Through a friend I met a couple. A very cute and seemingly compatible couple. It was only today I found out that they were on their 'honeymoon', as they got 'married' (partnered) recently.
I chatted with them, about how they met, how they've been together for over two years, and one day it just dawned on them to get officially 'married'. I guess there comes a point when you realise: this is the one, this is the one I can picture myself being with all my life.
They admitted it's because there are economic benefits, especially since they were already living together. But there are other, more important issues, like visitation rights should someone fall ill and be hospitalized, rights to insurance payout should one be maimed or pass away; all the rights and privileges a legally sanctioned relationship enjoy.
Seeing them so happy together, touching and caressing one another, kissing passionately in public made me envious. It's so beautiful, yet at the same time hard to watch, because it just reminds me of what I so long for, but have difficulty finding, or keeping. That closeness, that intimacy, that trust, that understanding and that meeting of two minds to want to spend the rest of our lives together, no matter what.
It's so beautiful, so hard to find, and so precious to keep and treasure.
30 July 2011
28 July 2011
friend's child
We met at the beginning of the last year of my studies in london. Because of number of personality traits and life experiences, we became very close, and thanks to him those final days of my studies felt less lonely.
Over the years, though I've moved away, we kept in touch, and I followed news of how he met his wife, how they fell in love and eventually got married. I had the honour of being his best man, but I could not go at the time as I had just started a degree.
Fast forward a few years, six months or so ago, they had their first child together. A beautiful baby of mixed origin, with pale skin and fine oriental features. Everytime I see the pictures of his son, I could feel how proud he was, and how loving the family is.
But behind the scenes, the child has suffered several epilepsy attacks and been in and out of hospital numerous times. I did what little I could, leave him messages of encouragement and hope, send them my well wishes when I meditated.
Today, my friend's profile status stated that the baby stopped breathing numerous time, and may not survive...
A sense of shock and sadness overcame me, but my thoughts turned to my friend and his wife... What they must be feeling...? The depths of worry, agony, hurt and forlorn must be unbearable. And all that my friend has gone through in life, yet another painful and difficult hurdle for him to overcome.
My thoughts are with you, my friend...
Over the years, though I've moved away, we kept in touch, and I followed news of how he met his wife, how they fell in love and eventually got married. I had the honour of being his best man, but I could not go at the time as I had just started a degree.
Fast forward a few years, six months or so ago, they had their first child together. A beautiful baby of mixed origin, with pale skin and fine oriental features. Everytime I see the pictures of his son, I could feel how proud he was, and how loving the family is.
But behind the scenes, the child has suffered several epilepsy attacks and been in and out of hospital numerous times. I did what little I could, leave him messages of encouragement and hope, send them my well wishes when I meditated.
Today, my friend's profile status stated that the baby stopped breathing numerous time, and may not survive...
A sense of shock and sadness overcame me, but my thoughts turned to my friend and his wife... What they must be feeling...? The depths of worry, agony, hurt and forlorn must be unbearable. And all that my friend has gone through in life, yet another painful and difficult hurdle for him to overcome.
My thoughts are with you, my friend...
Schubert d-minor D 810
Slow, troubled, holding back, and then unleashing the build up of it all...
Beautiful.
Beautiful.
27 July 2011
Life and death
A friend just wrote to me, pouring her heart about about the latest loss of a loved one. Just over two months ago, she had lost her mother, and now, another person dear in her life passed away.
She wrote to me, expressing much fear and confusion in her mind. At the end of it all, she apologised for bothering me with her dark thoughts and news, but I thought nothing of it.
I spent the entire evening writing back to her, hoping that she could find some solace in my words. I wished there was much more I could do, but being so far away, all I could do was 'listen' and write back, encouraging her to live on, to move on and continue with life, however painful and difficult it may be.
She expressed to me how deep the loneliness feels of losing a dear one. I wrote back, consoling her, telling her, perhaps in the cliche way, that it is all natural, that when there is life, there is death, and that feelings will pass. But deep down, I questioned myself as I was writing... I can write all this to console a friend in need, can I really console myself when the moment comes when I have to deal with loss?
Have I really felt that depth of loneliness, that sense of despair you don't want to live anymore because you have lost all the motherly comfort and security you have known and gotten used to before...? Am I prepared for it? And who can I turn to really, who can I really feel comfortable confiding in and not feel awkward about burdening?
I could write so beautifully, perhaps even so poetically, about dealing with death and about trying to move on.... but deep inside, I felt and heard the word "hypocrite" echoing... What do I really know about death? Perhaps I have forgotten already, since it has already been over three years since dad passed away. And dealing with mum's illness, even though it is facing death, is not really death itself. Am I really all that experienced and immune to the pain? Will I not feel the same sense of loss and being lost when it happens to me next? And can I really cope on my own?
I don't know... but however much I care for my friend and however much I am concerned about her wellbeing, these questions make me feel like an impostor and a fake.
She wrote to me, expressing much fear and confusion in her mind. At the end of it all, she apologised for bothering me with her dark thoughts and news, but I thought nothing of it.
I spent the entire evening writing back to her, hoping that she could find some solace in my words. I wished there was much more I could do, but being so far away, all I could do was 'listen' and write back, encouraging her to live on, to move on and continue with life, however painful and difficult it may be.
She expressed to me how deep the loneliness feels of losing a dear one. I wrote back, consoling her, telling her, perhaps in the cliche way, that it is all natural, that when there is life, there is death, and that feelings will pass. But deep down, I questioned myself as I was writing... I can write all this to console a friend in need, can I really console myself when the moment comes when I have to deal with loss?
Have I really felt that depth of loneliness, that sense of despair you don't want to live anymore because you have lost all the motherly comfort and security you have known and gotten used to before...? Am I prepared for it? And who can I turn to really, who can I really feel comfortable confiding in and not feel awkward about burdening?
I could write so beautifully, perhaps even so poetically, about dealing with death and about trying to move on.... but deep inside, I felt and heard the word "hypocrite" echoing... What do I really know about death? Perhaps I have forgotten already, since it has already been over three years since dad passed away. And dealing with mum's illness, even though it is facing death, is not really death itself. Am I really all that experienced and immune to the pain? Will I not feel the same sense of loss and being lost when it happens to me next? And can I really cope on my own?
I don't know... but however much I care for my friend and however much I am concerned about her wellbeing, these questions make me feel like an impostor and a fake.
