, really, move on in whatever way.
19 September 2011
Black blood
Mum was audibly tired.
The tiredness was in her voice, in the way she spoke. I toned down my cheerful tone when I realised what she had gone through.
She went into hospital early in the morning to take a blood sample. The nurse had difficulty finding veins in her arm, and when the blood was drawn, it was dark, almost black. The nurse was alarmed. "Have you been doing chemotherapy?" Mum said yes.
It stunned me to hear that. Black blood. How can that be? I've been with her so many times in the past, watched (and cringed) as she bravely had blood drawn with a syringe, watched as the blood slowly filled up the tune and dyed it red. But how is it now that it is black in colour? Is something wrong? I cringed at the imagination, and my heart sunk again. The nurse is also a little lost why the blood looks so dark.
"You don't need to call everyday," she said, "You must be busy preparing for your exam, and preparing for your trip." She reassured me again she will be fine. She is scheduled to return to hospital for an appointment with her main physician, and then back to the hospital in the morning to resume her bi-weekly treatment.
If she sounds weak now, how would she feel after her treatment? I have seen what the treatment does to her...
I cringed and closed my eyes. "Collect myself, collect myself... be strong, be strong..." I heard myself saying to myself.
The tiredness was in her voice, in the way she spoke. I toned down my cheerful tone when I realised what she had gone through.
She went into hospital early in the morning to take a blood sample. The nurse had difficulty finding veins in her arm, and when the blood was drawn, it was dark, almost black. The nurse was alarmed. "Have you been doing chemotherapy?" Mum said yes.
It stunned me to hear that. Black blood. How can that be? I've been with her so many times in the past, watched (and cringed) as she bravely had blood drawn with a syringe, watched as the blood slowly filled up the tune and dyed it red. But how is it now that it is black in colour? Is something wrong? I cringed at the imagination, and my heart sunk again. The nurse is also a little lost why the blood looks so dark.
"You don't need to call everyday," she said, "You must be busy preparing for your exam, and preparing for your trip." She reassured me again she will be fine. She is scheduled to return to hospital for an appointment with her main physician, and then back to the hospital in the morning to resume her bi-weekly treatment.
If she sounds weak now, how would she feel after her treatment? I have seen what the treatment does to her...
I cringed and closed my eyes. "Collect myself, collect myself... be strong, be strong..." I heard myself saying to myself.
ça marche
"David...
Jacob...
Jean-Claude...
Marie-Claire..."
Names. Such common names of common people. I heard my name, and the name of my newborn nephew. And that chilled me so.
Names. Lists of names. Faceless names, names of people I have never met, and I will never ever have the chance to meet. A slight shiver went up my spine. Chilling, haunting, sad...
I walked slowly on as more names were read out over a microphone, alternating between the solemn voice of man and a woman. The sun was so bright, yet for a few moments there was an atmosphere of gloom as the names of victims of AIDS were read out. Silent dancers dressed in black moved their bodies in tortured movements.
A number of marchers stood quietly and looked down. A girl wiped the tear from the corner of her moistened eye. A white balloon attached to the zipper of a friend, which till this point had been flying wildly in our faces, seemed to bow in respect.
With a number of friends, I embarked on my third Ça Marche walk. There were many wearing matching white T-shirts, the back of which you could write how many marches you have attended. For many it was the first time, but I saw one who was taking part for the fifteenth time.
Another beautiful morning, and it began again at a square colloured by red and white balloons and people from all walks of life. Children, families, gay couples, the young and the old, and even dogs joined the walk to raise awareness about AIDS and demystify common misconceptions. Because, as one clever placard read, "Judging spreads AIDS". A powerful ad campaign by La Vie portrays couples holding one another and engaged in very intimate acts. But all over their bodies are symbolically the arms and hands of their past partners. when you sleep with someone, you also sleep with their past, goes the caption.
A little care, a little precaution, a little more understanding and compassion can go a long, long way...
17 September 2011
Secret
"What could be better than two people falling in love and giving to each other their lives?" mum said. I almost instantly cried (I know, I seem to be or want to cry a lot these days...). "It doesn't really matter who they are, as long as they love each other."
She said she's been "researching" and reading up on things, and she has come to accept "it" more. "It" being homosexuality. Of late, she said she has been watching "Dream of the Red Chamber", a Chinese classic text that vividly describes all sorts of friends and relationships and beautifully captures the human psyche. In it, with its multitude of characters, all sorts of relationships are portrayed. Love between man and woman, and love between man and man. Mum said she cried many times watching the tv dramatisation of this great classic text (which for a while was banned due to its controversial themes), and she recommended I read it someday.
Toward the end of our daily phone conversation mum said to me: "As long as you are happy, and he provides you with much love and support, then that is the most important." He meant no other than my friend, my ex, which was awkward, because I had told her that we are no longer together before. But I guess the way we hang around one another, the way we contact one another and speak to one another when we are apart makes it hard for the outside world to believe that we are really not together.
So I told her again that we are no longer together. "Shame," she said, "He is such a nice boy and he cares about you so much." I could say nothing else, but deep inside can only wonder again why we are no longer together. I guess I'll never really understand.
But the reason why the topic of homosexuality came up was not about me. It was about someone in my extended family, whom mum somehow found out is gay. He recently went to university, and soon afterward he met this guy and they have been together since. How innocent, how beautiful... I can imagine it (or perhaps I am beautifying it...): eighteen year olds, perhaps their first romance, first love, first experiences of being in love. How beautiful, how wonderful that is...!
The mums on both sides know, are alright with it, at least as ok as they can be. "I realise more and more," mum said, "There are so many [gays] here, and I am more accepting." And she told me how the other day, when mum went to see dad, she told him about me, and asked him for understanding and acceptance.
I am glad, for deep down inside a knot that has been tying me down has been untied even more.
