I cant breathe

 

The days just slip by. Like a dream, or a nightmare, depending on who you are asking, and who is experiencing it.

It is almost six months into the year, a year that has to date been marked by and irrevocably changed by the pandemic that was first detected over two hundred days ago, and spread all over the world. Now, close to 7 million (official) infections and 400,000 (counted) deaths later, the world is still reeling from this all, trying to make sense of it all. What is clear is there will be an independent investigation into the response of the coronavirus, even though in recent days it has been made clear through leaked documents that the WHO, or at least leadership at the world body, colluded with China to hide or deliberately delay alerting the world.

The world is burning... tensions between China and the United States, which is led by an megamaniac and tyrant, is boiling over. the people of Hong Kong are facing a newly introduced security law aimed at cracking down on "any" act of secession, subversion, terrorism or activities by foreign foreces. Today, 31 years ago, was the watershed moment that seems to have led to nothing on Tiananmen. Only the people of Hong Kong, defying a pretext/ban on gathering due to coronavirus, and a handful of those who care and remember, will be remembering...

And in the midst of it all, racial tensions have again been thrust into the front pages after a black man was brutally killed by a policeman in Minneapolis, who knelt on top of the handcuffed man for almost 9 minutes till he suffocated and died.

"I can't breathe..."

Those were the haunting last words of George Floyd, a 46 year old man accused of using a fake $20 bill at a store, and was later pinned to the ground and killed by police. Race riots and demonstrations spread across the US, fueled by the angry tweets by the president and opportunists seizing the occassion to plunder and loot. To top it off, China, with its  glaring human rights record and respect for blacks, is using the opportunity to once again underline the failings of liberal democracies.

If anything, this shows that beneath the surface, race still matters, and that blacks and people of colour are still being treated unfairly. It shows that race matters, and that the system is predisposed to judge and be biased against (particularly) black people.

This horrendous killing, by the very force entrusted with the powers to serve and protect civilians, comes just days after a white "Karen" called the police on a black man  and falsely accused her for threatening her and her unleashed dog, when the man told her simply to leash her dog in a protected area of Central Park. His only "crime"? Telling off a girl who knows how to use her privilege and trigger words to call the police.  


For days and weeks to come, corporations and facebook/social media pages will change their profiles to show solidarity. But will things change as memories of those haunting images and the harrowing sound of those words "I can't breathe" fade?

I can't breathe

 

The days just slip by. Like a dream, or a nightmare, depending on who you are asking, and who is experiencing it.

It is almost six months into the year, a year that has to date been marked by and irrevocably changed by the pandemic that was first detected over two hundred days ago, and spread all over the world. Now, close to 7 million (official) infections and 400,000 (counted) deaths later, the world is still reeling from this all, trying to make sense of it all. What is clear is there will be an independent investigation into the response of the coronavirus, even though in recent days it has been made clear through leaked documents that the WHO, or at least leadership at the world body, colluded with China to hide or deliberately delay alerting the world.

The world is burning... tensions between China and the United States, which is led by an megamaniac and tyrant, is boiling over. the people of Hong Kong are facing a newly introduced security law aimed at cracking down on "any" act of secession, subversion, terrorism or activities by foreign foreces. Today, 31 years ago, was the watershed moment that seems to have led to nothing on Tiananmen. Only the people of Hong Kong, defying a pretext/ban on gathering due to coronavirus, and a handful of those who care and remember, will be remembering...

And in the midst of it all, racial tensions have again been thrust into the front pages after a black man was brutally killed by a policeman in Minneapolis, who knelt on top of the handcuffed man for almost 9 minutes till he suffocated and died.

"I can't breathe..."

Those were the haunting last words of George Floyd, a 46 year old man accused of using a fake $20 bill at a store, and was later pinned to the ground and killed by police. Race riots and demonstrations spread across the US, fueled by the angry tweets by the president and opportunists seizing the occassion to plunder and loot. To top it off, China, with its  glaring human rights record and respect for blacks, is using the opportunity to once again underline the failings of liberal democracies.