26 July 2011
Will
I don't know how we got onto the topic, but out of nowhere my friends brought up the topic of writing a will. It sounds silly, especially at this age, and as I've not got much to give away should anything happen to me. But perhaps it's not really silly after all, and in fact I've thought about it somewhat over the past few years, especially since dad passed away and as mum's health has declined.
I wouldn't know what I would leave behind to the world. All the worldly possessions and whatever is in my money I could give to charity... perhaps some dear friend would get a treasured item or two. But for the rest, at least so far, I have not left much on this world except the impressions on the lives of people who have come into my life. Perhaps that is my legacy.... I try, and keep on trying, to make people dear in my life feel valued and special, cared for and important. And no where is that more clear in the way I treat my own mother. And I know, or at least I feel, I am capable of doing that to others who have a place in my heart.
The conversation moved onto investments and life policies. Someone said it was not important for gays to have those, especially if we don't have children. More important is to have some kind of disability insurance in case something happens, so that you can at least be independent. Put it crudely, chances are you will be single and there will be no one really to take care of you.
Hearing that make me think and become somewhat apprehensive. Of course that is all speculative and one never knows what will happen... but it may be true, especially being alone and single that it will be harder for me to depend on any kind of safety structure should anything like an illness or disability occur to me. Most people would have families to fall back on, a spouse or children to provide moral and emotional support. But if I am to be single then really I need to think of contingency plans and ways to safeguard my own future.
It all sounds and feels very abstract and premature, I know. But really, when I am reminded of the prospect of being single and having no offspring, then a sort of alarm goes off deep inside.
I wouldn't know what I would leave behind to the world. All the worldly possessions and whatever is in my money I could give to charity... perhaps some dear friend would get a treasured item or two. But for the rest, at least so far, I have not left much on this world except the impressions on the lives of people who have come into my life. Perhaps that is my legacy.... I try, and keep on trying, to make people dear in my life feel valued and special, cared for and important. And no where is that more clear in the way I treat my own mother. And I know, or at least I feel, I am capable of doing that to others who have a place in my heart.
The conversation moved onto investments and life policies. Someone said it was not important for gays to have those, especially if we don't have children. More important is to have some kind of disability insurance in case something happens, so that you can at least be independent. Put it crudely, chances are you will be single and there will be no one really to take care of you.
Hearing that make me think and become somewhat apprehensive. Of course that is all speculative and one never knows what will happen... but it may be true, especially being alone and single that it will be harder for me to depend on any kind of safety structure should anything like an illness or disability occur to me. Most people would have families to fall back on, a spouse or children to provide moral and emotional support. But if I am to be single then really I need to think of contingency plans and ways to safeguard my own future.
It all sounds and feels very abstract and premature, I know. But really, when I am reminded of the prospect of being single and having no offspring, then a sort of alarm goes off deep inside.
Realisations
Too gullible, my friend was basically telling me. Too gullible and easily swayed by flattery and a bit of soft words and touching, and my heart weakens. In the long run, do I benefit from it? It's a question that has been put back at me by various people, including myself.
More details were revealed today about events that took place in my absence here which made me realise once again I have my own happiness and well-being in my own hands. Confused as ever how I got myself into a relationship tangle, I am trying to dig my way out. Confused I am about how things suddenly just fell apart from one day to the next. What happened, really, what happened, I find myself asking. But there is no answer.
"Move on..."
"Keep your options open..."
"Play around..."
I have tried. And yet the heart and mind goes back to where it feels comfortable, where it finds security never before found.
Break free.
More details were revealed today about events that took place in my absence here which made me realise once again I have my own happiness and well-being in my own hands. Confused as ever how I got myself into a relationship tangle, I am trying to dig my way out. Confused I am about how things suddenly just fell apart from one day to the next. What happened, really, what happened, I find myself asking. But there is no answer.
"Move on..."
"Keep your options open..."
"Play around..."
I have tried. And yet the heart and mind goes back to where it feels comfortable, where it finds security never before found.
Break free.
25 July 2011
Insensitivities
I came across a piece of news online, about the official opposition leader of Canada being diagnosed with a second cancer. He fought off his (first) prostate cancer, and though weakened, went on to lead his party to a surprising election victory. However, he is now stepping back from politics, if only temporarily, to fight the latest diagnosis.
It wasn't really the news of him stepping back that made me sad. It was reading the comments that some online users left behind that just made me feel so shocked about how people have so little sympathy and can be so wicked when it comes to politics. Though most of the disgusting comments have been deleted (moderated), I felt sick reading some that have not yet been removed.
Of course, there was an enormous outpouring of sympathy and well-wishes, some of which were very moving and personal. But then there are these array of vile, insensitive comments targeting and cursing a man who is already ill with perhaps the worst disease one could possibly imagine. Have these people got not sympathy for the suffering and pain of a fellow human being? Do they even know what it feels like for the patient and the family members to live with cancer and to go through the painfully, painfully testing and long treatments-- and to emerge unsure whether it will all succeed? They can not begin to imagine, cannot even begin to know unless they have experienced it themselves.
Cancer is no laughing matter, and certainly not fodder to fuel political bickering and material to use to add to someone's miseries and suffering, no matter which side of the political divide the person is on.
It wasn't really the news of him stepping back that made me sad. It was reading the comments that some online users left behind that just made me feel so shocked about how people have so little sympathy and can be so wicked when it comes to politics. Though most of the disgusting comments have been deleted (moderated), I felt sick reading some that have not yet been removed.
Of course, there was an enormous outpouring of sympathy and well-wishes, some of which were very moving and personal. But then there are these array of vile, insensitive comments targeting and cursing a man who is already ill with perhaps the worst disease one could possibly imagine. Have these people got not sympathy for the suffering and pain of a fellow human being? Do they even know what it feels like for the patient and the family members to live with cancer and to go through the painfully, painfully testing and long treatments-- and to emerge unsure whether it will all succeed? They can not begin to imagine, cannot even begin to know unless they have experienced it themselves.
Cancer is no laughing matter, and certainly not fodder to fuel political bickering and material to use to add to someone's miseries and suffering, no matter which side of the political divide the person is on.
24 July 2011
The past
It happened over three years ago. But I was reminded of it today while browsing through my email folders. It had escaped me, even though at the time it hurt be deeply, so bad I had to run out of the office and cry on the streets before collecting myself and returning to work.
I had just lost my dad, and returned to work after a month of being away. A friend, and colleague, someone with whom I thought I was close, pulled a terrible prank on me. It was so bad I was silenced and hurt beyond belief. I just ran out of the office.
