Gay Pride A'dam 2006 VII

pilots and stewardesses

Emotion float: with the Rembrandt theme again. Those guys are dressed up like people in the Middle Ages, with the white collars. This float won the best float award this year!

zoom in on the guy in the middle!

Gay Pride A'dam 2006 VI

wigs!
doing the can-can
Rembrandt theme...not sure what he has to do with gays. Maybe he was?
Royal Dutch Shell comapny float

Gay Pride A'dam 2006 III

For those who like leather and fetish....

Gay Pride A'dam 2006 II

Pirates of the Netherlands!

Raise your hands if you're gay!

The ING Group gloat--dancing men and women in suit...hmmm.


I like the slogan.

Gay Pride A'dam 2006 I

Nana impersonators



nurses and doctors

Anti-gay cabinet

This float was organised by COC, the principal gay-rights group in the Netherlands. It carries a very political message, and many of our 'ministers' attended.

Granted the Netherlands is at the forefront of the gay emancipation movement, the current cabinet appears to be very anti-gay. This can be blamed on the majority of ministers from the Christian Democratic Party (CDA). The sorry state of the current Dutch cabinet’s attitude toward homosexuals:

“I voted against homosexual marriage.”
Jan-Peter Balkenende, Prime Minister of the Netherlands
He said this during a visit to Indonesia, at the Islamic University of Jakarta, where a student questioned him on the ‘moral decay’ of the Netherlands. Instead of defending the Netherlands’ tolerance and acceptance of homosexuality, he showed his disdain for sexual difference and his weakness as a self-proclaimed ‘moral leader’.

“No time for holebi manifestations or organisations”
Clemence Ross–Van Dorp, State Secretary for Health, Welfare and Sport, in charge of homosexuals emancipation affairs within the cabinet. She never attended a gay pride, or gay-themed event, or appeared at any organisation which champions gay rights.

“No direct adoption (for) lesbian co-mother.”
Piet Hein Donner, Minister for Justice. This Christian Democrat minister does not accept that a woman can be a co-mother, because God had destined man to be the counterpart. This was despite the majority of Parliament was for the motion.


“Civil servants of civil affairs may refuse marriage of homosexual couples.”
Johan Remkes, Minister of Internal Affairs. This is despite the fact that the law does not discriminate against same sex or opposite marriage. But according to the minister, civil servants can refuse out of their conscience based on religious grounds.

“[I’d] rather throw money away than do something in education on homosexuality—the freedom of education takes priority.”
Maria van der Hoeven, Minister for Education. Freedom of education takes precedence, but not for homosexual students and teachers.

“Unicorn is not a good name for Urzgan mission.”
Henk Kamp, Minister of Defence. On the name debacle surrounding Dutch forces in Afghanistan.
“No blood donation for homosexuals.”
Hans Hoogervoorst, Minister of Health. Are homosexuals supposed to be a higher risk group in the transmission of STDs through blood transfusion? Research shows heterosexual men are the biggest risk group.

“Homosexuality not in Article 1 of the Constitution”
Alexander Pechtold, ex Minister for Government Reform. He argues that protection of homosexuals from discrimination in Article 1 (already covering religion, way of life, political affiliation, race, gender, and “any other grounds whatsoever”) is “not desired”. What’s more, he believes that adding freedom from sexual orientation discrimination would ‘devalue’ other already protected grounds of discrimination. This is despite the fact that “other grounds whatsoever” was a compromise not to mention homosexuality explicitly.


“Homosexuals can be sent back to Iran safely”
Rita Verdonk, Minister for Integration and Immigration. This despite the fact that Iran and other Islamic countries publicly execute homosexuals because they are homosexuals. She won a well-deserved place on Human Rights Watch’s Hall of Shame.

“No interference with internal affairs [of other countries].”
Ben Bot, Minister of Foreign Affairs. No condemnations of countries which ban gay prides, no congratulations to countries like Canada and Spain which have introduced homosexual marriages. And this from a minister who represents a country which is supposed to be the harbinger of homosexual emancipation!

Out and proud?

