Everything in its own time...
Now you have other things to worry and think about. Now is not the time to be weak and to wander around clinging onto the past.
Move on. Live, play, laugh and forget.
16 July 2011
15 July 2011
crying...
Mum's plane flew over my head. I knew it was her plane, it was the same airline, the same 777 widebody, and I've been checking the airport departure information, and it was around twenty minutes after the plane left the gate at 17.56hrs.
I don't know why it was so much harder seeing that plane fly over me, climb higher and higher and fly quicker and quicker abd further and further away... I could not control my tears. Seeing that plane, knowing mum is on board that very plane and really leaving, not knowing when I will see her again, was so difficult to digest. I felt my heart waver, and huge tears just plopped down on the park picnic table I was sitting on.
I have been through so many farewells at airports growing up. At one point I stopped crying. I thought I had grown up and that the tears have dried, or that I've stopped caring so much.
But somehow I started crying when that plane fly over me and disappeared into the vast blue, blue sky... Somehow, I feel so lonely inside and am crying still...
I don't know why it was so much harder seeing that plane fly over me, climb higher and higher and fly quicker and quicker abd further and further away... I could not control my tears. Seeing that plane, knowing mum is on board that very plane and really leaving, not knowing when I will see her again, was so difficult to digest. I felt my heart waver, and huge tears just plopped down on the park picnic table I was sitting on.
I have been through so many farewells at airports growing up. At one point I stopped crying. I thought I had grown up and that the tears have dried, or that I've stopped caring so much.
But somehow I started crying when that plane fly over me and disappeared into the vast blue, blue sky... Somehow, I feel so lonely inside and am crying still...
bidding farewell
I waved and waved again till she turned the corner. And so suddenly mum was gone. The smile that was there disappeared almost as soon as mum disappeared from sight.
Second time i have had to say farewell to a dear one in my life in a week. Walking in the terminal building, alone in a crowded corridor, I began to fill so empty inside, whereas my eyes were unexpectedly filling with tears. Where did this sudden sadness come from...?
I decided not to go home straight away, but to go plane spotting. At the place where exactly a week ago, with my friend, I saw the same plane that mum will be on take off, circle around and make its way to Europe...
I hope to catch a last glimpse of mum...
Second time i have had to say farewell to a dear one in my life in a week. Walking in the terminal building, alone in a crowded corridor, I began to fill so empty inside, whereas my eyes were unexpectedly filling with tears. Where did this sudden sadness come from...?
I decided not to go home straight away, but to go plane spotting. At the place where exactly a week ago, with my friend, I saw the same plane that mum will be on take off, circle around and make its way to Europe...
I hope to catch a last glimpse of mum...
Day before departure
Strolling down the street, I could overhear mum talking to a friend's mum behind me, saying how special I am, and how proud she is of me. I caught just words here and there, not that I was eavesdropping, but just within earshot. I walked on quicker so that the words became just garbled sounds I could not decipher.
It the night before mum's departure from Canada, her suitcase is not yet packed, but we have the day tomorrow to do just that. This time tomorrow, I will be sitting here alone by myself. Mum will have been long gone and far away over the Atlantic. All that will remain is her scent on the bed I offered her to sleep on...
I think she will miss Canada, a place she has been growing more fond of with every passing day. Most of all, I think she will miss me, and the little things that I have tried to do for her to make her feel at ease and comfortable. She tells me, and has told me many times, she sees and appreciates all the little things... constantly asking if she is hungry or thirsty, being concerned if the sores in her arms have returned, worried if she sleeps well at night, wondering whether she is feeling happy and enjoying herself... It is how I show my love and affection, and (despite the occasional grumpiness and impatience) there is much I can give when I can. She knows it. She feels it.
She was telling my friend's mum how special I have been, even as a child. I did not feel proud or full of myself hearing that. I just felt touched, very touched that my attempts to make mum feel loved and cared for have not gone unnoticed. All the little things I do, they are what I know to do best. They are the little gestures and intentions that replace the "I love you, mum", which I've always found difficult in saying out loud. Just now, I wrote to my brother, hoping that they can spend some precious, quality time together, and reminding him how lucky we are to have our mother to hold and to cherish.
Little does mum, who is lying next door and fast asleep, know that I have another little surprise for her before she leaves...
It the night before mum's departure from Canada, her suitcase is not yet packed, but we have the day tomorrow to do just that. This time tomorrow, I will be sitting here alone by myself. Mum will have been long gone and far away over the Atlantic. All that will remain is her scent on the bed I offered her to sleep on...
I think she will miss Canada, a place she has been growing more fond of with every passing day. Most of all, I think she will miss me, and the little things that I have tried to do for her to make her feel at ease and comfortable. She tells me, and has told me many times, she sees and appreciates all the little things... constantly asking if she is hungry or thirsty, being concerned if the sores in her arms have returned, worried if she sleeps well at night, wondering whether she is feeling happy and enjoying herself... It is how I show my love and affection, and (despite the occasional grumpiness and impatience) there is much I can give when I can. She knows it. She feels it.
She was telling my friend's mum how special I have been, even as a child. I did not feel proud or full of myself hearing that. I just felt touched, very touched that my attempts to make mum feel loved and cared for have not gone unnoticed. All the little things I do, they are what I know to do best. They are the little gestures and intentions that replace the "I love you, mum", which I've always found difficult in saying out loud. Just now, I wrote to my brother, hoping that they can spend some precious, quality time together, and reminding him how lucky we are to have our mother to hold and to cherish.
Little does mum, who is lying next door and fast asleep, know that I have another little surprise for her before she leaves...
12 July 2011
Gone whaling
Our Zodiac circulated the waters around where the Fjord of Saguenay met the mighty St Laurent River and the inflowing currents of the Atlantic Ocean. It is here that every year from May to October, whales congregate to feed on the abundance of plankton and shrimps that get trapped in deep cavern-like terrain under the sea. A whale could easily feed on 4 tonnes of plankton, shrimps and fish a day, feeding up to twenty hours, for four, five months before they move on.
At least half a dozen whales I caught glimpses off. Often, it would be the captain or another fellow passenger who would shout and point out in a certain direction after attentively scouring the surface of the sea to and suddenly seeing water vapour blowing into the air. All eyes would then turn that way, sometimes only to see a tiny bit of the whale's body surface. Sometimes it's a dorsal fin, but most often just the smooth back of the majestic creatures. Rarely, if you are lucky, you get to see the entire tail surface and then quickly disappear.
