In Europe

While I am here by myself, sweltering in the heat and trying to pick up my thesis work, mum is enjoying life with my brother and sister-in-law, and the cooler climate in Europe. And that is great! It really is.

"He really has changed," mum said, referring to my brother. She has not seen him so happy and put so much effort into something the way he is busy nowadays preparing for the arrival of the baby. Yesterday, they went to the gynecologist, and for the first time, mum heard the baby's heart beat broadcast on speakers. I don't know if they also managed to see echographs of the first baby of my family's next generation. I could hear the happiness and excitement in mum's voice, and that was so very moving.

The way she described how things are there, and how well mum is getting along with brother and my sister-in-law made filled me with such joy I was close to tears (yes, I am for some reason very emotional these days still...).

It is just as I had hoped, and not as I had feared. However much I would like to go there and be with them, deep down I would like them to spend time together. However much I would like to go and enjoy hiking around the forests behind house, or go walking on the beach at sunset with them, I want them to bond, to have and make precious memories together. I have had my many moments with mum, and it is their turn. Mum also needs to have the moments alone with brother (and my sister-in-law) to talk about things that perhaps they would otherwise not do if I were hanging around all the time. For, if anything should happen, the experience of living and being together these coming few weeks will provide mum, brother, and his wife with beautiful moments they can always recall and cherish.

summer storm

Sat on my balcony, and watched the dark clouds brighten and dim like an exciting fireworks display. A summer storm is expected, for it has been simmering, gathering, hoarding the rain and tensions and coolness in dense clouds that slowly, slowly approached the city. A release of all that pent up frustration, all that fury from the oppressive and unbearable heat will be a welcome change.

I began writing, and now I feel the soothing drops of rain splash on my feet, skin and face. The lightning came quietly, without the thunder, and finally, the heat is gradually dissipating as the rain cools the earth an the night. The rain is not as heavy as anticipated, the release perhaps not as orgasmic as imagined. Or, perhaps, the dripping wet rain is waiting for its passion to brew and ripen?

After the wet release, there follows a gentle calm, a clean fresh start from the delirious heat of day.

I hope to sleep better tonight...

Don't worry...

"Don't worry, be happy..."

That was all he said. And that was all he needed to say.

war museum

Visiting the Canadian War Museum, seeing images of mangled bodies and souls, staring in the eyes of forlorn victims, of soldiers longing for loved ones, of relatives waiting and praying, you realise what true loss means.

War, conflict, skirmish... They mean the same, just words that try to capture and water down the magnitude of agony and suffering, destruction and despair, madness and chaos, senselessness and the human ingenuity to inflict an unleash pain on others, and the environment all around.

Change

A friend came over tonight, and we chatted and caught up on one another's lives over the past two months.

I unloaded what has been on my mind a lot... the constant struggle trying to reconcile events that have been unfolding in my life. "Change," my friend told me, "Sometimes it is best to make changes to your life." Change your perspective on things, do new things, meet new friends and leave the past behind. Dwelling on things will not help, for I have so much to live for, I have so much potential. And my duty is to my own happiness, to my own wellbeing, which I often neglect in my willingness to be there and offer myself to others.

Focus on the big picture, on the long term perspective, on the happy things in life that are unfolding. Change, for the better.

illusions

It told me to imagine, for imagination is reality, is what is beautiful. This world, the reality of it is but an illusion, ere changing, ever dying. But imagination cannot die, it lives on in dreams, fantasies and as long as the mind is open...

"If you want to be with what you're magnetizing, you have to put yourself in the picture..." ('Illusions', R. Bach)

I closed my eyes, let the evening breeze mingled with the scene of green grass and a sun-beaten lake, wash over...

I imagine lying on the grass with my eyes closed. I imagine I am not alone, but in the warm embrace of another. A beautiful person, soft and warm hearted, caring and understanding, lying next to me. No complications, no conditions, no expectations. Just being, just being together and savoring the moment together, just savoring life together.