She said she's been "researching" and reading up on things, and she has come to accept "it" more. "It" being homosexuality. Of late, she said she has been watching "Dream of the Red Chamber", a Chinese classic text that vividly describes all sorts of friends and relationships and beautifully captures the human psyche. In it, with its multitude of characters, all sorts of relationships are portrayed. Love between man and woman, and love between man and man. Mum said she cried many times watching the tv dramatisation of this great classic text (which for a while was banned due to its controversial themes), and she recommended I read it someday.
Toward the end of our daily phone conversation mum said to me: "As long as you are happy, and he provides you with much love and support, then that is the most important." He meant no other than my friend, my ex, which was awkward, because I had told her that we are no longer together before. But I guess the way we hang around one another, the way we contact one another and speak to one another when we are apart makes it hard for the outside world to believe that we are really not together.
So I told her again that we are no longer together. "Shame," she said, "He is such a nice boy and he cares about you so much." I could say nothing else, but deep inside can only wonder again why we are no longer together. I guess I'll never really understand.
But the reason why the topic of homosexuality came up was not about me. It was about someone in my extended family, whom mum somehow found out is gay. He recently went to university, and soon afterward he met this guy and they have been together since. How innocent, how beautiful... I can imagine it (or perhaps I am beautifying it...): eighteen year olds, perhaps their first romance, first love, first experiences of being in love. How beautiful, how wonderful that is...!
The mums on both sides know, are alright with it, at least as ok as they can be. "I realise more and more," mum said, "There are so many [gays] here, and I am more accepting." And she told me how the other day, when mum went to see dad, she told him about me, and asked him for understanding and acceptance.
I am glad, for deep down inside a knot that has been tying me down has been untied even more.
Games?
I found myself lying awake in bed this morning, merely a few hours after going to sleep. Piercing through is the glorious bright light of a chilly autumns day, and the hint of change on the trees outside my bedroom window. I lie next to my friend, hear his faint breathing, find myself wanting to lean close, to hug him. But find myself hesitating too.
Last night was a wonderful evening spent with friends, drinking and socializing. At times, I found my friend looking at me, winking at me playfully from the corner of his eyes... And yet, at times I saw him distracted, looking down and frantically tapping away on his phone, communicating with i can only guess is the guy he wants to be with...
I lie next to him and wonder... All the conversations we have had over the course of the last months, weeks, and we are still in a limbo, in that in-between place of having it all, and having nothing. I told him if he wants to be with the other person, go for it, there is nothing standing in his way now. And he told me outright that there are issues he feels he must resolve with me before he can move on (and indeed, in a couple of months, he is moving away to another city...).
I lie next to him and wonder... What am I doing with him, and what am I doing to myself? I'm giving him warmth, affection, little playful and intimate touches and pokes, I put my arms around him when we sleep next to one another to keep him warm. And he does the same too, wrapping his arms around me and leaning against me in a snug, beautiful fit. What does he still have to resolve with me? What is
there to resolve...?
The other day, he sang the lyrics of the song "Quit playing games with my heart"...
It's a horrible indictment to make, and I'd like to believe otherwise. My friend has on a number of occasions told me that I'm the "best" person he's come across. He says he can envision life with me, building a family and home with me, being comfortable and happy with me. In fact, he said a wonderful period of time we had was when I moved into my current apartment and were painting and decorating the place together. It was the first time he did that with anyone, and he said he felt he was building a home, a feeling I share too...
The other day, when he is ready he wants to be with me and will give me one hundred percent, for life. How am I supposed to respond to that when I see him trying again and again to pursue someone he knows somehow deep down inside may very well just be a short lived romance and momentary infatuation? Am I supposed to wait and wait till he's gone out and experienced something to make him realise what he really needs in life? How long should I be in this limbo and feel so drawn to his winks and smiles, touches and hugs?
And yet he has conflicted feelings which he cannot explain, which he is unable to overcome. Of course i am a (if not the) source of his confusion and of him having conflicted feeling toward two people, and I have very little say in what he should do or who he should be with. But even though we have broken up, we still spend many nights a week together, sleeping next to one another, enjoying the comfort and warmth we provide one another. For me, I can receive that comfort and warmth only from him... but he has options, and I am but one of the options...
Am I for the time being, before him and the other person officially get together, just a source of comfort and warmth that is readily available? Perhaps I am the very reason holding him back and preventing him from going into something deeper by being around. Perhaps I'm feeling the way I've made him feel during all that time when I was with him physically, but never really said outright I would be committed to him as the one and only...
I said to my friend the other day I hope he can really find what he wants, who he wants, and gain more clarity so he can move on, literally and metaphorically. Who does not want that, and who does not wish that to someone who is your best friend and whom you care about so very much? For his own sake first and foremost, and also for the sake of the people who have become entangled in this relationship triangle, he needs clarity, closure so he can start a new chapter in life, without lingering feelings, without wondering what if and why not...
Someone will get hurt in the short run, but with time, wounds will heal, and the past will be forgotten. If he feels so strongly for the other person, do something about it, I said, Don't linger and torture himself and others... If it is me who has to be resolved, then so be it. I will retire and distance myself and remove myself slowly and slowly from his life, and move on...
And going away in a few days for almost two weeks is a start to doing just that. I feel, and in a way, I admit, I fear, that when I come back there change will have blown in in my absence with the wind. Change, like the changing of the colours on the trees outside... Positive or negative, change is usually for the best.
At least I hope so...
Last night was a wonderful evening spent with friends, drinking and socializing. At times, I found my friend looking at me, winking at me playfully from the corner of his eyes... And yet, at times I saw him distracted, looking down and frantically tapping away on his phone, communicating with i can only guess is the guy he wants to be with...