Most painful of all was the betrayal. I thought there was something between us, a friendship that had developed through our studies and outside thereof. But even something strong can weaken and break down with one episode of poor judgement. After I collected myself, I told him it was cruel and insensitive of him. He apologised profusely and bought me a gift in an attempt to make amends. I accepted his apology. But things were never the same again. And a friendship I thought I found for life waned and eventually disappeared, buried under events, memories and people that came to fill my life since.
The email I received was his apology. He had sent it almost a year after the incident. I must have read it, but never replied to him. He said he sometimes lay awake at night, tormented by what he had done to me, and asked for my forgiveness again. I don't know why I never replied. I was over it. Time, the passage thereof, had healed my hurt, and I had moved on. Thinking back, it is an episode I can talk and write about, and not feel the same degree of pain I had felt back then.
I guess reading (or re-reading rather) his email today made me realise again... hurt, however deep, betrayal, however painful, will subside. And time, time may not always heal all wounds, but time can make you forget the details, the faces, the words that made you so upset and distraught in the first place. And some friends will come and go, just as those moments when you feel like the world is tumbling down, will come and go.
I had just lost my dad, and returned to work after a month of being away. A friend, and colleague, someone with whom I thought I was close, pulled a terrible prank on me. It was so bad I was silenced and hurt beyond belief. I just ran out of the office.
Most painful of all was the betrayal. I thought there was something between us, a friendship that had developed through our studies and outside thereof. But even something strong can weaken and break down with one episode of poor judgement. After I collected myself, I told him it was cruel and insensitive of him. He apologised profusely and bought me a gift in an attempt to make amends. I accepted his apology. But things were never the same again. And a friendship I thought I found for life waned and eventually disappeared, buried under events, memories and people that came to fill my life since.
The email I received was his apology. He had sent it almost a year after the incident. I must have read it, but never replied to him. He said he sometimes lay awake at night, tormented by what he had done to me, and asked for my forgiveness again. I don't know why I never replied. I was over it. Time, the passage thereof, had healed my hurt, and I had moved on. Thinking back, it is an episode I can talk and write about, and not feel the same degree of pain I had felt back then.
I guess reading (or re-reading rather) his email today made me realise again... hurt, however deep, betrayal, however painful, will subside. And time, time may not always heal all wounds, but time can make you forget the details, the faces, the words that made you so upset and distraught in the first place. And some friends will come and go, just as those moments when you feel like the world is tumbling down, will come and go.
22 July 2011
In Europe
While I am here by myself, sweltering in the heat and trying to pick up my thesis work, mum is enjoying life with my brother and sister-in-law, and the cooler climate in Europe. And that is great! It really is.
"He really has changed," mum said, referring to my brother. She has not seen him so happy and put so much effort into something the way he is busy nowadays preparing for the arrival of the baby. Yesterday, they went to the gynecologist, and for the first time, mum heard the baby's heart beat broadcast on speakers. I don't know if they also managed to see echographs of the first baby of my family's next generation. I could hear the happiness and excitement in mum's voice, and that was so very moving.
The way she described how things are there, and how well mum is getting along with brother and my sister-in-law made filled me with such joy I was close to tears (yes, I am for some reason very emotional these days still...).
It is just as I had hoped, and not as I had feared. However much I would like to go there and be with them, deep down I would like them to spend time together. However much I would like to go and enjoy hiking around the forests behind house, or go walking on the beach at sunset with them, I want them to bond, to have and make precious memories together. I have had my many moments with mum, and it is their turn. Mum also needs to have the moments alone with brother (and my sister-in-law) to talk about things that perhaps they would otherwise not do if I were hanging around all the time. For, if anything should happen, the experience of living and being together these coming few weeks will provide mum, brother, and his wife with beautiful moments they can always recall and cherish.
"He really has changed," mum said, referring to my brother. She has not seen him so happy and put so much effort into something the way he is busy nowadays preparing for the arrival of the baby. Yesterday, they went to the gynecologist, and for the first time, mum heard the baby's heart beat broadcast on speakers. I don't know if they also managed to see echographs of the first baby of my family's next generation. I could hear the happiness and excitement in mum's voice, and that was so very moving.
The way she described how things are there, and how well mum is getting along with brother and my sister-in-law made filled me with such joy I was close to tears (yes, I am for some reason very emotional these days still...).
It is just as I had hoped, and not as I had feared. However much I would like to go there and be with them, deep down I would like them to spend time together. However much I would like to go and enjoy hiking around the forests behind house, or go walking on the beach at sunset with them, I want them to bond, to have and make precious memories together. I have had my many moments with mum, and it is their turn. Mum also needs to have the moments alone with brother (and my sister-in-law) to talk about things that perhaps they would otherwise not do if I were hanging around all the time. For, if anything should happen, the experience of living and being together these coming few weeks will provide mum, brother, and his wife with beautiful moments they can always recall and cherish.
21 July 2011
summer storm
Sat on my balcony, and watched the dark clouds brighten and dim like an exciting fireworks display. A summer storm is expected, for it has been simmering, gathering, hoarding the rain and tensions and coolness in dense clouds that slowly, slowly approached the city. A release of all that pent up frustration, all that fury from the oppressive and unbearable heat will be a welcome change.
I began writing, and now I feel the soothing drops of rain splash on my feet, skin and face. The lightning came quietly, without the thunder, and finally, the heat is gradually dissipating as the rain cools the earth an the night. The rain is not as heavy as anticipated, the release perhaps not as orgasmic as imagined. Or, perhaps, the dripping wet rain is waiting for its passion to brew and ripen?
After the wet release, there follows a gentle calm, a clean fresh start from the delirious heat of day.
I hope to sleep better tonight...
I began writing, and now I feel the soothing drops of rain splash on my feet, skin and face. The lightning came quietly, without the thunder, and finally, the heat is gradually dissipating as the rain cools the earth an the night. The rain is not as heavy as anticipated, the release perhaps not as orgasmic as imagined. Or, perhaps, the dripping wet rain is waiting for its passion to brew and ripen?
After the wet release, there follows a gentle calm, a clean fresh start from the delirious heat of day.
I hope to sleep better tonight...
20 July 2011
18 July 2011
war museum
Visiting the Canadian War Museum, seeing images of mangled bodies and souls, staring in the eyes of forlorn victims, of soldiers longing for loved ones, of relatives waiting and praying, you realise what true loss means.
War, conflict, skirmish... They mean the same, just words that try to capture and water down the magnitude of agony and suffering, destruction and despair, madness and chaos, senselessness and the human ingenuity to inflict an unleash pain on others, and the environment all around.
