Raid

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I felt so embarrassed. I called my brother's mother-in-law and said I'm going to visit her. I did want to before I left the country to thank her for hospitality, but in fact I had a "mission" to fulfill and needed to go to her place to "raid" her house in search for items belonging to my late mother. 

I probably made too much of a big deal out of this, especially as she did tell me to take whatever I see at her place. that belonged to mum. And there are plenty of things, from duvets to pillows, from cups to a massage machine, from the formosan hinoki wood barrel (for foot-soaking) to wooden furniture and decorations that used to hang on mum's walls to fridge magnets that I bought for her (of Canada. Quebec, of the cirque du Soleil shows we went to see together...). So many things that belonged to mum and that were in mum's house before, are now at my brother's mother-in-law's place.

All because when it was time to pack everything away last year, I was not there. So out of convenience, they shipped evrything to  one address. Much to the surprise, or perhaps even disdain, of mum's siblings, especially her youngest sister. So two weeks ago she asked me yo go and see what else there is left, especially of mum's wardrobe. 

There aren't much clothes left. There were three bags of clothes that were collected, but becaese my auntie did not go pick them up (and my brother did not bother to ship them to her...), most of the clothes have been donated to charity. There are some that my sisterinlaw kept for herself. The best things, the branded and expensive things. 

What can I say? In my mind, if my sisterinlaw could use the clothes, especially the winter ones in Europe, why not? Am I to ask for them back so I can give them to my auntie? How embarrassing that would be, to ask for clothes that someone has been wearing for over a year and half.

So I went in the house of my brother's mother-in-law today, and I left with a porcelain cup and a pillow that turns into a down blanket for myself. The rest of the things, though there are many memories attached to them, I just cannot bear to go through and "raid"... How do you take away from someone tea cups and plates (even if they are Wedgwood...), cutlery and items of fufnitture that have de facto been owned by someone for almost two years? 

I went in embarrassed and came out embarrased. In the end, I identified two lovely duvets and pillows and asked for them to be shipped to my cousin (my auntie's daughter), thinking she could use them most. I'm not sure what my brother will say if he hears of this, or what his mother-in-law thinks of me. 

I'm just trying to give my auntie something to remember her sister with. It's not a pleasant task to go into someone's house and take things... And it's not just because it's hard to go through mum's belongings again and having to relive the memories and to hurt again. 

I tried to do the best I can.

Restlessness

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My mind... It's so restless. Drifting to people and places far, far beyond the walls of this meditation hall... Drifting to moments in the past and imaginations in the future, being anywhere but here and in the now.

I  cannot control this mind, this mind beset by guilt, attachments and longings... This mind that is so wild and free, yet in actual fact so constrained by conditioning and by habit.

I look inward, and I see darkness, I see nothing. I see fear, liking and disliking, I hear dialogue with myself and I see a frightened being wanting to break free from the past and people of the past. I see a meditator trying to overcome physical pain, trying to see through mental creations trying to find that moment of peace and calm.

I am trying.
I am beginning to understand again.

In the end, we are no one. In the end, we are nothing. In the end, all this claim to fame, all this wealth, all these desires we feed and all these hatreds we harbour mean nothing.

Do you want to live life, live the rest of your years, blind and deaf and constantly struggling against yourself and the world, like the vast majority of people?

Or do you want to break free?

Mama...

It was a crowded room full of people (felt like it was my brother's mother-in-law's place...). The tv was blaring, there were a lot of people (who I could not see...) And the noise of chatter. I could not make out what was being said. The tv screen flashed with the news and the opening credits of some tv show. 

I curled up in the corner and closed my eyes. I opened my eyes and saw the tv flash, heard the noise of constant chatter and felt the presence (though could still not see) of a lot of people...

Then I felt a sudden wrenching emotion. I felt a particular presence (or in this case, abnsence...) of one person. I felt the absence of my mother. I felt again, amidst all this noise and in the midst of all these faceless (and "invisible") people, that painful, painful void! 

That painful void!

That besrtwrenching void!

I started to sob uncontrollably. 

"Mama.... Mama....!" I seemed to cry out curled up in the corner. " Mama...!"

I woke up, and with the wretched pain torturing my body, my chest/lung area, I had tears in my eyes.

Pain...

The chest pains are so bad I can hardly sleep. Every move I make , I ache. And coughing makes it all the worse...

What's wrong, body?
What's wrong? Why do I ache so badly....?