I imagine the grass field, a little damp from the morning dew, his body, skin to skin, next to me. I imagine our eyes are closed, but our hearts are open to one another. No secrets, no things unsaid, no feelings unclear.

I imagine the breeze blowing over our bodies, covering us in a gentle blanket of air. I imagine that we can lie together in that position, that we can always somehow find ourselves in a similar position under different circumstances, at different points in our shared lives, and never ever tire of one another.

That is my imagination.

And that is reality.

Baby's room

Through skype they showed me the baby's room. Beautifully painted in a light brownish shade, with shapes of stars and planets as decor on the wall face. There is a set of white furniture my brother spent two days assembling, and in the closet, already half filled with clothes that mum just both grandmas are fighting to buy for the baby. How lucky the baby is, and he is not even born yet!

In the corner of the room was a blue doll. I couldnt recognize it at first, then upon closer look, I saw it was a handmade rabbit doll I bought for the babu in Halifax two weeks ago. I could not contain my smile seeing all the cute little toys, the Miffy dolls, the stroller, the stacks of nappies. And I could see mum wad really getting very excited too, which is a big plus for her general wellbeing and health.

Tomorrow is the official wedding day, but shame I cannot be there with them to celebrate. Buy I have already sent them my best wishes, and gifts, and tomorrow I will think of them, and miss them dearly...

dream

Had such a rough night, lying in bed with so many thoughts in my head. There were so many things i wanted to say out loud to someone, but i could not, just cannot, at least not at this moment. It was getting brighter and burghers by the time I lost consciousness.




I slept badly, and a dream woke me up. I felt like I was late for something, to catch a train I think (tomorrow I need to wake up early to do just that). But in the dream I overslept and by the time I woke up, I had already missed my train, and missed the time I needed to be there for an appointment.

Then in my dream, as I sat there on my bed realising I had missed my train, my thought suddenly turned to mum in the next room. I quickly ran to her room, for she had a plane to catch, and at that she already missed it by two days. How could I completely forget about her flight, I found myself scolding myself in the dream. I entered her room, and indeed she was still sleeping, and just waking up when I walked in. She looked distraught.

I woke up from my, and was so powerfully overwhelmed by a deep deep realisation... Mum is not there any more. I started to moan out loud from the pain of realisation, and I cried, even there were no tears coming out...

One night

A lot can happen in one night. Many unexpected things and people you may encounter that can change the way you think about yourself, about your life and experiences.

A lot can happen in one night. Minds are cleared, at least for the short while they are open and aired, decisions are made, at least for that moment when there is clarity and certainty.

It takes only one night, or just one split second, and things can change forever.

Picking up

I slept early, and by the time I got up it was half past six in the morning. My eyes were tired, and my head still reeling from dreams and images, some very difficult to remember, difficult to let go of. Two goodbyes in a week. It is hard for anyone.

Mum arrived safely in Europe, and is now with my brother. I got up, but found it hard to pry myself out of bed, despite the gorgeous weather. The cat was still asleep, I walked into the bedroom mum slept in, and it was empty. A few packets of her medicine had been left behind on the table. A travel guidebook lay next to the pillow she slept on. I had gotten used to seeing her on the bed in the morning, and now she is gone.

I had wanted to clean the  house, but was lost where to start. I was even lost what to eat, for when mum was around, I would prepare lots of fruits and vegetables and healthy foods to make sure she eats well. But not that she is not around, I seem to have lost appetite.

In a way, I am afraid of shifting through the pieces of paper and receipts, the brochures, and finally sorting out the suitcases I had put away since we got back to Montreal three weeks ago. There have been many memories, many beautiful ones, but also difficult and testing ones. Not just of my time with mum, but also of events before that, before I left here. I have been away from my life for two months, and it is hard to pick up the pieces and try to put everything back together again.

But I need to, I need to for myself. I need to pick up the pieces of my life where I left off abruptly back in May, and start to rebuild my life. Clean out the clutter, remove the lingering sadness and memories, and start life fresh, determined to be happy and at ease with being alone.