War, conflict, skirmish... They mean the same, just words that try to capture and water down the magnitude of agony and suffering, destruction and despair, madness and chaos, senselessness and the human ingenuity to inflict an unleash pain on others, and the environment all around.
Change
A friend came over tonight, and we chatted and caught up on one another's lives over the past two months.
I unloaded what has been on my mind a lot... the constant struggle trying to reconcile events that have been unfolding in my life. "Change," my friend told me, "Sometimes it is best to make changes to your life." Change your perspective on things, do new things, meet new friends and leave the past behind. Dwelling on things will not help, for I have so much to live for, I have so much potential. And my duty is to my own happiness, to my own wellbeing, which I often neglect in my willingness to be there and offer myself to others.
Focus on the big picture, on the long term perspective, on the happy things in life that are unfolding. Change, for the better.
I unloaded what has been on my mind a lot... the constant struggle trying to reconcile events that have been unfolding in my life. "Change," my friend told me, "Sometimes it is best to make changes to your life." Change your perspective on things, do new things, meet new friends and leave the past behind. Dwelling on things will not help, for I have so much to live for, I have so much potential. And my duty is to my own happiness, to my own wellbeing, which I often neglect in my willingness to be there and offer myself to others.
Focus on the big picture, on the long term perspective, on the happy things in life that are unfolding. Change, for the better.
17 July 2011
illusions
It told me to imagine, for imagination is reality, is what is beautiful. This world, the reality of it is but an illusion, ere changing, ever dying. But imagination cannot die, it lives on in dreams, fantasies and as long as the mind is open...
"If you want to be with what you're magnetizing, you have to put yourself in the picture..." ('Illusions', R. Bach)
I closed my eyes, let the evening breeze mingled with the scene of green grass and a sun-beaten lake, wash over...
I imagine lying on the grass with my eyes closed. I imagine I am not alone, but in the warm embrace of another. A beautiful person, soft and warm hearted, caring and understanding, lying next to me. No complications, no conditions, no expectations. Just being, just being together and savoring the moment together, just savoring life together.
I imagine the grass field, a little damp from the morning dew, his body, skin to skin, next to me. I imagine our eyes are closed, but our hearts are open to one another. No secrets, no things unsaid, no feelings unclear.
I imagine the breeze blowing over our bodies, covering us in a gentle blanket of air. I imagine that we can lie together in that position, that we can always somehow find ourselves in a similar position under different circumstances, at different points in our shared lives, and never ever tire of one another.
That is my imagination.
And that is reality.
"If you want to be with what you're magnetizing, you have to put yourself in the picture..." ('Illusions', R. Bach)
I closed my eyes, let the evening breeze mingled with the scene of green grass and a sun-beaten lake, wash over...
I imagine lying on the grass with my eyes closed. I imagine I am not alone, but in the warm embrace of another. A beautiful person, soft and warm hearted, caring and understanding, lying next to me. No complications, no conditions, no expectations. Just being, just being together and savoring the moment together, just savoring life together.
I imagine the grass field, a little damp from the morning dew, his body, skin to skin, next to me. I imagine our eyes are closed, but our hearts are open to one another. No secrets, no things unsaid, no feelings unclear.
I imagine the breeze blowing over our bodies, covering us in a gentle blanket of air. I imagine that we can lie together in that position, that we can always somehow find ourselves in a similar position under different circumstances, at different points in our shared lives, and never ever tire of one another.
That is my imagination.
And that is reality.
Baby's room
Through skype they showed me the baby's room. Beautifully painted in a light brownish shade, with shapes of stars and planets as decor on the wall face. There is a set of white furniture my brother spent two days assembling, and in the closet, already half filled with clothes that mum just both grandmas are fighting to buy for the baby. How lucky the baby is, and he is not even born yet!
In the corner of the room was a blue doll. I couldnt recognize it at first, then upon closer look, I saw it was a handmade rabbit doll I bought for the babu in Halifax two weeks ago. I could not contain my smile seeing all the cute little toys, the Miffy dolls, the stroller, the stacks of nappies. And I could see mum wad really getting very excited too, which is a big plus for her general wellbeing and health.
Tomorrow is the official wedding day, but shame I cannot be there with them to celebrate. Buy I have already sent them my best wishes, and gifts, and tomorrow I will think of them, and miss them dearly...
In the corner of the room was a blue doll. I couldnt recognize it at first, then upon closer look, I saw it was a handmade rabbit doll I bought for the babu in Halifax two weeks ago. I could not contain my smile seeing all the cute little toys, the Miffy dolls, the stroller, the stacks of nappies. And I could see mum wad really getting very excited too, which is a big plus for her general wellbeing and health.
Tomorrow is the official wedding day, but shame I cannot be there with them to celebrate. Buy I have already sent them my best wishes, and gifts, and tomorrow I will think of them, and miss them dearly...
dream
Had such a rough night, lying in bed with so many thoughts in my head. There were so many things i wanted to say out loud to someone, but i could not, just cannot, at least not at this moment. It was getting brighter and burghers by the time I lost consciousness.
I slept badly, and a dream woke me up. I felt like I was late for something, to catch a train I think (tomorrow I need to wake up early to do just that). But in the dream I overslept and by the time I woke up, I had already missed my train, and missed the time I needed to be there for an appointment.
Then in my dream, as I sat there on my bed realising I had missed my train, my thought suddenly turned to mum in the next room. I quickly ran to her room, for she had a plane to catch, and at that she already missed it by two days. How could I completely forget about her flight, I found myself scolding myself in the dream. I entered her room, and indeed she was still sleeping, and just waking up when I walked in. She looked distraught.
I woke up from my, and was so powerfully overwhelmed by a deep deep realisation... Mum is not there any more. I started to moan out loud from the pain of realisation, and I cried, even there were no tears coming out...
I slept badly, and a dream woke me up. I felt like I was late for something, to catch a train I think (tomorrow I need to wake up early to do just that). But in the dream I overslept and by the time I woke up, I had already missed my train, and missed the time I needed to be there for an appointment.
Then in my dream, as I sat there on my bed realising I had missed my train, my thought suddenly turned to mum in the next room. I quickly ran to her room, for she had a plane to catch, and at that she already missed it by two days. How could I completely forget about her flight, I found myself scolding myself in the dream. I entered her room, and indeed she was still sleeping, and just waking up when I walked in. She looked distraught.
I woke up from my, and was so powerfully overwhelmed by a deep deep realisation... Mum is not there any more. I started to moan out loud from the pain of realisation, and I cried, even there were no tears coming out...