Wild is probably the best way to describe it. Went to my first gay pride parade today, and it was fun. Seen similar things on TV before, but you’ve really got to be there to experience the ‘experience’.

Highlight was the annual Canal Cruise, with literally ‘floats’ on the canals. Some were really creative, like the one by COC (Dutch gay interest group) which had all our shameful ministers on board, carrying placards with their recent anti-gay remarks. Others were simply outrageous and provocative, with scantily dressed men and women, some going as far as exposing everything. Many simply screamed ‘sex’, with tongue kissing, pole dancing, and men caressing and licking each others greased-up bodies. All were pleasing to the eye and imagination, and got the crowd wild. Even wilder with the beat of the music blaring from onboard sound systems. A couple of times I couldn’t stop laughing, at the ridiculous but oh-so-liberated behaviour of all these people on the boats. A couple of times I couldn’t stop drooling. Goh, there were so many beautiful bare-chested t(w)eens, shaking their tanned and built-up bodies… The kind of image that makes your heart pound.

As night fell there were parties all over the city, but the biggest one was on Rembrandt Plein (Square), which for these three days was renamed ‘Rainbow Plein’! There was great music by live DJs, and our host was a transvestite diva with a very ‘man’ voice, all dressed up in pink feathers and thongs (what else do you expect?). At one point she said: “Gays, put your hands up in the air!” And the whole square was full of raised hands.



It was a great experience. I’ve never felt so free to be gay, that feeling brought out by the rainbow flags and colours that lined the streets and canals. Couples openly held hands, hugged and kissed, something that on ‘normal’ days you rarely see, even in a country as open as the Netherlands. People came (out), people performed, people cheered and people joined in the mayhem. It was a chance, perhaps only three days a year, but still a chance, to show how proud holebis are of themselves, and in a way show others like them, who are perhaps afraid or ashamed, how proud they should be.




But then, *sigh* I felt a little left out. I mean, I’m happy I went and glad that gays (holebis) are able to be so vocal and free in this country. But I’ve never felt really comfortable at public events like this, and even more uneasy at dances and parties (remember LYLM Ch11??). The spontaneity of it all, the socialising and mingling with strangers…that really scares me. I just freeze and loose the ability to talk because I get so nervous. And today/-night was no exception.

Often I felt like I was just an observer, standing on the sidelines, watching, and not really joining in like all the rest around me. People were rocking their heads and bodies to the beat of the music and the rhythm of the crowd, but I felt like dead wood, just standing there and watching.

On the train journey home, I glanced at the pictures I took. Smiling as I remembered the things that made me smile before. My mind replayed the events of the past day. And gradually I became a little glum. I guess it didn’t help I went there alone, and came home alone too.

Gay Pride 2006

That time of the year again: Gay Pride Amsterdam!
It started today already, and lasts until Sunday. Tomorrow is the BIG day with extravagant festitivies and parties all over Amsterdam.

I'm planning to go tomorrow afternoon, to see what it's like. I've actually never been before, even though I've lived here so long. I think because I'm really scared of these kind of events...parties in general. But it wouldn't hurt to go, I guess, and I've been saying to myself I should start doing things I never did before...all part of the 'discover myself' plan I set out to do last year.

Hmmmm, I really wish I could go with someone, so that I don't feel so left out and alone....but then I've got noone. Not exactly the kind of event you'd invite your straight friends to. Let alone my housemates!

Oh well, who knows....anything can happen.

Something else

During my talks with my cousin and his wife, we also touched upon the big topic of relationship.

Now, for an outstanding and fine young man like me, the fact that I'm still single and not even had a serious relationship (as far as they know) is a little....queer.

They relayed more of my parents' fears and hopes to me. Funny to hear what my parents really think, but could never tell me directly. Both my parents are worried that I might go through life lonely and single like an uncle I have--who, mind you, seems happy and is quite welloff, though I seriously doubt he could be gay. My dad is worried that being the 'sweet and gentle person' I am, gays will come and 'take me away'.