As whales can stay submerged for up to twenty minutes or so before needing to breathe, it is a game of waiting and being lucky in looking in the right direction at the right moment. It could surface a few hundred metres away, and the next time it could surface even further away or perhaps just dozens of metres off of the boat. At times I wondered whether the whales knew what we were trying to do, and were toying with us by playing a clever game of hide and seek. How little and humbled I felt being so close to such a large, yet graceful and gentle creature of nature.Fog set in, and soon we were surrounded and blinded. The trained captain with thirty years of experience under his cap sped in a direction where he knew whales are likely to appear. We all began to get drenched from the sudden downpour, and the sea wind felt bitterly cold. But even circling the seas seemingly senselessly and directionlessly, it was all worth it for just another glimpse, another close encounter with Earth's largest and one of the most intelligent mammals.
Wandering thoughts
Surrounded by all this beauty, all this nature... I am so far from everything, and yet my mind keeps on making circles and dwelling on the same thoughts.
Love, loss, regrets, frustrations, dreams and imaginations of having stability and a beautiful home, fears of what to do next and what changes will influence my life in the coming months...
Surrounded by all this beauty, seeing all that the world has to offer in its naturalness, in its rawness, and yet my mind is elsewhere. Anywhere but here.
Love, loss, regrets, frustrations, dreams and imaginations of having stability and a beautiful home, fears of what to do next and what changes will influence my life in the coming months...
Surrounded by all this beauty, seeing all that the world has to offer in its naturalness, in its rawness, and yet my mind is elsewhere. Anywhere but here.
11 July 2011
in Quebec City
A light shower dampens the hot summers day, and brings in the cool evening breeze. Sitting on the ferry ghat crosses the mighty St Laurent and offers a magnificent view of the Old Town of Quebec, with Chateau Frontenac towering over the river.
It is a calming sight. An ancient city that reminds me so much of medieval Europe, with it's narrow crowded streets, little houses, cafes and bistros, and cobblestones. I feel like I'm back in time, back to places I have been to as a child and that have often filled me with a fascination and awe of the past. Beautiful ornate church spires, artisan workshops (now gift shops selling local arts and crafts), green squares with flowing fountains and wishing wells.
I walked the streets by myself after dinner, as mum has already retired to our room. It's my quiet time alone, which I enjoy thoroughly, for it gives me the chance to look back at the day and reflect a little. The city puts on a romantic glow at night, especially as the deserted streets carry a quiet calm that contrasts much with the hordes of tourists during the day. That romantic feeling is especially strong when I close my eyes and imagine being able to share the sights and sounds with another.
We walked around the Old Town a bit after arriving close to noon. The weather turned and it began to storm, so we spent a good deal of the afternoon lounging in bed and enjoying the pool. For lunch and dinner I took mum to restaurants serving local delicacies- duck, pheasant, bison and the like. All part of the rich experience I would like mum to have in these last few days in Canada.
She has little idea how much effort (and yes, money) I'm spending to give her the full experience. But that's not really important if I can see that she is smiling contently when she falls asleep after a long, full day.
And today, again, she said she is really beginning to like Canada, which made me feel so happy inside.
It is a calming sight. An ancient city that reminds me so much of medieval Europe, with it's narrow crowded streets, little houses, cafes and bistros, and cobblestones. I feel like I'm back in time, back to places I have been to as a child and that have often filled me with a fascination and awe of the past. Beautiful ornate church spires, artisan workshops (now gift shops selling local arts and crafts), green squares with flowing fountains and wishing wells.
I walked the streets by myself after dinner, as mum has already retired to our room. It's my quiet time alone, which I enjoy thoroughly, for it gives me the chance to look back at the day and reflect a little. The city puts on a romantic glow at night, especially as the deserted streets carry a quiet calm that contrasts much with the hordes of tourists during the day. That romantic feeling is especially strong when I close my eyes and imagine being able to share the sights and sounds with another.
We walked around the Old Town a bit after arriving close to noon. The weather turned and it began to storm, so we spent a good deal of the afternoon lounging in bed and enjoying the pool. For lunch and dinner I took mum to restaurants serving local delicacies- duck, pheasant, bison and the like. All part of the rich experience I would like mum to have in these last few days in Canada.
She has little idea how much effort (and yes, money) I'm spending to give her the full experience. But that's not really important if I can see that she is smiling contently when she falls asleep after a long, full day.
And today, again, she said she is really beginning to like Canada, which made me feel so happy inside.
10 July 2011
Plans
We all need to make plans. It gives our lives some kind of order. It gives us something to work toward. It gives us hope that we can achieve something when we set our minds and hearts to it. And for mum, I think plans will be important to make sure she lives a fulfilling and happy life.
Mum and I were talking today. Ever since her retirement, she has been in and out of hospital until a month ago. It is a month to the day that she embarked on her long awaited trip. Time really has flown by, and we are already in the last week of her stay here in Canada. Off to the Netherlands next, where she will stay for some time, how long exactly is yet unknown.
...but what about after that? I said I really hope she can think about what she would like to do. What about moving here for a little while, I asked. Despite the turbulent first week here (especially because of our arguments), she has been telling me that she is beginning to enjoy life here more as she gets to know the neighbourhood and the city. Of course there are details to be worked out, and I don't think I could live with her for a long time under one roof (which she understands and accepts), but it would be nice if she could be closer by, at least for some period of time. It would really save me the hassle and interruptions of having to travel to see her so often.
But then again, staying in Canada will be somewhat more complicated, for not even I have any status here (yet?). So I said perhaps she can consider going back to live in Europe, at least for a short stay every year. She wouldn't want to live with my brother and his new family, but it would be feasible to have a little place close by where they live, so they can check up on her once or twice a week. With the new baby reporting in soon, I said it would be wonderful for her to be surrounded by her first grandchild, and that it would give her lots of joy seeing and being with a baby.
She will consider these options, and of course, they are just ideas. A lot of things and plans depend on her health condition, and whether her tumour will spread or not. But I told her again and again, it would do her good to get out of the apartment she lives in in Taiwan, to get away from the crowds of people, from the polluted and noisy city life, and, at least for some time during the year, go live somewhere peaceful. It will do her health and her mind much good, and it would also put my mind more at ease.
In a way, I am telling her all this, and hoping mum would make plans for her future because I genuinely wish she could find stability and happiness in her later life. She has the means, the freedom to travel and go wherever she wishes, so why not take advantage of that, and live, and most importantly live happily?
In another way, perhaps for selfish reasons, I hope she can be settled down in a comfortable and good environment so I can be more reassured and not to have to worry so much. The selfish reason being that really, after all this flying back and forth, after a lot of delays to my studies and future plans, I would so much like to get a start. Spending time with her is pleasant, but it can be tiring and at the end of the day, when compared to my friends and classmates who seem so advanced in their lives and careers, I feel sometimes useless and somewhat ashamed of what I am doing (or not doing...)
We can make plans, we can imagine what wonder things can happen when plans come together. But in the end, the whatever will be will be.
Mum and I were talking today. Ever since her retirement, she has been in and out of hospital until a month ago. It is a month to the day that she embarked on her long awaited trip. Time really has flown by, and we are already in the last week of her stay here in Canada. Off to the Netherlands next, where she will stay for some time, how long exactly is yet unknown.