If anything, this shows that beneath the surface, race still matters, and that blacks and people of colour are still being treated unfairly. It shows that race matters, and that the system is predisposed to judge and be biased against (particularly) black people.

This horrendous killing, by the very force entrusted with the powers to serve and protect civilians, comes just days after a white "Karen" called the police on a black man  and falsely accused her for threatening her and her unleashed dog, when the man told her simply to leash her dog in a protected area of Central Park. His only "crime"? Telling off a girl who knows how to use her privilege and trigger words to call the police.  


For days and weeks to come, corporations and facebook/social media pages will change their profiles to show solidarity. But will things change as memories of those haunting images and the harrowing sound of those words "I can't breathe" fade?

Is the CBC speaking on behalf of the CCP?

 

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation (CBC) prides itself on seeking truth in “all matters of public interest”. Accuracy, fairness, balance, impartiality and integrity are all the buzzwords the publicly-funded broadcaster cites as its principles. However, last week, in a scathing and biased attack against the Epoch Times, the Canada’s national broadcaster has failed the public in an epic piece of poor journalism.

The media saga began on 29 April 2020, when the CBC, carried a story with the headline “‘Racist and inflammatory’: Canadians upset by Epoch Times claim China behind virus, made it as a bioweapon”. A YouTube CBC reporting of the same sensationalist news-making item was taken down after it was overwhelming downvoted. A day later, the same story, with some new twists, was uploaded, with the comments section suspiciously turned off.

The story is centred on the personal remarks of a lady from Kelowna, Canada, who said she felt the Epoch Times was “racist and inflammatory”. She expressed her worry that the free copy of the Epoch Times she received in her mail contained “anti-Communist Party messaging could inflame racial tensions in Canada”. 

Original headline on 29 April 

 

Media outlets often have certain political leanings. That is an accepted, or rather a cherished, fact of living in a liberal democracy. In Canada, there is a whole spectrum of media outlets from the Star to the Globe and Mail to the National Post and Toronto Star that each have have reported negatively on the way the Chinese Communist Party (CPC) has handled the outbreak of the coronavirus, which to date has claimed close to 300,000 lives and infected over 4 million people worldwide. Even the CBC reported on this just two weeks earlier.

What is inflammatory is the suggestion that anti-Communist Party sentiments is equal to racism and inflaming racial tensions in Canada. How would a Caucasian person living in Kelowna be able to offer valuable commentary on racism or what Chinese people feel? If anything, to presume that all Chinese people would be offended by anti-Communist Party sentiments, is in itself a racist presumption. As the publisher of the Epoch Times, Ms. Cindy Gu, rightly stated, “Some people may have erroneously conflated criticism of the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) with criticism of the Chinese people”. To equate Chinese people with the Chinese government or the cruel authoritarian regime in Beijing is the very source of racial tensions that the CCP has willingly tried to stoke across the globe. It is unfortunate the CBC has knowingly or otherwise played into the hand of the CPC. Through this poorly researched and cobbled together piece of writing, the Canadian public is funding the latter’s propaganda efforts. 

  Modified headline on 30 April

Another major flaw of the CBC’s reporting was interviewing the Canada Post carrier, who claimed that the Epoch Times is saying the “coronavirus is part of a bio-warfare agenda by the Chinese people”. If he had bothered to read the contents of the paper, no such claim is made. Such suspicions have been raised, and until China opens up to the world about the true source of the coronavirus, it is right to raise such suggestions. Even world leaders and other media outlets have suggested that the virus may have originated from a biolab, which has not been disproven because the Chinese government has refused all independent investigation into the virus. In fact, the CCP has banned all research into the virus within China. More importantly, why does the personal opinion of a postal carrier matter when his job is to deliver, and not arbitrarily judge the contents of and censor, mail? Rightly, the Canadian Federal government decided that the Epoch Times does “ does not appear to meet the required criteria of the offence of wilful promotion of hatred”. 