I couldn't stop myself snickering inside, even though I kept a straight face. If only they knew the truth. But the truth would devastate them. That much I know. I'm guessing my mum would probably be more accepting, since she already suspects (and I've not exactly been too closed about the whole thing in the past), but my dad would probably totally freak out. That's why I'm writing this here, away from their prowing eyes and attempts to (re)gain control my life.

One minute they're worried I might be gay, and then the next they're worried I might be involved with 'poor quality'. Quite bizarely, my parents seem to also be worried that I might be involved with that mother-friend in France!

Granted, I've been there twice in the last two months and stayed there weeks every single time I visit. But I told my parents time and time again, that those concerns are purely and simply groundless. First of all, as much as I love the baby, she's just given birth to another person's child. Second of all, I sometimes cannot stand her obnoxious and demanding personality. And then there's the fact that she's a she, which is most off-putting of all. I shared a bed with her so many, many nights, but there was nothing between us, not even a slight spark!

Maybe they're paranoid, irrational, thinking way too much, but one thing is for sure, they are really worried. I've told them time and time again there's nothing to worry about, and that I live a happy and good life, but being (Asian) parents, there's nothing else they want more than to see me be successful and eventually raise a family. So for now my stance is just let them worry, let them be unhappy and concerned about nothing. Because really there is nothing they should even be remotely concerned about when it comes to the way I live.

More than anything else, they are the ones who should be concerned about the unhealthy relationship they have with each other! I told them before, if they want to be worried and concerned and unhappy every single day, they can do that. But don't let that affect my happiness and wellbeing. A little selfish perhaps, but frankly I'm tired of this kind of nonsense and hypocrisy.

There and then, as I sat and talked with my cousin and co, I wanted to say "I'm gay!" I wanted to just shout it out, and to stop them giving me advice on how I should consider trying to get someone (meaning girl) to share my life with. Sure, I'd like to have someone else in my life, perhaps more than anything at the moment, but it's not the kind of someone they expect.

But I couldn't. I know for a fact my cousin is homophobic, from the way he reacted to watching Brokeback Moutain. His wife seems more open minded, and I'd think she'd be alright with it, since she's just the type of person you could talk to about anything. So I stayed with the 'no ask, no tell' stance. They didn't ask, so I didn't tell.

I could live with that. And I guess they'll all have to too.

Another good bye

(REPUBLISHED)

The train pulled away, speeding faster and faster away. Everything became a fuzzy haze.

So ended the three week visit of my cousin and his wife. I didn’t expect it, but as I walked off the platform, with the train’s red tail lights inching further and further away, I felt a strange sense of sudden sadness. For a few moments I felt the emotions wallowing in my eyes.

I didn’t take the bus home, but really felt like walking. Perhaps to walk off the feelings. The cool August drizzle helped, and the slight cool breeze washed away some of the lingering effects of the goodbye. Another good bye. Till we meet again.

It felt like yesterday that I went to pick them up, showed them around. Those long bike tours around the city, to the market places, green gardens, not to mention canal cruise in Amsterdam, or that memorable sunset on the beach. Then there was the long journey to and around the north of the Netherlands, the awe inspiring trips to the many museums and galleries, walks in the rain and forests. Though most the time they were on their own, as they travelled around in France, Germany and Belgium, the short weekends they came back to have an energy-boost before they set off again were fun, to say the least.

What made it all the more meaningful were not the places and sceneries I’ve visited perhaps a dozen times already. It was the conversations we had, about the present, and the past. The past not so long ago, and very long ago, as long as I could remember. It’s been a while since I talked to anyone so deeply, and I felt in touch again with the things I’ve more or less left behind when I left ‘home’ and boarded the plane back in March. All those heated talks at home, the troubles with my parents, the worries and despairs seemed all so far, far away. I thought I had left that all behind in this peaceful and uneventful life I lead now. But my cousin and his wife have managed to bring me back, for better or worse, to what I still have. Family.