And the dogs keep on barking...
Do they sense something is happening with the earth? Two days ago, there was very unusual seismic activity north of Taipei, the capital. 4.4 Richter, not a big quake, but the location was very peculiar, somewhere where theres not been seismic activity for thousands years.

Experts have been predicting a  big one, a very very destructive one. Far more destructive than the one in 1999 which killed over two thoudand, the epicentre of which was merely a dozen kilometers or so from where I am right now. Could there be signs?

Restless night.

Valentine's Day

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"Where are you, my Valentine?
Somewhere out there waiting for me,
Just as I am waiting for you.
Can I see you, my Valentine?
Can I touch your face, feel your heart beat and kiss you 
The way you touch me, feel me and kiss me?

In sorrow and in joy, in moments of loss and in moments of gain, in pain and in elation, 
You are on my mind."

I've been in the mountains for three days now. The air is cleaner and clearer, and I have been told the environment will help me heal and recuperate. I've been sleeping a lot, and if not sleeping, meditating or chatting with the monk. The fever has gone, the dizziness and head aches have subsided, but the coughing remains, and there seems to be no sign of easing. And for two days now, I feel this sharp pain in my lungs when I cough, a pain that is accompanied by a shooting pain  in my lower abdomen. When I cough, the phlegm that comes out, though clear, somehow tastes bloody. And it's not just when I cough, but also when I breathe deeply, or when I want to speak louder or project my voice. I fear something may be wrong with my lungs, and I've been urged to go to the hospital or at least see a doctor to have a check up. It may be pneumonia, or some kind of damage to my lung from the prolonged coughing and fever before that's causing the very sharp abd constant pain on either side of my chest /lung area.

This influenza has really wrecked my body, and I am experiencing side effects and after effects now, almost three weeks after the initial symptoms. But you know me and hospitals... I avoid them like a plague. I am traumatised bt hospitals and doctors after prolonged exposure to them those months of being in such close contact with them as my mum's health deteriorated and eventuallly passed. My fear is such I'd rather suffer pain (sometimes so unbearable...) Than step into another hospital. It's not good, I know. And it's perhaps a reason why I'm in such terrible shape now because I didn't seek medical attention until four days after I started having severe fever, even though it was clear not ordinary pills were helping...

This morning I went downstairs to a special surprise. The monk and two friends had plotted a small early birthday gathering for me. They brought a beautifully decorated chocolate mousse cake and twenty pink roses, and laid out several gifts on the table to surprise  me. I was and felt so embarrassed. 

I never like being the centre of attention and receiving things (though I do love to give surprises and give...), so much so I expressly tell people not to do anything on my birthday and not to get me anything. And for several years now, I turned off the birthday function on Facebook so people are nor reminded. But besides fresh flowers and nicely wrapped gifts (mainly precious Buddhist artefacts and scrolls for me to decorate my little shrine at home, the one inherited from my mother...), there were cut out hearts to coincide with Valentine's Day. I was moved, genuinely touched, and its not even my birthday yet. 

The little cake and coffee/tea party was just right... Three people I close to and appreciate, especially the monk who for the past seven (almost eight!) years has been like a father figure, who has offered me much spiritual and personal guidance and counselling. We ate and drank and delighted in one another's plesantness and company, which made me forget about my illness and body pains. 

They lit a candle and said I needed to make a wish.

And so I made one. 

May it come true. 

Sadhu, sadhu, sadhu... 

After the illlness

Over ten days since my fever began. The fever has more or less gone (though I'm having "heat flashes" and occasional outbreaks of sweat...), but the side effects linger. Is it from the meds or from the H1N1? I don't know...

All I know is I'm so tired, so very tired, and my body still aches and pains. And the coughing is almost incessant, like there is an endless irritation in my throat that I cannot get rid of. The more I cough, the weaker I get. Sometimes the coughing is so bad I feel my stomach churning and feel like I'm going to throw up. All the while, my head seems to be spinning and I can hardly focus without my my drifting away and being left in a daze...

I'm in no condition to go anywhere or deal anything. Yet, there are still effects belonging to my late mother I need to sort  through, things I could not deal with because last new year I could not return. My brother and his wife, in a hurry to clear everything out and quickly rent the place out for rent, more or less shipped everything to their mum(-in-law)'s place, which means I need to open boxes and sort things and decide what to do with them. It's like unearthing a grave after the body's long gone and buried.

Not something Im looking forward to, especially not in the condition I am in. I need more rest, more sleep, more healthy food to replenish my battered and exhausted body and spirit.

Mum's plants

Still alive after all this time...

Dizziness

So dizzy...
So weak...
So tired.