I lie next to him and wonder... All the conversations we have had over the course of the last months, weeks, and we are still in a limbo, in that in-between place of having it all, and having nothing. I told him if he wants to be with the other person, go for it, there is nothing standing in his way now. And he told me outright that there are issues he feels he must resolve with me before he can move on (and indeed, in a couple of months, he is moving away to another city...).
I lie next to him and wonder... What am I doing with him, and what am I doing to myself? I'm giving him warmth, affection, little playful and intimate touches and pokes, I put my arms around him when we sleep next to one another to keep him warm. And he does the same too, wrapping his arms around me and leaning against me in a snug, beautiful fit. What does he still have to resolve with me? What is
there to resolve...?
The other day, he sang the lyrics of the song "Quit playing games with my heart"...
I live my life, the way
To keep you coming back to me
Everything I do
Is for you
So what is it that you can't see
Sometimes I wish I could
Turn back time
Impossible as it may seem
But I wish I could
So bad, baby you'd better quit playing games with my heart
It's a horrible indictment to make, and I'd like to believe otherwise. My friend has on a number of occasions told me that I'm the "best" person he's come across. He says he can envision life with me, building a family and home with me, being comfortable and happy with me. In fact, he said a wonderful period of time we had was when I moved into my current apartment and were painting and decorating the place together. It was the first time he did that with anyone, and he said he felt he was building a home, a feeling I share too...
The other day, when he is ready he wants to be with me and will give me one hundred percent, for life. How am I supposed to respond to that when I see him trying again and again to pursue someone he knows somehow deep down inside may very well just be a short lived romance and momentary infatuation? Am I supposed to wait and wait till he's gone out and experienced something to make him realise what he really needs in life? How long should I be in this limbo and feel so drawn to his winks and smiles, touches and hugs?
And yet he has conflicted feelings which he cannot explain, which he is unable to overcome. Of course i am a (if not the) source of his confusion and of him having conflicted feeling toward two people, and I have very little say in what he should do or who he should be with. But even though we have broken up, we still spend many nights a week together, sleeping next to one another, enjoying the comfort and warmth we provide one another. For me, I can receive that comfort and warmth only from him... but he has options, and I am but one of the options...
Am I for the time being, before him and the other person officially get together, just a source of comfort and warmth that is readily available? Perhaps I am the very reason holding him back and preventing him from going into something deeper by being around. Perhaps I'm feeling the way I've made him feel during all that time when I was with him physically, but never really said outright I would be committed to him as the one and only...
I said to my friend the other day I hope he can really find what he wants, who he wants, and gain more clarity so he can move on, literally and metaphorically. Who does not want that, and who does not wish that to someone who is your best friend and whom you care about so very much? For his own sake first and foremost, and also for the sake of the people who have become entangled in this relationship triangle, he needs clarity, closure so he can start a new chapter in life, without lingering feelings, without wondering what if and why not...
Someone will get hurt in the short run, but with time, wounds will heal, and the past will be forgotten. If he feels so strongly for the other person, do something about it, I said, Don't linger and torture himself and others... If it is me who has to be resolved, then so be it. I will retire and distance myself and remove myself slowly and slowly from his life, and move on...
And going away in a few days for almost two weeks is a start to doing just that. I feel, and in a way, I admit, I fear, that when I come back there change will have blown in in my absence with the wind. Change, like the changing of the colours on the trees outside... Positive or negative, change is usually for the best.
At least I hope so...
16 September 2011
“…quietly breaking down”
On the field of lower campus, there is a statue of James McGill. With one hand holding onto his hat as the other clutches a walking stick, he seems to be braving much resistance as he struggles forward. The other day, a dozen metres in the direction he is headed, hundreds of protesters gathered in support of a strike that has crippled much of the university.
Since the first day of September, exactly at the height of very hectic and busy time that characterises every new term, the core of the university’s administration has been on strike. Potentially, the strike could last for months if no compromise can be reached. Various picket lines have formed just outside the campus premises (law prohibits them from entering McGill premises), with staff rattling tambourines, striking metal bins, braving the rain and heat, and walking around in circles to defend their right to equitable pay.
The industrial action was called by McGill University Non-Academic Certified Association (MUNACA), the body that represents some 1700 McGill support staff. It was triggered by a breakdown in negotiations about the terms and conditions of employment, which have drastically been changed over a number of years. Salary increases have not met up with inflation or wage increases at other universities in the province, and a number of benefits have been unilaterally cut. “It’s the economy”, the university says.
“McGill is quietly breaking down”, as one of the speakers described it addressing the crowd. Security staff stood, stern faced and silent, and eyed the gathering crowd with folded arms. In the lukewarm sun, hundreds stood assembled and cheered as different speakers representing different communities of the university came out to speak in support of the strike. Disappointed, yet resilient, sidelined, yet not deterred, the crowd chanted slogans in unions and sang modified versions of popular songs to further their cause. In a further demonstration of solidarity, the student unions which represent undergraduates and postgraduates, as well as a number of professors and organisations, have voiced their staunch support for the strike.
It comes down to how much so many have dedicated their lives to this university, to ensuring the continued life and thriving of this community, and yet get very little recognition in return. And now they must make do with even less. The clapping of passersby and the honking horns of supportive drivers galvanised the protesters even more, and fueled the mutual feelings of unity and solidarity. A sea of placards with clever and succinct sentences described the workers’ discontent.
“McGill works because we do!”
“Support our support staff!”
“McGill students in solidarity!”
Among the crowd, I recognised a number of familiar faces. The librarian who works late into the night, and who must also work the whole day on Saturdays and Sundays… the secretaries who does everything and anything that is asked of them… Men and women I have seen around campus, maybe even nodded and smiled at as we crossed paths at times, but now, with their matching T-shirts, I have come to recognise play a vital role in keeping this university we cherish running. I greeted a number of people I work with, and they greatly appreciated the solidarity many students have demonstrated in marching with them. The echo of a clap, the heart-warming effects of uttering a few words of encouragement, the recognition of the look in a stranger’s eyes that say “I’m with you”… Little gestures and words go a long, long way in bringing people together in the struggle against a seemingly unresponsive and stubborn bureaucracy.
