Loving you, loving me: Chapter 8, Napoleon's dick

Now for those of you wondering about the highlight of this chapter-- ie. Napoleon's dick-- wonder no more. Here are some facts that will make your mind... bulge.

I first heard about it from (yes, surprise) my History teacher at high school. She wasn't called Scarybottom, but was just as mean. She used to be an instructor at the Royal Army (UK), so was obsessed with order and discipline.

After some personal investigation, I came on this site which confirmed that unerected it was "2.54cm long -or one inch". Josephine must have been thrilled~

There's also this site for those bent on wanting to know more about Napoleon's dick ....or perhaps they'll be throbbing to read about the fate of the dicks of other tyrants.

Nightmare in bed!

I’ve been sleeping with a girl the past two weeks. I had to.

The apartment of my mother-friend is so small there’s no where else to sleep except next to her. It’s perhaps bad enough Baby Sunny keeps waking up in the middle of the night crying and hungry, or hitting me with his arms or pulling on my clothes…but the mother isn’t any better.

Her positions in bed (not THAT way) are vulgar to put it mildly. It’s a double bed, but often I’ve had to make do with a little corridor on the edge to avoid being slapped in the face or kicked in the groins. The Spread-Eagle, the Cannon Ball Curl, the Angle Swing, the Writhing Snake…these are postures I’ve been able to identify, even in the dark of the night. And then there’s the twisting and turning, and groans and moans, the teeth grinding, the farting, sleep talking (complaining and whining don’t stop in sleep). I’ve tried not to picture her in bed (THAT way).

But then last night it happened. I had managed to accumulate three hours of sweet, uninterrupted sleep, and suddenly I felt my entire body being embraced. I thought it was a good dream, a flight of fantasy as my mind conjured up images of a beautiful boy and our romantic escapades…but no, it was her! She actually rolled over to my side and hugged me. I was frightened and felt…violated. I know I smell good, I know I have an irresistible body…but I don’t swing that way!!!

I quickly released myself from her girl grip, and hoped that I had inoculated myself before from the cooties. I jumped out of bed, and watched a giant beast roar in rage and flap its claws up and down. Sleep itself has become a nightmare.

Like mother, like son.

Blown off

Remember the other day I went to dinner with some friends? Well, it went well, and I met a really nice guy there too (our mutual friend had wanted us to meet at the party).

We got talking, and were for most of the evening sitting next and just talking to each other. Who can blame us when the rest of the room were six other girls/ladies? We were 'singled' out...hopefully that word has a double meaning here.

He was a really interesting person, we seem to have similar interests and even did similar studies as well. And of course in the back of my mind I was thinking/asking the inevitable': could he be? I looked at his 'gestures' and movements closely, and some obsevations matched some stereotypes: sometimes his wrist would hang loosely, he had an immaticulate dress style (nicely-ironed shirt and pants), he took care of his face and body well, his laughter had a high pitch...

OK, it's not rocket science confirmations, mere indications. And usually I don't buy into the 'gay stereotype' mumble-jumble. Then as the evening drew to a close, he drove me home, and sort of suggested we go on an outing today.

Of course I was elated for two days, tumbling in bed, imagining the possibilities, dreaming, fantasizing, and all the other things I do best... until this morning. Got an SMS from him saying he's:

"Sorry, but impossible to meet today. Have fever, headache...and throwing up."

I was disappointed, and tried not to think too much of it. It could happen to anyone, and besides he was sniffing a bit at dinner that day too. But then, the more I tried not to think of it, the more I did think of it. What if it was just an excuse? Last time I was here in Strasbourg, he also blew off a plan to go out together, and he did it again. I don't want to be too demanding, especially from someone I just met, and to be honest barely knew...but it seems too conincidental.

Anyways, just very disappointed the whole day, and wondering when or whether we would meet again.

My blog censored !

According to France Telecom's 'Controle Parental' (Parent control) my main blog (Formosa Online) contains sensitive information, and so is therefore censored.
Could it be my discourse on Baby Sunny's behaviour? Or my complaints about Strasbourg being 'bourgeois'? Or my personal and deep confessions?

It's really strange, because THIS very blog contains more sex and other taboos, but is still accessible.

Wonder what the French are up to...

“Je suis une ange”

To an angel...

On a break from ‘domestic life’ I went out last night. The whole town became one big party, with music gigs, dance events and entertainment all over the place. Never have I seen so many people, mostly youngsters like me, drinking, dancing and partying into the night. The weather was kind, not too hot or cold, and the air mixed with the smell (read stench) of spilt beer and barbeque. Still I’ve not been able to figure out what the whole evening was about, but I suspect it’s related to the start of the Tour de France in a week’s time.

No matter. I enjoyed myself, going from one gig to the next, stopping and walking, only to stop again wherever the crowd gathered. I looked and envied those people who were enjoying themselves so unreservedly in the middle of the street, dancing away, streaming and being wild.

At one point I came to a small gathering underneath the Cathedral. Beneath the magenta glow of floodlights on the cathedral clock tower, under a clear black sky full of stars, a girl sang and played her guitar. She played love songs, my favourite kinds, to the likes of the Cranberries, Natalia Imbruglia, the Carpenters, and other French ballads. A crowd slowly gathered in a crescent formation around her, cheering her on, clapping along, and some even bold enough to engage in a bout of duo-dancing. I was mesmorised by her soft voice, and the lyrics which seem to capture my feelings in few, but powerful words. I stood there, glued to the one-girl show, and just listened, sometimes sang along in my heart, and allowed the music and the words to take me away, to swoon me with butterflies and other love bugs.