The rest of the story is a smear campaign questioning the validity of the Epoch Times as an independent media outlet. It has never been a hidden fact that the Epoch Media Group, which The Epoch Times falls under, is sympathetic to the Falun Gong religious movement. However, what is wrong with a media outlet with particular religious beliefs? Would a story carried by the Christian Science Monitor or the Jewish Chronicle receive similar disapproval and unprofessional attempts by the CBC to dig into their source of funding or perspectives? Foreign Policy, the New York Times, the Globe and Mail, Time magazine and so many other international media outlets have all over the past months carried articles that are extremely critical of the Chinese Communist Party, and have pointed to the Chinese government’s mishandling and attempts to cover up the coronavirus and misinformation campaigns. Where is the outrage of the Canada Post postal worker for spreading supposed hatred and xenophobia? 

Modified headline, yet again, on 1 May

The search for the truth and unrelenting investigative journalism of the Epoch Times has won it accolades and awards around the world. Indeed, Ms. Gu was decorated with the 2012 Queen Elizabeth II Diamond Jubilee Medal for her valuable contribution to Canadian society. Without the likes of the Epoch Times, who else is there to continually expose the horrendous human rights abuses, corruption and immorality of the CCP, which is the shame and bane humanity? Which other media outlet but the Epoch Times would regularly highlight and remind the world of the live harvesting of organs, the mass incarceration of Uyghurs, the abuse of Hong Kong democracy advocates and a whole host of Beijing’s coverups and propaganda efforts? Just imagine if the publicly-funded CBC were to run stories openly attacking news media that enjoys the support of and carries the voice of dissidents of Iran, North Korea, or Tibet.

The inflammatory headline of the exact same story was changed no less than three times over the course of three days. The headline is now a much toned down “Some Canadians who received unsolicited copy of Epoch Times upset by claim that China was behind virus”. It is now accompanied by an Editor’s note admitting that the earlier headline incorrectly stated the Epoch Times had claimed the virus as a bioweapon.

However, the fact that this unfortunate media saga has been played out exposes CBC’s unfortunate bias, and the lack of professionalism of its reporters. It underlines the failure of the CBC to live up to its self-proclaimed principles, and highlights the need for independent, investigative media outlets that are not afraid to speak truth to power like the Epoch Times.

Anxieties

 

 

There is such an unease in the air. Unease that is transformed into fatigue, lethargy, and just overall agitation. For the past week or so, I have felt unwell. Initially there were worried that the sore throat and just wish to sleep is a sign that "I got it". But luckily, I still have my sense of smell, taste, and I have no fever. Not that there are sure signs of what it feels like to get corona. From what I read, it is just horrible, and the most excrutiating experience ever. Others report feeling just fine.

Back in 2014 (or 2015? The years over the past decade have just merged into one another... this is what growing older feels like), I caught the H1N1 (Influenza A). Initially, I thought it was just fever, but that fever would not subside for days, no matter what medicine I took. By the fifth day or so, I had to be taken to hospital. I was so weak, I could just barely get to the toilet, and all I wanted was to lie down and sleep. Luckily, by that time, Tamiflu was already available, and a rush to the ER and an IV drip, as well as a whole regiment of pills for 10 days, I was better. Though, for months after that, I felt my lung capacity reduced, and a "normal" walk would leave me heaving for breath.

Luckily, I am still ok. But there is this unease, anxiety and fear that hangs over me, and I imagine over everyone. Sleepnessless and insomia are common signs these days affecting many people I know. And I feel less social, even more so, than I already am as a result. Less social, and somewhat irritable. That is what being confined to your home for an extended period of time does...