In an email circulated among McGill students and staff recently, the university underlined the “substantial deficit this year as well as a significant accumulated debt” McGill is facing, and notes that the situation is further “aggravated by the recent additional turmoil in economic markets”. Cuts have to be made, no doubt. But why does it have to come out of the pensions and benefits of the university’s support staff, when the principal earns much more than the Prime Minister of Canada, and over two million is spent on the renovation of one floor alone? Budgetary constraints may require the university to “make choices, some sacrifices”, but why does the university’s administrative support staff, the very people who makes everything function, have to bear the brunt of these sacrifices?
Long queues are forming at circulation desks and administrative offices due to reduced staff, as are the grumblings. Paperwork is piling up, salaries are being unpaid, libraries have reduced opening hours. Even the internet connection, which normally works so smoothly, seem to have its moments of breaking down. These are just some of the small tasks and chores we take for granted, but when left undone, greatly impacts the ability of students and the academic staff to go about their daily business of teaching, research and learning. Complaints are mounting, and the impression of McGill as a renowned institution of learning and teaching has no doubt become tainted by its inability to placate demands and meet the needs of its vital support staff.
I feel the strike, and every day when I walk on campus, I see and hear it too. The deafening din of bells rings, metallic banging, and horns being blown may be distracting, and may even be annoying. But the sight of colourful banners, buttons and children marching alongside the men and women who keep this place running remind us of how dependent we all are on them, and how they depend on our support so they can continue to support our time at McGill under better conditions and with better pay.
14 September 2011
So torn
I don't know why often after a few minutes or so on the phone, mum seems to be eager to hang up the phone. I call to ask her how she's doing, whether she slept well, whether she feels any pain... Always the answer is "Fine, I'm fine, don't worry..."
Do I remind her too much of her illness?
Do I ask too much?
Do my daily calls make her feel unpleasant and pressured to face her own fragile health, something she would rather forget?
Do my calls remind her of the child she has, but who is so far, far away?
I never wish to do any of this to her when I call. I only call to cheer her up, to encourage her to get out of the house more... I wish to tell her, perhaps not in so many words, that I care, that I care deeply about her and her wellbeing.
Just now, I sat on the floor and as she recounted her day yesterday. I cried. She said she went to this restaurant she would go to every time a day or two after her chemo treatment to replenish on much needed nutrients... Every time it's always the same dishes: dumplings, chicken soup, and sometimes a fried pork rib. I can picture those dishes, steaming before my eyes. I can smell those dishes, so fragrant, so delicious. Every time time I go with mum, I would look at the food with such intensity and pray and hope and wish that the food will give her much needed strength and nutrition for her to quickly recover...
I cried.
Deep down inside, I miss her very much. I would so much want to be able to take care of her, to help her, to ease her pain and fears (should she have any...). But I know I cannot keep on going back to be with her. I know I cannot continue to put my plans and life on hold and must do something for myself, for my sake. So torn... so very torn, and yet I cannot say it.
I dare not tell her the emotional downs and relationship troubles I am going through... I dare not tell her about the many days and nights when I cry thinking about her, worrying about her... I wish I could, I wish I could tell her about my life, every detail of it, but I am selective and have to hold back events, places, words spoken, pain felt.
I have to hold back, just as I hold back the sound of my sobs when I am talking to her sometimes.
Do I remind her too much of her illness?
Do I ask too much?
Do my daily calls make her feel unpleasant and pressured to face her own fragile health, something she would rather forget?
Do my calls remind her of the child she has, but who is so far, far away?
I never wish to do any of this to her when I call. I only call to cheer her up, to encourage her to get out of the house more... I wish to tell her, perhaps not in so many words, that I care, that I care deeply about her and her wellbeing.
Just now, I sat on the floor and as she recounted her day yesterday. I cried. She said she went to this restaurant she would go to every time a day or two after her chemo treatment to replenish on much needed nutrients... Every time it's always the same dishes: dumplings, chicken soup, and sometimes a fried pork rib. I can picture those dishes, steaming before my eyes. I can smell those dishes, so fragrant, so delicious. Every time time I go with mum, I would look at the food with such intensity and pray and hope and wish that the food will give her much needed strength and nutrition for her to quickly recover...
I cried.
Deep down inside, I miss her very much. I would so much want to be able to take care of her, to help her, to ease her pain and fears (should she have any...). But I know I cannot keep on going back to be with her. I know I cannot continue to put my plans and life on hold and must do something for myself, for my sake. So torn... so very torn, and yet I cannot say it.
I dare not tell her the emotional downs and relationship troubles I am going through... I dare not tell her about the many days and nights when I cry thinking about her, worrying about her... I wish I could, I wish I could tell her about my life, every detail of it, but I am selective and have to hold back events, places, words spoken, pain felt.
I have to hold back, just as I hold back the sound of my sobs when I am talking to her sometimes.
definition
I opened a letter this morning, and on inside was an insurance policy which is supposed to protect my credit card payments should something, anything, happen to me.
And there in the most lawyerly and very dry, unfeeling way, cancer was defined. I read the description, again and again. For a moment, I was empty of feeling. But at one point, my mind drifted to a dream I had during the night. I don't remember the details, but reading the definition of cancer triggered a flashback...
"...malignant tumour characterised by unctonrolled growth of malignant cells". I can see it when I close my eyes. I can see it growing, growing, spreading and taking over. I could see the back of mum's, swollen and sore, terribly sore. And she was crying, she was in pain...
A definition in my insurance policy, and the nightmare I did not want to remember was remembered...
12 September 2011
Mid Autumn Festival
And today is the Mid Autumn Festival, a traditional day of family reunion and get-together. Though I was drained of energy from the night earlier, on my way home, I stopped by Chinatown and picked up some groceries...