Then I noticed you. You stood there diagonally opposite of me, on the other end of the crowd crescent circle. You were alone, I made sure of that as I glanced in your direction a number of times, just to be sure. You were dressed in a tight-fitting black top, with a row of bold font white words on the front. You wore dark blue jeans, and a black pair of Adidas. In the dim street light I could just about make out your facial features—a young profile of a tween, smooth-faced, clean-shaven, pointy nose, short hair spiked with gel on top…and if I’m not mistaken dirty blond hair. You stood directly opposite me, a sleek, slim body like mine, with long arms and legs. Not muscular, like mine, just a natural build, radiating with youth.

I tried not to stare too much at you…but at times it seemed like you were looking in my direction too. Were you? Or was I imagining things, like I often do? I tried to focus on the music, but it seemed like the music was taunting me and my thoughts, thoughts which drifted to this beauty in front of me. There were so many other people around us, we were in a crowd of people, but you stood out from the rest. Did I stand out too? I looked at you, hoping you wouldn’t notice I was looking…but then again, perhaps also hoping deep down that you would notice me looking. For perhaps this was the beginning of something, I thought to myself, and allowed my thoughts to run wild at the possibilities, the endless and boundless possibilities.

Music and singing drifted around me, and hordes of people walked passed me, in front of me, behind me, some even bumping into me drunk and confused. But that did not take my mind and attention off of you. You stood there, perhaps as nervous as I was. Somehow I seemed to see me in you. The way your head darted from side to side looking around…the way you didn’t seem to know where to put your hands and arms…the way you touched your face and the top of your head, like I would when I felt nervous…were you signaling to me? We must have stood there for over an hour, you glued to your end of the crowd, and I glued to my end. Even as people left and came you and I stood our ground, in the same places we were standing when I first caught glimpse of you. A lesbian couple stood next to me, one whispering soft words into the beckoning ears of the other. They hugged and kissed one another, held hands and were in love. And I wondered if you and I could…

Then, I didn’t know why, you strode over to my corner of the crowd. And within moments you were standing just one or two metres to my left. Then I could see more of you, more of your angelic face, you body, your hair, and realise the colour of your eyes were light hazel with a hint of blue. On your upper arm had a black tattoo. The darkness around us played illusions with my vision and mind. Why did you come closer? Were you seeking ‘contact’? I stood where I stood and didn’t budge…yet my eyes and head turned to you every so often to capture glimpses of this beautiful boy at my side. But I was too shy, too insecure, too embarrassed to ‘make a move’. Something I will and still regret.

You looked in my direction a couple of times too…or was I imagining things, as I often do? We were so close. For those milliseconds our gazes met I melted. What were you feeling in those moments when our eyes met and the world stopped? And I realised what those bold font white words on the front of your top said:

“Je suis une ange” (I am an angel)

Yes, you are. The moment I noticed you I realised there was something about you. Even in a crowd of crowds, in a sea of people and passer-bys I could not take my eyes off of you. Something around you, about you seemed to radiate such warmth and beauty which dwarfed all others and all else. I was lost in your heaven, with this angle on earth so close to me. Music and song drifted around us. I was lost, in love, though I know I shouldn’t be…not in the whims of a random sight, a vision of beauty; however mesmorising, however mind gobbling.

Then you left. I could still remember that last glance at the back of your head as you slowly disappeared, out of my little fantasy, my little imaginary world where anything and everything is possible.

I stood there, wondering where you went, and where you are now.

I walked around the city, under the towering cathedral’s sympathetic magenta glow, under a sky of stars, hoping that I would bump into you again. But there were simply too many people, too much chaos and craziness. Soon I felt lost.

Like you, I soon lost myself in the crowd. And was not to be found.

To those who are desperate...

I'm still away, so my apologies to those who are waiting for the next part of Loving you, loving me. Problem is there is no internet connection at my friend's place (she applied for it around 10 weeks ago, with the promise it would be connected within 5 weeks...French bureucratcy!)

I promise as soon as I get home I'll get more of the story!

Meanwhile you can keep yourselves entertained with my baby experiences.

A happy couple

Saw them sitting by the canal one afternoon...laughing, talking, being very intimate with one another...
*sigh* If only I... 

3.24am

First there was a silent cackle, barely audible. Then it became louder and louder. I thought I was dreaming, but it was no dream. Baby Sunny was crying, not howling and shrieking, but a soft cry, carrying with it the sounds of innocence and a slight wheezing. Something was wrong, that much I knew. Perhaps he was hungry, perhaps he wet himself, perhaps he was uncomfortable, perhaps he was ill, perhaps he was cold, perhaps he was hot. Perhaps, perhaps…

3.24am. Time to get up, open tired eyes and get ready for baby action. It turned out he was hungry, and had wet himself, and also pooed too. A couple of spoonfuls of powder, 90ml of lukewarm water, a little shake of the baby bottle, and his dose of nutrition was ready. He gobbled it down quickly, sucking on the rubber tit with an expression of satisfaction and joy. A couple of times he took too much into his little mouth all at once, and trails of white streams flowed down the corners of his little lips. Quickly a stand-by piece of cloth for wiping his drool was called into action. He continued sucking, drinking, his cheeks expanding and contracting, his eyes closing and opening as he devoured the juice of life.

I looked at him, my heart filled with a strange sense of pleasure that this little curios creature before me was under my care. Behind the responsibilities and worries lies the satisfaction in knowing that I am helping, if only a little bit, to nature and care for this fragile little baby. Again he took my finger and held it tightly in his hand; sometimes tightening his grip, as he needed the assurance that he was not alone; sometimes letting go, as if he was trying to prove that he was ready to take on the world by himself. In his clear pupils I could see my own reflection. And in him, in his voice, his movements I saw my reflection. Once I was like him, once I was so in need of love and care. Correction. We are born and are in constant need of love and care.