The family you cannot choose, unlike the friends you can surrender and sunder. The family you love to hate, and hate to love. The people who have they faults, their mistakes, their terrible secrets, and their temperaments that you keep on pointing out at every chance you get, but then when you remember the one moment in your childhood that you felt loved seems to blur out all their failings. The people who watched you grow from an innocent baby, to a naughty child, to a rebellious teen, and who expect you to be bigger, better, and larger than they could ever hope to be. The people whose words sometimes sting, but at other times are so warming and delicate that they could break silence. The people who sometimes say nothing, but mean everything.

The people you care about, but have a hard time saying or expressing it, because you’ve been brought up not being used to expressing or saying it. The people you’d like to hug and say ‘I love you’ to, but is too difficult because it’s too embarrassing and makes your skin crawl. The people you share only bits and pieces of your life with—while hiding all the rest out of fear of disappointing or despairing them—but then will perhaps be closer than anyone you will ever meet in life. The family you know you will one day loose, but have not yet realised it, until it’s all too late. The people you argue with and for those heated moments seem to detest to the bitter end, but then realise the next day that they are still your family. The family you know will forgive you not matter what you do, and love you all the same, even though some people have a different, more subtle and indirect way of showing it.

The people who often hurt you, by the things they say and the way they say it, but are actually secretly proud of who you’ve become and what you’ve done. The people to whom you seem so useless and worthless, but are silently crying happy tears because they’ve been able to see their years of hardship and patience grow into a fine person. The people who save every penny and are so thrifty and cruel to themselves, in order to put you through college and hope that you’ll have a better future than the rest of them. The people who put so much hopes on you and want to see you succeed in life, but expect nothing in return.

Yes, we talked a lot about family, my cousin, his wife and I. About how I grew up, how I was as a child who often stayed at my cousin’s place…how the ‘good old days’ were, when it was just fun and play. But also about how, away from the fun and play, there were already signs of deterioration lurking around every corner. The years of misunderstanding, prejudice, denial, distrust, non-communication, the interference by people who believe they are trying to make things better but in fact make it all even worse, the deep-seated hatred and intolerance, together with the inability to change and accommodate to others have caused a lot of ruin within my family. I may have been a child, but I could see, perhaps as young as five, that there were things seriously wrong with my family. Not that that is anything out of the ordinary, but when it’s your family, it becomes and is a whole lot bigger than life itself.

And now, confronted again with the realities of the situation at home, the inevitable aging and ill-health of my parents, I should be more concerned. Not that I should start worrying about their well-being every single moment, or start to get myself involved in the ongoing state of cold war at home. Be more concerned, as it caring, understanding and compassionate. I mean I cannot change anything that is going on, even the things that I hear that make me sad and disappointed and hurt. But I can change the way I feel, and the way I feel towards my family. I can wish them well, hope they have the wisdom and courage to step away from their pain and miseries, and hope they have the strength and ability to see happiness and embrace it.

I need not at salt to old wounds. I need not react strongly or be too affected whenever they hurt me by what they say or do. I only need to appreciate, to see what they see, to take them as they are, and not try to see what I want to see, and to try and change them into who I want them to be.

It was realising all this, from the many talks I had, that I felt a sense of ‘relief’. Relief that despite all odds there are still people out there who do care, who are still there for me to depend on when I need to—people who may be very far away, but the bond between them and me seems so strong that I feel it in my dreams and thoughts.

And how long can I have all this?

Summer tours 2006

Pictures and more of trips I went on in the past week.

• Where did David go this time?
  
  
  
  
• Afsluitdijk
  
  
  
• Giethoorn
  
  
  
• Windpower!

• Flevoland
  
  
• Kinderdijk

Loving you, loving me Chapter 11

The new chapter at Nifty and GA is now online.
Please scroll down for lyrics and background info that go with this part of the story.

Enjoy! : )

"Geniet, maar met mate "

Beach journey

Some days you just wake up and want to do something…out of the ordinary.
Today was such a day.

Not exactly a warm welcome as I went downstairs. Brother greeted me by saying the cat had peed again, which is another way of saying ‘clean it up’. Had a quick brunch and decided I needed to get out of the house. Grabbed the bike, a magazine, two bars of chocolate and a bottle of water and just left, unsure where I’d end up.