Day nine

Almost day nine since I fell ill, and day six after I started receiving treatment. My head is hurting so badly, and I have difficulty concentrating. When I look at something, like the floor, it seems to shift and move. Dizzying...

Is it the lingering effects of the severe strain of the influenza virus or lingering effects of the medicine that is supposed to kill the influenza virus? I don't know. I know only my body is aching and in great discomfort in ways I have rarely felt before. And yesterday, after the follow-up, the doctor prescribed with with dozens of medicine I have to take to fully eradicate the virus. I am tempted not to take them, as I have this innate resistance against taking pills (I've seen my parents take more than enough pills in their lives........). I am tempted to not take the pills also because I feel I am destroying my body and insides but gulping down all these chemicals and man-made toxins. But what is the alternative? Allow my body to weaken from an illness or from the pills? I just want to get rid of this terrible throbbing headache and physical discomfort that I cannot fully describe let alone pin-point the origin of. 

 Where did the days go? The past ten days in Taiwan have been a haze, composed of sleep, lots of coughing and a stint at the emergency room. Family and relatives have been around me and are concerned about my wellbeing, and especially my auntie (mum's youngest sister) has shown me great hospitality and kindness... 

But this is exactly the kind of moment I miss my parents the most. This is the kind of moment when I wish there were this special someone to care for me and to tell me I will be alright...

Illness and healing....

How did I become so ill? So ill it feels like I'm about to faint and never wake up again...? Never in my life have I felt this way. The fever that comes and goes, the incessant sweating and painful cough that can be easily triggered by swallowing saliva. The worst is the dizziness and delirium... When I close my eyes, I see the universe and white flashes of light and spots. When I open my eyes, the world spins and I must tread ever so careful so as not to fall and collapse...

It all began the day after I arrived. I know I'd been coughing for over a month, but symptoms of a cold have already subsided from consumptions of echinacea and herbal teas and lots of fresh fruit smoothies. I boarded the plane, arrived in Taiwan and felt alright. The first day i slept for close to eight hours but I woke up and felt pain throughout my body. Aches and sores, sweating and a light fever. These have lasted for three days now, and I cannot tell if I am getting better or worse.

Two friends and my cousin arranged to surprise me at the high speed railway station three days ago. I was already feeling ill, but they were so kind and sp thoughtful to travel all this way to coke see me and be with me, because they know I'll be very lonely (and hurting at times...) During this holiday when families get together. I was extremely touched, and shocked beyond words when I saw the two of them, one of whom I've not seen for over eight years, but whom I got in touch again because the other friend thougut she and I would have a lot to relate with one another. indeed, she struggled with the loss of her parents, struggled/-s to move on and find self worth and love in others. She experienced the depression, lethargy, the unwillingness to get up and face the world, the inability to find joy and lightness in life after her parents passed. A few years on, she is still alive, still standing and has managed to reconcile with loss, but it takes times, patience and will...

One thing is for sure, I cannot deal with the loss of people who have died, but I can chose to deal with pepole whose presence in my life has become obsolete or become a hindrance to finding self worth and love. I do need to surround myself with people who are supportive and understanding, who would literally travel the world to be with me and show me the depth of their love and care, who can look me in the eues and tell me I can tell them anything, everything and not judge, not grovel and not hit back and say I complain all the time and am not grateful. I am grateful, beyond words, but the gratitude and feelings of kindness and care and love for the other has been so depleted by the energy and time I have dedicated and focused on my mother and (to some extend) father. I am not just an empty shell, hollow of feelings, dazed and destroyed inside after five, six years of trying to cope with loss and trying to find healing and solace rom the tears that she'd so easily. I am trying, really tryjng.  

My head is spinning still, and my friends and I are heading to the north today. I have no real plans, except to stay with them while they are still here. In ways I feel terrible they are here with me but my body is wracked by illness and sores, my voice is coarse and I can hardly speak or eat or drink... But they said we don't have to do anything, all they want to do is be with me...

I am going to see how things go, I may check myself into the emergency room somewhere. But I hate that, I hate hospitals and sirens. I  just dread getting into the medical system. But in the back of my head I am concerned that this is not just some common cold that will subside. This may be a strain of a cold virus that has claimed lives in this region and also in north America. 

I don't know what to do. My brothr and sisterinlaw are heading overseas today, my relatives are in the south. If I head to the north i have no one to take care of me or see me if I'm ill or hospitalised...

This is turning out to be some start to the new year.

Yul-yyz

Flight 495, yul-yyz.

