Insecure

When I started to work at the university, my official position is 'teamleader'. This means that I'm in charge of running this office, and that I have people 'under' me. I managed to find three students that I already know before and with whom I can get along well, and they usually come once a week. It's two guys and a girl, and hopefully we can find another girl to volunteer with us, sort of to maintain the balance, but also because to organise the competition we are working on, we'd ideally need five people.

I don't really see myself as the 'big boss', especially because we're all around the same age, and I often by food and drinks to share with them when they come to work with me. They really makes my job more pleasant, because most other days I'm completely alone in my office with no-one to talk to at all. I'm sort of physically isolated from the rest of the building, because my office is situated in an attic where people used to house (horse-drawn) carriages. Also the nature of the work is so specialised, I basically do my own thing. It's good, because I'm my own boss, and can come and go when I want to... but then I really don't like the lack of communication with other people. The place I work has already few people, but I'm really far away in another part of the building.

So I was glad that the girl came to assist me today, even though it was only for a few short hours. We started working, and I had to make an important phone call to a big sponsor who we really depend on for the success of the competition. I was so relieved after the phone call, because it went really well, and the lady on the other side was really helpful and friendly, and it sounded like we could really cooperate well together.

I finished the conversation, and told the girl how happy I was it went well, and also how nervous I was making the call.

"Nervous? Why do you get nervous?"

I explained because I don't like talking on the phone, that I prefer to talk to people in person... but even then I'm a bit nervous, especially someone I've never met or spoken to before.

"Why? Low self-esteem?"

I answered yes. It's really that... I just feel so 'inadequate' around people, like there are things wrong with me, even though there aren't anything. People have told me many times, but it's hard to get rid of this terrible 'habit'...

"You know, people can tell when you are insecure and uneasy. And there are people who manipulate others when they see they are insecure," my friend said. She went on to say that I slouch a bit, and stutter sometimes when I talk, and even play with my fingers, and bite my nails... all signs of uneasiness and nervousness.

"What makes you this way? Why are you so insecure?"

I said maybe a number of really... by nature I'm just shy and have difficulty opening up to new people... and growing up with an oppressive and abusive brother didn't help my self-esteem... Then out of nowhere:

"Are you straight or gay?"

I was a bit surprised by the question, but almost immediately I answered 'gay'. But I didn't see what that has to do with my insecurity.

"Well, I notice how you walk. You sort of have this hip movement. I didn't know if it was because you are insecure, because insecure people have less control of their bodies. And it could be because you're gay."

I wasn't offended by the question, or the response. I just said, "Well, you see. I'm a minority of a minority of a minority!"

We laughed, and continue talking and connecting. We never had this before, even though she's been coming to work with me for two weeks already, so I really felt glad we connected. She said she was like me before, but she went to classes to train her speech, and also worked on her self-esteem.

Hold the head up, speak slower and clearer, be confident, think and say to yourself that you are confident... Little things, but things that can really project to the outside world and other people what kind of a person you are.