But at least I have a home, and also a steady flow of income, which is what many around the world do not. Governments have unleashed billions in stimulus packages and benefits to make sure that those affected by the shutdown and indefinite closure of non-essential businesses do not fall into absolute poverty. It does beg the question of where the money suddenly comes from, and why in "normal" times, ideas like a universal basic income (UBI, popularised by American-Taiwanese former US presidential candidate Andrew Yang) are scoffed at. Why is it that banks and businesses, that make billions in profits year after year after year, are suddenly crying and begging for help within weeks of a shutdown, while the lower income classes are expected to make do with a basic income? Why is it that trillions can be spent on defence and the pharmaseutical lobbies, yet just a fraction of that is hard to come by even just for stockpiling of basic protective gear for the frontline workers?

Who will think of the refugees and homeless in the time of enforced social distancing? Where are they supposed to stay "home" at when they do not have a home? The other day, a friend saw a starving and homeless outside a coffee shop, and offered to buy him a meal. My friend and his wife were sneezed on (not purposely), and are not deadly afraid they may have caught something. And what happened to that man who, after receiving his one free meal, must stay outside ?

This coronacrisis is causing a lot of anxiety, unrest, and thrown the world into disarray.
But in this disarray, perhaps we can see some truths or the realities of how broken our world is, and try to change it for the better?

Rapturing

 

There is a lot of anxiety in the air.
Across the land.
In the world.

With mounting deaths every single day, and the fear of getting infected, that anxiety, fear, higher incidence of lucid dreams all appear to be very natural.

For the last two hours or so, my roommate suddenly felt very unwell. Symptoms of nausea, dizziness, tingling sensations, and added to those, sudden sensations of euphoria that ebbed and flowed, and seeing strange lines, lights and spots over the past couple of days. It is all very puzzling. And worrying.

In times of crisis, there seem to be a spike of anxiety, and also conspiracy theories. About the link of growing installations of 5G towers, the takeover by reptilian overlords, conspiracy that the current coronavirus crisis is linked to an attempt by the medical community to vaccinate, or that Bill Gates' very prophetic TED talk 5yrs ago meant that he is in a conspiracy to depopulate and microchip every single person (he returned to TED to give us an enlightening account of how to respond and proceed).

Back in February, a friend suddenly asked me how I am doing, and whether I felt "strange". I did, at the time, begin to have disturbed sleep and also a general sense of unease (more so than usual), and these feelings have persisted till now.

So it's been going on for around 2 months now, more or less coinciding with the beginning of the coronavirus. In fact, I was in Asia at the end of January, the very week of the lockdown of the epicentre Wuhan, so I watched and followed the news of what was happening there very closely, because I was physically almost right there. So at a time when the rest of the world dismissed the coronavirus as a seasonal flu, I already had a sense that it was something much bigger (...and sure enough, things exploded by the latter half of February, beginning with Italy the week of my birthday). This unease, and the sense of something drastic and lasting began already back at the end of January.

The friend said a lot of things are changing and moving around. Planets retrograding, causing cosmic shifts in energies that will be sure to affect everyone on Earth.  Sure enough, he had two bouts of "attacks" that made him fear for his existence. The closest I could describe it (as it was described to me) was rapturing. Transcending to some higher existence, going beyond life and living. He said he was terrified, and that it tortured his being so.

My roomie's symptoms seemed to have subsided after she lay in bed for some time, and we just talked through things. But the idea that the rapture, or the opening of the chakras or third eye, was in the back of our minds.

What if something more cosmic, beyond-this-world is really happening?
What if, with the increased geopolitical tensions, self-interested actions, and increased xenophobia and racial tensions, are indeed realted to something bigger than the actual pandemic?

We are still unable to make sense of what is happening.
Because what is happening is unprecedented, and on such a global and long-duration scale that we cannot understand or put it into perspective.

A lot of people are lost, feeling aches and pains, feeling the pangs of anxiety and depression setting in.

This is a time for hope, even though hope seems to be in short supply.

Below a beautiful concert, Music for Hope, by Andrea Bocceli. The contrast of the emptied/empty streets of familiar cities that are usually bustling, with the moving music, is such a powerful expression of the times.

