Graduation

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It still has to sink in what it all means. What holding this piece of paper (degree), what being a graduate really means.

I was just dazed today. Dazed and lost and emotional. So many people were there with me, so many stood by my side and congratulated me. But I was so "out of it", so lost at moments all the speeches that were made, all the pomp and ceremony, all the congratulatory words that were said just washed over me and did not register...

I appreciate so much how people made special plans just to be with me. How they went to all the effort to take time off, to journey here and to get dressed just to be able to stand with me and hug me, to hold me, to tell me how hard I've worked and how courageous I have been despite all odds.

I appreciate it all greatly, really I do. My ex took his first day ever off of work to be here. A friend, a classmate from the same year I began, took several days off to celebrate. Another friend pre-poned her return to Canada just to attend my graduation. Another traveled especially to Montreal just for one day to attend my graduation, before she had to fly back to London (UK) the very next day...

These are such grand gestures I did not feel I deserve, and they are true signs of how much the friends mean to me, and I guess also how much I seem to mean to them.

But I sat there today in the auditorium and was overcome with sadness. The valedictorian gave a speech about being grateful to family, friends and pets for our achievements. I am, but how I so wish mum were by my side to see all of this... To see me walk up on stage and see me in a split moment of honour and glory... I teared a couple of times during the ceremony. And that split second when my name was called I was not there. I was like a zombie walking across the stage, a zombie trying to force a smile, trying to be happy. I'm not sure anyone noticed. But the pictures that a friend took of me sitting there waiting for my name to be called certainly did...

Graduation day

I called mum. It was one in the morning, one in the afternoon for her. I saw her, she saw me. She looked so thin, and her hair looked somehow as if it had thinned. She looked so ill, so scary, so weak. Her lips moved up and down like fish, as if she were gasping for air. Whatever she looks like, she is my mother, my ex reminded me.

She mumbled something. I could not hear her. She moved her thin arm slowly, and her thin, thin fingers seemed to rub her eyes. She probably had idea I could see her, see her every move.

"I've never once made it to your graduation..." she said again. "Not once..."

"It's just a ceremony..." I said, though my heart wrenched terribly inside.

How I wish mum could be with her, how I wish my family could be with me. I am so fortunate to be surrounded by friends who love me and care about me, who have journeyed from various far away places just to see me and just to be with me on this special day... But I miss my family. I wish I could walk down that podium tomorrow and walk into mum's arms, and whisper to her: "This is for you, dear mother... This is for you..."

Mum turned away and curled up in a foetal position. "I am tired..." she said. Her eyes were wide open, she looked so small, so fragile, so much like a little child. Like a little child I so want to protect and keep away from harm...

"Take care," I said, "Sleep well..."

I waited till brother hung up the phone. But even with the darkened screen of the computer, the image of mum lying there, curled up, thin to the bone and with wide open eyes bulging out o her sockets, stayed with me and haunted me. The tears waited till brother hung up the phone, and then they fell.

Congrats

Just got an email. My thesis has been approved.

This means I'm on my way to graduating in June.

How exciting...