Chaque chose en son temps

Everything in its own time...

Now you have other things to worry and think about. Now is not the time to be weak and to wander around clinging onto the past.

Move on. Live, play, laugh and forget.

crying...

Mum's plane flew over my head. I knew it was her plane, it was the same airline, the same 777 widebody, and I've been checking the airport departure information, and it was around twenty minutes after the plane left the gate at 17.56hrs.

I don't know why it was so much harder seeing that plane fly over me, climb higher and higher and fly quicker and quicker abd further and further away... I could not control my tears. Seeing that plane, knowing mum is on board that very plane and really leaving, not knowing when I will see her again, was so difficult to digest. I felt my heart waver, and huge tears just plopped down on the park picnic table I was sitting on.

I have been through so many farewells at airports growing up. At one point I stopped crying. I thought I had grown up and that the tears have dried, or that I've stopped caring so much.

But somehow I started crying when that plane fly over me and disappeared into the vast blue, blue sky... Somehow, I feel so lonely inside and am crying still...

bidding farewell

I waved and waved again till she turned the corner. And so suddenly mum was gone. The smile that was there disappeared almost as soon as mum disappeared from sight.

Second time i have had to say farewell to a dear one in my life in a week. Walking in the terminal building, alone in a crowded corridor, I began to fill so empty inside, whereas my eyes were unexpectedly filling with tears. Where did this sudden sadness come from...?

I decided not to go home straight away, but to go plane spotting. At the place where exactly a week ago, with my friend, I saw the same plane that mum will be on take off, circle around and make its way to Europe...

I hope to catch a last glimpse of mum...

Day before departure

Strolling down the street, I could overhear mum talking to a friend's mum behind me, saying how special I am, and how proud she is of me. I caught just words here and there, not that I was eavesdropping, but just within earshot. I walked on quicker so that the words became just garbled sounds I could not decipher.

It the night before mum's departure from Canada, her suitcase is not yet packed, but we have the day tomorrow to do just that. This time tomorrow, I will be sitting here alone by myself. Mum will have been long gone and far away over the Atlantic. All that will remain is her scent on the bed I offered her to sleep on...

I think she will miss Canada, a place she has been growing more fond of with every passing day. Most of all, I think she will miss me, and the little things that I have tried to do for her to make her feel at ease and comfortable. She tells me, and has told me many times, she sees and appreciates all the little things... constantly asking if she is hungry or thirsty, being concerned if the sores in her arms have returned, worried if she sleeps well at night, wondering whether she is feeling happy and enjoying herself... It is how I show my love and affection, and (despite the occasional grumpiness and impatience) there is much I can give when I can. She knows it. She feels it.

She was telling my friend's mum how special I have been, even as a child. I did not feel proud or full of myself hearing that. I just felt touched, very touched that my attempts to make mum feel loved and cared for have not gone unnoticed. All the little things I do, they are what I know to do best. They are the little gestures and intentions that replace the "I love you, mum", which I've always found difficult in saying out loud. Just now, I wrote to my brother, hoping that they can spend some precious, quality time together, and reminding him how lucky we are to have our mother to hold and to cherish.

Little does mum, who is lying next door and fast asleep, know that I have another little surprise for her before she leaves...

Gone whaling

 There was an inhale of air, and I could see a cloud of water vapour emerged from the surface of the water, with it, the dark, smooth curved body of the whale. They say there are blue whales, mink whales, fin whales and eight other different species that crowd the region , each with a name, each with its own way of blowing water out of its blowhole, each with its own unique manner of breathing and feeding. But all that detailed knowledge is beyond me, and in the short three hours, all I could manage was try to capture brief glimpses of these magnificent and awe-inspiring creatures of nature.