He burped as the bottle was taken out of his mouth. A few pats on the back, to prevent him from choking, to help him swallow better, and prevent him from throwing up…but also partly to praise and commend him for the joy he brought to our lives, and the joy we feel as he drank his way to growth and health. Like always after his dose, he looked drunk, with his arms outstretched, eyes rolling, lips slightly parted, wheezing ever so slightly. Drunk with pleasure, with contentment, with perhaps the discovery what a wonderful world of pampering and love this is for a newborn…

Next on the agenda was to clear up the mess Baby Sunny had made. I laid him on his nappy changer, and softly stripped away the layers of clothing that wrapped around him. He wriggled and danced on his back, as if it was a game of tickle and wriggle, his feet kicked and little arms swayed in the air, trying to catch invisible butterflies. And he laughed, chuckled, smiled and giggled, with such purity, without a trail of pretence.

The nappy was wet and soiled. Smelly too. Gently I peeled it from beneath him, and quickly put a new one under his tiny bum. If I had been any slower, a slush of brown would have trickled down his bum and onto the towel he was lying on. Quickly I pulled wet tissues from the box and tried to catch the exiting deposits, but more squeezed their way through, to the accompanying sound of farting. He continued giggling, smiling, wriggling and dancing. There’s no shame in farting, no shame in soiling yourself; not when you are still so small and innocent.

Suddenly a jet spewed into the air, spraying on his clothes and my busy hands. Emergency! Another tuck at the tissue box and quickly I covered his hose to prevent rain falling wildly all around us. He continued giggling, smiling, wriggling and dancing, not a worry in the world, just living from one moment to the next, experiencing this magical new gift he so recently received: the gift of life. Desperate situation called for desperate measures. Away the old nappies and tissues went into the bin, and away the wet clothes and towels went into the hamper. A fresh start, a fresh try in trying to change Baby Sunny into clean and dry clothes.

I closed the window to prevent the night draught from chilling Baby Sunny. It was a struggle at first putting his nappy and clothes on. Gently I took ahold of both feet and held them up, while sliding the new nappy underneath. I was inexperienced, new, and learning, as much as he was. Clumsily I felt my way around the nappy, trying to find out how this incredible invention works. Finally I found the seals that would prove vital in sealing off the toxic wastes and gasses. I gave them a gentle pull and stuck the lycra parts on the front of the nappy, just underneath the picture of a little smiling duckling swimming happily in a clear pond. Nappy done, and now the rest.

From the cupboard I got out some of his soft linen. They smelt wonderful, like the smell of fresh roses, spring air and morning dew. Especially his fragile little arm I was afraid to break as I tried to pull it through the sleeve. I held his hand lightly, and as if he felt I was initiating our usual game of grip-my-finger, he closed his hand around my finger tightly. Using the opportunity, I jerked his arm ever so lightly and managed to free it from the tangled sleeves, out to freedom. Much the same struggle with his other arm and feet. But in the end was a clean and fresh smelling baby, lying there before me, kicking and waving, giggling and smiling.

Mummy slept on. We tried not to disturb her, and let her sleep, for she has done too much already.

But so many things happened as she had her back turned toward us. So many things between Baby Sunny and me.

what are the chances?

This is sort of silly.

Last time I came to Strasbourg, a friend arranged a day trip to go hiking in the mountains. Not only that, she also arranged a ‘playmate’ for me. The way she was describing him—single, handsome, kind, friendly, good career—it seemed like he was trying to match me up with him. In the end though he didn’t show up. Shame I thought, but just let it pass.

Turns out this friend is planning a dinner coming Friday, and wants me to attend. She said that this ‘single, handsome, kind, friendly’ guy will be there too, so I must go.

Just made me wonder what the possibilities are… 1 in 10?

Summer plans?

I sort of had a sudden idea the other day.

My friend in France seems to need a lot of help, especially in the first few months after birth. My idea is to ‘move’ to France, and stay with her for a while, at least for the summer period. I could take care of her and the baby, do ‘heavy’ chores and help around, while at the same time study French.

I’ve always wanted to study French, and this would the perfect opportunity to do ‘two things at once’: help my friend and study! Besides, I’ve never joined a ‘summer course/camp’ in my life before, so it would be a first for me. I hear you’ll get to meet lots of new and interesting people, and perhaps it could be a ‘summer of love’ even…

Just an idea… not sure how or whether it would all work out. There’s some ‘hurdles’ at home I need to overcome, and some other business I need to take care of.

It all seems so exciting the more I think about it!

Calling home

The weekly call home. I was somewhat apprehensive about calling, because I knew that there would be some kind of unpleasant news. I thought calling home would be a pleasant thing to do, but it’s actually become something I dread and don’t feel like doing, but must do because…well, it’s a ‘must’.

So I called home, and as usual mum picked up. Immediately in her voice I could detect something was wrong. Perhaps she and dad had been arguing again, or perhaps the unbearable situation of living together has reached an impasse. She was hesitant about telling me what had happened, but eventually did. Perhaps I’m the only one she can talk to, and who can understand what is going on.

A cousin of mine is coming to Europe for a conference, and since computer gadgets in Taiwan are so cheap I asked him to buy some for me (remember, my computer is over 5 years old, is losing its memory and becoming senile). Who would have thought that even something like this could cause an ‘international incident’?!?! My aunt called my parents and mentioned this to my dad, resulting in an inquiry and overreaction. All I wanted was for my cousin to buy some hardware, and to do so cheaply. But that somehow managed to draw two feuding families into the picture. A very simple request, but it managed to evolve into something touching sore tensions and nerves.