I cycled and cycled, and it started to drizzle. I didn’t want to turn back, despite the fact that clothes were getting soaked. Going back meant I had to face ‘all that at home’, and I didn’t want to. And knowing Dutch weather, I gathered the rain would stop soon enough. And it did. For a while.

I headed into the dunes, in the general direction of north along the coast. I just cycled and cycled, with music in my ears and thoroughly felt that liberating feeling—or perhaps rush—I get from cycling. Soon my mind clear, and so did the sky.

I wasn’t sure where the path would lead, but I just followed it, taking me up and down little sand hills awash with shrubs and other undergrowth. Eventually the path came to a dead end, and there lying before me was the beach. A deserted one.

I parked my bike and stood for a few moments to take in the view. To one side was Scehveningen, the usually crowded and overpriced resort with a hideous pier. To the other side was emptiness. No surprise in which direction I went.

I started walking, again unsure I where I would end up. Originally I wanted to come to the beach and find a quiet place to sit down and read…but I just kept on walking, and walking, and walking. Occasionally a couple, or someone equally alone as I was, would pass me by. Some travelling the same direction, some the opposite direction. But for those brief moments our paths did cross and meet…or at least our eyes and smiles did.

A little embarrassed as I hadn’t realised that the further I walked, the deeper I tread into naturalist territory. Mostly old(er) people, wrinkled and grey. Not much to look at. Not that I did, or wanted to. I just kept on walking.

At one point I was tired of the shoes on my feet. I wanted to touch nature, and let it touch me. It felt even more liberating to be walking barefoot on the sand. I continued walking, the wind blowing and blowing, the air sometimes filled with the sounds and flapping of seagulls and other birds. Some rested in large droves, some flew over the horizon in a neat formation, braving the strong winds and drizzles. I kept on walking, sand tickling my feet, clinging onto my toes and the crevices between them. Broken seashells glittered in the weak daylight and crunched beneath my feet. I enjoyed that sound, that crunching of empty shells. It made me feel…powerful, like I was in control. Crushing and crunching.

The sea was grey today, and waves brushed against the shore in a low, ever-continuous rasp. Dense clouds loomed above, some patches darker than others. In the distance I could see streaks of rain as they fell to the earth, and that soon would come my way. I kept on walking, walking and walking. In the distance, far, far away I saw some buildings. Still unsure where I was going, and unsure what those buildings were, I headed north, and continued walking.

Sometimes thoughts and worries arose in my mind, but I shook them off, again and again, just as I shook off the sand grains which cling onto my feet, again and again. A lot of the time I felt so small in the backdrop of an endless and empty beach and an even more endless and empty sea. I was there, to clear my mind, to clear my thoughts, to get away. And get away I did.

Left, right, left, right. Memories from Myanmar came back to me as I walked, recalling and trying to relive that meditative momentum. Left, right, left, right. The wind was strong, and at times I was tempted to just turn around and head back, but something kept me going. I came across many pools of water that had been separated by the sea. I wadded through them, like a child through puddles of rain. I splashed and kicked, got myself wet and excited. The water parted beneath me, white foam collected around my knees, and behind me trailed ripples of waves as if a ship had sailed across the water.

Sometimes my toes hurt, cut by the sharp shrapnel of seashells. But I kept on going. I knew I could make it. My eyes were set on those buildings, and my mind set on reaching them. I kept on walking. And eventually did arrive…to my surprise at Katwijk aan Zee! Now, that’s around 10km from where I started. And I had no idea I could do that within 2 hours! Just shows where determination and concentration could take you. I sat down for a few moments, ate my chocolate bars, remembering to put the wrappers into my bag and take them home with me. When you are on an empty beach and there is nothing else but sand and rubbish, you’ll know what I mean. I sat and watched children play, huddled together over a pool, perhaps attempting to decipher what miraculous creature they have uncovered. Old couples walked hand in hand. Young couples walked arm in arm. Other couples stood and hugged, braving the wind that threatened to tear them apart. Some were as alone as I was. Which was comforting.