Our Zodiac circulated the waters around where the Fjord of Saguenay met the mighty St Laurent River and the inflowing currents of the Atlantic Ocean. It is here that every year from May to October, whales congregate to feed on the abundance of plankton and shrimps that get trapped in deep cavern-like terrain under the sea. A whale could easily feed on 4 tonnes of plankton, shrimps and fish a day, feeding up to twenty hours, for four, five months before they move on.

At least half a dozen whales I caught glimpses off. Often, it would be the captain or another fellow passenger who would shout and point out in a certain direction after attentively scouring the surface of the sea to and suddenly seeing water vapour blowing into the air. All eyes would then turn that way, sometimes only to see a tiny bit of the whale's body surface. Sometimes it's a dorsal fin, but most often just the smooth back of the majestic creatures. Rarely, if you are lucky, you get to see the entire tail surface and then quickly disappear.

As whales can stay submerged for up to twenty minutes or so before needing to breathe, it is a game of waiting and being lucky in looking in the right direction at the right moment. It could surface a few hundred metres away, and the next time it could surface even further away or perhaps just dozens of metres off of the boat. At times I wondered whether the whales knew what we were trying to do, and were toying with us by playing a clever game of hide and seek. How little and humbled I felt being so close to such a large, yet graceful and gentle creature of nature.

Fog set in, and soon we were surrounded and blinded. The trained captain with thirty years of experience under his cap sped in a direction where he knew whales are likely to appear. We all began to get drenched from the sudden downpour, and the sea wind felt bitterly cold. But even circling the seas seemingly senselessly and directionlessly, it was all worth it for just another glimpse, another close encounter with Earth's largest and one of the most intelligent mammals.

Wandering thoughts

Surrounded by all this beauty, all this nature... I am so far from everything, and yet my mind keeps on making circles and dwelling on the same thoughts.

Love, loss, regrets, frustrations, dreams and imaginations of having stability and a beautiful home, fears of what to do next and what changes will influence my life in the coming months...

Surrounded by all this beauty, seeing all that the world has to offer in its naturalness, in its rawness, and yet my mind is elsewhere. Anywhere but here.

in Quebec City

A light shower dampens the hot summers day, and brings in the cool evening breeze. Sitting on the ferry ghat crosses the mighty St Laurent and offers a magnificent view of the Old Town of Quebec, with Chateau Frontenac towering over the river.

It is a calming sight. An ancient city that reminds me so much of medieval Europe, with it's narrow crowded streets, little houses, cafes and bistros, and cobblestones. I feel like I'm back in time, back to places I have been to as a child and that have often filled me with a fascination and awe of the past. Beautiful ornate church spires, artisan workshops (now gift shops selling local arts and crafts), green squares with flowing fountains and wishing wells.

I walked the streets by myself after dinner, as mum has already retired to our room. It's my quiet time alone, which I enjoy thoroughly, for it gives me the chance to look back at the day and reflect a little. The city puts on a romantic glow at night, especially as the deserted streets carry a quiet calm that contrasts much with the hordes of tourists during the day. That romantic feeling is especially strong when I close my eyes and imagine being able to share the sights and sounds with another.



We walked around the Old Town a bit after arriving close to noon. The weather turned and it began to storm, so we spent a good deal of the afternoon lounging in bed and enjoying the pool. For lunch and dinner I took mum to restaurants serving local delicacies- duck, pheasant, bison and the like. All part of the rich experience I would like mum to have in these last few days in Canada.

She has little idea how much effort (and yes, money) I'm spending to give her the full experience. But that's not really important if I can see that she is smiling contently when she falls asleep after a long, full day.

And today, again, she said she is really beginning to like Canada, which made me feel so happy inside.

Plans

We all need to make plans. It gives our lives some kind of order. It gives us something to work toward. It gives us hope that we  can achieve something when we set our minds and hearts to it. And for mum, I think plans will be important to make sure she lives a fulfilling and happy life.

Mum and I were talking today. Ever since her retirement, she has been in and out of hospital until a month ago. It is a month to the day that she embarked on her long awaited trip. Time really has flown by, and we are already in the last week of her stay here in Canada. Off to the Netherlands next, where she will stay for some time, how long exactly is yet unknown.