Roast duck (dad's favorite), grilled chicken (chicken being a symbol and homonym of the world "family" or "home"), and three different types of green vegetables, including chives (symbol of longevity). For my grandma, I specially bought a can of cucumber pickled in soy sauce, which she loved to eat, especially as she often ate congee (soupy rice) due to her lack of teeth. I made rice and turnip soup ( symbol of prosperity and good luck), and offered a variety of sweets and drinks I had in the food cabinet. And of course, no Mid Autumn Festival could be without mooncakes and pomelos, so those I also laid out on the table as part of the offerings.
As I was cooking, a package that mum had mailed to me earlier last week also arrived. I opened it, and was immediately touched by the little packets of dried food she had sent me, and by the delicacies she wanted me to give to my friends and colleagues. "Thank them for taking care of you," she had told me previously. A number of what mum sent me also made it onto a separate table of offerings.
I knelt before the table, closed my eyes and whispered in my heart... "Grandma, grandpa... dad, and all the ancestors..." I motioned to the few simple dishes I had cooked, as I promised I would. I 'invited' them to come and enjoy the food, and asked them to continue to look after and bless our family... to watch over and take care of mum, who is all by her self and earlier this morning told me of how "quiet" this festival has been for her. I did not ask anything for myself. I shed a tear instead.
I asked the ancestors to watch over brother, his wife and the new born child. I even connected online so that I could 'show' the ancestors what the new family member, the first of the next generation, looks like. Seeing my nephew's little face, his frown and eyes somehow reminded me of dad, of dad's face, and triggered another avalanche of emotions...
I lit an incense coil, and retreated quietly to the side as my ancestors 'ate'. I thought of the people who had come before me, of dad and the memories we shared... I was not sad, but still numb from the outpouring of grief and painful memories the night before. Preparing the feast, chopping vegetables and cooking made me recover and heal somewhat, as did the classical music in the background.
As silly, as superstitious as the entire ceremony is, the cooking and offerings made me connect once more with myself and the people who matter(ed) in my life. And they are still in my heart, on my mind, even so many years have gone by, even if I am so far, far away from where I originally came from...
Fragile peace
I felt so drained, so empty inside in the morning after such an intense release energy and emotions and tears the night earlier. Everything, everything there is to know about me and my life I have let out...
I was afraid to go home, but I knew I had to, even though I dreaded, dreaded being alone.
After letting the pent up emotions go, you become numb... So numb. Numb. Just numb. For a few moments, it is as if there are no emotions, no feelings, nothing but emptiness. Is that a sort of peace? No, it is a fragile peace, a disturbing sort of peace. Fragile because it can easily shatter and break. I could easily shatter and break down. The past, mum's health, the loneliness I feel... all of it consuming me, swallowing me, haunting me. Can I stand up again? Can I mould despair into strength? Can I transform sadness and pain into inspiration?
I know I am still breathing, I am still alive, but the world becomes a blur, the past becomes a fading shadow. And the present? I'm in the present walking around, talking like a lost soul searching for a home, a safe haven. But it seems I will be searching a long, long time....
I can feel the rawness, feel how very sensitive and fragile I have become.
No more hiding, no more concealing dark, dark secrets of the past. I am exposed and very very vulnerable...
I was afraid to go home, but I knew I had to, even though I dreaded, dreaded being alone.
After letting the pent up emotions go, you become numb... So numb. Numb. Just numb. For a few moments, it is as if there are no emotions, no feelings, nothing but emptiness. Is that a sort of peace? No, it is a fragile peace, a disturbing sort of peace. Fragile because it can easily shatter and break. I could easily shatter and break down. The past, mum's health, the loneliness I feel... all of it consuming me, swallowing me, haunting me. Can I stand up again? Can I mould despair into strength? Can I transform sadness and pain into inspiration?
I know I am still breathing, I am still alive, but the world becomes a blur, the past becomes a fading shadow. And the present? I'm in the present walking around, talking like a lost soul searching for a home, a safe haven. But it seems I will be searching a long, long time....
I can feel the rawness, feel how very sensitive and fragile I have become.
No more hiding, no more concealing dark, dark secrets of the past. I am exposed and very very vulnerable...
11 September 2011
The past
I broke down, again. I didn't mean to, but the memories were too difficult and painful...
I didn't want to make it about my past, that unmentionable past. The main issue was that I had, consciously or unconsciously, lie about my sexual experiences. I had led my best friend / ex to believe I am an 'angel'. He felt manipulated and hurt, said he had held me with such high esteem, but now has difficulty trusting me. All he ever wanted, he said, was a boyfriend who he could trust, and who was true. But I can't even be that... I've not been that.
I broke down in tears because it is all related. 'Full' sex and the past, what happened to me long ago, yet haunts me still. Twice I was close, but it did not work out because I was too scared, too tense, and unwilling. And to my friend I said that nobody had ever done that with me. Because someone did try, even though it failed. And the time this one guy tried with me and it didn't work out, he told me in my face something that hurt me for a long, long time. His words still echo in my head to this day, and made me often doubt myself and sexual maturity...
I sobbed for i don't know how many minutes... Just cried and cried, and the sobbing was so intense I felt my ribs and stomach ache so badly. I was blinded by the tears, consumed with ugly, ugly memories and images, and saturated with pain, with guilt, with shame, with the question "Why? Why did it happen? Why me?"
But there is no answer, it just happened. And my phobias, my bouts of guilt, victim mentality, my fear of of full-on sex, my deep deep sense of alienation, loneliness and insecurity all flow from those experiences. The tears just flowed and flowed and I could not stop shaking, shaking, shaking...