First flight of four to come in the next forty-eight hours. I started crying almost as soon as I sat down. The tears have been collecting, and threatening to escape my tired, tired eyes. It's been like this for the past two, three weeks. Another emotional spell whereby I can be so easily pushed over the edge and cry...

Exam anxiety, anniversary of dad's passing, the dread of going home and uncertainty of where I will stay. A friend said I'll survive, because I surived last year. But in all honesty, I don't want to just survive. I want to live. I want to love. I want to feel alive and smile again! How long must I go on surviving? How long must I bear these heavy, heavy burdens and emotions  of grief and loss and longing? Impatient, I am. Because it's been so long, and yet I cannot shake out of it. I cannot let go. I cannot escape the bursting of tears and emotions when my mind drifts back, without me even wanting or trying, to events in yesteryears....

The knowledge of having a home to return to and a mother to go back to to hug whenever I fly back... The feeling of family and belonging just there, even if so far away... The reunion dinners and fancy feasts that we used to enjoy this time of the year... The comfort and knowledge of having a dear friend and lover whom I can trust and speak to, whom I enjoyed and look forward to speaking to and seeing... 

Everything rolled into one jumble of emotional entanglement and web of attachments and longing I cannot free myself from.

 Everything is gone!

Everything is in the past!  

Nothing stays ever the same!

Much of my emotional outbursts I realise are related to this exam. Why, again, I hear my mind ask myself, am I torturing myself with exams I could not care more or less about? Why do I put myself through periodical bouts of severe agony and depression every three months over a piece of paper, the recognition of having a title for which I seriously have no intention of using? 

I want to give up, I want to stop it all, but I dont know how. All I can think of are the judgmental voices and faces.... All I can see are the wags of fingers of shame.

I am pushing myself to the edge, and for what? For what? I am sleeping four hours a day because I can't sleep more than that at night (and yet have such frequent needs of lying down and curling up in a foetal position and closing my eyes to hide...). Why am I putting my mind and body through this? 

I am so tired.... And these tears make me so drowsy, so droswsy and weak.

Longings

I wish just for once, I could wake up to a special someone and kiss him and be kissed back...

I wish I could feel warm breath on my cheeks, on the back of my neck, feel stroking through my hair, the way I would do to the other person...

I wish I didn't need to meet someone and then leave, uncertain whether I'll see the other person again, whether I'll able to kiss his lips, watch him sleep, feel the warmth and every nook and cranny of his body as we lie next to one another. 

Will this ever happen, I wonder.

I live for and dream of that day, of that special someone. 

End of the day

At the end of the day,
You are alone,
And must face the quiet and the solitude alone.

At the end of the day,
You cannot rely on the unending compassion and support of others,
And must realise that real peace can only be made within.

At the end of the day,
When you think back at the onslaught of tears and emotions that were ejected,
You may cry again,
Or you may toughen up and bite the inside of your lips and say to yourself,
The day is almost over.

Soon it will all be over.

Airport goodbye

As I stood in the airport terminal and explained to the auntie the whole checkin process, I suddenly felt this pang of sadness rise and take over me. This seems so familiar. These feelings feel so familiar, are feelings I've not felt in such a long time...

Caring for someone. Explaining to someone patiently how to do something so they do not get confused and are not afraid to go off on their own. I did that so many times before with my dad, with my mum. Just like the moment i had this afternoon. That care and love and hope that someone you care about will be safe on their own as they travel. 

My friend's mum was leaving to visit her in Vancouver, and my friend asked me to take her mum to the airport, which I gladly accepted. This auntie is always so kind to me, and treats me as if I were part of her family. Six months back, i took her on the very same journey and she just trailed behind me and said she felt really secure and didn't have to worry much. Today, she's going on her own. I felt responsible, and wanted to explain to her as best as I could so she is not afraid or anxious. In this auntie, I saw reflections of my own mother... Living overseas, but lacking the necesarry language skills to be fully independent. A foreigner in a foreign country, unable to fully understand what is going on, and unable to fully take part in society. Going out can be a challenge, and there is forever that fear of being in a difficult situation and being unable to explain or express yourself, when all you can do is nervously smile...

I pointed out the guest lounges, the boarding gate, and briefed her again on going through security. I told her not to worry, that there is nothing to worry about for all she had to do was get onboard the plane and as soon as she lands, there will be no customs. It's pretty straight forward, I said and reassured her that she would be alright.

i looked her in the eyes, and she looked a bit anxious. I told the auntie to be careful and to have a plesant trip and reunion with her daughter ( my friend). Then I gave her a big hug. A hug that lasted for a while as I patted her back. I felt myself inadvertently tear and struggle so hard to contain my emotions. 