...but what about after that? I said I really hope she can think about what she would like to do. What about moving here for a little while, I asked. Despite the turbulent first week here (especially because of our arguments), she has been telling me that she is beginning to enjoy life here more as she gets to know the neighbourhood and the city. Of course there are details to be worked out, and I don't think I could live with her for a long time under one roof (which she understands and accepts), but it would be nice if she could be closer by, at least for some period of time. It would really save me the hassle and interruptions of having to travel to see her so often.

But then again, staying in Canada will be somewhat more complicated, for not even I have any status here (yet?). So I said perhaps she can consider going back to live in Europe, at least for a short stay every year. She wouldn't want to live with my brother and his new family, but it would be feasible to have a little place close by where they live, so they can check up on her once or twice a week. With the new baby reporting in soon, I said it would be wonderful for her to be surrounded by her first grandchild, and that it would give her lots of joy seeing and being with a baby.

She will consider these options, and of course, they are just ideas. A lot of things and plans depend on her health condition, and whether her tumour will spread or not. But I told her again and again, it would do her good to get out of the apartment she lives in in Taiwan, to get away from the crowds of people, from the polluted and noisy city life, and, at least for some time during the year, go live somewhere peaceful. It will do her health and her mind much good, and it would also put my mind more at ease.

In a way, I am telling her all this, and hoping mum would make plans for her future because I genuinely wish she could find stability and happiness in her later life. She has the means, the freedom to travel and go wherever she wishes, so why not take advantage of that, and live, and most importantly live happily?

In another way, perhaps for selfish reasons, I hope she can be settled down in a comfortable and good environment so I can be more reassured and not to have to worry so much. The selfish reason being that really, after all this flying back and forth, after a lot of delays to my studies and future plans, I would so much like to get a start. Spending time with her is pleasant, but it can be tiring and at the end of the day, when compared to my friends and classmates who seem so advanced in their lives and careers, I feel sometimes useless and somewhat ashamed of what I am doing (or not doing...)

We can make plans, we can imagine what wonder things can happen when plans come together. But in the end, the whatever will be will be.

Friend's comment

"I'm so happy your mum made it," he said, "She looks well and peaceful."

It was at that moment that I realised what a journey it has been.

Crossing the Pacific, the Rockies, crossing Canada to get to the place where I call home. There have been ups and downs, for sure. There have been such testing, such difficult moments that threw me (and mum) into despair and fear, but we overcome them.

And we made it in the end. Mum is happy, now at this very moment. Happy. And nothing can take away that happiness.

Happiness that is infectious, that can cure and heal. Happiness that I hope will last and be remembered forever and forever.

farewell

The guy hugged his partner tightly , unwilling to let go. it was obvious there were tears in his reddened eyes. They kissed one another on the cheeks, once, twice, three times, four times, hard to let go as they hands explored one another's bodies. It was a bright, beautiful morning, yet two people before me were saddened by their imminent separation.

What the circumstances of their separation are, how long they have known one another, or even the true nature of their relationship, I will never know. But from their body language, from the way they kept waving to one another as the second man boarded the same bus I was on, it was obvious their love, their affection for one another was deep.

Why was the one crying, I will never know. Out of longing or loss? out of that emptiness that is beginning to grow when the other person is slowly getting further and further away? The true reasons only they know. It is like their little secret, something special that ties them together, and no stranger or onlooker can ever hope to understand or appreciate.

I saw my friend off, just as he saw me off some two months ago as I headed home. Some intense last minute packaging and cleaning, and too few hours of sleep has overwhelmed me. We fell asleep next to one another, naked. I don't remember if our skins was in contact with one another throughout the night, but morning came all too hurriedly, and all too quickly. Now I feel like a zombie longing for some good rest.

What is on your mind, he kept on asking me as we headed to the airport. I'm not really sure. There was something, but I'm not sure how to put it all together in a coherent thought or sentence, especially not after too little sleep, and before a farewell.