One night
A lot can happen in one night. Many unexpected things and people you may encounter that can change the way you think about yourself, about your life and experiences.
A lot can happen in one night. Minds are cleared, at least for the short while they are open and aired, decisions are made, at least for that moment when there is clarity and certainty.
It takes only one night, or just one split second, and things can change forever.
A lot can happen in one night. Minds are cleared, at least for the short while they are open and aired, decisions are made, at least for that moment when there is clarity and certainty.
It takes only one night, or just one split second, and things can change forever.
16 July 2011
Picking up
I slept early, and by the time I got up it was half past six in the morning. My eyes were tired, and my head still reeling from dreams and images, some very difficult to remember, difficult to let go of. Two goodbyes in a week. It is hard for anyone.
Mum arrived safely in Europe, and is now with my brother. I got up, but found it hard to pry myself out of bed, despite the gorgeous weather. The cat was still asleep, I walked into the bedroom mum slept in, and it was empty. A few packets of her medicine had been left behind on the table. A travel guidebook lay next to the pillow she slept on. I had gotten used to seeing her on the bed in the morning, and now she is gone.
I had wanted to clean the house, but was lost where to start. I was even lost what to eat, for when mum was around, I would prepare lots of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods to make sure she eats well. But not that she is not around, I seem to have lost appetite.
In a way, I am afraid of shifting through the pieces of paper and receipts, the brochures, and finally sorting out the suitcases I had put away since we got back to Montreal three weeks ago. There have been many memories, many beautiful ones, but also difficult and testing ones. Not just of my time with mum, but also of events before that, before I left here. I have been away from my life for two months, and it is hard to pick up the pieces and try to put everything back together again.
But I need to, I need to for myself. I need to pick up the pieces of my life where I left off abruptly back in May, and start to rebuild my life. Clean out the clutter, remove the lingering sadness and memories, and start life fresh, determined to be happy and at ease with being alone.
Mum arrived safely in Europe, and is now with my brother. I got up, but found it hard to pry myself out of bed, despite the gorgeous weather. The cat was still asleep, I walked into the bedroom mum slept in, and it was empty. A few packets of her medicine had been left behind on the table. A travel guidebook lay next to the pillow she slept on. I had gotten used to seeing her on the bed in the morning, and now she is gone.
I had wanted to clean the house, but was lost where to start. I was even lost what to eat, for when mum was around, I would prepare lots of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods to make sure she eats well. But not that she is not around, I seem to have lost appetite.
In a way, I am afraid of shifting through the pieces of paper and receipts, the brochures, and finally sorting out the suitcases I had put away since we got back to Montreal three weeks ago. There have been many memories, many beautiful ones, but also difficult and testing ones. Not just of my time with mum, but also of events before that, before I left here. I have been away from my life for two months, and it is hard to pick up the pieces and try to put everything back together again.
But I need to, I need to for myself. I need to pick up the pieces of my life where I left off abruptly back in May, and start to rebuild my life. Clean out the clutter, remove the lingering sadness and memories, and start life fresh, determined to be happy and at ease with being alone.
Chaque chose en son temps
Everything in its own time...
Now you have other things to worry and think about. Now is not the time to be weak and to wander around clinging onto the past.
Move on. Live, play, laugh and forget.
Now you have other things to worry and think about. Now is not the time to be weak and to wander around clinging onto the past.
Move on. Live, play, laugh and forget.
15 July 2011
crying...
Mum's plane flew over my head. I knew it was her plane, it was the same airline, the same 777 widebody, and I've been checking the airport departure information, and it was around twenty minutes after the plane left the gate at 17.56hrs.
I don't know why it was so much harder seeing that plane fly over me, climb higher and higher and fly quicker and quicker abd further and further away... I could not control my tears. Seeing that plane, knowing mum is on board that very plane and really leaving, not knowing when I will see her again, was so difficult to digest. I felt my heart waver, and huge tears just plopped down on the park picnic table I was sitting on.
I have been through so many farewells at airports growing up. At one point I stopped crying. I thought I had grown up and that the tears have dried, or that I've stopped caring so much.
But somehow I started crying when that plane fly over me and disappeared into the vast blue, blue sky... Somehow, I feel so lonely inside and am crying still...
I don't know why it was so much harder seeing that plane fly over me, climb higher and higher and fly quicker and quicker abd further and further away... I could not control my tears. Seeing that plane, knowing mum is on board that very plane and really leaving, not knowing when I will see her again, was so difficult to digest. I felt my heart waver, and huge tears just plopped down on the park picnic table I was sitting on.
I have been through so many farewells at airports growing up. At one point I stopped crying. I thought I had grown up and that the tears have dried, or that I've stopped caring so much.
But somehow I started crying when that plane fly over me and disappeared into the vast blue, blue sky... Somehow, I feel so lonely inside and am crying still...
bidding farewell
I waved and waved again till she turned the corner. And so suddenly mum was gone. The smile that was there disappeared almost as soon as mum disappeared from sight.
Second time i have had to say farewell to a dear one in my life in a week. Walking in the terminal building, alone in a crowded corridor, I began to fill so empty inside, whereas my eyes were unexpectedly filling with tears. Where did this sudden sadness come from...?
I decided not to go home straight away, but to go plane spotting. At the place where exactly a week ago, with my friend, I saw the same plane that mum will be on take off, circle around and make its way to Europe...
I hope to catch a last glimpse of mum...
Second time i have had to say farewell to a dear one in my life in a week. Walking in the terminal building, alone in a crowded corridor, I began to fill so empty inside, whereas my eyes were unexpectedly filling with tears. Where did this sudden sadness come from...?
I decided not to go home straight away, but to go plane spotting. At the place where exactly a week ago, with my friend, I saw the same plane that mum will be on take off, circle around and make its way to Europe...
I hope to catch a last glimpse of mum...
Day before departure
Strolling down the street, I could overhear mum talking to a friend's mum behind me, saying how special I am, and how proud she is of me. I caught just words here and there, not that I was eavesdropping, but just within earshot. I walked on quicker so that the words became just garbled sounds I could not decipher.
It the night before mum's departure from Canada, her suitcase is not yet packed, but we have the day tomorrow to do just that. This time tomorrow, I will be sitting here alone by myself. Mum will have been long gone and far away over the Atlantic. All that will remain is her scent on the bed I offered her to sleep on...