Tai-won

A sleepless night. It's past 7 in the morning, and the results are clear. They have been pretty much since the beginning when they began counting at 3 or so.

The Greens have won. It was predicted, but still, in uncertain times like these, you never know what could suddenly happen, what could suddenly turn.

There were moments I felt so sleepy, and I tried to lie down. But my anxiety and excitement prevented me from falling.

They say it's really the young/youth votes. This was a struggle of the generations. It was also a struggle between the pro-democracy forces and the pro-China/pro-authoritarian camp, and fortunately the former won. Democracy would ultimately win in an election, but there are moments like this when democracy wins double, as the revisionist forces threaten to strike back and reign again.

I hope that with 57% of the votes, the incumbent and ruling party would not be too proud, but instead use their renewed confidence from the people and over half of the parliament to do better, to implement the promises and positive changes that would take the country to a better, brighter and more sustainable future.

And I hope the losers, the losing KMT, would accept its defeat, accept that it needs to change and reform and to keep up with the times, shed its old guard and shed its obviously pro-Beijing beliefs to better serve the people and serve as a viable opposition.

Broken are the old party lines, the gangster-politics, the predictabilities and loyalties along geographic lines. Broken are the old guard, broken are the old ideas. In comes the new, modern voting patterns and demands that needs to be listened to and reflected.

Luckily, the Trump-esque and uneducated, crass bumpkin lost. He has yet to concede, but that will come soon. I wonder what he would say, as the things that have come out of his mouth have been so vile and so misogynist and so unworthy of the role of president.

Fortunately, rationality and reason have again triumphed in Taiwan.

God bless this precious island...

Eve of election night

It's that time of 4 year cycle again...
The anxiety and the anticipation till the counting of the votes and grand revealing of results. This time 24hrs from now, results will have begun pouring in.

I will either feel a sense of dread, or elation.
They say the world is watching Taiwan, as it usually is around the time of the presidential elections. It is the only place in the Chinese speaking world where the people can freely determine the leader. But this time, there is more at stake. This election, and Taiwan in general, has become a battle ground between the US and China, liberatarian values vs authoritarianism, disinformation vs struggle for finding and speak truth in an age of fakenews and distorted and divided realities. What happens after the elections could make or break the island nation, and the region. It is a struggle between the incumbent Tsai Ing-Wen, and a real bumpkin 草包  who uses misogny, brass comments, theatrics and slogans to attract and retain die-hard voters who are "pan-blues" who wish nothing but the failure of the greens--even if it means that China will gain the upper hand and prove its interference tactics and attempts to infiltrate Taiwanese politics and society is working.

There is a deep seated fear in me that populism and ignorance will win over the calm and sense of duty and perserverance of the incumbent. People seem more entertained by a clown than someone who is serious and who seems to have the interests of the Taiwanese people at heart. People seem more bitter about the benefits and pensions that have been for too long offered to civil servants that they cannot see that that structure is simply not sustainable. People seem to ignore or choose not to see the painful, bloody struggle of the people of Hong Kong, who are fighting and have been fighting for over six months for greater represenatation and against the encroachment of Beijing in HK society and politics, which is irreversible...

I pray for Taiwan.
I pray that freeom, true freedom and the people who have the best wishes of the island and its people will continue to govern its politics.

I pray that those with ill-gotten gains, ill-intentions and those who are puppets of communists in China will lose and fade.

But we have seen the rise and continued tragedy of Trump and his brand of populism, attacks on the media, and disregard for the fineness and honour of the office of the president.
Can Taiwan be immune?

New Year's Eve

Not quite New Year's Eve, but I did begin this post, or at least the title of it, on New Year's Eve 2020. That was already 10 days ago. 10 days into the new year, and I am feeling anxious, agitated, and out of sync.