And that’s not all. Mum says she can’t stand living with dad. He disappears to who-knows-where, and whenever he’s home he hogs the TV (sounds like my brother) and turns off all the lights and spares the aircon despite the searing heat. OK, I can understand that he is a very thrifty person, but why live in a dark house and in the boiling heat and let other people suffer at the same time? How much can electricity possibly cost, and might I add that he’s not even the one paying!

I saw this coming when I left home, what now is already three months ago. I knew they would not get along, I knew it would be torture for both mum and dad to live together again. So I told them to get a divorce, or at least live separately…that would have been the best for everyone. But they didn’t listen. And still don’t.

So mum has to now live with dad, who doesn’t seem to care about his own wellbeing and health, despite the fact that he’s seriously ill and in poor health. Smoking, eating badly, sleeping badly, not exercising, not socializing…the more I think about it, the more I think, to be very frank, that ‘it may not be long before…’

And I’m not even going to go into the ‘cold war’ situation between my parents and my brother. Let’s just say communication has frozen and relations have reached another low point, over money this, money that…

Oh, all that frustration from just a simple phone call of no more than ten minutes!
Really…GROW UP people!!!

Who is that??

Who is that in the middle of the Atlantic reading my blog?
I'd like to think it's someone enjoying him/herself on the sunny Canaries...
but it might be someone shipwrecked and trying to SOS for help.

Whoever you are, please identify yourself! : P

Full moon

Been a really hot day, a big change from a couple of days ago when it was just 5C! Went out to buy some things and felt the sweltering sun. The big difference here is that the heat in Europe is dry, so it feels so much hotter than it actually is. My first thought was I need to buy some suntan lotion. I just go back from Asia, and really I've absorbed enough sunshine to last me a lifetime and I really don't feel like getting any tanner...

Worked a bit more on the paint job. I feel a bit unwell because of all the fumes I breathed in, and all the terpentine I dashed all over my body, hands and feet to get rid of the paint. It could be quite satisfying to do this kind of house renovation, but really it's hard work and I can't count the number of bruises and cuts I have on my hands. And because of the corrosive paint and other chemicals my hands have really become rough...which I don't like. In this kind of weather after working for a couple of hours, you know a shower is due!

Been feeling somewhat stuffy lately, and with the temperature I feel more and more like I'm living in an oven, baking with troubled thoughts and bottled up emotions. Problem is there's not really anyone in 'real' life I could talk to, no one in my life at the moment who's close enough and to whom I feel comfortable talking to. Which is a shame, because I like 'deep' personal conversations, even if they don't get you anywhere.

Went to wander around in the forest again, and felt lonely again. Now and then people would pass by, but really the chances of you striking up a conversation and pouring your heart out are slim. Besides, they were mostly old(er) people...so no potential there. I think I've been obsessed with trying to find love, or at least someone to talk to and relate to, and it's becoming frustrating.

So I guess I was relieved that my friend in France callled and asked me to visit. She's the one who I stayed with almost a month while she was heavily pregnant (and depressed). Now the baby's out, and they're both happy and healthy.

And I've become 'Uncle David'.


UPDATE 14 juni 2006
I qasked them to stop calling me uncle...and to call me bother David...makes me feel a whole lot younger:

AH I hate this French keyboard:1

Hm, potential gay couple

I'm not a voyeur and I don't tend to look into other people's bedrooms, but....

I was just glancing out of my balcony and saw two guys on their balcony just opposite my room.

They were hanging clothes out to dry, all of which I noticed were men's clothes.
Also they were really intimate, and at times playing with one another. One moment one sort of leaned over the balcony, and the other stood behind him and sort of semi-hugged the one leaning over the baclony.


(Click for details why I think the couple is gay)


Hmmmm... could be interesting.

Loving you, loving me Ch7

I've sent the latest instalment to Nifty, and it should appear online very shortly!
Thanks for the patience, and hope you'll enjoy it, and continue reading~ : )

Loving you, Loving me: Kitty

If you're wondering what the real Kitty (Kleine Kat) looks like,
here are some sweet and cute, pictures.

Strange sleep

I woke up this morning, and surprise, surprise I had somehow managed to turn my body 90 degrees anticlockwise during the night. Either my cat came in in the middle of the night and did that, or my body is synchronising with the earth's rotation. Just really weird, something that's never happened before, in my 22-and-counting years of experience sleeping.

And I've been having lots of strange, short dreams lately, some even nightmares. Most of them I can't remember anymore, but really does disturb the quality of sleep. Could it be I'm just too bored and have nothing to do? I notice that I tend to dream a lot when I'm not doing much in real world...

Maybe that's why I do so much in my dream world.

More on pedophilia and sex

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!...this may be provocative to some.

See also:

• Gay teens and sex

• They are for real

• Party for pedophiles

The new NVD political party established by pedophiles makes news again, this time in a court case. A security company argued that the new political party can no longer use the abbreviation NVD, because the company used it first.

To be fair, before writing about this issue I thought this was just a party for pedophiles, but I’ve come to realise that my views before were based misunderstanding and unwillingness to look beyond the obvious. So to balance the bias I had before, I give you what the NVD declared on its website:

“We are not a ‘pedo-party’ and do not represent the pedophile community in the Netherlands. We embody the interest of NVD-voters, not only those of pedophiles. Our party agenda is much broader than the viewpoints related to pedophilia and child sexuality.”

More news: apparently the NVD is not the first party to call for lowering the age of consent to 12. The Labour Party (PvdA) and D66 (Democrats) have in previous years also discussed calls for the change (Metro, 6 June 2006).