Why was I crying? Crying because I hurt and disappointed my friend... crying because deep down inside, there is something fundamentally wrong with me that causes me to lie, hide, conceal details and behave so strangely when it comes down to sex... I cried because I realised that the past will forever cast a shadow over whatever relationship I enter into with anyone...
I have always had a difficult relationship with sex and intimacy. I long for it, yet dread it at the same time. Sometimes I find myself blocking out sexual experiences and encounters... I don't know if I do it consciously. I don't think so, but I simply do not know. Which may explain (but in no way justifies) why I do not fully reveal the details my sexual experiences, even to the one person I trust most of all.
But I do remember as a child, when 'it' was happening to me, I would close my eyes and drift away... It was my escape, escape from pinned down, from being forced, from being subjugated and victimised. I would dream, fantasise of being somewhere else, doing something else. It was my way of coping, shield invisible shield, even though my body had been compromised. My body may have been 'taken', but my mind, my thoughts are free and can attempt at escape...
And at times today, even engaged in intimate love making, my mind drifts and wanders. It is as if I'm not there, even though I am engaged in the act. It happens less today, but there are sometimes lapses of memory and concentration I cannot account for. Sex is not just sex for me, not just something pleasurable and fulfilling, something that compliments a healthy relationship with someone I love and care about. For me, sex also draws out at times memories that are painful to bear, too difficult to forget...
I sat on the sofa and continued to sob and shake. It was not out of wanting sympathy or compassion or an easy way out of how deeply I had hurt and disappointed my friend earlier that I cried. I could not control my tears, no less my stop shaking and my and the painful sobs that shook my body and lips...
When was the last time I spoke so frankly, so openly about what I went through? When was the last time I poured out how it affected me so pervasively, so toxically like a plague I cannot control, cannot stamp out? I thought I could let it go, but no, it comes back again and again. Again and again when I least expect it, in my relationships with other people, in my relationship with sex, and in my ability to trust and be intimate... Once abused, forever scarred and forever scared.
He hugged me, he cried for me, he encouraged me. But I felt so undeserving of all this attention, of his time, of all this comforting and care I was again receiving from him, from the very person I had hurt and disappointed a few hours earlier. Who am I to deserve all that after all the hurt and pain I've caused him, not just today, but over the past three years we've known each other?
And told me again how strong I am, how strong I have been to have gone through it all, and yet come out the beautiful person I am. Beautiful, he said, as beautiful as he first met me, as beautiful as he got to know me more and more. Despite the lies, and the ways he felt I had manipulated and deceived him, he was still there, still wasting his time and energy trying to make me feel whole and feel like I deserve love and care, for whatever reason...
I wiped my tears eventually, collected myself and my belongings, and prepared to leave. I felt I could not stay around much longer. I felt like burrying myself under the blanket and sleeping so I could forget, so I could have that temporary peace of mind when my mind is 'off' and when I do not think and do not remember...
"More than ever, I want to lie next to you", he said. For my sake, for his sake, for our sake, whatever that meant... I was torn... I had not, and cannot, forget that hurt and numbed facial expression earlier in the day when he found out about my sexual past. And yet he still wants to lie next to me? I was conflicted and confused. The negative and traumatic memories do paralysed me and I could not think, could not make up my mind... what do I want? What is best for me? I looked at my friend, standing by the door, his innocent eyes red and damp from tears he had shed.
And I stayed, for better or worse, and once again found comfort, acceptance, and warmth, all those elements I have so looked for and longed for, in his arms.
I didn't want to make it about my past, that unmentionable past. The main issue was that I had, consciously or unconsciously, lie about my sexual experiences. I had led my best friend / ex to believe I am an 'angel'. He felt manipulated and hurt, said he had held me with such high esteem, but now has difficulty trusting me. All he ever wanted, he said, was a boyfriend who he could trust, and who was true. But I can't even be that... I've not been that.
I broke down in tears because it is all related. 'Full' sex and the past, what happened to me long ago, yet haunts me still. Twice I was close, but it did not work out because I was too scared, too tense, and unwilling. And to my friend I said that nobody had ever done that with me. Because someone did try, even though it failed. And the time this one guy tried with me and it didn't work out, he told me in my face something that hurt me for a long, long time. His words still echo in my head to this day, and made me often doubt myself and sexual maturity...
I sobbed for i don't know how many minutes... Just cried and cried, and the sobbing was so intense I felt my ribs and stomach ache so badly. I was blinded by the tears, consumed with ugly, ugly memories and images, and saturated with pain, with guilt, with shame, with the question "Why? Why did it happen? Why me?"
But there is no answer, it just happened. And my phobias, my bouts of guilt, victim mentality, my fear of of full-on sex, my deep deep sense of alienation, loneliness and insecurity all flow from those experiences. The tears just flowed and flowed and I could not stop shaking, shaking, shaking...
Why was I crying? Crying because I hurt and disappointed my friend... crying because deep down inside, there is something fundamentally wrong with me that causes me to lie, hide, conceal details and behave so strangely when it comes down to sex... I cried because I realised that the past will forever cast a shadow over whatever relationship I enter into with anyone...
I have always had a difficult relationship with sex and intimacy. I long for it, yet dread it at the same time. Sometimes I find myself blocking out sexual experiences and encounters... I don't know if I do it consciously. I don't think so, but I simply do not know. Which may explain (but in no way justifies) why I do not fully reveal the details my sexual experiences, even to the one person I trust most of all.
But I do remember as a child, when 'it' was happening to me, I would close my eyes and drift away... It was my escape, escape from pinned down, from being forced, from being subjugated and victimised. I would dream, fantasise of being somewhere else, doing something else. It was my way of coping, shield invisible shield, even though my body had been compromised. My body may have been 'taken', but my mind, my thoughts are free and can attempt at escape...