...but what about after that? I said I really hope she can think about what she would like to do. What about moving here for a little while, I asked. Despite the turbulent first week here (especially because of our arguments), she has been telling me that she is beginning to enjoy life here more as she gets to know the neighbourhood and the city. Of course there are details to be worked out, and I don't think I could live with her for a long time under one roof (which she understands and accepts), but it would be nice if she could be closer by, at least for some period of time. It would really save me the hassle and interruptions of having to travel to see her so often.
But then again, staying in Canada will be somewhat more complicated, for not even I have any status here (yet?). So I said perhaps she can consider going back to live in Europe, at least for a short stay every year. She wouldn't want to live with my brother and his new family, but it would be feasible to have a little place close by where they live, so they can check up on her once or twice a week. With the new baby reporting in soon, I said it would be wonderful for her to be surrounded by her first grandchild, and that it would give her lots of joy seeing and being with a baby.
She will consider these options, and of course, they are just ideas. A lot of things and plans depend on her health condition, and whether her tumour will spread or not. But I told her again and again, it would do her good to get out of the apartment she lives in in Taiwan, to get away from the crowds of people, from the polluted and noisy city life, and, at least for some time during the year, go live somewhere peaceful. It will do her health and her mind much good, and it would also put my mind more at ease.
In a way, I am telling her all this, and hoping mum would make plans for her future because I genuinely wish she could find stability and happiness in her later life. She has the means, the freedom to travel and go wherever she wishes, so why not take advantage of that, and live, and most importantly live happily?
In another way, perhaps for selfish reasons, I hope she can be settled down in a comfortable and good environment so I can be more reassured and not to have to worry so much. The selfish reason being that really, after all this flying back and forth, after a lot of delays to my studies and future plans, I would so much like to get a start. Spending time with her is pleasant, but it can be tiring and at the end of the day, when compared to my friends and classmates who seem so advanced in their lives and careers, I feel sometimes useless and somewhat ashamed of what I am doing (or not doing...)
We can make plans, we can imagine what wonder things can happen when plans come together. But in the end, the whatever will be will be.
Friend's comment
"I'm so happy your mum made it," he said, "She looks well and peaceful."
It was at that moment that I realised what a journey it has been.
Crossing the Pacific, the Rockies, crossing Canada to get to the place where I call home. There have been ups and downs, for sure. There have been such testing, such difficult moments that threw me (and mum) into despair and fear, but we overcome them.
And we made it in the end. Mum is happy, now at this very moment. Happy. And nothing can take away that happiness.
Happiness that is infectious, that can cure and heal. Happiness that I hope will last and be remembered forever and forever.
It was at that moment that I realised what a journey it has been.
And we made it in the end. Mum is happy, now at this very moment. Happy. And nothing can take away that happiness.
Happiness that is infectious, that can cure and heal. Happiness that I hope will last and be remembered forever and forever.
farewell
The guy hugged his partner tightly , unwilling to let go. it was obvious there were tears in his reddened eyes. They kissed one another on the cheeks, once, twice, three times, four times, hard to let go as they hands explored one another's bodies. It was a bright, beautiful morning, yet two people before me were saddened by their imminent separation.
What the circumstances of their separation are, how long they have known one another, or even the true nature of their relationship, I will never know. But from their body language, from the way they kept waving to one another as the second man boarded the same bus I was on, it was obvious their love, their affection for one another was deep.
Why was the one crying, I will never know. Out of longing or loss? out of that emptiness that is beginning to grow when the other person is slowly getting further and further away? The true reasons only they know. It is like their little secret, something special that ties them together, and no stranger or onlooker can ever hope to understand or appreciate.
I saw my friend off, just as he saw me off some two months ago as I headed home. Some intense last minute packaging and cleaning, and too few hours of sleep has overwhelmed me. We fell asleep next to one another, naked. I don't remember if our skins was in contact with one another throughout the night, but morning came all too hurriedly, and all too quickly. Now I feel like a zombie longing for some good rest.
What is on your mind, he kept on asking me as we headed to the airport. I'm not really sure. There was something, but I'm not sure how to put it all together in a coherent thought or sentence, especially not after too little sleep, and before a farewell.
We said goodbye and hugged one another, again and again. I kissed him on the forehead and the cheeks, he gave me a little ear nibble. No lips this time, for it would be too weird and uncomfortable, perhaps. No tears, no sense of longing or missing, at least not yet.
Was I subdued, as he put it? Subdued due to the fatigue, or by something else? I'm not sure. He'll only be away be two weeks or so, and it'll be a good time to collect myself, clean up my life after all the comings and goings of the last two months. I look forward to time apart, to have my own space and time to breathe and meditate. Time figure out things in my mind, and move forward.
My friend passed through security, and I watched from a distance. What did I feel at that moment, besides being tired? I saw him get him bag after passing through the metal detector. He dis not look back, though I hoped he would, to turn back and wave, or smile. But he walked away, turned a corner and disappeared into the crowd. I lost him. And he lost me.
I have seen many people in my life through the same obscure angle at an airport as they gradually leave. Next week, when mum leaves, it will be another departure from my life.
Life, so often filled with people, sounds, obligations and emotions, quietens down once in a while. And it is at these moments that you realise, however beautiful the shared moments are together with another person, in the end you go through life alone, and must find peace with that.
What the circumstances of their separation are, how long they have known one another, or even the true nature of their relationship, I will never know. But from their body language, from the way they kept waving to one another as the second man boarded the same bus I was on, it was obvious their love, their affection for one another was deep.
Why was the one crying, I will never know. Out of longing or loss? out of that emptiness that is beginning to grow when the other person is slowly getting further and further away? The true reasons only they know. It is like their little secret, something special that ties them together, and no stranger or onlooker can ever hope to understand or appreciate.
I saw my friend off, just as he saw me off some two months ago as I headed home. Some intense last minute packaging and cleaning, and too few hours of sleep has overwhelmed me. We fell asleep next to one another, naked. I don't remember if our skins was in contact with one another throughout the night, but morning came all too hurriedly, and all too quickly. Now I feel like a zombie longing for some good rest.
What is on your mind, he kept on asking me as we headed to the airport. I'm not really sure. There was something, but I'm not sure how to put it all together in a coherent thought or sentence, especially not after too little sleep, and before a farewell.
We said goodbye and hugged one another, again and again. I kissed him on the forehead and the cheeks, he gave me a little ear nibble. No lips this time, for it would be too weird and uncomfortable, perhaps. No tears, no sense of longing or missing, at least not yet.
Was I subdued, as he put it? Subdued due to the fatigue, or by something else? I'm not sure. He'll only be away be two weeks or so, and it'll be a good time to collect myself, clean up my life after all the comings and goings of the last two months. I look forward to time apart, to have my own space and time to breathe and meditate. Time figure out things in my mind, and move forward.