Pim Fortuyn wrote something before in 1999 arguing that pedophilia—“The modern totem of shame” he calls it— has received a received an unjustifiably bad name. It is as natural and genetic as sexual orientation, and something that cannot be changed, however many times you lock the pedophile up to ‘repent’:

“Pedophilia is just like hetero- or homosexuality. It is something that is in the genes, you can do little or nothing about and against it, you are who you are. The social context [contributes] little [to it], sooner or later the tendency will irresistibly arise. It is just as impossible to cure as hetero- or homosexuality. […] During and after the stay in the cell the pedophile may be told that this is not allowed and that he or she must control him/herself, but these are people like you and I. Therefore 100 percent certainty that the pedophile [does not recidivate] is not given.”

The discovery of sex and sexuality is a natural right of a child. How many grew up playing ‘doctor’ with the neighbours or friends? Under the overprotective and over-reactive intervention of ‘experts’ anything remotely intimate is automatically labeled as ‘traumatic’:

“Since the colonization of the world of the child by adults [exploration of sexuality by children] immediately falls under the chapter of immoral and undesired intimacies, and before children have got it figured out, a procession of ‘experts’ are [already] sheltering them. In this way something that was not a problem before—the discovery of the world of the other sex—suddenly becomes a great problem. And if the children were to be traumatized by anuthing, then it is from this ridiculous attention and concern about nothing.”

The overreaction toward pedophilia and pedophiles specifically is not only perpetuated by the state’s insistence in trying to ‘change’ the pedophile through education and prison sentences, but even normal citizens have taken an active role to blacklist and hunt down pedophiles in their neighbourhoods. This is a step back, from the sexual revolutions of the sixties and seventies, Fortuyn argues:

“After the invention of the pill [came] the liberation of sex. Homo(sexual)-sex was accepted, and why should—under strict condition that the child wants it and that it is not being forced— pedo(phile)-sex be not allowed? This enlightened point of view has since been abandoned and under the influence of ‘experts’ the child is portrayed as completely and all free of sexual desires, in any case in contrast with adults.”

Hm, I must agree to an extent, like I’ve already mentioned before. It’s a sensitive issue, but one that has been oversensitivised because we (or society in general) tends to latch a taboo and certain degree of ‘hush-hush-ness’ to the issue. Human beings are sexual beings, but we try to deny it because we want to believe, and make ourselves believe, that we are better and more civilized than animals. Sex is an instinct, just as there is an instinct to seek shelter, food, warmth, and community. I believe in free will, one that is unhindered by any sort of internal and external inhibitions. And whatever form or however sexual contact takes place, it should be based on that very principle.

Step back and you'll see that this is more than a debate about pedophilia. It's about the values and norms that society as whole places on sexuality.

And the reigning (twisted) values and norms that seem to be dominant today:

-when it comes to sex most people are out to 'get' some ('get laid'), and less concerned about giving
-a girl who sleeps around is a slut, but a guy who does that is a 'man'
-it's taboo to have sex with children, but why are porn magazines full of young looking boys/girls who just happened to be '18+'?
-cheating is immoral and frowned upon, but prostitution (whether legal or illegal) is the oldest industry around

Sex today is something that is 'shameful', 'embarrasing', 'guilty', 'hush-hush', even though everyone is engaged in it, one way or another, either alone or with someone else. Which is also one of the reasons why I'm writing in depth about this here, instead of on my main blog. Some people simply cannot take such issues head on.

To quote a friend, "Sex should be like brushing your teeth, you do it at least twice a day".
So where does this taboo around sex come from? Stereotypes, reenforced by centuries of (especially!) religious and political indoctrination, misinformation, and more recently the prevelance of sexually transmitted diseases which further exaggerate on the inherent feeling of shame through fear.

I guess my point is that a party like the NVD puts the debate back into sexuality/sex, and can be beneficial . It may just overthrow the long silence and shame associated with sexuality with proper debate and exchange, and may be liberating for society as a whole.

Unless bias and intolerance silence the party first, that is...

Loving you, loving me: Ch7 "An die Freude"

The 'SFX' for this chapter!

What is An die Freude, and how does it sound?
Here's the original and translation of the text. A true aster piece!

An die Freude
Friedrich Schiller

O Freunde, nicht diese Toene! Sondern lasst uns angenehmere anstimmen und freundenvollere!	O friends! Not these sounds! But let us strike up more pleasant sounds and more joyful!
Freude, schoener Goetterfunken, Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische dein Heiligtum. Deine Zauber binden wieder, Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brueder, Wo dein sanfter Fluegel weilt.	Joy, o wondrous spark divine, Daughter of Elysium, Drunk with fire now we enter, Heavenly one, your holy shrine. Your magic powers join again What fashion strictly did divide; Brotherhood unites all men Where your gentle wing's spread wide.
Wem der grosse Wurf gelungen, Eines Freundes Freund zu sein, Wer ein holdes Weib errungen, Mische seine Jubel ein! Ja - wer auch nur eine Seele Sein nennt auf dem Erdenrund! Und wer's nie gekonnt, der stehle Weinend sich aus diesem Bund!	The man who's been so fortunate To become the friend of a friend, The man who has won a fair woman - To the rejoicing let him add his voice. The man who calls but a single soul Somewhere in the world his own! And he who never managed this - Let him steal forth from our throng!
Freude trinken alle Wesen An den Bruesten der Natur, Alle Guten, alle Boesen Folgen ihre Rosenspur. Kuesse gab sie uns und Reben, Einen Freund, geprueft im Tod, Wollust ward dem Wurm gegeben, Und der Cherub steht vor Gott.	Joy is drunk by every creature From Nature's fair and charming breast; Every being, good or evil, Follows in her rosy steps. Kisses she gave to us, and vines, And one good friend, tried in death; The serpent she endowed with base desire And the cherub stands before God.
Froh, wie seine Sonnen fliegen Durch das Himmels praecht'gen Plan, Laufet, Brueder, eure Bahn, Freudig wie ein Held zum Siegen.	Gladly as His suns do fly Through the heavens' splendid plan, Run now, brothers, your own course, Joyful like a conquering hero
Seid umschlungen, Millionen! Diesen Kuss der ganzen Welt! Brueder - ueberm Sternenzelt Muss ein lieber Vater wohnen.	Embrace each other now, you millions! The kiss is for the whole wide world! Brothers - over the starry firmament A beloved Father must surely dwell.
Ihr stuerzt nieder, Millionen? Ahnest du den Schoepfer, Welt? Such ihn ueberm Sternenzelt, Ueber Sternen muss er wohnen.	Do you come crashing down, you millions? Do you sense the Creators presence, world? Seek Him above the starry firmament, For above the stars he surely dwells.