I watched as the auntie walked in line and queued for security. I started waving at her, smiling, or at least pretending to. Inside, i was overcome with emotions. How many times have I lived  and experienced this moment with my parents? How many times have I said goodbye to them at airports around the world? How many times have I had to be brave and be strong so that my parents cannot see me cry and feel sad themselves?

I know, it's not my mother, but in this auntie I felt the closest resemblance to the dear mother I have lost. And in saying goodbye, in watching her disappear in the crowd of passengers, I was reminded of that heart wrenching loss I feel. It was so bitter, and yet so sweet to feel. Who would have known an act of kindness and gesture to help a friend would turn around to make me feel this pain and this sense of longing and loss inside?

What I would do to have the opportunity for another word with mum, for the chance to hug her and show and tell her how much I care about her.... What I would give to have the opportunity to say a final goodbye and send her peacefully on her way with the knowledge that she will be safe again. Those moments at the airport made me think of the characters in the fictional town of "The call from heaven", where several people began receiving calls from their loved ones abd from the deceased.

I stood around for close to twenty minutes and followed with my eyes this auntie every step of the way. I noticed she got held up. I saw her carryon being flipped open and a security officer go through everything inside. She gestured to me. She looked nervous. And next I knew, the security officer walked toward me and crossed the secure area and beckoned me to get closer. He smiled at me and handed me a folded Swiss knife with a bottle opener all in one. "Can't take that onboard, I'm afraid!" I took the "deadly" device and pocketed it. 

I looked up, and the auntie smiled at me. 

I waved and gestured a thumbs up to her, trying to let her know I have it and will keep it safe. I watched as she put on her boots her, her jacket and packed her carryon again. She stood out from the crowd. Not only because she likes to dress colourfully, but because she was a reminder of my mother. She is a mother, on her way to visit her child and have a reunion. In her purse is a card I wrote to my friend. On the card, I wished my friend a wonderful reunion and hoped that she would cherish the moments together with her mum (even if its just wandering around the aisles of the local supermarket...). Because moments with your mother are precious. Because moments with a loved one are limited, and once gone are lost forever.

Nightmares

Studying has been such a struggle, a painful struggle. Why? Because I'm not interested, at all... Because I'm not into the law! 

Why am I even doing this, for what reason? For what purpose? For whom?

 Is this why I try to do everything but study for  an exam that I don't even want to do? 

I just feel like napping, sleeping, napping and sleeping... And that's what I do. 

And i dream...

I see my family, I see my mum, whom I miss so much. I see my brother, my home in Europe, my cat who passed away in October. I see all that I miss, all that I treasured in life....

I see them all, and I long to be there with them. There in this image of reality which only appears when i sleep. is this why i sleep so much?  Is this why So  i can escape and hope to join them in the world of dreams?

Nap dream...

I saw both my parents again.

It was so real, FELT so real! The emotions, the scene, the way were spoke and behaved.
The tears...

We were having some sort of family reunion, all about to sit at the dinner table.
Dad was in his room, napping. Mum and I in the kitchen making the final touches to dinner. Brother was around somewhere, I think using his computer.

I felt it, I felt I was there.

It was too real... It felt so real.

I woke up drained and in tears again...

Another dream..

Another night of another dream with my parents in it leaving with me and gasping for meaning and trying to make sense of it. As I stirred, I heard myself calling my parents: "Come.... Come..." (來喔...來喔...)

Tonight's was more of a struggle, unlike last nights which was bitter sweet. I saw my parents sweating and exerting great effort carrying things up and down stairs and escalators. It seemed to be dad's old office building, the main branch of the bank he worked in till retirement. He seemed to be lugging a flat screen tv, whereas my mum trailed behind with bags in her hands... At one point they had to pause and rest. They couldnt keep up.... They looked tired, panting and looked so frustrated. Dad stopped and put down what he was carrying and s aid he needed to make a call...

Yesterday, another dream. I saw myself with them. They looked so well, so healthy and relatively happy. I seemed to be trying yo persuade them to buy some airline frequent flier miles, ones you can use to redeem for award tickets. I was telling them the joys of flying in business class, how comfotsble it is, how you can literally fly around the world for the same price as an economy class ticket from north America to Asia... 

They looked moved, excited. I told them how they could go see my nephew in Europe, then come see me in Canada...

I woke up, and they disappeared. I longed for them. I called put for mum, for dad...

But of course they were not around.

They ha've not been around for a long time....