And then it started to rain again. I thought if I just sat a little longer, the rain would stop. But it didn’t, but got bigger and bigger. People scrambled for cover and fled the beach. I too stood up and patted my sand-soaked trousers. I couldn’t exactly flee. All I could do was face the rain and start the long journey back.

It wasn’t the first time I walked in the rain. But a thought did occur to me: why does it always (seem to) rain whenever I go on a long quest? A test perhaps? Of my will, perseverance, strength, my body? I knew I had it in me to pass the test. And eventually I would.

It rained and rained. At first my spirits were dampened as my trousers and tank-top became soaked. I could only bemoan the skies and fate…but then I realised nobody is to blame. Rain just came, and rain will go. And it eventually did go. That’s the nature of things. Just how it is. I accepted it. And the rain became my friend.

On the way back, most of the journey was in the rain, accompanied by strong gale force winds. Once or twice I passed people who were equally soaked. We gave each other glances and smiles, a sign that we silently understood each other’s predicaments. Those were magical moments of meetings of minds. My drenched clothes clung onto my body. And to be honest I looked … sexy. My abs showed through my white tank-top, and the way the wet clothes stuck to my body accentuated my slimness. My trousers and underwear were equally drenched. The way they stuck to my skin made everything down there somewhat…revealing.
At one point I really had to pee. I looked around, and there was nobody around, safe for the seagulls that roamed the skies above. I did it there and then, on the beach. As I did, I realised why it was a bad idea to do so in the wind. And I don’t mean the risk of €75 fine for ‘wild-peeing’ (wildplassen) like that 3 year old boy received earlier in the week.

I smiled and laughed like I’ve not done in a long, long time. Something about the whole situation was hilarious, and I couldn’t stop laughing. I spread my arms wide to embrace the wind, the rain, the whole world. I stuck my tongue out to taste the rain, feel the wildness of nature soak me and touch me.

I felt so free, so happy. Like a child again.

(My main blog has more pictures) 

Where did David go today?

Started on the beach just below 'Den Haag' and ended up at 'Katwijk aan Zee' ( literally: 'Cat neighbourhood at sea') 10km one way! : )

Long Long journey
Enya © 2005 Warner Music Intl.

City lights shine on the harbour,
night has fallen down,
through the
darkness and the shadow
I will still go on.

Long, long journey through
the darkness,
long, long way to go;
but what are miles across the
ocean
to the heart that's coming home?

Where the road runs through the
valley,
where the river flows,
I will follow every highway to the place I
know.

Long, long journey through the darkness,
long, long way to
go;
but what are miles across the ocean
to the heart that's coming
home?

Long, long journey out of nowhere,
long, long way to go;
but
what are sighs and what is sadness
to the heart that's coming home?

 

Incest...again : (

Yet another shocking story of sexual abuse within the family. A girl was sexually abused by four people: her dad, her brother (who was a minor at the time), a family friend and an uncle. It took place when she was five and lasted around five years. The mother did not know.

“Tong kissing, touching, oral sex again and again, attempts to penetrate the body, the whole spectrum of sexual acts the child had to endure possibly hundreds of times by her father and brother, in some cases even by them both at the same time.”

The brother caught the father ‘in the act’ once, and the father actually encouraged the brother to be involved in the abuse. “Absolutely shocking” [ronduit schokkend] the court said.

The father was sentenced to 3 years (1 year conditional), and the brother 1 year (7 months conditional). The father himself was sexually abused. They will both be treated for their “sexual disorder”.

This makes me sick…How can people do this kind of thing to their own children? The girl was mentally retarded as well, and the father and (to some extent) the brother abused her to satisfy their own sexual desires. Sick! I do not care if the father was sexually abused before; so was I but I would never ever do the same thing to another person! I know how it affects a person emotionally and physically, how abuse can tear your soul out of you and leave you dehumanised and lost like you're dead. I know how much it hurts. So saying you were abused to justify your abusive behaviour is just weak!

All grown up and getting married...

Received a wedding invitation from a friend.