We said goodbye and hugged one another, again and again. I kissed him on the forehead and the cheeks, he gave me a little ear nibble. No lips this time, for it would be too weird and uncomfortable, perhaps. No tears, no sense of longing or missing, at least not yet.

Was I subdued, as he put it? Subdued due to the fatigue, or by something else? I'm not sure. He'll only be away be two weeks or so, and it'll be a good time to collect myself, clean up my life after all the comings and goings of the last two months. I look forward to time apart, to have my own space and time to breathe and meditate. Time figure out things in my mind, and move forward.

My friend passed through security, and I watched from a distance. What did I feel at that moment, besides being tired? I saw him get him bag after passing through the metal detector. He dis not look back, though I hoped he would, to turn back and wave, or smile. But he walked away, turned a corner and disappeared into the crowd. I lost him. And he lost me.

I have seen many people in my life through the same obscure angle at an airport as they gradually leave. Next week, when mum leaves, it will be another departure from my life.

Life, so often filled with people, sounds, obligations and emotions, quietens down once in a while. And it is at these moments that you realise, however beautiful the shared moments are together with another person, in the end you go through life alone, and must find peace with that.

hugs

It's so beautiful to lie next to someone, especially someone you care a lot about.

Just lie there, perhaps arms over one another in a locked face-to-face hug as you feel the other person's breath on your cheeks, as you stroke softly the soft skin of the other person's naked body.

There's something so magical, so miraculous, so heart melting to be in the arms of another. I love it when I am behind someone in a spooning position, our bodies licked tightly together with as much skin contact as possible. I love it too when the other person is behind me, the crotch filling the nape of my buttocks, the legs intertwined, the person's arms locking together around my upper torso.

There is such a beautiful connection there, a connection like no other at that moment in time, at that place. Just two people lying together, blessed by the warmth of one another's touch and caress, fortunate enough to find in this vast, and oftentimes lonely, world another to hold, to cherish and to live and care for.

In that moment, all the world's troubles and noises seem to cease, all the whispering voices and nagging thoughts seem to be silenced. There is only the two beating hearts of two people beating ever faster, pushed on by the magical intimacy and contact that is being enjoyed. Questions of what is right or wrong seem irrelevant.

There is no past arguments, no future uncertainties or fears. Just this moment of two people lying next to one another and drowning perhaps the greatest and simplest pleasure this world has to offer.

It is so beautiful, hugging with another.

Fuss

I don't know why I seem to cause so much fuss about nothing. Why do I have to create trouble when there is none? I did it this morning with my mum, caused her some grief when I was distressed about some official business I needed to take care of. And I did it again this afternoon, ruining a perfectly beautiful bike ride together with my friend when I brought up how I felt some what uncomfortable  about going on a trip together with him. 

Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest. 

sitting by the seashore

Sitting alone by the seashore, watching the sun set. Across the water, lies the sprawl and tall buildings crowding the waterfront of Halifax. A half moon hangs high in the dimming sky. A salty sea breeze is blowing on my face, tickling my hair.

Another day almost gone, it's always nice to spend a bit of time alone by myself. To calm down, reflect and to tell myself that it's alright to be alone once in a while. But also, it's good to spend some time alone and away from mum, who can be very dependent and clingy, especially as she does not like to venture out and try new things. Partly it's the language barrier, but partly also because, as she said, she's losing that drive of life slowly.

Another week to go until the end of her stay here, and other than the two days of arguments and crying, things have generally been going well. Strangely, she seems to now take more interest in my friend, occasional asking me questions about him, which I find somewhat awkward to answer, especially as we are no longer together. They have met on separate occasions, and mum does think he is a pleasant and smart boy with good tastes. I'm not sure what to make of that, though.

I think she is slowly getting used to and enjoying life here, despite it being somewhat foreign and (in her words) less refined compared to Europe, where she has lived for many years. I think the natural beauty and vast open spaces of this land has left a deep impressions on her and she has said she'd like to return again.