Second day of the new year

It's been over a year, perhaps even close to two , since I had more than two people at my place.  For the longest time, I felt closed off and felt it difficult to accept people into my own personal space.

Until tonight, and we ended up having a lovely evening at night playing board games and catching up. It's been so long, too long.

Earlier in the evening, a dinnner was organised by a friend who wanted to take a mutual friend's mum to dinner. This auntie has always been kind to me and every so often calls me up to ask me to drop by her place becasue she's got soup or cooked food for me. Taking her out to dinner is something we try to do on every holiday occassion.

It was a sumptuous feast, and in the end close to ten people sat around a round dinner table at a Chinese restaurant downtown. We ate and chatted, smiled and exchanged polite conversation. More often I, together with another friend, would be talking to auntie or trying to translate so she doesn't feel left out.

At the end of the, together with a smaller and more closely knit group, I headed back home. I found the joy of hosting again, the joy of making sure everyone's glass/cup (stomach!) is filled. Joy of trying to give everyone a place where we can bond and share plesant company and be merry. It is a special feeling that it is at my own home. And in many ways, my sweet little cat made the gathering even more lively with her curoiousity and endless exhibition of cuteness.

Hours went by, and before we knew it, it was past one. For most of the day, the home of  a friend and his daughter has been plagued with a blackout, one that the electricity company kept on saying will be fixed. Four hours turned into eight, turned into twelve, and as of this moment, is going into the eighteenth hour.

I told my friend to just stay, as I have two spare rooms. He wanted to go back, as he felt like he was intruding. But we tried to tell him how dangerous it is to go back to a home that is unheated.

Five years I have been in Canada, and never have I experienced temperatures as frigid as what we ha've been experiencing. Tonight , it was -26C, but with the wind chill, of deels like -38C. Last night, it felt like -42C. It is simply freezing. Freezing to the extent you don't want to do anything, and I've been struggling to keep awake because the body really feels like its hibernating (being depressed is not helping either...).

These temperatures are extreme, especially so early on in winter. But elsewhere in Canada, its even worse, for in Winnipeg apparently they experienced temperatures colder than the surface of Mars... This is not human....

Eventually my friend and his daughter stayed, and I quickly made their beds and made sure everyone could get ready for some sleep before I lay down.

I provably slept an hour or so before I woke up and could not sleep any longer I lay awake twisting and turning. Next to my was the ex, fast asleep and slightly snoring. In the room across the hallway was the friend who was definitely knocked out. His snore was like a storm or a factory machine hard at work.

I twisted and turned, and felt hemmed in by two people snoring. How could they sleep so soundly (literally...) whereas I'm so easily woken and disturbed by noise? Ironic that I, the one who normally lives here, is the one who cannot sleep while the others Im sheltering for the night are soundly sleeping.

An hour or so and it is morning.... Time for them to wake up. Time for me to sleep!

Happy 2014...

New years came and went...  No fanfare, no celebrations, no festivities. I prefer not to, I chose not to. Instead, perhaps more symbolic than anything else (but I certainly hope not...) I studied from the eve of 2013 through to the first hour of 2014. It is a resolution, of sorts, to study and finally finish once and for all, the law exams that have been taking much too long. Exams that I began as mum;s health waned, one of which I tried to study so hard for the month or so she passed away, and that I have been struggling, really terribly struggling to complete one by one.

What do I wish for in 2014 ? I was told it will be the most difficult year, especially seen from the Chinese zodiac point of view. Perhaps the worst year in a cycle of 12 years. After 2012, the year of losing my mother, after 2013 the year I've so struggled to overcome loss and to move on, while at the same time losing the two stuffed animals dearest to me (and my very first pet...) all I want is some semblance of peace and sanity, and love...

I wish for peace and tranquility, wish that I can weather whatever difficulties are to come my way. Do I not deserve  a break? Do I not deserve some lightness, some kind of joy, real joy, real contagious joy that will endure and lift the burdens of loss and mourning?

And I wish for love, and that my heart is open to love. Love to infuse me with energy, encouragement, support and intimacy... Love that is needed to relight that flame of passion and drive that I know I harbour within, that undying flame of dedication and care I demonstrated in caring for loved ones till the very end. I know I have it in me, but the flame has for over a year now become so dim and almost dying. I need love to remind myself that I am a valuable person who is loving and deserves to be loved.

And as always, as every year and every day when I sit and meditate, I wish peace, warmth, love and compassion to my friends (especially this one person...), to my family and relatives, and to the world.

May it be a happy year for all.
May all be free and free from suffering.