I think she will miss Canada, a place she has been growing more fond of with every passing day. Most of all, I think she will miss me, and the little things that I have tried to do for her to make her feel at ease and comfortable. She tells me, and has told me many times, she sees and appreciates all the little things... constantly asking if she is hungry or thirsty, being concerned if the sores in her arms have returned, worried if she sleeps well at night, wondering whether she is feeling happy and enjoying herself... It is how I show my love and affection, and (despite the occasional grumpiness and impatience) there is much I can give when I can. She knows it. She feels it.
She was telling my friend's mum how special I have been, even as a child. I did not feel proud or full of myself hearing that. I just felt touched, very touched that my attempts to make mum feel loved and cared for have not gone unnoticed. All the little things I do, they are what I know to do best. They are the little gestures and intentions that replace the "I love you, mum", which I've always found difficult in saying out loud. Just now, I wrote to my brother, hoping that they can spend some precious, quality time together, and reminding him how lucky we are to have our mother to hold and to cherish.
Little does mum, who is lying next door and fast asleep, know that I have another little surprise for her before she leaves...
It the night before mum's departure from Canada, her suitcase is not yet packed, but we have the day tomorrow to do just that. This time tomorrow, I will be sitting here alone by myself. Mum will have been long gone and far away over the Atlantic. All that will remain is her scent on the bed I offered her to sleep on...
I think she will miss Canada, a place she has been growing more fond of with every passing day. Most of all, I think she will miss me, and the little things that I have tried to do for her to make her feel at ease and comfortable. She tells me, and has told me many times, she sees and appreciates all the little things... constantly asking if she is hungry or thirsty, being concerned if the sores in her arms have returned, worried if she sleeps well at night, wondering whether she is feeling happy and enjoying herself... It is how I show my love and affection, and (despite the occasional grumpiness and impatience) there is much I can give when I can. She knows it. She feels it.
She was telling my friend's mum how special I have been, even as a child. I did not feel proud or full of myself hearing that. I just felt touched, very touched that my attempts to make mum feel loved and cared for have not gone unnoticed. All the little things I do, they are what I know to do best. They are the little gestures and intentions that replace the "I love you, mum", which I've always found difficult in saying out loud. Just now, I wrote to my brother, hoping that they can spend some precious, quality time together, and reminding him how lucky we are to have our mother to hold and to cherish.
Little does mum, who is lying next door and fast asleep, know that I have another little surprise for her before she leaves...
12 July 2011
Gone whaling
Our Zodiac circulated the waters around where the Fjord of Saguenay met the mighty St Laurent River and the inflowing currents of the Atlantic Ocean. It is here that every year from May to October, whales congregate to feed on the abundance of plankton and shrimps that get trapped in deep cavern-like terrain under the sea. A whale could easily feed on 4 tonnes of plankton, shrimps and fish a day, feeding up to twenty hours, for four, five months before they move on.
At least half a dozen whales I caught glimpses off. Often, it would be the captain or another fellow passenger who would shout and point out in a certain direction after attentively scouring the surface of the sea to and suddenly seeing water vapour blowing into the air. All eyes would then turn that way, sometimes only to see a tiny bit of the whale's body surface. Sometimes it's a dorsal fin, but most often just the smooth back of the majestic creatures. Rarely, if you are lucky, you get to see the entire tail surface and then quickly disappear.
As whales can stay submerged for up to twenty minutes or so before needing to breathe, it is a game of waiting and being lucky in looking in the right direction at the right moment. It could surface a few hundred metres away, and the next time it could surface even further away or perhaps just dozens of metres off of the boat. At times I wondered whether the whales knew what we were trying to do, and were toying with us by playing a clever game of hide and seek. How little and humbled I felt being so close to such a large, yet graceful and gentle creature of nature.Fog set in, and soon we were surrounded and blinded. The trained captain with thirty years of experience under his cap sped in a direction where he knew whales are likely to appear. We all began to get drenched from the sudden downpour, and the sea wind felt bitterly cold. But even circling the seas seemingly senselessly and directionlessly, it was all worth it for just another glimpse, another close encounter with Earth's largest and one of the most intelligent mammals.
Wandering thoughts
Surrounded by all this beauty, all this nature... I am so far from everything, and yet my mind keeps on making circles and dwelling on the same thoughts.
Love, loss, regrets, frustrations, dreams and imaginations of having stability and a beautiful home, fears of what to do next and what changes will influence my life in the coming months...
Surrounded by all this beauty, seeing all that the world has to offer in its naturalness, in its rawness, and yet my mind is elsewhere. Anywhere but here.
Love, loss, regrets, frustrations, dreams and imaginations of having stability and a beautiful home, fears of what to do next and what changes will influence my life in the coming months...
Surrounded by all this beauty, seeing all that the world has to offer in its naturalness, in its rawness, and yet my mind is elsewhere. Anywhere but here.
11 July 2011
in Quebec City
A light shower dampens the hot summers day, and brings in the cool evening breeze. Sitting on the ferry ghat crosses the mighty St Laurent and offers a magnificent view of the Old Town of Quebec, with Chateau Frontenac towering over the river.
It is a calming sight. An ancient city that reminds me so much of medieval Europe, with it's narrow crowded streets, little houses, cafes and bistros, and cobblestones. I feel like I'm back in time, back to places I have been to as a child and that have often filled me with a fascination and awe of the past. Beautiful ornate church spires, artisan workshops (now gift shops selling local arts and crafts), green squares with flowing fountains and wishing wells.
I walked the streets by myself after dinner, as mum has already retired to our room. It's my quiet time alone, which I enjoy thoroughly, for it gives me the chance to look back at the day and reflect a little. The city puts on a romantic glow at night, especially as the deserted streets carry a quiet calm that contrasts much with the hordes of tourists during the day. That romantic feeling is especially strong when I close my eyes and imagine being able to share the sights and sounds with another.
We walked around the Old Town a bit after arriving close to noon. The weather turned and it began to storm, so we spent a good deal of the afternoon lounging in bed and enjoying the pool. For lunch and dinner I took mum to restaurants serving local delicacies- duck, pheasant, bison and the like. All part of the rich experience I would like mum to have in these last few days in Canada.
She has little idea how much effort (and yes, money) I'm spending to give her the full experience. But that's not really important if I can see that she is smiling contently when she falls asleep after a long, full day.
And today, again, she said she is really beginning to like Canada, which made me feel so happy inside.
It is a calming sight. An ancient city that reminds me so much of medieval Europe, with it's narrow crowded streets, little houses, cafes and bistros, and cobblestones. I feel like I'm back in time, back to places I have been to as a child and that have often filled me with a fascination and awe of the past. Beautiful ornate church spires, artisan workshops (now gift shops selling local arts and crafts), green squares with flowing fountains and wishing wells.