Today, after visiting the museum of Canadian together, she started to reminisce our first steps away from our home land when I was still young, and the little memories, setbacks and accomplishments since we settled down in Europe. Seeing the writings and pictures of all those immigrants, sensing their excitement, and perhaps anxieties, about arriving in a new home, made mum and I relive some old memories. Hopefully one day soon, I will, like all those millions of immigrants who have landed on these shores, proudly say out loud that I am Canadian.

train journey

I fell asleep soon after lying down and pulling the blanket over me. But it was not too long, perhaps an hour or so later, before I woke up and had trouble sleeping.

The romantic feeling of being on a night train somehow had motives into fear, as I would be waken by sudden jolts and vibrations and loud squeaking and clanking of the metallic carriage. I remember lying in my cabin, a little frightened, and also worried about whether mum was getting any sleep at all from all that motion and noise. I remember lying there a while and thinking i should knock on her door and give her earplugs. Bug I never did that, for I was afraid I would wake up her.

By four or five I was awake, and the sky was already brightening. Unable to sleep, I went up to the dome and watched as the day slowly broke.

So tranquil, so mesmerisingly beautiful with that thin, thin veil of morning mist over woods and patches of water. It reminded me of the scenery of morning break at the monastery I stayed at for a ten day retreat last year.

train to Halifax

There is a feeling I've always found to very romantic riding the rails. So beautifully romantic that it makes my skin crawl (in a pleasant way) and heart lightly swoon.

I don't know if it's the gentle rocking motion, or the muffled rumbling of metal wheels as scenery after scenery flashes by. More exciting is falling asleep to the rhythmic rocking and vibrations of the train as it speeds through the night, and the knowledge that when you wake up the next morning you're already hundreds of kilometers away.

Sitting alone on my bunk bed, which is separated by a wall from mum's cabin next door. It's very cost here, and seeing the made bed I had a feeling I'll sleep wonderfully tonight. Only pity is that I'm in the cabin alone (save for the two teddies my friend asked me to take along....). How exciting and arousing it would be, i imagine, to cuddle up next to someone on the small bed and rock ourselves to sleep with the train's swaying motion.

Friends of mine said I was insane to take this twenty two and a half hour journey ( especially as the plane would take only one hour), but like so often in life, the trip itself is the journey. I love train journeys, and have been fascinated by trains since a child. So this is another experience that I'll remember for a long time to come (though I've done part of this journey two years ago too)

Sitting in the glass dome of the panorama car at the end of the long train, I could not but again feel so lucky and blessed being able to take mum on this long, long journey. Mum has once again that contented look on her face, and she did say that she felt much better than earlier today.

Making more memories and hoping we can savour every moment of another trip together.

Returning sores

Woke up in the morning to the sun in my face. Slept late last night as I was out with friends.

Mum was up a few moments after I started making fresh juices for breakfast. She looked tired, and something was bothering her I could feel it.

The soreness and numbness in her left arm has returned again, and it's causing her great discomfort. I originally wanted to go out and spend some time with friends, but had to cancel.

We walked around looking for a place where she can get a massage, for back home she would go to one at least once a week. It helps her a lot, and makes her feel relaxed and gets her blood circulation going, which is important. And it's been almost a month since her last one, so her body is (almost literally) aching for it... Luckily, we managed to find a masseur just a few steps from my house, and mum is doing her massage as I type.

As we walked around, we talked a bit. Again she was in one of those strange moods. It was more than just her body causing her discomfort, I knew. And eventually she admitted it. She does not feel at ease being here, much less than if she were in Europe, she said. She doesn't know where to go, and says everything is in French, and I suspect also she feels that I am "abandoning" her when I make plans to meet friends.