It's  certainly been a long time since I last wrote on here. There are many reasons, but I think the main one is just laziness, or perhaps the lack of willingness and inspiration that comes with living life day after day after day. To be honest, life has been good the past year, with relatively little moments that were difficult or that I felt were worth reporting. It does make me wonder whether life is only worth writing about when things tough and life is a struggle...

I had a full year, the seventh year of working at the place I immediately began working at after graduating, which happened to be the same year that mum passed away. Looking back, those years when I was most prolific with writing was when I went through those painful and difficult moments with mum. Those hospital days, those grueling waiting moments, those moments of helplessness and hopelessness. Life gradually became better, especially as grief gave way to smiles, or at least acceptance of the routines of life. Waking, working, eating, emotional stimulation, physical pleasures, the occasional exercise, and moments of sleep when all is shut away till I am again conscious and feeling things to repeat the routine of work, sleep, pooping, and reacting to stimuli.

Of course, in the past year, I have done much more than what I have just captured with a few words. Those words hardly do justice to the moments of fascination, loneliness, or moments of being filled with gratitude or bliss that I experienced. I continue to count myself as lucky--and I must never forget how lucky and fortunate I am, to have a home/roof over my head (to actually own property in an age of unaffordable rents and skyrocketing property prices. How lucky I am to have a job that allows me the freedom to work on things I enjoy, the freedom to occasionally escape and delay in getting back to emails, and the freedom to travel to various parts of the world to speak and share whatever "expertise" or experience I have (even though at time, I feel like an imposter and inadequate...). In the past year, I have been to Finland, Qatar (a personal, and secretive trip to explore career opportinities) , Germany, Belgium, Turkey, Japan, Taiwan, Georgia, US, and NYC, US. Not to mention the side trips I have made to visit my family whenever I am in Europe.

I am very fortunate that I lead a life and have work that allows me such flexibility to travel and fly around (at last count, I flew over 70,000 miles , which is around 3 times around the world). And I am blessed with friends who care about me, and a roommate I get along with very well, as well as cats that are ever so patient and fill me with that warmth and joy whenever I stroke them or just look at them from a distance.

I am indeed very fortunate.

But. And here comes the but.

There is such uncertainty still in my life, and I long for some kind of certainty, stability, or at least a sense of direction.

These past few weeks, since before Christmas, I have been doing very little and purposely ignored messages from work. I have felt unmotivated, and want honestly to leave, but do not really have the courage to tell the people at work that I have "checked out" of work. I mean, I have already expressed my desire to leave a few times, and purposely did not sign to renew my work contract that was sent to me a month ago. I just do not feel it any more. I have searched and found something that potentially interests me, and in a week or so, I should hear about whether that will be moving forward. So there is much anxiety and uncertainty in this regard.

And at the same time, I have met someone. Completely unexpected, but it's coming up to three months that we have known each other, and have been seeing each other. It's all lovely and all, as are these meetings with someone after a long spell of being single (and goodness, it's been a long time since I have been with someone). But even in this relationship (if we can call it that), there is much uncertainty. He would like to be more steady, call each other boyfriends, but there is the caveat that there is some openness, some leeway to have physical experiences with others in the relationship. Im stuck with this choice of whether to move forward, or to call it quits. I'm just confused...

Anyways, a disjoined piece tonight, as it's almost 4am.
I've been going to bed rather late/early this past week. It's just been a cycle of sleeping late, and waking up late, and lying in bed, half asleep, half wishing to sleep the day and hours away so I do not have to get up and do much. Much of this simply to avoid facing my issues or the work and emails that have stacked up since I slipped into "checked-out " mode a month or so ago...

Perhaps I will come back and write more in the coming period. And more will make sense.

Miss them dearly....

It's been a while I  signed into Skype on my phone. When I did, trying to contact the monk in Taiwan, I came across mum's picture.

I used to call her so often. Every single day, sometimes twice a day. I miss her...
And I miss dad as well.

The holidays are never easy. 

Neighbour

I came home after almost three weeks away. My roomie greeted me warmly, and then she said there is something she did not want to say over the phone. Our neighbour passed away last week.