My friend passed through security, and I watched from a distance. What did I feel at that moment, besides being tired? I saw him get him bag after passing through the metal detector. He dis not look back, though I hoped he would, to turn back and wave, or smile. But he walked away, turned a corner and disappeared into the crowd. I lost him. And he lost me.
I have seen many people in my life through the same obscure angle at an airport as they gradually leave. Next week, when mum leaves, it will be another departure from my life.
Life, so often filled with people, sounds, obligations and emotions, quietens down once in a while. And it is at these moments that you realise, however beautiful the shared moments are together with another person, in the end you go through life alone, and must find peace with that.
09 July 2011
hugs
It's so beautiful to lie next to someone, especially someone you care a lot about.
Just lie there, perhaps arms over one another in a locked face-to-face hug as you feel the other person's breath on your cheeks, as you stroke softly the soft skin of the other person's naked body.
There's something so magical, so miraculous, so heart melting to be in the arms of another. I love it when I am behind someone in a spooning position, our bodies licked tightly together with as much skin contact as possible. I love it too when the other person is behind me, the crotch filling the nape of my buttocks, the legs intertwined, the person's arms locking together around my upper torso.
There is such a beautiful connection there, a connection like no other at that moment in time, at that place. Just two people lying together, blessed by the warmth of one another's touch and caress, fortunate enough to find in this vast, and oftentimes lonely, world another to hold, to cherish and to live and care for.
In that moment, all the world's troubles and noises seem to cease, all the whispering voices and nagging thoughts seem to be silenced. There is only the two beating hearts of two people beating ever faster, pushed on by the magical intimacy and contact that is being enjoyed. Questions of what is right or wrong seem irrelevant.
There is no past arguments, no future uncertainties or fears. Just this moment of two people lying next to one another and drowning perhaps the greatest and simplest pleasure this world has to offer.
It is so beautiful, hugging with another.
Fuss
I don't know why I seem to cause so much fuss about nothing. Why do I have to create trouble when there is none? I did it this morning with my mum, caused her some grief when I was distressed about some official business I needed to take care of. And I did it again this afternoon, ruining a perfectly beautiful bike ride together with my friend when I brought up how I felt some what uncomfortable about going on a trip together with him.
Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest.
Where is the problem? It is all within me, all caused by this distracted and disturbed mind of mine that is constantly at work, constantly wanting to please people, but in the end causing myself much distress and unrest.
06 July 2011
sitting by the seashore
Sitting alone by the seashore, watching the sun set. Across the water, lies the sprawl and tall buildings crowding the waterfront of Halifax. A half moon hangs high in the dimming sky. A salty sea breeze is blowing on my face, tickling my hair.
Another day almost gone, it's always nice to spend a bit of time alone by myself. To calm down, reflect and to tell myself that it's alright to be alone once in a while. But also, it's good to spend some time alone and away from mum, who can be very dependent and clingy, especially as she does not like to venture out and try new things. Partly it's the language barrier, but partly also because, as she said, she's losing that drive of life slowly.
Another week to go until the end of her stay here, and other than the two days of arguments and crying, things have generally been going well. Strangely, she seems to now take more interest in my friend, occasional asking me questions about him, which I find somewhat awkward to answer, especially as we are no longer together. They have met on separate occasions, and mum does think he is a pleasant and smart boy with good tastes. I'm not sure what to make of that, though.
I think she is slowly getting used to and enjoying life here, despite it being somewhat foreign and (in her words) less refined compared to Europe, where she has lived for many years. I think the natural beauty and vast open spaces of this land has left a deep impressions on her and she has said she'd like to return again.
Today, after visiting the museum of Canadian together, she started to reminisce our first steps away from our home land when I was still young, and the little memories, setbacks and accomplishments since we settled down in Europe. Seeing the writings and pictures of all those immigrants, sensing their excitement, and perhaps anxieties, about arriving in a new home, made mum and I relive some old memories. Hopefully one day soon, I will, like all those millions of immigrants who have landed on these shores, proudly say out loud that I am Canadian.
Another day almost gone, it's always nice to spend a bit of time alone by myself. To calm down, reflect and to tell myself that it's alright to be alone once in a while. But also, it's good to spend some time alone and away from mum, who can be very dependent and clingy, especially as she does not like to venture out and try new things. Partly it's the language barrier, but partly also because, as she said, she's losing that drive of life slowly.
Another week to go until the end of her stay here, and other than the two days of arguments and crying, things have generally been going well. Strangely, she seems to now take more interest in my friend, occasional asking me questions about him, which I find somewhat awkward to answer, especially as we are no longer together. They have met on separate occasions, and mum does think he is a pleasant and smart boy with good tastes. I'm not sure what to make of that, though.
I think she is slowly getting used to and enjoying life here, despite it being somewhat foreign and (in her words) less refined compared to Europe, where she has lived for many years. I think the natural beauty and vast open spaces of this land has left a deep impressions on her and she has said she'd like to return again.
Today, after visiting the museum of Canadian together, she started to reminisce our first steps away from our home land when I was still young, and the little memories, setbacks and accomplishments since we settled down in Europe. Seeing the writings and pictures of all those immigrants, sensing their excitement, and perhaps anxieties, about arriving in a new home, made mum and I relive some old memories. Hopefully one day soon, I will, like all those millions of immigrants who have landed on these shores, proudly say out loud that I am Canadian.
train journey
I fell asleep soon after lying down and pulling the blanket over me. But it was not too long, perhaps an hour or so later, before I woke up and had trouble sleeping.
The romantic feeling of being on a night train somehow had motives into fear, as I would be waken by sudden jolts and vibrations and loud squeaking and clanking of the metallic carriage. I remember lying in my cabin, a little frightened, and also worried about whether mum was getting any sleep at all from all that motion and noise. I remember lying there a while and thinking i should knock on her door and give her earplugs. Bug I never did that, for I was afraid I would wake up her.
By four or five I was awake, and the sky was already brightening. Unable to sleep, I went up to the dome and watched as the day slowly broke.
So tranquil, so mesmerisingly beautiful with that thin, thin veil of morning mist over woods and patches of water. It reminded me of the scenery of morning break at the monastery I stayed at for a ten day retreat last year.
The romantic feeling of being on a night train somehow had motives into fear, as I would be waken by sudden jolts and vibrations and loud squeaking and clanking of the metallic carriage. I remember lying in my cabin, a little frightened, and also worried about whether mum was getting any sleep at all from all that motion and noise. I remember lying there a while and thinking i should knock on her door and give her earplugs. Bug I never did that, for I was afraid I would wake up her.
By four or five I was awake, and the sky was already brightening. Unable to sleep, I went up to the dome and watched as the day slowly broke.
So tranquil, so mesmerisingly beautiful with that thin, thin veil of morning mist over woods and patches of water. It reminded me of the scenery of morning break at the monastery I stayed at for a ten day retreat last year.