I was already distraught by her returning sores, but again to be told that she is feeling uncomfortable here makes me really lost as what I can do. I'm not sure what I can do to entertain her, and I try to make the most of my time with her, but also long to see my friends occasionally because it has been such a long time since I interacted with my peers. I mean I have already spent so many weeks almost constantly by her side, and today we're taking a four day trip away together, and yet she still feels abandoned. What can I do then...? Can I no do anything at all without feeling guilty that she is all cooped up at home and feeling isolated in a foreign land? I have shown her places to go, things to do, and yet she will rarely venture further than the local park if I am not by her side...

I cannot blame her if she feels there is a language barrier and feels foreign here, but am I supposed to spend even more time with her and put off plans with my own friends? But I feel myself getting moody and more and more impatient when I am constantly at her side and constantly accompanying her. How can anyone not when you are with any person for a long time, even if it is your own mother?

However idealistic I imagined it, I never did imagine that bringing mum here to Canada would cause so much unease in her life, and also in mine...

dream

An empty hotel room, all by myself. I know the place, somewhere downtown in Montreal. What I was doing there I did not know, but I had just woken up, and was wearing a suit that I did not bother to take off going to bed, so it was all wrinkled when I woke up.

I was alone, but someone else was in the room before, though the person had already left, leaving a terrible mess behind. Clothes everywhere, pieces of paper, rubbish all over the floor. The tv was on, quietly reporting the day's news... Wars, diseases, criminals, natural disasters.

I got up and went near the window. Looking down atthe street below I realised I was in Montreal. The sights appear so familiar, and yet all so foreign. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, or tried to smile. There was a scent in the air, perhaps of whoever had left in a hurry earlier before I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I heard myself say out loud: "Be happy! Whatever happens, nobody can take away your happiness!"

The last moment of the dream, I saw myself crouched down on the floor, cleaning up the mess, bit by by. On my face was the look if contentment, of gentle calm, while the tv continued to transmit images of chaos and violence...

Turning point

Talks over the last few days, and events over the past two months have really shaken me up.
Maybe it's a wake up call. Maybe it is all meant to give me a slap in the face and tell me to start living more, for myself and not for others.

Sometimes you place your hopes and dreams and all your efforts to making someone happy and well, but in the end nothing turns out the way you wish for. It can be frustrating and dissatisfying, and leave you wondering at the end of the day what it is all for, what it was all about. 

You can only care so much about people around you, but you cannot make make them happy, you cannot change them and mould them to be the way you would like them to be. When you expect too much from others, when that expectation is not realised, and when there is disappointment, you end up hurting. Hurting, and crying, like I have done a lot in the past few days for a variety of reasons. 

It is not that I should be selfish and stop caring about people I love and care about in my life. I just need some distance, and take the space and time for myself, to take care of myself, to love myself more, and figure out what it is that I want in life.

 All the traveling around, all the little things I do to try to make people smile and feel touched; while they may be endearing, and while I may enjoy doing them, I should do more for myself to make myself smile and happy.

Most of all, I should be 

Breakdown again

For the second day in a row, I broke down in tears in front of mum. I could not control it... the whole day I have been miserable, been hearing the words said last night over and over again in my head, and been hurting. Many moments I was close to bursting out in tears, but I held back.

Until just now.

I don't think there was a time I felt this way, so utterly drained, so hurt, so cut deeply. I poured my heart out, told mum hold hurt I felt about our argument yesterday, told her about how I feel so rejected, especially when she says things like "It's your choice, as long as you're happy..."

Who else do I have now if I lost even my mother? The last month or so has been period of torments.... first an abrupt break up with my friend (and now with the awkward aftermath...), then dealing with the pains of mum's treatment and illness and spectre of death, and now this... Mum's inability to accept (at least for now...), and feeling guilty and responsible for causing mum hurt and disappointment, which in turn will affect her condition...

There is only so much a person can take. Have I reached that point? I wish I could just close my eyes and will everything, everyone away... I cry, and cry, and cry till there are no more tears.

And then there is calm.

Post Created 2011-07-01 11:30:06

Only my cat understands me...