Well, perhaps more than a friend, since we had "something" together at uni in London. He lived in my dorm, and was the first person to talk to me. We found out about each other through a agame of 'truth or dare'. I dared him to take a cookie in his mouth and share it with someone. He chose me, and our lips met for the first time.

He was probably the first person I met that loved me (or so he said), and my "first". We shared many things, experiences (even the very unpleasant ones), and are very much alike in character. He wanted to "go deep", but I wasn't ready. He took the rejection badly, and we never did become serious as a couple after that. Though we did stay close throughout the years, even when he went abroad to study.

Sometimes we'd just sit and chat, about this and that, philosophise about life and the sorry state of the world today, about things that happened to us in the past (even the terrible things), about the meaning of life. I miss those conversations.

I helped him through a lot of difficult times, and most of all out of suicide. Once I took him to the hospital to have him 'quarantined' because it had gotten that bad. He held my hand, and I held his. People at the hospital and the police who eventually came probably thought we were together, but really we were just close. Some nights he would call me and tell me how he wanted someone to be close to. And I'd ride the night bus to his place. We'd just hug and do nothing else, and fall asleep that way. He needed that, a lot. And I guess I did too. I miss that too.

Once, as we were hugging in bed, he asked me if I felt anything. I think my reply was 'no'. Or at least 'not really'. I mean it's difficult to hold someone and be that intimate and not feel anything. But I never did initiate anything. I was his confidant, his shoulder to lean and cry on, and his trust. I could never abuse that. I held myself back, because I didn't want to take advantage of him at his most vulnerable. He had been hurt enough as a child, and needn't be hurt more. I understood that well. I went through the same.

But he turns out to be bi, or I think he was just 'experimenting'. I'm glad for him that he's found the love of his love and is getting married. He really needs that, and I've seen him grow from being very sad and suicidal to being happy (or at least happier) and (more) confident. I guess a relationship helps. In loving you, I love me.

Yes, the 'other' is a girl. He did say he always wanted to settle down and start a family, children. And I knew that all along. I met the couple when they came over to visit me two years ago, and I've not seen them since.

I want to attend, since it'll be a chance to see him again, and visit the UK. Not been there since I graduated, and to be honest kind of missing it. Most of all, missing him too.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I do have feelings for him...and now that he's getting married it'll be pointless if I still do. I do think about him from time to time, and wonder how he's been doing. And I guess that's about it. Or am I just suppressing feelings, like I do so well?

Not sure.

You know who you are...
and I guess you'll always occupy a special place in my life.

Oh....wow!

Just been invited for an interview at a 'very important organisation for international criminal justice'. I'm not going to say which organisation just yet... but I guess smart people out there can figure out themselves. They say they want someone like me with a background in Asian and African studies. My SOASian years fit perfectly into that criteria, and so does my internship two years ago!

So far, it's all "hush, hush", not even my parents know. I don't like people to get excited and then disappointed about nothing.

IF I'm successful, I could be starting an internship there for the next half a year. Would definitely be a big step up for my career (in what I'm not sure yet...).
I've been really hoping to get a reply from them, and sort of gave up after what's almost been four months of waiting...but just then a surprise hits you when you least expect it.

Gay minister

Just found out that the Dutch Minister of Economic Affairs, Joop Wijn, is openly gay. That’s a first here, and more surprising since he’s from the Christian Democratic Party (CDA). He’s young, has had an impressive career as an investment banker, liberal-minded and…well, good-looking too! Some even see him as the successor of the current prime minister.

“This is a stimulus for other homosexual and lesbian women in high positions to be open about their orientation. […] The number of openly homosexual lawmakers and deputies is still low, and countrywide until now there have only been a few secretaries of state who are openly homosexual. The appointment of Joop Wijn as minister breaks through that and with that it [sets an example for] homosexual men and lesbian women that it is possible to have a normal political career in public office.”
Frank van Dalen, chairman of gay-interest group COC

When parliament was discussing the legalisation of homosexual marriage in 2000, Joop was one of the few in his Christian Democratic Party to argue for it. A party elder said of him: “Joop may be homosexual, he is however a family man.” (VN, 29-07-2006)