04 July 2011
train to Halifax
There is a feeling I've always found to very romantic riding the rails. So beautifully romantic that it makes my skin crawl (in a pleasant way) and heart lightly swoon.
I don't know if it's the gentle rocking motion, or the muffled rumbling of metal wheels as scenery after scenery flashes by. More exciting is falling asleep to the rhythmic rocking and vibrations of the train as it speeds through the night, and the knowledge that when you wake up the next morning you're already hundreds of kilometers away.
Sitting alone on my bunk bed, which is separated by a wall from mum's cabin next door. It's very cost here, and seeing the made bed I had a feeling I'll sleep wonderfully tonight. Only pity is that I'm in the cabin alone (save for the two teddies my friend asked me to take along....). How exciting and arousing it would be, i imagine, to cuddle up next to someone on the small bed and rock ourselves to sleep with the train's swaying motion.
Friends of mine said I was insane to take this twenty two and a half hour journey ( especially as the plane would take only one hour), but like so often in life, the trip itself is the journey. I love train journeys, and have been fascinated by trains since a child. So this is another experience that I'll remember for a long time to come (though I've done part of this journey two years ago too)
Sitting in the glass dome of the panorama car at the end of the long train, I could not but again feel so lucky and blessed being able to take mum on this long, long journey. Mum has once again that contented look on her face, and she did say that she felt much better than earlier today.
Making more memories and hoping we can savour every moment of another trip together.
I don't know if it's the gentle rocking motion, or the muffled rumbling of metal wheels as scenery after scenery flashes by. More exciting is falling asleep to the rhythmic rocking and vibrations of the train as it speeds through the night, and the knowledge that when you wake up the next morning you're already hundreds of kilometers away.
Sitting alone on my bunk bed, which is separated by a wall from mum's cabin next door. It's very cost here, and seeing the made bed I had a feeling I'll sleep wonderfully tonight. Only pity is that I'm in the cabin alone (save for the two teddies my friend asked me to take along....). How exciting and arousing it would be, i imagine, to cuddle up next to someone on the small bed and rock ourselves to sleep with the train's swaying motion.
Friends of mine said I was insane to take this twenty two and a half hour journey ( especially as the plane would take only one hour), but like so often in life, the trip itself is the journey. I love train journeys, and have been fascinated by trains since a child. So this is another experience that I'll remember for a long time to come (though I've done part of this journey two years ago too)
Sitting in the glass dome of the panorama car at the end of the long train, I could not but again feel so lucky and blessed being able to take mum on this long, long journey. Mum has once again that contented look on her face, and she did say that she felt much better than earlier today.
Making more memories and hoping we can savour every moment of another trip together.
Returning sores
Woke up in the morning to the sun in my face. Slept late last night as I was out with friends.
Mum was up a few moments after I started making fresh juices for breakfast. She looked tired, and something was bothering her I could feel it.
The soreness and numbness in her left arm has returned again, and it's causing her great discomfort. I originally wanted to go out and spend some time with friends, but had to cancel.
We walked around looking for a place where she can get a massage, for back home she would go to one at least once a week. It helps her a lot, and makes her feel relaxed and gets her blood circulation going, which is important. And it's been almost a month since her last one, so her body is (almost literally) aching for it... Luckily, we managed to find a masseur just a few steps from my house, and mum is doing her massage as I type.
As we walked around, we talked a bit. Again she was in one of those strange moods. It was more than just her body causing her discomfort, I knew. And eventually she admitted it. She does not feel at ease being here, much less than if she were in Europe, she said. She doesn't know where to go, and says everything is in French, and I suspect also she feels that I am "abandoning" her when I make plans to meet friends.
I was already distraught by her returning sores, but again to be told that she is feeling uncomfortable here makes me really lost as what I can do. I'm not sure what I can do to entertain her, and I try to make the most of my time with her, but also long to see my friends occasionally because it has been such a long time since I interacted with my peers. I mean I have already spent so many weeks almost constantly by her side, and today we're taking a four day trip away together, and yet she still feels abandoned. What can I do then...? Can I no do anything at all without feeling guilty that she is all cooped up at home and feeling isolated in a foreign land? I have shown her places to go, things to do, and yet she will rarely venture further than the local park if I am not by her side...
I cannot blame her if she feels there is a language barrier and feels foreign here, but am I supposed to spend even more time with her and put off plans with my own friends? But I feel myself getting moody and more and more impatient when I am constantly at her side and constantly accompanying her. How can anyone not when you are with any person for a long time, even if it is your own mother?
However idealistic I imagined it, I never did imagine that bringing mum here to Canada would cause so much unease in her life, and also in mine...
Mum was up a few moments after I started making fresh juices for breakfast. She looked tired, and something was bothering her I could feel it.
The soreness and numbness in her left arm has returned again, and it's causing her great discomfort. I originally wanted to go out and spend some time with friends, but had to cancel.
We walked around looking for a place where she can get a massage, for back home she would go to one at least once a week. It helps her a lot, and makes her feel relaxed and gets her blood circulation going, which is important. And it's been almost a month since her last one, so her body is (almost literally) aching for it... Luckily, we managed to find a masseur just a few steps from my house, and mum is doing her massage as I type.
As we walked around, we talked a bit. Again she was in one of those strange moods. It was more than just her body causing her discomfort, I knew. And eventually she admitted it. She does not feel at ease being here, much less than if she were in Europe, she said. She doesn't know where to go, and says everything is in French, and I suspect also she feels that I am "abandoning" her when I make plans to meet friends.
I was already distraught by her returning sores, but again to be told that she is feeling uncomfortable here makes me really lost as what I can do. I'm not sure what I can do to entertain her, and I try to make the most of my time with her, but also long to see my friends occasionally because it has been such a long time since I interacted with my peers. I mean I have already spent so many weeks almost constantly by her side, and today we're taking a four day trip away together, and yet she still feels abandoned. What can I do then...? Can I no do anything at all without feeling guilty that she is all cooped up at home and feeling isolated in a foreign land? I have shown her places to go, things to do, and yet she will rarely venture further than the local park if I am not by her side...
I cannot blame her if she feels there is a language barrier and feels foreign here, but am I supposed to spend even more time with her and put off plans with my own friends? But I feel myself getting moody and more and more impatient when I am constantly at her side and constantly accompanying her. How can anyone not when you are with any person for a long time, even if it is your own mother?
However idealistic I imagined it, I never did imagine that bringing mum here to Canada would cause so much unease in her life, and also in mine...
03 July 2011
dream
An empty hotel room, all by myself. I know the place, somewhere downtown in Montreal. What I was doing there I did not know, but I had just woken up, and was wearing a suit that I did not bother to take off going to bed, so it was all wrinkled when I woke up.