New year's eve

Eight hours or so till the new year. What are I going to be doing, where will I be when the clock strikes midnight? I dont know. I just want a quiet moment by myself , or with closely knit friends.

I don't know why I am so tired, so wary of celebrations and merrymaking. Just exhausted when I think about being surrounded by people and having to pretend all is well and happy. It takes so much effort, so much energy.

But it seems wanting to be by yourself makes you a social outcast, makes you strange and unwieldy.

Mama

We were crowded in a small space, and there were bare furnishings and bare walls. Mum and dad were there, as were brother and his wife. Somehow there was tension in the room, as of tbere had been an argument...

Dad sat and sulked and ignored the rest of us. Mum sat on a bench and looked down and sad. I paced around, tiptoeing around but inside I was thinking of ways to bring everyone together again... I don't know why I had flowers with me, white cornations with pink rims. There were for mothers day, I knew this much.

I plucked a stem and held it in my hand. I walked around with it. I was nervous and cautious. I didndt want to upset anyone with anything, not with all the tensions in the room.

I offered it to mum. The one thing I heard myself say out loud before I woke myself was "Mama..." It was a sound of longing and mellow pain. It was the sound of a child calling for his mother yet knowing the call will not be answered. 

"We make our own magic..."

The Office

What's been keeping me sane these past few weeks is discovering the beauty and laughter in the hit-comedy series, The Office. It's touching, romantic, and the characters are so very real. 
Ten years the show ran for, and only ended earlier this year. A classic quote...

"No matter what happens, you got forget about all the other stuff. You got to forget about logic, and fear and doubt. You just got to do everything you can to get to the one [person] who's gonna  make all this worth it. At the end of the day, you gotta jump..."
The Office

Seeing mum and dad again

Mum was next to me, smiling, laughing...
Dad stood by my side, and he too smiled...

We were together again, together, like we used to be. Traveling together like a family again, like they never ever left.

Anything is possible in a dream. Anything.

The dead become alive again, the long lost lover lies by your side again, the lonely becomes loved and comforted.

Anything is possible in a dream.

When you wake up from the dream, the pain of reality is unbearable.

Maybe this Christmas

http://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=JITHqWLhj3M&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DJITHqWLhj3M%26feature%3Dyoutube_gdata_player

Watching the Polar Express , one of my favourite Christmas movies of all times. It's a riveting, sweeting, loving and fantastical tale about children, toys and dreams come true.

A friend invited me to his place, saved me from Christmas eve spent alone at home, something I felt I could face. This season is not easy, but lucky I have dear friends who take me in.

There were moments I felt this pain... This is such a family-oriented holiday, such a holiday filled with the symbolism of love and spirit of giving. And i miss nu parents dearly. (For some reason my brother has not called, even though I sent them such an expensive package of goodies...)

Sitting next to the tree that I helped decorate a few weeks back, I am filled with this longing again. Longing for family, for finding this signifisnt other I can fully care and cherish, and who can fill me with the courage and strength to pick myself up and move forward. Life is a constant struggle on your own. Life feels so heavy and so meaningless at times when you are on you own and trying to figure things out without much parental guidance or emotional support...

Yes, I am very fortunate to have food, friends and warmth on this cold cold day.
But do we all have a right to dream, to believe in miracles on this most magical day of the year?

Maybe this Christmas...
Maybe this Christmas...

Isa

I never met the girl, but I cried when my friend told me that she passed away.

For over a year, she's been battling brain tumour. How beautiful she is, how brave. I rmember the shock to my friend when he said to me a classmate of his sudden was diagnosed. Stage IV , I believe, last year. She went through surgery, treatments, and her family and friends rallied around her. My friend even shaved his head to stand in solidarity with her, in a campaign called "you save, I shave". It was touching.

Last year, when I went to India on my little pilgrimage, I prayed for her and got her a bracelet from the Middle Land. And anynomously, I donated some money to the campaign to provide her better treatment and allow her to enjoy herself and laugh and forget that she's fighting this terrible illness.

My friend said she passed away. My heart sunk, and felt how the family, how her newlywed husband must be paining. It is extremely sad, and I know very well the pain.

I know very well the void and the horrible longing and missing. How tired they must be after this long struggle, how very tired.

Now she is gone. No more illness, no more pain... Free now, free from suffering. Left on earth, are the loved ones who must now hurt and learn to move forward.

And what a long, long and difficult process it is.

Fallen Phone

I cleared the balcony of my second floor duplex apartment before heading out. Lots of snow has accumulated, and over the course of the weekend, I've had to clear snow three times. 