I walked the streets by myself after dinner, as mum has already retired to our room. It's my quiet time alone, which I enjoy thoroughly, for it gives me the chance to look back at the day and reflect a little. The city puts on a romantic glow at night, especially as the deserted streets carry a quiet calm that contrasts much with the hordes of tourists during the day. That romantic feeling is especially strong when I close my eyes and imagine being able to share the sights and sounds with another.
We walked around the Old Town a bit after arriving close to noon. The weather turned and it began to storm, so we spent a good deal of the afternoon lounging in bed and enjoying the pool. For lunch and dinner I took mum to restaurants serving local delicacies- duck, pheasant, bison and the like. All part of the rich experience I would like mum to have in these last few days in Canada.
She has little idea how much effort (and yes, money) I'm spending to give her the full experience. But that's not really important if I can see that she is smiling contently when she falls asleep after a long, full day.
And today, again, she said she is really beginning to like Canada, which made me feel so happy inside.
10 July 2011
Plans
We all need to make plans. It gives our lives some kind of order. It gives us something to work toward. It gives us hope that we can achieve something when we set our minds and hearts to it. And for mum, I think plans will be important to make sure she lives a fulfilling and happy life.
Mum and I were talking today. Ever since her retirement, she has been in and out of hospital until a month ago. It is a month to the day that she embarked on her long awaited trip. Time really has flown by, and we are already in the last week of her stay here in Canada. Off to the Netherlands next, where she will stay for some time, how long exactly is yet unknown.
...but what about after that? I said I really hope she can think about what she would like to do. What about moving here for a little while, I asked. Despite the turbulent first week here (especially because of our arguments), she has been telling me that she is beginning to enjoy life here more as she gets to know the neighbourhood and the city. Of course there are details to be worked out, and I don't think I could live with her for a long time under one roof (which she understands and accepts), but it would be nice if she could be closer by, at least for some period of time. It would really save me the hassle and interruptions of having to travel to see her so often.
But then again, staying in Canada will be somewhat more complicated, for not even I have any status here (yet?). So I said perhaps she can consider going back to live in Europe, at least for a short stay every year. She wouldn't want to live with my brother and his new family, but it would be feasible to have a little place close by where they live, so they can check up on her once or twice a week. With the new baby reporting in soon, I said it would be wonderful for her to be surrounded by her first grandchild, and that it would give her lots of joy seeing and being with a baby.
She will consider these options, and of course, they are just ideas. A lot of things and plans depend on her health condition, and whether her tumour will spread or not. But I told her again and again, it would do her good to get out of the apartment she lives in in Taiwan, to get away from the crowds of people, from the polluted and noisy city life, and, at least for some time during the year, go live somewhere peaceful. It will do her health and her mind much good, and it would also put my mind more at ease.
In a way, I am telling her all this, and hoping mum would make plans for her future because I genuinely wish she could find stability and happiness in her later life. She has the means, the freedom to travel and go wherever she wishes, so why not take advantage of that, and live, and most importantly live happily?
In another way, perhaps for selfish reasons, I hope she can be settled down in a comfortable and good environment so I can be more reassured and not to have to worry so much. The selfish reason being that really, after all this flying back and forth, after a lot of delays to my studies and future plans, I would so much like to get a start. Spending time with her is pleasant, but it can be tiring and at the end of the day, when compared to my friends and classmates who seem so advanced in their lives and careers, I feel sometimes useless and somewhat ashamed of what I am doing (or not doing...)
We can make plans, we can imagine what wonder things can happen when plans come together. But in the end, the whatever will be will be.
Mum and I were talking today. Ever since her retirement, she has been in and out of hospital until a month ago. It is a month to the day that she embarked on her long awaited trip. Time really has flown by, and we are already in the last week of her stay here in Canada. Off to the Netherlands next, where she will stay for some time, how long exactly is yet unknown.
...but what about after that? I said I really hope she can think about what she would like to do. What about moving here for a little while, I asked. Despite the turbulent first week here (especially because of our arguments), she has been telling me that she is beginning to enjoy life here more as she gets to know the neighbourhood and the city. Of course there are details to be worked out, and I don't think I could live with her for a long time under one roof (which she understands and accepts), but it would be nice if she could be closer by, at least for some period of time. It would really save me the hassle and interruptions of having to travel to see her so often.
But then again, staying in Canada will be somewhat more complicated, for not even I have any status here (yet?). So I said perhaps she can consider going back to live in Europe, at least for a short stay every year. She wouldn't want to live with my brother and his new family, but it would be feasible to have a little place close by where they live, so they can check up on her once or twice a week. With the new baby reporting in soon, I said it would be wonderful for her to be surrounded by her first grandchild, and that it would give her lots of joy seeing and being with a baby.
She will consider these options, and of course, they are just ideas. A lot of things and plans depend on her health condition, and whether her tumour will spread or not. But I told her again and again, it would do her good to get out of the apartment she lives in in Taiwan, to get away from the crowds of people, from the polluted and noisy city life, and, at least for some time during the year, go live somewhere peaceful. It will do her health and her mind much good, and it would also put my mind more at ease.
In a way, I am telling her all this, and hoping mum would make plans for her future because I genuinely wish she could find stability and happiness in her later life. She has the means, the freedom to travel and go wherever she wishes, so why not take advantage of that, and live, and most importantly live happily?
In another way, perhaps for selfish reasons, I hope she can be settled down in a comfortable and good environment so I can be more reassured and not to have to worry so much. The selfish reason being that really, after all this flying back and forth, after a lot of delays to my studies and future plans, I would so much like to get a start. Spending time with her is pleasant, but it can be tiring and at the end of the day, when compared to my friends and classmates who seem so advanced in their lives and careers, I feel sometimes useless and somewhat ashamed of what I am doing (or not doing...)
We can make plans, we can imagine what wonder things can happen when plans come together. But in the end, the whatever will be will be.
Friend's comment
"I'm so happy your mum made it," he said, "She looks well and peaceful."
It was at that moment that I realised what a journey it has been.
Crossing the Pacific, the Rockies, crossing Canada to get to the place where I call home. There have been ups and downs, for sure. There have been such testing, such difficult moments that threw me (and mum) into despair and fear, but we overcome them.
And we made it in the end. Mum is happy, now at this very moment. Happy. And nothing can take away that happiness.