I was alone, but someone else was in the room before, though the person had already left, leaving a terrible mess behind. Clothes everywhere, pieces of paper, rubbish all over the floor. The tv was on, quietly reporting the day's news... Wars, diseases, criminals, natural disasters.
I got up and went near the window. Looking down atthe street below I realised I was in Montreal. The sights appear so familiar, and yet all so foreign. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, or tried to smile. There was a scent in the air, perhaps of whoever had left in a hurry earlier before I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I heard myself say out loud: "Be happy! Whatever happens, nobody can take away your happiness!"
The last moment of the dream, I saw myself crouched down on the floor, cleaning up the mess, bit by by. On my face was the look if contentment, of gentle calm, while the tv continued to transmit images of chaos and violence...
I was alone, but someone else was in the room before, though the person had already left, leaving a terrible mess behind. Clothes everywhere, pieces of paper, rubbish all over the floor. The tv was on, quietly reporting the day's news... Wars, diseases, criminals, natural disasters.
I got up and went near the window. Looking down atthe street below I realised I was in Montreal. The sights appear so familiar, and yet all so foreign. I looked at myself in the mirror, smiled, or tried to smile. There was a scent in the air, perhaps of whoever had left in a hurry earlier before I woke up. I looked at myself in the mirror, and I heard myself say out loud: "Be happy! Whatever happens, nobody can take away your happiness!"
The last moment of the dream, I saw myself crouched down on the floor, cleaning up the mess, bit by by. On my face was the look if contentment, of gentle calm, while the tv continued to transmit images of chaos and violence...
Turning point
Talks over the last few days, and events over the past two months have really shaken me up.
Maybe it's a wake up call. Maybe it is all meant to give me a slap in the face and tell me to start living more, for myself and not for others.
Sometimes you place your hopes and dreams and all your efforts to making someone happy and well, but in the end nothing turns out the way you wish for. It can be frustrating and dissatisfying, and leave you wondering at the end of the day what it is all for, what it was all about.
Maybe it's a wake up call. Maybe it is all meant to give me a slap in the face and tell me to start living more, for myself and not for others.
Sometimes you place your hopes and dreams and all your efforts to making someone happy and well, but in the end nothing turns out the way you wish for. It can be frustrating and dissatisfying, and leave you wondering at the end of the day what it is all for, what it was all about.
You can only care so much about people around you, but you cannot make make them happy, you cannot change them and mould them to be the way you would like them to be. When you expect too much from others, when that expectation is not realised, and when there is disappointment, you end up hurting. Hurting, and crying, like I have done a lot in the past few days for a variety of reasons.
It is not that I should be selfish and stop caring about people I love and care about in my life. I just need some distance, and take the space and time for myself, to take care of myself, to love myself more, and figure out what it is that I want in life.
All the traveling around, all the little things I do to try to make people smile and feel touched; while they may be endearing, and while I may enjoy doing them, I should do more for myself to make myself smile and happy.
Most of all, I should be
01 July 2011
Breakdown again
For the second day in a row, I broke down in tears in front of mum. I could not control it... the whole day I have been miserable, been hearing the words said last night over and over again in my head, and been hurting. Many moments I was close to bursting out in tears, but I held back.
Until just now.
I don't think there was a time I felt this way, so utterly drained, so hurt, so cut deeply. I poured my heart out, told mum hold hurt I felt about our argument yesterday, told her about how I feel so rejected, especially when she says things like "It's your choice, as long as you're happy..."
Who else do I have now if I lost even my mother? The last month or so has been period of torments.... first an abrupt break up with my friend (and now with the awkward aftermath...), then dealing with the pains of mum's treatment and illness and spectre of death, and now this... Mum's inability to accept (at least for now...), and feeling guilty and responsible for causing mum hurt and disappointment, which in turn will affect her condition...
There is only so much a person can take. Have I reached that point? I wish I could just close my eyes and will everything, everyone away... I cry, and cry, and cry till there are no more tears.
And then there is calm.
Until just now.
I don't think there was a time I felt this way, so utterly drained, so hurt, so cut deeply. I poured my heart out, told mum hold hurt I felt about our argument yesterday, told her about how I feel so rejected, especially when she says things like "It's your choice, as long as you're happy..."
Who else do I have now if I lost even my mother? The last month or so has been period of torments.... first an abrupt break up with my friend (and now with the awkward aftermath...), then dealing with the pains of mum's treatment and illness and spectre of death, and now this... Mum's inability to accept (at least for now...), and feeling guilty and responsible for causing mum hurt and disappointment, which in turn will affect her condition...
There is only so much a person can take. Have I reached that point? I wish I could just close my eyes and will everything, everyone away... I cry, and cry, and cry till there are no more tears.
And then there is calm.
Post Created 2011-07-01 1:36:15
For the second time in a week, I feel my heart ache so much. my mind is troubled by uncertainty, longing and tears...
I cannot describe that deep, deep sense of abandonment and being alone.
It will pass, I know, but it is killing me...
I cannot describe that deep, deep sense of abandonment and being alone.
It will pass, I know, but it is killing me...
30 June 2011
Breakdown
I sat on the edge of the pavement, in the middle of the park, covered my eyes with my arm and sobbed. When was the last time I was so hurt, so deeply, deeply hurt? Mum stood a few steps away from me. Was she sobbing too, was she crying because I was? I didn't look up for a long time, and even if I did, the tears were like blinding waterfalls.
How did we come to this? What happened to those beautiful moments in the mountains? Where is that peace and serenity of staring at the blue, blue glacier-fed-lake surrounded by looming mountains and songs of birds? What happened to the joy of seeing all those fresh fruits and beautiful flowers at the market earlier in the day?
Mum's voice, having recovered over the past few days of rest, was close to being lost again from raising her voice and shouting. She was visibly upset, sad, angry, at something.
At me?
Yes, at me, for being gay, for being something I have no power of changing. The source of another argument, second one in two days, and this one did not just die down like last night’s. It lingered on and on as we strolled through the park after dinner. Perhaps I should have shut up, let her rant on about her sadness and disappointment of me being like "this". Perhaps I should let her express her immense difficulty to accept me at this stage, and just let things be… I do not expect her to come to terms with things easily and quickly, and perhaps I should not be so defensive and sarcastic... but I cannot bear to hear her saying that she wants to leave because she feels she is interfering with my life here.
Mum has no idea how long I have waited for this moment, to be with her here in Canada. After all that I have put myself through, after all I have done to make her feel loved and cared for, all the effort and time I have spent with her hoping she will recover her health and travel with me to a beautiful place, and leave all the worries behind… Today it is all lost in a violent, stormy fit of anger and tears.
I did not want to provoke her any further. All I knew how to deal with my confused and contorted emotions was just to sit on the pavement and cry. Cry... What have I not done? Have I not tried my very best to make her feel welcome and comfortable here? Have I not given her my bed, bought her so much delicious foods and made meals in the hope that she will regain her lost weight? I am not listing all the things I have done to prove that I am the perfect, filial and loving son... but what did I not do or what have I done to deserve being rejected and told that I am a disappointment?