And at times today, even engaged in intimate love making, my mind drifts and wanders. It is as if I'm not there, even though I am engaged in the act. It happens less today, but there are sometimes lapses of memory and concentration I cannot account for. Sex is not just sex for me, not just something pleasurable and fulfilling, something that compliments a healthy relationship with someone I love and care about. For me, sex also draws out at times memories that are painful to bear, too difficult to forget...
I sat on the sofa and continued to sob and shake. It was not out of wanting sympathy or compassion or an easy way out of how deeply I had hurt and disappointed my friend earlier that I cried. I could not control my tears, no less my stop shaking and my and the painful sobs that shook my body and lips...
When was the last time I spoke so frankly, so openly about what I went through? When was the last time I poured out how it affected me so pervasively, so toxically like a plague I cannot control, cannot stamp out? I thought I could let it go, but no, it comes back again and again. Again and again when I least expect it, in my relationships with other people, in my relationship with sex, and in my ability to trust and be intimate... Once abused, forever scarred and forever scared.
He hugged me, he cried for me, he encouraged me. But I felt so undeserving of all this attention, of his time, of all this comforting and care I was again receiving from him, from the very person I had hurt and disappointed a few hours earlier. Who am I to deserve all that after all the hurt and pain I've caused him, not just today, but over the past three years we've known each other?
And told me again how strong I am, how strong I have been to have gone through it all, and yet come out the beautiful person I am. Beautiful, he said, as beautiful as he first met me, as beautiful as he got to know me more and more. Despite the lies, and the ways he felt I had manipulated and deceived him, he was still there, still wasting his time and energy trying to make me feel whole and feel like I deserve love and care, for whatever reason...
I wiped my tears eventually, collected myself and my belongings, and prepared to leave. I felt I could not stay around much longer. I felt like burrying myself under the blanket and sleeping so I could forget, so I could have that temporary peace of mind when my mind is 'off' and when I do not think and do not remember...
"More than ever, I want to lie next to you", he said. For my sake, for his sake, for our sake, whatever that meant... I was torn... I had not, and cannot, forget that hurt and numbed facial expression earlier in the day when he found out about my sexual past. And yet he still wants to lie next to me? I was conflicted and confused. The negative and traumatic memories do paralysed me and I could not think, could not make up my mind... what do I want? What is best for me? I looked at my friend, standing by the door, his innocent eyes red and damp from tears he had shed.
And I stayed, for better or worse, and once again found comfort, acceptance, and warmth, all those elements I have so looked for and longed for, in his arms.
Weaker
She sounded weaker, noticeably weaker when she picked up the phone. It had been a rough, rough night. She said it wasn't because she was lying awake thinking, but that every time the first night after chemo she cannot sleep well.
She sounded tired, but we still talked for almost quarter of an hour. "I'll take care of myself," she said, "You just do you thesis, and see what you need to do after that..."
I asked her if brother knew about her continuing treatment. He does, and when he heard it, there appeared to he much regret... about how things ended when mum left Europe. What is the use of regret now? What is the use of being sorry and causing so much upset, perhaps even contributing to her relapse...? Maybe those days she spent with me, when she could not sleep and when she was upset about my sexuality also contributed to her having to return for treatment...
"Rest," I told her, "Take good care of yourself please..." but I felt so bitter, so angry at myself inside. What am I doing here...? Really, what am I doing here?
I have such a severe headache, and the mixture of anxiety and fatigue is dragging me lower and lower down...
She sounded tired, but we still talked for almost quarter of an hour. "I'll take care of myself," she said, "You just do you thesis, and see what you need to do after that..."
I asked her if brother knew about her continuing treatment. He does, and when he heard it, there appeared to he much regret... about how things ended when mum left Europe. What is the use of regret now? What is the use of being sorry and causing so much upset, perhaps even contributing to her relapse...? Maybe those days she spent with me, when she could not sleep and when she was upset about my sexuality also contributed to her having to return for treatment...
"Rest," I told her, "Take good care of yourself please..." but I felt so bitter, so angry at myself inside. What am I doing here...? Really, what am I doing here?
I have such a severe headache, and the mixture of anxiety and fatigue is dragging me lower and lower down...
09 September 2011
Rock climb
I strained hard, so very hard I felt large, warm sweat beads escape from my pores. My muscles ached, my resolve and will was being tested. I felt dizzy, and gravity pulled on me, wanting me to fall. It is a long, long way down to fall...
But I fought and I fought, told myself I could do this, told myself I will do this. My fingers ached, as if the skin were being torn and my nails being stretched. My body was burning, but I had one thing in my mind:
"For mum... I can do this for mum... This is nothing compared to the struggle she has to face against the cancer that is eating her from the inside..." I told myself, however much it hurt, however painful my muscles were, nothing, nothing can compare to mum's pain...
I pulled myself up, leapt with faith in my own ability to grab on and hang onto the little holes on the vertical wall. I could do it, I knew I could do it. and I did do it.
I hung on the railing close to the ceiling and looked down at the great distance upward I had just conquered. What a feat, what a rush, what a relief it was...
"For mum... I did it for mum..." For her health, for her well-being, for her happiness, for her peace of mind. As silly as it may be, it is so naive and so childish to think that my rock climbing has anything remotely related with her illness or recovery...
But deep inside I so wished that every success I have, every bit of personal triumph I achieve, can somehow reflect back to mum, and make her stronger, and make her better...
But I fought and I fought, told myself I could do this, told myself I will do this. My fingers ached, as if the skin were being torn and my nails being stretched. My body was burning, but I had one thing in my mind:
"For mum... I can do this for mum... This is nothing compared to the struggle she has to face against the cancer that is eating her from the inside..." I told myself, however much it hurt, however painful my muscles were, nothing, nothing can compare to mum's pain...
I pulled myself up, leapt with faith in my own ability to grab on and hang onto the little holes on the vertical wall. I could do it, I knew I could do it. and I did do it.
I hung on the railing close to the ceiling and looked down at the great distance upward I had just conquered. What a feat, what a rush, what a relief it was...