It was a shock. I remember the morning I left, I was just outside her door, and the superintendent of the building was knocking at her door together with a concerned neighbour who had not seen her in a few days. She's all by herself, doesn't really do much except listen to classical music and watch news and religious channels. She likes to frequent a coffee shop around the corner (where she wanted to set me up with a single girl once, shortly after I moved in...). She doesn't really interact much with others, but whenever I did see her, she would be so warm and friendly, and call me "Professor".

It's hard to believe that she's not there anymore. Even today, as I was heading home, I was thinking to myself I should knock on her door and say hello. I tried calling her around three weeks ago, when I saw that the super and another person in the building could not find her. But her mobile phone was off, and nobody picked up at home. Then I asked my roomie to check up on her. Turned out she was in hospital due to her heart condition. And that was what took her eventually...

She had told me about her condition on several conditions. When the temperature drops, she, like many with a heart condition, feel it more. She complained of discomfort, and that she has to take pills to regulate it. We once exchanged for a while over this, as I said I also have something, arythmia that was diagnosed around 3 years ago, but nothing that the doctors said needs to be addressed urgently (though surgery is necessary to correct it, and best done when I'm still young...). She said she's had surgery before, and that she needs to be very careful. Last time we spoke for a while, just out in the corridor, she asked me whether it's good to fly with a heart condition. She said she wanted to go back home, to her native Philippines, where her mother is, and whose health is not that well. She was worried, and asked me how long the flight is. I recommended that she speak to her doctor, and that it's at least 20hrs or so of traveling--easiest probably with Eva via Taiwan, as it's decent and comfortable even in Economy Class. Who could have thought that would be the last conversation we would have...

It's odd... I've seen her at most a dozen or so times since I moved here three years ago. Yet, when I heard the news, it really pained me. Was it the knowledge that she spent her last hours alone, and probably in much distress and pain? Was it perhaps the guilt I feel because I was not more in touch with her... even though I vowed to myself when I left home last time to check up on her more? Was it because I made mental notes to invite her over for a simple meal, but never did? She said to me many times she does not know how to cook, and asked me if I knew how to cook... Why did I never invite her over when I had the chance...?

It pained and pains me to know that I will no longer bump into her in the corridor, or on the way home, or close by the corner cafe. Her and her light blue jacket, her navy blue tuc... or simple t-shirt in the summer. That smile she always wore, that warmth she always greeted me and called me "Professor" with... I have to admit that on occasion, I felt a bit annoyed by the way she would call me, or how she would try to set me up with some girl she knew... but she just wanted to help, and it's expected from someone her age (70s...).

The most memorable interaction with her was around this time last year. Her heating broke down during what must have been the coldest spell for years. She saw me one day and asked if the heating is working, and I recommended her to the repair company. Then a few days later, I saw and overhead her speaking with the super downstairs about the heating issue. It was still not addressed, and she had been without heat for almost two weeks. I was shocked... especially for someone in her condition. I offered to help her call the heating repair company, and made an appointment for her. Then it turns out that they can only take credit cards to make an appointment, which my neighbour does not have... I didn't think twice and said I'm happy for her to use my card, even though I did not know how much it would all cost. My worry was that she would suffer or worse in the persistent cold... nobody should have to suffer like this, even though she told me "It's God's will, and I'm prepared..." I dismissed it, and said there are things that we can fix, simple practical things like getting a repair crew to fix the heater. And within a few days, she had heat again. She was ever so grateful. It was, for me, nothing.

She was a simple lady. Her apartment was filled with Bibles, biblical ornaments, candles, books and things she got from her days when she did the God's work at a convent or on missions. She talked about God and religion a lot, it was her passion, her life. She was ready to be accepted into God's embrace... I gave her a small cross, I remember, from my trip to Bethlehem, and she was overjoyed.

And now she is no more.

I hope she is at ease, and truly with God and no longer so alone or lonely.

RIP, Clementia...