I am hurt inside, angry even. I cannot change myself. Why should I change, for I have done no wrong! All I want is to be! To be and continuing being the caring and kind person I am, the caring and kind son I am, so what has changed, I asked her. Am I not still the same person? What have I done to make her feel so miserable here? It is all in her mind, her own happiness is in her own hands. If she wants to be miserable, even being surrounding by all the comforts I am hoping to give her, then she can be miserable. Is mum wants to be so attached to pain and hurt, even when surrounded by all this natural beauty and clean environment, then she will stay that way. I cannot change how she feels...
I can only wish her happiness and peace inside, and as I told her, it is all I wish for everytime I pray, everytime I meditate, everytime I kneel before the deities and my ancestors and make a wish. I may be hurt inside, but all I can think of is mum's happiness and wellbeing. It is not even my own wellbeing I care about, because I can forgive and harbour no ill feelings. I know tomorrow, next week, or perhaps one year from now I will recover, I will forget.
But I am so afraid, so very afraid that mum's anger and upset will cause her tumour to grow and grow... I am so afraid that her anger (and I am, willingly or unwillingly, the cause of that anger, even though I have done no wrong...) will cause those bad, bad cells to multiply and spread and kill her. The thought of that, the mere fear of that is enough to make me tear all over again....
I never meant to cause anyone pain or grief, especially not mum, especially not my parents who have given me so much, too much, I have to be grateful for. And I try, I try so hard to tell and show them how much I appreciate their sacrifices and hardships. But this one thing, me being “different”, me living an “alternative” life, disappoint them so. I do not have any ill vices, have always done my best in life and in school, and yet being gay seems to counterbalance everything else right I have done or ever been…
Come bedtime, I sat next to mum on her bed. Things have calmed down a little, and she was apologetic. “Many children your age would not take their parents on a trip, let alone welcome their parents into their homes so warm heartedly. Perhaps I should be laughing in the corner that my son is doing all that for me…”
I cried, and the tear dropped on my jeans with a big splash.
29 June 2011
Disappointment
"I'm not happy," mum said, "I want to go home early."
I have been feeling the whole day that something was wrong. I suspected what, but for a long time she did not say what, just looked down and watched her tv show.
I presses her for the reason why she's unhappy. I've done everything possible to make her feel comfortable. The entire trip has been to make her forget about her condition, to take her away from her life and see the world, to open her mind, open her heart to the world.
I've gone through much thought and effort planning trips, making plans, ensuring that she gets only the best of treatment there is, the beat kind of accommodation and travel arrangements. Not that I’m complaining, because if given a choice, I would do it all over again, for it is what I feel is right, for it is what I hope will bring her happiness and leave her with fond and beautiful memories of life. I spend almost every moment with her, making sure she doesn't feel too estranged from being abroad. I buy her lots of nutritious foods, foods high in antioxidants that will restore her health and energy... And yet she's not happy.
I don't know what else I can.
And then came the reason behind her unhappiness. She met my friend yesterday, and I stayed over at his place last night. "As long as you're happy, that's what important..." but she is feeling down as a result of seeing me living my life here fully out in the open.
She knows I'm gay, I've told her and spoke about it on several occasions. And before she has said many times that as long as I am happy, that matters most. But I guess coming here, entering my life and my home, this is the first time that she's experiencing my “alternative” lifestyle up close. The fact that I spent last night at my friend’s place (though ironically, we're not technically together at all) was probably trigger, and reminded her again that however wonderful son I am, however caring I am toward her, I can never settle down with a girl and have a dream wedding and give her grandchildren the way she would like it.
I told her that I have tried to be the best person I can be. I do not smoke, I do not have any weird or bad habits. I do not go out and have sex with strangers ever few days. All I would like in life, all I want is happiness, the pursuit of happiness, and hopefully being able to settle down with someone I love and who loves me to build a stable and loving life together. Does that make me different from any straight couple out there? Just because the object of my affection happens to be of the same gender, does that make me a deviant?
It’s sad to know that somehow I am making mum disappointed and unhappy. But I cannot change myself just to make her happy. Placing myself in her position, I can imagine why she feels disappointed with me. Especially coming from a ‘traditional’ society, I know she feels social pressure and is often asked by relatives and friends when I’m going to get married. And she has to avoid those questions, avoid proposals for daughters to be matched with me.
But I told out outright, as I have told her many times before, I cannot and will not change myself for her or anyone. I am happy with my life, happy with myself, and am starting to feel more and more confident with myself as I grow older (and wiser?). If my mum cannot accept me for who I am, I cannot do anything to change her state of mind. All I hope for is that she does not let this dwell in her heart and bother her mind too much. All I wish for her is her wellbeing and happiness. And in away I’m afraid that is she does let this bother her too much, the unhappiness, the disappointment will trigger a relapse and speed up the spreading of her tumour…
We talked things through, and I hugged her tightly as she went to bed. “Yesterday has already gone by,” she said before she lay down, meaning that it is all in the past.
27 June 2011
Post Created 2011-06-27 21:11:46
It's just sex, right? Just physical needs that need to be satisfied. Why think of whatever complications there may be at this point? Why think of what history there is between us? He wants it, I want it. We both have been longing for it, needing it so badly.
So what's wrong with indulging in a little fun...?
dinner get together
First get together since I got back from my time away. It's been a little over five weeks since I saw all of them. They seem to have not changed much- what do you expect after just five weeks?
It was pleasant to sit down and enjoy a meal together, catch up and chat. Somehow it seems like it's been far too long. Even though it's been only five weeks, it was the first time in this amount of tine I've been surrounded by people my own age. The interaction, conversation and things unspoken yet understood are of course very different compared to being around mum and relatives. I was tired, travel fatigue I would imagine, but it was still enjoyable.
A friend came up to me and said how inspired he was by the pictures of mum and I traveling. Asking about my travels, and listening to me explain, he seemed genuinely touched and had a little dampness in his eyes.
It is the second time that someone has said how taking mum traveling is such a moving thing to do, especially as for a while it was so uncertain whether it would happen at all. To the outside world, it looks so wonderful to be traveling through the Rockies, to stay at luxury hotels and go to fancy places.
Of course it is. But what they do not know, what people do not see behind the beautiful pictures, scenery and captured moments are those aggravating, excruciating moments of experiencing mum's illness and pains from close up.
I had to say goodbye quickly as I had a train to catch early in the morning. But as I said goodbye and left, I turned to look back at my friends sitting around the table. Such a warm and dynamic group of people. And I looked forward to more wonderful times to come with them as I continue my life here in Canada.