"For mum... I did it for mum..." For her health, for her well-being, for her happiness, for her peace of mind. As silly as it may be, it is so naive and so childish to think that my rock climbing has anything remotely related with her illness or recovery...
But deep inside I so wished that every success I have, every bit of personal triumph I achieve, can somehow reflect back to mum, and make her stronger, and make her better...
new day
Struggling hard to contain myself and my emotions, I pick myself up and brace myself for the day ahead. Put on a brave face, i tell
myself, and it'll soon all pass....
I head into metro and I see... A crippled man on crutches struggling hard up the stairs... A woman wearing a thin head scarf in the middle of a hot day. She had such a pale, pale complexion, her face was so thinned and fragile, her hairline nowhere to be seen, her arms brittle and bony... And across from me is an elderly woman with deep imprints of life on her face, wrinkles and sadness scrawled all over her face... Three different lives, but in common is their 'shared' sense of loneliness, suffering
I turn away and close my eyes, and swallow the pain of seeing people in pain, and my mind drifts, drifts to my mother far, far away...
myself, and it'll soon all pass....
I head into metro and I see... A crippled man on crutches struggling hard up the stairs... A woman wearing a thin head scarf in the middle of a hot day. She had such a pale, pale complexion, her face was so thinned and fragile, her hairline nowhere to be seen, her arms brittle and bony... And across from me is an elderly woman with deep imprints of life on her face, wrinkles and sadness scrawled all over her face... Three different lives, but in common is their 'shared' sense of loneliness, suffering
I turn away and close my eyes, and swallow the pain of seeing people in pain, and my mind drifts, drifts to my mother far, far away...
Treatment
Warms tears rolled down my cheeks almost immediately.
She could not see them, and for the next ten minutes or so, she could not hear them. Mum could not see her child was crying as he spoke to her on the phone.
She was hesitant to tell me at first. And I had to ask to find out. If I didn't ask, she would have just told me how a friend came by to visit and how they had a lovely dinner and walk afterwards together. The fact that she went into the hospital to see her main physician and that she immediately went to do chemotherapy would have gone unmentioned if I didn't ask...
The latest scan revealed the tumour on the spine has grown only bigger. "Cancer cells are so scary," she said, "They're growing..." She needs to restart chemo, and five, six sessions are planned ahead.
"Please, focus on your future..." she said, "Do what you need to do..." She said she can't go to Europe as planned to see her grandchild. Chemotherapy is planned for the next ten weeks. It's best, according to the doctor. Will she even see her grandchild in person, ever...?
I could not contain my tears, just as I cannot control them now. Warm, blinding, comforting and yet painfully they escaped my eyes so naturally... But I could contain my whimpers, my sounds of grief, suppress them, silence them until I pressed "End Conversation" on Skype and put down my phone. Then the sounds of grief, of sadness came pouring out... Luckily I was alone at home. The sighing, gasping, the pain, the loneliness, the sense of having lost all control is so immense, so overwheliming.
I wished I could comfort her... hold her and reassure her. But I am so powerless, so very, very powerless... I feel drained already by the latest news, so sapped of all energy to even eat, to even get out of bed. Mentally, I see myself packing, jumping on a plane and returning home.
Was I crying for her, or for myself? Was I crying because she has to once again face the treatments, the hospital visits and the side-effects all by herself? Was I crying because I am again so very, very torn by what I should do, need to do...? I just began to tie up the loose ends of my thesis... I just enrolled in a language course, I had set myself to starting preparations for my equivalency exams... Again and again, it seems every time I try, every time I want to do something for myself, something pulls me away...
All I can say is that my fears, my worries and anxieties, already rising after our brief conversation last night and which made me sleep so badly, are surfacing and taking over my mind like a violent, violent storm.
How much more can I take...?
She could not see them, and for the next ten minutes or so, she could not hear them. Mum could not see her child was crying as he spoke to her on the phone.
She was hesitant to tell me at first. And I had to ask to find out. If I didn't ask, she would have just told me how a friend came by to visit and how they had a lovely dinner and walk afterwards together. The fact that she went into the hospital to see her main physician and that she immediately went to do chemotherapy would have gone unmentioned if I didn't ask...
The latest scan revealed the tumour on the spine has grown only bigger. "Cancer cells are so scary," she said, "They're growing..." She needs to restart chemo, and five, six sessions are planned ahead.
"Please, focus on your future..." she said, "Do what you need to do..." She said she can't go to Europe as planned to see her grandchild. Chemotherapy is planned for the next ten weeks. It's best, according to the doctor. Will she even see her grandchild in person, ever...?
I could not contain my tears, just as I cannot control them now. Warm, blinding, comforting and yet painfully they escaped my eyes so naturally... But I could contain my whimpers, my sounds of grief, suppress them, silence them until I pressed "End Conversation" on Skype and put down my phone. Then the sounds of grief, of sadness came pouring out... Luckily I was alone at home. The sighing, gasping, the pain, the loneliness, the sense of having lost all control is so immense, so overwheliming.
I wished I could comfort her... hold her and reassure her. But I am so powerless, so very, very powerless... I feel drained already by the latest news, so sapped of all energy to even eat, to even get out of bed. Mentally, I see myself packing, jumping on a plane and returning home.
Was I crying for her, or for myself? Was I crying because she has to once again face the treatments, the hospital visits and the side-effects all by herself? Was I crying because I am again so very, very torn by what I should do, need to do...? I just began to tie up the loose ends of my thesis... I just enrolled in a language course, I had set myself to starting preparations for my equivalency exams... Again and again, it seems every time I try, every time I want to do something for myself, something pulls me away...
All I can say is that my fears, my worries and anxieties, already rising after our brief conversation last night and which made me sleep so badly, are surfacing and taking over my mind like a violent, violent storm.
How much more can I take...?
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