Click here for the music of Beethoven's Choral Symphony (9th) ,
which by the way is also the antheme of the European Union.

Walk

A walk does wonders to a troubled mind. I've been doing that a lot recently, around the time when the sun is about to set, but not quite yet. It's 'late', so not many people are around, except the occasional dog-walkers. And the forest is so peaceful at that time.

As I walked, fallen petals flew around me as the movement of my feet created invisible currents that lifted and played with them like they were kites. I sat down beside this little creek, and just stared at the reflection on the surface of the water. It was so calm that the reflections of the trees, sky, leaves and all retained their natural colours and were impossible to tell apart from real things. All these birds sang around me, and somewhere a bee hummed. I wasn't alone.

But then things started to cross my mind. And perhaps I've been trying not to let it get to me, but it is getting to me. It's been over a year since I last worked, and two years since I last studied…and three years since I last had someone in my life I really wanted to be with. Depressing, isn't it? I looked around me, and there was nothing, noone I could turn to. Sure, it was beautiful, it was calm and peaceful, but with noone to share with, who can share my thoughts, and share what I see and feel?

Here I am, a tween who's supposed to be in the 'prime' of his life, yet I feel like I've outgrown my usefulness, and not lived or loved like people my age. What happened to fun, letting go of yourself, and living life on the wild side? I've never really tasted that. I guess I have the looks and brains to go out and get what I want, or perhaps whoever I want…but there's some strange and terrifying self inside that keeps on pulling me back and restraining me. This self that lacks confidence and the will to do it.

I seriously need to reorganise my life and take control instead of just passively let life take control of me. Should go out and meet people, overcome my fears and barriers of socialising and making new friends. Problem is I've been telling myself this for years, and I'm still the way I was before.

And it's scary if you think about it, and scarier if you think about it more. That in this great big world you are alone. Even if there are many people around you, you still are alone.

At least I feel I am.

Gay teens and sex

Just came across an interesting research about gay teens and sex.
This is sort of related to the whole issue of paedophilia, and the 'taboo' surrounding sexual abuse.

The basic argument of this survey is:

contrary to popular belief ( based on the feminist idea) that inter-generational sexual epxeriences can only be traumatic for the younger person, with homosexual/bisexual boys/teen that does not seem to be the case.

Instead of there being a perpetrator and vicitim (in sexual abuse, where one asserts a position of dominance over the submissive party),
with homo-bi boys/teens the exploration and discovery of their sexual identities may even be helped by their sexual experience with men older than them.

Why may this be the case? Because boys/men are more able to separate the emotional from the sexual part of the experience, with as many as 70% of the boys/teens saying the experience was positive or neutral.

Given the estimated 14 percent of college males and 27 percent of college females who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, one might welcome the finding that these youngsters were not impaired for life and can enjoy normal psychological adjustment. However, at the recommendation of the journal editors, the authors drew additional conclusions. Noting that the term "abuse" implies that harm is inflicted, the authors argued that classifying behavior as "abuse" merely because it is considered illegal or immoral, even in the absence of harm, is not scientifically valid. To so label it also conflates instances in which the sexual experience inflicts harm with those instances in which it does not, thereby complicating the task of determining what characteristics of the experience produce psychological harm. Moreover, they note, in many, and perhaps most, cases of sexual activity between an adult and a minor, there is no physical or emotional harm to the child.
(Source: PEDOPHILIA AND THE CULTURE WARS)

IMHO (In my humble opinion)
Sex is something intimate and should be so, based on utmost trust and mutual consent. That is the point of departure... and whether an experience is labeled "sex" or "abuse", that is for the parties involved to decide. But in deciding there must be a certain degree of knowledge and awareness of what is involved, and that degree should be balanced between the parties. Age, or whether someone is a 'teen' or 'man', is under these conditions irrelevant.

Of course, the American Congress was not too pleased about what it viewed as "public policy or legislative attempts to normalize adult-child sex or to lower the age of consent".
They must have been furious upon hearing the establishment of the NVD!

Provocative? No, but boys will be boys.


Rant alarm: heavy stuff!

My (humble) opinion?
I can't say whether the finds are true or not. I can only say from that sex in my personal experience was confusing at a young age (5? 6? possibly younger? Don't/can't recall).
I didn't find it positive or negative, perhaps because I didn't understand what it was and what it really meant. It was only later when I reached puberty that I started realising what I had undergone and forced to receive (not give, but always receive), and it was then that the real trauma started, and still continues.