It was pleasant to sit down and enjoy a meal together, catch up and chat. Somehow it seems like it's been far too long. Even though it's been only five weeks, it was the first time in this amount of tine I've been surrounded by people my own age. The interaction, conversation and things unspoken yet understood are of course very different compared to being around mum and relatives. I was tired, travel fatigue I would imagine, but it was still enjoyable.
A friend came up to me and said how inspired he was by the pictures of mum and I traveling. Asking about my travels, and listening to me explain, he seemed genuinely touched and had a little dampness in his eyes.
It is the second time that someone has said how taking mum traveling is such a moving thing to do, especially as for a while it was so uncertain whether it would happen at all. To the outside world, it looks so wonderful to be traveling through the Rockies, to stay at luxury hotels and go to fancy places.
Of course it is. But what they do not know, what people do not see behind the beautiful pictures, scenery and captured moments are those aggravating, excruciating moments of experiencing mum's illness and pains from close up.
I had to say goodbye quickly as I had a train to catch early in the morning. But as I said goodbye and left, I turned to look back at my friends sitting around the table. Such a warm and dynamic group of people. And I looked forward to more wonderful times to come with them as I continue my life here in Canada.
Bikes
I woke up to the lingering smell of skunks in the air. It was close to five in the morning, time to wake up and prepare myself for the trip to Ottawa to renew my passport.
The sky was just brightening, pink and orange on the cloudy horizon. I was still in bed, my mind reeling the dreams I had during my sleep. There were bicycles, of different types and sizes, all going at different speeds. And I could see myself riding one in the crowd, racing perhaps. But I was not alone, for someone mum was on the same bike, and I was carrying her.
Utterly bizarre...
The sky was just brightening, pink and orange on the cloudy horizon. I was still in bed, my mind reeling the dreams I had during my sleep. There were bicycles, of different types and sizes, all going at different speeds. And I could see myself riding one in the crowd, racing perhaps. But I was not alone, for someone mum was on the same bike, and I was carrying her.
Utterly bizarre...
Confusion
I'm confused. There's something not being said, and I don't want to be the one bringing it up. I've said what I needed to say, long ago, before I left to go home in May.
There has been no reply, no clarification, confirmation or rejection of our status. I dont want to push him, but I need to know. What, or where, are we now?
Just jerk-off buddies who have the hots for one another? Today, seeing him, spending a little time alone with him, there was a lot of sexual tension, unreleashed for over five weeks already. But there was also caressing, and little kisses (or maybe I was imagining it...). Granted on the cheeks, forehead and elsewhere but the lips.
I hesitated, pulled back a little, even though he was enjoying it a lot. I enjoyed it, the foreplay, stroking, touching, that I do not deny. But I was apprehensive about going further.
There was no time to go further anyways, no time to make soft love and climax. But am I ready to go that far again with him, when after all this time, all i could be is still someone on the side, an option for him to explore?
I'd rather have nothing at all if that's the case. I'd feel cheap after all that we have gone through and since we broke up to just be a pleasurable sex buddy. The sex is intoxicating, drives my mind wild with ecstasy, but is it just that now, after all that we shared and had to break off abruptly because he was confused?
Giving in to sexual temptation now would cheapen our romance, however short lived it was. it would wipe away all those beautiful moments of the two, three months we were together for real, and just confirm that perhaps it was all just sexual tension and infatuation, and nothing more than that.
And I'd like to think it was not just a fantasy which seemed and felt so real and true and amazing, but was in fact empty.
There has been no reply, no clarification, confirmation or rejection of our status. I dont want to push him, but I need to know. What, or where, are we now?
Just jerk-off buddies who have the hots for one another? Today, seeing him, spending a little time alone with him, there was a lot of sexual tension, unreleashed for over five weeks already. But there was also caressing, and little kisses (or maybe I was imagining it...). Granted on the cheeks, forehead and elsewhere but the lips.
I hesitated, pulled back a little, even though he was enjoying it a lot. I enjoyed it, the foreplay, stroking, touching, that I do not deny. But I was apprehensive about going further.
There was no time to go further anyways, no time to make soft love and climax. But am I ready to go that far again with him, when after all this time, all i could be is still someone on the side, an option for him to explore?
I'd rather have nothing at all if that's the case. I'd feel cheap after all that we have gone through and since we broke up to just be a pleasurable sex buddy. The sex is intoxicating, drives my mind wild with ecstasy, but is it just that now, after all that we shared and had to break off abruptly because he was confused?
Giving in to sexual temptation now would cheapen our romance, however short lived it was. it would wipe away all those beautiful moments of the two, three months we were together for real, and just confirm that perhaps it was all just sexual tension and infatuation, and nothing more than that.
And I'd like to think it was not just a fantasy which seemed and felt so real and true and amazing, but was in fact empty.
26 June 2011
brunch
On my way out to meet my friend and his mother for brunch. mum was supposed to join us. But she decided not to, partly because it would have been awkward for her, not being able to speak English too well, and also for two days her sores and pains seem to have intensified.
She's back on her painkillers now, almost a month since she stopped taking them, at least for the pain and sores in her left arm, related to the tumour in her spine. I had to rush out, because I was already late, and it's not a nice impression to keep people waiting. But I was reluctant to leave, seeing mum lie there in bed, not feeling well...
I thought the radiotherapy was supposed to take the pain away, at least for a couple of months... But what's happening now...?
She's back on her painkillers now, almost a month since she stopped taking them, at least for the pain and sores in her left arm, related to the tumour in her spine. I had to rush out, because I was already late, and it's not a nice impression to keep people waiting. But I was reluctant to leave, seeing mum lie there in bed, not feeling well...
I thought the radiotherapy was supposed to take the pain away, at least for a couple of months... But what's happening now...?
dreams
Had a really rough night, felt like I only slept a few minutes, when in fact it had been six, seven hours.
Disturbed by dreams, details of which i cannot remember anymore. But they were vert unpleasant, that much I know, and I suspect it had something to do with mum's condition.
Her throat and tonsils continue to be inflamed. The pain comes and goes, but it is making her moody and frustrated. A friend of hers, who used to be a nurse, told her on the phone last night that the radiotherapy Basically weakens, if not destroy, the immune system, so se is susceptible to infections and it will take longer than usual to heal. It's been almost four weeks already, and still the difficulties ingesting food persist.
She is just siting down, sighing in pain. There's nothing I can do about it...
Disturbed by dreams, details of which i cannot remember anymore. But they were vert unpleasant, that much I know, and I suspect it had something to do with mum's condition.
Her throat and tonsils continue to be inflamed. The pain comes and goes, but it is making her moody and frustrated. A friend of hers, who used to be a nurse, told her on the phone last night that the radiotherapy Basically weakens, if not destroy, the immune system, so se is susceptible to infections and it will take longer than usual to heal. It's been almost four weeks already, and still the difficulties ingesting food persist.
She is just siting down, sighing in pain. There's nothing I can do about it...
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