Relational

The self is relational. Who you are or who you perceive yourself to be is in relation to others... Friend, partner, loved one, family... How you interact with them is who you are at that moment.

Why do you speak so softly to some but so angrily with another? Anger and softness it's all within you. What have thee person done or not done to deserve anger or rage? And "done is done", is it not, is it not in the past? So why not be kind to yourself and to the person around you and be kind to all, regardless of what happened before?

The meditation teacher spoke of his battle against leukemia, how the doctor told him he had ten days to leave. Imagine the fear, the desperation and anxiety... Imagine family and friends coming to see you one by one and having to bid farewell to them... And most difficult of all, having to tell his eleven year old that despite the dying body, a father's love for the boy will not die. Ever. That is the stuff of life. That is real struggle with loss and coping with fear and anxiety...

When you hear and look at the lives and struggles of others, do you not feel more fortunate? Do you not feel like you cry about nothing and allow yourself to wallow too deeply in remorse and a world of pain and suffering of your own creation?

Not to trivialise at all my own hurt, my own pain and suffering now, which somehow has unleashed the locked away demons of the past/my childhood. Funny how hurt and pain can reach so deep and so pervasively inside of you that everything comes out... They have thrown me into the throes of doubt, self-criticism, anxiety, depression and negativity. They have undermined and overshadowed all the goodness I have within me, all the kindness I have shown to others, and left me feeling useless and worthless.
It is an ugly mindset I must free myself...

For how else will I feel loved? How else will another love me? How else will I love again...?

Being a friend

If a friend did something wrong, if a friend were depressed and down, were feeling upset and telling you he feels like he is a failure, would you be unkind to him? Would you scold him, give him more pressure, blame him? Would you make him feel worse by telling him not to be so dramatic, by telling him he's insane or indeed a terrible person? Why would you do anything to make him feel worse when he's already down hearted?

Would you not remind him of how good he can be, how kind and gentle he is, and how much potential he has? Would you not remind him he is loved and that there is so much to live for in life? Would you not be there for him, be patient with him? Would you not hug him tightly, hold him, and reassure him "everything will be alright"?

If you can do that to a friend, why can't you do it to yourself? Why be so hard on yourself? Why do we have such a difficult time with ourselves and make our own lives tougher than it already is?

Need to hug myself, once in a while, hold myself, and remind myself to love myself more and more...

Things will be alright.