Some snow had clumped, like cat litter, with the ice storm that's been wreaking havoc throughout most of southern Ontario and Quebec. So the clumped bits of ice were hard to clear, and I had to strain and use more weight of my body to get rid of them. If I don't, I'm always afraid my neighbour below may get injured from unexpected falling ice.

I leaned on the broom and scrubbed as hard as I could. Clumps of ice fell to the little yard below and punctured the metre or so of snow and ice. Then something long and silver came hurtling out of my jacket pocket. It flew downward like a frisbee and sliced through the snow mound below. There was a visible thin slit cut through.

"Oh, God!" I thought to myself. I'm not a materialistic one. Goodness no. I've lost so many dear things in the past year or so, I know loss is just part of it all. But it was my new HTC  phone, one I'm so proud to own (it was voted phone and gadet of the year, contrary to neighsayers like my brother...). And it wasn't cheap, especially as I had it shipped in from overseas. 

I ran down the flight of stairs (thank goodness I'd cleared the snow the night before...) And wanted to climb over my neighbour fence. I felt uneasy, and it crossed my mind to first ring theit door first. But I was worried about the phone getting wet or too iced abd about "cold" damage. So I just spread my legs and crossed into the snow mound. My legs sunk right in. Close to my waist, whixh is almost a meter. I felt my jeans and boots get damp. I dug into the snow, following the place where my phone made its mark. I dug and felt my fingers turn cold and quickly numb. I felt around. Nothing. I felt a bit more. Sheets of ice I felt and grabbed onto which crumbled in my fingers. Then suddenly something solid. How relieved I was to feel something metallic. 

I quickly hauled it out. My phone. It was moist and felt cold. I quickly wiped it as best I could. I turned on the lock screen. It was working. Someone had called but I missed it (turned out to be my ex...). 

I put the phone in the pocket next to my chest. To warm it up, lest it get hypothermia.

You have to be able to laugh at the mishaps in life. You have to appreicate how life makes fun of you and holes with you. 

Betweeb Mum and dad

We were walking up this hill together, mum, dad and I. At one point, even hand in hand. They appeared to be older, at least older than they ever became before in real life.

It seemed to be some kind of temple we were heading for, some kind of sacred temple or burial ground. I walked slowly with them, at points helping them up the steep hill. They smiled at me and we exchanged glances.

We came to this memorial of sorts. There were picture of different people, some really happy looking, other at the end of their life, looking frail and ill. I walked ahead a few steps and stopped in front of a picture of mum.

She sat on the edge of the bed, dressed up beautifully and wrapped with a large grey shawl. She looked so elegant, so delightful. I turned back to see my parents approach. I smiled at them, and gestured for them to look at the picture.

They smiled...

They smiled.

I woke up crying again.

Signing in...

 

I had to sign in to skype today, something I do only once or twice a month these days. Before, I would sign in once a day, at the very least to call  mum.  

I went through a list of my contacts, as a relative asked if I have the details of a family friend. And then I saw mum's profile. Mum's still on my list. I clicked on her profile and enlarged her picture. It's one she took of herself using the video camera I installed for her when I taught her how to use skype three, four years ago. Her status? "Trying the new pad", a reference to when I got her a new pad days before  my birthday (literally, her "birth-date", date of giving birth...) in 2012. Mum would use that pad for four months or so before she left...

I could not stop crying.

I miss talking to mum so much.
I miss her care, her love. 

I miss having a human touch and compassion that is boundless.

It's bad enough that Christmas is coming in two days. I could not cope with the pain of loss and the loneliness of not having family close by. The continuing cold spell is making things even worse, so much that for two weekends in a row, I've just slept and slept and hid under the covers most of the time. It's not healthy, I know...

Awash with grief, I don't know what to do.

I really am dreading the coming few days, and I can't wait till the holidays are over so I can go back to work again.

I really wish I had a place I could go to and be where I do not feel judged or  self-conscious, where I can leave whenever I want to, where I can cry if I want to.

Travelling

I saw mum, and dad, and thety were so happy. We were walking around in a large department store, and it was so beautiful. We chatted we smiled, we laughed and joked...

Another scene... On the way to the airport. Mum is leaving somewhere on the plane. I was in that mood, that pre-departure mood. I went online to make sure she got an upgrade, and it went through without a problem. My ex appeared, together with a female friend. They were on the same flight. Somehow I wasn't going with them (to Canada).

I kept telling them to take care of mum, to watch over her and keep her safe.

When they finally left, I broke down and cried so hard...