The worst effect is the lingering effect of guilt...perhaps coming partly from the fact that it was all so physical and intimate, and yet somehow 'exciting', like a game. And it was a game, but one based on an unequal balance of power and authority, based on submission and defeat from the very start. This I could only know later on, and that was/is a terrible realisation that robs you of your own sense of esteem and humanity.

Gay left

Did the Left 'normalise' homosexuality?
It was the 'left'--among them feminists, critical theorists, socialists and others-- that challenged the idea that core family values preserved the stability and roots of progressive society. In their opinion, marriage and family as an instiution maintained the status quo of male dominance and authority, which in turn supressed other (minority) groups and communities that did not conform to the 'norm'.

The Left's successes in legitimizing homosexuality set the pattern for subsequent attacks on the traditional family over the next quarter century, and it is therefore worthwhile to examine the logic at play. First, a traditional societal structure (e.g., the heterosexual family) is found defective because it is sexist, homophobic, racist, or in some way oppressive to a group favored by the Left, and an alternative (e.g., the homosexual family) is proposed. This alternative is touted as not only more just and equitable but also as beneficial, or at least not harmful, to society.

And the best the right/neo-cons/bible-huggers (think current US administration)
can come up with is that homosexuality (or for that matter equal rights, privileges etc) is "immoral", "unnatural", contrary to the "Divine Plan".


Fascinating! As a left-leaning liberal, I'm quiet happy to know (yet again!) that my political and cultural persuasions formed in the SOASian years have not been in vain : )

Gay teens and sex

Just came across an interesting research about gay teens and sex.
This is sort of related to the whole issue of paedophilia, and the 'taboo' surrounding sexual abuse.

The basic argument of this survey is:

contrary to popular belief ( based on the feminist idea) that inter-generational sexual epxeriences can only be traumatic for the younger person, with homosexual/bisexual boys/teen that does not seem to be the case.

Instead of there being a perpetrator and vicitim (in sexual abuse, where one asserts a position of dominance over the submissive party),
with homo-bi boys/teens the exploration and discovery of their sexual identities may even be helped by their sexual experience with men older than them.

Why may this be the case? Because boys/men are more able to separate the emotional from the sexual part of the experience, with as many as 70% of the boys/teens saying the experience was positive or neutral.

Given the estimated 14 percent of college males and 27 percent of college females who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, one might welcome the finding that these youngsters were not impaired for life and can enjoy normal psychological adjustment. However, at the recommendation of the journal editors, the authors drew additional conclusions. Noting that the term "abuse" implies that harm is inflicted, the authors argued that classifying behavior as "abuse" merely because it is considered illegal or immoral, even in the absence of harm, is not scientifically valid. To so label it also conflates instances in which the sexual experience inflicts harm with those instances in which it does not, thereby complicating the task of determining what characteristics of the experience produce psychological harm. Moreover, they note, in many, and perhaps most, cases of sexual activity between an adult and a minor, there is no physical or emotional harm to the child.
(Source: PEDOPHILIA AND THE CULTURE WARS)

IMHO (In my humble opinion)
Sex is something intimate and should be so, based on utmost trust and mutual consent. That is the point of departure... and whether an experience is labeled "sex" or "abuse", that is for the parties involved to decide. But in deciding there must be a certain degree of knowledge and awareness of what is involved, and that degree should be balanced between the parties. Age, or whether someone is a 'teen' or 'man', is under these conditions irrelevant.

Of course, the American Congress was not too pleased about what it viewed as "public policy or legislative attempts to normalize adult-child sex or to lower the age of consent".
They must have been furious upon hearing the establishment of the NVD!

Provocative? No, but boys will be boys.


Rant alarm: heavy stuff!

My (humble) opinion?
I can't say whether the finds are true or not. I can only say from that sex in my personal experience was confusing at a young age (5? 6? possibly younger? Don't/can't recall).
I didn't find it positive or negative, perhaps because I didn't understand what it was and what it really meant. It was only later when I reached puberty that I started realising what I had undergone and forced to receive (not give, but always receive), and it was then that the real trauma started, and still continues.

The worst effect is the lingering effect of guilt...perhaps coming partly from the fact that it was all so physical and intimate, and yet somehow 'exciting', like a game. And it was a game, but one based on an unequal balance of power and authority, based on submission and defeat from the very start. This I could only know later on, and that was/is a terrible realisation that robs you of your own sense of esteem and humanity.

Gay Dutch diplomat chased out of country

If you thought diplomats have immunity, think again!

The Dutch ambassador to Estonia has resigned from his post because he and his married partner, a black Cuban, have been repeatedly exposed to homophobia and racism.

Hans Glaubitz, the openly gay abassador, said:

"Society is long not yet [receptive] of two men, especially not when one of them is black"

A magazine in Estonia published an article last year , calling the appointment of a gay ambassador "a Dutch provocation".
>>>>Well, sincere apologies if your EU neighbour is too liberal for you! Perhaps the people should have thought about that BEFORE they joined the Union.

According to COC, the leader of the conservative party in Estonia called for a ban on
"anal sex between men and the public expression of homosexuality like holding hands on the streets and kissing each other". According to him " homosexuals have begun a campaign again normal families and the fundamental and values of a civilised society" and that homosexuals are out to make people "accept [something] that is simply unacceptable".

I hope the European Parliament will take this matter seriously...we're talking about an international incident here, and open discrimination by a country that joined the EU on the basis of respect for human rights and a ban on discrimination of all kinds.

And you call yourselves "civilised"! Ha!

The word GAY takes on new meaning

The BBC Board of Governors hasjust decided that 'gay' also means 'rubbish' or 'lame'. This is apparently "simply keeping up with developments in English usage".