Happiness that is infectious, that can cure and heal. Happiness that I hope will last and be remembered forever and forever.
It was at that moment that I realised what a journey it has been.
And we made it in the end. Mum is happy, now at this very moment. Happy. And nothing can take away that happiness.
Happiness that is infectious, that can cure and heal. Happiness that I hope will last and be remembered forever and forever.
farewell
The guy hugged his partner tightly , unwilling to let go. it was obvious there were tears in his reddened eyes. They kissed one another on the cheeks, once, twice, three times, four times, hard to let go as they hands explored one another's bodies. It was a bright, beautiful morning, yet two people before me were saddened by their imminent separation.
What the circumstances of their separation are, how long they have known one another, or even the true nature of their relationship, I will never know. But from their body language, from the way they kept waving to one another as the second man boarded the same bus I was on, it was obvious their love, their affection for one another was deep.
Why was the one crying, I will never know. Out of longing or loss? out of that emptiness that is beginning to grow when the other person is slowly getting further and further away? The true reasons only they know. It is like their little secret, something special that ties them together, and no stranger or onlooker can ever hope to understand or appreciate.
I saw my friend off, just as he saw me off some two months ago as I headed home. Some intense last minute packaging and cleaning, and too few hours of sleep has overwhelmed me. We fell asleep next to one another, naked. I don't remember if our skins was in contact with one another throughout the night, but morning came all too hurriedly, and all too quickly. Now I feel like a zombie longing for some good rest.
What is on your mind, he kept on asking me as we headed to the airport. I'm not really sure. There was something, but I'm not sure how to put it all together in a coherent thought or sentence, especially not after too little sleep, and before a farewell.
We said goodbye and hugged one another, again and again. I kissed him on the forehead and the cheeks, he gave me a little ear nibble. No lips this time, for it would be too weird and uncomfortable, perhaps. No tears, no sense of longing or missing, at least not yet.
Was I subdued, as he put it? Subdued due to the fatigue, or by something else? I'm not sure. He'll only be away be two weeks or so, and it'll be a good time to collect myself, clean up my life after all the comings and goings of the last two months. I look forward to time apart, to have my own space and time to breathe and meditate. Time figure out things in my mind, and move forward.
My friend passed through security, and I watched from a distance. What did I feel at that moment, besides being tired? I saw him get him bag after passing through the metal detector. He dis not look back, though I hoped he would, to turn back and wave, or smile. But he walked away, turned a corner and disappeared into the crowd. I lost him. And he lost me.
I have seen many people in my life through the same obscure angle at an airport as they gradually leave. Next week, when mum leaves, it will be another departure from my life.
Life, so often filled with people, sounds, obligations and emotions, quietens down once in a while. And it is at these moments that you realise, however beautiful the shared moments are together with another person, in the end you go through life alone, and must find peace with that.
What the circumstances of their separation are, how long they have known one another, or even the true nature of their relationship, I will never know. But from their body language, from the way they kept waving to one another as the second man boarded the same bus I was on, it was obvious their love, their affection for one another was deep.
Why was the one crying, I will never know. Out of longing or loss? out of that emptiness that is beginning to grow when the other person is slowly getting further and further away? The true reasons only they know. It is like their little secret, something special that ties them together, and no stranger or onlooker can ever hope to understand or appreciate.
I saw my friend off, just as he saw me off some two months ago as I headed home. Some intense last minute packaging and cleaning, and too few hours of sleep has overwhelmed me. We fell asleep next to one another, naked. I don't remember if our skins was in contact with one another throughout the night, but morning came all too hurriedly, and all too quickly. Now I feel like a zombie longing for some good rest.
What is on your mind, he kept on asking me as we headed to the airport. I'm not really sure. There was something, but I'm not sure how to put it all together in a coherent thought or sentence, especially not after too little sleep, and before a farewell.
We said goodbye and hugged one another, again and again. I kissed him on the forehead and the cheeks, he gave me a little ear nibble. No lips this time, for it would be too weird and uncomfortable, perhaps. No tears, no sense of longing or missing, at least not yet.
Was I subdued, as he put it? Subdued due to the fatigue, or by something else? I'm not sure. He'll only be away be two weeks or so, and it'll be a good time to collect myself, clean up my life after all the comings and goings of the last two months. I look forward to time apart, to have my own space and time to breathe and meditate. Time figure out things in my mind, and move forward.
My friend passed through security, and I watched from a distance. What did I feel at that moment, besides being tired? I saw him get him bag after passing through the metal detector. He dis not look back, though I hoped he would, to turn back and wave, or smile. But he walked away, turned a corner and disappeared into the crowd. I lost him. And he lost me.
I have seen many people in my life through the same obscure angle at an airport as they gradually leave. Next week, when mum leaves, it will be another departure from my life.
Life, so often filled with people, sounds, obligations and emotions, quietens down once in a while. And it is at these moments that you realise, however beautiful the shared moments are together with another person, in the end you go through life alone, and must find peace with that.
09 July 2011
hugs
It's so beautiful to lie next to someone, especially someone you care a lot about.
Just lie there, perhaps arms over one another in a locked face-to-face hug as you feel the other person's breath on your cheeks, as you stroke softly the soft skin of the other person's naked body.
There's something so magical, so miraculous, so heart melting to be in the arms of another. I love it when I am behind someone in a spooning position, our bodies licked tightly together with as much skin contact as possible. I love it too when the other person is behind me, the crotch filling the nape of my buttocks, the legs intertwined, the person's arms locking together around my upper torso.
There is such a beautiful connection there, a connection like no other at that moment in time, at that place. Just two people lying together, blessed by the warmth of one another's touch and caress, fortunate enough to find in this vast, and oftentimes lonely, world another to hold, to cherish and to live and care for.
In that moment, all the world's troubles and noises seem to cease, all the whispering voices and nagging thoughts seem to be silenced. There is only the two beating hearts of two people beating ever faster, pushed on by the magical intimacy and contact that is being enjoyed. Questions of what is right or wrong seem irrelevant.
There is no past arguments, no future uncertainties or fears. Just this moment of two people lying next to one another and drowning perhaps the greatest and simplest pleasure this world has to offer.
It is so beautiful, hugging with another.
Fuss
I don't know why I seem to cause so much fuss about nothing. Why do I have to create trouble when there is none? I did it this morning with my mum, caused her some grief when I was distressed about some official business I needed to take care of. And I did it again this afternoon, ruining a perfectly beautiful bike ride together with my friend when I brought up how I felt some what uncomfortable about going on a trip together with him.
Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest.
Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest.
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