Thanks to the BBC, we can be grateful UK taxpayers are helping to clear up the confusion...

Here are some interesting facts behind the word 'gay':

HOW BRIGHT BECAME DULL

Believed to derive from Old French “gai”, the Latin “gaius” or a Germanic source. Originally meant “carefree”, “happy” or “bright and showy”

From late 17th century acquired sexual connotation of “uninhibited by moral constraints”

Gertrude Stein’s Miss Furr & Miss Skeene (1922) cited as first published reference to ambiguous sexuality

Noel Coward pens tribute to dandies of the “gay Nineties” wearing green carnations in 1929 musical Bitter Sweet

Used to describe foppish dress code, unattached men or bachelors until adopted by homosexuals themselves in 1960s

Originally used as an adjective (“he is gay”), the word is adopted as singular noun (“I am the only gay in the village”)

Children and students use gay as shorthand for “rubbish” during 1990s

Bloggers substitute “gay” for “boring” or “dull”, reversing original meaning

They did teach us to read 'beyonf' the words at school.

Loving you, loving me Ch6: Only time

I had actually put the lyrics and a link to the music video in the latest installment of Loving you, loving me, but I guess it got removed. For people who are interested in this great song, go here.

Music by: Eithne Ni Bhraonain (Enya)

Lyrics by: Roma Ryan

Copyright 2000 Warner Music International

Who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
- only time
And who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
- only time

Who can say
why your heart sighs
as your love flies
- only time
And who can say
why your heart cries
when your love lies
- only time

Who can say
when the roads meet
that love might be
in your heart
And who can say
when the day sleeps
if the night keeps
all your heart

Night keeps all your heart

Who can say
if your love grows
as your heart chose
- only time
And who can say
where the road goes
where the day flows
- only time

Who knows - only time
Who knows - only time

And the best movie kiss goes to...

Jake Gyllenhaal & Heath Ledger, in "Brokeback Mountain"!

Yes, the MTV Movie Awards describes it as:

"Whether gay, straight or somewhere in between, hearts melted worldwide at this fateful liplock".

Jake also won best actor!

Dalai Lama criticizes homosexuality (again)

Sometime ago he was harsh in an interview in his views on homosexuality:

"A gay couple came to see me, seeking my support and blessing. I had to explain our teachings. Another lady introduced another woman as her wife - astonishing. It is the same with a husband and wife using certain sexual practices. Using the other two holes is wrong."

"A Western friend asked me what harm could there be between consenting adults having oral sex, if they enjoyed it," the Dalai Lama continues, warming to his theme. "But the purpose of sex is reproduction, according to Buddhism. The other holes don't create life. I don't mind - but I can't condone this way of life."

To be fair, he did say he doesn’t mind homosexuality, only that he can’t condone it. That’s not the same as the Catholic or Muslim view that homosexuals will burn in hell. Pfffeeeew.

In his recent trip to Belgium he repeated his comments again, this time more graphically.

“[…] Desires and attachment can be an obstacle for our spirituality. We should be wary of that.

[…]

All forms of sexuality are viewed by monks and nuns as undesired behaviour. (Points to his mouth) The use of the mouth falls under that too,. (Points to his behind) just as is ‘using your other hole’”.
[…]

The purpose of sex is reproduction. This (points to his mouth again) has nothing to do with reproduction, right?!”

But what about if something is done out of mutual consent and respect ? That—mutual love and respect for others and behaving in such a way that others and yourself are not harmed— is the fundamental idea behind Buddhism, right?

“To me everything is allowed, as long as it happens with mutual resepect. Than there is no problem if men do it with men, women do it with women, or if you do it here (points to his mouth) or here (points to his behind)"

Setting "Loving you, loving me" Ch6

(Rpls: 5 juni 2006)

OK, to add to the 'special' effects of the story, here are some pictures for you to picture where this is all happening. I know it's supposed to be winter where they are, but just use your imagination.

...as he took a soft turn and rolled onto a bike path that led into the green.
We rocked a little as we rode over some bumps on the road, but still managed to
keep on going.

We were speeding quickly in a tunnel made out of trees, bushes and shrubs...

Though there were no leaves, the branches that stretched like countless arms
from the trunk offered some sort of shelter. The surrounding area was full of
giant oaks, each stretching tens of metres into the sky, and each had their
countless arms outstretched embracing the open space...

We circled and jumped around the great big old oak tree, as if we were
performing some kind of ritual dance...

...a little creek, one that was usually tranquil and a smooth mirror.

They are for real

Last week I wrote about the NVD Party, founded by paedophiles in support of causes to lower restrictions on paedophilia.

A follow up:
Just reading the discussion in the forum, and someone made a point that is worth noting.
Basically the argument is that among paedophiles ('child-lover' if you break the word down) there are two types:

1) child-lover: one who is attracted to children, who would never do anything that the child does not want and shall not force children to do anything. They listen to the child, and to what he/she does not want and respect this.

2) child-abuser/molester: one who sexually abuses a child to satisfy his/her needs.

Most of the media coverage and public opinion focus on the latter, and lump paedophiles together as one and the same, giving the former group of people a stigma and bad name. There are people who are sexually attracted to children, yes, but they also know the limits of this attracttion and would not do anything to jeopardise the trust and safety of the child.

And then there's the issue of where paedofilia comes from. It is suggested by a member that it is in the genes; that you don't choose to be a paedophile, just as you don't choose to be gay/lesbian/heterosexual etc. Is that the case really?

Perhaps there is more to the story than meets the eye, if only people will open up to different opinions.